Why you don't get published.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
New Beginning 661 (short story)
Waking in strange places with a mouth full of cotton and drummers playing in my head isn’t as unusual for me as it might be for some, so at first I wasn’t alarmed at all. Not having a woman beside me and still having pants on, now those things were a little out of the ordinary. I barely started putting my fuzzy brain to work on figuring out where the hell I was and how I got there when the answer arrived. With a screech of rusted hinges, a door was violently ripped open and bright light assaulted my eyes. Lifting my hand to shield them was just an innocent reflex, but the person who grabbed me by the neck and tossed me on my face seemed to disagree. I lay there with my cheek pressed against cold metal and a knee in the middle of my back threatening to crush the life out of me one kidney at a time and I knew it was time to get just a little bit concerned.
That was also all I knew, at least about anything that had happened since I walked out the door on what may or may not have been the day before. Before this one, that is, this one where hands were groping all over my body in a much rougher fashion than I generally preferred. Those doing so were strangely silent as they abused my person and my dignity. I tried to get a good look at them, figure out who I was dealing with, but the hand holding my head firmly to the ground made it a chore to catch more than a general impression of black armored suits.
A rough hand pulled my head back and forced my jaw open; then stars flashed as unbearable pain ripped through my head, instantly clearing my mind. That's when I remembered phoning the emergency number of Mercenary Endodontist.
Just as well I still had my pants.
Opening: anon......Continuation: anon.
That was also all I knew, at least about anything that had happened since I walked out the door on what may or may not have been the day before. Before this one, that is, this one where hands were groping all over my body in a much rougher fashion than I generally preferred. Those doing so were strangely silent as they abused my person and my dignity. I tried to get a good look at them, figure out who I was dealing with, but the hand holding my head firmly to the ground made it a chore to catch more than a general impression of black armored suits.
A rough hand pulled my head back and forced my jaw open; then stars flashed as unbearable pain ripped through my head, instantly clearing my mind. That's when I remembered phoning the emergency number of Mercenary Endodontist.
Just as well I still had my pants.
Opening: anon......Continuation: anon.
Thursday, July 09, 2009
Face-Lift 653
Guess the Plot
Chicken Shed
1. Burned out after twenty years of white collar work, a yuppie quits his job and moves to a farm in Wales, where he finds peace and takes up a new hobby: torturing and slaughtering people in his . . . Chicken Shed.
2. Jenny and Mike decide to quit the corporate jungle and go completely off-grid in suburban California. Everything seems to be going along smoothly--until the baby chicks they bought to give them eggs turn out to all be roosters. Now no one in the neighborhood dares turn on the light to use the bathroom.
3. Three brothers end up behind enemy lines in France. Beautiful Marie LaFarge tells them the only way they can survive is to hide in her chicken shed until the war ends, but things go from strange to surreal as they slowly lose their minds and grow wings and feathers.
4. As WWIII grinds on and a syndicate of diabolical robots rule the world, five resistance members inhabit a maze of caves in Missouri, code-named Chicken Shed. They create an idyllic tribal culture complete with music, dance, moonshine, and one mad dream for which they will soon risk everything.
5. Uncle Frank's place is cool - wicked cool -- and 8-year-old Winston thinks the noises and lights he sees late at night coming from the chicken shed are the coolest thing of all . . . until one night, he sneaks out and discovers Uncle Frank's latest invention.
6. The chickens in the shed have always been violent and clever. Paula would have gotten rid of them long ago if she didn't need their eggs. But now her two-year-old son has wandered into the shed. Can Paula outwit these monstrous birds to save him?
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
CHICKEN SHED is a completed 100,000 word novel about a nameless ex-hedge fund manager who, thanks to the credit-crunch, has found himself at a loose end after working brutally long hours for twenty years amassing tremendous quantities of money in the City of London. [Even us Americans know London's a city.] To pass the time in his now empty life, he changes his identity, [He was already nameless; why does he have to change?] moves to a farm in [Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch,] Wales and takes to kidnapping, torturing and finally slaughtering the men who, as teenagers at the school that he attended in the 1970s, tormented and humiliated him. [He does this "to pass the time"? Are his victims in Wales or is he going elsewhere to get them? Did he grow up in Wales? This guy sounds familiar. Except for the slaughtering part. I think.]
Realising that the police never look too hard when a middle aged man disappears – especially if money is occasionally withdrawn from his bank account and there’s a sighting or two of someone who looks a bit like him somewhere in the country –
[Cop: Seen this guy? He's been missing a week.
Man: I saw someone who looked a bit like him in Penbontrhydyfothau a few days ago.
Cop: Okay, guess we can stop looking.]
he is able to ply his gory new trade undisturbed against the backdrop of the beautiful Welsh countryside for several years. [Never underestimate the value of an alluring landscape when you're engaged in slaughtering people.] His victims are captured, and then dispatched, [Gotta admire the British talent for tactful understatement. A crass American author would have said massacred or butchered or mutilated.] with the style, single-minded dedication and lavish supply of surgical equipment only someone with his experience, wealth and mental health issues can muster.
His run of luck is finally disturbed when his latest victim turns out to be a drug dealer actively being investigated by the police. [They really should consider putting your case in the inactive investigations pile once you've been slaughtered.] Although the North Yorkshire force, from under whose nose the man is captured, fail to follow the clues, a sharp eyed and persistent Welsh detective named [Gwarthegydd] Jones picks up the case and [Spoiler alert.] eventually gets his man. In a final plot twist, Jones also uncovers a deeper motive to the gruesome crime he has just solved.
