At 4:14 during Billy’s tenth birthday party, his little sister Evie puked on his cake. At 4:15, time stopped. In that minute, each person at the party and in the United States of America, on the seven continents of the world, and every living thing stopped moving. Frozen in time.
Everyone that is, except Billy Ivy. He’d just ripped open the birthday gift he’d wanted more than anything else, and had been dreaming of for months. Billy lifted the Fantastic Talking Light Up Globe over his head, “Look guys,” he shouted at his friends. “I got the globe!” But no one even looked at Billy or his special gift.
Billy first noticed his best friend Russell, who never held still for anything. He had become a statue with his hands over his stomach, gagging as he watched Evie barf. Jared Puttner, the bully who was there only because Billy’s mom made him invite every boy in his fourth grade class, pointed and laughed at Evie.
Billy slowly approached the frozen bully. He dipped his hand into Jared's back pocket, bringing out a red velcro wallet. Opening it, he found a stack of twenties. Billy tucked four of them into his jeans.
"I think that will take care of my lunch money for the last two months."
He then took the rest of the wad.
Comma between "everyone" and "that is".
Wasn't this the plot of that Nickelodeon movie, "Clockstoppers" not to mention part of a Simpsons Halloween special a few years ago?
It's interesting. It does grab you, but there is something that I can't put my finger on...there just seems to be something not quite right with this passage, although I think generally it is well written. Um, however, I'm not sure about the Fantastic Talking Light Up Globe. can't you be a little more creative? Like a robot? What kid wants a talking ball?
If the globe thing is what I think it is, that was the first thing I put on my first Xmas list when I learned to write.
That being said, the kid's reaction doesn't work for me at all. Did he already know the globe would do this? If so, how did he know, and how did the globe come into his possession? If he didn't know this would happen, then he really shouldn't be this casual about it. And the lunch money comment is beyond fake. Especially considering he's now talking to himself out loud in front of his whole class and his parents. How does he know they're gonna stay frozen for a while and are not conscious of him?
It has potential, but the kid needs to be somewhat plausible as a person for this to work.
See, I didnt get the impression that it was the globe that stopped time.
What made it a bit unbelievable for me was that from the beginning of the writing it seemed like they were just having cake, but yet he is opening his presents. My mom (and every party I have been to) used to mkae me wait till after cake to open presents. For some reason that really threw me off on this.
And the lunch money comment is beyond fake.
Hawkowl, are you possibly reading EE in a format that doesn't preserve the font color difference between the actual New Beginning and the humorous continuation?
I didn't get the impression that the globe is what stopped time, either. And criticism that takes aim at a minion-submitted continuation is just plain silly. Isn't the format of these New Beginnings clear yet?
I liked this, author. I'd keep reading, for sure.
Anonymous - Sorry, yeah, I totally missed the switch from the author to the other guy. (I was looking at it from the comment page, which loses that formatting.)
Ok, so minus the added stuff, I totally want to read the next page. And kudos to the other guy on the seamless transition.
Sounds great. I especially like 3rd paragraph. Oh, and you definitely succeded at making me angry with the mom. Invite everyone. Indeed! If I was Billy, I'd dye her hair green, or something!
This intrigued me. I like the choice of detail, although one thing is missing for me - Mom's reaction on his sister puking on the cake?
There you go with the anger issues, nut. Green hair. As an ex-peaceful eunuch, I say, forgive and forgit. Speaking of gits, I wish those cops would git of my back. She wasn't even a real doctor, I mean, c'mon...
I don't think the globe stops the time. Seems clear to me time stops, and then he opens his gift. But that also seems odd, unless he knows what he's doing because if your sister pukes on your cake, don't you get mad at her and complain to Mom?
For me, I liked the opening and would read on. At the same time, however, I wonder: Does an agent get this sort of thing 3 times a week and it has to have a very special angle to get her attention?
You may have that angle, who can tell in 150 words? I'm just throwing out the thought for you to consider. As it stands, I think an agent keeps reading in search of that angle and will give you a few pages (not just 150 words) to get it out.
I'd read on--it's an oddball opening, but I like quirky stories. It seems to be written in omni POV. If not, and you intend this as close 3rd, the voice doesn't ring true as a 10 year old's--it feels more as if told by an adult observer.
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