This synopsis goes with the Face-Lift that appeared July 3. If you haven't read that yet, and you like to play Guess the Plot, scroll down now, as you are about to encounter spoilers.
Hang The Thief - Synopsis
Genre: Fantasy
Author: _______________
A misguided and outcast scholar unwittingly is used by a demon to open gates that bring great evil into the world. The deities as a result awaken and give their faithful the power to save lives. [How long have the deities been asleep? It would be annoying to discover that the reason your prayers have gone unanswered is because the gods have been hibernating for three millennia.] Monsters enter through the gates and natural disasters also occur which kill hundreds. The gates also allow magic to enter the world which gives mankind the power to cause great good and great evil, including the ability to create and use the undead. [Is that an example of great good or great evil? Because if I could use the undead to read slush, that would be good.]
On the day the gates open, Ehlana is seventeen years and adrift in her world without hope or purpose in life and she joins a thieves’ guild for the easy money. Six years later, Ehlana sees two people enter the sewers. [Are you just hitting the highlights of the book?
Scene 1. Chaos reigns as monsters are released into the world.
Scene 2. Six years later two people enter the sewers . . .
Are the monsters still around? What's been happening for six years? Not specific events if there aren't any important ones, but what's the world like? Are people and monsters coexisting? Are monsters killing people right and left?] She is spurred to action when she discovers that one of them is a notorious assassin. She follows the assassin into the sewer and learns that an evil cult is worshipping there. She takes this information to the watch and a high priestess. [Hi, I'm with the local thieves' guild, and I'd like to report a worshiping violation.] With their help she infiltrates the cult, learns of their plot to kill a court official and helps the watch seize the coven. Not all of the cult members are arrested and her life is now in danger. [If the authorities needed someone to go undercover, why would they choose Ehlana? Why not one of their own or at least someone who's never been a member of a criminal organization? And why does Ehlana care if some court official gets killed?]
Ehlana leaves the city for her protection and goes to the Bashkir region where she becomes the clans’ bard and learns their ancient language and that of the gypsies. Three years later [The book keeps starting over. Is there a connection that holds all the parts together besides the fact that Ehlana is in all of them?] the world stands on the brink of war partially due to the catastrophes caused by the gates. Ehlana has dreams and is advised to go to a temple to discover their meaning. She and her guide are joined by a barbarian priestess who believes Ehlana is a child in prophesy. [She's at least 26 years old by now.]
Ehlana learns through visions that the gates need to be closed [It's been over nine years since the gates were opened, bringing death and destruction and monsters upon the land, and no one has thought of closing them yet?] and in order to find out how they must go to the Anaran Academy and Library. There Ehlana using her abilities to read ancient texts and decipher riddles hidden in songs, learns how to close the gates. Although she hates magic and those that use it, she is not convinced they should be closed, because the gods’ gifts would cease as well. [Gates open = Monsters + natural disaters + evil magic (includes undead) + good magic. It's three to one.] She chooses to forsake her destiny but changes her mind when an undead army annihilates the Bashkir region. [Okay, okay, I'll close the lousy gates. Jeez, you'd think nine years of monsters and zombies was the apocalypse or something.]
Ehlana along with friends travel to place the gates were opened and she performs the ritual necessary to close the gates but is killed by the demon’s death knight before she succeeds. The gates are only partially closed. [That's it? The end? She's killed? After failing? That's like Gollum grabbing the ring from Frodo and shoving him into the fires of Mount Doom. Like Westley, Inigo and Fezzik getting killed and Buttercup marrying Humperdinck. Like Babe losing the sheep herding contest and Farmer Hogget selling him to Oscar Meyer.]
Notes
The opening of the gates begins the chaos. The closing of the gates will end the chaos. In between, we want to know about the chaos. Closing the gates doesn't seem so important if all you tell us about the nine years they've been open is that Ehlora spent six years as a bard and then helped prevent one guy from being assassinated. And someone almost went to war with someone. Is the zombie attack on Bashkir the only thing that's happened that's bad enough to spur Ehlana to action? Is studying in the library the only thing Ehlora does to try saving the world?
I see it as a problem that your main character accomplishes absolutely nothing. She has to succeed. If she fails, you may as well scrap this book and write one about the character who comes along later and gets the gates closed. That's the character we want to read about, not the one who accomplishes nothing.
