Face-Lift 821

Guess the Plot

Tempest

1. There's a robot, a pretty girl, flying saucers, and mad scientists! It's "The Tempest" in space! Whaddya mean, it's been done?

2. Raven-haired and temperamental, she storms across the land in search of some object that will save the king. Gypsies, fae armies, oracles, and mages hamper or assist her. Accordingly, the king turns out to be a villain, or not.

3. Janelle just found out she's a "Tempest": a human hurricane. In fact, she's the strongest tempest in the world, destined to become the scariest hurricane ever. Plus, she's been kidnapped by the evil Tempest High Leader and taken to an island to be trained to kill without mercy when she becomes a hurricane. She will be the main weapon in a war against all mankind. And you thought you were having a bad day.

4. No one knows exactly what inspired Shakespeare’s play, The Tempest. Now on a trip to England 15 year old Miranda discovers the truth about the play, Shakespeare and her family’s own dark secret. Could she really be descended from the magical Duke of Milan?

5. Hillbilly boy genius Buddy Boone applies his iPhone ohmmeter app to an experiment inspired by Benjamin Franklin's kite-in-a-lightning-storm trick -- and accidentally makes contact with seven very hungry aliens from Star XQI3 who land their spaceship behind the shed and launch a deadly bid to take over the world.

6. Restaurant-owner Joe is known around town for his screaming matches with the wife. As he walks into the restaurant, he trips over her body, a steak knife in her chest. He has a few ideas who might want to frame him for murder . . . and he's determined to show them the true meaning of rage before the cops can lock him up.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Life blows for sixteen-year-old Janelle. Literally. She just found out she’s a human hurricane, a Tempest. That’s what the stupid gray spiral on her arm means. Just touching the ocean will make her turn into her stormy, deadly self. No wonder her dad seemed so nervous when he tried to tell her. [If your father informs you you're a human hurricane, you're not going to be worried about the day you ravage the Caribbean, killing thousands; you're going to be wondering how your father became delusional so fast.]

As if things aren’t bad enough, the evil Tempest High Leader, Andrina, just kidnapped her. Now Janelle has to attend Morgen Institute, Andrina’s boarding school for Tempest kids. But it’s no tropical paradise on this Caribbean island. Behind the perfect beaches and dorm parties lies the ugly truth Janelle’s dad hid her from all her life. Morgen Institute trains Tempests [to] kill without mercy when they become hurricanes. Whether they like it or not. [I don't think I'd let my students anywhere near a perfect beach if their touching the ocean would unleash a hurricane. My boarding school would be in western Mongolia.] [It sounds like you're saying the ugly truth her dad hid from her all her life is that Morgen Institute trains Tempests to kill without mercy. The ugly truth he hid from her is that she's a Tempest. Thus I'd change "the ugly truth Janelle’s dad hid her from all her life." to a colon.]

No way in hell is Janelle going to kill people. But Andrina won’t let her go. Because Janelle’s the strongest Tempest in the world, destined to become the scariest hurricane ever and kill thousands. [That's not enough people. If she kills 7000 people, that's about one of every million people on Earth.] Now she's the main weapon in Andrina's war against mankind. [That's like a pitchfork being your main weapon in a war against the United States. Can you make Andrina's war be against Aruba instead of mankind?]

Time’s running out. In order to escape, Janelle has to face the truth about herself…and what it really means to be a Tempest.

TEMPEST is a 67,000 word young adult fantasy. It may be the first book of a series.
Sincerely,


Notes

So, are all hurricanes former Tempests? Or are the Tempests extra hurricanes thrown into the mix?

Not to downplay the destructive force of a hurricane, but if you're at war with mankind, you might be better off training human earthquakes to strike dams and nuclear power plants. More people die from taking aspirin than from hurricanes.

Something about this feels more middle grade than YA. Maybe it's that younger kids are more likely to buy into the human hurricane idea. Or maybe it's that phrases like "The stupid gray spiral," "the evil Tempest High Leader," "The strongest Tempest in the world," and "scariest hurricane ever" sound like they'd appeal more to a less mature crowd. Adjectives that aren't so general and overblown might help. Or calling it middle grade.

Cartoon 731

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 784

THIS DIARY BELONGS TO: Stormy Marks

November 17 1996

Dear Diary. This is the first time I've written in one of these things. I'm not much of a writer, but I want to try and make this good.

Today is my birthday. My sister Mysty gave me a blouse and my little sister Amber gave me this diary to write in. Mysty is 15 and Amber is 12. I'm 18 now. Mom and Mike gave me a big cake and Mike said I'm a woman now and Mom got mad at him. Mikes a jerk. They fight a lot since we've been out here. I don't like California.

When Mom and Mike said we were going to California I thought we'd be like on the beach or something, instead of in the middle of nowhere. Well we didn't go near the beach at all, except a couple times when we had to drive for hours to get there.

Now we live in a apartment in this city called Riverside. There's nothing to do here. It's hot and smoggy all the time. We haven't gone to school here yet cause we've only been in these apartments a month and mom says we'll wait till next year. I don't think I'll go.

Mom doesn't like it when I say that. She thinks if I don't graduate I'll end up working in Dairy Queen pregnant to some gas station grease monkey, or on drugs or some other big, dirty embarrassment, just like my brother, Skid.

Mike said I can work with him at the garage and I said I don't know nothing about being a mechanic. So Mike said don't worry, there's nothing to it, come upstairs and he'll show me how to loosen a couple of nuts. Now Mom's really mad at him. But the cake was good.


October 14, 2002

Dear Diary. Well this is the second time I've written in one of these things. Mom says if I don't go back to school I might never graduate fifth grade and get a job at Dairy Queen. Mike said there were other ways for a woman like me to make a living. Mom got mad at him as usual. Anyway, I want to work at Hooters like Mysty 'cos the tips are better there. Mike said it's not the tips that are better. Hes such a jerk.


