Why you don't get published.
Monday, July 02, 2007
New Beginning 306
Rescuing princesses is hard work. Peter Anderson was almost an expert at it, but even he tired after first slaying a dragon, and climbing ten flights of stairs. He did it all for this moment of glory, when he would kiss the princess Aaryanna and become king. After he rested a moment.
He paused at the entrance to Aaryanna’s chamber, catching his breath. Dust swirled up from the banister, causing him to sneeze. Another man shouldered past him, rushing over to Aaryanna. “Garrett?” Peter asked, following him. “What are you doing?”
“Sorry, Peter,” Garrett said, leaning over Aaryanna’s bed to kiss her. “I’m on the King’s business.”
“I am on Prince Jacen’s!”
“Who is not yet King. It’s nothing personal, Peter, you’ve just never quite finished a quest.”
“I located the princess,” Peter pointed out, turning his head as Garrett kissed her. “I slew the dragon. I climbed ten flights of stairs for her!”
“The dragon wasn’t dead when I crossed it, Peter, I had to finish the job for you.”
It was then that Peter remembered, the beautiful Princess Aaryanna's chambers were on the twelfth floor. Her twelve-year-old brother, the fair-skinned Prince Carbanna, lived on the tenth.
Obviously unaware of this, Garrett caressed the Prince's silky smooth cheek. "Even softer than I imagined." He cupped his hands under Prince Carbanna's chin, framing the boy's tear-drop face. "Even more beautiful than I remembered."
Garrett turned to Peter and smirked. "And all mine now, this face and the royal jewels. Jealous?"
"Of course," Peter replied. "But I wish you all the happiness in the world, with your new . . . bride . . . and her family jewels.
Opening: Luney.....Continuation: Bump in the Night
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12 comments:
Unchosen Continuations:
'Cut! Cut!' Prince Jacen threw his script on the ground and leapt out of the director's chair, just as Gus King from wardrobe hurtled into the scene.
'Garrett, I said to piss on your banner, not kiss Aaryanna. And to flay the wagon, not slay the dragon. Refinish the vest, not finish the quest, you idiot.' King waved an apologetic hand at Jacen. 'Sorry, mate, but your medieval authenticity is playing havoc with Garrett's hearing aid.'
Jacen sighed. 'Get back to wardrobe, both of you. Peter, get your asthma inhaler and we'll shoot this again.'
--McKoala
"But I jumped on its head!" Peter complained. "It really hurt!"
"That's not how you kill it. You have to remove the bridge so that it falls
into the lava."
As Garrett spoke, the girl began to stir. Her eyes flitted open and she sat up, getting her bearings. Garret bowed before her, but she gestured for him to rise.
"I'm sorry, Garrett," she said, "but our princess is in another castle."
--Rei
"Shut up, Garrett! I got all the way through Level 6 by myself, but you just cheated!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"Liar!" Garret punched his little brother.
"Ow!" screamed Peter. "MOM! Garrett hit me!"
"Shut up!" warned Garrett.
"MOM!!!!!!"
"Knock it off down there!" warned their father from the dining room. I've just about had it with you two and that damned game!"
"But Garrett's cheating!"
"LIAR!"
"That's IT!" Their father stomped down the basement stairs. "Both of you! To your rooms. Now!"
Defeated by the one thing greater than the dragons of MArshworld, the boys slowly headed to their rooms.
--Khazar Khum
Yeah, so, has Aaryanna got a tongue for something other than kissing? This story is obviously farce, so I hope Aaryanna tears both these guys a new one, promptly.
Putting aside my distaste for blandly passive female characters, this was pretty funny, and I'd keep reading.
I just had no idea where this story was going to go. The 'normal' names (but then why Aaryanna?), the job expertise, the fairytale setting - no idea what it was adding up to! Not sure if that's good or bad. I'd have to read more.
Readable in a Shrekian way.
I think this is funny, but could be even funnier if you spruce up your word choice, and give us more unexpected happenings. I liked Rei's first sentence:
"But I jumped on its head!" Peter complained. "It really hurt!"
If you work things like that into your story, it would bump it up another notch.
I'd read on...this sounds fun.
I thought all the continuations were hysterical!
Cheers,
I see stuff like this in slush all the time. It'll need to be tighter and funnier to stand out from the crowd.
The Laggard Lover.Sounds like fun.
Nits:"catching his breath, causing him to sneeze, rushing over, following him"
Too many "ing" patterns for my taste.
Also, there's a disconnect between Peter's anticipated kingship and the Prince Jacen's business. No doubt it will be explained but we were set up to conclude he was working for himself.
just to continue my thoughts....
The first sentence, for example, is funny. But it could definitely be spruced up with different word choice: Rescuing princesses is hard work. changed to..Rescuing princesses is bloody hard (I'm sure you can come up with much better!)
takoda
I also didn't understand how Peter would "become king" yet was on Prince Jacen's business.
I dunno. It has the promise of funny, but I found this cliched. On the brink of success, the theme music roaring to crescendo, suddenly the record scratches as another guy says "pardon me, 'scuse me, coming through" and takes the prize. Without some twist on this (as the continuations point out), I'm not confident that it really gets funny. Is it supposed to?
The only thng that I really liked about it was that the dragon wasn't dead. And I admit to wondering what "the King's business" is. Otherwise, this was predictable and just OK for me.
Luney:
You have good comedic timing. I like your subtle style--pleasant, charming, easy to read, very commercial.
That said, tighten it up. And I hope there's a novel attached to this opening?
"He did it all for this moment of glory, when he would kiss the princess Aaryanna and become king. After he rested a moment."
In the first sentence you write "did it all"-- leading the reader to believe this action is complete. Then in the second sentence (which is really a fragment) we have "after he rested." This confusion of time comes from the verbs. Clear it up.
Write, "He was doing this all..." then, after king have elipses or a comma, then the after.
Also, this seems very children's bookish. It is a charming concept, but is sparse on details, setting, and description. I don't have a sense of place. Nor is there enough humor here for me to think this is some sort of satire.
This was amusing in the twist, but still needed some work to tighten it up. I also have to agree that it felt like mid-level. Also, ditto the awkwarness surrounding the logic of Garrett saying he's on "the king's business" versus how kissing the princess would make Peter King.
I mean, if Garrett whizzed by and said, Prince Glockenspiel says sorry he couldn't make it, but I'm his stand in... then it would make sense.
Still, I liked it.
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