Monday, October 28, 2013


Below are most of the fake plots involving vampires that have appeared here since the last time we did a vampire Guess the Plot quiz. But wait! Four of them turned out to be the actual plots of minions' novels. Which four?

1. It's been 875 years, and Ian MacNeil is ready to retire from an active life of blood-sucking to Hawaii, where an endless supply of young bodies awaits and he can admire his massive collection of velvet Elvis paintings in peace. All he has to do now is survive the roast his fellow vampires want to give him. It's just a few hours of jokes...isn't it?

2. When Bubbe, the senior center queen, became a late night snack for the undead it put an end to her days of the senior special. But not sleeping all night made her the number one buyer on the shopping channels. How much kitsch can one vampire have?

3. Gus fakes his death and attends his funeral in disguise. There he learns that Brigette had a crush on him. To win her he must return from the dead so he fakes being a vampire. But now he finds himself dealing with actual vampire hunters with their cheap crosses and stakes. Plus, Brigette wants him to turn her so they can spend eternity together.

4. Two vampires buy a gift shop at Myrtle Beach. It's the perfect spot to hunt victims, but Vlad loves being surrounded by plastic mermaids and coffee mugs, while Ramon wants to convert the place into a fine dining establishment. Talk about your odd couple.

5. Sent away to live in exile with other surly teens, Niko soon realizes something sinister lurks in the shadows. Vampires? But unlike the ones on TV they all look hideously dead and smell worse. Maybe they're zombies? No, they are Zombires, a new kind of biting monster that really is impossible to kill.

6. High school has been divided into factions since forever. Now Janie, a vampire, and her best friend Lisa, a soft-spoken mummy, plan to change all that.

7. As Josh Booth camps in the north woods, vampires capture him, binding him to a tree. He escapes and warns authorities but Detective Abby Lincoln says he’s crazy. When bodies--drained of blood--are found bound to other trees in the woods, Lincoln thinks Booth is the serial killer.

8. Archeologist Len Bianchi, exploring Rome’s oldest catacombs dating from the third century B.C., opens a crypt releasing Illuvica, the demigod vampire of felines. The Romans sealed her off over two thousand years ago. Now she’s really pissed--especially about that stupid dog thing--and wants revenge on all Italy.

9. Bored with the other vampires in the nest, Lisle goes hunting for fresh companions. Soon she's swarmed by hipsters and wanna-be's. Will she have to bite them all to find the one she wants to keep--forever?

10. Vampires hijack a space shuttle and fly it to the dark side of the moon where they won't have to spend sixteen hours a day in their coffins. But it turns out the dark side isn't always dark when you're on it, and there's no one there whose blood they can drink. Also, there's no air to breathe.

11. After siring four new vampires for Lorenzo, Kaia is entitled to her freedom. At least that's what the Hematophagy Council says. But Lorenzo won't release her unless she comes up with millions of dollars in tribute. If you can't trust a 1000-year-old vampire, who can you trust?

12. 32 year-old Jennie Rogers lied about her age to land a part on TV's "The Rose", a vampire musical dramedy aimed at teens. When hunky production assistant Gabriel Lopez threatens to expose her ruse to the director, Jennie has to decide whether to sleep with him or kill him.

13. Phoebus the vampire would have an easier time wiping out his former clan if he had an ally who was a wivern. Unfortunately, he turned the only wivern in town into a human. And then fell in love with him. Maybe they should just move to Manitoba together and get married.

14. Carels is a venomous vampire whose kiss kills instantly. Hessa is a were-cane toad whose skin secretes poison. Can they make each other happy, or will Hessa's Australian accent and mannerisms hopelessly offend Carels' haughty Silesian family?

15. Gabriel, Prince of Vampires, must find a young bride to bear his heir or his line will die, so he chooses 16-year-old Amy and Jesus H Christ I already hate this book.

16. When Gwyn learns that her childhood necklace, "the Phoenix," is the only thing keeping the sun burning in the sky, she realizes it was possibly a mistake to give it to a vampire who wants to extinguish the sun so it'll always be night.

17. Two vampires undertake an experiment in their night school science class to discover what is thicker than blood. Answer: custard.

18. For 200 years vampire Basil quietly lived in his secluded Colorado castle. When he rescues some college girls from a bear, he is instantly attracted to one of them and screw it, I'm as sick of crappy vampire novels as everyone else. Why can't he just bite a bitch and be done with it?

19. He rules . . . in the night. He's probably a vampire. And vampire books sell really, really well, so . . . he's a vampire. Yeah. That's it. A book about a vampire. Oooooo!

20. Byron Wedderburn, 18th century playboy, is bitten, rendered immortal and forced to drink toxic blood. He sleeps 250 years and awakens in Los Angeles, where he continues his hedonistic lifestyle until he runs into his old girlfriend Lenore, who's still alive because she's actually a goddess.

21. Oliver's position as supreme sovereign over the Vampire High Council is jeopardized when his rival learns Oliver's darkest secret: his human lover. Now Oliver must fight the legions to save his unborn child.

22. Ava Stanton asks President Lincoln to free all indentured vampires. The vampires don't want to be freed. They like their hours, their pensions and the blood they suck from witless citizens. They drain Ava's vital fluids, but Ava persists, even after death. It's time to call in the werewolves.

23.Vampire Joann runs an auction house auctioning orphaned children to vampires. They feed on the children’s blood. But new government regulations require daycare. It’s expensive. Then Dr. Vlad opens a phlebotomy lab across the street, selling cheap biohazard blood. Bids for children plummet. Can Joann make ends meet by taking a night job at the convenience store?

Answers below

The actual plots are numbers

11, 13, 16, 20.


CavalierdeNuit said...


Komal J Verma said...

Did you meant to asterisks against the actual plots?

Evil Editor said...

Oops. That was so I could remember which ones to put in the answer key. I was supposed to delete the asterisks. Not that any of you cheated by looking at the asterisks. I'll try to remember when I post the werecreatures GTP quiz.

PLaF said...

That was fun. I spotted a few faves. Did anyone make any progress on the 'real' novels?

Anonymous said...

I actually drafted a few scenes for #3.

CavalierdeNuit said...

I have not given up.