The darkest scenes, as well as the climax, take place in the Chicken Shed of the title - a battery [-operated] chicken farm shed converted from the mass production of low quality meat to bespoke tailoring of high quality pain and suffering. [Remove "and suffering" if you're going for two phrases with similar cadence. A less-unwieldy way would be: from fowl butchery to foul butchery."] [Also, you might change "bespoke" to "custom" if you send this query to the uncivilized world.] Written mostly in the first person present tense, the protagonist gives his thoughts on everything from the architecture of Frank Lloyd Wright [A genius that Frank Lloyd Wrrright guy may have been, but I'd like to see him design a better chicken shed than my own.] to be [the] best way to prepare deep fried tarantula. [Drop tarantula into deep fryer. Fry until it stops screaming. Mwynhewch eich bwyd!]
[Other Useful Welsh Phrases:
I don't understand.................. Dw i ddim yn deall
Speak more slowly.................. Siardwch yn arafach
Say that again......................... Dywedwch hynny unwaith eto
Write it down.......................... Wnewch chi ysgrifennu hynna
My hovercraft is full of eels.... Mae fy hofrenfad yn llawn o lyswennod.]
Thank you for considering my query.
Yours faithfully,
Notes
This was an episode of Criminal Minds, except your serial killer isn't a quadriplegic.
This is like Dexter, except your serial killer is the bad guy.
Better title: The Silence of the Hens
Well-written, and you can't go wrong with a creative serial killer. It's a little long. You can afford to lose the first sentence of paragraph 2, tacking the second onto paragraph one. And you can afford to lose "To pass the time in his now empty life," as he is doing this for revenge and for the unrevealed deeper motive, not just to kill time.
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Face-Lift 652
Guess the Plot
Angel Undercover
1. She looks like the trashiest tart ever to walk the streets of El Paso, but she's actually St. Ursula, dragonslayer, and she's on a mission to capture El Creepo, scourge of Mexico, and deliver him to his well-earned firey fate.
2. Archangels Michael and Gabriel surprise Beelzebub, catching him between the sheets with a chorus of Cherubs in this shocking expose of sex trafficking between Heaven and Hell. It will make you think twice about kneeling when you pray.
3. Kidnapped by a mythological creature, shy, sweet Paige soon finds herself embroiled in political intrigue in the land of Iphesia. When a villain makes off with the Pelt of Tamair, Paige goes undercover to chase him down. Thus begins the adventure of a lifetime.
4. As Aunt Patsy's limo pulls up to the curb at the Miami Airport to collect her niece, Angel, from the chaos at arrivals, it is all too clear the poor girl has grown into a teenage recluse. What's with the three coats and five knit caps? Is that really Angel underneath all that?
5. As the blizzard of the century chills dark Twilby cottage, manly Hugh Buxton stokes the fire, bakes muffins, and finally takes refuge between the sheets, only to discover an angel has beat him to his refuge. Can he convince this apparition to cozy up and share? Or does divine intervention mean he's at the bitter end?
6. A mix-up in Heaven's bureaucracy sends a guiltless soul to the fiery pit. When Hellish officials deny all knowledge, it's up to the youngest of the Divine Special Forces Unit to don horns and tail, and risk her soul to save one.
Original Version
What's a fourteen-year-old to do when her city is in chaos, a creature out of myth kidnaps her, her own beloved sister may be the villain, and she's too shy to open her mouth to stop it all, despite her burning desire to do so? [I don't see how a fourteen-year-old opening her mouth is going to have any effect on her city being in chaos or on a creature kidnapping her. It's not like anyone listens to teenagers.] [You can drop this paragraph; it's all in the next paragraph.]
Shy dreamer Paige Moss, an ordinary girl from the violence-rocked city of Crossroads, is kidnapped by a supposed myth that turns out to be all too real. To her great relief, when the kyter brings her to its colony, her missing older sister is there waiting for her. Paige is immediately exposed to a whole new version of the world she thought she lived in, complete with magic, myth, and a cast of characters that act so human, they're actually related. [Related to humans? I can act just like a duck, but that doesn't mean I'm related to ducks.]
But Quinault Colony has problems of its own. A typically peaceful community [that only occasionally sends out creatures to kidnap girls], it finds itself gearing up for battle, with Paige's sister as its commander and her home nation Iphesia as its contender. Paige must wade through the layers of intrigue and outright lies in order to find who's at fault, if anyone. When she finally makes her discovery, the villainous Maisen takes her for the ride of her life, teaching her lesson after painful lesson and ultimately leaves her stranded to die. [Very general. Who is the villainous Maisen? Where does he take her? Who's battling, and why?]
When Paige's friends finally see her distress signal and rescue her, [What are her friends doing here? Were they kidnapped by kyters too? Or did the kyter just take Paige a few blocks?] the whole story comes out and they convince the council of Maisen's wrongdoings, but not before he escapes, stealing the selk pelt of Tamair, one of Paige's friends. [I don't even know what a silk pelt is, much less a selk pelt, but I say let him keep the thing and good riddance.] After her sister is dismissed from the colony, Paige and Tamair bear twin burdens of lost homes and loved ones out of reach. Together with their friends, they choose action over inaction and go on an adventure to prevent Maisen's treachery from hurting anyone else.
