Face-Lift 939

Guess the Plot

Office Preserves

1. A jar of blueberry jelly endures the boredom of shelf life until office worker Maria remembers the hapless jar. The action kicks into high gear when Maria drops the jar and it flees, gleefully rolling out the door, unaware it's leaving a vivid blue trail of goo.

2. After taking a tranquilizer dart to the neck and waking up in the corporate offices of the galaxy's top "preserve," where Rice Krispy treats are handed out by the ton, Toby fears he's to be a zoo attraction. But an alien named Freddie arrives and explains that this tourist trap is no zoo; it's a hunting ground. And Toby's the game!

3. Civilization has collapsed, thank God, and it's back to nature for the human race. Here and there a few people cling to the old ways in decaying networks of cubicles called "office preserves". But how long can they defend themselves against grizzly bears, feral humans, and tigers with a helluva grudge?

4. Everybody accepts sweet Donna Mae's gifts of strawberry preserves. She has hundreds of the jars lining her cubicles. But when coworkers actually open and taste the stuff, they suddenly realize what's become of all those missing temp workers.

5. 2125, Chicago. After the alien overlords from Beta Centauri have conquered man, they keep human zoos for educational purposes. The Sears Tower holds the most famous zoo of all: the Office Preserve, where Homo Nerdis can be seen in their native glory. Also, nerd sex.

6. After the Zombie Non-Discrimination Act passes, Oliver Penworth sees an opportunity to expand his formaldehyde trade. But when he hires a few of the undead, he learns valuable lessons about tolerance, respect, and proper ventilation in the workplace.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Toby’s trip to the zoo abruptly ends when he catches a tranquilizer dart in the neck. He awakens in the corporate lobby of Preser Tech, a place where Rice Krispy Treats are handed out by the metric ton, [To whom? Superman? Can anyone else even lift a metric ton?] secretaries are passed around like candy, and the CEO is an alien named Freddie who eagerly welcomes Toby to his new life – life in one of the galaxy’s best preserves.

Despite the alien’s sales pitch, Toby has no intentions of spending the rest of his life as a tourist attraction, upcoming season or not. [Not clear what "upcoming season or not" means.] What Toby doesn’t plan into his escape are the facts that the food is drugged, his coworkers are insane, [Why does he need to plan these things into his escape?] and his new secretary, [Did he have an old secretary?] Clarice, is obsessed with cutting out his eyes. All of that, however, pales in comparison when he discovers that conservation isn’t what this preserve is for; it’s for hunting. [Pales in comparison for him, maybe, but I'd rather keep my eyes and be hunted than have my eyes cut out and work in an office.]

Toby gets a crash course in survival while Freddie and his loyal patrons go on safari. To Toby’s dismay, he discovers that the only person who might know a way out of this place is his psychotic, knife-wielding assistant. Worst of all, he realizes, if he can’t find a way to placate her soon and pry [out] her secrets, life on the preserve is going to be a lot shorter than he ever intended. [He never intended life on the preserve to be any length, as he didn't intend to be there.] [Does the crash course in survival involve being hunted on this safari, or is he being trained to be the hunted on a future safari?]

OFFICE PRESERVES is complete at 75,000 words. [Bio]

Thank you for you time and consideration,


Notes

If Toby is essentially a prisoner, as suggested by his planning an escape, then why is he given a sales pitch? What are they selling him on?

I also don't get why he has coworkers and a secretary. What work is he doing? If they tell me that tomorrow I'm to be the prey in a hunt, but today they need me to file some reports, I'm not gonna be highly motivated.

Is this set on Earth, or has Toby been whisked to another planet?

We need to know how old Toby is and who your intended audience is. The plot sounds like middle grade, what with silly touches like Rice Krispy treats and an alien named Freddie. But if Toby's a kid, why does he need a secretary? And I wouldn't expect a kid's book to use the phrase "where secretaries are passed around like candy."

There are too many details that aren't important to the plot. I can appreciate wanting to show humor to set this apart from the many non-comedic stories in which man is hunted for sport, but start by summarizing the main plot (Toby's predicament and what he plans to do about it) with a logical progression of events. Later, if you have room, you can work in a few examples of humor.

Face-Lift 669

Guess the Plot

Love Ya Mouse

1. Improve your computer's performance through romance! This handy manual will show you how to smooch your monitor, seduce your motherboard, and of course . . . love ya mouse.

2. In a Disney World restaurant Dave witnesses a customer's complaint that the chicken hasn't appeared, by which he means Donald Duck isn't on the scene. Realizing something should be done about ignorant and obnoxious theme park patrons, Dave complains to Mickey Mouse. But Mickey just calls him a butthead.

3. In Cleveland, a single mom is raising twin daughters. One night a mouse dressed up as a king demands one of the daughters as a bride, claiming both girls will die if he is refused. So the mom gives him the "bad" sister. After a week he brings her back and demands the other. So the mom gives him the "good" sister. After a week he brings her back and demands the mom. So the mom goes with him and turns into a mouse, and they live happily ever after in an amazingly well-furnished little burrow in the backyard — until a cat in a cape takes over the 'hood.

4. Fuzz, a pacifist cat, protects a group of mice from other felines. Along the way his heart is stolen by the gorgeous mouse Clarissa Cheese. But when Clarissa betrays him to the cat mafia for three pounds of cheddar, can Fuzz shed his pacifist beliefs and get his revenge?

5. Brenda is skeptical when her new dating service sends pictures of a rodent, but desperate people must do desperate things, so she meets the mouse, and is delighted to discover he writes screenplays and has his own tiny penthouse with deluxe exercise wheel and a lifetime supply of nourishing seeds.

6. Somebody dropped a safe on Jerry's tiny little head and Tom wants to know who. Can Kojak crack the case in time to save Wile E. Coyote from the same fate? Who Loves Ya Mouse?



Original Version

Dear Evil,

Mild-mannered Dave Jevik had taken his family to Disney once before but it hadn’t been like this. He hated run-ins with pushy Disneyphiles like Nancy and Vinnie Zandanel, who eat the meek for lunch in Orlando. It isn’t long, however, before Dave sees how different life is on the other side of the decorum tracks. He watches and learns as Nancy works the system and plans military-style incursions designed to maximize efficiency in the parks. He cringes yet celebrates as she skillfully punishes line cutters and obnoxious children while overcoming obstacles like stroller people, oversized support teams for wheel chair guests, scooter maniacs and worst of all, helicopter parents. [If Dave is here with his family, why aren't they complaining about him following Nancy around? Even if he's alone, at the prices of tickets, would he really just watch another customer for tips on efficiently seeing the attractions?]

Dave learns that there is a right way and a wrong way to make it work, as evidenced by a customer tantrum he watches in a Disney restaurant:

“So where is he? Where’s the goddamned chicken?”

“What chicken, sir?”

“You know damn well what chicken! White feathers, big yellow beak, talks funny. My five-year old is screaming for his ass. When’s he coming out?”

“Do you mean Donald?”

“How the hell should I know his name? I’m a grown man!”

“Donald doesn’t appear in this restaurant, sir.”

“What? A hundred bucks for dinner and we don’t get to see the goddamn chicken?”

“Sir, Donald is a duck, not a chicken.” [Amusing dialogue, but it doesn't effectively make the point you claimed it does, and an excerpt isn't needed in a query letter.]

The story isn’t without intrigue, even if it is a flimsy, transparent plot device that’s clearly there only to give the protagonists a chance to shine. Dave and Vinnie bumble behind the scenes as they work to expose the seamy truth about a fraudulent lawsuit based back home in Indiana. Along the way they literally go underground where they encounter Mickey (who calls Dave “Butthead”), and Cinderella (who is cussing out a coworker while puffing on a cigarette) before witnessing an arm-wrestling match between Pinocchio and Aladdin. [It may be a flimsy, transparent plot device, but if exposing the fraudulent lawsuit is Dave's reason for being here, it's the only plot you've got. So fill us in on the lawsuit.]

If you don’t mind some political incorrectness and some good-natured bashing of Disney and its devotees (I’m one), you might enjoy this story for the laughs even if a satire about the most powerful entertainment force in America is a horrible and unmarketable idea. Parents who have visited Disney World will devour the accuracy and detail and will relish the discussions on the rule breakers that they’ve all come across.

The last time I visited Disney I knew I had to write this. “Love Ya Mouse” is a 60,000 word satire for the Disney fanatics who didn’t drink the Kool-aid. Please let me know if you’d like to take a look.

Thanks,


Notes

It's good that you recognize that the Mouse will have you killed if you publish this, just as I will be killed for posting the photograph to the right (They didn't mind selling me the overpriced ears, as long as I lock them in a safe and never let anyone see them.), but the key to satirizing an entity that will sue your pants off is to change all the names. The Simpsons don't visit Disney World, they go to Itchy and Scratchy Land or Krusty World or whatever. National Lampoon's Vacation was in Walley World. Make up your own theme park and characters. It's not like obnoxious people don't visit theme parks other than Disney. For maximum comic effect, exaggerate the obnoxiousness of the guests at your park.

