1. In the mystyc land of Faeyrynn a young fey must fight to reclaim his throne and . . . oh, hell. You've already stopped reading, haven't you?
2. Remus Longbow is a plucky orphan destined to find a sword, become a mighty warrior, and then die in combat with the dragon Illuvica before the real hero shows up.
3. When Dr. Shortbread synthesizes a new molecule he calls Illuvica, he has no idea that he has created a substance making people irresistible to the opposite sex. Which is useless to him because he's gay. Can he destroy the substance before his boyfriends all defect?
4. Archeologist Len Bianchi, exploring Rome’s oldest catacombs dating from the third century B.C., opens a crypt releasing Illuvica, the demigod vampire of felines. The Romans sealed her off over two thousand years ago. Now she’s really pissed--especially about that stupid dog thing--and wants revenge on all Italy.
5. Andi Smirnov, the only human still living on a generational starship, survives alone, becomes a cyborg, and finds happiness with the ghost of the ship on a new world.
6. Parry goes to Illuvica to sell pumpkins. But war suddenly breaks out and Parry's big brother Leo is jailed for murdering the king. Can Parry save Leo and Illuvica? More importantly, can he do so without magic, which is a no-no?
Dear Evil Editor,
Parry Vine can’t wait to travel to a nearby kingdom to help his brother and sister sell pumpkins from their family farm. [Yes, selling pumpkins does sound exciting.] [Basically it means standing next to a pile of pumpkins all day and occasionally someone takes one and gives you five dollars. Though in olden days it was more like five cents.] But when they arrive in Pierceland [So named because all the inhabitants have piercings], excitement quickly turns to despair. Parry’s brother Leo is thrown in jail and falsely accused of poisoning King Radkor. [Kings generally have enough bodyguards around them to prevent pumpkin merchants from slipping poison into their mead. Plus they have food tasters. Plus, even if the king's chef bought a pumpkin, he wouldn't feed it to the king raw, so how quickly could the king have been poisoned by Leo?]
The beloved king’s death throws all three kingdoms of Illuvica into chaos, [What is Illuvica? A planet? A continent? A video game?] with the Vine siblings in the middle of it all. Parry gets his hands on an important artifact that could buy Leo’s freedom, as long as he can deliver it to the right person.
[Parry: They think my brother murdered the king. I need to get him out of jail before they hang him.
The Right Person: I hear you have the fabled Scissors of Endor. Perhaps we can work out a deal.]
War breaks out, and Nora is caught in the crossfire, [Nora? Who's Nora? Ah, is that the sister mentioned way back in the first sentence? If you name the siblings in sentence 1 it'll save having to later identify them.] searching for a way to help the soldiers without getting in the way herself. [Drop Nora from the query. She's only there for eye candy.] Meanwhile, Leo attempts to escape from prison with no help from his cellmate, a clever princess with a sharp mind but a cold shoulder. [They lock the guy suspected of poisoning the king in a cell with the princess?] [There's a reason men and women aren't put in the same cell: jail is supposed to be punishment.]
And beyond the battlefield, someone is plotting another murder and scheming to break the bonds that have kept magic out of Illuvica for over a century.
If the Vine siblings ever want to return safely to their hometown, they must reunite and work together to stop magic from being released. [The place is at war. And releasing magic would worsen the situation?] But in spite of what he has been told about the dangers of magic, letting it loose might be the only way for Parry to emerge from the shadow of his older siblings. Will Parry put everyone he loves in danger to achieve his dreams? [What has been told about the dangers of magic?] [What are these dreams Parry wants to achieve?]
ILLUVICA, a young adult fantasy novel, is complete at 65,000 words and would work as a stand-alone novel or as the first installment in a series. [How old is Parry? As the youngest of the siblings, and the star of the show, I assumed this was middle grade. Are high school kids gonna want to read about Parry the pumpkinmonger?] [Parry the Pumpkinmonger would be a good title if you convert it to a children's picture book.]
I am an award-winning composer of choral music and a middle school band teacher. [Please buy my book for six figures and set me free.] When I’m not teaching seventh graders to play “Hot Cross Buns” [If you'd teach them something by Maroon 5 or Gaga they might stop hating you.] I am usually blogging about the books I read or sewing costumes for comic book conventions and renaissance faires.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
The main issue here is the release of magic. Apparently the release of magic will help Leo get out of jail and help Parry achieve his dream. But . . . But what? What's the downside of releasing magic? How does it put everyone in danger?
Why does the death of Pierceland's king throw the other kingdoms into chaos?
This is mainly a list of a few things that happen. We don't need to know what Nora's doing or that Leo tries to escape from prison or who his cellmate is. Focus on Parry's goals (to free Leo and achieve the dream of emerging from his siblings' shadow?), his plan, and what's at stake if his plan backfires.
Somehow saying Parry can't wait to help his brother and sister sell the pumpkins doesn't sound like the same kid who's trying to emerge from their shadows. Or maybe it sounds like the same kid but not at the same age.