Upon their return, they are plagued by inaction until Resk, the Iphesian capital, is destroyed – by rogue kyters! [Anagram: Turkey ogres. It would help us get a visual image of your mythological creatures if they were turkey ogres instead of rogue kyters. We have no idea what a kyter looks like but we can mentally combine a turkey and an ogre. Consider describing the kyter (a simple description like "dragon-like" or "troll-like" will do) or going with turkey ogres, which look like this:
Also, exclamation points should be used in queries only after something totally unexpected. We expect rogue kyters to destroy cities. Reserve the exclamation point for sentences like: Upon their return, they are plagued by inaction until Resk, the Iphesian capital, is destroyed – by Julio Iglesias!] Paige summons all her willpower to conquer her shyness and convince the kyter colony to help her protect her own precious home city. There, [Where?] she is reunited with her sister and it is not long before all of them are faced with the biggest battle of their lives.
Angel Undercover is a YA fantasy and is complete at 100,000 words. It is the first in a planned quartet.
Kind Regards,
Notes
Paige and her sister are from Iphesia, and Sis is about to lead Quinault Colony into battle against Iphesia? Why would the Colony trust someone from the enemy to lead them? Why is Paige trying to convince the Colony to protect her precious city? From whom? Themselves? Iphesia? Maybe I need the geography and politics cleared up.
This is too long and it's unclear what the main plot is. If it's Maisen vs. Paige, focus on Maisen, who he is, what he wants, what happens if he gets it. If it's Colony vs. Iphesia, focus on what their issues are, in which case maybe Maisen is just a subplot and we don't need him in the query. Stick with the main plot and be specific. Right now I find it pretty confusing.
New Beginning 660
Dorian probably should be upset, at the fact he was hanging a good twenty feet off the ground, suspended in a large net of chains along with his brother and Raurk, but he felt nothing. Dangling high above the ground with only the creaking bough of an old oak tree to support their weight should cause at least alarm, Dorian thought. Certainly something besides the same numbness he had always felt, well not always. There had been a time when things matter, a time when things affected him. Now everything he did seemed rather pointless. He feebly tried to tug on the chain biting into his ankle because it seemed like what he should do, not because he really thought he could break the chain or even lessen its hold on him. Sighing inwardly he gave up after only a few minutes and looked at his companions to see if they were faring any better than he.
No, they were no closer to freeing themselves--though they were clearly more bothered than Dorian by their predicament, shooting reproachful glances his way and even muttering the occasional "Tut."
He could expect no less, of course. While they had all agreed this Ikea treehouse would be perfect for the twins, it was Dorian who had said, "Don't worry, it looks easy to put together."
Opening: Brandy Snyder.....Continuation: Anon.
No, they were no closer to freeing themselves--though they were clearly more bothered than Dorian by their predicament, shooting reproachful glances his way and even muttering the occasional "Tut."
He could expect no less, of course. While they had all agreed this Ikea treehouse would be perfect for the twins, it was Dorian who had said, "Don't worry, it looks easy to put together."
Opening: Brandy Snyder.....Continuation: Anon.
Book Trailer
The book trailer Evil Editor produced as an auction item in the Brenda Novak auction was for an e-novelette by Helen Pilz, which became available today from The Wild Rose Press. The advertised item was an "amusing book trailer," but upon noting that the book itself was not amusing, I offered to try a serious trailer. After gathering images that were applicable to the story I decided it was better without adding a voice over, and the author agreed. Possibly because she's heard my voice. The first version was over two minutes, but I thought it might drag, and removed a few images to make a shorter version. Helen likes both versions, so I told her I'd solicit the minions' opinions. (I note it's the shorter version she currently has on her website.) Should you feel inclined to order the work, it's available here.
Short version (1:44)
Long version (2:11)
Tuesday, July 07, 2009
Face-Lift 651
Guess the Plot
The Lesser Species
1. Cows have had enough. It's time to knock humans to the bottom of the food chain.
2. Aliens land on earth and refuse to communicate with humans. Strange gases start coming out of their ships, killing any human who comes near them. One scientist realizes the chemicals in the gas are pesticides, and the aliens are carrying tanks full of the stuff to rid the Earth of . . . the lesser species.
3. A man is abducted from Earth by the Galactic Council and put into a zoo with other lesser species. He escapes and rigs the next election so that he becomes Galactic President. But once in power he realizes he'd just as soon have a plate of nachos.
4. Dogs vs. Cats. The final war that will end the debate once and for all.
5. Christof flexed his legs. It was time for the revolution. His army's carapaces gleamed. He was proud of them. So began his war against the lesser species. One day the Earth would again belong to Christof, king of the cockroaches.
6. Biologist Harold Carter is obsessed with the reproduction of the monotremes. He's spent decades in Australia, studying. Meanwhile his wife and children grow increasingly distant. Will he return to soul-crushing suburbia, or stay in Australia with his beloved platypi?
Original Version
While there’s no doubt we humans are happy to wallow in our own importance, what would happen if we were sent into the galaxy where everyone else regards us as The Lesser Species? [We're already regarded as the lesser species by cats. And, of course, sharks.]