Face-Lift 651

Guess the Plot

The Lesser Species

1. Cows have had enough. It's time to knock humans to the bottom of the food chain.

2. Aliens land on earth and refuse to communicate with humans. Strange gases start coming out of their ships, killing any human who comes near them. One scientist realizes the chemicals in the gas are pesticides, and the aliens are carrying tanks full of the stuff to rid the Earth of . . . the lesser species.

3. A man is abducted from Earth by the Galactic Council and put into a zoo with other lesser species. He escapes and rigs the next election so that he becomes Galactic President. But once in power he realizes he'd just as soon have a plate of nachos.

4. Dogs vs. Cats. The final war that will end the debate once and for all.

5. Christof flexed his legs. It was time for the revolution. His army's carapaces gleamed. He was proud of them. So began his war against the lesser species. One day the Earth would again belong to Christof, king of the cockroaches.

6. Biologist Harold Carter is obsessed with the reproduction of the monotremes. He's spent decades in Australia, studying. Meanwhile his wife and children grow increasingly distant. Will he return to soul-crushing suburbia, or stay in Australia with his beloved platypi?



Original Version

While there’s no doubt we humans are happy to wallow in our own importance, what would happen if we were sent into the galaxy where everyone else regards us as The Lesser Species? [We're already regarded as the lesser species by cats. And, of course, sharks.]

Mistaken for Earth’s leaders, Lucy and Peter are abducted by the Galactic Council as part of an outreach project for lesser species. When they end up at a natural zoo, an unhinged journalist orchestrates their escape and leads the reluctant pair on a quest for excitement. [If the Council wants a couple Earthlings in their zoo, why would they care whether they get Earth's leaders? They ought to go for Penn and Teller or Yo-yo Ma and Tina Turner. Much more entertaining for zoo visitors. Wait, professional wrestlers!] This includes seriously annoying a man who owns a religion, [The best example you can come up with of their quest for excitement is they annoy a guy?] and convincing a group of rebellious programmers to rig the next election. On a parallel quest to find Peter, his fiancée Wendy and her friend Mark spend most of their time in a spaceport security line, with a short stint as the pets of reality show stars. All four meet up at the Council where, despite a horrid press photo and inane campaign speeches, Peter is elected Galactic President.

The Lesser Species accompanies these four travelers as they try—and fail—to make sense of their place in the galaxy. Lucy sets out to raise the bar for the human race, but only manages to raise the bar on her weirdness scale. Mark applies scientific reasoning to all problems, and still loses all of his luggage and one of his shoes. Wendy discovers that big breasts and a winning smile really are tickets into anywhere. [Especially if you ever want to be published.] Peter never learns to duck when the galaxy tosses something unexpected at him. But at the heartwarming conclusion, they realize that relationship drama, hot showers, and nachos are what make life as a Lesser Species not so bad.

A science fiction satire of 73,000 words, The Lesser Species would be appreciated by those who (like me) regret that Douglas Adams can’t add a sixth book to his Hitchhiker Trilogy.

As a computer engineer, I spend most of my time writing about real science, but over the past five years, I’ve added fiction to my repertoire. One of my science fiction stories won a Southwest Writer’s Award.

I’d be pleased to send you my completed manuscript. Thank you for your time.


Notes

The tone is right for the type of book. This could get results, but I'm not thrilled by some of the details. For instance, the third paragraph is listy, which is okay, as the plot is finished, but the items in the list aren't especially funny or interesting. Except the breasts, of course. If you could make Lucy's more specific and Mark's less boring it would help. I don't consider it ironic that a guy who applies scientific reasoning to all problems loses luggage and a shoe. Typical absent-minded professor.

The previous paragraph doesn't need the horrid press photo or the waiting in a security line:

On a parallel quest to find Peter, his fiancée Wendy and her friend Mark become celebrities as the pets of galactic reality show stars. All four eventually meet up at the Council where, despite a series of inane campaign speeches, Peter is elected Galactic President.

If you also dump annoying the guy, or replace it with something that is exciting I'd be more excited myself. (Possibly just telling us what they do to annoy him would be enough, if it's funny.)

Face-Lift 603

Guess the Plot

The Halleluiah Chicken

1. When Pastor John beheads a chicken for dinner, he's shocked that it continues to live--headless. Convinced it's a sign from God, he and Lazarus the Rooster embark on a journey across America.

2. This summer has been just plain weird. First, Cassie's dad leaves town with a suitcase full of embezzeled money, then her mom joins a strange religious born-again group, and now her health-obsessed aunt is making them eat chicken every night for dinner. And the worst part: It's only half-way through July.

3. Gloria the hen knew exactly why she wanted to cross the road: to get to the religious revival on the other side. Can she dodge aggressive roosters, angry farmers, and the dreaded arguments of her atheist friends to make it to her own Halleluiah?

4. A rooster attempts to take over the leading religious communities by raising an army of genetically modified chickens while passing himself off as the first reincarnation of the Christian Messiah and the 15th Embodiment of the Tibetan Poachen Lama.

5. Frank Donnelly, newly appointed CEO of McDonald's Corporation, attempts to appeal to Christian consumers by hiring a priest to bless the meat. But when the big cheese in heaven starts speaking to Frank, via The Halleluiah Chicken and the Beef McJesus, all hell breaks loose!

6. Maria, the shy daughter of an ailing farmer, is suddenly thrust into the spotlight when her father's favorite chicken turns up at the site of a religious miracle, leads police to find a missing boy, and pecks at a wanted, fleeing criminal. When crowds swarm her family's property, hoping to pay homage to the chicken, Maria faces some tough decisions.


Original Version

A power-hungry chicken with a messianic complex emerges from a caponiere to take over the world's religious communities and spread a new gospel based on Chicanery.

Adolph Schickengroper, a Minorca rooster raised in the bower of an eagle's aerie, attempts to take over the leading religious communities by raising an army of genetically modified chickens while passing himself off as the first reincarnation of the Christian Messiah, Huevos Christos, and the 15th Embodiment of the Tibetan Poachen Lama. [Not sure exactly what "take over religious communities" means, but we don't need it in both the first and second sentences.]

Arnold Hamnegger, a culture hero and soul mate of the wily bird, acquires the ability to communicate with all feathered fowl after he is bitten by a pit viper and in the ensuing struggle swallows some of its blood.

My novel of social satire consists of 68,000 words and is based on dozens of folk tales and superstitions surrounding birds and snakes indigenous not only to the United States but Europe and Asia. [What's indigenous to the US and Europe and Asia? The folk tales or the birds and snakes? Either way get the birds and snakes out of the sentence as they're drying up the humor.] [In fact, save the folk tales for your closing paragraph. Just tell us what happens.]

The folk tales, though not entirely concealed, are convincingly disguised in this contemporary satirical farce of a middle-aged family man who falls in love with a country and western singer, leaves his home and family to become a lone groupie, but is turned by the hand of fate into an American culture hero.

Ophites, trolls, evangelists, sports fans, TIME reporters resurrected from the dead, creatures from Irish, Welsh, Indian and Eastern mythology, and an American socialite so fat she is capable of disguising herself as a Victorian mansion, cruise ship and/or a blimp, [The mansion is funny. The cruise ship and blimp are the same joke. Settle for one laugh or risk getting none.] [Also, that list is too long. Shorten it to Trolls, evangelists, zombies, mythological creatures and an American socialite so fat . . . ] parade through the pages of this novel in time to resurrect humanity from the menace of Chicanery.

____________ is a news and articles editor with 20 years experience. He has worked for newspapers and magazines in the USA, and for international wire services and human rights publications in Hong Kong, Thailand and China. [No need to use 3rd person . . . unless you aren't the author. Did the chicken write this?]


Notes

Put the bio, word count, genre, etc. in the last paragraph and stick with the plot in the rest.

Pretend it's not a farce and organize it as if it's a serious novel. We'll get that it's wacky from the details, but we need to know how it progresses. Arnold leaving his home should be close to the front. How does he meet Adolph? Is he Adolph's translator? How successful is the chicken? Does he fill stadiums?

The huevos/poachen gags lead me to wonder if this is a world in which the leading religious communities are already fowl-based. If the chicken is taking over humanity's leading religious communities, which makes for a better satire, I'd leave those jokes out of the query.

This crazier the story, the more I want to feel the author is in control. The query is pretty much out of control. A tight query will go a long way toward convincing us you can handle this material.

Personally, I don't like the use of the names Hamnegger and Schickengroper, especially the former. Those are cheap laughs, better suited to a kid's book. We want to feel like an average guy is getting caught up in insanity. If his name is Hamnegger, we're not going to feel like it's real.

Face-Lift 584

Guess the Plot

Stoned

1. The special seeds from Amsterdam that Dane ordered to save his gardening business from ruin will earn him a fortune, if only he can keep the cops away and stop his partner Craig from smoking most of the crop. Oh, and escape the heavies that Ted "The Shiv" has sent to kill him.

2. Alexander Weiss has been charged with a difficult task: find a husband for Medusa's sister, who has a bad habit of turning her suitors into stone. Hilarity ensues, especially when Alex falls for the bachelorette himself. Also, a javelin contest.

