Synopsis 36

Sir Byron Wedderburn is an eighteenth century ladykiller who lives for the indecent pursuit of pleasure. He encounters Lenore, his true love, on the night of a summer solstice orgy. [As with the query, not clear if she was already his true love or this is true love at first sight.] She agrees to a rendezvous at midnight and joins the other guests. [When you meet your "true love" at an orgy and she ditches you to "mingle" with other guests, the handwriting is pretty much on the wall.] He regrets letting her go, searches uselessly [Futilely? Unsuccessfully? In vain?] for her, and is lured outside by a mysterious man, Vlad, who bites him and renders him immortal. [I was gonna say anyone who goes off alone with someone named Vlad is too stupid to live, but as he becomes immortal . . . ] Lenore finds Byron passed out and takes him to bed. She tells him they are both bloodthirsty immortal creatures, ["Both" meaning Lenore and Byron or Lenore and Vlad or Vlad and Byron?] but leaves him to hide from her violent master, also Vlad.

Byron lays [lies] in bed for weeks and misses Lenore. In his despondent state he shouts into the night and unknowingly summons two rogue fiends who are jealous of his power. [Has he demonstrated any power?] They seize [take] him to London, force him to drink toxic blood, and throw him into street slush at dawn. [That's the best they can do to their enemy? Toss him into street slush? Was London the closest place they could find street slush, or does London have the best street slush?] He dissolves for decades. [Say what? Is it the slush or the sunlight that makes him dissolve? If a sugar cube took decades to dissolve in a cup of coffee, you wouldn't even notice it was dissolving. And the coffee would evaporate before the sugar dissolved.]

Naked and alone Byron awakens in an alley in Los Angeles in the year 2012. [Is he still dissolving? How much of him has dissolved? Maybe just his clothes dissolved.] He is rescued by Gustave, [He's in an alley, alone. What does he need rescuing from?] another of his kind, [His kind? Why are we painstakingly avoiding the word "vampire?"] who helps him adapt to a power[-]driven twenty-first century lifestyle. [It's a last-chance power drive.] Byron longs for Lenore, and she visits him in a dream to warn of Gustave’s malicious intent. Byron considers him his dearest friend, and her warning makes no sense.

Lenore finally appears to Byron. She confesses that while he slept she and Gustave were lovers. She also warns of a spell Gustave holds that would allow him to trap the heightened senses of other immortals, or the doppelganger. [Say what?] This would give Gustave limitless power. He only needs a male and female of his rank, and they are perfect candidates. [He was Lenore's lover and Byron's best friend. Why hasn't he trapped their heightened senses already?] [What will Gustave do if he traps their heightened senses? This is key.]

Byron is not sure if Lenore still loves Gustave but can not make her reveal the truth. [Sorry Byron, but if the truth is No, she'd happily say so.] She disappears again. Gustave and Byron go to Palos Verdes to camp, but before they reach the cliffs rogue fiends chase them in a storm of bullets. [Rogue fiends again? What is a rogue fiend? Are these the same rogue fiends that threw Byron into street slush? What's their diabolical plan this time, to throw him into pond scum?] [Are there any fiends who haven't gone rogue?] Gustave kills his nemesis. Byron's worst enemy taunts him but Byron is not yet strong enough to kill him. [Who is Byron's worst enemy? Gustave? If so, why is he revealing his true colors to Byron now?] He vanishes.

Lenore has followed them. This confuses Byron. [Lenore disappeared and Byron vanished in the previous paragraph. Where are they now?] He is not sure if she and Gustave still love each other. Despite this she has planned a new adventure and Byron is happy to be with her again.


Notes

What happened to Vlad?

Why are the rogue fiends jealous of Byron's power? They have no trouble transporting him to London and tossing him in street slush. Seems like they're more powerful than he is.

Lenore calls the characters "bloodthirsty creatures." I would expect her to use milder terms, especially if she's including herself.

The last two paragraphs are all over the place. More like an outline of the last few chapters than the wrap-up of a story.

Why do Lenore and Byron meet at an orgy? Seems like a party would be just as good, and would inspire fewer questions about how these two can be in love.

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Guess the Plot

Sovereign of Night

1. For 200 years vampire Basil quietly lived in his secluded Colorado castle. When he rescues some college girls from a bear, he is instantly attracted to one of them and screw it, I'm as sick of crappy vampire novels as everyone else. Why can't he just bite a bitch and be done with it?

2. He rules . . . in the night. He's probably a vampire. And vampire books sell really, really well, so . . . he's a vampire. Yeah. That's it. A book about a vampire. Oooooo!

3. Byron Wedderburn, 18th century playboy, is bitten, rendered immortal and forced to drink toxic blood. He sleeps 250 years and awakens in Los Angeles, where he continues his hedonistic lifestyle until he runs into his old girlfriend Lenore, who's still alive because she's actually a goddess.

