Friday, July 06, 2012

New Beginning 961

"Damn, he's heavier than I thought," Dylan laid the body on the stone table, covered its privates with a cotton cloth, and toweled it dry. He wanted to scream and strike out at the cause of these deaths but the reason lay protected, passed out drunk in the back of a jeep, guarded by his henchmen.

"My Daddy used to say moving a corpse is like moving a futon after its been left out in the rain. Drunks, drowning victims, and heart attacks are easy if you avoid the piss, anal seepage, and spew," Tucker said. Nothing seemed to bother Tucker's happy-go-lucky outlook on life, not even death. He'd done the dirty work of washing blood and bodily fluids from the bodies and stitching the stab wounds to hide the atrocities.

"Hardly a joking matter, Tucker. Alejandro's got us all in deep this time." Dylan turned away, unable to face his friend, and feeling sick at heart.

He'd known this youth, a bright boy, eager, and quick to learn, who hoped to be the first to go to college from his village. He didn't want to be dressing his corpse in the vain and futile hope of not being killed.

As Dylan turned to start rinsing down the sink, he heard talking and approaching footsteps.

'"...and as you'll see, the refitted kitchen is accentuated by a natural granite i-- Whaaaaaah?!!"

And that was pretty much it for HGTV's Property Virgins Live.

Opening: Dave F......Continuation: Anon.  


Evil Editor said...

Unchosen continuations:

“Aw, I know how you feel, little buddy.” Tucker threw a comradely arm about Dylan’s shoulders. “But like my daddy said, dressing a corpse can be vain or futile but not both. Just sayin’.”


"We have to put a stop to this," Dylan went on. "You heard what the Shaman said. You swallow the pill and in 24 hours you'll be powerful enough to take on Alejandro and all his guns. That's our only chance to stop this and stay alive. You think you can swallow that thing? It looked like something you'd give a horse."

"No biggie," Tucker replied. "Man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."

"Where is it, anyway?"

"Where's what?"

"The pill."

"It's there, right where I put it. Look."

Dylan looked. "How'd that...?

Tucker, that's not the pill. That's this kid's anal plug."

Tucker's happy-go-lucky grin faded from his lips.


It was not to be.

With a shuddering gasp, the boy choked awake. Eyes wide with the pain of undeath, he struck out at the thing nearest him: Dylan

A shot popped.

Dylan swung around. Tucker stood still, gun in hand, the boy's head split by a bullet.

"My Daddy used to say when you're maybe messing with a zombie, you never turn your back on it."

Dylan nodded grimly. When Alejandro sobered up, they'd have to tell him his anti-zombie sword had failed again.


Evil Editor said...

P1: Period, not comma after 'thought."

P2: I'd prefer "Tucker said" after the first sentence so I don't have to keep wondering if that's Dylan or someone else talking.

P4: No comma after eager. I don't like "vain" or "futile." If there is hope, you could call it slim. If there isn't, you could call it empty.

Dave Fragments said...

I like that continuation. HGTV will never be the same.

AlaskaRavenclaw said...

I feel like you hit half the Turkey City Lexicon on this one, but I'm too tired to figure out which half.

PLaF said...

It's comment/backstory, comment/backstory...start/stop, start/stop, sta...nah, just stop.

It might be good information, but it does not drive the story forward.

and that ending: priceless!

Mister Furkles said...

It seems to have too much tell and not enough show. Here are four examples. You should easily find better solutions more germane to your story:

P1S2 “He wanted to scream and strike out” could be something like “Dylan bit his lower lip and pounded the table with his fist; then he muttered ‘Damn them all to Hell.’”

P2S4 “Nothing seemed to bother Tucker’s happy-go-lucky outlook on life” could be something like “Dylan thought Tucker glib voice and broad smile was the most annoying thing ever until he started humming The Battle Hymn of the Republic.”

P3S3 “unable to face his friend, and feeling sick at heart.” Could be something like “Dylan suppressed a gag reflex with his fist and then looked away and shook his head.”

P4S1 “a bright boy, eager and quick to learn” could be something like “Albrecht had been the first one to solve the Rubic’s Cube and outscored the entire school on the PSAT math test.” – Well okay, I also added a name ‘Albrecht’ which can’t belong to a dummy.

Dave Fragments said...

Thanks for the comments