Success Story

Dave Fragments reports:

Dear EE,
This is a success story in two ways.

1) Last May or June you offered to edit 70K words for a charitable donation to FARM SANCTUARY in place of the Brenda Novak Fund Raiser. Farm Sanctuary and I have a happy relationship. I took your edits and worked the stories into an anthology. It is now in print and Kindle format and available for sale. The links are below.

2) I checked through Blogger and 8 of the stories were “New Beginnings” and 1 story started out as a “Writing Exercise.” For some reason (unknown to me) 1 story I just wrote. I make those stories in the blurbs below.
Thanks for your blog and all the effort it takes.

FUTURES YET UNKNOWN: Dreams Become Reality
Ten Stories by Dave Fragments
-A hunting expedition on an alien world -- NB-821
-An Alien serial murderer and a furry detective with fleas
-Murder on an alien world with altered humans -- NB-851
-A new frankenstein, conceived in metal with a human brain -- NB-868
-A man on trial for betraying the human race to robots -- NB-971
-Devils, demons and ghosts come to visit -- NB-246
-Ambitious survivors of a plague war -- NB-974
-Cyborgs trying to be human once again -- writing exercise 2 Dec 2007
-Six friends in the strangest sinkhole ever discovered -- NB-925
-The truth about a world drowning in rain, without sun, without hope -- NB-1038

Available
CreateSpace, print -- https://www.createspace.com/55454
Amazon Kindle -- http://www.amazon.com/dp/B018F1FWQ2
Amazon US, print -- http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1514242613
Amazon UK, print -- http://www.amazon.co.uk/Futures-Yet-Dreams-Become-Reality/dp/1514242613/

EE Moonlighting on Black Friday

Happy Thanksgiving!

Face-Lift 1288

Guess the Plot

The Feast of Masks

1. As the kingdom of Galailia prepares for the sumptuous Feast of Masks, at which every maiden of age is matched with whatever noble chooses her, one feisty, raven-haired countess thinks she's beat the system by sending a shape-shifting goblin in her place . . . until her secret crush picks the goblin.

2. Only one woman can prevent a dragon from augmenting its power and laying waste to the city during the Feast of Masks festival. But in doing so, will she become an even greater threat than the dragon? Also, in the broad scheme of things, does it really matter?

3. When the Queen of Al Laheria dies, a Feast of Masks is held to choose her successor. All women between the ages of 13 and 30 are required to attend. Rabinah desperately hopes to be chosen. But with 5000 other girls attending, how can she increase her chances of being chosen and escaping poverty? Also, why should readers care?

4. Nothing is what it seems, there's an elusive secret, and a young serving boy must make a terrifying choice that will change the course of the armistice banquet: red wine? or white?

5. A new fad diet has taken the world by storm. It turns out plastic Halloween masks have half the carbs of a slice of bread. Little does the public know that this is the dastardly new scheme of mad scientist Dr Petar Vlodstolk, whose wife has recently opened a costume shop. He doesn't want to see her become depressed after yet another failed business.

6. Everyone who's anyone was invited, but when the guests remove their masks at the end of the Feast of Masks, they find their faces have changed. They all look exactly like their masks. It's a total disaster . . . Although you don't hear the woman who wore the Kate Middleton mask complaining.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Years ago, Tali Adilrein abandoned the practices of the dragon path and sealed away the destructive magic they gave her.

When Tali rescues the Commissioner of Customs’ niece from smugglers, she's hired as the girl’s bodyguard. Her none-too-happy client is a dragon treasure: Her gifts can catalyze spells for those on the dragon path. Her life can augment the power of a dragon. [Meaning the dragon must kill her or just use her?] [Is the girl "none-to-happy" because she's a dragon treasure or because she's stuck with a bodyguard?]

The smugglers awoke an imprisoned dragon. It's influencing them to bring it treasure to fuel its magic. When it acquires sufficient power, it will lay waste to the city. [Not clear whether the smugglers woke the dragon while trying to abduct the girl, or had awakened the dragon previously, and were trying to abduct the girl for the dragon.]

The dragon spreads its influence to one of Tali's allies. [Unlike Tali's alleys, Tali's allies is a good tongue twister.] [Also, what do mean by Tali's allies? Allies against what enemy?] It hunts her client with magical flames. Tali returns to the dragon path to protect the girl. In doing so, she may become as great a threat as the dragon. 

The Feast of Masks is a stand-alone fantasy adventure with series potential, complete at 111K words. I’m currently working on another book set in the same world.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Was Tali in the bodyguard business before she rescued the girl?

The last two plot paragraphs need more sentence variety. Those short sentences read like an outline. 

 Maybe it would be better to start with the dragon:

When smugglers inadvertently awaken an imprisoned dragon, the creature compels them to bring it treasures to fuel its magic. If it acquires sufficient power, it will lay waste to the city. 

One powerful "dragon treasure" is Jane Doe. The smugglers abduct her, but Jane is rescued by Tali Adilrein, a woman who years ago abandoned the practices of the dragon path and sealed away the destructive magic they gave her. Tali is immediately hired by Jane's uncle as her bodyguard.

As the dragon hunts her new client with magical flames, Tali reluctantly returns to the dragon path to protect the girl. But in doing so, she may become as great a threat as the dragon. 


That introduces your main character in the second paragraph, which isn't ideal, but it also gets the setup into paragraph 1 instead of P3. And it leaves room to add a bit more information, perhaps showing more about the new threat the dragon brings besides "magical flames." 

