Friday, April 13, 2012

Face-Lift 1018


Guess the Plot


Shadows in the Forest

1. Hiking in the forest, Ami finds a box of trinkets. Could each of them be a trophy from some serial killer's thirty-year murder spree? She thinks so. But can she avoid becoming the killer's next victim?

2. TV talking heads say people can’t see the forest for the trees. Nick figures it’s because the canopy creates shadows. So he strings lights in the forest to eliminate them. It irritates nocturnal creatures so much they kill hundreds of people.

3. Attempting to determine whether a tree falling in the forest with no one around makes a sound, philosopher August Pendragon sets up microphones and cameras and waits for a tree to fall. She never actually catches a falling tree on film, but does discover that trees in the forest have no shadows when no one's around.

4. When the body of former Disney kiddie star - turned - singer Amber Wallenski turns up in the trunk of a rental car, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: She didn't get that poison oak rash in a recording studio, and maybe he really needs to talk his youngest daughter out of a Disney singing career.

5. In the great coast redwood forests lives a secret: a society of faeries, who have the chameleon-like ability to blend with their surroundings. When 13-year-old Kai catches DaNaShi in a bird feeder, will their world be exploited--or will he have the best Science Fair exhibit ever?

6. Midnight. Judy the Psychic gets contacted by two kids lost in a forest, being followed by something that makes a big shadow and growls and noisily gnashes its teeth. Maybe a bear. All her kindly henchmen are asleep so Judy sends an evil elf to the rescue.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

With a typhoon raging overhead and a killer somewhere nearby, bound and beaten Ami Sato's certain of only one thing: she must survive.

To recuperate [Whoa. Is she still bound? Is the killer still nearby? What about the typhoon? Doesn't she have to escape from her hopeless predicament before she starts recuperating?] and get her head straight, Ami decides to spend the spring renting a remote cabin in Japan's countryside. [It's a decision she'll be acting on as soon as she manages to untie these ropes.] Here, she forces herself to confront [she confronts] the mistakes she's made in her life. [For instance, wandering alone in the Forest of Typhoons and Serial Killers.] While hiking in the woods, she finds a hidden antique, wooden box of trinkets. One item, a pendant with a name inscribed on the back, catches her eye.

With that pendant and the help of a friend, [How remote can this cabin be if she has a friend nearby?] Ami discovers a [an] unsettling pattern of murders in the area spanning thirty years, souls trapped between life and death, and just how strong her will to live really is. She must overcome her own inner weaknesses before she becomes the killer's next victim. [Is this the same killer she was bound and beaten by? Maybe after she escaped from the killer the first time she should have rented a remote cabin on one of Japan's other islands instead of in the same forest he's been killing people in for thirty years. Just saying.] [What are these inner weaknesses she has to overcome to avoid getting killed? Explain why she can't flee to Tokyo instead of overcoming her inner weaknesses.] At first, all she wants is [wanted was] to get her head straight. Now all she wants - is to keep it. [That's the second time you've used the phrase "get her head straight."]

SHADOWS IN THE FOREST is a 78,000 word mystery with paranormal elements. Per your submission guidelines, I have included [***]


Notes

If this is paranormal, more about that aspect would be helpful. I assume the souls trapped between life and death belong to the killer's victims? Although a killer's victims are usually completely dead. Are they zombies?

I'm not clear on the timeline. We open with Ami bound and beaten by a killer. Then she moves to a remote cabin to recuperate, but she's still worried about the same guy killing her? Is the killer human?

Maybe we should start with Ami moving to a remote cabin to meditate on the mistakes she's made in her life, one or two of which you might specify. Then she finds the box, at which point you might specify how this reveals thirty years of murders and souls trapped between life and death. Then the killer captures her (for the first or second time), or she foils him/her/it.

In other words, tell us a story. Right now all we have is a list of events. She moves to a cabin, finds a pendant, discovers a pattern of murders, survives by overcoming her weaknesses. We need elaboration on this stuff. Specific details, cause and effect, ideas building on each other.

9 comments:

Wilkins MacQueen said...

Instead of jump starting the reader in each paragraph to figure out where we are/what you didn't tell us try connecting them.

Read the archives to get your bearings. Confusing and missing step by step progression.

The disjointed/disconnect can be remedied. Read this through again in a couple of weeks. You're too close to it and assume we know where you are taking us.

Fixable.

AlaskaRavenclaw said...

Writer, I think you just made me realize something brand new about the English language. Adjectives describing temporary states should not precede a character's name when we've just met her. And 's shouldn't follow it.

