Why you don't get published.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
New Beginning 229
Gideon eased the window open. He held his breath as it slid quietly. He managed to swing one leg into the room when the light flicked on. He blinked quickly to adjust his sight. He stared at his mother, unable to move.
"Mom. I, I thought you were working tonight."
"Gideon, get inside. Now." Even when she was angry her voice was rich and deep. His friends always teased him, saying she should work for a 900 number. Tonight it shook with emotion. He was busted and she was pissed.
"Uh, mom. I can explain, Jerry needed my help with something."
"I'm sure he did. That boy can't tie his own shoes or learn how to use a belt. I am very, very upset with you. What were you thinking?" She didn't wait for his response before continuing. "You know I do not want you out alone at night. When Daniel called to say you were gone I rushed home."
Daniel? Must be one of those damn motel owners. So that's who tipped her off. He could try blaming it all on Jerry, but it wasn't Jerry's fault. After all, Gideon was the one who'd put his name on every one of them.
"Son, I know you mean well," his mother said, "but you have to stop leaving Bibles everywhere."
Opening: Rashenbo.....Continuation: E.S. Tesla
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11 comments:
I'd hold out and trust your judgment on the worthiness of a submission.
(I guess we minions had better step up to the plate!)
LOL.... :) that's a funny continuation there.... hehehe it gave me one of those farside moments and I'm not entirely sure why!
This story is actually a story with a fantasy/vampire spin on it. Course, you can't tell that from the first few paragraphs :) so perhaps that is why I found the bible comment even more funny.
And yes, it's another early draft of an unfinished work by Rashenbo :)
Sounds like a pretty good start. I did find the mother's dialogue a bit stilted. Adults use contractions, too. :-)
~JerseyGirl
Hmm. I don't use contractions when I am really, really pissed with my kids, it's a form of emphasis, the formality is warning... so I found the lack of them in her speech a neat touch.
Don't think you need "to adjust his sight." We can assume that.
I like this opening. It's works very well.
I like this opening. I'd read more.
I'm also fine with the lack of contractions in some places - as Bernita said, a lack of contractions is a form of verbal warning that mothers use, so it seems natural to me.
Knowing now that "This story is actually a story with a fantasy/vampire spin on it" makes the opening better, for me, as it begins in a non-fantasy way, and I know that the fantasy/vampire "shoe is about to drop".
Author, I think you can tighten this up immensely.
Gideon eased the window open. He held his breath, managed to swing one leg into the room. Then the light flicked on. He stared at his mother, unable to move.
"Gideon. Get inside. Now." Her voice trembled with emotion.
He was busted and she was pissed.
This isn't perfect, but you can see how tightening the beginning up gives it more punch, and I only changed one word.
I'd read on; but I'm not sure about the lack of contractions either. It did make Mom sound a little stilted. Perhaps there were too many of them - I would use them in short emphatic phrases to my kids 'Do not stand on that table!' but not for much longer than that.
I forgot to add that I was interested and I'd have read further.
He.... He.... He... He...
A start like that doesn't give me a lot of faith in the writer's ability to put together readable prose.
I see it improves later one but IMO that's a very bad first impression to get over
There are only two instances where the mother's words aren't contracted, how can that be too many? I think if you read it out loud, knowing the mother is pissed, as is stated, it sounds very natural to me. I thought it was a pretty good opening, but as xenith pointed out, the overuse of "he" in the first paragraph needs changing.
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