Not sure we need to know Jane is the niece of the Commissioner of Customs, as we don't know whether that's an important position like adviser to the king, or a minor position like  supervisor of mail carriers. Just knowing the dragon needs her is enough.

Face-Lift 1287

Guess the Plot

Under the Rainbow

1. A fantastical adventure based loosely on The Wizard of Oz, but instead of meeting hundreds of Munchkins when she gets to Oz, Dorothy meets the over five thousand members of the American Pawnbrokers Association.

2. Dorothy, the world's first vampire, must travel to Greed City and convince Satan to release her from the contract she signed hundreds of years ago. Only then can she escape hell and find out once and for all if there's anyplace like home.

3. Mere days after returning to Kansas and professing her wish to never leave again, Dorothy longs for a world with color and the adrenalin rush of fighting witches and flying monkeys. But can she get back to Oz by clicking together the heels of her leather walking shoes?

4. At Area 52, an illegal rave in the Nevada desert, someone spikes the drinks with “Rainbow, a drug that makes speed look like slo-mo. When Marcia learns that Rainbow can only be synthesized in the atomizer her scientist parents designed, she realizes there's more to her nerdy parents than meets the eye. Can she uncover the true source of the drug before she and her friends wind up six feet . . . Under the Rainbow?

5. When Theodore brings his wolfhound Otto along to retrieve his grandmother's silver slippers from an estate sale, he's whisked away in a whirlwind of red tape to a land of drug-dealing imps, bricked music, and witchy strippers.

6. We can be pretty sure that if Dorothy had successfully boarded that hot-air balloon, it wouldn't have ended up in Kansas. Fly with her as the winds carry her to another wondrous land filled with danger and excitement. Also, a wizard who's not a fraud.

7. When gay rights activist and prominent drag queen Tuply Paper Mates is found strangled on a yacht belonging to prominent conservative talk show host Ross Bigelow, the media rushes in to crucify Bigelow. But homicide detective Zack Martinez knows two things: One, Mates was shot in the Hollywood Hills, not strangled; and two, having a boat in Marina del Rey probably isn't worth the hassle.



Original Version

Dear Agent:

Dorothy doesn’t remember anything after she’s staked and lands in Hell.

She doesn’t remember the contract she signed with the Devil hundreds of years ago, nor the thousands of people she murdered since then. [Once you've said she doesn't remember anything, no need to list a few individual things she doesn't remember. But since we prefer specifics to generalities, we's rather you get rid of the "doesn't remember anything."] But when an angel breaks into Hell, she tells Dorothy that, at the mere age of seventeen, she sold her soul to Satan for eternal youth, turning her into the world’s first vampire. [So Satan benevolently lets Dorothy exist oblivious to all the horrors she's caused, while this so-called angel spills the beans, sending her on the mother of all guilt trips?]

Now Dorothy’s regained her soul -- along with her guilt -- as part of her punishment. [How did she regain her soul, and why is that considered punishment?] But she learns if she wants a shot at redemption, she must travel to the City of Greed and somehow convince Satan to release her, something never before attempted. [If it turns out all you have to do is ask Satan to release you, a lot of people who've been in hell for centuries are gonna be kicking themselves.]

If Dorothy travels to the distant City, she faces a powerful demon that will stop at nothing to keep her from reaching it, claiming Dorothy is not out to seek redemption but instead to steal her title. [The demon's title? What is her title? Is this title in Greed City?] But if Dorothy stays where she is, [the book will end prematurely.] she faces her ultimate punishment – monster children with razor teeth tearing her apart as she tore others apart on Earth. [Hmm, an obsessed demon or monster children. Tough decision. . . . How many monster children?]

And as her memories start slowly coming back to her, Dorothy begins to realize this powerful demon has some connection to the night she sold her soul. [Why is that important?]

UNDER THE RAINBOW is a YA dark fantasy novel with series potential inspired by The Wizard of Oz, complete at approximately 78,000 words. It is written as a morbid and unusual fairy tale retelling for the audiences who enjoyed A.G. Howard's Splintered series and Danielle Paige's Dorothy Must Die series.

I saw on your website that your represent fantasy, literary horror and young adult. UNDER THE RAINBOW contains elements of each of these, so it seemed like a good match for you.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,


Notes

If we condense what you've written into something like:

Hundreds of years ago, when she was seventeen, Dorothy signed a contract with the Devil, trading away her soul for eternal life--and becoming the first vampire. Now that she's been staked and sent to hell, she seeks redemption. But to get it she must travel to the City of Greed and convince Satan to release her.

As Dorothy travels to the distant City, she faces a powerful demon that will stop at nothing to keep her from reaching it.


. . . you'll have room to tell us some of what happens. Insofar as you call this a "retelling," I assume Dorothy encounters allies who join her on the journey. Tell us the story, preferably without resorting to simply listing Dorothy's friends and the obstacles they overcome.

Was there small print in the contract that specified her life would be eternal only if she didn't get staked?

Face-Lift 1286

Guess the Plot

The Burnt State

1. The Empire is the greatest endeavor in the history of man. Now someone wants to burn down the whole thing. Eldritch was preventing this, but he's given up so it's up to his granddaughter. But what can one six-year-old do?