Mistaken for Earth’s leaders, Lucy and Peter are abducted by the Galactic Council as part of an outreach project for lesser species. When they end up at a natural zoo, an unhinged journalist orchestrates their escape and leads the reluctant pair on a quest for excitement. [If the Council wants a couple Earthlings in their zoo, why would they care whether they get Earth's leaders? They ought to go for Penn and Teller or Yo-yo Ma and Tina Turner. Much more entertaining for zoo visitors. Wait, professional wrestlers!] This includes seriously annoying a man who owns a religion, [The best example you can come up with of their quest for excitement is they annoy a guy?] and convincing a group of rebellious programmers to rig the next election. On a parallel quest to find Peter, his fiancée Wendy and her friend Mark spend most of their time in a spaceport security line, with a short stint as the pets of reality show stars. All four meet up at the Council where, despite a horrid press photo and inane campaign speeches, Peter is elected Galactic President.
The Lesser Species accompanies these four travelers as they try—and fail—to make sense of their place in the galaxy. Lucy sets out to raise the bar for the human race, but only manages to raise the bar on her weirdness scale. Mark applies scientific reasoning to all problems, and still loses all of his luggage and one of his shoes. Wendy discovers that big breasts and a winning smile really are tickets into anywhere. [Especially if you ever want to be published.] Peter never learns to duck when the galaxy tosses something unexpected at him. But at the heartwarming conclusion, they realize that relationship drama, hot showers, and nachos are what make life as a Lesser Species not so bad.
A science fiction satire of 73,000 words, The Lesser Species would be appreciated by those who (like me) regret that Douglas Adams can’t add a sixth book to his Hitchhiker Trilogy.
As a computer engineer, I spend most of my time writing about real science, but over the past five years, I’ve added fiction to my repertoire. One of my science fiction stories won a Southwest Writer’s Award.
I’d be pleased to send you my completed manuscript. Thank you for your time.
Notes
The tone is right for the type of book. This could get results, but I'm not thrilled by some of the details. For instance, the third paragraph is listy, which is okay, as the plot is finished, but the items in the list aren't especially funny or interesting. Except the breasts, of course. If you could make Lucy's more specific and Mark's less boring it would help. I don't consider it ironic that a guy who applies scientific reasoning to all problems loses luggage and a shoe. Typical absent-minded professor.
The previous paragraph doesn't need the horrid press photo or the waiting in a security line:
On a parallel quest to find Peter, his fiancée Wendy and her friend Mark become celebrities as the pets of galactic reality show stars. All four eventually meet up at the Council where, despite a series of inane campaign speeches, Peter is elected Galactic President.
If you also dump annoying the guy, or replace it with something that is exciting I'd be more excited myself. (Possibly just telling us what they do to annoy him would be enough, if it's funny.)
Monday, July 06, 2009
New Beginning 659
The heavy wooden doors, engraved with the image of a dragon, swung slowly open on their iron hinges, revealing a lone figure, a man. Immediately the two guards that had been leaning against the door fell to the ground. Dead.
The intruder cleaned and sheathed the twin short swords he carried, one on either side. He was fairly tall, with straight black hair, crystalline blue eyes, and golden-brown skin that rippled over muscle and sinew. His attire was dark and austere. His only accessories were the two short swords, and a rather large one slung across his back and concealed in black cloth. The most curious thing about him was the rough sack he was carrying.
“They just don’t make doorkeepers like they used to,” the man said wryly. He sauntered into the torch-lit, yet perpetually gloomy and shadow-haunted throne room, wherein sat on a black wrought-iron chair the very person he had come to see. “Greetings, Gripgrim, Lord of Thardus,” he called out in a deep, resonant voice. He over-bowed, more in mockery than respect.
“Welcome, surly warrior,” said Gripgrim, “to The League of Cliché Spouting, Stock Fantasy Characters.”
A scrawny thief sharpened a dagger in the corner and said, “Join us . . . or die.”
“Stay your hand, thief.” said a bearded dwarf. “You can catch more flies with honey than--”
“Silence!” cried an elf as he shot a venomous stare in the dwarf’s direction. “Does your foolishness know no bounds?!”
“Enough! Time is of the essence,” declared Randolph the wizard as he placed a magic amulet on his staff. “Let’s lock and load.”
Opening: Brett Wade.....Continuation: Matthew
The intruder cleaned and sheathed the twin short swords he carried, one on either side. He was fairly tall, with straight black hair, crystalline blue eyes, and golden-brown skin that rippled over muscle and sinew. His attire was dark and austere. His only accessories were the two short swords, and a rather large one slung across his back and concealed in black cloth. The most curious thing about him was the rough sack he was carrying.
“They just don’t make doorkeepers like they used to,” the man said wryly. He sauntered into the torch-lit, yet perpetually gloomy and shadow-haunted throne room, wherein sat on a black wrought-iron chair the very person he had come to see. “Greetings, Gripgrim, Lord of Thardus,” he called out in a deep, resonant voice. He over-bowed, more in mockery than respect.
“Welcome, surly warrior,” said Gripgrim, “to The League of Cliché Spouting, Stock Fantasy Characters.”
A scrawny thief sharpened a dagger in the corner and said, “Join us . . . or die.”
“Stay your hand, thief.” said a bearded dwarf. “You can catch more flies with honey than--”
“Silence!” cried an elf as he shot a venomous stare in the dwarf’s direction. “Does your foolishness know no bounds?!”
“Enough! Time is of the essence,” declared Randolph the wizard as he placed a magic amulet on his staff. “Let’s lock and load.”
Opening: Brett Wade.....Continuation: Matthew
Synopsis 16
This synopsis goes with the Face-Lift that appeared July 3. If you haven't read that yet, and you like to play Guess the Plot, scroll down now, as you are about to encounter spoilers.
