Monday, October 07, 2013
Guess the Plot
The Adventures of Parker Rhodes
1. When an alien comes to Earth, proclaims itself the sole ruler of the universe, and releases a pack of dog-like creatures who try to eliminate all human life, it's up to teenager Parker Rhodes to send the megalomaniac packing.
2. Fighter pilot, concert pianist, dashing spy and gifted surgeon. Not to mention sexual athlete. Postal worker Parker Rhodes sits on his enormous behind all day and dreams of adventures.
3. In this modern-day retelling of Huck Finn. Parker is a runaway fleeing the meth-dealing pimps who want her in their stable. Jim, a fellow runaway and sometime boy-toy, befriends her. They learn life on the streets sucks.
4. Instead of stealing his best friend's dad's car, singing "Twist and Shout" on a Von Steuben Day parade float, and catching a foul ball at Wrigley Field, Parker wants to amp it up. Nobody's going to remember Ferris Bueller after Parker Rhodes's day off.
5. Yessir, being a valet at Pigeon Forge is tougher than Uncle Sammy's steak, but someone's got to do it. And when your Mom named you for where you were conceived, you know a life of adventure parking cars is yours for the taking.
6. Parker Rhodes is a little gray mouse
Who lives in the walls of a little pink house
He rides on the back of a poodle named Boo
And they have to hide from the cat Ahh-Choo
Parker goes on hunts for things
Like chocolate, bread, and diamond rings
He brings his finds to his hidden lair
But will Ahh-Choo ever catch him there?
My 60,000 word novel, The Adventures of Parker Rhodes, is a young -adult sci-fi/fantasy book that follows a teenage boy on his journey to saving the world and becoming a hero in the process.
Parker Rhodes is a 14 year old boy from the small town of Wakesville, MD who is having one of the best days of his life. He just got accepted into the high school of his dreams and had an encounter with Danielle Rochester, a girl he has had a crush on since the 6th grade, but soon the day would take a turn for the worse. Upon returning home to deliver the good news to his mother,
[Parker: Guess what, Mom? I've got great news!
Mom: What is it?
Parker: I got laid by Danielle Rochester!
Mom: This calls for a celebration!]
Dorothy Rhodes, Parker is shocked to learn from the local news that the alien had [has] returned.
Parker lives in a world where aliens are old news, and widely adored. [Then why was Parker shocked to learn that some alien was back?] Three years prior an alien, which had been dubbed the Omega, crash-landed on earth [As you capitalize "Earth" everywhere else, may as well do so here.] and took the human race by surprise. [If this is a world where aliens are old news and widely adored, why are we all so surprised when an alien shows up?] During its stay, the Omega gained worldwide fame and acceptance, becoming the Earth’s biggest celebrity while its ship was being repaired, learning Earths [Earth's] languages and paying close attention to all of earth’s strengths and more importantly its weaknesses. Soon it was time for the Omega to return to space. After a huge event in the small town of Wakesville, MD, the Omega disappeared into the stars and also from the memory of man-kind. [mankind] [Three years after it was our biggest celebrity we don't even remember it? Who is it, Lady Gaga?] [If this is a world where aliens are widely adored, it's hard to believe we've forgotten our favorite alien ever. I still remember My Favorite Martian after 50 years.]
Now the Omega has returned, and is promptly greeted with open arms and adoration by earth’s inhabitants’ [inhabitants] and the Vice President. [Do we now remember the Omega, or do we think it's a new alien?] That is until the Omega turns on the human race by proclaiming itself as the sole ruler of the Universe, killing the Vice President [Anyone who spent three years studying us ought to know that our reaction to the killing of the vice president would be a lot of yawning.] and detonating a bomb, destroying the small town of Wakesville, MD. The Omega releases a pack of dog-like alien creatures from its space ship which attempt to eliminate all human life on the planet. [That would have to be a pretty big space ship if it holds enough of these creatures to wipe out all seven billion of us.]
Parker manages to survive the detonation of the bomb by hiding out in the basement of his home, but quickly discovers his mother is missing and fears she has been captured. A small band of military personal, [personnel] led by General Carter, also manage to escape the devastation of the bomb but are rendered helpless as it seems the aliens are unaffected by Earth’s weapons. Now Parker on a mission to find his mom, must team up with General Carter and his men to find the aliens [aliens'] weakness. The secret of the aliens’ defeat, an allergy to phthalate[comma] an ingredient found commonly in children’s toys, is discovered with the help of [when] Billy, a five year old boy dressed as a Wild West sheriff and separated from his parents, when he shoots his toy six shooter and surprisingly kills one of the aliens. The tide of the invasion turns in favor of earth as [Earth's militaries arm themselves with pop guns, spud guns, and Super Soakers, and] most of the aliens fall. The Omega, showing off its super human strength and speed, still prove [proves] to be too much for Earths [Earth's] heroes until a shot meant for the Omega hits Parker as well, a mistake that could have taken Parkers [Parker's] life but instead gives him the same powers as the Omega and proves to be the key to overcoming the alien threat and driving the Omega from the Earth. With Parkers’ [Parker's] new found powers, he now stands as Earths [Earth's] best hope to defeat the invaders if they ever decide to return, that is if he can learn to control them first.
I am a first time writer, but this is a story that is three-years in the making. [Coincidentally, it's three years since the alien first arrived here. Is this a true story?] Over time this story has grown, along with my imagination and has evolved from a game I played as a kid to a world all its own. [I used to play hide and seek as a kid, a pastime that evolved into my book Where's Evil Editor? Sort of like Where's Waldo?, but more challenging, as I don't wear a red and white striped shirt in every picture so you have to look for my muttonchops.] This is the first in a series which takes the protagonist across the universe [How long does it take him to get across the universe?] and follows the growth of a hero. My hope is that this book takes you on the same journey as I have taken, filled with wonder about the fate of the world and the hope that a young boy has to save it.
Thanks for your consideration.
First of all, this is not going to appeal to a young adult audience. I'm thinking 8 to 10 years old.
Secondly, there are way too many errors, especially with apostrophes. One assumes the entire book is filled with missing or misplaced apostrophes.
Wouldn't the sole ruler of the universe have better things to do than wipe out humans? Doesn't he have billions of galaxies to tend to?
Did the shot meant for the Omega that also hit Parker come from a toy gun? Why would a toy gun give Parker super powers? How could a toy gun have taken Parker's life? If it's not a toy, why were we shooting it at the alien, when we've already figured out that only toy guns can kill it? If you're going to release creatures capable of wiping out all human life, what's the point of first killing the vice president or of blowing up Wakesville? Why would General Carter team up with a 14-year-old kid to find the aliens' weakness? Hard to believe no weapon known to our military has any effect on a dog-like creature. Readers expect logical explanations for everything that happens. Do you have them?
The query is too long as it is, so better to leave out what you haven't explained than to try to explain it all.