2. Someone is setting forest fires in Idaho then harvesting the burnt wood to sell as charcoal. The governor enlists the over five thousand members of the American Pawnbrokers Association to investigate and apprehend the perpetrator. But they refuse because they are getting charcoal at a huge discount.

3. Lia is immortal thanks to her phoenix blood giving her the chance to rise from her ashes every 80 years or so. Problem is, her ashes are always transported to a different country and it's a bummer to have to learn new languages and fit in to some weird culture when she has no money or identity there. At the moment she's really loving access to indoor plumbing and smart technology in beautiful Tuscany and so frankly is doing anything to avoid...the burnt state.

4. A pyrokinetic vampire must team up with an asthmatic djinn to save the state barbecue competition after a freak tornado rips through the largest firework show in Oklahoma history. Can ya'll say "firenado"?

5. No longer able to stand the overpriced world of Los Angeles, firefighteer Jessica Maclain moves to Abilene, Texas. But when the drought triggers a massive firestorm, her old captain begs her to return to...the Burnt State.

6. Five medical students at a small New England university do experimental laser neurosurgery on themselves to see if they can make themselves smarter. The laser treatments turn them into geniuses, but the effects are temporary. They persist with the experiment, amaze their professors, and go around town claiming they're a coven of vampires. Their brains are starting to fry.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Eldritch Ramsay is not going to let his grandson die.

He's going to give in and let the Empire, the greatest and most unselfish endeavour in the history of man, burn.

Let the heroes and patriots save it if they can. [Why is that three paragraphs instead of one?] [It's vague. I'd be more interested if I knew specifically what's going on. Apparently someone has told Eldritch, I will kill your grandson unless you let us burn the Empire. Which leads me to ask, How is this one guy preventing those with the power to burn the entire Empire from doing so? It's like the Death Star shows up to destroy her planet, and Princess Leia tells Darth Vader, Don't do it, and he, instead of laughing and just doing it, says, Either you allow me to do it, or I kill Luke.]

On the other side stands Indy Ramsay, his granddaughter. The best of the aforementioned patriots, in heart if not in proven ability.

Many over few. Always. The greater good. Always. This is what her grandfather has taught her. [If I'd known her grandfather was Spock I would have gone with a Star Trek example instead of Star Wars.] ALWAYS.

She will live by it. She will fight, and prove herself worthy of the Empire and the validation that was denied her.

She will ensure the survival of the Empire, Ever Eternal, at any cost. [Who is she, Supergirl? Unless this is a world where disputes between empires are settled by champions in cage matches, I don't see how this one girl/woman fighting can ensure anything.]

Then what if the cost be Eldritch? [The greater good. ALWAYS. She will live by it. Eldritch is screwed.]

THE BURNT STATE is a fantasy novel, complete at 112,000 words. I am an anonymous voice speaking to you from the ether. [I'll do the jokes, if you don't mind.] This is my first novel (If voices can be said to have novels)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

The whole thing is vague. What makes the Empire so great? Who wants to burn the Empire, and why? What's stopping them? It sounds like grandpa has been stopping them, but how? How old is Indy?

It sounds like Indy is the main character. Start with her. Tell us about this validation she was denied. List her super powers. Then tell us how she plans to accomplish her main goal, and what goes wrong. What's her big decision when the moment of truth arrives?

We're more interested in your story than your theme. If you describe the plot well, we'll figure out what the theme is. 

Q & A 190

Should italicized internal dialogue be given a separate paragraph or placed at the end of a paragraph? I'm providing an excerpt from my book [Previously seen here in New Beginning 1047] done both ways.

Inside her first clubhouse, Lacy Dawn glanced over fifth grade spelling words for tomorrow’s quiz at school.  She already knew all the words in the textbook and most others in any human language.  

            Nothing’s more important than an education. 

The clubhouse was a cardboard box in the front yard that her grandmother's new refrigerator had occupied until an hour before.  Her father brought it home for her to play in.  

The nicest thing he's ever done.  

Faith lay beside her with a hand over the words and split fingers to cheat as they were called off.  She lived in the next house up the hollow.  Every other Wednesday for the last two months, the supervised child psychologist came to their school, pulled her out of class, and evaluated suspected learning disabilities.  Lacy Dawn underlined a word with a fingernail.  

All she needs is a little motivation.  

Before they had crawled in, Lacy Dawn tapped the upper corner of the box with a flashlight and proclaimed, "The place of all things possible -- especially you passing the fifth grade so we'll be together in the sixth."

Please concentrate, Faith.  Try this one. 

            "Armadillo."

            "A, R, M, … A … D, I, L, D, O," Faith demonstrated her intellect.

            "That's weak.  This is a bonus word so you’ll get extra points.  Come on."

            Lacy Dawn nodded and looked for a new word.  

I’ll trick her by going out of order – a word she can't turn into another punch line.  

“Don’t talk about it and the image will go away.  Let’s get back to studying,” Lacy Dawn said.  

            My mommy don't like sex.  It's just her job and she told me so.

Inside her first clubhouse, Lacy Dawn glanced over fifth grade spelling words for tomorrow’s quiz at school.  She already knew all the words in the textbook and most others in any human language. Nothing’s more important than an education. 

The clubhouse was a cardboard box in the front yard that her grandmother's new refrigerator had occupied until an hour before.  Her father brought it home for her to play in. The nicest thing he's ever done.  