What do the monsters look like? The Incredible Hulk? Dinosaurs? Calling them monsters makes it sound like a kids book. What are they?
Why you don't get published.
26 comments:
I got a lot of red flags telling me this is a D&D-game-turned-novel. While there's no reason a D&D game novel has to be bad, for some reason they always are.
One of the red flags I can identify is that the world details seem to be exactly what you'd find in a D&D rule book. There are demons, zombies, a thieves' guild, bards, deities that don't do anything other than give power to the PCs/protagonists... Can you be more specific about your world? Is there something that makes it unique from Tolkien and TSR?
Another red flag (also a plot problem, I think) is that the synopsis read to me like:
1. Inciting event occurs that has nothing to do with protagonist (i.e. the campaign).
2. Protagonist gets a class (Thief) and has adventures that have nothing to do with the campaign.
3. 6 years later, protagonist multiclasses (Bard). Still has nothing to do with the campaign.
4. 3 years later, protagonist has enough levels to begin adventures related to the campaign and the end boss.
5. Protagonist gets an adventuring party together and tackles the end boss's lackey, at which point she dies (which is terribly exciting in a D&D game, but anti-climactic in a novel).
Maybe this isn't a D&D game, I don't know. But I don't think the plot you've outlined here is a novel yet.
Start where your protagonist becomes involved in the main conflict. Here that would be when she starts getting the dreams. Everything else is just backstory.
Uh-oh...The main character fails from beginning to end?
Stories where characters continuously fail until they find a way to succeed are uplifting. Stories where the characters start out as winners only to lose in the end are tragic.
When they succeed from beginning to end it's boring, but when they fail throughout...You need a rewrite.
Is Etan the death knight?
This summary actually makes me more inclined to read the book than your query. It's an interesting premise: magic enters the world for better and for worse and it's up to Ehlana to decide whether good outweighs evil. That can be the recurring thread that ties all Ehlana's adventures together.
But there does need to be some kind of ending. Ehlana's original quest doesn't need to succeed in the way she expected but there has to be some kind of victory to give her story meaning. Perhaps she realizes the gates should not be closed entirely and chooses to sacrifice herself to control the flow of magic into her world?
Is the prologue really necessary? I'm betting you could scrap it and start with your protagonist.
Are the gates of hell left ajar at the end so a potential sequel can get in?
There's only one named character, so I have to assume she's got a pivotal role and the story concentrates on her ... trouble is, I'm not seeing how she's particularly pivotal. OK, there's a prophecy about her ... what does this prophecy say? If it says she's going to close the gates, and then she doesn't, then it's just a rubbish prophecy, isn't it? Or is it one of these ambiguous things where it turns out the prophecy comes true, only not the way you expected? - In short, is there a clever plot twist you're not telling us about?
From the sequence of events described, it looks like there's a sort of three-act structure going on, looking at Ehleana in gate-opening year, six years later, three years after that. Is there some story-logic-type connection between the three acts? Because if there is, I think we should be told.
I think we need a better picture of Ehleana and why we should care about her. (If I remember right, the query letter described her as an "unconquerable spirit", which is a bit of a swiz if the book ends with her getting conquered.) For example, why does it have to be her who closes these gates? Why can't it be anyone else?
I have no idea why I've been spelling the protagonist's name with a superfluous "e". Never mind.
At least now I know who the thief is ... does the death knight finish her off by hanging her? Because I still want to know where the hanging comes in.
Copy editor note: The word you want is prophecy. Prophesy (v.) is what a prophet does when he makes a prophecy (n.). (I saw that in the query a few times too, so you will want to check your MS.)
She just "becomes the clan's bard"? How the heck does that work? "Hi, just got in from foreign parts; do you have any job openings for an experienced thief or snitch?" "Well, we need someone to tell us our own culture's rich heritage of stories, songs, and language." "I'll take it! So, who do I learn this from?"
Considering that the MC as described here is a self-centered snitch who spends her time wandering around while the world is being destroyed, why is everyone assuming her defeat makes for a sad ending?
Other plot points as noted by commenters above.
The huge time gaps and ultimate failure are going to be issues for you. Right now the synopsis reads like three separate and only loosely connected incidents although I am sure in the story they fit together better. Make those connections clearer in the query.