September 14, 2010 (Like I said, I'm not much of a writer.)

Dear Diary. Mom's being thrown out of the latest rest home I dumped her in. Can't blame them; the only thing that comes out of her mouth are screaming obscenities. She's been like that since she had her stroke, way back in 2003. That was just after she found out that Mike and me had run off together.

Well, gotta run. I'm home-schooling the twins, so I better make sure they're learning whatever.


Opening: --Khazar-khum.....Continuation: Anon./Paul Penna

Cartoon 730

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 820

Guess the Plot

Retired Shadows

1. When occlusions get old they're forced to retire and go live in the "old shadow's home," to be looked after by the occlusions of sexy nurses. Tavila is an old retired gypsy shadow that holds seances for passed-on shadows, and constantly reminds the retired shadows, "don't go into the light."

2. After you die, what becomes of your shadow? Enter the world of Blakemore Cthoth, Keeper of the Shadow-Souls. It's a gloomy domain--until the day Blakemore falls for Sunny, a naive cheerleader.

3. When someone dies, it severs the mysterious link between them and their shadow. The treacherous shadowhunter YooKoo has made it his mission to hunt down these retired shadows and give them a fate worse than death. Enter burger flipper Chris, who has made it his mission to thwart YooKoo at every turn--until Chris's own shadow gets kidnapped!

4. When people die, their shadows have to go somewhere; that's where Fier's Shady Rest Home comes in. When Ken Carmichael mistakes it for somewhere to send his aged mother-in-law, chaos ensues.

5. Michael Benson used to be one of the best in the business. He could follow someone anywhere and not be seen. Now he's retired. But when his old partner asks for help taking down the mobsters chasing his son, Michael wonders if h'es capable of shadowing anyone while driving his electric scooter.

6. There's only one thing Wendell Hume hates about being a retired CIA agent: active or not you can’t talk about what you know. When events start to remind him of an old case, and no one will investigate it, its up to him and 4 of his friends who are also retired operatives to stop a terrorist attack.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Chris Ayala talks to shadows. Thanks to an unlucky incident involving a black cat, Chris can hear shadows talking back. [Is black cat what they call it now? In my day we called it purple haze, yellow sunshine, pink panther and golden dragon.] Elow, the retired shadow of a dead girl, lives in hiding amongst the tombstones of Oak Creek Cemetery, where she first met Chris [who was there scoring some orange cupcakes]. Elow’s days are focused upon not being seen and not becoming mistaken for a ghost. Her nights are spent evading YooKoo, the treacherous, winged shadow hunter, whose sole intention is capturing and dooming all retired shadows to a fate much worse than the deaths their humans have undergone, the deaths which sever the mysterious link between people and their shadows. [YooKoo may be treacherous, but if does his shadow hunting at night, he's also an idiot. Everyone knows shadows are hard to see when it's dark.]

Because Elow is Chris’s favorite conversationalist, the recent High School graduate becomes bent upon thwarting YooKoo’s plans whenever he’s not dishing out burgers and fries at his summer job. [So that's why YooKoo hunts at night: he has a day job at McDonalds.] [If I walked into McDonalds and the guy behind the counter had wings, I think I'd head for Burger King.] In the curious world of retired shadows, however, one victory leads to the kidnapping of Chris’s own shadow; one that shouldn’t be accessible to the enemy while Chris is still alive. [When you're working a summer job at McDonalds, are you really alive?]

RETIRED SHADOWS is a middle grade fantasy complete at just over 23,000 words. It spotlights multicultural characters, [A normal kid, a shadow, and a winged creature. That's as multicultural as it gets.] the paranormal, and the beauty of the Southern United States. [Where the fast food joints have golden arches!]


Notes

YooKoo sounds like a character in a 1st grade book. A treacherous hunter would want a name that strikes fear into his victims. A name like Euku.

23,000 words is a skinny book. The kind of kid who prefers his books skinny is probably the kind who also doesn't want the plot interrupted with descriptions of the beautiful South.

Why is Yewk so obsessed with torturing shadows? Are shadows dangerous? Did a shadow kill his father? Is he a serial shadow killer? We need character motivation.

If Elow is Chris's favorite conversationalist, I assume he spends a lot of his free time in the Oak Creek cemetery. What's that all about? When his parents ask him where he's going every night after dinner, does he say he's going down to the cemetery to hang out?

If there's a retired shadow for every dead person, it doesn't seem like Elow would have to devote her nights to hiding from Yuke, when he has millions of other potential victims. Is he specifically after her?

Does Chris talk to shadows of living people? Because I can see how that would lead to some embarrassing situations.

Perhaps you could work in what happened with the black cat by opening: Ever since that black cat crossed his path 13 times, Chris Ayala has been able to chat with shadows.

Cartoon 729

Caption: Faceless Minion

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Sunday Feature 5

Cartoons for the Sub- Intellectual Masses

Caption: Evil Editor

Caption: Faceless Minion

Caption: Evil Editor

Caption: Faceless Minion

Caption: Evil Editor

Caption: Marissa Doyle

Caption: Evil Editor

Caption: Evil Editor

Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 819

Guess the Plot

The Nine Lies of Calliope Druthers

1. Calliope is known for lying, and for screwing up everything she touches, so even though she tried to blow up Flynn's spaceship the last time he saw her, and tried to kill his brother and dog, and there are a few hundred assassins trying to kill her, when she tells him he's the father of her child, he wonders, should he trust her just this once?