Hang The Thief - Synopsis
Genre: Fantasy
Author: _______________
A misguided and outcast scholar unwittingly is used by a demon to open gates that bring great evil into the world. The deities as a result awaken and give their faithful the power to save lives. [How long have the deities been asleep? It would be annoying to discover that the reason your prayers have gone unanswered is because the gods have been hibernating for three millennia.] Monsters enter through the gates and natural disasters also occur which kill hundreds. The gates also allow magic to enter the world which gives mankind the power to cause great good and great evil, including the ability to create and use the undead. [Is that an example of great good or great evil? Because if I could use the undead to read slush, that would be good.]
On the day the gates open, Ehlana is seventeen years and adrift in her world without hope or purpose in life and she joins a thieves’ guild for the easy money. Six years later, Ehlana sees two people enter the sewers. [Are you just hitting the highlights of the book?
Scene 1. Chaos reigns as monsters are released into the world.
Scene 2. Six years later two people enter the sewers . . .
Are the monsters still around? What's been happening for six years? Not specific events if there aren't any important ones, but what's the world like? Are people and monsters coexisting? Are monsters killing people right and left?] She is spurred to action when she discovers that one of them is a notorious assassin. She follows the assassin into the sewer and learns that an evil cult is worshipping there. She takes this information to the watch and a high priestess. [Hi, I'm with the local thieves' guild, and I'd like to report a worshiping violation.] With their help she infiltrates the cult, learns of their plot to kill a court official and helps the watch seize the coven. Not all of the cult members are arrested and her life is now in danger. [If the authorities needed someone to go undercover, why would they choose Ehlana? Why not one of their own or at least someone who's never been a member of a criminal organization? And why does Ehlana care if some court official gets killed?]
Ehlana leaves the city for her protection and goes to the Bashkir region where she becomes the clans’ bard and learns their ancient language and that of the gypsies. Three years later [The book keeps starting over. Is there a connection that holds all the parts together besides the fact that Ehlana is in all of them?] the world stands on the brink of war partially due to the catastrophes caused by the gates. Ehlana has dreams and is advised to go to a temple to discover their meaning. She and her guide are joined by a barbarian priestess who believes Ehlana is a child in prophesy. [She's at least 26 years old by now.]
Ehlana learns through visions that the gates need to be closed [It's been over nine years since the gates were opened, bringing death and destruction and monsters upon the land, and no one has thought of closing them yet?] and in order to find out how they must go to the Anaran Academy and Library. There Ehlana using her abilities to read ancient texts and decipher riddles hidden in songs, learns how to close the gates. Although she hates magic and those that use it, she is not convinced they should be closed, because the gods’ gifts would cease as well. [Gates open = Monsters + natural disaters + evil magic (includes undead) + good magic. It's three to one.] She chooses to forsake her destiny but changes her mind when an undead army annihilates the Bashkir region. [Okay, okay, I'll close the lousy gates. Jeez, you'd think nine years of monsters and zombies was the apocalypse or something.]
Ehlana along with friends travel to place the gates were opened and she performs the ritual necessary to close the gates but is killed by the demon’s death knight before she succeeds. The gates are only partially closed. [That's it? The end? She's killed? After failing? That's like Gollum grabbing the ring from Frodo and shoving him into the fires of Mount Doom. Like Westley, Inigo and Fezzik getting killed and Buttercup marrying Humperdinck. Like Babe losing the sheep herding contest and Farmer Hogget selling him to Oscar Meyer.]
Notes
The opening of the gates begins the chaos. The closing of the gates will end the chaos. In between, we want to know about the chaos. Closing the gates doesn't seem so important if all you tell us about the nine years they've been open is that Ehlora spent six years as a bard and then helped prevent one guy from being assassinated. And someone almost went to war with someone. Is the zombie attack on Bashkir the only thing that's happened that's bad enough to spur Ehlana to action? Is studying in the library the only thing Ehlora does to try saving the world?
I see it as a problem that your main character accomplishes absolutely nothing. She has to succeed. If she fails, you may as well scrap this book and write one about the character who comes along later and gets the gates closed. That's the character we want to read about, not the one who accomplishes nothing.
What do the monsters look like? The Incredible Hulk? Dinosaurs? Calling them monsters makes it sound like a kids book. What are they?
Hang The Thief - Synopsis
Genre: Fantasy
Author: _______________
A misguided and outcast scholar unwittingly is used by a demon to open gates that bring great evil into the world. The deities as a result awaken and give their faithful the power to save lives. [How long have the deities been asleep? It would be annoying to discover that the reason your prayers have gone unanswered is because the gods have been hibernating for three millennia.] Monsters enter through the gates and natural disasters also occur which kill hundreds. The gates also allow magic to enter the world which gives mankind the power to cause great good and great evil, including the ability to create and use the undead. [Is that an example of great good or great evil? Because if I could use the undead to read slush, that would be good.]
On the day the gates open, Ehlana is seventeen years and adrift in her world without hope or purpose in life and she joins a thieves’ guild for the easy money. Six years later, Ehlana sees two people enter the sewers. [Are you just hitting the highlights of the book?
Scene 1. Chaos reigns as monsters are released into the world.
Scene 2. Six years later two people enter the sewers . . .