4. Oliver's position as supreme sovereign over the Vampire High Council is jeopardized when his rival learns Oliver's darkest secret: his human lover. Now Oliver must fight the legions to save his unborn child.
 
5. Virgin co-ed Mickie Night, overwhelmed with grief following her mother's death, takes a semester off to explore London. Two days in, she encounters hunky Jack Sovereign who seems bent on exploring Mickie. It's 50 Shades with a cockney twist.

6. After millenia of scheming, Lucifer is back. A horde of demons is clawing through the pearly gates and God is poised to let the tide turn unless the next soul up for Judgment is found pure. As if poor Shelly didn't have enough pressure.

7. Agnes looks out her apartment window. Somebody threw a rock and shattered the streetlamp again. Now she must use her lamp and her own money to read the romance novel she fetched from her neighbor’s trash. So she sits in the dark and imagines her heirs fighting over her money after she’s gone. 


 
Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor,

Sir Byron Wedderburn is an eighteenth century playboy proud to call himself a steadfast hedonist. He encounters his true love Lenore on the night of a summer solstice orgy and feels complete. [In my experience, when you meet your true love at an orgy you feel complete only until she moves on to the guy over by the Adonis statue.] But his world of endless parties with illustrious guests disintegrates after he is bitten and rendered immortal by a mysterious beast of a man. [Actually, the only way to fully enjoy parties that never end is if you are immortal; why should immortality cause his world to disintegrate?] [Is Byron a vampire? A werewolf? A mysterious beast of a man? Is immortality the only consequence of being bitten?]

After Lenore, an eternal goddess, leaves Byron to hide from her abusive master, [You'd think an eternal goddess could come up with a better strategy for dealing with an abuser than hiding. Can't she turn him into a goat? What makes him her master?] rogue fiends seize a heartbroken Byron and force him to drink toxic blood. [That sounds like something your classic orthodox fiend would do. A fiend who's gone rogue would probably be a sweetie.] A deep slumber ensues for two hundred fifty years. He awakens naked and alone in Los Angeles in the year 2012.

He is rescued by Gustave, [Rescued from what? Is he naked, alone, and imprisoned?] another elegant immortal, [Is there anyone in this book who isn't immortal?] who warmly introduces him to a modern jet-set lifestyle as they pursue and kill members of a ruthless coven [of immortals]. Byron reunites with Lenore and is not sure if her past affair with Gustave will ruin their bond. He forgives her but does not trust her. [You had an affair after I'd been unconscious for only 245 years?! I can never again trust you.]

Gustave holds a rare spell that can grant him limitless power, [What will he do if he gets limitless power?] but only if he entraps two of his kind indefinitely, and Lenore and Byron are perfect candidates. Byron must choose between his true love and best friend, or survive alone in the twenty-first century, a thought that terrifies him. [Tough decision. Your true love or the guy who wants to entrap you indefinitely.]

SOVEREIGN OF NIGHT is an 80,000 word count novel that explores the world of unapologetic demoniacs, and uncovers the cravings of voluptuaries of the new millennium. [Unless you're writing to someone who has specifically stated she's looking for a novel that explores the world of unapologetic demoniacs and uncovers the cravings of voluptuaries of the new millennium, I recommend leaving this out.] The poetry of Lord Byron [, Edgar Allan Poe,] and Coleridge, as well as elements of Gothic literature from Ann Radcliffe to Anne Rice greatly inspired me. 

I am an immedicable romantic [Burn your thesaurus.] and avid reader of Gothic and Romantic literature as well as modern fiction. I have written professionally for a now extinct society column in Nashville, TN. I reside with my fiance in Las Vegas, NV. [What's with the smoking in casinos? It's the 21st century.] [This paragraph isn't needed.]

Thank you for your time and consideration. Synopsis below.

Yours very truly,


Notes

Hard to believe you could be asleep and naked for 250 years without anyone stumbling upon you. Do these rogue fiends maintain his sleeping body for 250 years, inexplicably transporting it to Los Angeles at some point? Or do they ditch his sleeping body, at which point Lenore takes on the task of caring for him in his comatose state? And if she is in LA keeping tabs on him as he sleeps, why does Gustave have to rescue him? Why didn't she rescue him?

Was Lenore forced to be at the orgy by her abusive master? Because normally abusers don't give their victims permission to go to sex parties. 

Not clear whether Byron and Lenore have a lengthy relationship after the orgy, or if she leaves him during the orgy to get away from her master. If the former, is the  abusive master just letting Lenore have a romantic relationship with Byron? If the latter, did Byron really expect a woman he met once at an orgy and never saw again to be faithful to him during the 250 years he was sleeping it off?

If Gustave needs to entrap two immortals, why doesn't he just entrap Byron from the beginning instead of rescuing him and introducing him to a jet-set lifestyle?

Not sure what is meant by Gustave getting limitless power if he entraps B & L indefinitely. If he entraps them for a week, does he have limitless power for a week? Because if I had limitless power for a week, I think I could set things up so I wouldn't need much power going forward.