3. When the wizard Greybeard bequeaths the fabled Gravel of the King to the brave young halfling Mojo, no one anticipates the effect these magical elf stones will have on his smaller physiology. Only two things are for certain: they're going to need a lot of munchies and this is going to be the grooviest quest Medium Earth has ever seen.

4. Spaced-out toker, Floyd T. Droop, drops his entire stash of class A drugs when a bunch of equally out-there cops raid a neighbouring apartment searching for potato chips. With only the spirits of 1,584 dead Navajo Indians to guide him, will he ever make it back under his bean bag?

5. Melody Harker finds the alcoholic satyr Silenus stumbling around the dandelions in her window box. She takes him in, sobers him up and gives him back to Dionysus, who (also drunk almost to incoherence) gives her the Midas Touch in return. Unfortunately, he's afraid of what a sudden influx of gold will do to the modern economy and substitutes igneous rock. Now she's afraid everything she touches will be taken for granite.

6. When bumbling politician, Mike McMichaels, argues for the legalization of marijuana and is successful, he doesn't realize his campaign slogan--"Getting stoned: Not as bad as it seems"--was misinterpreted until he's found guilty of fraud and positioned against a wall for some old-fashioned punishment.


Original Version

Dear EE,

I am seeking representation for Stoned, a 65,000 word satire.

Alexander Weiss's morning routine is interrupted when a whale is dropped on his head. The twelve Olympians have returned after a much needed vacation, [I'll save the minions the trouble of Googling the Twelve Olympians. They are: Zeus . . . um . . . Mrs. Zeus . . . Michael Phelps, Apolo Anton Ono, Thor, Sauron, Penelope Cruz, Hemingway, Aquaman and the Beatles (without Ringo).] and he just happened to be caught in the crossfire of one of their squabbles. [They settle their squabbles by hurling whales? Have they considered rock, paper, scissors?]

Dying should have been easy, but when Alex crosses into the Underworld, he manages to insult Athena, goddess of wisdom. [If she's so wise, what's she doing in the Underworld?] To make amends, Alex is forced into a simple task -- find a husband for a girl named Euryale. Unbeknownst to Alex, the bachelorette is like her sister, Medusa, and has [snakes on her head, which tends to be a big turn-off to guys. Also, she has] the annoying habit of turning her suitors to stone. After amassing a hefty collection of new statues, Alex falls for her and proposes. [When the minister says, "You may kiss the bride," I'm gonna have second thoughts about marrying a woman with snakes on her head.]

A happy ending should have come posthaste, but in the celebrations, Alex bests Ares in a javelin contest and things become tense. [I bought the flying whale and the woman with the snakes on her head, but a dead guy beating the god of war in a javelin contest? Only if it was a javelin catching contest.] Fortunately, Ares is a good sport, so when he announces his intent to wage war, he gives Alex a week's time to raise an army in response. After all, there is no glory in beating down an unprepared mortal. [When you're the god of war, is there glory in beating down a prepared mortal? I wouldn't expect Tiger Woods to do a victory dance after beating Stephen Hawking at golf, even if Hawking's been practicing all week.]

Now, Alex will need the cunning of Odysseus and the strength of Hercules if he is to survive Ares' wrath, rescue his bride, [From . . . ?] and not piss off the remaining Olympians that still find his antics entertaining.

I am a chaplain, [Are chaplains allowed to say "piss off"?] have an M. Div., [Cleverly abbreviated so we won't realize you mean you have a Moroccan divan. Reminds me of the time I put on my resume that I had a Ph.D. from Brown. When they called me on it I said, "Oh that. I meant I have a Phoenician doorknob that was delivered by UPS.] and am well read in Greek Mythology. Stoned is my first novel. [Unpublished my first novel is. Why are we talking like Yoda?]

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Notes

I didn't see the movie Snakes on a Plane, but it would have been cool if it turned out the pilot was Medusa.

Is Alex seeking Euryale's bride among the dead, or in the mortal world or among immortals?

This sounds good. I think I'd like the stakes spelled out better. The stakes should be that Alex's bride needs rescuing, and that he can find happiness in the underworld only by defeating Ares. These antics of Alex that the gods find entertaining don't impress me as stakes in a war.

If you're dead and in the Underworld, does it really matter if you lose a war to the god of war?

Face-Lift 446

Guess the Plot

Once Upon a Quest

1. When a best-selling fantasy author takes to telling his young daughter bedtime stories, he finds himself compulsively expanding classic fairy tales into massive narratives replete with wide-ranging sub-plots and multitudinous arrays of secondary characters. Years later, he finds the child has died of boredom.

2. A band of adventurers prepare to embark on a glorious evil-vanquishing quest, only to realize that their realm has experienced nothing but peace and prosperity for seven years, and no one really needs any evil vanquished.

3. A dragon saves a princess from a fate worse than death-- marriage to the villainous Prince Charming-- and hilarity ensues as they seek the means to live happily ever after.

4. At midnight John Inkleton slowly crawls through the dim hall of the Crow's Inn toward the sleeping princess, who is disguised as a scullery wench. His quest: cut off her hair for Peggy McFlynn, the Irish witch who enchanted his village.

5. There's nothing holding Jane Smith back as she inches along a narrow ledge near the top of the Empire State Building. She's determined to get her pages to Miss Snark's attention, or die trying. But does Her Snarkiness even live there? Or will that window actually reveal the red velvet hideout of Viggo the Terrible?

6. When Sleeping Beauty wakes up after 100 years to find herself alone in a ruined tower, she knows that Prince Charming has let her down. Accompanied by a half-blind dragon and a mouse with a big mouth she sets out to find him and show him that a Princess can be a tigress. That's assuming she survives the journey . . .


Original Version

Dear [Agent],

Owen Masterson needs a quest. Not just any quest, but one so grand it will cut years of service from city guard drudgery and catapult him to knight-status. His childhood friend, Finley Winterbourne, knows that an epic journey will provide the perfect material for a grand ballad – something he believes will secure him a cushy spot as the Bard of a High House [Suddenly we're capitalizing everything.] – and agrees to accompany Owen. Unfortunately for the friends, the realm of Turon has endured nothing but peace and prosperity for seven long years… and it doesn’t look like anything is about to change.

Still, the friends refuse to give up – evil must certainly still exist somewhere, and they intend to find it. With the help of a bawdy, female dwarf, a delusional peasant who believes herself the banished heiress of a long-decrepit estate, a small potatoes thief, and a mediocre wizard who has a serious shapeshifting problem, the band of wannabe adventurers set off on a quest-for-the-quest that will fulfill their destinies. [Those who set off with the help of the heiress, wizard, dwarf and thief are the Daring Duo, not a band.] But when they finally stumble upon a town in peril, will they be ready to take the enemy on? [We don't need quite so much information about the bit players. What we do need is a better wrap-up. Do they stumble upon a town in peril? Who are the enemy? You wouldn't describe Lord of the Rings by saying,

A hobbit goes on a quest accompanied by a couple of his friends, a bawdy male dwarf, a six-foot-tall elf, a wizard, and some guy who's actually a king. Will they defeat their enemies and complete their quest?]

We need more than the set-up; we need something about the quest.

Complete at 70,000 words, ONCE UPON A QUEST is a comic fantasy novel appropriate for readers aged 14+. My past credentials include [credentials]. This is my first novel.

At your request, I would be happy to send a partial of [or] full version of the manuscript. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Revised Version

Owen Masterson needs a quest, and not just any quest; a quest so grand it will cut years from his city guard commitment and catapult him to knighthood. Owen's best friend, Finley Winterbourne, knows that an epic journey will provide the perfect material for a grand ballad –which he believes would secure him a cushy spot as the bard of a High House. The two men set forth on a quest to vanquish evil--until they realize that the realm of Turon has experienced nothing but peace and prosperity for seven long years, and that no one needs any evil vanquished.

Still, the friends refuse to give up – evil must certainly exist somewhere, and they intend to find it. Joined by a bawdy female dwarf, a delusional peasant, a petty thief, and a mediocre wizard, the wannabe adventurers embark on a quest for a quest--one that will fulfill their destinies.

Sadly, the people are so miserably content, the realm so depressingly perfect, that the band of heroes contemplate returning home. Then they happen upon Desolation, a squalid town governed by tyrant weredingos. At last! This is what they've been looking for all along. Or is it? How can a half-dozen bungling stumblebums hope to defeat the most heinous, depraved creatures ever to walk the face of the Earth?


Notes

Up until it petered out, I liked it.

Face-Lift 421

Guess the Plot

The Prettiest Little Antichrist

1. Six years ago Marlene was seduced by Satan himself. Now she's readying their daughter Firenza to compete in beauty pageants. But she needs the father's permission. Will she discover that there are some things too horrifying for even Satan?

2. He wore a beard, she was smooth-cheeked. He wore sandals, she wore stilettos. And anything he could do, she could do better. Dueling preachers Jesse and Mary were happily married until one vicious argument over transubstantiation tore them apart. Can Jesse ever apologize enough for calling his wife . . . the Prettiest Little Antichrist?

