Face-Lift 1017

Guess the Plot

Vis Decor: Alphi

1. On the planet Vis Decor, the light-skinned race rules the dark-skinned race. Light-skinned teenager Alphi wants to change all that. What sets this apart from similar books is that both races are marine animals!

2. An author's ingenious plan to give her book an incomprehensible title so that curious readers will pick it up backfires, as readers assume it's a mis-shelved Latin textbook and ignore it.

3. When it's time for rock star Alphi to decorate his new penthouse, he goes straight to Judy the Psychic for help choosing a theme. She says pirate shack in orange, olive, and fuchsia. All hammocks, no sofas. What a sensational look! But the guests keep falling off their seats or sliding together in a way that's a little too chummy.

4. The Vis Decor Co. are known as the baddest interior decorators in town. When a new outfit, Alphi Interiors, moves in on their territory, there's only one way to settle this. It's pistols at dawn... but the Alphi crew turn out to be werewolves.

5. Renaldo and his brother Gianni want to expand their posh decorator boutique. When they find runaway Al digging in the dumpster, they befriend him and bring him in. But will the newly-christened "Alphi" be a boon to their business, or will his scheming tear the couple apart?

6. The first in a series of books that teach children the Greek alphabet. To be followed by Vis Decor: Betty, Vis Decor Gumby, and Vis Decor Deli. Alphi, Betty, Gumby and Deli use colorful illustrations depicting items that start with the same letter as their names. Still trying to come up with a character for book 5, Epsilon.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Silence is the best form of censorship. In an underwater village on the planet Vis Decor, no one speaks [I don't think that has as much to do with censorship as with the fact that when they try to speak their mouths fill up with water and fish.] as the light-skinned Pures rule the dark-skinned Greys. [This is the same plot as Face-Lift 1015 except that the Black-skinned race are now Grey-skinned and everyone's skin looks like prunes.] [By "no one speaks" do you mean no one speaks out?] Only one sixteen-year-old Pure grasps this injustice-- [Even the Greys don't grasp it?] and her innocent call for equality whips her village into a mob. [Equality is fine in theory, kid, but who's gonna do all the menial labor?]

Forced to flee her own home, the only refuge left is her uncle’s –literally—magical city. But even the huge city with all its twirling buildings can’t keep her happy, [Does she have a name?] and her joy is shot dead [What joy? You just said she wasn't happy.] when the President--her uncle--brutally tortures a Grey. [Usually when you've attained the presidency of a place, you delegate the torturing to your underlings. And you don't invite your niece to enjoy the show.] There is no way out, no matter how much she tries to find one -- [A way out of the city? Of her predicament?] until the Grey rebels attack her own family. And when they do, she joins them. [Did they attack the family she left behind or her uncle?]

The rebels are the family Alphi longed for, ones who, above all, value her ideas. [Whose ideals she values?] But the declaration of war [Which side declared war?] sends everyone up in arms, and although Alphi is left crying for peace, she knows only a war can stop her uncle. [Sounds like her uncle has a bigger goal than quashing a rebellion. What is it?] The line between right and wrong has never been so blurred, [When you willingly join a group who are attacking your own family, I'd say you've decided the line between right and wrong is crystal clear.] and neither of her families will be able to guide her through the bloodshed yet to come.

VIS DECOR: ALPHI (118,000) is a completed YA high fantasy with strong series potential. I have been published in two separate editions of A Celebration of Poets.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,


Notes

What's it all about, Alphi?

Dump the first sentence; it's not clear what it has to do with anything.

No need to describe the city as "literally magical" if that doesn't come into play in the query. If the Pures have magical powers that's more important to know than that buildings twirl.

Give Alphi's name up front, and focus on her from start to finish.

Is skin color the only difference between Pures and Greys? Instead of light and dark, make them dolphins and porpoises.

Is the uncle president of the city? Country? Planet?

The rebels aren't gonna trust the president's niece to the extent that she has the power to alter the course of a planetary war. (Unless they threaten to kill her if the president doesn't meet their demands.) Is this just a city of haves vs. villages of have-nots situation like in The Hunger Games? Or is it a major war?