Faith lay beside her with a hand over the words and split fingers to cheat as they were called off.  She lived in the next house up the hollow.  Every other Wednesday for the last two months, the supervised child psychologist came to their school, pulled her out of class, and evaluated suspected learning disabilities.  Lacy Dawn underlined a word with a fingernail. All she needs is a little motivation.  

Before they had crawled in, Lacy Dawn tapped the upper corner of the box with a flashlight and proclaimed, "The place of all things possible -- especially you passing the fifth grade so we'll be together in the sixth." Please concentrate, Faith.  Try this one. 

            "Armadillo."

            "A, R, M, … A … D, I, L, D, O," Faith demonstrated her intellect.

            "That's weak.  This is a bonus word so you’ll get extra points.  Come on."

            Lacy Dawn nodded and looked for a new word. I’ll trick her by going out of order – a word she can't turn into another punch line.  

“Don’t talk about it and the image will go away.  Let’s get back to studying,” Lacy Dawn said. My mommy don't like sex.  It's just her job and she told me so.

I would place internal dialogue in the same paragraph, not a separate one. If it's in a separate paragraph we have no way of knowing which character is thinking it, unless you add an unitalicized tag like "Lacy Dawn thought" or "Faith wondered." Even when the internal dialogue is in the same paragraph, an occasional "she thought" isn't a bad idea, especially if it's not a lengthy thought.

I don't see why Please concentrate, Faith.  Try this one. is internal. Why wouldn't she say it aloud?

It's common for a scene to be described from one character's point of view, and since no one knows what another character is thinking, you wouldn't be able to provide internal dialogue from two different characters in the same scene, as you do here. An omniscient narrator would know everyone's thoughts, but if we have an omniscient narrator, that's one more person to which the italicized words could be attributed if they're in a separate paragraph.

Also, as I said in New Beginning 1047, these particular snippets of internal dialogue aren't especially useful to the narrative. Use it sparingly. If a story is told well, the reader can usually figure out what the characters are thinking. It's when the characters aren't thinking what we'd expect that internal dialogue is most helpful. As in this scene from Annie Hall:

Face-Lift 1285

Guess the Plot

Recondite

1. Todd is 16 and he's always wanted to be a girl. He runs away from home and takes a new street identity, "Lily." After a few years of hooking and doing meth, he finds new self-respect and becomes an inspirational speaker at high schools. In the triumphant finale, he wins a $70 million lawsuit against Jodi Picoult for writing his life story as fiction with only slight name changes.

2. In a world where time is currency, the heir is kidnapped as a bargaining chip for a slave's freedom. But does the leader have time to spare? Will the slave run out of time? And would either be good or bad? It's all kind of . . . recondite.

3. Quint invents an AI called "Recondite" that operates on obscurities and abstractions. He loads it into a droid modeled after Robert Pattinson and turns it loose at San Diego State, where it wreaks havoc on the ladies of the French Literature department.

4. An apocalyptic cult named cryptically 'Recondite' hides in the mountains of Montana as a lone FBI agent tries to crack their secrets, hoping for a promotion. Instead, he will get a taste of the end of days.

5. When an agent receives a manuscript with an obscure one-word title, it's up to the more than five thousand member National Pawnbrokers Association to decipher the clues and bring the book to publication.



Original Version

Dear (Agent),

I am sending my query to you in hopes that you will consider representing RECONDITE, a NA contemporary sci-fi novel, complete at 92,000 words. I have included a synopsis and the first 10 pages of my manuscript for your consideration. If you would like a larger sample, or the entire manuscript, you may contact me using the information below my signature. [Zzzzzzzz. Snort. What? Oh, right, queries. Recondite. Wait, that's the title? A word that's obscure, abstruse, and that few people understand? What does it even mean? I'm not interested in a book that makes me feel stupid before I even open it.]

New York City is breeding a terrifying secret. In an underground Compound, [No need to capitalize that.] an ancient community births a hidden society [Are you sure that shouldn't be "an ancient society births a hidden community"?] of people called Recondites. ["Recondite" is a noun?] Enslaved to a debt system where time is currency, Recondite lives are signed away to the Compounds’ [Apostrophe in wrong place.] leader, the Generational. [Since when is "generational" a noun? It sounds like a combination of "general" and "irrational."] With their every move monitored by internal tracking technology, the only way to gain their freedom is to run out of time. [You've run out of time, by which I mean the agent has moved on to the next query. But Evil Editor will forge onward.] ["Running out of time" is considered a bad thing. Gaining freedom is good. Maybe there's a clearer way to state what they must do to gain their freedom.] 

Twenty-year-old Recondite Liam wants out of his servitude, but the disappearance of his sister is the crux in his escape plan. [The crux? That makes it sound like he needs her to disappear. Do you mean the snag/crimp/hitch/stumbling block ?] Riddled with guilt over wanting to leave her behind, Liam decides a trade is the only way to get her back: the Generational’s heir for his sister. [Just one problem, he has absolutely no conceivable way of acquiring the Generational's heir.]