3. Investigative journalist Shiela Nagig is working on an expose of the child beauty contest circuit when the Archdiocese of Sheboygan hires her to find out why six of their little angels from the Christmas Play have mysteriously disappeared along with a valuable altarpiece.

4. “My daddy’s going to be President,” she said, and somehow she was right. Now the world wonders how someone so dim-witted rose to such heights – twice -- and whether anyone will survive eight years of his blundering. No one suspects that the true engineer of global destruction is not the man in power but the girl in his shadow, and nothing can stop her.

5. When movie director Marcus Bray is told that angelic Annika Angstrom, the child star of his latest film, is the Antichrist, he assumes that means she's a typical Hollywood spoiled brat--until a series of grisly “accidents” start killing off the cast and crew. Is a hit movie worth letting Annika achieve dominion over the world?

6. Nine-year-old Ashley-Blanche Carmichael leaves Catholic school to follow her dream of stardom, only to land in the middle of the most bizarre child beauty pageant ever. Can the nuns of St. Wendelyn's keep her from winning the title of . . . The Prettiest Little Antichrist?

7. Dan came prepared to judge the kiddie beauty pageant semi-finals with a full flask of gin and a bottle of Sudafed. But when Little Miss Pittsburgh began spinning her head around and vomiting on the other contestants, he knew he'd found his next Miss Photogenic.


Original Version

Your Evil Majesty:

The Prettiest Little Antichrist is a comic novel that shamelessly rips off lovingly pays tribute to the classic horror film The Omen.

Movie director Marcus Bray is thrilled when child star Annika Angstrom is cast in the lead role of his latest project. Little Annika has enchanted America with her angelic looks and girl-next-door charm. It’s her talent, though, that Marcus values most, specifically her talent for raking in heaping piles of cash.

When a friend mentions that Annika is the Antichrist, Marcus assumes he means “spoiled Hollywood brat.” But Annika literally is the Antichrist, whose ascension will bring forth the Apocalypse. Annika’s true identity is an open secret among Hollywood’s power elite, and while they all agree that this whole ending-the-world business is a bad thing—perhaps even a very bad thing—the bottom line is that Annika sells tickets.

The shoot is a nightmare from the start. Marcus, who’s spent his career terrorizing film crews with his egomaniacal bullying, discovers that Annika is essentially a shorter, prettier version of himself, times ten. The crew delights in watching her repeatedly eviscerate him (only figuratively, at this point). Marcus fantasizes about punching her little lights out, but her gargantuan Rottweiler, Lulubell, is always lurking nearby, staring at him. When Marcus finally tries to quit, his sinister producer warns that it would be suicide. (Marcus: “You mean career suicide, right?” Sinister Producer: “Sure, let’s go with that for now.”)

Then a series of grisly “accidents” start killing off the cast and crew. The accidents are revealed to be the work of a renegade Catholic priest trying to shut down the production. The priest tells Marcus that Annika draws her power from the adoration of her fans; the popularity boost she’d receive from the movie’s release would render her unstoppable. After the priest is killed, only Marcus is left to halt Annika’s master plan. The fate of the world hinges on whether he can summon the courage to do the right thing, even if it means sacrificing his career and potentially his life in the process.

The world is screwed.

The Prettiest Little Antichrist is complete at 70,000 words. May I send you the manuscript? I’ve enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope for your reply.


Notes

Very nice. I didn't even want to interrupt it with my usual cracks.

It might be a bit long. I would rewrite the "accidents" paragraph as so:

Then a series of “accidents” start killing off the cast and crew. A renegade priest tells Marcus that Annika draws her power from the adoration of her fans; the popularity boost she’d receive from the movie’s release would render her unstoppable. Marcus realizes that the fate of the world hinges on whether he can summon the will to scrap his whole project, even if it means sacrificing his career.

That saves a couple lines, and from the previous paragraph you can delete: (only figuratively, at this point). Also, the SASE sentence can go.

The only remaining question is whether declaring that the book is an homage to a movie is a good idea. I wasn't bothered in this case, but people write novels set in the world of Star Wars or Dungeons and Dragons, and those are instant rejects with most editors. If the Omen references are so obvious it'll sound like you've ripped it off, I guess you have to mention it. If the main similarity is that there's a child antichrist, it's not important to bring it up. If you do keep it, you might consider adding it to your last paragraph, rather than putting it up front.

Since The Omen has its own grisly "accidents," I would hope your "accidents" are of the slapstick variety. You don't want your comedy to morph into the horror novel it's parodying.

Trivia: The Omen is also a book, by the same author as the screenplay (David Seltzer). The book came out first, but was actually a (not totally-faithful) adaptation of the screenplay.

Face-Lift 332

Guess the Plot

Ladies First

1. As the cruise ship goes down and the lifeboats are boarded, a misogynist assassin suddenly wonders if he still agrees with his lifelong motto.

2. The ladies of the garden club couldn't have cared less when the poor people of East Aurora started disappearing--until they suddenly found themselves without their gardeners and manicurists.

3. Nobody, no sirree nobody, ever said the words "Ladies first" like I did when I yanked Coldwater Kate in front of that bullet meant for me, Bootstrap Billy. Of course, things got pretty ugly after that.

4. All his life, Frank Morton has been a rude, boorish jerk. But when the hijackers on his flight home from Thailand start executing passengers to get their demands met, Frank suddenly remembers his manners.

5. Lt. Hastings has impeccable manners, but his insistence on 'Ladies First' will come back to haunt him when he orders his squad to clear the mine field. Can the Southern gentleman get his bars back?

6. Pamela Purse, intergalactic pirate fighter, insisted that her all-male crew put "ladies first." When her ship is boarded by man-eating Djoorin who plan to feast on the crew, they are only too happy to obey her rule.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Seven people have disappeared from their beds in East Aurora, and Monica, Effie, and Tabitha are appalled: the candlelight vigils interrupt their beauty sleep, the rallies outside the police station make them late for charity functions, and Effie's gardener (father to one of the missing) completely abandons her primroses. A week before she is to host the East Aurora Annual Garden Party, no less! [I know how she feels. Just last week my butler and sommelier gave notice just an hour before I was hosting a wine tasting. Fortunately, one of my guests was able to figure out how to operate a corkscrew, thus saving the day.]

The missing people -- blue-collar and low on East Aurora's long socioeconomic ladder -- don't have the sweet, photogenic faces the media adore, and the police aren't doing much more than shrugging and handing out missing person forms. None of this matters to Monica, Effie, and Tabitha, of course: as long as they have their manicurists, their club, and their Wednesday liquid luncheon -- a twenty-year tradition -- they will magnanimously overlook the myriad ways these missing people have inconvenienced them and made their lives virtually unbearable. Really, now; these people were poor. It's the least they can do. [I, too, would give up my luncheons and manicures and the club; just don't ask me to do without my weekly scalp massage with Jimmy.]

But then Tabitha's husband comes under investigation by a D.A. trying to change the news cycle, Effie's nail girl hotfoots it back to Taiwan, and a clue to the whereabouts of the seven missing people is placed in Monica's lap by her own perennially sleazy spouse. In response, the ladies do what they always do in the face of adversity: they try to pass the buck. No one pays attention to their anonymous letter to the police, however,

[Dear police:

Regarding the seven missing people: I have reason to believe my perennially sleazy spouse is responsible.

--Anonymous.]

and things begin looking dire. Tabitha's accounts are frozen and she's close to financial ruin, it seems that Monica may have married a kidnapper and murderer, and Effie's nail beds and side garden are disasters. It's time for these ladies, however reluctant, to solve this mystery themselves and get the heat off Tabitha's husband -- or those Wednesday lunches are history.

Ladies First is a 65,000-word satirical novel. With your permission, I would be thrilled to send you a partial manuscript.

Yours,


Notes

This was one of our better queries. Good job. I would drop this sentence from paragraph 2: Really, now; these people were poor. It makes the next sentence harder to understand. Besides, it's already been said.

I'm not sure I'd say they pass the buck. It's not clear that they ever had the buck. You could try dumping the middle of paragraph 3 and combining the front with the back, something like:

But then Tabitha's husband comes under investigation by the D.A., and her accounts are frozen. A clue to the whereabouts of the seven missing people is placed in Monica's lap by her husband, suggesting that he may be a kidnapper and murderer. And Effie's gardener and manicurist disappear, endangering both her rose beds and her nail beds. Now the ladies are left with no choice: they must solve the mystery themselves, or their Wednesday lunches will soon be history.

Clearly you've felt no need to hint at the reason these people are vanishing, or at a possible connection among the disappearances. Is it unimportant? You don't even refer to the book as a mystery. May we assume that the ladies see the light in the end? Or that their solution to the mystery is brilliant? If they merely stumble upon the solution, and remain self-absorbed, some will find it a less-than-rewarding read.

Face-Lift 266

Guess the Plot

Fluke

1. When llamas and zombie cows begin acting strangely, cultists, roaming ostriches, and rival biker gangs are suspected, until one woman exposes the true culprits: parasitic brain-worms from outer space!

