Thursday, May 31, 2012

Amusing Excerpt 2

Actual (or not) amusing (or not) excerpts from (or not from) minions' WIPs. If you have constructive criticism or unadulterated praise, feel free to comment.

Setup: Our protagonist, his invisible Dog, and a little girl who's also a bird, all on a train. Our protag, who's recently lost his name, has just noticed that a piece of the train's wall is trying hard to convince him not to look at it. (the italics are telepathic speech.)

Curious that a bit of wooden panelling should have an opinion.
Dog, is someone there?
Dog seemed to think there was. He could smell them.
Anyone we know?
Nobody I know. But I only know one Nobody.
He followed that sally up with a dog laugh.
"You can't hide from my Dog," I told the panelling. But it seemed to think it could. "We won't hurt you, anyway."
I could bite them. Like Jade.
Dog, what did I just say?
No answer. Unless he was sticking his tongue out at me and I couldn't tell.
If you were a masking bird, maybe the sudden arrival of an invisible Dog was enough to send you into hiding. But when someone offered you peaceful terms, you ought to show yourself.
I sat down next to Dog and concentrated. This person couldn't know me very well. Maybe I could force them to show themselves.
Then I wondered if that was kind. Maybe they really were frightened.
Or maybe they were sticking their tongue out at me. I couldn't tell.
"Come on, show yourself. I know you're there. Dog knows you're there, too."
"I won't," said a girl's voice. "And you can't make me."
I looked down at Dog, who may have been looking up at me. "A girl, Dog."
"You'll get bored before I do."
I lobbed the ball at the appropriate panel. "Catch!"
Flickering into view, the girl hurled the ball back at me. "You cheated!"
"We cheated," I told Dog. "And so we won."



Dave Fragments said...

I don't know what to say.

Rachel6 said...

Hahaha, I'd read the story! I don't know why I enjoy telepathy and devilish trickery so much, but I do.

vkw said...

Hmmm, interesting. It's got that Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy mixed with literary fiction feel to it.

Or a cool comic book.

I'm not sure I'd read on. I'm a lazy reader. This made me have to think, which I don't want to do for entertainment.


BuffySquirrel said...

Thanks, Rachel. Also, Dave!

Maureen said...

That sounds like it could be a glorious story!

Anonymous said...

Loved, loved, loved the opening sentence to this. Made me want to read more.

Tk said...

I thought it was funny everyone was invisible, in hiding, or talking telepathically - very secretive characters :) Love the wryness of the last line.

sarahhawthorne said...

I like it! I definitely want to read more.

PLaF said...

I also found echoes of the Hitchhiker's Guide in this. The concept of a telepathic invisible dog is funny enough. I would read more.

BuffySquirrel said...

Thanks, people :). I confess, I don't see the HHGTTG similarities.