Are the monsters still around? What's been happening for six years? Not specific events if there aren't any important ones, but what's the world like? Are people and monsters coexisting? Are monsters killing people right and left?] She is spurred to action when she discovers that one of them is a notorious assassin. She follows the assassin into the sewer and learns that an evil cult is worshipping there. She takes this information to the watch and a high priestess. [Hi, I'm with the local thieves' guild, and I'd like to report a worshiping violation.] With their help she infiltrates the cult, learns of their plot to kill a court official and helps the watch seize the coven. Not all of the cult members are arrested and her life is now in danger. [If the authorities needed someone to go undercover, why would they choose Ehlana? Why not one of their own or at least someone who's never been a member of a criminal organization? And why does Ehlana care if some court official gets killed?]
Ehlana leaves the city for her protection and goes to the Bashkir region where she becomes the clans’ bard and learns their ancient language and that of the gypsies. Three years later [The book keeps starting over. Is there a connection that holds all the parts together besides the fact that Ehlana is in all of them?] the world stands on the brink of war partially due to the catastrophes caused by the gates. Ehlana has dreams and is advised to go to a temple to discover their meaning. She and her guide are joined by a barbarian priestess who believes Ehlana is a child in prophesy. [She's at least 26 years old by now.]
Ehlana learns through visions that the gates need to be closed [It's been over nine years since the gates were opened, bringing death and destruction and monsters upon the land, and no one has thought of closing them yet?] and in order to find out how they must go to the Anaran Academy and Library. There Ehlana using her abilities to read ancient texts and decipher riddles hidden in songs, learns how to close the gates. Although she hates magic and those that use it, she is not convinced they should be closed, because the gods’ gifts would cease as well. [Gates open = Monsters + natural disaters + evil magic (includes undead) + good magic. It's three to one.] She chooses to forsake her destiny but changes her mind when an undead army annihilates the Bashkir region. [Okay, okay, I'll close the lousy gates. Jeez, you'd think nine years of monsters and zombies was the apocalypse or something.]
Ehlana along with friends travel to place the gates were opened and she performs the ritual necessary to close the gates but is killed by the demon’s death knight before she succeeds. The gates are only partially closed. [That's it? The end? She's killed? After failing? That's like Gollum grabbing the ring from Frodo and shoving him into the fires of Mount Doom. Like Westley, Inigo and Fezzik getting killed and Buttercup marrying Humperdinck. Like Babe losing the sheep herding contest and Farmer Hogget selling him to Oscar Meyer.]
Notes
The opening of the gates begins the chaos. The closing of the gates will end the chaos. In between, we want to know about the chaos. Closing the gates doesn't seem so important if all you tell us about the nine years they've been open is that Ehlora spent six years as a bard and then helped prevent one guy from being assassinated. And someone almost went to war with someone. Is the zombie attack on Bashkir the only thing that's happened that's bad enough to spur Ehlana to action? Is studying in the library the only thing Ehlora does to try saving the world?
I see it as a problem that your main character accomplishes absolutely nothing. She has to succeed. If she fails, you may as well scrap this book and write one about the character who comes along later and gets the gates closed. That's the character we want to read about, not the one who accomplishes nothing.
What do the monsters look like? The Incredible Hulk? Dinosaurs? Calling them monsters makes it sound like a kids book. What are they?
Saturday, July 04, 2009
Saturday Film Series
This screen is smaller than last time I embedded from Youtube; if it's still too wide, I'll replace it with a link.
Friday, July 03, 2009
Face-Lift 650
Guess the Plot
Hang the Thief
1. Fong the Assassin, Peng the Counterfeiter, Chung the Procurer and Ling the Literary Agent already control four-fifths of organized crime in ancient China. Can they recruit the one man they need to make their underworld empire complete?
2. Vingh Pho came to America to start a new life for his family, but after the store he worked so hard to open is robbed by a local teen, he is willing to risk his own freedom to see justice served.
3. Mr. Wong stole her heart. He wrecked her car. He painted her house black. He emptied her bank account. And he took her dog. That was the last straw. Now Nan Chan has called her gang o' sisters: Mae, Jane, Naomi, and Big Bertha -- to extract commensurate revenge. And these ladies always get their man.
4. Bored with her unfulfilling job as a bard, Ehlana seeks answers from a barbarian priestess who tells her she is the chosen one who will save the world. Immediately she decides to seek different answers, but not before an army of zombies destroys the city. Also, a thief.
5. When the letters U and I turn up missing from alphabet soup cans at crime scenes, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: he's on the trail of a kleptomaniac serial killer who was traumatized by a childhood word guessing game; and he'd better remember to pick up his wife's Andy Warhol comforter from Hang's Dry Cleaning.
6. Won Bak Hang is wanted throughout the kingdom for his brazen acts, including stealing the sacred bronze bells of the sky dragons. But beneath his thieving clothes he's actually Won Lu Bang, the Emperor's favorite son. Can he stop the sky dragons before they attack, or will his last theft be his own life?
7. CEO Lisa Madarossi is convicted of embezzlement and sentenced to thirty years. She's let out in five on a plea bargain, but the only job she can find is hangman. When several of her friends are given the death penalty for corporate malfeasance, she helps them plan a massive prison break at their execution. Hijinks ensue.
Original Version
HANG THE THIEF is an epic adventure about an extraordinary woman living in a medieval/fantasy world who with the help of friends attempts to usurp a demon’s plan to destroy her world.