2. Deep sea diver Phil Walters is on a mission to discover new forms of sea life. To this end he dives deeper than anyone before. Is the giant grinning worm a result of his low blood oxygen? Or is it . . . a fluke??

3. Bob Johnson's mom blabs the truth about his birth -- he exists because of a defective contraceptive -- and sends him into an episode of depression. Bob breaks up with his girlfriend, starts smoking weed, and changes his college major to philosophy, then art history, then microbiology. Can he find the meaning of life in a petri dish, thanks to . . . the fluke???

4. RIL had a pretty good run of winning continuations at EVIL EDITOR, but grizzled continuator Kate Thornton thinks it was a fluke. When she releases her latest editions she knows no work of RIL's will ever see the light of day again.

5. Aided by a homicidal jellyfish, Skipper the Dolphin plans to kidnap the high-flying goody-goody who hijacked his starring role in a new yet-to-be-named TV show about a crime fighting porpoise, forcing the producers to rehire him. Sure, flippers are cute, but if you want to be a star in this town, you gotta kick some fluke.

6. After Captain Ahab's death, what became of his son Fluke? The boy with flipper-like feet is determined to find the great white whale, to avenge his father's death, but Fluke also wants to win the gold in swimming at the upcoming Olympics. Will he find his way through the uncharted waters of his emotions?? And what of the man they call Ishmael???



Original Version

Dear Dream Agent,

Laura is used to picking up after the people in her life. When her charming, feckless husband dies, leaving her with a failing sheep farm and a 14-year old nephew, she sets out to sell the farm and get back to the familiar city. She expected rural life to be hard and boring. She didn't expect weird.

First, an unknown, addictive fruit appears in local orchards and her sheep develop a magnetic pull toward a nearby mountain. Her neighbours bring in ostriches, llamas and alpacas, who share the sheep's fascination with Mount Donald. [Actually, it's not Mount Donald the llamas are fascinated with, it's the sheep.] A farm patriarch finds a prophetic tablet and starts a millennial cult. Her nephew can't decide whether to join the cult (the patriarch's grand-daughter is pretty hot) or stay out all night with the astronomy club, looking for strange lights in the sky. An outbreak of cattle mutilations [I suspect the ostriches.] raises fears [Especially among the cattle.] and brings media attention. UFO-watching tourists wander into fields where the unofficial cash crop grows, annoying the local biker gang. [This list is way too long. You need to connect some ideas. Plus, when you throw it all into one paragraph it makes the book sound ridiculous rather than comical.]

With every turn, Laura finds herself more enmeshed in the small-town life she meant to escape. Her veterinarian friend Jan and distractingly-rugged biologist Mike involve her in uncovering the source of the uproar. Cultists? Bored teenagers? UFO aliens? Rival biker gangs? Roaming ostriches? Or parasitical brain-worms from outer space? [Let's limit our lists to three items.] Laura thinks she's found the answer (or gone crazy), but now the sheep and llamas have broken down the fences, and reanimated cattle stagger out of their bulldozed grave. They're heading for Mount Donald, [New title suggestion: Close Encounters of the Herd Kind] along with the cult members, the astronomy club, the tourists, the bikers and the lights in the sky. Laura must race her old pickup truck against a spaceship to reach Colin and her friends [Colin and her friends? Who's Colin?] before they hitch a ride with strange aliens.

Fluke is a 60,000 word comic sf novel. I have attended (genre writing workshop), was a finalist in (gimmicky writing contest) and have a story in (new e-zine). Thank you for your time and consideration.

yours,

[EE--the title 'Fluke' refers to the alien brain-worms, who are, yes, what's behind it all. The ostriches have their own agenda.]


Revised Version

Dear Dream Agent,

Sheep farmer Laura Davis expected rural life to be hard and boring; she didn't expect it to be bizarre. So when all the animals in the area develop a magnetic pull toward Mount Donald, and Laura's nephew, Colin, considers joining a new cult, and an outbreak of cattle mutilations brings the media to town, Laura decides it's time to sell the farm and move back to Liverpool.

But soon Laura finds herself more enmeshed than ever in the small-town life she wants to escape. Her veterinarian friend Jan and distractingly-rugged biologist Mike involve her in uncovering the source of the weirdness. Is it the cultists? Bored teenagers? Roaming ostriches?

Everyone's a suspect, until Laura uncovers the true culprits:
Parasitic Brain-Worms from Outer Space!
But it may be too late! The sheep and llamas have broken down the fences, and reanimated cattle have staggered out of their bulldozed grave. They're all heading for Mount Donald, along with the cult members, the astronomy club, and local biker gangs. Can Laura's old pickup truck reach Colin before he hitches a ride with space aliens?

Fluke is a 60,000-word comic sf novel that may sound like Close Encounters, but did Close Encounters have zombie cows? Did it have llamas? Did it have . . .
Parasitic Brain-Worms from Outer Space?
No. So there.

I have attended (genre writing workshop), was a finalist in (gimmicky writing contest) and have a story in (new e-zine). Thank you for your time and consideration.

yours,


Notes

Even if you leave out the lights in the sky and everyone being drawn to the mountain, and the pick-up truck/spaceship scene, they're in the book, and some will say it's derivative of . . . that movie. Unless it's intended to be a satire of the movie, perhaps there should be a different strange occurrence, something totally un-derivative, like all the animals have developed an insatiable appetite for human brains.

Not sure why it begins: Laura is used to picking up after the people in her life. It may be true, but the query doesn't make it clear what that means. Also, it sounds like the opening line of a query for a more serious book.

Parasitic Brain-Worms from Outer Space is a much better title than Fluke.

Face-Lift 255

Guess the Plot

Eight Cockroaches, Three Fat Frogs and a Homosexual Duck

1. Donald Cox is the only restaurant inspector in a city of three million. But when an Icelandic restaurateur moves to town and a shocking theft from the City Aquarium takes place, Donald will need all the help he can get.

2. A gay talking duck enlists the aid of some roaches and frogs to gain revenge against the master of the Spanish fleet, who ate his lover.

3. The American electoral process is a brutal one. What kind of candidate has the tenacity to survive long enough even to contest the primaries? 'Eight Cockroaches, Three Fat Frogs and a Homosexual Duck' explores this and other timely topics in American politics.

4. Literary agents are an eclectic, unpredictable bunch. Who knows what makes them tick? Find out more about who they are and what they do in this examination of a representative cross-section of the industry.

5. The untold story of the O.J. verdict. This eye-opening documentary novel dispels all the urban legends and tells it like it is. The key to the not-guilty verdict: the diverse makeup of the jury.

6. Minions come and go, but there are an even dozen of them that have been there for us all along. In "Eight Cockroaches, Three Fat Frogs and a Homosexual Duck", read about the unique chemistry in this tight-knit group that led to the success of the EE website. Also, some bad query letters.


Original Version

Dear EE

Eight Cockroaches, Three Fat Frogs, and a Homosexual Duck is, of course, about pirates in the Caribbean. Captain Quiggly is your typical sot of a pirate with an eye patch, a three cornered hat, and a cat on his shoulder (he used to have a parrot but this thing ate it). He also has a very bad reputation, no money, a leaky ship, and an ugly girlfriend, so it’s no surprise that he cannot find a crew to take on the Spanish treasure fleet.

That is, until he turns to a new source, animals who can talk. So the cockroaches are in it for the money, the frogs (who are English) are in it for the adventure, and the homosexual duck who wants revenge on the Master of the Fleet, Baron Fredericko Consweala Dominicus Carlos Augustin Juan Gustavus Enrico Chavo (you get the idea) Evil Badguy d’ la Cliché, who ate Duck’s partner a’la Orange (the duck was roasted, that was his name). Quiggley is one of the few people to know animals can talk.

Quiggly doesn’t mind the greedy cockroaches and you can get used to the pip-pip enthusiasm of the frogs, but Quiggly hates homosexual ducks. This causes some tension as Quiggley and crew try to get the information of exactly where the treasure fleet will be and then to get their pirate vessel into place for the ambush.

The most serious problem is when Quiggley is captured by ferocious natives. They tie him up and are about to cut off his manhood when Duck comes in and offers his drakehood if the natives let Quiggly go. Surprised by this gesture – and a talking Duck – the natives agree. On the way back to the ship, Duck explains that drakes have two of those, and that one was always for his partner. Since a’la Orange is dead, Duck doesn’t need it any more. He says it’s no big deal but Quiggly thinks it is.

Finally they are in place, the creak ship opens sails and moves broadside against the power of the Galleons of the treasure fleet. The Spanish respond, readying their hundreds of heavy guns. Quiggly’s crew act, too. The cockroaches have bred and with a cry of, ‘Do it for mommy,’ they fly into the eyes and ears and down (and up) the pants of the Spanish sailors. The ships are hard to control when that happens. The frogs head off, hopping from cannon to cannon putting their disgusting clime all over the cannons’ wicks, making it impossible to fire them.

And then comes Duck. With cockroaches in their eyes and ears the Spanish sailors stagger blindly, often close to the rail. It is then that a fighting mad Duck slams into them and knocks them into the water. As he flies he screams for the Baron to face him. The Baron draws his sword, amazed the duck can talk. But the Duck will have none of it.