2. Cally claimed to be a witch to avoid dating Bob. When he demanded proof, she started lying more to avoid him and the detective he hired and the FBI guys who became interested. Now she's got three days to lie her way out of being burned at the stake.

3. First, her name really is Calliope Druthers. Second, she is a blonde. Third, she's a virgin. Fourth, those are real. Fifth...

4. A magic scroll promising to make your next nine lies come true has to be cool, right? But after making seemingly innocuous statements like “the cafeteria serves shit” or “I never sleep” or even “All the boys at school are in love with me” Calliope is in deep doo-doo.

5. Calliope Druthers is a princess who has a bad habit of telling the most outrageous lies. A put-out fairy warns Calliope that she can tell no more than eight lies before her sixteenth birthday next week. If she fails, all her previous lies will come true--at the same time.

6.Calliope is the daughter of the King of the cats. As such she was to have 9 lives, but due to a typo at the Office of Magic Abilities she has 9 lies instead. Given the job of ambassador to Dogland, can she broker peace in only 9 lies?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Flynn Monroe never expected Calliope Druthers to walk back into his life. When she does, unsurprisingly in a hail of bullets and shattered glass, the only thing keeping her from a chest full of lead is the wide eyed four year old girl he’s told [she claims] is his daughter. The Guild – the clandestine government society that controls the galaxy – [I have it on good authority (Carl Sagan) that there are 100 billion stars in our galaxy. Other estimates I found while Googling were 200 billion and 400 billion. I don't know (or care) what the method of counting stars in a galaxy is, but when two estimates differ by 300 billion, somebody screwed up. I mean, if you and I are asked to determine the number of stars in the galaxy and I come back a month later with an estimate of 100 billion, I can see you coming up with an extra ten or fifteen. Maybe you counted the ones in Virgo twice. Or I missed a few that were hiding behind a space anomaly. But when your estimate is 300,000,000,000 more than mine, I have to assume you were multiplying when you were supposed to be subtracting. It's analogous to someone asking us the population of Earth, and I say it's almost seven billion, and then you say it's 32. Anyway, my point is, even if we go with the lowest estimate, it's hard to believe a clandestine government society could be in control of 100,000,000,000 star systems. Not even the Borg were able to control the galaxy. Hell, the Borg couldn't even defeat humans, which is analogous to humans being unable to defeat cockroaches.] has put a bounty on Calliope’s head [Why? What did she do to the Guild? By the way, once you've achieved dominion over an entire galaxy, it's time to come up with a more intimidating name than the Guild. It's analogous to when Brad's Drink changed its name to Pepsi.] that no assassin can pass up. Now she wants Flynn to once again clean up her mess. Calliope may hope to patch things up between them as Flynn ferrets them away to safety [I'm familiar with ferreting out things, like rabbits or the truth. Maybe he ferries them away?] while trying to maintain his freight schedule, but Flynn hasn’t forgotten how they parted ways five years ago. The last time he trusted Calliope she tried to blow up his ship, with him, his brother, and his dog still on board. No one messes with his dog.

THE NINE LIES OF CALLIOPE DRUTHERS is a Space Western complete at 88,000-words. This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

I don't get a sense of story when you end the query with something that happened five years before your plot begins. Try rearranging the details:

The last time Flynn Monroe trusted Calliope Druthers, she tried to blow up his ship with him, his brother, and his dog on board. So when she walks back into his life, all that saves her from from a chest full of lead is the wide-eyed four-year-old girl she claims is Flynn's daughter.

Calliope wants Flynn to clean up yet another of her messes, but this one's no ordinary mess: every assassin in the galaxy is on her tail. Seems the notorious Galactic Syndicate has put a bounty on Leia's Calliope's butt, and only Han Flynn has a ship fast enough to save her. Not that he cares about her, but the kid is kinda cute . . .


That's your setup. Now you need one more paragraph in which you tell us how they plan to get out of this mess, and what horrible event/character threatens to prevent the plan from working.

It's generally a good idea if you give us a reason to care about your main character. The impression here is that Calliope gets in trouble and counts on others to bail her out. Is she wrongly accused? Is she a rebel fighting against the tyrannical Guild? Is she a criminal with redeeming qualities? Why should we root for her?

Cartoon 728

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 783

Sometimes, alone in the forest with my bitterness, I told myself that Isabelle must have guessed the real nature of the poor old woman who asked her for water, must have put on her sweetest smile and softest words in hope of a reward. But nothing is that simple, even Isabelle. And I do think she was surprised when she started to tell me the story and the first rose fell from her mouth, followed by a small hail of diamonds. Afterward, of course, she thought she had deserved it; thought, too, that my deserts were otherwise.

And I was fool enough to resent it, so that when the strange lady smiled at me and asked for water in the same breath as she asked after my sweet pretty sister I banged the dipper down on the coping stone and told her to fetch her own water for her own sweet pretty self. She looked at me the way people always looked at me, shocked, but I hadn’t expected the snake that slithered out between my lips as I spoke it.

Isabelle said it was the snakes that drove her from her home; she couldn’t stand their hard eyes and their unexpected appearances underfoot.

One of the larger snakes, a spitting cobra, looked up at me from the grass. "Hey, it's not exactly a party for us either, guy."

"Yeah," said the diamondback rattler beside him. "We can be stuck in your digestive system for hours waiting for you to talk."

"Trust me-- you all got off light," a passing bird told us. "There's a guy who didn't let her have his seat in a coach one day. Poor bastard can't fart without unleashing a swarm of killer bees."


Opening: Joanna Hoyt.....Continuation: Sean

Cartoon 727

Caption: Faceless Minion

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Face-Lift 818

Guess the Plot

The Burning of Issobell Key

1. The tragic story of how the first annual Pyromaniacs Anonymous meeting at Issobell Key went terribly, terribly wrong.

2. Issobell accepts fiance David's invitation to move to an island colony in his home state of Washington. But the religious sect he grew up in acts weird, all this talk of the "Burning Woman" festival. She's getting a baaad feeling.

