Tuesday, October 22, 2013
Guess the Plot
Rise of Ari
1. The dingy tailor shop is open only at night. New employee David soon learns why: their clientele is all monsters. He's been given a daunting task--making pants for a three-legged demon. Can David correctly create--the Rise of Ari?
2. Seven years ago Ari's parents were slain by Sarebans. Seven days ago Ari's sister taught him the Alamfi chants for super-strength and invisibility. Seven seconds ago Ari breached the Sareban stronghold.
3. This is the story of Ari, and his rapid rise from son of a blacksmith to blacksmith, a rise aided in no small part by the death of the blacksmith.
4. From tobacco exporter to self-made billionaire shipping magnate, this is the story of Ari Onassis, and how he bagged the world's most famous widow.
5. A fully populated island of warriors rises from the depths of the Pacific and threatens to attack Hawaii if they are not provided with a fleet of destroyers and nuclear submarines. The American president accedes to their demands, and no lives are lost.
6. Ari was resigned to being a lowly soldier in the Greek army, but when he jokes that they should build a giant horse, hide inside it, and wait for the Trojans to bring them inside their city, his plan is put into action. Miraculously it succeeds, and Ari is hailed as a hero.
Dear Evil Editor,
Legends tell of voices that whisper through the Great Plains of Carnin; the wandering spirits of souls forever trapped by the stalks of golden wheat grass. [And now Spirits of Carnin mead contains this authentic "soul wheat" in bottles or on tap. That's Spirits of Carnin, for discriminating mead drinkers. Available wherever fine mead is sold.] THE KINGS OF CARNIN: RISE OF ARI is a fantasy novel, complete at 103,900 words.
The great world of Carnin holds five kings and their Kingdoms. [I think "planet" or "continent" or even "land" would be more precise than "great world."] Of these Orisgothia is known for Blistrar alloy and [Lipbalmia is known for Blistex ointment.] the swords it produces. Ari has been raised a son of the Royal Blacksmith; [In other words, his father's the Royal Blacksmith. Is it possible for the Royal Blacksmith to have a son who is raised a son of a cheese merchant?] the role he is destined to become. [No need to tell us he'll become the Royal Blacksmith when we see it happen later in the same paragraph.] Through skill and passion he produces a sword unlike any other. A sudden and devastating battle for Blistrar leaves his father dead and Ari’s world in shambles. Ari must now show the fierce King Orisgoth he is worthy of his father’s title.
Ari’s sword proves far better than imagined and finds him great favour with the King. Jealousy greets him in the soldiers he must now command. Unusual commands send Ari and his men through the Great Plains of Carnin where strange and frightening dreams rob him of his sleep and sanity. During battle, he amazes his veteran officers and soldiers alike with unworldly skill he cannot explain. Jealous, his lifetime friend Groadie finds a way to gain favour of his own at the risk of his friendship with Ari. A visit from the stranger in his dreams drives a wedge deeper between the friends. [Groadie isn't needed in the query.] [This paragraph feels like a list of things that happen, without much transition from one idea to the next.]
Convinced he is cursed, Ari ventures back into the plains, alone, to hunt and kill this strange man. What he finds instead challenges everything he believes to be true about Carnin and the five Kings. His return to Orisgothia is short lived and, despite continued valour in battle, he abandons King Orisgothia, [The king's name is Orisgoth; the kingdom is Orisgothia.] bringing the wrath of Orisgothia upon the stranger and the good people of Fent. [Fent? Is that one of the other kingdoms? If Ari abandons Orisgoth, I would expect Orisgoth's wrath to be directed at Ari, not at the good people of Fent.] Only his mysterious skill can ensure victory. [Victory over Orisgoth or over the people fighting for the Blistrar?] Devastation comes from the sky [What does that mean?] as Ari disappears and the hopes of Fent with him. The stranger and his people are scattered once again throughout the unrelenting Great Plains.
THE KINGS OF CARNIN: RISE OF ARI is a standalone novel with series potential. Thank you very much for your consideration.”
Thanks in advance!
Ari is the star. You have him disappearing to who knows where, and then your big finish is the stranger who we know and care nothing about going to the plains.
Is Kings of Carnin the title of the series? That would lead me to believe Ari rises to be king in this book. Instead, he attempts to rise to Royal Blacksmith by proving his valour, and then, on the cusp of realizing his destiny, disappears.
Focus on Ari, start to finish, addressing: What's his goal, what stands in his way, what will happen if he fails, and what's his plan?
Also, if there's something that sets this apart from other fantasies in which the nobody rises to greatness, feature it. Presumably this would involve the unusual commands Ari receives, the unexplainable skills he has, and the mysterious stranger, but all of these remain vague in the query.