‘You ate my lover,’ he says. The Baron is amazed and wonders if the duck could talk why didn't he say anything? The Baron would be a vegetarian if he knew animals could talk. But it's too late for such things and the Baron is knocked overboard by a hurtling duck into the shark infested waters below.

Quiqgley looks down and muses that he didn’t know Duck could speak shark. Duck points out that the sharks speak duck, which is more logical when you think about it. Quiggly and his ugly girlfriend split the treasure with their partners, then they offer Duck a ride with them to England, where they can all settle because in England they know why the chicken crossed the road – to walk on the wild side, it was really a rooster.

At 90,000 words, Eight Cockroaches, Three Fat Frogs and a Homosexual Duck is a complete standalone novel, a dark, moody, pirate noír, parallel to the zombie noír you pioneered. I enclose a full synopsis. May I send you the full manuscript [That was the full manuscript.] or a partial?

My previous credits include several books including a novel and a novelization. I have also squashed cockroaches, thought frogs disgusting, and eaten duck. If you take on representation, could you get a large advance? I’ve hired Mel Gibson to play Quiggly, Cameron Diaz to be his ugly girlfriend, George Clooney as the homosexual duck named Duck, and Matt Damon and Liv Tyler to play all the cockroaches and these people want to be paid.

signed


Notes

I gotta start reading the queries when they come in instead of waiting until it's time to write them up. By then I've received a bunch of Guess the Plots, and it wouldn't be fair to the Plotters to dump the whole thing.

Presumably the point of submitting a fake query is to entertain the minions, as you get no personal recognition. Except, the minions seem to be sufficiently entertained by the real queries, more so, I suspect, than they will be by this one. Or maybe it's to be able to say, Nyah, nyah, EE, you spent eight hours critiquing a query for a book that doesn't exist. Except, I didn't spend any time on the other fakes, 245 and 134, so it was unlikely I'd do so with this one.

A better idea would be to write an actual book in which a pirate crew consisting entirely of parrots attacks the Spanish Armada. The captain is a giant parrot with a hook, a pegleg, and a midget on his shoulder. Consider this your penance. Once you finish a few chapters, submit the opening, and when you finish the book, submit a real query. I think you'll find the process more rewarding than this.

Face-Lift 239

Guess the Plot

Snake & Freaky John Kick Ass

1. After many close calls and hare-brained escapades as they ride the rails from Boston to Los Angeles, Snake and Freaky John win the National Hobo Poetry contest.

2. Snake and Freaky John are cowboys lost in Death Valley with a bag of gold and one surviving steed: Harold, the talking donkey. Can these three amigos read the map and make it to Reno?

3. Snake & Freaky John Kick Ass . . . at preaching the Gospel! Follow the adventures of Preacher "Freaky John" James and the snake from the Garden of Eden in this collection of updated Bible stories for a new generation.

4. Snake and Freaky John, tech-geeky high school seniors, use their science project time machine to go into the future to steal exam papers, selling the questions to cashed-up students while rote learning the best answers. They graduate top of the class, with enough cash to spend on the wildest post-exam party anyone has ever seen.

5. Snake works in the butterfly-raising business, and Freaky John is trying to get into law school. Together these pot-smoking hippies from Hoboken team up to take on a ring of Manhattan art thieves.

6. Snake is an all time loser who gets nothing but contempt from those around him. Freaky John claims he lost his left leg in a shark attack in Buffalo. A mad struggle for superiority ensues when they both sign up for the National Ass Kicking Championships.


Original Version

Dear Prospective Literary Agent:

Snake Rivers and Jonathan "Freaky John" Frekenberg are two guys in their mid-thirties who smoke an awful lot of pot. [The name Freaky John Frekenberg is suspiciously close to Fat Freddy Freekowtski, one of the pot-smoking Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers from the underground comics.] Snake lives with his brother, helping out with the family butterfly business in lieu of rent,

[Brother: Rent's due, Snake.
Snake: I'm a little short.
Brother: Again? Okay, how about misting the chrysalises.
Snake: Is that what those were? I ate 'em all. Munchies.]

and Freaky John has spent the last several years trying to get his act together and go back to law school.

[Admissions Officer: We expelled you from law school because you were were constantly high and never showed up for class. Now you stand before me with a plastic bag of marijuana hanging out of your pocket, reeking of smoke, bloodshot eyes--
Freaky John: Excuse me, are you gonna eat that last doughnut?]

They've been friends since kindergarten and still reside in the same neighborhood where they grew up. Freak's neighbor, Margaret Milton, is the assistant director of a prominent gallery in Manhattan, and while they're all good friends, [Nothing improves your standing in the fine art community like maintaining friendships with a couple unemployed stoners.] Margaret has a secret or two up her sleeve.

One night, Snake and Freaky John are kicking back and smoking when they see Margaret on the news. It turns out she's been framed for an art theft at the gallery where she works, and she's lost her job.

[Katie Couric: Turning to national news, Margaret Milton has lost her job in a small Manhattan art gallery.
Viewer: Is it just me, or has the evening news lost its edge since Katie took over as anchor?]

In the course of trying to help her restore her good name and find new employment, the guys find themselves drinking poisoned wine, [I'm happy to do whatever it takes to help a friend find a job, within reason, but drinking poison is asking a bit much.] confronting ex-girlfriends, resisting a cartoonist's attempt at brainwashing, being doused with a fire extinguisher and getting into a screaming match with a psychotic art dealer. Meanwhile, the elderly neighbor Freak cares for is quickly deteriorating into senility, and Snake's supposed to help Margaret get a new job — which would be easier if [he hadn't been poisoned and] Margaret weren't disappearing at odd hours for meetings with a certain undisclosed someone. To top it all off, there are seven crates of stolen "watches" hidden away in the garage at Snake's brother's butterfly farm. [I don't care about the "watches." If you're going to "top it all off," top it off with hot fudge and a cherry, not a piece of melba toast.] Sure, everything's going to hell in a handbasket, but that's the natural state of the universe, man, and Snake and Freaky John are here to kick some ass and save the day.

As you've probably guessed, I'm seeking representation for Snake & Freaky John Kick Ass, a 75,000-word comedic novel set in Manhattan and Hoboken, New Jersey. Enclosed are a one-page synopsis of the manuscript and the first four chapters for your review, as well as a SASE. [Your query letter is longer than your synopsis. Whether it's longer than your first four chapters remains to be seen.]

The characters were developed in a series of flash fictions written over the last two and a half years [Two and a half years? I'm not sure you've grasped the concept of "flash" fiction.] during the course of my previous writing project. Afterward, I liked Snake and Freaky John so much that they got their own novel. [You're aware that they aren't real people, right? Just checking.] As mentioned above, the book's plot involves Snake and Freak [Yes, I believe that's been made clear.] and their involvement in the lives of all the people they care about: family, friends and neighbors alike. When they find out Margaret's in trouble, the guys do their best to help. [Rehashing what's been said previously doesn't help the cause.] On realizing that elderly Mr. Hersch may have Alzheimer's, they try to help him keep his life on track. When Mr. Hersch's daughter reveals her husband's infidelity, they're on hand with caring advice. Snake and Freaky John aren't always effectual (or even coherent), but they give a shit, and that's more than you can say for most people.

While there is (considerable) drug use [by the characters, and especially by the author,] and drug humor, this is not Cheech & Chong. [For it also has drug pathos.] [Suddenly "Cheech" and "Chong" sound like normal names.] Snake and Freaky John live in a world where there are real-life responsibilities and consequences for their actions. They have a lot of fun, but life doesn't always turn out in a satisfactory way. In fact, sometimes life just sucks. Still, with good friends and the right attitude, Snake and Freaky John manage to come out on top. [You're rambling. Go eat a chocolate cake and a bag of corn chips.] Maybe they're not the kind of people you'd want to meet in a dark alley, but they're absolutely the kind of friends you'd want to watch your back.

I look forward to your response.


Notes

If there's anything in the last two long paragraphs you feel must be in the query, work it into the earlier paragraphs. Most of it is repetitive or boring or unimportant in the big picture.

A minor character who's always high can add comic relief, but when it's your main characters, I fear it will become tiresome to many readers. I could be wrong, of course.

Face-Lift 166

Guess the Plot

The Disappearance of Abe Lincoln: And the Misadventures of a Guy With a Mustache and a Chick With an Eye Patch

1. Exhausted from writing out the title to his novel, a writer collapses on the keyboard.

2. Abe Lincoln is kidnapped by two oddball characters, taken to Manitoba, and held for ransom. Too much ransom, apparently, as no one is willing to pay, and negotiations drag on for years, until Abe grows so enamored of his captors he doesn't want to be rescued.

3. Pirates Ann Bonney and Captain Kidd sail through the Bermuda Triangle and into the present day Potomac Basin to hold the nation's most cherished public monuments for ransom.

4. As mustachioed Martin attempts to stuff a five-dollar bill into the g-string of a stripper with an eye patch, a gust of wind blows the bill away. To make a long story short, Martin and the stripper wed and have four children.