We need to focus on Byron/Lenore. There are too many villains: abusive master, mysterious beast of a man, rogue fiends, ruthless coven, Gustave. Save three or four of them for the synopsis or the book. The setup: Lenore, a goddess, and Byron, a whatever, find true love, but when Byron drinks toxic blood, he falls into a 250-year sleep, waking in 2012 Los Angeles.

The plot: I'm not sure. Lenore and Byron are reunited, but must work together to prevent Gustave from . . . what? It's too vague to say they need to prevent him from getting limitless power. What's at stake?

The 9th Evil Editor Book?

So, I purchased a package of 10 ISBNs when I started Evil Editor Publications. I've used 8 of them (Evil Editor Strips needed separate ones for the hardcover and softcover versions). In order to get my money's worth, I need to publish 2 more books. Possibilities:

                                      art: Bill Highsmith

1. The hardcover leather- bound edition of Novel Devia- tions, consisting of the 50 or so best ones from each of volumes 1, 2, and 3, plus the 50 best that appeared after those books were published. Actually, the only reason those books were called Novel Deviations was because another book had just come out titled Novel Twists, so I might go with that title now that years have passed. Of course, I can't find Novel Twists on Amazon, so maybe that book totally bombed because of the lame title. Maybe I should call it Oliver Twists, in hopes it will be purchased accidentally.

2. The History of the World in Tweets. Compiling the best of the recently tweeted historical tweets, plus adding some more. Not really the history of the world, as most of what happened before the 14th century wasn't kept track of because no one knew how to write and every country had its own calendar and nothing of much interest happened most years anyway. Possibly illustrated with cartoons starring EE through history.

3. Mrs. Varmighan Tweets. The tweets of Mrs. V, each accompanied by its own cartoon.

4. 101 Query Letters. The best Face-Lifts from the blog.

5. Photo album of highlights of the first Evil Editor Writers Retreat, yet to be scheduled.

6. A novel by one of my minions whose query appeared on the blog.

7. My autobiographical novel, titled Evil Editor's Romance Novel.

8. Whirlochre! A compilation of my favorite posts from Whirlochre's blog.

9. Novel Ideas. 1001 brilliant ideas for novels, compiled from the approximately 6000 fake plots that have appeared on the blog. Illustrated.

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Guess the Plot

Clockwork Hearts

1. Tick, tick, tick--Shondra's biological clock has launched into overdrive. Can she find a man before her last oocyte ejects? Also, a nagging mother.

2. After Alexis, a bored hipster living in the near dystopian future, is arrested at a student debt protest, the feds use her as a guinea pig for the controversial Ludditico Technique, which trains her to fear gizmos and gadgets of any kind. But can she survive without her iPhone?

3. When Sun Moon, owner of Koreatown dating service "Clockwork Hearts" is found hanging in her bathroom, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things. One, she didn't shoot herself in the head before hanging in the shower, and two, there's that new Korean place that just opened, so maybe he should take the family out for a change.

4. An automaton runs away with a velocipede in 1889 Paris. When her crush develops an infatuation for la belle tour Eiffel, the angry two-wheeler sets out to loosen every screw in the momument. Will 18,038 iron parts crash down onto the crowds at the Exposition?

5. Famed for creating clockwork creatures to serve the wealthy, Victor wants a new challenge. He finds it when the Newmans ask him to fix their dying daughter Lenore. But can his talent with mechanics save a life? And if not, can he create a clockwork Lenore realistic enough to fool the Newmans?

6. The main problem with the new artificial heart, the Tiktok2, is that it has to be rewound every 24 hours-- and the key is in the patient's back. After a 7.9 earthquake hits Clockwork City, Tiktok2 recipient Jason Walker finds himself trapped in rubble... with his worst enemy.

7. A madman is digging up graves and attempting to build part human, part cyborg creatures out of human corpses. But when two of his creations fall in love, he must decide whether or not to silence their clockwork hearts.

8. Graham's timing is catastrophic. Late to his wedding, his fiance leaves him at the altar. Alone on his honeymoon, he rescues Julia, his soulmate, on a scuba diving excursion. Unfortunately, Julia is about to tie the knot. Can Graham win her heart in time?



Original Version

Dear EvilEditor

Victor Roussel is a man driven by curiosity.

His experiments in Paris satisfied some of his burning questions on the limits of human mortality, [Are you saying his experiments showed how long a human can live? Because I don't see how you can get good data on that. If all your test subjects die before they're 80, that doesn't prove 80 is the limit of human mortality. Plus, what if you die before they do? You spend 30 years monitoring a bunch of old people, and 12 of them are still alive when you get run over by a truck. And the whole experiment is down the drain.] but four years later in London, the hunger for new knowledge has again begun to rear its head. Although he is rapidly becoming known for creating Clockwork Charlies—almost sentient creatures made of clockwork who serve London’s rich and fashionable [women]—Victor is bored with the predictability of it all, and longs for something new and daring with which to satisfy his curiosity. So [he comes up with Clockwork Charlotte, satisfying both his curiosity and that of the heretofore untapped male market.] when the Newmans approach him and ask if he can somehow fix their dying daughter Lenore, he eagerly accepts the challenge.

