Why you don't get published.
Monday, July 30, 2007
New Beginning 327
“Half breed,” Varick whispered, running his finger down her cheek. “You lack the courtesy even to make yourself beautiful.” He clucked his tongue. “It is such an easy change, Helaine.”
Helaine flinched when she felt his magic touch her, softening her facial features and lightening her complexion. She glared at him through her now larger, more expressive blue eyes. “I prefer my natural form.”
“You lack the energy to change,” Varick said, his tone gentle. “You do honor to your Ia heritage, dying in beauty.”
“You seek to kill me for that heritage,” Helaine replied, closing her eyes. She was tired from her fight with him, from matching her magic to his. His last attack had felled her, another could kill her. It was fortunate that he underestimated her strength. He may kill her, but she would wound him first.
Varick nodded, slowly drawing energy from the dying plant life. “The blood of deity must run pure.”
“Deity? You are not a god.”
Varick’s eyes narrowed; thunder rumbled in the distance.
Helaine breathed deeply. “Shibbolox of Var is a deity,” she said, and saw him flinch. Each battle is won through small victories.
“You always have to bring him up don’t you?” he said. “Shibbolox’s parents own the Fradial nectar fields.”
“I’m just saying. Shibbolox of Var has his own ethereal plane.” She had found his weakness and felt the wind of battle turning in her favor.
“Perhaps you should have married Shibbolox of Var, then.”
“Perhaps. I had the chance. Shibbolox of Var never told me, You lack the courtesy to make yourself beautful.” Power rippled through her soul.
“They say the Gods are blind.” Varick chuckled and birds fell from the skies. “By Thunder, if I hadn't given up my studies to raise our child ...”
Helaine smiled and played her trump card: “Your omniscience fails you, Varick; you do not see that Shibbolox of Var wields a Thunder Staff both greater and more potent than your own.”
Opening: Luney.....Continuation: ril
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10 comments:
I really enjoyed this, and I'm not a fantasy reader. I was really pulled in, and wanted to read more. My only nit would be that I think you begin too many sentences with "You" in the beginning. Just a personal preference to vary sentence construction....
Ril, the continuation was awesome, as always!
Unchosen Continuation:
“Your people believe I am and that is all that matters.”
His casual arrogance was like the softest whisper of a breeze on the dying ember of her rage, but it was enough to ignite the ember into flame. Her eyes still closed, Helaine fed the flame – the images of their recent battle were the kindling that she needed. The fire was burning brightly as she opened her eyes. She rolled a half turn, out of his grasp and managed to lift herself into a squat. Her blue eyes locked on his as she cupped her hand beneath her robes and collected a soundless stream of piss, hoping it would be enough. With her last ounce of strength, she flung the silvery liquid at Varick. She smiled before his screams even reached her ears.
“I’m melting, I’m melting !” he moaned, dissolving into a puddle of silk and fur.
--ME
I was intrigued by the situation. But when I read that the two characters had just been having a big dramatic fight, I was puzzled. This is your opening? Can you back it up to where they started fighting and why? Or is this one of those Prologue openings where Helaine has actually been dead for twenty years when the main story begins?
Grammar police comment: "He may kill her" should be "He might kill her."
mb
Reading this, I get the feeling of wading through molasis. It is slow like a glacier.
Either one of three things happen after this:
a) Varick Kills Helaine. In which case, he's evil and she's a symbol of the opposite of that evil.
b) They screw madly and passionately with great fervor and repeatedly. Have many babies and populate a planet with a new race. There is a smoldering heat lurking in this writing.
c) Varick let Helaine live or Helaine escapes. Either way, she returns to beat the crap out of him and defeat wheatever "dark and evil thing" he represents. A standard plot. Consult Peter's Evil Overlord List, Cellblock A or B.
Shibbolox? Shibbolox?
Wasn't that the little sign on the door that Delicatessens used to put up when they baked fresh bagels so gourmands, gourmets and good Jews could partake of the Lox?
I liked this opening a lot, especially the first three paragraphs. I'll nitpick it a little bit.
It was fortunate that he underestimated her strength.
How did he underestimate her strength? It sounds like he won the fight.
He may kill her
might kill her
Except for those nitpicks, I thought it was great!
This felt like a strange start to me. Like I'd missed the action, or, even more weirdly, that they were stopping for a nice philosophical discussion before pounding one another again.
Well, I think I remember these two characters wind up sharing a kiss from the First Kiss exercise we did awhile back. :o)
I have to agree with Anon and Mckoala. Is this really the first page of your story? I feel a bit asea, which can be a good thing if that's the kind of book you've written, but this story doesn't seem to lend itself to that keeping your reader outside their comfort zone conceit.
And my taste runs with Takoda on the use of "You" starting so many of the sentences. And to have "You lack the courtesy" and "You lack the energy" only a paragraph apart was odd. The repetition doesn't feel like it's purposeful, so it's a little jarring. I'd like to see a little more sentence variety, but that's a style thing, and others seem to enjoy it as is, so go with what ya know, yanno?
Ril and ME: Good continuations both!
Author here! Great continuations Ril and ME :)
Takoda: Thank you very much! I agree on the sentence reconstruction, I'll have to look at it! (Definitely too many beginning with "you.")
annonymous mb: Yes, it's a prologue. It might be how I start it, I just started writing it a couple weeks ago. For now it's the prologue and how it starts, but a couple hundred pages down the line, who knows? Thanks for the grammar tip!
Dave: It's one of the three (kind of) but I'm doing it anyway. (Or maybe two of the three...kind of...) Thank you for your comment.
AmyB:
Thank you! She's assuming he underestimates her because he thinks he's beaten her, but he hasn't quite yet. Maybe I should make it more clear? Glad you liked it!
McKoala: Thank you for your comment! I guess they are sort of philosphizing. The action before is missing because it's a prologue, but I might add it in. Or not have one. I don't know.
Pheonix: I'm afraid I didn't enter the first kiss challenge, and I just started writing this. But I'm curious as to which one sounds like it!
I agree on the sentence reconstruction, and so far I am leaning toward this remaining as the first page, but it could change. Right now the story is in the roughest draft possible since I just began it. (I wanted to see how well this worked as a first page for readers outside of my crit group. :))
Thank you for your critique!
Luney
Well, heck, that's the last time I leave anything to memory :o) Next time I'll do the proper research! Apologies, Luney, and to Heidi, whose first kiss I had confused with this opening:
9. She pulled her fingers free from his, and clung to his body. She could hear the sweetness of the Deeper Power singing within him, and she wanted it. She had never wanted anything so much in her life.
"Adrastea...?"
Instead of grasping the lines like he had instructed, she buried herself in the sound of its sweetness, the chorus of all those lives, and the loudest one of all, she knew to be Mor-Lath himself. The chorus built until it overwhelmed her and she pressed her lips against his as if to indulge in more, for she wanted more. Mor-Lath stumbled back under the force of her passion until his back hit the wall, and then he slid down, her body still pressed closely to his. Adrastea shuddered as she pushed against him, trying to grasp one last taste of the sweetness of Power before it ebbed away.
--heidi
Thank you, Pheonix! I can see why you would think it fit the story. :)
Very nice first kiss writing, Heidi!
Luney
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