Bad Analogies, Part 3

She was thrilled but it was short lived, like a bride who catches the groom with the maid-of-honor in a bathroom stall at the reception. --stick and move

The streaks of mayonaise around her shriveled lips resembled maggots, eager to assist the process of decay. --ME

Even though it was months since she left, her memory lingered, tantalizing at the edge of his perception, familiar yet vaguely discomforting, like when you sniff your fingers and you can't quite remember where you put them last. --ril

Going on a vacation he couldn't afford was a pleasure and pain thing, like a roofer up there roofing away on your house and getting a good long hard-on kinda look at the naked sunbather chicks sunbathing around the pool in the next yard and falling off the roof and breaking his leg in your yard ‘cause you didn’t have a pool to fall into. Like that. --Robin S.

His mendacity was so bad; it was like sticking your dick out a car window on a hot, humid day and calling it a blowjob. --Dave

Being 30 pounds overweight and dripping chocolate ice-cream on your yellow blouse then running into a hottie someone you haven't seen in 20 years and pretending you don't remember him and you also pretend to not speak English because it's the only way to save face and later get another chocolate ice-cream because by then it's just what you have to do is like my life. --takoda

The gravy on the hospital's entree of Salisbury Steak looked exactly like the meconium in her baby's diaper. --ME

She was rattled, like the time she was eating luncheon at her best friend's house and found a hair in her cucumber sandwich, and it looked too curly to have come from her friend's head. --EE

With scarlet red lips painted over the lip line, she reminded him of that strange liver dish he ate in the Chinese restaurant – the dish served with strawberries and red peppers on top of a bed of brown-green seaweed. --Dave

She was shocked and befuddled, like when you try to get money out of an ATM machine and it tells you there are insufficient funds in your account, which can't be true because you deposited a check just the other day. --freddie

Professer Mullen was ecstatic: it was as if he'd been sexually propositioned by Jenni Partick who always sat at the front in his Renaissance Art lectures, only this time he didn't need to break into the Dean's office and hack into the ORBIS system to alter anybody's transcript. --ril