Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Guess the Plot
Love Ya Mouse
1. Improve your computer's performance through romance! This handy manual will show you how to smooch your monitor, seduce your motherboard, and of course . . . love ya mouse.
2. In a Disney World restaurant Dave witnesses a customer's complaint that the chicken hasn't appeared, by which he means Donald Duck isn't on the scene. Realizing something should be done about ignorant and obnoxious theme park patrons, Dave complains to Mickey Mouse. But Mickey just calls him a butthead.
3. In Cleveland, a single mom is raising twin daughters. One night a mouse dressed up as a king demands one of the daughters as a bride, claiming both girls will die if he is refused. So the mom gives him the "bad" sister. After a week he brings her back and demands the other. So the mom gives him the "good" sister. After a week he brings her back and demands the mom. So the mom goes with him and turns into a mouse, and they live happily ever after in an amazingly well-furnished little burrow in the backyard — until a cat in a cape takes over the 'hood.
4. Fuzz, a pacifist cat, protects a group of mice from other felines. Along the way his heart is stolen by the gorgeous mouse Clarissa Cheese. But when Clarissa betrays him to the cat mafia for three pounds of cheddar, can Fuzz shed his pacifist beliefs and get his revenge?
5. Brenda is skeptical when her new dating service sends pictures of a rodent, but desperate people must do desperate things, so she meets the mouse, and is delighted to discover he writes screenplays and has his own tiny penthouse with deluxe exercise wheel and a lifetime supply of nourishing seeds.
6. Somebody dropped a safe on Jerry's tiny little head and Tom wants to know who. Can Kojak crack the case in time to save Wile E. Coyote from the same fate? Who Loves Ya Mouse?
Mild-mannered Dave Jevik had taken his family to Disney once before but it hadn’t been like this. He hated run-ins with pushy Disneyphiles like Nancy and Vinnie Zandanel, who eat the meek for lunch in Orlando. It isn’t long, however, before Dave sees how different life is on the other side of the decorum tracks. He watches and learns as Nancy works the system and plans military-style incursions designed to maximize efficiency in the parks. He cringes yet celebrates as she skillfully punishes line cutters and obnoxious children while overcoming obstacles like stroller people, oversized support teams for wheel chair guests, scooter maniacs and worst of all, helicopter parents. [If Dave is here with his family, why aren't they complaining about him following Nancy around? Even if he's alone, at the prices of tickets, would he really just watch another customer for tips on efficiently seeing the attractions?]
Dave learns that there is a right way and a wrong way to make it work, as evidenced by a customer tantrum he watches in a Disney restaurant:
“So where is he? Where’s the goddamned chicken?”
“What chicken, sir?”
“You know damn well what chicken! White feathers, big yellow beak, talks funny. My five-year old is screaming for his ass. When’s he coming out?”
“Do you mean Donald?”
“How the hell should I know his name? I’m a grown man!”
“Donald doesn’t appear in this restaurant, sir.”
“What? A hundred bucks for dinner and we don’t get to see the goddamn chicken?”
“Sir, Donald is a duck, not a chicken.” [Amusing dialogue, but it doesn't effectively make the point you claimed it does, and an excerpt isn't needed in a query letter.]
The story isn’t without intrigue, even if it is a flimsy, transparent plot device that’s clearly there only to give the protagonists a chance to shine. Dave and Vinnie bumble behind the scenes as they work to expose the seamy truth about a fraudulent lawsuit based back home in Indiana. Along the way they literally go underground where they encounter Mickey (who calls Dave “Butthead”), and Cinderella (who is cussing out a coworker while puffing on a cigarette) before witnessing an arm-wrestling match between Pinocchio and Aladdin. [It may be a flimsy, transparent plot device, but if exposing the fraudulent lawsuit is Dave's reason for being here, it's the only plot you've got. So fill us in on the lawsuit.]
If you don’t mind some political incorrectness and some good-natured bashing of Disney and its devotees (I’m one), you might enjoy this story for the laughs even if a satire about the most powerful entertainment force in America is a horrible and unmarketable idea. Parents who have visited Disney World will devour the accuracy and detail and will relish the discussions on the rule breakers that they’ve all come across.
The last time I visited Disney I knew I had to write this. “Love Ya Mouse” is a 60,000 word satire for the Disney fanatics who didn’t drink the Kool-aid. Please let me know if you’d like to take a look.
It's good that you recognize that the Mouse will have you killed if you publish this, just as I will be killed for posting the photograph to the right (They didn't mind selling me the overpriced ears, as long as I lock them in a safe and never let anyone see them.), but the key to satirizing an entity that will sue your pants off is to change all the names. The Simpsons don't visit Disney World, they go to Itchy and Scratchy Land or Krusty World or whatever. National Lampoon's Vacation was in Walley World. Make up your own theme park and characters. It's not like obnoxious people don't visit theme parks other than Disney. For maximum comic effect, exaggerate the obnoxiousness of the guests at your park.