Thursday, July 12, 2012

Face-Lift 1048

Guess the Plot

The Great American Sellout

1. Megasuperstar bestselling writer Katie LeMans has it all: mansion on the beach, Ferrari, chef, doting husband, and maid service. And every day she asks herself: Would I be this miserable if I hadn't turned my coming-of-age opus into vampire porn?

2. When China calls in their debts, America has to choose between nuclear war or holding the world’s largest yard sale to make the money.

3. Instead of writing timeless litfic, Tom Evans, Hollywood script doctor, spins unreadable dreck into blockbuster movies. But the Malibu beach house and BMW convertible are nothing without respect, so Tom moves to Wyoming to write The Great American Novel. Soon reality sets in and he realizes selling out wasn't such a bad deal.

4. When baseball star Franklin Jefferson discovers George Washington's mother's secret recipe for apple pie, what does he do? He blackmails politicians into paying him not to publish it, then sells it to a food corporation and retires rich, of course.

5. In a dystopian post-apocalypse New Zealand, llama farmer Bilbie Haversack tries to persuade her siblings to build a raft and sail to New Hollywood in search of new breeding stock.

Original Version

[My job's a lot easier when there's nothing to post but queries for books that don't exist. This one's from Sarah Hawthorne.]

Dear Exalted One. Or Agent. You know, whoever;

Tom Evans is the richest, most successful writer that you've never heard of. Because Tom is the Hollywood script doctor - able to spin unreadable dreck into guaranteed blockbusters. But his guild won't grant him credit, his own agent is badmouthing his original work, and his friends from the NYU Master of Creative Writing program are all collaborating on a Twitter account called @TomtheSellOutEvans. Tom's had it up to here. After all, what good are the Malibu beach house, the BMW convertible, and his fully paid-off student loans without respect? Tom is finally going to go write The Great American Novel and he's going to do it as far away from Hollywood as possible: Wyoming.

Armed with a vintage typewriter and a stack of Neiman Marcus flannel shirts, Tom settles into his remote cabin and waits for inspiration to strike. Instead, he's struck by housebreaking neighbors, a kamikaze flock of sheep, apocalyptic weather, and a crippling case of Internet withdrawal. How can Tom write his novel about the good, decent people of the gentle heartland in this god forsaken hellhole? Maybe selling out isn't overrated after all...

THE GREAT AMERICAN SELL OUT is a query letter complete at 256 words. My previous credits include up to three posts a day on my Facebook page, only one and a half of which are pictures of my cats. Pages are available after you sign my confidentiality agreement (attached) so I know you won't steal my idea.



Rachel6 said...

That second paragraph nearly caused me to choke on my coffee, and the "confidentiality agreement"? GENIUS.

Sometimes, I think the fake queries are more fun than the real ones.

Mister Furkles said...

There’s no way that he wouldn’t get guild points for profitable dreck. Without dreck everybody in Hollywood would out of work. The only sin in Hollywood guilds is getting the credits wrong.

Also, it should be Pendleton Plaids.

I wonder if an M6 convertible looks as chic with snow chains?

GillyB said...

Thanks, Ms. Hawthorne, now you owe me a new keyboard. I just spat up coffee all over this one.

That was great. Especially since by the point of the last paragraph, I was actually intrigued by the query and kinda wanted to read the book.

Dave Fragments said...

That was a fun read. I like the Twitter has tag "tom the sellout"...
like Twitter rules the world.

Whirlochre said...

I got coffee, urine — and a furball.

Tk said...

Best final paragraph ever. Can we all steal it? :)

sarahhawthorne said...

@TK Dammit, I should have made you all sign my confidentiality agreement before letting you read my fake query.

Tk said...

But Sarah, what if we then steal your confidentiality agreement... :)

sarahhawthorne said...

@ tk