Clueless to her inheritance, twenty-year-old heiress Sahar Ihsan awakes terrified in Liam’s home [The enslaved have their own homes?] with no recollection of how she got there. [Well, that turned out to be easier than I expected.] [Why refer to her as the heir and as the heiress? We might think they're two different people.] Desperate to return home, Sahar tries to figure out their connection. [She has to figure it out? Can't she just ask Liam?] [Also, when you've been kidnapped by a stranger it's often for ransom, and there's no "connection."] [In a world where time is currency, you'd assume a kidnapper would demand time as ransom, but because running out of time is a good thing here, the kidnapper would say, you can have your heir back, but first you have to also take all my time. It makes for a confusing negotiation, akin to a kidnapper in a money-based society paying you to take back his hostage. Which is what happens in "The Ransom of Red Chief." I haven't thought of that in decades.] When Liam is forced to unveil the horrifying secret Sahar’s community has kept hidden from her, Sahar is faced with an impossible decision: take her rightful place as heiress or help free the man she was never meant to meet. [Help free Liam? I thought she was Liam's prisoner, and had to decide whether to help him free his sister.]

RECONDITE is my debut novel. I currently reside in Philadelphia.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Put the first paragraph at the end, and shorten it to one sentence. 

Is everything underground? 

What do you mean by Sahar is "clueless to her inheritance"? Does she not know she's the heir, or just not know exactly what she'll inherit? 

The horrifying secret Sahar's community has hidden from her is that her community has birthed a hidden society of people enslaved to a debt system where time is currency? I doubt she'd find that horrifying. I doubt she'd have any idea what it means.

Dump the whole thing. It's too recondite. Start with something like:

Twenty-year-old Liam wants out of his servitude, but his escape plan hits a snag when his sister goes missing. He decides a trade is the only way to get her back, but first he'll have to kidnap the Generalissimo's heiress. 

Possibly even that leads to too many questions. Maybe start with Sahar waking in Liam's home, where he tells her in clear language what's been going on under her nose.

The important thing is to get to a main character up front. We want to read about people, not communities and societies. And get rid of "Generational" and "Recondite." They're killing you. You know a title sucks when only three people submit fake plots--and I'm not sure whether the first fake plot was supposed to be for this title or another one.

Face-Lift 1284

Guess the Plot

Crucifija

1. The Crucifija, an ancient relic found on a shipwrecked galleon, goes missing while on display in Dallas. Police are stymied. It's up to Herbie Quinn and the more than 5000 strong members of the American Pawnbrokers Associaten to locate the Crucifija before it unleashes its curse.

2. A small Middle Eastern town claims to be the REAL place of Jesus's crucifixion to drum up some controversy (aka tourist dollars). Like The Da Vinci Code but with more sociopolitical conflict.

3. A sixteen-year-old girl has the Cricifija, a medallion that will open the gates of hell and release Satan's army. Her best friend has been kidnapped by a man who wants to use the medallion to start Armageddon. Will she give it to him in time for her and her BFF to go to the spring dance?

4. St. Peter's Crucifija is stolen from the Zurich International Museum. ZIMROS hires the more than 5000 members of the American Pawnbrokers Association to recover it. But the thief escapes to Prague where the APA can't follow because there are only 1314 vacant 3-star hotel rooms.

5. Christ was a woman, Judas knew it and was threatening to out her, Pontius Pilate left a scroll in his tomb revealing the whole thing in Aramaic riddles, and a pair of scholars in the 21st century is putting it all together while evading Vatican assassins.

6. This is the story of the life and death of the Mexican Jesus (Heyjus), set in modern day as he brings his message to the corrupt police and drug gangs of Mexico. Will he risk a repeat of the Crucifija or make for the U.S. border to challenge Trump’s immigration policies?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Sixteen-year-old Ciri is in one Hell of a predicament...

She wants to honor her father's dying wish by keeping the medallion that opens the gates of Hell away from her new stepfather, especially when she realizes her stepfather intends to use the medallion to start Armageddon. [Apparently her father realized the same thing. Otherwise it seems weird to make such a specific dying wish as Don't let your mother's new husband get my medallion.] [When you want to start Armageddon, it's always convenient to be married to the mother of a girl who has a medallion that will open the gates of hell.] But her stepfather has kidnapped her best friend, and will release her once [only when] the medallion is in his possession. Now, Ciri must rescue her best friend without breaking her vow to her father...or unleashing Satan's army. [Breaking her vow and unleashing the army are pretty much the same thing. Unless you're suggesting she might use the medallion to open the gates. You could just change "or" to "and."]

CRUCIFIJA is a 75,000 word YA urban fantasy novel [Wait, that's it for the plot? That's just the situation Ciri finds herself in, possibly in chapter one. We want to know what she does about it, what goes wrong, why her mother married this loser, why her father entrusted the medallion to her instead of tossing it into Mount Doom or the Pacific Ocean or melting it down or giving it to the pope.] that's a hybrid of Carrie Vaughn's Kitty Norville series and Jacqueline Carey's Agent of Hel trilogy, [You should change the title to Hel Kitty.] only with a teenage audience in mind. [Possibly if I'd read these series I'd have some idea what you're talking about, but I haven't, so I looked them up. It seems the Kitty Norville series is about a werewolf named Kitty who hosts a talk radio advice show for the supernaturally disadvantaged; and the Agent of Hel series stars a file clerk whose dad was a demon, and is set (according to Tasmanian author Tansy Rayner Roberts) in a town full of "angry ladies in leather trousers, having lots of sex with monstrous men, and kicking butt." I don't see the resemblance to your book. In any case, I'd rather you used the space to talk about your book than to compare it to other books.] I have been coached by Chuck Sambuchino and Jane Friedman of Writer's Digest. [You have coaches? Is this the next big thing? Although I recommend leaving this out of the query, if you do include it you now have my permission to include Evil Editor on your list of coaches. Specifically, refer to me as "Evil Editor, the most famous editor in the world."] Also, I have participated in the Algonkian Novel Writing Program and the Michigan Writing Workshop. [Not important in your query. Unless you're writing to someone you met when she was a speaker/instructor there.]