5. Before launching his career in politics, Abe Lincoln tries his hand at piracy. However, the ship's captain sends Abe back, after he shares his honest opinion on her wardrobe.

6. Wizardo the Magician and his assistant, Pirate Wench Sally, could make anyone disappear. Booked at a charity gig with a Senator from Illinois with an annoying habit of telling the truth, even to a magician's fans, it was time for this Lincoln guy to disappear - for good.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

I am seeking publication for my novel, The Disappearance of Abe Lincoln: And the Misadventures of a Guy With a Mustache and a Chick With an Eye Patch, complete at 92,128 words and 460,569 characters. [And that's just the title.] (Yes, I counted them all by hand. My cat Flannery O’Connor helped, of course.)

I adore ninjas, bunnies, and zombies – So it really is too bad that none of those made it into my novel. It does, however, contain a kidnapping and a road trip. I guess those are cool too, especially if it is the kidnapping of former president Abe Lincoln. Unfortunately, former president Abraham Lincoln was murdered and is dead, so it’s the kidnapping of a different Abe Lincoln, which is not quite as awesome, though still mildly arresting.

Abe Lincoln is an experienced ninja for hire with a murky past and noble connections… oh wait, I forgot that there aren’t any ninjas in this novel. Sorry. Abe Lincoln is a 10th grade history teacher in a small midwestern town. [I'm pleased to see you're finally talking about what is in your book, rather than what isn't; unfortunately, you're doing so after the reader has moved on to the next query letter.] He has grown accustomed to his famous moniker, even if others haven’t. His parents, he realized at a young age, did not have a great sense of humor, and they were also acid tripping hippies, which certainly played a part in his naming. Abe is 24 years old and a magnificent, but eccentric educator, naturally, a student favorite. His students, then, are especially sad when a guy with a mustache and a chick with an eye patch and an undistinguishable accent kidnap Abe in the darkness of night. [How do the students know what happened?] They stuff Abe in the trunk of their white 2001 Ford Taurus and drive north, across the border, into the remote areas of southern Manitoba. [I've never crossed the border into Manitoba. I take it they don't check your trunk to make sure you aren't smuggling in heroin or a kidnaped guy? Even if they check only suspicious characters, a woman with an eye patch is likely to be at the top of the list.] Along the way they meet a bizarre cavalcade of strange characters, including a three-legged wolf, a mannequin fisherman, [Unclear whether that's a mannequin dressed in fisherman's garb, or a fisherman who tries to hook mannequins.] a Royal Canadian Mountie with a penchant for puns, [What was the name of the snake that went into law enforcement? Mountie Python.] [Describe Dudley Do-Right after he finishes his dinner: The Full Mounty.] palindromes, [Lincoln meets McEntire: Abe Reba] and candy necklaces, a family of traveling evangelicals, and many, many others. After relaying demands to Abe’s family via email, the kidnappers soon realize that his parents are not willing to pay a large ransom for Abe, thus the bargaining begins. It will go on for over two years, and Abe, meanwhile, becomes infatuated with his kidnappers and begins to hope he is never rescued.

I am 23 years old and started writing [this query letter] about seven months ago. I would have gotten started with my writing career sooner, but my obsessive nature constantly distracted me. It all started when; at about age six, I became obsessed with pancakes, flapjacks if you will. I ate at least 35 per day, and threw temper tantrums if my parents refuse to make them for me. Pancakes on the mind, day and night, do you know what that is like? [Not first-hand, but it sounds extremely boring.] Needless to say I could not function in school, and therefore did not go. Eventually, after years of therapy and hypnotists, I finally was able to let go of pancakes. I was thirteen. On my fourteenth birthday I read my first Flannery O’Connor short story. I was hooked immediately. I consumed as many of her stories as I could. Literally consumed, once I finished reading each story collection or novella, I wept for about an hour, and then ate the book, pages, cover and all. Luckily, Flannery passed at a young age, God rest her soul, so I eventually ran out of books to eat and the obsession slowly dwindled to a slightly unhealthy fixation. By this time I was seventeen and had just completed grade school. I was grossly behind. That is why I did not learn to written thingys gooder until I am 23 and having later starting on writing. [This is why it's best to let Evil Editor do the comedy, people.]

I have shown my novel to some respected authors and have received the following great reviews:

Brett Easton Ellis: “Get the hell away from me!”

John Updike: “Who are you, and why are you following me around?”

Stephen King: “I’m calling the cops.”

Dr. Seuss: “I do not like you sir. No, I do not like you now or then, I do not like you any when.”

If you are interested in reading my novel, and possibly publishing me, please let me know at your earliest convenience. Thank you kindly for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

Assuming this book exists, the title and plot are enough to demonstrate that it's humor. There's no point in driving home the point with fake reviews, a lengthy fake bio, and a list of what isn't in the book. Personally, I found the plot description more amusing than the other stuff anyway.

If you want a businessperson to spend thousands of dollars publishing your book, it's best to talk about your book, and to do so as if you are a businessperson. You can perform your comedy act later, when you meet your editor at IHOP. (Though I don't recommend it, not without better material.)

Face-Lift 21

Guess the Plot

Anna and the Whale

1. After the disappearance of her husband Jonah, Anna is determined to explore every clue. But when she finally finds him, will acid reflux lead to tragedy?

2. History repeats itself. So does the bible. When Anna finds herself trapped in the belly of a sperm whale, will love find a way... out?

3. Morbidly obese Dan falls for beautiful Anna, not realizing she's a call girl Dan's boss hired. Now Dan, having accepted his "payoff" is expected to keep silent about the boss's numerous affairs.

4. Fifteen-year-old runaway, Anna Banana, takes up with Lester "The Whale" Brown, a 25 year-old mostly unsuccessful grifter who promises to make Anna a star.

5. After being dismissed from the court of Siam for excessive prudishness, Anna is sailing home to England. Her life changes when she spots a man adrift off the starboard bow who says his name is Ishmael.

6. Anna just couldn't help herself - she loved him. Sure he was overweight, and at 700 pounds could not get off the couch without the use of a crane. But there was just something about Shamu that she couldn't resist.


Original Version

Note: The author neglected to provide a title for the book in this query letter, so Evil Editor was forced to make one up.

Hello Evil Editor,

I probably shouldn't email here, but sod it. No doubt what I'm about to write will get posted ASAP as a prime example of how to really screw up a submission. Quite frankly I couldn't less. I am only sending this to you as my ex-girlfriend is making me... and yes, I did say ex. The crux of the matter is she that thinks what I write is profound and needs to be seen, whereas I write to fill my time and consider my “work” not much more than an overblown and frankly worthless etude. [So far, Evil Editor is on your side in this.] My ambitions are not to be published, I just want a quiet life and as means to an end I send you this turgid trash for the vindicating rejection letter. As I said: I couldn't care less. And if you're wondering how I came to be here when I've already twice stated I couldn't care less and am thus sounding a little bit hypocritical, [And repetitive.] my ex found the site... women. [and no, it's not a hook, or a handle, or bad ploy, some of us do actually speak the truth, albeit factiously.] [Surprisingly, despite having done nothing right so far, you have Evil Editor's rapt attention. But do you have a book?]

Well here goes, I'll try to summarise my dire tome. It goes without saying that I've never been published. Never even tried to be published. It's a first person tale told through the eyes of Dan and stretches to about 114,000 words. It's a bit James Joyce meets Jerry Seinfeld meets Bill Hicks. It's a vitriolic rant about nothing, [Your book? Or your query letter?] a book about life. There's a plot hidden there somewhere too, but damned if I know how extrapolate it in three paragraphs. [No doubt there's a title hidden there as well, though having scanned the entire letter, I'll be damned if I can extrapolate that.]

Dan is fat. Actually, Dan surpassed being a long time, he now lingers in the lonely world of the morbidly obese. Stuck eight till late in the basement of the faceless London bank, Dan works tirelessly on his computers whilst describing and lamenting the world which he feels owes him. His nemesis Robert Jenkins-Parker, fiancée to the boss's daughter, is a cretinous wretch whose only prerequisite qualification is nepotism. In return for Dan keeping his fat mouth shut about numerous illicit affairs he has eye witnessed, Dan is sent on a date with beautiful beau Anna. She is the first woman not to scorn him and she quickly becomes an all consuming obsession. However, when Dan discovers that he's been deceived Anna is nothing more than a call girl has hired to placate him his life falls apart and he's determined to take as many people with him.

Spiralling out of control, Dan faces Robert's wrath after confessing his secret. He's forced to run away into the rainy English country, and this is where the story actually begins, [And possibly where the query letter should begin.] where becomes the victim of a hit and run. Lying in his hospital a repenetant woman comes to see him. Confessing to drink driving, she offers Dan one favour in return for his silence... again. He sees no harm in asking, so he asks to made thin, so he can win his obsession, the nubile Anna.

Well, it's thin, but it has a murder at the end.... fuck it, it's complicated. If you want to read it, then read it, if not then don't... I send those usual first 2 chapters for a quick once over (barbecue) and hope that my venous text will bring laughter to countless EvilEditor readers. [Evil Editor suspects that your hopes will be realized.]

Thanks for the automated reply telling me I suck...