Although he is initially enthusiastic, the family dynamics within the Newman household [Newman!] begin to trouble his never-very-active moral compass, and force him to question whether or not the experiment should go ahead. [Vague. What's bugging him?]

In the midst of all this, Victor is reunited with his childhood sweetheart Mercy, and their growing romance begins to conflict with his commitment to Lenore. [Commitment? A sentence ago he was ready to let her die just because he was bothered by the Newman family dynamics.] Mercy’s moral strength could give Victor the courage he needs to make the right choice, but where does his heart truly lie—with love or science? [What's the choice? Save the girl or get it on with Mercy? The mention of Mercy's moral strength suggests that she isn't annoyed that Victor is helping Lenore when he could be taking Mercy to the opera every night.]

CLOCKWORK HEARTS is historical science fiction [Steampunk romance?], complete at 60,000 words. This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

The first long paragraph stresses Victor's hunger for new knowledge, his longing for something new and daring with which to satisfy his curiosity, his eagerness to accept a new challenge. If you expect us to believe he's going to abandon the project, you need to provide a better reason than the troubling family dynamics of the Newman household.

Why is it a choice anyway? Can't a scientist have romance in his life? I wouldn't bother mentioning a choice unless there's one that's a true dilemma.

This is all setup. You can set up the situation in one paragraph: Although he is renowned for creating Clockwork Charlies—almost sentient creatures made of clockwork who serve London’s rich and fashionable—Victor Roussel longs for something new and daring with which to satisfy his curiosity. So when the Newmans ask if he can somehow fix their dying daughter Lenore, he eagerly accepts the challenge.

That leaves lots of room to tell us what he's doing for Lenore, what specifically gums up the works, what role Mercy plays in driving the plot forward. We want to know what happens.

That opening one-sentence paragraph is a waste of space.

Is the name "Victor" supposed to clue the reader in to the similarities to Victor Frankenstein? We would get that, even if he were named Bob. Whether readers will be annoyed that you feel they need to have this driven home to them is a question for the minions.  

Frankenstein and "Lenore." It's obvious you just finished studying early 19th-century literature.

Not clear what is meant by "almost sentient creatures." To me, they're either sentient or they aren't. There was a courtroom proceeding to decide whether Commander Data was sentient, but even there, it came down to a choice between He is or He isn't. There was no middle ground of He is . . . almost.]

Novel Ideas

Looking for an idea for your next novel? These ideas, which appeared here as fake plots in past years, sound like they might actually be winners. One to a customer, please. Reserve the one you want in the comments so we don't have several people writing the same one.


1.

2.

3.

4.

 

5.

6.

7.

8.

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Guess the Plot

Thicker Than Blood

1. Two vampires undertake an experiment in their night school science class to discover what is thicker than blood. Answer: custard.

2. Marie loves Guy, but he loves her sister Valerie who loves Guy's sister Cecilie. Plus a one-legged grasshopper cook and a geneologist obsessed with the letter M.

3. When Merlinia G. Wetzelsperger's budget vegan blood mix begins producing unstable gloopy results, lawyers demand a rewrite of the powder/water ratio instructions.

4. There's a new substance on Planet Zera-Phor, a sludge called Pheron, and it's ruining everything. The waste product of alien breeding rituals, Pheron poisons wells, kills plants, and sticks to your shoes like gum. When the protagonist learns one of his parents created him out of Pheron, will he believe that it's...Thicker Than Blood?

5. Tar. Glycerol. Gorilla Glue. There are many thick substances out there, but none that can bind certifiable maniacs together like blood. Also, a soothsayer grandfather.

6. Jillian must confront the Ashkum--Alderi's feared council of elders--to rescue her dearest friend Elia from execution. What she doesn't know? Elia's guilty, and her sacrifice is a set-up.

7. The empress has been kidnapped, and civil war is imminent. Two estranged brothers decide to work together to find her, because blood is thicker than water. But will they discover something else is . . . thicker than blood? Also, a nuclear knife.




Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Thicker Than Blood is an adventure fantasy novel about a kidnapped empress, an ancient knife and a long-lost brother.