Thank you for your time. I look forward to working with you soon.

Cordially,


Notes

Whose idea was it to have a medallion floating around that can unleash Satan's army?

God: Okay, I've managed to imprison Satan in the depths of hell where he won't bother anyone.

Angel: Nice work, Dude. But what if the humans need Satan some day, like to help fight off the Borg?

God: Hmm, good point. I know! I'll create a medallion that will open the gates of hell. And I'll entrust it to some random guy who can pass it down through his family for eternity, even if that means it may one day end up in the hands of a sixteen-year-old girl who believes freeing her best friend from a kidnapper is more important than saving the entire human race.


Three sentences is enough to set up the situation. Then add five to seven sentences in which you convince us that you have a compelling story with a main character we'll want to spend hours reading about. Or say nothing about the book, but declare you've been coached by Evil Editor. That's usually enough to close the deal.

Does the medallion depict a crucifix? Why the Spanish title? Are we targeting the Hispanic audience?

Eight Days of Halloween Films Dredged Up from the Vault

#8

Eight Days of Halloween Films Dredged Up from the Vault

#7

Face-Lift 1283

Guess the Plot

The Graveyard Festival

1. All the dead 70s rock stars try to recreate The Woodstock Festival. Simon Cowell, Britney Spears and Aretha appear.

2. Thana sleeps in graveyards. Why not, there's plenty of peace and quiet there. Or at least there was until this damn traveling carnival set up shop. Oh well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. 

3. Vampires, demons, and witches join forces to change their image. They collect Christmas toys for poor children, take kids on trips to Disneyland, and raise funds to fight childhood diseases. And every month on the thirteenth, they hold a graveyard marshmallow and weenie roast. But everybody is not pleased. The League of Paranormal Publishers hires slayers to brutalize the undead until they return to their scary ways. 

4. Dancing under the full moon was so romantic. It was fun to see everyone in their antique clothes and old-time hairstyles. Not everyone held it together until the break of dawn, but some were so fresh and vibrant ... and sex under the stars was exquisite. Too bad I have to spend the whole next day re-burying everyone.

5. Elijah was a real bastard! Cheap, arrogant, and petty. Everyone in town had a grievance. When he finally died, the town decided it was time to celebrate and decided to dance on his grave. They weren't ready for what would follow.

6. It's time for Halloween! All the kids in the cemetery will gather for a festive, fun night of scaring teenagers, making a racket, and screwing up paranormal investigators' equipment.


Original Version

Sixteen-year-old Thana sleeps in graveyards [In different graveyards? Does she have parents? Because if she were my daughter, I'd want her sleeping in the closest graveyard, not some randomly chosen graveyard across town.] and crafts surreal dreams for those who want them. [Does she craft them in the graveyard? While sleeping? That's kind of what it sounds like you're saying. If that's not it, maybe we don't need to know where she sleeps in sentence one.] The dreams she creates are so vivid and detailed that they may as well be real. [When I'm having that dream where I'm being tortured by Borgo the Disemboweler, no matter how vivid it is, I never wake and think it may as well have been real.] For the inhabitants of the town nearby, Thana’s dreams are drugs. [I have lots of questions, and you don't have room to answer them, but here goes: Does she sell the dreams? Does she have to be present while the recipient is sleeping? If I go to her at noon and say I want to have a surreal dream tonight,  does she cast a spell? Give me a potion? Does she put together the entire "plot" of the dream while I wait, or just cause me to have a dream whose plot she knows nothing about? Can I tell her what I want to dream about? How long does it take her to create a dream for me?]

When the Graveyard Festival arrives in her cemetery [By "her cemetery" do you mean the one she always sleeps in or the one she happens to be sleeping in that night?] in the middle of the night, Thana meets Jonathan, a mysterious boy with tattoos he can bring to life. [Is that like in The Illustrated Man, which would be similar to Thana's dream creation, or is it more like the snake tattoo will bite you if you get too close?] By sunrise, Thana is a member of the traveling carnival that moves from cemetery to cemetery. [How's the attendance at these middle-of-the-night carnivals in cemeteries? Do they put up posters so the locals know the festival's in town?] Her dream-crafting abilities do what the Festival does best: catering to every whimsical fancy one may have. [My whimsical fantasy in the middle of the night is getting some sleep, which is why I bought a house next to the quietest place in town, the cemetery. And now there's a frigging carnival going on?]

But the Graveyard Festival isn’t just a carnival—its members guard the gates to the land of the dead, and something has gotten past them. Jonathan believes Thana is the key to returning the demon back to where it belongs, but as her dreams turn to nightmares that come to life, Thana can’t control her devilish creations. 

Something ruthless is within her, and is dying to get out.

