Guess the Plot
Truth Seekers
1. It's out there . . . but you can't handle it.
2. A history of interrogation methods from Egyptian times to modern.
2. A history of interrogation methods from Egyptian times to modern.
3. When conspiracy theorist Myra Sanford is found dead at a charity banquet, Homicide Detective Zack Martinez knows two things. All the politicians there were actually somewhere else, and he better get guest-of-honor pop star Viennana's autograph before he proves she committed the murder.
4. Best friends sixth-graders Jake and Robbie have a great idea for the Science Fair: they'll bust some myths, just like on TV. But when Robbie's sister Rene is accused of stealing Kaylee's purse, the boys decide to turn their attention to solving the crime. Can they do it in time for the Science Fair?
5. When you're next in line for the throne, and you don't want the throne, so you change your name and your appearance hoping you can get out of Dodge, it's probably not a good idea to hook up with a group of people calling themselves the Truth Seekers. That was Muriel Snick's first mistake.
6. Conman Billy Winks can spot a lie without any mystical abilities, which makes impersonating a Truth Seeker easy money ... until he's sent on a quest where he'll die without said mystical abilities. At least he'll be out of town when the duke gets back from his year-long crusade and finds his wife pregnant.
7. When David Dadison, star of the TV paranormal hit "Truth Seekers", is found with a stake through his heart, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, whoever did it left a broken fingernail at the scene, and two, maybe now his daughter will stop with the vampire crap.
4. Best friends sixth-graders Jake and Robbie have a great idea for the Science Fair: they'll bust some myths, just like on TV. But when Robbie's sister Rene is accused of stealing Kaylee's purse, the boys decide to turn their attention to solving the crime. Can they do it in time for the Science Fair?
5. When you're next in line for the throne, and you don't want the throne, so you change your name and your appearance hoping you can get out of Dodge, it's probably not a good idea to hook up with a group of people calling themselves the Truth Seekers. That was Muriel Snick's first mistake.
6. Conman Billy Winks can spot a lie without any mystical abilities, which makes impersonating a Truth Seeker easy money ... until he's sent on a quest where he'll die without said mystical abilities. At least he'll be out of town when the duke gets back from his year-long crusade and finds his wife pregnant.
7. When David Dadison, star of the TV paranormal hit "Truth Seekers", is found with a stake through his heart, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, whoever did it left a broken fingernail at the scene, and two, maybe now his daughter will stop with the vampire crap.
8. When Puddy McPhee gets fed kibble, because there is ‘no Fancy Feast in the cupboard today’, she enlists canine rival Ozface McPhee to open the heavy cupboard door. Was the human Lying? When Puddy finds out the truth, one way or the other there is going to be hell to pay.
Original Version
Dear Mr. E. Editor,
Alias 'Muriel Snick' doesn't want the throne, [Wait, what? Assuming the character's name isn't Alias 'Muriel Snick' and 'Muriel Snick' is the character's alias, what's with the punctuation around Muriel Snick? If the punctuation is there to show Muriel Snick isn't her real name, the word "alias" isn't needed.] but if her family keeps dying, she might end up with it. Her best hope is to leave the country. [Who gets the throne if alias 'Muriel Snick' is out of the country?] The god choosing rulers can't reach her there. [Where is "there"? Anywhere outside the country?] Course, between last month's riots and her four dead siblings (so far), the borders are closed. And even commoners are antsy enough to be forming groups, taking charge, and failing to keep order. [Forming groups and taking charge sounds like an attempt to keep order.]
One commoner group, called the Truth Seekers, may be Snick's ticket out. They need a third good cook to accompany a group of immigrants, [Emigrants?] and unlike everyone else, they're in no position to fuss over Snick's age. [What is her age?] They're also looking for some missing nobility, including a missing princess, [No need to tell us the princess is missing if she's one of the missing nobility.] not that anyone knows what that princess looks like. If Snick keeps her head down [Assuming Muriel is the princess, if no one knows what the princess looks like, why does she have to keep her head down?] and does the work she's always loved, none of it will be her problem soon enough.Truth Seekers is a YA Fantasy, complete at 90,000 words. The somewhat unreliable narrator never acknowledges her real name. [Is Muriel's real name ever mentioned in the book? Hard to believe the Truth Seekers never mention the name if they're actively looking for the missing princess.] While this book stands alone, it is the proposed first in a trilogy.
Notes
The tone is nice, but it's confusing, starting with the first three words. How about:
Muriel Snick doesn't want the throne, which is why she's using the alias Muriel Snick, and why she's signed on as a cook with the Truth Seekers, a group of commoners emigrating from Mochatania. If Muriel can get across the border before her last living sibling dies, the ruler-choosing god won't be able to choose her as queen. What Muriel doesn't know is that the Truth Seekers are looking for a missing princess in hopes of claiming a big reward.
That pretty much sums up your whole plot description, though not necessarily with accuracy, leaving room to explain why Muriel wants out, why it would be good/bad for her/the country if she were chosen, what happens that threatens to foil her plan, what difficult decision she must make to reach her goal.
Why are a group of commoner immigrants looking for missing nobility?
How can the Truth Seekers, a group so large they need three cooks, leave the country if the borders are closed?
If the rulers are chosen by a god rather than through a line of succession, why is Muriel likely to be chosen?