Works: With a typhoon raging overhead and a killer somewhere nearby, elderly Ami Sato is certain of only one thing: she must
survive.


Doesn't work: With a typhoon raging overhead and a killer somewhere nearby, wet and cranky Ami Sato's certain of only one thing: she must survive.

Neither of 'em work beautifully, though. That opening line is 1. too crowded and 2. doesn't logically precede the next line. I know there are tons of sites out there saying you must open your query with a log line. They are wrong.

Honestly there's some awkward language in this query.

Arisuzawa said...

Thank you for the comments!
Here is a slightly different version. The actual story jumps around from 'present' time to two days before, leading up until the events parallel. The opening sentence I was trying to use as a hook, but you are right. The sequence makesnt confusing.
Do you thinkt his is any better?
------


With a typhoon raging overhead and a killer nearby, bound and beaten Ami Sato has only one thing on her mind: she must survive.

Two days before the sudden typhoon, Ami rents a cabin in the countryside city of Kamogawa, Japan. After surviving a car wreck, to which she is partially responsible, she hopes the isolation and time alone with her thoughts will force her to confront recent mistakes she's made in her life. While hiking in the woods, she finds a hidden box of trinkets. One item, a pendant with a name inscribed on the back, catches her eye. Accidentally cutting herself on the pendant allows her to communicate with souls trapped inside.
 
With that pendant and the help of a friend, Ami discovers an unsettling pattern of murders in the area spanning thirty years. Tormented by visions of murders in the very cabin she sleeps in, her fragile sanity begins to crack. When she trusts the wrong person, trapped far from the nearest town, she must escape before she becomes the killer's next victim.

-----------
I know this still needs work, but I am grateful for any further comments/suggestions you or others have. Thank you!

Evil Editor said...

This is certainly better. We now know she's recuperating from a car accident, while it previously sounded like she was recuperating from her ordeal. You now have her renting a cabin in a city, yet she's later claimed to be far from the nearest town.


A reorganization of your 2nd version:


After surviving a car wreck for which she is partially responsible, Ami Sato hopes that time alone with her thoughts will help her confront mistakes she's made in her life. She rents a remote cabin in the countryside north of Kamogawa, Japan.

Hiking in the woods, Ami finds a pendant that allows her to communicate with souls trapped inside it, souls of murder victims who met their fates in these same woods. She returns to her cabin as an unexpected typhoon approaches.

Tormented by visions of murders in the very cabin she inhabits, Ami's fragile sanity begins to crack. Is the killer prowling the woods, even now? She knows only that she must find safety before he can make her his next victim.


I could have taken it to the point at which he breaks in and binds and beats her, but it's not clear why he then apparently goes for a walk in a typhoon, giving her a chance to escape, so maybe it's best not bringing that up at all.

Is one of Ami's goals to free the trapped souls? Does she have to kill the killer to free them?

Arisuzawa said...

Thank you, Evil Editor. To clarify, Kamogawa is a fishing and farming area. There's a small, but most of Kamogawa extends farther out. Aside from farms (rice), bamboo forests, pigs and wild monkeys, there's nothing else out there. Oh, Sea World too.

You are right. I should probably not mention the bound part. The killer binds her hands but she escapes into the woods. So, that's how he ends up stomping around out there during a typhoon.

Yes, she wants to free the trapped souls. Through the visions they reveal bits and pieces of what happened to the, making it obvious to her that they want her help. But she's not too keen on telling anyone about the visions. When she trusts the wrong person, the killer finds out and comes after her.

AlaskaRavenclaw said...

If you agree about losing the log line, then lose the log line :).

After surviving a car wreck, to which she is partially responsible...

This line makes me think English is not your native language. ("To" vs "for" is confusing to many English language learners.) If that's the case, and if your first language is Japanese, I guess my question is wouldn't it make more sense to write in Japanese?

Laurie said...

I think EE has nailed it, though you'd need to continue from there a little bit.

I like the basic story here, and I like the idea of trapped murdered souls who can speak to the heroine.

sarahhawthorne said...

I really like all the story elements here. But I would like to hear a little more about how the paranormal works in your story - is Ami comfortable dealing with ghosts or are they freaking her out? What is her relationship to the souls - are they helpful or demanding?

Also, "The Forest of Typhoons and Serial Killers" would be a great band name.

Wilkins MacQueen said...

The last paragraph in you response to EE's second set of comments is clear and could be, perhaps should be put in the query.

That 'graph is so clear. Laborious work. You're making great strides.