THE GRAVEYARD FESTIVAL is a young adult fantasy novel complete at 69,000 words. I believe it will appeal to lovers of Erin Morgenstern’s THE NIGHT CIRCUS and the dark magic of SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES[i].[/i] [An odd failed attempt to italicize a period?] {You forgot to include The Graveyard Book.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

If your book is similar to The Night Circus, which is pretty low on plot, this isn't bad. But it sounds like it's mostly setup for the escaped demon story, which is barely (and vaguely) mentioned. If you condense the setup to something like:

16-year-old Thana has the power to create vivid dreams for those who want them. When the Graveyard Festival--a traveling carnival that caters to every whimsical fancy one may have--comes to town and sets up in the local cemetery, it's a perfect match. They want her talent, and she wants to get out of her podunk little town.

...you'll have extra room to tell us about Jonathan and what the demon is doing and how they plan to send the demon back and what goes wrong and what will happen if they fail. In other words, your story.

Eight Days of Halloween Films Dredged Up from the Vault

# 6

Eight Days of Halloween Films Dredged Up from the Vault

#5

Eight Days of Halloween Films Dredged Up from the Vault

#5

Synopsis 46

Synopsis of Not Another Child (Query in previous post)


Somewhere in modern day Canada, an imprisoned child feels abandoned.

An infamous paedophile is being released from prison. To avoid demonstrators he is flown to Ottawa airport where he is killed by a sniper bullet. Janice Williams, head of the RCMP Sex Crime Division is assigned to a task force where [when] evidence shows that the killer is an insider.

Janice surfs the deep web to find a pedophile, “stchris”, who she is hunting and has kidnapped four children and killed three, the fourth is still missing. [Was that supposed to be a sentence?]

Janice’s friend Laura Lamour plays the part of a victim in a Coast Guard training exercise and is an expert in Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) for emergency workers. She is Janice’s anchor. [Nice insertion of maritime terminology for the woman who had a part in a Coast Guard training exercise, but I don't see this exercise as a vital part of the plot description.]

A few more pedophiles are murdered in different locations across the country. This brings a lot of attention to the issue of child abuse and the public begin to lobby for harsher laws. [No one cares about the abused kids, but when the abusers get murdered there's an uproar.] 

Janice’s squad identifies the “stchris”  [Anagram: Christ's] killer and heads to Sudbury, Ontario. The priest is found murdered [What priest?] and the child is rescued. [Is this the imprisoned child who felt abandoned in modern-day Canada? I assume we're getting back to that kid at some point.] 

Janice returns to Ottawa and briefs the task force that there are more than twenty-five murdered pedophiles. [Reminds me of the old lawyer joke. What do you call 25 murdered pedophiles? A good start.]  Janice, Kilgour and Forbes go over case files to look for clues and decide to set a trap. [You toss out the names Kilgour and Forbes as if we know who they are.]  The killer avoids the trap and kills a pedophile under police surveillance [Killer avoiding your trap: embarrassing. Killer killing someone while avoiding your trap: priceless.]

Janice relives the trauma of her own abuse and how she rose above it.

On a northern Quebec reservation, a small child is raped and beaten and left to die but is found and hospitalized while the rapist is arrested. Laura responds to the reserve to counsel the affected responders and the community members.

Janice’s team follow up leads with passenger lists [Passengers of what?] while also planning a raid for an individual that wants to have sex with a twelve-year-old. The planned take down becomes rough but thanks to the skills of a new recruit, two men are taken into custody.

Laura learns about the Residential School system from one of the Elders which might explain the violence and abuse with her people. The Elder tells Laura that she will fight for the innocent.

One of Janice’s team accuses her of suppressing information and that the passenger list clearly identified Laura Amour as the killer. [It's so much easier to capture killers in Canada where they're identified as killers on passenger lists.]  [Also, is her last name Lamour or Amour?] Janice asks both her teammates [to give her?] until morning to convince Laura to turn herself in. Janice meets Laura and realizes that Laura will not stop her crusade.

Janice and Kilgour attend the trail [trial] for Lapointe, the abuser from the Reserve to protect him from Laura. However she is in Victoria B.C. hunting an international child pornographer. [Just because you can't convince a killer to turn herself in doesn't mean you have to let her travel across the country.]

The government caves into [in to] public pressure for tougher legislation and penalties.

After the trial, Janice and Kilgour transport Lapointe to the airport in Val-d’or, Quebec for his flight to Montreal. Using insider information, Laura is ready when the flight lands in Montreal and is able to kill Lapointe and avoid capture. Janice and Kilgour are suspended for their failure [utter incompetence]. The Minister puts Forbes in charge and tells him to ensure that Laura does not make it to trial. [The Minister?]

Laura calls Janice and Forbes’s people are able to track the call to her apartment. [You screwed up when you made that phone call Laura. We never would have thought to look for you at . . . your apartment.] Forbes has the elite anti-terrorist group assault Laura’s Montreal apartment. [But even they allow her to escape capture.]

Laura plans to escape to the U.S. with the help of a First Nation Reserve cigarette smuggler. To avoid detection, the entire reserve launches their boats from the reserve towards the U.S. border, however through deductive reasoning; Forbes predicts where they will make landfall and enters U.S. airspace. [She's on a boat heading for land so he enters air space? I assume if the reserve is sending dozens of boats, and Laura is on one of them, they're sending them to different locations, so that Forbes won't know where to wait. He deduces which boat she's on?] 

After arriving on the U.S. soil, she is confronted by Forbes, Janice and Kilgour. Forbes reveals that the government wishes her dead, something he refuses to do and offers future cooperation. [What? Cooperation in killing pedophiles?]

Epilogue

Janice has spent months on a Caribbean island rejuvenating but is ready to resume the hunt, possibly in Europe. [What hunt?]