6 comments:
And this is why I haven't been getting bites: everything is so very clear in my head but a complete mess on the page. Draft 20 and I still can't write a query worth beans.
I'm going to reread this and sit on it for a few days, so I can get out draft 21 (or 22, 23, and lork knows how many others) without cussing. Much. And be back for round 2 in a few weeks, when I think I have something decent again I'll be wrong, but one can always hope.
Alias 'Muriel Snick' doesn't want the throne, but if her family keeps dying, she might end up with it. Her best hope is to leave the country. [Who gets the throne if alias 'Muriel Snick' is out of the country?] The god choosing rulers can't reach her there. [Where is "there"? Anywhere outside the country?] Course, between last month's riots and her four dead siblings (so far), the borders are closed. And even commoners are antsy enough to be forming groups, taking charge, and failing to keep order. [Forming groups and taking charge sounds like an attempt to keep order.]
One commoner group, called the Truth Seekers, may be Snick's ticket out. They need a third good cook to accompany a group of immigrants, [Emigrants?] and unlike everyone else, they're in no position to fuss over Snick's age. [What is her age?] They're also looking for some missing nobility, including a missing princess, [No need to tell us the princess is missing if she's one of the missing nobility.] not that anyone knows what that princess looks like. If Snick keeps her head down [Assuming Muriel is the princess, if no one knows what the princess looks like, why does she have to keep her head down?] and does the work she's always loved, none of it will be her problem soon enough.
[And the leeks Snick likes to lick are the ones she's always lacking.] There's one problem with making plans to leave everything, even her old self, behind: the life Snick lives to leave is the one she's always wanted.
The name Muriel Snick is really cool, but the 'Alias' thing confused me. I was like, Well, Alias' don't normally have a split personality and that was what seemed to be going on here, because when I read:
"There's one problem with making plans to leave everything, even her old self, behind: the life Snick lives to leave is the one she's always wanted."
Like, I totally believed she hated the kingdom and was eager to go, but now all her motivation is diluted, and contradicted. I think reading this I wanted to know how she is an unreliable narrator, but I get if you have reasons for not explaining it. I'm no agent or editor though.
I don't really understand ow she can be so unsympathetic as to leave the last of her dying siblings so callously, thinking only of herself. Might need to add a word about her reluctance to leave for their sake, if she has it. And if she doesn't care about her siblings, why not?
Why does she not ask her last remaining sibling to come with her - and be saved aswell? I at first imagined the siblings were dying of disease, but then now I'm thinking they were shot, if the latter is the case, I'd be helping my sibling cross the boarder with me, even if they do smell. ( You didn't say that, but siblings tend to smell )
Does Muriel not want the throne only because the people on it keep dying or is there something else she would prefer to do with her life? You imply there might be, but don't actually say, and my only guess is that maybe she wants to be a cook.
Is there a chance Muriel will get the throne any time the person sitting on it dies, or is it a bit more systematic than that? It might also help to know how/why the rulers are dying (too many 'accidents,' disease, the god in charge has a short temper, what?)
You might want to try clarifying your MC's motivations so we have a better view of what's at stake for her. Also, what you have here is mostly set up. It might help to see a bit more progression. Assuming she joins the emigrants, what specific problems does she encounter with her disguise? Does she help them leave the country? etc.
If I'm reading it right, Muriel likes being able to do things because she's royal. but for some reason does not want to rule herself. Sometimes those reluctant to rule make fine leaders; other times, it's a fiasco. Does she realize leaving jeopardizes the entire world? A kingdom with no ruler invites fun things like civil wars, invasions, murder, all kinds of good stuff.
What is killing the ruling family? A curse? The god? Lactose intolerance?
I think the siblings were dying from Muriel's bad cooking. Well, maybe not.
In the second paragraph "..looking for some missing nobility, including a missing princess."
A royal princess is not a noble but a royal. Small difference but it needs to be correct. The little ticks add up in an agent's/editor's mind. So, "...looking for missing nobles and the missing princess."
Mostly, it needs to be cleaner. Take EE's paragraph and add some conflict from the novel. Conflict sells.
To the questions others raised, I would add: How do the Truth Seekers expect to find the princess if they can't even recognize her when she's standing in their midst? Why would the Truth Seekers be headed out of the country to look for the missing nobles/royals? And would simply leaving the country be enough to get away from a god? Elizabeth was out of the country when her father died, and mere mortals were able to find her and bring her home and stick a crown on her head.
But the biggest question to ask, to help you focus your query, is what is your story about? Is it to do with the Truth Seekers group, as the title suggests? Is it about Muriel's desires in life (either what she wants to do or what she wants NOT to do)? With not much said about the apparent slaughter of the rest of the royal family or the chaos of the leaderless country, it seems those are not important to the story. At least not important enough to be in the query, so maybe don't mention them. For example:
Fearing she is about to be crowned queen, a title she desperately does not want, 'Muriel Snick' is trying to sneak out of the country and start a new life elsewhere. A life of her own, not one forced on her by a mad god and her murderous, power-hungry family. But the only she can find to slip across the border is take a job as cook for a roving band calling themselves the Truth Seekers, and hope they don't figure out the truth about her.
Or whatever. Focus on the main character (Muriel) and main conflict (she wants out) and skip anything that raises questions that can't be explained fully without pushing the query longer than 3 short paragraphs.
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