3. Vacationing in Scotland, Lou takes an interest in the 300-year-old case of Issobell Key, who was burned as a witch. Lou tries to prove Issobell didn't commit all those murders. Not that exonerating her will bring her back to life . . . unless she really was a witch.

4. Salem-born Issobell has it tough. Saddled with illiterate parents, warts and a fondness for newt-eye soup, it was only a matter of time before the mob turned on her. As the flames rise, she wonders how life would have been different if only she'd preferred minestrone.

5. Hundreds of years ago, she was convicted of witchcraft as a teenager and burned at the stake. Now her ghost is back for revenge. The first thing she has to get used to in the American suburb where she's been reincarnated is 21st-century spelling. "Issobell"!? Now she feels like roasting someone.

6. When her neighbor in the tiny Cotswold village of Boring-on-End meets an untimely end as result of an exploding gas cooker, amateur sleuth Amelia Pettipants knows it wasn't just because Issobell made one mean curry. Or maybe it was, and someone's out for revenge . . . someone with a history of stomach problems. Which means 75% of the village are suspects.


Original Version

PLEASE be brutal! Thanks. [Sure, you say Be brutal, but later when you're in tears because I've suggested you give up this hopeless writing pipe dream and become a pole dancer in some skid row dive, how do I know you won't send your ex-con boyfriend over to teach me a little etiquette, Attica-style?] [On the other hand, how often do I get the opportunity to tell people, Be careful what you wish for?]

Dear Evil Editor,

The Scottish highlands have a rich history of magic and romance, but 26 year old Lou wasn’t looking for either when she traveled there with her best friend. Recently unemployed, Lou [Better to say "Unemployed"; if you call her "recently unemployed" we might think she is no longer unemployed. "Recently laid off" is okay, as is "recently fired." Even better, however, is to not mention her employment status at all, as it has nothing to do with the rest of the sentence or the rest of the query.] wasn’t really looking for anything in particular, [If you're gonna tell us in sentence 2 that she wasn't looking for anything in particular, there's no need to tell us in sentence 1 that she wasn't looking for magic or romance. However, I recommend keeping the romance and magic and ditching the anything, as I much prefer in particular to vague.] except perhaps some answers about her uncertain future. [You may argue that her joblessness is relevant because it's what makes her future uncertain. But I would argue that unless you can explain in the query how a vacation in Scotland is going to provide answers to her uncertain employment status, it's best to leave that out and let us believe she's just traveling.] [Some minions may now argue that maybe Lou isn't here on vacation, but is seeking a job. But I would argue that maybe you should read the next sentence before you open your big mouth.] But the past captivated her from the minute her vacation started, and Lou found herself digging for clues in a three-hundred year old murder mystery. [Queries are more interesting if they're in present tense. Like your next paragraph. Convert this one.] [Also, one could interpret that sentence to mean Lou started digging for clues the minute her vacation started.] [Also, are you sure murder was considered a crime 300 years ago in Scotland? I ask because my research into Scotland's history reveals:

14 April 1736: Efforts to quell a riot by the Captain of the City Guard in Edinburgh, Captain John Porteous, lead to six deaths. Porteous is later found guilty of murder.

7 September 1736: An Edinburgh crowd hear that Captain Porteous has been pardoned. That night they break into his cell and publicly lynch him. None of those responsible is caught.

As you see, the guy who was found guilty of murder was pardoned, and the authorities "claimed" they couldn't find anyone who was part of the lynch mob, even though the lynch mob was right there in the jailhouse.]

Mysterious dreams and bizarre coincidences begin to propel Lou [They propel her. If you tell us they propel her, we can deduce that at some point the propulsion began.] towards the fragments of truth [The truth. The truth is the truth; it doesn't come in fragments. It used to. Nowadays we have to swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth because in the old days the oath was, Do you swear the testimony you're about to give contains at least a few fragments of the truth? And even the guilty could safely say yes to that.] surrounding Issobell Key, a woman condemned as a witch in the seventeenth century. [As the 17th century was 310 to 410 years ago, I'll assume you were rounding off when you said the murder trial was 300 years ago. Which is okay, though I see no harm in calling it a 320-year-old murder trial, assuming the date of the trial is known to Lou.] As Lou blindly tries to follow her intuition, [She follows. If you say she follows, we'll deduce that she tried to follow. And "blindly" isn't needed unless she's blind, as that's understood when you follow your intuition instead of your senses.] she uncovers the grisly circumstances of Issobell’s trial and conviction: witnesses claimed that she murdered her sister, nephew, and brother-in-law in cold blood. [Those are the grisly circumstances of the crime, not of the trial and conviction.] [More proof that murder wasn't a crime:

Procurator: The woman murdered three people in cold blood. We have eyewitnesses.
Assistant: I know, sir, but what can we do?
Procurator: You're right, without a law against mur--Wait, we can charge her with witchcraft!
Assistant: Ah, Old Reliable. Brilliant, sir.]

With the help of Brian, the gorgeous native tour guide, and Tammy, her skeptical best friend, [If you'd told us the best friend's name the first time you mentioned her, you could just name her now without having to repeat that she's Lou's best friend.] Lou begins to delve [She delves.] into the tragedies of the distant past. But what she learns about her own past may be enough to completely change her life. [That's pretty vague. If she learns that she was Issobell in a past life, and has been summoned here to take revenge on all the descendants of the witnesses responsible for her first death, give us a hint.]