The kidnapping of the Empress has thrown the Empire into turmoil. Jack is a thief who has been commissioned, by an unknown patron, to steal a treasure from the palace in her absence, a knife with the power to destroy whatever it touches. [Including the person who steals it?] [Including the display case in which it rests?] [Presumably not, so I'm guessing it destroys what it touches only when its wielder wills it to do so? So if I walk up to some guy I want to kill, I only have to touch him with this knife, whereas if I had a normal knife I would have to touch him harder. That would make him somewhat easier to kill, although when you approach someone while holding a knife, he's going to try to avoid being touched by it whether it's a magic knife or a steak knife. Also, if he has a sword and sees you approaching with a knife, I don't like your chances no matter which kind of knife it is. Especially if his sword has the power to destroy whatever it touches.] [If I touch a tree with the knife, does it crumble into dust? Disappear? Just fall over? Also, if I touch a castle with the knife, does the whole castle get destroyed, or just the one stone block I touched? You can see why I ask. If you want to destroy one floorboard of your castle because it creaks, the knife would come in handy unless it destroyed your whole castle. But if you want to destroy your enemy's whole castle, you don't want to have to walk around touching every brick and board and flagpole, because they'll notice what you're doing and send out archers.] Along the way he comes into contact with his older brother, a sometime lover of the Empress, whom Jack has spent half his life avoiding. As they are forced to work together for the first time in fifteen years, Jack has to confront the tensions that drove him from his home and discover whether they lie between the brothers or only within himself. [Do they have to work together? If they split up they have twice as much chance of finding the empress.]

Meanwhile, tension is mounting in the royal palace. Long-established factions, held in check by the Empress, are gaining power in her absence and there are whispers of civil war. Rajel, a young, newly-arrived prince from the Southlands, attempts to navigate the complex palace politics while concealing his own identity. [Not clear why Rajel is important enough to be in the query. Dump him or make it clear.]

Time is running out in the search for the Empress, and she is not the only one in danger. Jack has to choose between helping his brother find her and fulfilling his commission to steal the knife before it falls into the hands of evildoers. [How does he know the "unknown patron" who commissioned him isn't an evildoer? If there are evildoers in the palace, they already have the knife. If they aren't in the palace, why is the knife safer with Jack or the patron than it is in the palace?]

Complete at 110,000 words, Thicker Than Blood explores the relationships between family and identity, ambition and loyalty, ideals and duty. It is intended for an adult audience of fantasy lovers.

I have enclosed the first chapter, and the manuscript is available at your request. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


Notes

If there's any risk of the knife falling into the wrong hands, why not destroy it or throw it to the bottom of the ocean? It's not good for only one side to have a weapon that can destroy anything.

Can you throw in an example or two of things the good guys have destroyed with the knife?

I assume the whole army is out looking for the empress. Why should these two brothers have any luck?

If your summary shows the themes, there's no need to point them out

It's best if you can show the knife is connected with the empress's rescue. It sounds like a subplot. Do they need the knife to rescue her? Does protecting the knife do anything to reduce the chance of civil war?

Setup: The empress has been kidnapped and two estranged brothers agree to work together to rescue her. But first they must get the Knife of Endor because they need it to destroy everything standing between them and her. Now what  happens? What goes wrong? Who betrays them or tries to stop them? What's the plan? Tell us the story. Make us want to read it.

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Guess the Plot

Just One of the Boys

1. Tomboy Gena has always struggled with identity issues, but now he's certain to cause a stir after gender-reassignment. How will folks react when Geno is...Just One of the Boys?

2. Foundation: Check. Mascara: Check. Corset: Check. Fishnets: Check. And--oh yeah, chihuahua in the purse. Yep, Mike's ready for a night with the boys.

3. Kate's best friend Meredith blabs Kate's secrets to the cool girls, so Kate starts hanging out with the boys. Then the cool girls discover boys and want to use Kate as an in to the boys' group. Now Kate must decide: use this opportunity to become one of the girls, or remain . . . just one of the boys.

4. When Wyatt Earp, Doc Holliday and Bat Masterson ride into the little town of Misery in search of a killer, 16 year old Belle is desperate to join them. Will cutting her hair, wearing her Pa's clothes and carrying a gun convince them that she's-- just one of the boys?

5. A lonely housewife disguises herself as an overweight, obnoxious executive in order to spend more time with her husband at the office. But what secrets will she uncover when her husband thinks she's...Just One of the Boys?

6. When a dragon wakes from his thousand-year nap, he finds a boarding school built over his lair. Roaming the dorms for sustenance, he discovers a deep love for the works of Goethe and an allergy to tweed.

7. Fifteen-year-old Patricia is a horse-loving tomboy. Her twin brother Patrick loves playing piano. When their parents head to Tuscany for the summer, the twins swap plans. He goes to Piano Camp in NYC. She goes to Boy Scout Horse Camp in Wyoming. Does she know Horse Camp has a communal shower room?

8. Psychologist Mandy Smith thinks she knows every manipulative, narcissistic trick used by patients to deceive therapists. Until she starts counseling a Sex Addicts Anonymous group. To better understand her new clients, Mandy hits the bar scene, undercover and transgender.

9. Philippa's always acted like one of the boys alongside her 9 brothers. But when she decides to get in touch with her feminine side, can she grow out her crew cut in time for the junior prom?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor/ Agent,


I’d like you to consider my tween romance, Just One of the Boys.