Revised Version

Hello Evil Editor,

No doubt what I'm about to write will get passed around the office as a prime example of how to screw up a submission. I'm only doing this because my ex-girlfriend is making me. She thinks what I write is profound and needs to be seen. Whereas, I consider my “work” not much more than an overblown and frankly worthless étude; I send you this turgid trash only for the vindicating rejection letter.

Dan is fat. Actually, Dan surpassed fat long ago; he now lingers in the lonely world of the morbidly obese. Stuck in the basement of a faceless London bank, Dan works tirelessly on his computers whilst decrying the world, which he feels owes him. His nemesis, Robert Jenkins-Parker, fiancé to the boss's daughter, is a cretinous wretch whose only qualification is nepotism.

In return for keeping his fat mouth shut about numerous illicit affairs he has witnessed, Dan is sent on a date with beautiful Anna. She is the first woman not to scorn him, and she quickly becomes an all-consuming obsession. However, when Dan discovers that he's been deceived, that Anna is no more than a call girl Robert hired to placate him, his life goes to hell. And he's determined to take with him as many people as he can.

Anna and the Whale is a first-person tale, told through the eyes of Dan, that stretches to about 114,000 words. It's a bit James Joyce meets Jerry Seinfeld meets Bill Hicks, a vitriolic rant about nothing. Two chapters are enclosed; if you'd like to read Dan's complete story, I'll put a copy in the mail. Thanks.


Notes

He asks to be made thin? Does he believe she has magical powers? Does she? If the book has fantastical aspects, that should be made clear in the letter.

Why is it that whenever Evil Editor gets a query letter that is preposterously bad, he finds himself wanting to take a look at the book? The writer has, despite the missing words, misused words, and misspelled words, an impressively vivid vocabulary. One suspects that the take-no-prisoners, straightforward style of the letter is an indication of what's in the book. Evil Editor even left some of the first paragraph intact, knowing that the very few editors who can get past that are the only ones who would look at this book anyway (though if you want the manuscript requested, you might consider entirely deleting that paragraph.)

Let's be reasonable. No editor would request the book based on the original query. And if an editor reads the revised version, requests the manuscript, and finds it in the same condition as the original version, he's not going to care how good the story is (and it does sound kind of cool). Editors aren't so hard up for books that they'll slog through an error-riddled rough draft.

Evil Editor suspects there's a spark hidden in there, something your ex-girlfriend spotted, so you're not getting the automated reply. Nyaah, nyaah. You're getting a suggestion that you spend a few months editing your novel to see what you come up with. Unless, of course, you don't care.

Face-Lift 18

dear Evil Editor... don't know if it matters to you, but I'm writing all the way from Australia, and my query letter is generally (though not exclusively) going to Australian editors and agents.

[This makes no difference, except that when an editor balls up your manuscript pages and flushes them, they'll circle in the opposite direction.]

[Stop, minions. Evil Editor is well aware that the Coriolis effect does not impose its will upon toilets, that this is a myth; there's no need to write in, demanding a retraction. And there's certainly no need to write in now, declaring that you've witnessed the phenomenon, unless you are also claiming that your toilet is 200 miles wide.]

Guess the Plot

Formaldehyde

1. Deep in the Ozarks, an illiterate teenager decides that "Formaldehyde" would be an impressive name for her baby boy. The consequences reverberate down the ages, as little Formy grows up into a serial killer who learns to pickle his victims in order to prolong his perverse enjoyment.

2. In this heart-wrenching memoir, Ted Parker chronicles a gutsy life behind the scenes in the pathology department of a major hospital. But has it all been worth the sacrifice of friends, family and his sense of smell?

3. This latest cookbook in the Food Preservation for the Millennia Series documents the most extreme methods. Cook and pathologist Mercy Huggins describes ways to keep that milk long after the date on the carton.

4. Helena Ruben has found the Fountain of Youth. But will her cosmetics empire, Eternally Young, crash down in ruins when her secret ingredient is revealed?

5. Luke promised his mother he would “rescue” his sister from her chosen life as a stripper/call girl. But when a man wearing a 3,000-dollar suit and missing the pinky on his left hand presses a knife against his gut, he realizes he's in over his head.

6. Searching for the father he never knew, Paul makes a startling discovery: his mother inexplicably became pregnant with her lesbian lover, and Paul's father is a woman.


Original Version

Benjamin lost her arm in a traffic accident [Her arm? Benjamin? Sounds like Benny-boy lost something a little more precious than an arm.] 22 years ago and hasn't aged a day since. Maybe it's because of the arm transplant she received— [Oh! I know! I know! It was a transplant from a vampire! Right?] a transplant that fills her dreams with maddeningly familiar stories about its former owner— [Which was who? I must know, was it a vampire? I was thinking it was just from an immortal guy, but they usually only transplant stuff from dead people, so it couldn't be an immortal guy.] [Well, I guess it could be an immortal guy who had an arm cut off, and they decided to put the arm on Benjamin instead of putting it back on the immortal guy. . . Or it could be a vampire.] or maybe it's just sheer good luck. Thanks to her missing arm [Missing arm? What about the transplant?] and an allergy to ink, [but mostly her missing arm,] Benjamin draws a disability pension at Social Security, where she meets Paul, a dot-commer of uncertain qualifications [What are the qualifications for being a dot-commer?] who has just been declared dead by the government. He needs answers; she needs someone cute to help fill in the time. When it turns out that Paul isn't related to his father (who sounds suspiciously like the nurse who cared for—and fell for—Benjamin after her accident) [You're lying in a hospital bed, morphine pumping through your system. Your left arm, having been severed from your body at the shoulder by a flying hubcap, is sitting on a table on the other side of the room. And your nurse has nothing better to do than hit on you?] and that his mother may have inexplicably become pregnant [Pregnant now? Or pregnant with Paul?] by her lesbian lover, [Whoa. They've examined all the possibilities, and this is the one they're going with?] Paul is just about ready to declare himself dead. That is, until he meets Benjamin's downstairs neighbour, a European émigré with an implausible accent [Not sure "implausible" is the best word there, though Evil Editor must admit the word has crossed his mind a few times in the past few minutes.] and a lopsided wig who has been reading Russian literature into Benjamin's heating ducts for the past 22 years. [Aha! It wasn't the new arm that made her immortal; it was the Pushkin.] What is his connection to Paul and Benjamin? And why does it seem like everyone is reading Dostoyevsky's 'The Idiot'? [Actually, Evil Editor does feel kind of like he's reading The Idiot.]

I am seeking representation for my popular fiction novel [Popular fiction? This isn't satire? Or science fiction? Or farce? Or comic opera? This is mainstream fiction?] 'Formaldehyde', complete at 54 600 words. If you are interested in seeing more I would love to send you my manuscript. The manuscript has been professionally assessed and I can also provide a review from that process. [How much does a good professional assessor make, down under?]

I have been working as a professional writer since 1991. Eight of those years were spent travelling and writing about travel—'Formaldehyde' was written during the four years I lived in San Francisco. [San Francisco? That explains at least some of this.] My travel literature has been published by Lonely Planet Publications, for whom I have also written guide books and web copy. I have had short fiction published in an Australian anthology, 'Normal Service Will Resume'. After stints in Prague and Phnom Penh I now live in Melbourne, where I work as a writer for a parenting website.

Thank you for considering my novel.

Revised Version

Margaret Benjamin lost her arm in a traffic accident 22 years ago, and hasn't aged a day since. Thanks to her missing arm, she draws a disability pension at Social Security, where she meets Paul, a dot-commer who has just been declared dead by the government. He needs answers; she needs someone cute to help fill the time. When Paul discovers that he isn't related to his father, and that his real father may inexplicably be his mother's lesbian lover, he's just about ready to declare himself dead. That is, until he meets Margaret's downstairs neighbour, a European émigré with a dubious accent and a lopsided wig, who has been reading Russian literature into Margaret's heating ducts for the past 22 years. What is his connection to Paul and Margaret? And why is everyone reading Dostoyevsky's The Idiot?

I am seeking representation for my satirical farce, Formaldehyde, complete at 54,600 words. My travel literature has been published by Lonely Planet Publications, for whom I have also written guide books and web copy. Formaldehyde was written during the four years I lived in San Francisco. After later stints in Prague and Phnom Penh, I now live in Melbourne, where I work as a writer for a parenting website.

Thank you for considering my novel.

Notes

Soc. Sec. guy: Turns out you aren't related to your father.
Paul: So who is my father?
Soc. Sec. guy: Her name is . . .

The reason they don't do too many arm transplants is because if you look like Shaquille O'Neal, and you need a new arm, sometimes the only cadaver with the same blood type looks like Sasha Cohen.

No doubt there's a humorous explanation for why she's named Benjamin. I'd change it. It's distracting. If she's Benjamin, maybe he should be Pauline.

If you've written a brilliant, satirical farce, you need to make this clear somehow. Editors get plenty of serious queries that sound as insane as this one. The guy reading into the heating duct is intriguing, and the right editor might decide to take a look. But Evil Editor suspects that far more editors will be passing it around the office for a laugh.