Monday, May 14, 2012

One-Day Auction of Evil Editor Underway

This is the day I'm auctioning myself off in the Brenda Novak Auction. After 14 hours the bidding has reached $2.00. That's not bad, but I think we can do better.

I attribute the lack of bidding to all of the following:

1. It's Monday. Agents work Tuesday through Thursday. How did my auction get stuck on a Monday?

2. Agents are thinking, Sure, EE has a bigger platform than all my clients combined, but his minions are cheapskates who won't buy his books.

3. Agents are thinking, If I wanna donate to the Brenda Novak auction, I'd rather donate a service like reading some idiot's proposal than any of the money I earned last week by mailing stuff.

4. Agents are thinking, Publishing has seen enough changes that threaten my job lately. The last thing we need is for agents to bid on a client and this starts a trend, and next thing you know I'm spending more time monitoring client auctions than on my real duties like making phone calls and mailing stuff.

5. Agents are thinking, If I had a client as big as Evil Editor (and I'm not talking about his girth) and I couldn't even sell his books, I'd be the laughingstock of the publishing world. It would be worse than getting Stephen King as a client and not being able to sell his next book.

6. Agents are thinking, If I bid now it'll just drive up the price. If I wait till the auction's over I might be able to get EE for free, and if that means diabetes doesn't get cured this year, well, so be it.

7. Agents are thinking, If I spend $7.00 to get EE as a client, that's $7.00 I could have spent bidding on an autographed copy of The Duchess and the Gardener.

8. Agents are thinking, I know nothing about this auction, as I don't follow Evil Editor's blog or Tweets, and never heard of Evil Editor or Brenda Novak, and have no idea why I'm thinking this.

9. Agents are thinking, If I bid on EE my fellow agents will think I'm desperate for clients and they'll all be snickering at me. Sure, I could bid anonymously, but what if EE goes on The Daily Show to promote his book and reveals that I bid on him? I wouldn't be able to show my face at Sardi's.

10. Agents are thinking, He's the world's most famous editor. He won't listen to any of my suggestions, and this will annoy me even though he'll be right all the time. If there's anything worse than a man who thinks he's right all the time, it's a man who is right all the time.

Bonus Reason: The Agent Code forbids raiding another agent's client list. Someone already placed a bid. To outbid that person would be like breaking the Prime Directive.


AlaskaRavenclaw said...

Only $7 to find out if Evil Editor is really a babe?! If I was an agent I'd be all over that like "stet" on a manuscript.

BuffySquirrel said...

OTOH, I'm thinking...hmmm, if I win, he'll have to send me all his books *at his own expense*.


Bonnee Crawford said...

Do I win by default if I promise to bake you cookies, even though I'm not actually an agent? :D

Whirlochre said...

Clearly, Hannah Rogers is having her nails done...

BuffySquirrel said...

$2. Did potential bidders get a preview of the books?

Evil Editor said...

No. No one requested a preview. And I would have been insulted if they had. I mean, if Philip Roth or Neil Gaiman were auctioning off the opportunity to represent them, would you request sample chapters? No. You'd think, Holy shit! My career is made if I can just outbid everyone else.

AlaskaRavenclaw said...

Mm, if it were Philip Roth I'd think "Too risky. Sooner or later the public is gonna get sick of buying rough drafts."

Evil Editor said...

...and even if he's already made me a million dollars I'd have to start looking for a replacement client. Nope, not worth it.

BuffySquirrel said...

I was very tempted to bid, EE, but I tripped over the requirement to be reputable.