270 pounds of flab in a suit that looked like he'd worn it every day for two years. Wheezing from his cab-to-front-door stroll like he'd just run a marathon. Hair like an abandoned bird's nest. In retrospect, I should have asked for a new table when he was seated next to us.
The staff was all over him like he was some hotshot movie star. Orson Wells, only bigger and more full of himself. "No menu," he said. "Bring me Scotch, a whole bottle. Tomato bisque. And a deep-fried leg of lamb." He moaned loudly as the waiter ran off. Then he looked at me and said, "What are you looking at, loser?" To Helen he said, "You can do a lot better than this fuck, honey."
Mercifully, his bottle of Scotch arrived, distracting him. He chugged a quarter of the bottle and then grunted like a rutting water buffalo. Helen was looking at him with pure disgust, like he was some mutant hog who'd just climbed out of a vat of raw sewage.The gargantuan slob took another swig and howled like a wolf as his soup arrived. He groaned and fell face-forward into the tomato bisque and came up looking like the angry sunburned ass of a Hamadryas baboon. I glanced at Helen. She was heaving like a dog preparing to puke up the roadkill possum it ate two days ago.
Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a devastatingly handsome gentleman with muttonchops came up, forcibly escorted the bloated ox-creature out of the restaurant, and returned, taking his table. Then, as if I weren't even there, he turned to Helen and said, "I'm Evil Editor. I know of a more romantic place, if you'd care to join me?"
The nerve of the guy! And she went with him! I couldn't believe it. I sat there in a stupor, feeling angry and deceived and screwed . . . and yet at the same time, feeling wildly jealous . . . of Helen.
--EE
20 comments:
And the unknown speaker is named Menelaus while EE's real name is Paris? The face that launched a thousand books.
deep-fried leg of mutton!
Baboon's sunburned ass!
Roadkill Possum!
A romantic at heart.
LMAO!! I was cracking up at the descripton of what I thought was EE and by the 2nd para I carefully put down my beverage, swallowed thorough and cleared my throat before reading on.
"He groaned and fell face-forward into the tomato bisque and came up looking like the angry sunburned ass of a Hamadryas baboon."
I am sure the perfection of that imagery will linger in my mind for days.
Good thing no consumables were at hand (or mouth) because the twist:
"Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a devastatingly handsome gentleman with muttonchops came up,"
was a definite spew-maker. Wonderful way to begin the results post!!
I'm incredibly turned-on now.
OK- you had me. I really thought what you wanted us to think, that the big, mean moose guy was you.
(What the hell? You been takin' pone lessons from ril or somethin'?)
Then you work us through your version of "the likes" --- (note the fancy schmancy italics, please)---
grunted like a rutting water buffalo
like he was some mutant hog who'd just climbed out of a vat of raw sewage
howled like a wolf as his soup arrived
and my two favorites...
looking like the angry sunburned ass of a Hamadryas baboon. I glanced at Helen. She was heaving like a dog preparing to puke up the roadkill possum it ate two days ago
Also, who the hell is Helen?
Helen! Who was Helen?
Helen of Troy, was daughter of Zeus and Leda, wife of king Menelaus of Sparta and sister of Castor, Polydeuces and Clytemnestra. Her abduction by Paris brought about the Trojan War. Helen was described as having "the face that launched a thousand ships.
It's obviously the start of an upgraded Illiad and Oddyssey (not misspelled). Ill and Odd.
Hee hee! I thought that it was you first too and then you threw us with the handsome muttonchops - oxymoron you know. ANd "heaving like a dog preparing to puke up the roadkill possum" has got to be the greatest line in the history of writing!
Well, thank God for that, Dave.
I feel stupid, and yet relieved.
Blogger is acting strange. I don't know if EE got my last comment.
I was just saying this is how I damn near ruined my computer. Spilled coffee all over the keyboard laughing too hard. Damn you, EE!
I'm not sure if it is ruined, actually. The cursor works for a while, and then starts to go spastic. I have to shut down the computer for days at a time to get it to work again. Sigh.
EE - are you sure you want to be an editor? Sure looks like you'd prefer the writing life and living out your fantasies - on paper - like the rest of us.
What a great entry!
Helen's the squeeze he hides in his closet every time you women pop in for a conjugal visit.
Keep this up, EE, and nobody's gonna be left to read your award-worthy, uh, stuff. First you go faking out security software so it shuts out your site. And now freddie's having to shut down her computer because YOU made her spill coffee all over her keyboard. Is that the plan, then? Use that icy wit of yours to freeze all our computers? Put them out of commission while you go off and spend your 12.4945 million dollars and not share a dime with the rest of us? Remember, we made you. Without us, you wouldn't be where you are today: sitting alone in a restaurant on Valentine's Day with stacks and stacks of Novel Deviations waiting for you at home. Think about THAT while you're jet-skiing in the Bahamas and the rest of us are off buying new computer equipment at Best Buy.
I was going to ask you, EE, if you could throw a little of your 12.5 mil my way for a new computer, but I'm pretty sure you'll ask for my account number so you can wire the funds . . .
Nice twist at the end. And then again. So you think you're handsome, huh? Prove it!
Oooh McK. You're a brave one!
I think he made the whole thing up!
Yeah, Tal. You got your pic posted!
Analogy overload! This was hilarious. Lovedthe twist. Will EE ever peak?
EE has a few references of roadkill throughout his blog. And this is the second time I've noticed a Helen.
I will try to search...
;-)
Yay, Tal! But I was expecting a mole. Maybe this is one in disguise?
Phoenix, the pic is a closeup of the snout of a star-nosed mole.
Post a Comment