Ehlana, a gregarious young woman, is adrift in her world without purpose or hope for a better life when gates to other worlds are opened. They cause catastrophic natural disasters and allow mythical monsters to enter the world of Craie. [Nothing improves a woman's opportunity for purpose and a better life like the arrival of mythical monsters.] But, they also allow magic to return, giving mankind the opportunity to do great evil, including raising the undead and great good. [It sounds like great good is a second example of great evil.] [Who are the undead? The dead? If so, are all of the dead undead? Or are just the living dead undead? In other words, can you raise the dead, or just the undead, and if the latter, can the dead become undead and then be raised? This would be less confusing if you'd just call them zombies.]
Ehlana accidentally discovers an evil cult’s plot to assassinate a court official and helps the watch apprehend the coven. Not all the leaders are caught, however, and Ehlana leaves the city for her safety. In Bashkir, Ehlana starts a new life and becomes a bard, [at which point my novel enters what I call its boring phase.] fulfilling her dream of becoming part of a royal court but remains unfilled [Unfilled?] and restless.
The world becomes more dangerous and desperate due to civil unrest [A world in which natural disasters and mythical monsters have just been introduced becomes more dangerous because of a few protest marches?] and from those that would use magic for evil. Dreams haunt Ehlana and a gypsy woman convinces her to seek answers at a temple. She is guided there by others, including a barbarian priestess who believes Ehlana is the fulfillment of prophesy. There visions forewarn the destruction of the world unless the gates are closed and she is advised the fates have chosen her to do so.
However, self-doubt and moral doubts plague Ehlana – she does not believe in fate and questions if this should even be her responsibility. Shouldn’t the queen or priests be responsible? She decides to forsake her destiny but before she does an army of undead destroys Bashkir. Devastated Ehlana travels to another country to seek answers in ancient tomes and songs. [Lemme get this straight. When catastrophic disasters and monsters show up, our heroine flees to Bashkir. When she's told she must save the world from destruction, our heroine says, "Screw that." When an army of zombies attack Bashkir, our heroine flees to another country. Are you absolutely certain you've chosen the best character to focus the story on?] The demon, however, has not been lying dumb in his lair and has learned of Ehlana. Realizing she is the child of prophesy, he will send his most powerful minions to stop her. [I like a villain who has powerful minions.] [I also like a villain who gets mentioned occasionally. Is the demon responsible for everything? Because one could get the impression he has been lying dumb in his lair. Whatever that means. The demon has a lair?] [You make it sound like the demon sent his zombies to destroy Bashkir before he knew of Ehlana. Why?]
Follow this unconquerable spirit as she [flees danger and disaster across the continents.] develops the courage and the skills necessary to save her world. Only two questions remain - [1. Will a hero show up in time to keep Ehlana alive? and 2. Does the demon have an opening for an experienced bard?] who will win this epic tale of good vs. evil and is it too late?
HANG THE THIEF is a 106,000 word fantasy adventure and I am interested in finding an agent to represent it. Thank you for your consideration.
Notes
This is too long. And it's all set-up. Here's the only set-up you need: The demon Rokoko has opened the gates to hell, and Ehlana is the one prophesied to close them. No gypsy, barbarian priestess, cult, coven, etc. What's her plan? Who's helping her? Is there any way this bard can defeat a demon who has an army of zombies? Does she have magic on her side?
Start over. Give yourself nine sentences in which to convey the plot, and make sure at least six of them cover the period after Ehlana accepts that she's the chosen one. Or is that book 2?
2. Vingh Pho came to America to start a new life for his family, but after the store he worked so hard to open is robbed by a local teen, he is willing to risk his own freedom to see justice served.
3. Mr. Wong stole her heart. He wrecked her car. He painted her house black. He emptied her bank account. And he took her dog. That was the last straw. Now Nan Chan has called her gang o' sisters: Mae, Jane, Naomi, and Big Bertha -- to extract commensurate revenge. And these ladies always get their man.
4. Bored with her unfulfilling job as a bard, Ehlana seeks answers from a barbarian priestess who tells her she is the chosen one who will save the world. Immediately she decides to seek different answers, but not before an army of zombies destroys the city. Also, a thief.
5. When the letters U and I turn up missing from alphabet soup cans at crime scenes, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: he's on the trail of a kleptomaniac serial killer who was traumatized by a childhood word guessing game; and he'd better remember to pick up his wife's Andy Warhol comforter from Hang's Dry Cleaning.
6. Won Bak Hang is wanted throughout the kingdom for his brazen acts, including stealing the sacred bronze bells of the sky dragons. But beneath his thieving clothes he's actually Won Lu Bang, the Emperor's favorite son. Can he stop the sky dragons before they attack, or will his last theft be his own life?
7. CEO Lisa Madarossi is convicted of embezzlement and sentenced to thirty years. She's let out in five on a plea bargain, but the only job she can find is hangman. When several of her friends are given the death penalty for corporate malfeasance, she helps them plan a massive prison break at their execution. Hijinks ensue.
Original Version
HANG THE THIEF is an epic adventure about an extraordinary woman living in a medieval/fantasy world who with the help of friends attempts to usurp a demon’s plan to destroy her world.
Ehlana, a gregarious young woman, is adrift in her world without purpose or hope for a better life when gates to other worlds are opened. They cause catastrophic natural disasters and allow mythical monsters to enter the world of Craie. [Nothing improves a woman's opportunity for purpose and a better life like the arrival of mythical monsters.] But, they also allow magic to return, giving mankind the opportunity to do great evil, including raising the undead and great good. [It sounds like great good is a second example of great evil.] [Who are the undead? The dead? If so, are all of the dead undead? Or are just the living dead undead? In other words, can you raise the dead, or just the undead, and if the latter, can the dead become undead and then be raised? This would be less confusing if you'd just call them zombies.]