Fourteen year old Kate’s so-called best friend Meredith has just blabbed all of her secrets to the cool girls, in hopes of joining their group. [Welcome to our clique. We've been wanting to add a new member, preferably one who blabs her friends' secrets.] [I'd get rid of "so-called" and just put quotation marks around "best friend."] [Also, could readers think Meredith blabbed her own secrets rather than Kate's secrets? Probably not, though technically, you'd write the sentence the same if it were Meredith's secrets, so maybe you should say "Kate's secrets."] Devastated that their friendship seems to be so cheap, Kate instead reconnects with her childhood friend, Aaron, and hangs with him and his buddies instead. [Neither "instead" is needed.]


She doesn’t mind talking football and cars, [Do boys care about cars before they're old enough to drive?] and actually enjoys jamming heavy metal riffs with them. But she has to dress down in order for them to stop trying for her attention. [Not clear what that means, partly because what 14-year-old doesn't want attention?] She gradually gets to know the brooding Brandon, whose home life is terrible, and finds herself falling for him. But he sees her as ‘one of the boys’. Together, they write a song for a competition, and Kate uses the lyrics to express her feelings for him. He loves the song and reveals that he will dedicate it to Meredith, whom he loves from afar. [Kate's mistake was calling the song "Meredith My Love." If she'd named it "Eleanor My Love, no prob. Or she could have put the names Brandon and Kate in the lyrics a la "Jack and Diane," "Frankie and Johnnie," "The Ballad of Bonnie and Clyde."]


Kate needs to figure how to get him to believe exactly how mean Meredith really is. [Without just telling him?] In the meantime, the cool girls (including Meredith) start to be nice to her – probably to get to know the boys. Her impulse is to ignore them, but it gives her an opportunity to stop being one of the boys, even though she really prefers their company. [So what's her dilemma? Sounds like she can just keep hanging with the boys or she can become a cool girl and still hang with the boys, since the cool girls apparently want to hang with the boys. Do both sides of the decision have a major disadvantage?]


This is a story about being yourself, even when the consequences are hard; [I missed that part. Kate's only hard consequence was losing a friendship with someone who wasn't much of a friend anyway. But that wasn't a consequence of being herself; it was a consequence of Meredith being mean.] [Actually, it's a story about how boys make better friends than girls, but don't mention that, as girls are your audience.] about fitting-in and friendship and loyalty and about identity in the ever-changing world of the adolescent.


My contact details are as follows.......






Notes


This is pretty wordy. The fewer words you use to make a point, the more room you have to provide additional information.


It's also mainly setup.If you can squeeze the setup into one paragraph, something like:


When 14-year-old Kate is betrayed by her best friend Meredith, she starts hanging out with her childhood friend Aaron and his buddies. She gets to know Brandon, and together they write a song for a contest. The problem: Kate's lyrics express her romantic feelings for Brandon, but he wants to dedicate the song to his secret crush . . . Meredith!


. . . you'll have plenty of room to tell us how Kate attempts to win Brandon over, what goes wrong, what brings the whole situation to a boil.

Caption Challenge

As those of you who read EE's tweets are aware, a series of "Big-headed Alien Cartoons" has begun. If it's to continue, new captions will be needed for this cartoon:

The drawing can be altered so that EE is speaking or so that both characters speak. Submit as comments.

Hannah's Tweets

You may have noticed the link to the Hannah Rogers Literary Agency in the sidebar. A few people have submitted entire queries to Hannah Rogers. In some cases these are people who've read the entire site and decided that Hannah is the agent for them. Which is sad. In other cases these are people who are submitting to every lit agent site they can find and don't even look at the site. Which is annoying.

To reduce my exposure to heartbreak and annoyance, I've asked Hannah to make it a bit more difficult to submit to her, so possibly she won't be tweeting anymore. But she's granted me permission to post some of her tweets, which consist of an author's first sentence and Hannah's two cents. Perhaps an agent's point of view will prove instructional to those minions who don't see how anyone can reject a manuscript after reading only one sentence.



If days were trains, this one would have been lying at the bottom of a ravine. (K) If openings were logs, that one would be in my fireplace.

It's over. (P) For once I can say this with certainty: you're starting in the wrong place. 

Armageddon began with a cup of coffee. (DJC) I had forgotten Starbucks prime directive: If Satan comes in, serve him decaf.

It was a stately room. (Anon.) Specifically, it was shaped like Colorado.

I stopped dead in my tracks the moment I saw him. (D) No one had told me Evil Editor would be attending my sweet sixteen slumber party.

The day I learned my twin sister was a vampire, I was shocked. (JR) Then it hit me: finally, I had an excuse to put a stake thru her heart.

I could not believe it. (anon.) So you wrote a novel about it, and you'll be highly offended if I say, "Sorry, didn't find it believable."

The big Dutch boy wanted to fight about the ship's name again. (SM) We showed him the name, printed on the stern. That settled that.

