Friday, May 11, 2012

New Beginning 946

We buried my brother Tesha with the games-disk in his hand, his knuckles curled around the rim, now stiff as stone. We'd had to pose him while he was very newly dead, while his fingers could still bend. But we did it. Now he'd have his wish, and never have to let go of his game.

My wish, to never have to let go of my brother, went unfulfilled.

After the funeral I leaned against the games-pole to watch the villagers living out the day the way our family couldn't--the way Tesha couldn't. It was passive-aggressive, I knew: anyone who wanted to play, today of all days, would have to move me. I felt like I was guarding the goal for Tesha. Holding his spot. So what if he'd never come to claim it? That was his job, not mine. I just had to stand here.

And stand here I did, even when the Steel City Marauders, who had apparently reserved the field for their practice, showed up and started hurling their discuses my way. 

Hey, it could have been worse. They could have been throwing javelins.


Opening: 150.....Continuation: Evil Editor

6 comments:

Evil Editor said...

This is an opening of a work in progress, and may not continue much past this point.

Not sure putting the disk in Tesha's hand is essential unless the funeral is soon after the death, as rigor mortis (depending on various conditions) tends to last 18 to 36 hours.

Tk said...

I like openings that begin in people's heads, and I like this one. However, sometimes there is too much explanation going on. No one in their head calls someone "my brother Tesha" or refers to people as "the villagers" - those are authorial intrusions. I'd really love this all pared down:

We buried Tesha with the games-disk in his hand, his knuckles curled around the rim. Now he'd have his wish, and never have to let go of his game.

I didn't want to let my brother go.

After the funeral I leaned against the games-pole, watching everyone living out the day the way our family couldn't--the way Tesha couldn't. Anyone who wanted to play today would have to move me.

Evil Editor said...

I don't see this as in the narrator's head. The narrator is telling us the story. Perhaps aloud or on paper. After the fact.

Perhaps the last word being "here" rather than "there" gives the impression it's not past tense.

Dave Fragments said...

I like this.
Just reading this and not seeing the rest of the idea, I'd remove "But we did it." from the first paragraph. I don't think it is necessary.

Then I might recast the last four sentences of the third paragraph in line with the rest of the story. I think right now those sentences are too much and might stop the flow from the what follows.

One thing I know about my openings is that once I hit the end of the story and all the plot twists and turns are settled and the point is made, the opening gets tweaked to match all that development. This opening feels good for the start of a story. It might survive the end.

Rachel6 said...

Someday, I want to read the rest of this story....

The continuation made me snicker. :)

BuffySquirrel said...

Although I'm unconvinced that 'My wish, to never have to let go of my brother, went unfulfilled' couldn't be improved, I am sure that 'I didn't want to let my brother go' is not an improvement. 150's line has voice.

I'd move 'stiff as stone' so it applies to Tesha's fingers rather than the rim of the disk. So, "We buried Tesha with his games-disk, his knuckles, now stiff as stone, curled around the rim".

Because you have the detail of the curled knuckles, you don't need to tell us the disk's in his hand.

I'm not sure the high level of self-awareness in the third paragraph works in someone who's grieving. I'd take out the reference to being passive-aggressive. But, overall, I liked this.