Ehlana accidentally discovers an evil cult’s plot to assassinate a court official and helps the watch apprehend the coven. Not all the leaders are caught, however, and Ehlana leaves the city for her safety. In Bashkir, Ehlana starts a new life and becomes a bard, [at which point my novel enters what I call its boring phase.] fulfilling her dream of becoming part of a royal court but remains unfilled [Unfilled?] and restless.
The world becomes more dangerous and desperate due to civil unrest [A world in which natural disasters and mythical monsters have just been introduced becomes more dangerous because of a few protest marches?] and from those that would use magic for evil. Dreams haunt Ehlana and a gypsy woman convinces her to seek answers at a temple. She is guided there by others, including a barbarian priestess who believes Ehlana is the fulfillment of prophesy. There visions forewarn the destruction of the world unless the gates are closed and she is advised the fates have chosen her to do so.
However, self-doubt and moral doubts plague Ehlana – she does not believe in fate and questions if this should even be her responsibility. Shouldn’t the queen or priests be responsible? She decides to forsake her destiny but before she does an army of undead destroys Bashkir. Devastated Ehlana travels to another country to seek answers in ancient tomes and songs. [Lemme get this straight. When catastrophic disasters and monsters show up, our heroine flees to Bashkir. When she's told she must save the world from destruction, our heroine says, "Screw that." When an army of zombies attack Bashkir, our heroine flees to another country. Are you absolutely certain you've chosen the best character to focus the story on?] The demon, however, has not been lying dumb in his lair and has learned of Ehlana. Realizing she is the child of prophesy, he will send his most powerful minions to stop her. [I like a villain who has powerful minions.] [I also like a villain who gets mentioned occasionally. Is the demon responsible for everything? Because one could get the impression he has been lying dumb in his lair. Whatever that means. The demon has a lair?] [You make it sound like the demon sent his zombies to destroy Bashkir before he knew of Ehlana. Why?]
Follow this unconquerable spirit as she [flees danger and disaster across the continents.] develops the courage and the skills necessary to save her world. Only two questions remain - [1. Will a hero show up in time to keep Ehlana alive? and 2. Does the demon have an opening for an experienced bard?] who will win this epic tale of good vs. evil and is it too late?
HANG THE THIEF is a 106,000 word fantasy adventure and I am interested in finding an agent to represent it. Thank you for your consideration.
Notes
This is too long. And it's all set-up. Here's the only set-up you need: The demon Rokoko has opened the gates to hell, and Ehlana is the one prophesied to close them. No gypsy, barbarian priestess, cult, coven, etc. What's her plan? Who's helping her? Is there any way this bard can defeat a demon who has an army of zombies? Does she have magic on her side?
Start over. Give yourself nine sentences in which to convey the plot, and make sure at least six of them cover the period after Ehlana accepts that she's the chosen one. Or is that book 2?
Thursday, July 02, 2009
New Beginning 658
Waurubr T’Saurakil, Consul to Earth of the Third Kimust Empire and captain of the Gaia-class space ship Daughter of Nausk, shook with rage as he gave the order to open fire. ‘This is for Hamari,’ he thundered through his side-mouth, as the first of the electromagnetic pulse devices detonated three thousand kilometres above the surface of the planet below. ‘And this is for Tureni’, as, ten milliseconds later, the anti-proton particle cannons - carried by autonomous micro-scout craft in higher orbits - obliterated the entirety of the planet’s satellite communications and feeble space-based weapons in a single all-spectrum flash of annihilation. The second wave of EMP weapons finished off the few electronic devices still operating on the planet after the initial blast – mainly those military systems the humans foolishly considered to be ‘hardened’ – leaving only a few subterranean facilities still operating. Waurubr, his anger now abating, instructed the ship’s synthetic control-mind to show him a selection of images of the destruction he had wrought. He growled with satisfaction at flying craft falling from the sky, roads blocked by immobile ground vehicles and, most of all, at the simultaneous blinking out of lights across the whole of the dark side of the planet. He briefly considered a last assault to dig out the buried electrical activity coming from the human government forces but, after a moment’s thought, decided that it would be more of a punishment for the planet to leave them be.
Mike sighed in exasperation as his boss, Tim, walked into the room. “What’s wrong?” asked Tim.
Mike threw his hands in the air and said, “I received this block of text via an intergalactic broadcast channel and I can’t decipher it for the life of me!”
Tim took a look at the message. “Hmm, let’s see...Waurubr T’Saurakil? Kimust, Nausk, Hamari, kilometres, Tureni . . . Ah, don’t worry about it, Mike. This text is clearly written in an alien language that no human could possibly comprehend. But you get high marks for effort--I would’ve stopped reading after the first line.”
Opening: Fred.....Continuation: Matthew
Mike sighed in exasperation as his boss, Tim, walked into the room. “What’s wrong?” asked Tim.
Mike threw his hands in the air and said, “I received this block of text via an intergalactic broadcast channel and I can’t decipher it for the life of me!”
Tim took a look at the message. “Hmm, let’s see...Waurubr T’Saurakil? Kimust, Nausk, Hamari, kilometres, Tureni . . . Ah, don’t worry about it, Mike. This text is clearly written in an alien language that no human could possibly comprehend. But you get high marks for effort--I would’ve stopped reading after the first line.”
Opening: Fred.....Continuation: Matthew
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