Face-Lift 371

Guess the Plot

Fortune's Fool

1. Every day the crystal ball showed Maggie the winning lottery numbers; every day, she played those numbers and lost. After six months of this, she started to wonder whether the forces of fate were jerking her around.

2. Sir Walter Raleigh steals the priceless Shroud of Turin from the Vatican, planning to subject it to black magic and thus become invincible. But a powerful alien being is also determined to get the Shroud. Raleigh is beginning to think he was a fool to get out of bed today.

3. Madame Kaya is convinced that she can not only tell the future, but also help with weight loss, thinning hair and prostate problems. But it's not until a pudgy, balding editor from New York stops by to get his palm read that the true extent of her powers becomes known.

4. Editors at one of the world's largest business magazines attempt to improve morale in the office by hiring a jester. But the move backfires, fueling employee complaints of management thinking of themselves as royalty.

5. When Carl Saperstein, owner of top 3-year-old Fortune's Fool, is shot dead outside his store in LA's Garment District, homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: finding the perp is a long shot, and he'd better bring his new wife some of that silk dupioni.

6. Nip’O’Jack used to be a good leprechaun – in 500 years, no one found his pot o’ gold. But now, he’s had five people find it in a month and the Leprechaun Bank is about to foreclose on his shoe-making business.


Original Version

Dear [Agent]:

A Tudor earl and hero joins an illicit faction of the Church of England to steal the Turin Shroud from the Vatican before Sir Walter Raleigh and his rival group can subject it to black magic and thus become an invincible danger to Queen Elizabeth’s throne [Some day I gotta put together a list of the most unbelievable Guess the Plots that turned out to be the real plot.] in my 111,000-word fantasy novel Fortune’s Fool.

When Earl Hertford and Raleigh mix up the magic cloth with a number of decoys, both men escape the pursuing Catholic Church possessing a Shroud each believes authentic. [When you go into the Vatican gift shop and see an entire rack of Shrouds of Turin, you can be pretty sure the real one isn't among them.] Unfortunately, they are not the only dupes, for their activities have drawn the attention of a being from outside our world who may be either an angel seeking to reclaim the Shroud from human abuse or something far worse.* [An angel ought to know which Shroud of Turin is from Turin, and which was made in China.] [What's with the asterisk?]

[Leading Chinese Exports, 2007

5. Poisonous pet food
4. Pollution
3. Sudanese military equipment
2. Fake Shrouds of Turin
1. Illegal DVD knockoffs]

The being begins murdering off both factions, who should stand between it and the throne instead of constantly infighting. [Imagine the being's embarrassment when he kills a couple dozen people only to end up with the Shroud of Hong Kong.] Hertford digs through secrecy put up by his allies as well as his enemies until he finds that the power behind the Shroud also drives the being and he can use one to destroy the other-- a truth neither the Catholic Church nor his own countrymen will accept. [Come to think of it, I don't accept it either.] Abandoned by his allies, Hertford must destroy not only this being but also a sinister third party responsible for the rumors of Raleigh's intentions and determined to destroy him and everything he holds dear. [Ah, so it was only a rumor that Sir Walter Raleigh was going to subject the Shroud of Turin to black magic and become invincible. Amazing how many people will believe a rumor, no matter how ridiculous it sounds.]

The plot is similar in vein to [books]. [I would rather know that it's similar in theme or in plot or in tone or even in length than in "vein."] [Why am I not surprised that your attempt to think of books this is similar to has thus far been in vain?] [I am approaching you [Agent Name], because of [reason specific to agent].

Thank you for your consideration and time. An SASE is enclosed for your reply. May I send you the manuscript, which runs to 111,000 words?

Sincerely

[* Korlach, Lord of the Dark Realm]


Notes

If the stolen Shrouds are decoys, why is the Catholic Church pursuing Hertford and Raleigh? Also, not clear how the Church knows about the other-worldly being. The being is after Hertford and Raleigh's Shroud(s), right? Are they communicating with the Church as they flee?

If Hertford needs the Shroud to kill the being, it would be unfortunate if he had one of the decoys. Do Raleigh and Hertford each have a Shroud? Is Hertford's the real thing?

Actually, it sounds like something people would enjoy, but I'm not sure it wouldn't sound better without the "being." Sir Walter Raleigh stealing the Shroud of Turin from the Vatican and using black magic is fantastical enough without a Klingon showing up.