Wednesday, July 08, 2009
Guess the Plot
1. She looks like the trashiest tart ever to walk the streets of El Paso, but she's actually St. Ursula, dragonslayer, and she's on a mission to capture El Creepo, scourge of Mexico, and deliver him to his well-earned firey fate.
2. Archangels Michael and Gabriel surprise Beelzebub, catching him between the sheets with a chorus of Cherubs in this shocking expose of sex trafficking between Heaven and Hell. It will make you think twice about kneeling when you pray.
3. Kidnapped by a mythological creature, shy, sweet Paige soon finds herself embroiled in political intrigue in the land of Iphesia. When a villain makes off with the Pelt of Tamair, Paige goes undercover to chase him down. Thus begins the adventure of a lifetime.
4. As Aunt Patsy's limo pulls up to the curb at the Miami Airport to collect her niece, Angel, from the chaos at arrivals, it is all too clear the poor girl has grown into a teenage recluse. What's with the three coats and five knit caps? Is that really Angel underneath all that?
5. As the blizzard of the century chills dark Twilby cottage, manly Hugh Buxton stokes the fire, bakes muffins, and finally takes refuge between the sheets, only to discover an angel has beat him to his refuge. Can he convince this apparition to cozy up and share? Or does divine intervention mean he's at the bitter end?
6. A mix-up in Heaven's bureaucracy sends a guiltless soul to the fiery pit. When Hellish officials deny all knowledge, it's up to the youngest of the Divine Special Forces Unit to don horns and tail, and risk her soul to save one.
What's a fourteen-year-old to do when her city is in chaos, a creature out of myth kidnaps her, her own beloved sister may be the villain, and she's too shy to open her mouth to stop it all, despite her burning desire to do so? [I don't see how a fourteen-year-old opening her mouth is going to have any effect on her city being in chaos or on a creature kidnapping her. It's not like anyone listens to teenagers.] [You can drop this paragraph; it's all in the next paragraph.]
Shy dreamer Paige Moss, an ordinary girl from the violence-rocked city of Crossroads, is kidnapped by a supposed myth that turns out to be all too real. To her great relief, when the kyter brings her to its colony, her missing older sister is there waiting for her. Paige is immediately exposed to a whole new version of the world she thought she lived in, complete with magic, myth, and a cast of characters that act so human, they're actually related. [Related to humans? I can act just like a duck, but that doesn't mean I'm related to ducks.]
But Quinault Colony has problems of its own. A typically peaceful community [that only occasionally sends out creatures to kidnap girls], it finds itself gearing up for battle, with Paige's sister as its commander and her home nation Iphesia as its contender. Paige must wade through the layers of intrigue and outright lies in order to find who's at fault, if anyone. When she finally makes her discovery, the villainous Maisen takes her for the ride of her life, teaching her lesson after painful lesson and ultimately leaves her stranded to die. [Very general. Who is the villainous Maisen? Where does he take her? Who's battling, and why?]
When Paige's friends finally see her distress signal and rescue her, [What are her friends doing here? Were they kidnapped by kyters too? Or did the kyter just take Paige a few blocks?] the whole story comes out and they convince the council of Maisen's wrongdoings, but not before he escapes, stealing the selk pelt of Tamair, one of Paige's friends. [I don't even know what a silk pelt is, much less a selk pelt, but I say let him keep the thing and good riddance.] After her sister is dismissed from the colony, Paige and Tamair bear twin burdens of lost homes and loved ones out of reach. Together with their friends, they choose action over inaction and go on an adventure to prevent Maisen's treachery from hurting anyone else.
Upon their return, they are plagued by inaction until Resk, the Iphesian capital, is destroyed – by rogue kyters! [Anagram: Turkey ogres. It would help us get a visual image of your mythological creatures if they were turkey ogres instead of rogue kyters. We have no idea what a kyter looks like but we can mentally combine a turkey and an ogre. Consider describing the kyter (a simple description like "dragon-like" or "troll-like" will do) or going with turkey ogres, which look like this:
Also, exclamation points should be used in queries only after something totally unexpected. We expect rogue kyters to destroy cities. Reserve the exclamation point for sentences like: Upon their return, they are plagued by inaction until Resk, the Iphesian capital, is destroyed – by Julio Iglesias!] Paige summons all her willpower to conquer her shyness and convince the kyter colony to help her protect her own precious home city. There, [Where?] she is reunited with her sister and it is not long before all of them are faced with the biggest battle of their lives.
Angel Undercover is a YA fantasy and is complete at 100,000 words. It is the first in a planned quartet.
Paige and her sister are from Iphesia, and Sis is about to lead Quinault Colony into battle against Iphesia? Why would the Colony trust someone from the enemy to lead them? Why is Paige trying to convince the Colony to protect her precious city? From whom? Themselves? Iphesia? Maybe I need the geography and politics cleared up.
This is too long and it's unclear what the main plot is. If it's Maisen vs. Paige, focus on Maisen, who he is, what he wants, what happens if he gets it. If it's Colony vs. Iphesia, focus on what their issues are, in which case maybe Maisen is just a subplot and we don't need him in the query. Stick with the main plot and be specific. Right now I find it pretty confusing.