Complete at 60,000 words, The Burning of Issobell Key blends modern and historical settings in a truly unique work of women’s fiction. [1. Everything that's unique is, by definition, truly unique. 2. If you mean no other book is identical to it, that's true, but it's true of every book. 3. If you mean something a bit less absolute, you need a word other than "unique." In any case, if you show the book's fabulosity with a compelling plot description, there's no need to declare it, so let the agent/editor decide if it's truly increduloso.]


Okay, what we've boiled this down to is something like:

The Scottish highlands have a rich history of magic and romance, but 26-year-old Lou is looking for neither when she books her vacation. Still, the past captivates her from the moment she arrives, and it's not long before Lou finds herself digging for clues in a 333-year-old murder mystery.

Mysterious dreams and bizarre coincidences propel Lou toward the truth surrounding Issobell Key, a woman condemned as a witch in the seventeenth century. Following her intuition, Lou uncovers the grisly details of Issobell’s crime: witnesses claimed that she murdered her sister, nephew, and brother-in-law in cold blood.

Complete at 60,000 words, The Burning of Issobell Key is women's fiction that blends modern and historical settings.


That won't be the complete query; first you'll want to smoothly slip in some (or all) of the following: Does Lou find info that suggests or proves Issobell was innocent? Is Lou investigating old records, or basing everything on dreams and supernatural visitations? How do you dig for clues in a 300-year-old murder in a foreign country? How does delving into this case specifically change Lou's life?

Is this a ghost story or a mystery? Is it Brian's hunkiness that makes this women's fiction? Because I don't see why women are the expected audience. Guys like grisly murders and people being burned alive almost as much as women do.

Cartoon 726

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 782

The old man in the baseball cap left the newspaper behind, and Dale Brennan claimed it by setting his coffee cup down on it. He put his Moleskine notebook next to it-- look at me; I'm a writer-- and set his computer bag on the floor. The coffee shop's manager had put those stupid little locks on the outlets, and his four-year-old laptop battery wouldn't a charge, so it looked like today was going to be strictly longhand.

He put his coat over the other chair, sat down, picked up his cup and there it was in the newspaper, surrounded by a perfect little ring of coffee-- Long Time Gone, by Dale Brennan. New in hardback, fifty percent off.

His first thought was They stole my title. His second thought was They used my name, too. And his third thought was What the hell? Because Long Time Gone was right where it had been for the last two-and-a-half years-- inside his second-hand laptop, all thirty thousand words of it, waiting for him to write the other sixty thousand that would turn it into a novel.

His eyes scanned down the page, and there, right next to a lengthy interview, was a picture of the son of a bitch he'd shown the book to last winter. With that same superior sneer. Those hard, reptilian eyes. And the muttonchops. The goddamned muttonchops. He should have known.

He put the coffee back down and stood up. He picked up his coat from the chair, put it on, and tucked the newspaper with the ring of coffee on it in his back pocket. His head was swimming. He picked up his coffee and drained the cup. And then he had his fourth thought:

Well, at least I'm published.


Opening: Sean McClusky.....Continuation: Khazar-khum/Anon.

Cartoon 725

Title: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Success Story

Elizabeth D, Walker reports that her novel The Beauty's Beast (Face-Lift 409), is now available from Noble Romance Publishing.

Face-Lift 817

Guess the Plot

The Thief's Girl

1. Shoplifter Todd Wallace gets out of jail, but his girlfriend is gone. He spots a giant hole behind the TV--and Jane's shoe is lying there! He crawls through, only to be grabbed by a giant termite and dragged to a dung heap deep below Chicago. Can he find Jane before these monsters make her their Queen?

2. Pickpocket Charlotte is taken under the wing of a famous thief, but screws up by robbing the Chief of Police. The Chief wants her to snitch on her mentor, who wants her to use her feminine wiles to distract the Chief from the next heist. Life's so complicated when you're fourteen.

3. Every day Caitlin's dad drops her at Montessori, then goes off to burglarize houses. Summer break is approaching, and it's time for Caitlin to learn the trade; she's perfect for those little unlocked basement windows. But when Daddy offers a meager fifteen percent, she realizes she's gonna have to whack him.

4. Gary Nolan didn't want to become a thief. But he had to work his ass off just to get his girlfriend, and he'll be damned if he's going to lose her over a trivial thing like money and his lack of it. The problem is, every time he pulls off a score she raises the stakes. Just how does she expect him to steal a mansion?

5. Being married to the mob is no big deal, but when Sally Fleurty's gangland beau is abducted by aliens on the eve of a turf war anniversary, things get decidedly complicated. Were the bugs hired by rival hoods? Or has a third force muscled in on LA's pirate lingerie racket?

6. Jovis stole a baby girl from abusive parents and raised her as his own, teaching her the family "trade". But when she steals a priceless relic from the Archbishop--a Splinter from the True Cross--all hell breaks loose.



Original Version

Dear Agent,

Of all the things Charlotte though would happen when she ran away from home, ending up in the middle of a feud between a housebreaker and the Chief of Police wasn’t one of them. [For every "thing" she thought might happen there are a billion that she didn't think would happen. To put it another way, if you stacked up all the things that she didn't think would happen, they would reach another galaxy. And if you stacked them in order, with the most likely to happen at the bottom of the pile here on Earth and the least likely on the Gohr prison planet Lycus IV in the Andromeda galaxy, landing in the middle of this feud would be no farther away than Earth's stratosphere. If something incredible happened, like she sprouted wings and flew off and reached another galaxy, this might be a reasonable opening, although even then you'd want to use the less awkward wording: The last thing Charlotte expected when she ran away from home was that she'd be spending the night on the Gohr prison planet, Lycus IV. With wings.] [Add to all that the typo in word 6, and it's clear we should just start with paragraph 2.]