Look at a true try-fail cycle before you start revising.
Generally, a MC has a problem she has to solve. She'll try three times during the course of the novel and fail twice. Each time she tries and fails the stakes should be raised.
How does Ehlana change? What does she accomplish? How does she resolve the moral issues and the choice between allowing evil to exist in order to preserve the good that comes with it? That story would really appeal to me.
I'm less bothered about her only partially suceeding and dying in the end but I want to know that she's not a passive character. I want a sense she's acting on events not that events are acting on her.
Good luck.
This doesn't work as a novel for me. You have at most 125k words to tell your story--why are so many apparently wasted on events that have nothing to do with the central conflict?
Ehlana meanders around the synopsis, too.
PROPHECY. PROPHECY. PLEASE.
Regarding the "prophecy" spelling, note that the synopsis was not submitted after the Face-Lift was posted, but at the same time the query was submitted. Thus the author cannot be expected to have made corrections in the synopsis based on comments about the query.
I'm not surprised, but that's two in about a month.
I agree with 150: the prologue isn't connected and doesn't feel very relevant where it is.
Thank-you - everyone that responded. I had a huge answer to every question and am trying to put it into a few words. Still working on it.
Sarah is almost one hundred percent correct. "magic enters the world for better and for worse and it's up to Ehlana to decide whether good outweighs evil."
As Ehlana matures her first conflict is she has to actually care. In the beginning she is very immature with the belief that if she did not care about what everyone else did - they would not care about what she did. Life shows her that she is her brother's keeper and others believe she is worth saving/protecting as well. Then she has to decide if the good outweighs the evil - after having to make a choice to do something at all. (And by the way - the governments and religious leaders don't want the gates closed - a few killed commmoners, a few small villages burned to the ground vs. having the power to rule the world.) Third, Ehlana realizes that she has to essentially die to close the gates - great things take great sacrifice. Regardless if an assassin kills her or not - she dies. (actually her soul ascends into heaven to become a star next to heroes that died before her) but without a soul your dead in this world.
One of the reason the story stretches out over a period of time is because not all the gates open at once, secondly, not every person can learn to use magic and those that can don't wake up one day with great power at their finger tips. It's a long tedious process with disasterous consequences (usually painful to the magic user) if they get it wrong and those that are practicing mastering magic are keeping some things secret.
Mathew - Etan was the person the demon used to open the gates.
Steve: Yes - I admit I was setting it up for book 2 where her friends have to finish the job, but I can go in a different direction. I also have gotten bored with the heroes always surviving. Heroes don't always live but that does not make what they accomplish anything less than those that do survive.
Eric: She was a street performer before becoming a thief. She has the ability to remember stories and to tell stories effectively, she learns languages easily, she tells the clan's bard you tell me your lore, I'll tell you mine. she plays the flute, sings and dances. She can talk anyone into just about anything and gives inspiring speeches. Other words the skills she is born with - make her a bard.
Kings Falcon: thank you for your critque especially. I am going to concentrate on answering those questions.
Also thank you EE: I'll make sure I answer those questions and valid criticisms as well. I love your humor - it lightens the blow.
vkw
Hmm. Based on all the comments, and your response ... I think you might want to work a little more about Ehlana's (did I spell it right that time?) character development into the synopsis. That seems to be the weak point. I mean, I believe you when you say she's unconquerable and independent and all these other nice things, but it's not coming across in a bald description of a sequence of events. If you can tie those events to her character arc, that might make things a lot clearer.
(And I've always been of the opinion, myself, that a noble and heroic character deserves an appropriately noble and heroic death. My beta readers learned long ago not to sell any of my characters life insurance.)
Greetings E.E. and his minions.
Here is another rewrite to the synopsis. I have a few questions - first to me this reads more like a query letter than a synopsis - so I am not even sure I am on the right path and is this better, worse, still awful and who fell asleep after the first paragraph.
thank you
vkw
When gates are opened in the world of Craie magic returns bringing mankind the ability to wield great power. But as the Patriarch of the Machay faith warns great power more often than not is accompanied by great evil. His advice is disregarded and the Republic and the Kingdom optimistically and, some would even say avariciously, race to identify who can use the magic and how to control it. As the gates open over the next six years a renaissance occurs with the resurgence of faith, for some believe it is the gods who have opened the gates, and an increase in scholarly pursuit of history and lore, as intellectuals try to discover how to control magic, but for the commoners the world has become a nightmare as medieval mythical beasts come through the gates bringing with them death and destruction and bandits take advantage of the governments’ distraction with learning to control magic rather than protecting trade routes and the general populace.