He was a man of terror and reveled in his ability to cause fear. (JD) But he was the most famous editor in the world, so we had to take it.

"Tell me you're kidding." (DJC) "Nope, I've got you a seven-figure contract and I sold film rights . . . Okay, okay, I'm kidding."

As Leisha disembarked, the hot desert wind hit her like an anvil. (S) She took a deep breath and blew it out like a category 5 hurricane.

“What brings you to Mobile?” (L) The only believable response to that question: "My GPS malfunctioned."

She’d grown to expect it. (K) And yet it still shocked her when the 1st sentence of a manuscript had two pronouns with no antecedents.

The man bore down on me, leering with yellow teeth. (CP) And chomping with bloodshot eyes.

She was a force of nature steaming through the mall. (MM) I made a mental note never to get between her and Mrs. Fields.

“Your drug induced coma is the anteroom to my reality." (WM) And your Huh?-inducing opening sentence is the foyer to my nightmare.

Kincaid rode behind the sheep. (W) I'm torn between wanting to know what you mean by "rode" . . . and NOT wanting to know.

The room lit up as the Pope walked in. (R) Immediately Cardinal Vespaci knew he would catch hell for inviting paparazzi to the conclave.

The vault's alarm spoke: "Fa-oop fa-oop, fa-oop." (DF) Reading that is almost as annoying as listening to it.

I wish I didn’t have to tell my story in the first-person. (RLW) Sorry, but it's pretty much industry standard for autobiographies.

It wasn’t crowded in The Regulator Bookshop. (Anon.) Apparently, news that Evil Editor would be reading from Novel Deviations hadn't spread.

In your minds, you are all special. (P) That's because the publishing industry would grind to a halt without us . . . in our minds.

"I love you," Andi said very clearly, looking right up into his brown eyes. (SD) "I'm so glad I put up this ceiling mirror," he added.

In this business, every once in a while, you meet a woman who's a class act. (DJC) Thanks.

I didn't know that I was psychic. (ILS) Which, now that I think about it, should have been the first clue that I wasn't.

Some say stasis dreams are as close as the human mind can come to a vision of Heaven. (G) I say it's a pint of Cherry Garcia.

I had my nightmare again last night. (JAS) Me too. Mine was the one where yet another author opens by telling me about her dream. And yours?

"Shit!" (DJC) I'm a traditionalist; I prefer that you give the title and word count BEFORE the genre.

The dame had finally come unhinged. (R) Hey, YOU try working a job where you do all the work and get 15% of the take.

On impulse, Jerel gathered the mage close. (P) On impulse, I turned on the shredder.

I retched, and gagged, and heaved more liquid out of myself. (BS) Week-old burrito or erotic romance slush?

I let the gun rest on my limp dick. (EST) No need to tell us it's limp. If there's a gun anywhere near it, it's limp.

"You're going to wear that page out, you know." (MD) Dialogue between two senators?

It’s amazing how you take oxygen for granted until you don’t have any. (RS) True, if you replace "amazing" with "perfectly understandable."

There was no violence until the very end of the journey. (anon.) Sorry, try again. And this time, start at the end of the journey.

The Nightmare Man came today. (TLB) The Nightmare Man comes EVERY day. Although we agents call him the mailman.

"What the hell was that?" (RDV) What the hell was THAT?

Ventriloquism school has only one rule: don't fall in love with the dummy. (WT) That's also the only rule on Evil Editor's blog.

I have a perfect mouth, at least according to my dentist, AKA my dad, AKA Dr. Dad. (JJ) Sorry, AKA No thanks, AKA Better luck next time.

One year was wasted and gone. (KDE) Trunk novel or boyfriend?

"You don’t want this, no more than I do." (Anon.) Well, at least we agree on SOMETHING.

Tweets

1. Today is International Day of Tolerance. I'm doing my part. pic.twitter.com/YdB8RjK1

   
   
2. If I want anything done around here.... pic.twitter.com/sylBnxax

   
   
3. What's taking EE so long? The bakery's right around the corner. pic.twitter.com/D5Ytxyto
   
   
   
4. I'd better not disturb Evil Editor. He's in his office negotiating an important contract. pic.twitter.com/0kWKmwYg

   
   
5. In Evil Editor's dreams. pic.twitter.com/tQP2WLwo

   
   
6. I told EE people wouldn't fear him if he didn't scowl so much. Hope I got through to him. pic.twitter.com/RIPjYgTl

   
   
7.  Maybe this'll teach EE not to send me out to run his errands. pic.twitter.com/rIRmGIgF
   
   
   
8. I think it's cool that Evil Editor hires athletes from his alma mater during their off-seasons. pic.twitter.com/Y5dvsc44
   
   
9. EE's been editing a lot of murder mysteries lately. I hope it's not getting to him. pic.twitter.com/wuRibbit

   
   
10. EE used to wear the same suit to work every day. Suddenly he has a new wardrobe. What gives? pic.twitter.com/Fbg4SA1J

    
    
11. Evil Editor's been prevailed upon to substitute teach this morning. I can just imagine how that's going. pic.twitter.com/2vdgI7dZ

    
    
12. I'd like to know why EE suddenly needed a DNA sample. If ANYONE'S on drugs here, it's HIM. pic.twitter.com/09niTB3Q

    
    

    
    

Face-Lift 1114

Guess the Plot

Guardian of the Phoenix

1. Joel was born for greatness--and he's going to achieve it, just as soon as he can find someone to watch Uncle Marvin's weird parrot.