To escape an arranged marriage, Charlotte runs away from home with the intention of getting a job and making her own way in the world [known as Lycus IV]. [Did you notice how much "grabbier" the opening line became when I added "known as Lycus IV"? Consider setting the novel on the Gohr prison planet Lycus IV.] [This is the 4th Face-Lift to mention the Gohr prison planet Lycus IV, which I believe now makes that an official running gag, up there with ruthless vigilante sorcerers, brutal eunuchs, weredingos, occluded payphones, etc.] Unfortunately for Charlotte, jobs are harder to get than she’d thought, especially for no-account runaways with no connections to speak of. [Has she tried Supercuts?] To feed herself, Charlotte starts picking pockets. That’s how she met DiSpirito. [No need to suddenly switch to past tense.]

Alessia DiSpirito, known more commonly as The Spirit, a thief famous for never leaving a trail, has long been notorious. [No need to call her both famous and notorious in the same sentence.] Lucky for her, the papers – not to mention the police – aren’t privy to some of the more shocking truths about her, especially the fact that she is a woman. [Although the fact that she is referred to by the pronouns "her" and "she" should have been a dead giveaway.] But the secrets that have saved Alessia from arrest are endangered when she agrees to teach Charlotte how a thief should live.

When Charlotte accidentally tries to pick the pocket of the Chief of Police,

[Alessia's tips on how a thief should live
1. Don't rob the Chief of Police]

he decides to try to turn her into a spy in DiSpirito’s den. Unluckily [for him? Just say "But." I don't see what luck has to do with it.], Charlotte’s loyalty to DiSpirito can’t be swayed. Even more unluckily [What's more], DiSpirito [You said she was more commonly known as The Spirit, so how come you keep calling her DiSpirito?] knows that two can play any game [except solitaire], and she’s asked Charlotte to distract him from his investigation of her.

This would all be a lot easier for Charlotte if she didn’t feel a bit too much friendship for the Chief of Police – and curse it all, a thief cannot become friends with a policeman – [Being friends with a cop is probably better than robbing one.] weren’t making it much too hard to balance her thief self and the person she’d been raised to be. [We have no idea what kind of person she was raised to be. And there's gotta be a better way of saying "her thief self."] [That sentence wasn't a sentence; change "she didn't feel a bit too much" to "her."]

The Thief’s Girl is a Young Adult novel complete at 80,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

I don't buy Charlotte feeling bonds of friendship with the Chief of Police. She tries to rob him, he tries to get her to rat out The Spirit, she refuses, but she considers him her best buddy? Or her potential boyfriend? He's probably old enough to be her grandfather.

How does the Chief know Charlotte is working with The Spirit?

I wouldn't call the Chief/Spirit relationship a feud.

Saying the thief is more commonly known as The Spirit implies that she is less commonly known as Alessia DiSpirito. But if she's known by that name at all, it would be assumed she's female. Perhaps you should say she's known only as The Spirit. I'm surprised she told Charlotte her real name.

This needs a lot of cleaning up. Maybe you should start over and open with The Spirit:

The notorious thief known only as The Spirit takes sixteen-year-old runaway Charlotte under her wing, never suspecting that this could lead to disaster. Charlotte promptly tries to pick the pocket of the Chief of Police, opening a can of worms worthy of a spy novel.

The Chief wants Charlotte to spy on The Spirit. The Spirit wants her to distract the Chief from his investigation. Between loyalty to her mentor and blossoming friendship for the Chief, Charlotte doesn't know what to do. So she packs her belongings and heads for the Gohr prison planet, Lycus IV.


That leaves room to tell us how she plans to resolve her dilemma.

Cartoon 724

Caption: anon.

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Sunday Feature 4

Caption: Gwen Ever

Caption: Anon.

Caption: Anon.

Caption: Whirlochre

Caption: Anon.

Caption: Vivian Whetham

Caption: Roger Eschbacher

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Caption: Evil Editor

Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 816

Guess the Plot

The Last Prince of Latvia

1. When zombies overrun the palace, prince Eduard escapes on foot, shielding his younger sister, princess Aija. But to become king, the law says he needs the actual royal crown, the one they left behind on the dead--now a zombie--King's head.

2. Belissa's been in love with the prince of Latvia all her life. No other man could ever catch her eye. Problem is, he's been deposed. She signs on to a revolution that could put him back on the throne, but then the bastard breaks off their engagement! Suddenly that enemy soldier looks pretty handsome.

3. Max Tannenbaum will never become a Sigma Phi unless he can show the other guys that he can get a little action. So he dubs himself the last Prince of Latvia and hits the town with his entourage. When he falls for the Princess of Estonia, he never imagines that she has her own secret.

4. In order to fulfill his destiny as a future king, Prince Ooglesach must complete Latvia's traditional rite into manhood: a death-defying obstacle course complete with ogres, demons, and a trampoline. Informed that an attempt to seize the throne is underway, the Prince must complete the course in record time. But can he keep his dignity while bouncing on a trampoline?

5. Hopelessly outnumbered by German Crusaders, Prince Wolmar hides his people in the secret vaults below the castle. The 'wine' with which he comforts them is the result of his alchemy experiments . . . and their last hope. They wake in 2020 to a very different world and a 21st-century hangover...

6. Thanks to the miracles of modern science, the last prince of Latvia has been returned from the dead, and he is out to reclaim his family's ancestral holdings. Too bad the modern science didn't work quite as well as he'd hoped. Can he reclaim his land despite the fact that his body is falling apart?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

There has only ever been one certainty in Bellissa’s life: That she loves the Prince of Latvia. [Can't you just say she has loved him for as long as she can remember? Of course there've been other certainties in her life. It's certain that she is Latvian. Thus it's also certain that she hates all Russians with a passion. And she's not too crazy about Lithuanians, Estonians, Germans and Swedes.] Which is why she agrees enthusiastically to join a revolution that will restore her brooding childhood sweetheart, the now-deposed Prince, to his throne.