Ehlana, a young, gregarious street performer, turned thief, has very little interest in the gates and magic, or for that matter anything beyond her own life, until she is set up for murder and almost killed by another thief who she humiliated years before and magic saves her. Now disillusioned she dreams of starting a new life and is given the opportunity after witnessing a horrific ritual where a man is enchanted to kill himself. After helping the watch apprehend the coven, she is sent north for her protection and learns magic users are raising the dead and summoning the mythical beasts.
In her new home, Ehlana has everything she ever wanted – fame, fortune and yes even love but dreams begin to haunt her and she seeks answers at a temple. There visions reveal to her that the world stands on the brink of destruction and the only way to prevent this is to close the gates, but still Ehlana is unsure as she struggles with trying to decide if the magic causes more good than evil and whether this should even be her responsibility. Her mind is made up when an army of undead destroys her former home.
Now she and her friends must discover how to close the gates by researching ancient texts and deciphering clues hidden songs, and Ehlana must search deep within herself to find the faith and courage necessary to save her world.
You're on the right track, but you're not there yet. A few thoughts...
A synopsis should always include the ending.
The world is explained more clearly in this version and I find it to be interesting. However, I still feel like I don't know enough details about Ehlana and her enemies.
There are a number of technical errors throughout the text (which you probably didn't notice until after you posted this--I feel your pain on that one.)
You take too long to introduce Ehlana. I found the part about the bandits to be extraneous--Monsters are worse than bandits so they don't exactly add to the danger of the world.
Also, what kind of mythical beasts are these? Norse? Greek? Your own brand?
Revised Synopsis
When mysterious gates are opened in the world of Craie, magic returns, bringing mankind the ability to wield great power for good, but it does not come without a price. The gates also allow mythical beasts to enter the world, which bring death and destruction while some learn to use magic for great evil. And, unbeknownst to anyone, it is a demon that has opened the gates.
Over the next six years there is a resurgence of faith, for some believe it is the gods who have opened the gates, and a revival of scholarly pursuits, as intellectuals try to discover how to control magic, but for commoners the world has become desperate nightmare. Mythical beasts such as griffins, harpies and other ‘broken beasts’ ravage the land and bandits take advantage of the governments’ lack of interests in the common man, as they turn their attention and use more resources to master magic.
Ehlana, a young, gregarious street performer, turned thief, has no interests in the gates or magic, or for that matter anything beyond her self, a life that she becomes quickly disillusioned with. She is given the opportunity to start a new life after witnessing a horrific ritual where a man is enchanted to kill himself. While helping the watch apprehend the cult, by using her skills as a spy and a master of disguise, she learns that her brother may be inadvertently helping the cult. After it is apprehended, she warns him, but his involvement is far from unintentional. To prevent her from warning their guild he sets her up for a murder and when that fails tries to have her killed. It is magic that saves her both times. She is sent north for her protection and after her boat is attacked by harpies, she learns that magic users are summoning the mythical beasts and are learning to raise the undead.
In the north, Ehlana becomes a bard and learns ancient languages. She believes she has everything – fame, fortune and yes even love. But dreams begin to her haunt her and she is advised to seek answers at a temple. There visions reveal to her that the world stands on the brink of destruction and the only way to prevent this is to close the gates. Joined by a diverse group of friends from different beliefs and cultures, she discovers how to do this by researching ancient texts and deciphering clues hidden songs. They also learn it is a demon that has opened the gates. Ehlana then must find the courage and faith necessary to make the choice to take a stand, but the demon has learned of her and he sends his most powerful minions to stop her.
After defeating a Death Knight, Ehlana performs the ritual necessary; however, before it is completed an assassin kills her. Her soul ascends into the heavens and becomes a weak star next three other heroes who died before. Her star is named Hope, one of the three most important blessings given to man by the deities.
