Thursday, May 31, 2012

Amusing Excerpt 1

Actual (or not) amusing (or not) excerpts from (or not from) minions' WIPs. If you have constructive criticism or unadulterated praise, feel free to comment.

SETUP: Our protagonists are having a cookout during the calm before the storm when a comet hits the moon and turns it blood red...

"In the suburbs of Armpit, USA, time is not measured by days or weeks but by the number of mosquitoes that die flaming deaths in Tucker's torches," Ethan said, taking a drink.

"It's not the bugs. Tucker built a landing strip for the comet aliens. Just follow the torches," Noah teased, flipping hamburgers on the grill. Emma, his dewy-eyed date, held plates with potato salad and buns.

"Back on the farm, I used to spend the summer counting 18-wheelers rolling past on a road way off on the horizon. We never had mosquitoes the size of baseballs." Tucker closed the circle of fire with the last torch, lit it, and joined Ashley, his date.

"The most boring place in the country. Flat. Flat. Flat," Emma said between delicate bites of corn on the cob. Ethan fished a soda out of the ice and handed it to his girlfriend.

"Why I used to count hobos under the Raised Highway. Once a week or so, we used to stop one of those drivers and throw all his food out to the masses. They was so hungry they'd even eat the driver if he carried something silly like cellphones or tampons or Twinkies," Ethan said, with a grin as broad as the full moon overhead.



Dave Fragments said...

This is from New Beginning 949. Yes, I changed the characters from Billy and Bobby. I can't think of anything more atrocious than having characters named Billy and Bobby grow up and go to college and save the world.
Like, "Hey Bob what did you do last weekend?"
"Well gag me with a spoon Billy but I saved the world from the creeping terror once known as Cthulhu?"
"That's all? I kicked Yog Soggoth's watery ass all over the ocean floor."
Now that's what characters with the name Billy and Bob do for you.
Most likely when they actually meet Cthulhu, Bobby browns his tidy whities and Billy leaves a puddle and as they run away, Cthulhu's tentacles grab them and snaps their heads off with his beaky mouth.
So tell me, is that? A Billy and Bob story? Are all Billy and Bob's TSTL?
Does Cthulhu really sleep in R'yleh or is he merely snoozing?
I don't know, write a Old Ones Mythos story and find out. Just remember, by the pricking of his squirmy tentacles, something stinky this way comes...

Maureen said...

I like the voices, and the humour is there even if it's not the LAUGH OUT LOUD OMG kind. It's more natural like this anyway. The one thing that bothered me a bit is that you felt the need to point out who was whose date and what their relationship was. The first time (when you say that Emma is the date) I didn't mind, but the second time I thought, it's sort of implied when he joins her. Those are usually things that just... come across anyway. You can show Emma trying to snuggle up to Noah later or Tucker being extra nice to Ashley... or drop a hint that someone finally asked the other one out. Saying specifically 'Ashley, his date' feels a bit forced to me. But meh, it's a nitpick I guess.

St0n3henge said...

This is pretty interesting. I like it so far.

Anonymous said...

I like the image of the smile and the moon overhead.

Dave Fragments said...

I'll take that nitpick. It's a good nitpick. Right before this I introduce Emma as his girlfriend and that is too many times to keep saying girlfriend.

Worse, there is no "later" because right after this, Shaggai of the Cthulhu Mythos turns the moon to blood and commences the apocalypse.

Ambee said...

I got into this in a big way. I like the backyard bbq feel knowing that something awful was on the way. The characters seemed like people I could know. I'm dubious that a delicate way to eat corn on the cob exists, though.