2. Sheryl's substitute teaching job explodes in a dazzling pyrotechnic display that burns down the science lab. Now she's desperate to take any job--even pet-sitting in creepy Zanzibar Manor.

3. When Gwyn learns that her childhood necklace, "the Phoenix," is the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, she realizes it was possibly a mistake to give it to a vampire who wants to extinguish the sun so it'll always be night.

4. Tipped off by lapsed minions, Internet hacker Shazam targets the firewall blocking insightful blog posts of southern writer, Phoenix. Soon Shazam is on the run from ace detective Zach Martinez. Also, an evil editor.

5. After a bizarre series of fatal highway "accidents," 42-year-old paraplegic tax lawyer Jill Walters finds herself the legal guardian of 14-year-old super heroine The Phoenix, who's determined to avenge her parents' deaths.

6. When Wendy signed up to become a foster parent, she certainly didn't anticipate having a little pyromaniac in her house. Now, how to use the kid in an insurance scam?



Original Version

Gwyn has spent her whole life pretending to be something she's not… human. But when you're going to live forever, seventeen years of lying shouldn't be a big deal. Guardian of the Phoenix is complete at 58,742 words and would fit in to the Paranormal Young Adult genre. [That sentence could be placed at the front of the last paragraph where it won't interrupt the plot summary.]

Gwyn has been playing the part of human for so long, [In the previous paragraph 17 years was next to nothing. Now it's sooooooo long.] she has denied who and what she really is, an immortal. [We learned she's pretending to be human and she's immortal in the first paragraph. You must think we have really short attention spans. Dump the entire first paragraph and open: "17-year-old Gwyn has been playing . . . ] But with immortality comes responsibility, and her guardianship comes far sooner than she ever expected. [When did she expect it?]

Her treasured childhood necklace turns out to be the Phoenix, the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky. It is her responsibility to protect it.

She is devastated when she finds out because she’s already given it away. [Why would a 17-year-old keep some plastic bead necklace she had when she was 4? It's bad enough giving a child the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, but to not even tell her to protect it is the height of stupidity.] Her desperate attempt to prove her love to a dhampire, [For those not in the know, a dhampire is vampire who works for the Dharma Initiative.] [No, seriously, it's the offspring of a vampire and a human woman, and my embarrassment at not previously knowing this is matched only by the author's at not knowing it's spelled "dhampir."] Nolan, has threatened the balance of the world. [She attempted to prove her love for Nolan by giving him her childhood necklace?] [I shouldn't talk, on my 3rd date with my 2nd soul mate I gave her my Tonka truck and she gave me her Barbie doll. We were both 23.] Nolan’s vampire father would like nothing better than to end the reason for Gwyn’s existence, allowing night to reign always. [If you mean he wants to destroy her necklace, stopping the sun from burning in the sky, has he given any consideration to the fact that it would soon become really cold? And all the food sources would die off, including those of dhampir?] [Note that the plural of "dhampir" is "dhampir." You may need to know that someday.]

On top of all of that, Gwyn is falling for Brandt, the Phoenix's soul mate. [I thought the Phoenix was a necklace. What's it's soul mate? A bracelet? She's falling for a bracelet?] [Two sentences ago she was proving her love for Nolan and already she's falling for Brandt?]

She's got a major decision to make; become the Guardian of the Phoenix or let the sun set for the last time. [Tough decision. I'd start by making a list of all the advantages and disadvantages of a burning sun.

Advantages
Can see the moon
Can start a fire with a magnifying glass
Bikinis

Disadvantages
Skin cancer
Global warming
Blindness from looking at eclipses
Easier for the Borg to find us]

I want to sincerely thank you for your time. I have a full manuscript available should you be interested in reading Guardian of the Phoenix. This novel can stand alone, but I have the desire for it to become a series. I am currently working on the second novel which features a new main character.

Sincerely,


Notes

Who gave Gwyn the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, and why?

Who was responsible for the necklace before Gwyn, and why has this person been replaced?

Who are Gwyn's parents?Are they immortal too? How can you tell someone's immortal when they've been alive only 17 years? Is she a goddess? A dhampir? A zombie?

This is all setup. You don't tell us anything that happens in the book. And the situation you've set up doesn't make a lot of sense. If it all makes sense in the book, rewrite the query in a way that shows it.