Her friends vow to finish closing the gates even it means descending into the Abyss.
vkw
How about condensing the first two paragraphs so you can get to the paragraph about Ehlana faster.
When the Demon NNN opens the Gates of Craie, mankind regains the use of magic. But this permits the mythical beasts -- harpies, minotaurs, griffens and other nightmares to roam the land. Anarchy spreads over the land.
I definitely agree about condensing the first paragraph - I like Dave F's suggestion. We need to get to the main character sooner.
The grammar/etc errors worry me a bit.
"It is magic that saves her both times."
How? Does she use magic? Do others save her with magic? Does inanimate magic just randomly happen to wander along and save her?
"Joined by a diverse group of friends from different beliefs and cultures, she discovers how to do this by researching ancient texts and deciphering clues hidden songs."
Uh-oh. I'm sorry, but this sounds really dull to me. How much of the book is devoted to researching ancient texts? If not much of the book, you can probably cut it. If a significant portion of the book, maybe you could find some other way of making this sound less... boring.
"After defeating a Death Knight, Ehlana performs the ritual necessary; however, before it is completed an assassin kills her. Her friends vow to finish closing the gates even [if] it means descending into the Abyss."
You don't need all that crap about her soul becoming a star and being named and blessed and whatnot. While that's probably a good ending for the book itself, it's irrelevant to the query (as I see it).
Hope this helps!
Your commas and clauses in the first two sentences have big problems.
When mysterious gates are opened in the world of Craie, magic returns, bringing mankind the ability to wield great power for good, [I'd start a new sentence here, or at least -- to show the separation of ideas. A comma just feels wrong.] but it [Say magic.] does not come without a price. The gates also allow mythical beasts to enter the world, which bring [This is supposed to be the beasts which bring, but the structure makes it sound like the world is bringing. Say "bringing" instead of "which bring."] death and destruction while some learn to use magic for great evil. [This last phrase doesn't connect. Make this idea of people using magic for evil a new sentence.]
Frankly, the grammar here worries me. Check it over again, especially for comma problems.
"(And I've always been of the opinion, myself, that a noble and heroic character deserves an appropriately noble and heroic death. My beta readers learned long ago not to sell any of my characters life insurance.)"
ROFL, Steve. I, too, have a propsensity for whacking characters once readers are appropriately attached.
That being said, anon, there's an old, wise adage about writing out that says you should start your story as late as possible i.e., when things really get rolling. In other words, imagine a coffee cup in the center of a table. Now pull the table cloth until the cup trembles at the very edge. This is the point where you want to begin your story, right before everything goes smash.
I get the feeling, especially with the time span, that a lot of this synopsis is background for your world and MC. The gates opening is an inciting event, certainly, but it isn't Ehlana's inciting event. We need to pinpoint exactly what starts Ehlana on her journey--because that is where your story starts. Everything else before is mostly window dressing.
On the up side, I actually quite like the premise itself. Part of writing fantasy is getting your reader immersed in your world as well as invested in your characters. I love the idea of Ehlana sacrificing herself to close the gates and becoming a star, but I think she has to succeed, even with the help of her friends. This makes Ehlana a champion, and I'm a sucker for these tales.
The gates can always be a matter of fierce temptation for the bad guy in your sequel. To see this sort of epic fantasy done exceptionally well I'd suggest you read some Eddings (who also has an MC named Ehlana) and Melanie Rawn's Ambrai series.
Thank you all for your help,
CaitMorgan - I love Eddings and I have read most of his works. (I became a little tired of him after awhile, but I return to him once in awhile for inspiration and a fresh breath). I can honestly say that he inspired me to make my own world.
This is what I am trying to convey in the query and synopsis.
Ehlana is a whimisical young woman - who although not evil is quite selfish and thoughtless of people's feelings and the consequences of her actions. Much like - hate to be stereotypical - teenagers in general. She has no problem poking fun at people and pulling pranks
Her life begins to change when she becomes disillusioned by her life in general, then she witnesses a horrific murder, is betrayed by her brother, almost hung, almost killed and suddenly life is not so funny anymore. (Life is like this - when we grow up - I think most find fulfillment in their life but its not so much fun)
After having a chance to start a new life she sees the terrors of war, court politics, is not fully accepted due to be foreign, is betrayed by a lover and befriends others who have fullfillment in their lives. She wants that.