She doesn’t plan on him unexpectedly ending their engagement and breaking her heart before the fight’s begun. [He's lucky she didn't succumb to that legendary Latvian temper and throw her latte in his face.]

Hopeless and lonely, Bellissa parts from him, wishing for nothing more than to leave his memory behind her, but quickly finds herself already too tangled in his budding revolution to run far. When his enemies seek her out as a target, [When you've taken control of an entire country, you ought to have better things to do than plot against the ex-prince's ex-girlfriend. You should be cleansing the country of all your non-supporters through systematic mass murders. (I know that sounds harsh, but it's the way things have always been done.)] she is forced to remain in the Prince’s camp for her own protection, harboring a secret surety [hope] that she will soon be able to win back his affection and restore their love. But when a handsome, boyish enemy soldier is captured in their camp, Bellissa is troubled by feelings arising for a man that is not her Prince, and she begins to doubt her certainty [belief] that there is only [one] person in the world that she could ever love. [She is, however, positive there are no more than two.] [Until the Dominos guy shows up.] When The Prince’s revolution begins sooner than anticipated, Bellissa finds herself caught between two sides of a fight that could change the fate of her nation, [No need to say "sooner than anticipated"; she's caught between two sides no matter when it starts. Also, I assumed it already began, as she joined it in sentence 2 of the query.] and forced to choose between two different men that she loves.

Set in nineteenth century Europe, [If it's all set in Latvia, no need to identify the continent. We know what continent all European nations are on, with the exceptions of Moldova and Belarus.] The Last Prince of Latvia is a romance and adventure novel of 83,000 words that examines the ideas of true love, relationships, and the concept of “the one.” [These themes came through clearly enough in the plot; no need to spell them out for us.]

Thank you so much for your consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Why is Bellissa forced to choose? Can't she just wait, see how the revolution plays out, and hook up with whoever's on the winning side? Is she being pressured by both sides to perform revolution helping/hindering tasks?

How does she have enough contact with the prisoner to fall in love with him?

That long paragraph is intimidating. By which I mean, when an editor comes to a long paragraph, he usually thinks, Am I so impressed by this query so far that I'm willing to trudge through this immense tar pit of text? No, I'm not. Either divide it into two paragraphs, or remove all my blue words.

If this is a historical novel, that is, set during an actual revolution in Latvia that attempted to restore a deposed prince to the throne, that's a selling point worth mentioning.

Cartoon 723

Caption: Marissa Doyle

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New Beginning 781

As Leisha disembarked, the hot desert wind hit her like an anvil. She stumbled back into the steps already rising behind her. She was the only one travelling to the Frontierlands today, the airship was preparing for departure. She squinted against the sunlight. The excitement of travelling quickly receded; she felt small and alone and very far from home. Leisha clenched her fists. This was not some adventure holiday that she could walk away from on a whim. She had to find Hanjo.

She could just about hear what he'd have to say about this. "Pretend it's an adventure. You are the hero, on a grand quest." Hanjo always made things sound like fun. "Pretend you are an actress. Laugh in their faces."

She gave her travel box a hefty tug and dragged it into the station. She didn't expect to need it; hopefully she could return on tonight's airship and be home by morning. But she packed the box full, just in case. She had to look the part. She stopped by a reflective window and checked. Her hair was in a tight braid, her face freshly scrubbed, her dress clean and unwrinkled.

"Hello there, Frontierlands," Leisha whispered at her reflection. Then she shook her head and dragged the travel box into the station. This wasn't some Adventure Quest Film, this was for real. She had to find Hanjo.

As the station door closed behind her, providing remarkably little respite from the heat, she heard a shuffle.

"And what's a movie star doing way out here?" a man's voice asked her.

She was about to turn and laugh in his face, when she realized she recognized the voice. "Hanjo!"

"Not so difficult to find me, eh? Did you bring it?"

She pulled a small box out of her pocket.

"You're a doll. Can't believe I left it on the sink. This is no place to be without a razor, and the ones the hotels give you are next to useless. Look! They haven't closed the doors yet -- you can make it home on the same airship. How great is that? Gotta go. Registration starts in an hour and I want to network with the keynote speakers before the gala dinner. Here, buy yourself a sandwich or something, and don't forget to take the dog out or he'll crap on the carpet again, little bastard. Travel safe, babe. See ya!"

Hanjo strode away. Somehow he always made his things sound like fun. Hers? Not so much.


Opening: Sylvia.....Continuation: anon.

Cartoon 722

Caption: Gwen Ever

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Zombies!

Married with Zombies by Jesse Peterson, is now available. Amazon has it in stock, and for the Kindle. $7.99 either way. If your local store doesn't have it, they can get it fast.

Once a year EE's book chat book is chosen at auction, and Ms. Peterson made a hefty contribution to diabetes research so that we would discuss her book. A big turnout would be nice so that authors will be equally generous in future years.

Even if you never attend the chats, try to make this one. It'll be sometime in late September or early October, whatever's convenient for the author and the most minions.

Face-Lift 815

Guess the Plot

Mental Pause

1. When "Shrink-to-the-Stars" David Cohen's yacht Mental Pause is found aflame with the good doctor and three starlets dead in the galley, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: whatever Cohen was cooking up, it wasn't kosher; and Zack's wife will now insist he take her on that Caribbean cruise.

2. Susan has always been a daydreamer. One day, when off in her own world, she is startled by the realization that reality has been paused. Can she use her time-stopping powers to save the twin sister she never knew she had?

3. Hillbilly boy genius Buddy Boone tests his newly invented human catapult joyride and crash lands near a cave inhabited by old old old people who seem to be comatose -- it's the Van Winkle syndrome!!! Nothing he does wakes them, and soon he, too, is feeling very very sleepy...

4. Jared has the unique ability to kick his mind into overdrive, making the world seem to move in slow motion. Now a freshman in high-school, he decides to conquer first the sports-world, then academics, all while juggling a few girlfriends. What could possibly go wrong?

5. When Sissy's rich husband dumps her for a young babe, she's forced to pause and take stock of her life. She takes a job cleaning up blood and entrails from crime scenes. Now if she could just solve a murder, maybe that handsome cop would finally notice her.

6. Alison's new years resolution in 2024 is to watch less Tube. Not easy when Clik-It hits the surgery shelves and all her friends get implanted. Out of fashion and out of touch, Alison wonders why everyone is wearing a suit and telling the same lame jokes. The comedy turns to horror when she realizes they're all channeling late night talk show host SamG TanG! Can she turn these zombies off?



Original Version

Your Evilness,

Growing old is not for sissies, as Cecelia “Sissy” Cavanaugh is about to find out. When her husband steals her designer luggage and runs off with a younger woman who has a tight tush and perky tatas, [If the guy cared about a tight tush and titillating tatas (note added alliteration), he would have simply suggested Sissy get liposuction and a tata job. Obviously it was the designer luggage he was after.] Sissy Cavanaugh’s posh road to happiness veers off course. [Roads don't veer off course. Cars do. Roads tend to stay put. If you need a metaphor for life, you could say her Cadillac of contentment veers off course. Or her Lexus of love. Or her Mercedes of marital mirth. Any luxury car will do as long as it's alliterative. I recommend just saying her life veers off course.] She must decide whether to ask her manipulative mother-in-law for a handout or get a job. Sissy chooses the path of least resistance—a job. A job that includes cleaning crime scenes. Only she doesn’t know that part. Yet. [You don't need those last two sentences, as you never show any significance to her not knowing . . . yet.]

Instead of enjoying manicures and sipping margaritas, she’s mopping floors, scrubbing toilets and trying to balance an empty checkbook. Fearing that her country club membership will be revoked, Sissy begins to build a life that doesn’t include tee times and garden parties. [Those last two sentences say pretty much the same thing. Combine them into something that transitions into the following sentence. For instance, Having traded manicures for a mop, massages for Mr. Clean (note alliteration), Sissy rises to the top of Millie Maid, Inc., then buys out the owner.] As her career takes off, [Careers mopping floors and scrubbing toilets seldom take off. Explain.] so does her personal life. She finds herself caught between three men: her cheating husband, a wealthy widower ready for love, and a handsome cop who gives new meaning to the words hot flash. [Don't insult her intelligence by implying that she's actually considering taking back that miserable cheating slimebucket.] [Marry the rich guy, have a life-long affair with the hunk, frame the ex for a murder, and live happily ever after.]

After investigators name a close family friend as a murder suspect, Sissy is assigned to clean the crime scene. ["Listen, Sissy, you've been doing such a good job scrubbing toilets, I've decided to see how you do as crime scene technician. Your first gig is a homicide at 56 Elm Street. Apparently the guy was cut in half with a chain saw. Blood and entrails everywhere. And when he died his bowels purged themselves. Add to that the fact that the body wasn't discovered for over a week. Oh, and when the cops entered the crime scene it was so gross they all puked. They'd just come from an all-you-can-eat burrito buffet at MexiSlop. The carpet is white shag, so better bring some bleach."] When her daughter finds out, she urges Sissy to embark on a mission to find evidence and steer the investigation in another direction. Sissy finds a clue in the most unlikely place—her own home. [It's her daughter's diary, in which she confesses to being the murderer. Although that doesn't necessarily prove anything; I understand back in '63 dozens of teen girls confessed in their diaries to having committed the Kennedy assassination just to find out if their mothers were reading their diaries. Actually that would be a good conflict for this book. The mother reads the diary, discovers her daughter is the murderer. Should she let the close family friend be executed in order to avoid the loss of trust that would come with revealing she read her daughter's diary?] [And yes, you may use this idea in your book.] Armed with this new information [What new information? Oh, right, the diary.] she sets out to solve the case and comes face-to-to-face with the murderer. [Her ex-husband. Now she wants him back even more, so she can sell her story to the tabloids after he gets the needle.]

Complete at 77,000 words, Mental Pause is women’s fiction. A formerly pampered woman discovers inner strength and self-reliance while learning that crime—someone else’s— does indeed pay. [I would replace the first sentence of the query with that sentence.]

Thank you for taking the time to consider my submission,

Signed,


Notes

What's the clue she finds in her house? If you're keeping it secret because you don't want to give away who done it, note that I had no trouble guessing that anyway.

Her mission was to find evidence that would steer the investigation in another direction. Why doesn't she give the evidence to the cops instead of setting out to solve the case herself?

If you've been living the very good life, you ought to have enough assets available that you can hold out for a better job than toilet scrubber. She could probably get enough for her car and her jewelry to hire a ruthless divorce lawyer who'd see that she got the house and a healthy alimony settlement, not to mention child support.

Does solving the murder improve Sissy's financial situation or her life? Instead of telling us she's torn among three guys, did you consider focusing the query on the hunky cop as she helps him solve the case and he falls for her brilliant mind and they live happily ever after?

That all said, this has a certain appeal if you can make Sissy's rise from the ashes sound believable. Right now it sounds like she goes from inexperienced maid to CEO of a Fortune 500 company in about two weeks.

Cartoon 721

Caption: anon.

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