And slowly must change from a flightly selfish girl who must be willing to give up her soul to save the world and does so without becoming embittered.
The story starts when the gates are opened for the book but starts for Ehlana when she becomes part of a guild by humilitating someone.
It's not a problem having her succeed and book two certainly can continue with her friends vowing the gates will never be opened again by destroying any means for them to be reopened.
Thank you all again. I really do appreciate your help.
vkw
You have the heart of the synopsis but there is too much clutter.
Ehlana's journey is from a selfish little twit to someone who sacrifices herself in an attempt to save the world. THAT's your through line. Make every word of your synopsis relate to it.
You're a bit more YA than true fantasy. The inner journies fall along these lines:
1) Self-centered
2) Family/close associates-centered;
3) community-centered
4) World centered ex. Mother Theresa.
Ehlana's journey is about moving from stage 1 to 4. Once you realize that, the information you need for the synopsis (what makes her move) becomes a bit easier to figure out.
So . . .
Ehlana, a street performer turned thief, has no interest in the gates opening up across Craie and magic they usher into the world until she's framed for murder and magic saves her from the hangman's noose(a detail about how the "magic" saves her would be better than the generic "magic saves her").
Under the tutilage of XY, Ehlana learns to harness the world's magic and that the price of magic is that monsters have again entered the world. She gains fame and fortune using magic to enhance her performance (*Quiet Robin*).
Haunted by dreams of XY, she seeks the advice of XY who tells her that if the gates are not closed the world will be destroyed. Closing the gates carries its own price, her life. She turns away from the task.
When an army of WEREDINGOS destroys her village, she decides that the price of magic is too high. Along with XY and YX, she vows to close the gates and stop evil from leaching into the world. After learning the MUMBO JUMBO needed to do so, they start but the forces of evil (again be specific and don't use my generic "the forces of evil") are on their heels. After closing 10 of the 50 gates, she's killed. XY and YZ vow to carry on the mission.
Something like that. Hope this helps.
Kings Falcon - you are awesome. Your synopsis is close - very close
That is exactly what happens -
1. Self-centered - becomes family and guild centered (organized crime)
She gets some cash and some popularity.
2. Family betrays her and the guild is taken over by nasty brother - starts a new life
Unfullfilled; Dreams for something different. The queen looks like she has good gig - I want that.
3. Community Centered - fame, fortune, love, wants marriage, children - betrayed actually by a lover and then the community.
unfullfilled - Well that didn't work out so well. Haunted by dreams and advised to seek spirtual help.
Discovers she can close the gates but only by great personal sacrifice - she says - "this ain't my problem" - until her adopted home is destroyed.
4. World centered - after seeing the destruction magic can bring and being led by friends of great faith.
Becomes willing to sacrifice herself - perhaps partially for her own personal redemption but mostly because of her love for the world, and having known despair, does not want others to know it.
You know I kind of was thinking HTT had more of a YA feel than epic adventure - but I'm not really that sure what differentiates the two but length.
That's an interesting question.
Ehlana does not get magic - Life changes an ordinary woman to do an extroadinary thing - even when extroadinary people choose not to make a stand or even to do the right thing.
Besides - I am quite bored with fantasies where there is a zillion different species (elves, dwarfs, fairies) and everyone and there dog gets magic and even horses are telepathic and monsters are like horses (griffins) and your best friend also is a monster (vampires, werewolves). "You know my b/f is a great guy - except for that drinking blood problem and howling at the moon. At least he doesn't cheat on me."
Can you imagine a world where most people could acquire magic? Who gets to be King then - talk about anarchy.
Actually - all of you are awesome. thank you.
vkw
There's a lot that differentiates YA and non-YA fantasy. The first is the age of your protagonist. The second is the language you use. Third is the whole "coming of age" issue. Lenght is becoming less of an issue as the Twilight series had more typical "fantasy" length but was clearly YA.
I'm sure others can add more items but that's some of them.
Not to be annoying or anything, but Ehlana is a character in Edding's Elenium and Tamuli trilogies. In fact, she's the young queen of Elenia. You might want to keep that in mind. I don't know where you came up with the name, I'm just saying.
David
Post a Comment