Notes

I recommend submitting to agents who don't require a synopsis. 

Failing that, get rid of anything that isn't essential so you can provide more detail about  what is essential. 

If Laura is still free at the end of the book, maybe she should be the main character.  Readers are more likely to sympathize with a woman who murders pedophiles than with a woman who tries to stop her. You won't even need Janice. A series of books about a vigilante killer of pedophiles would be . . . 

Hmm, a Googling of "vigilante killer of pedophiles novel" reveals there are a few such books already. But they probably aren't about Canadian vigilante killers of pedophiles.

Face-Lift 1282

Guess the Plot

Not Another Child

1. Police officer Janice is supposed to help bring down a serial killer of pedophiles, but she's torn. Sure, a commendation would be nice, but if she holds off a few weeks on capturing the killer, he'll have time to send a few more abusers to hell. Maybe it's time to go on vacation.

2. Ogard is a troll and Malfeasia, his wife, is the wicked witch of the forest. Ogard comes home late on a Friday as Mallie is stuffing one of the neighbor's boys into the oven. Ogard attacks her and she casts spells in all directions. Several forest folk die in the chaos. But prosecutors take Mallie's side and send Ogard to the slammer where he becomes the star linebacker on the prison football team.

3. When Clarissa's daughter is murdered, she starts the Not Another Child foundation. Donations pour in. When her daughter comes home, very much alive, will she announce the good news--or make sure the donations don't stop?

4. Nineteen kids, and counting. Nineteen! Sure, the TV show money helps pay some of the bills, but do you have any idea how much these kids eat? I can't even remember half their friggin' names. I swear, if he comes near me with that thing again, I'm cutting it off. Well ... maybe one more.

5. When a two-month-old infant is left on a pawn broker's doorstep, the over 5,000 members of the American Pawnbrokers' Association decide to raise this one as their own. Now Faust must prove he's the baby's daddy before Lucifer finds out he's got competition in the used souls market.

6. Youtube was made for movie trailers, instructions on making the MS Word bullets and numbering feature work, and Russian hood-cam footage, not your "cute" baby videos. A hard-hitting, wide-ranging look at the explosion of sickening terabytes of giggling kids, fighting kids, singing kids, etc. that is slowly destroying the Internet.

7. After hearing that his wife would like to have another child to add to their twenty children, Dillon goes to outlandish lengths to avoid both his wife and the wedding bed.

8. This nonfiction expose of the U.S. educational system comprises a series of first-person accounts of elementary school teachers. It focuses on the growth of average classroom size from 2 children per classroom in 1900 to an anticipated 67 in 2020, and the heretofore undocumented stress this uncontrollable increase has on teachers.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

I would like to submit my thriller novel, NOT ANOTHER CHILD, complete at 84,000 words for your consideration. It is the story of Canadian Police Officer, [No need to capitalize a person's occupation. True, I capitalize "Editor," but that's because it's my last name.] Janice [Jones?], who is assigned to a task force to hunt down and capture a killer. The killer has targeted a well-documented and abhorrent pedophile as he is released from prison. Evidence points to someone in the justice system and the kill rate is growing. [This isn't clear. Are you saying a serial killer who's been killing at an ever-increasing rate has declared his/her intention to kill a specific pedophile as he is released from prison? Or are you saying someone killed a pedophile as he was being released from prison, and that killer has since gone on to kill more people? Seems a bit stupid to announce the time and place of your next murder, so I'd normally assume the latter. But the tense of the 3rd sentence (has targeted as he is released, rather than targeted as he was released) suggests the opposite.] [I'd be interested to know if the other murder victims were also pedophiles.]

Abused as a child, Janice has overcome the trauma but it has left its mark. [In fact, it's left quite a few marks.] She is obsessed with stopping the abuse of children. She has always believed in the Law but admits that the killer’s solution is more decisive and permanent. The abuse victims never have to worry about a repeat assault. When the killer leaves Janice a note with the latest victim, Janice realizes that the killer is close to her. [Geographically close, or it's someone she knows? What's in the note?] She will need to keep her head on a swivel, to figure who she can trust and where the killer will strike next. [Keeping her head on a swivel might keep the killer from sneaking up on her, but I don't see how it will tell her whom to trust or where the killer will strike next.] 

Recently retired as a Deputy Fire Chief, I have experience with PTSD, multi-agency task forces, arson investigations and Coroner’s Inquests and have drawn on this experience to develop my story.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

A lot of setup, but not much plot.

Not sure if this is your story, but . . .

Canadian police officer Janice Jones is assigned to a task force hunting a serial killer who, thus far, has targeted only pedophiles. A victim herself, Janice is obsessed with stopping the abuse of children. She has always believed in the Law but admits that the killer’s solution is more decisive and permanent.

When the killer leaves Janice a note with the latest victim, a note referencing Janice's childhood  trauma, she realizes she may be dealing with someone she knows, possibly someone in the justice system.


That leaves you plenty of room to tell us how Janice plans to capture the killer, what goes wrong, what will happen if plan B fails, how she deals with her dilemma.

If that isn't your story, well . . . maybe it should be.

Eight Days of Halloween Films Dredged Up from the Vault

# 4 Ghost Stories

Face-Lift 1281

Guess the Plot

Little Boar

1. There is nothing interesting about you. You talk and talk but never say anything worth listening to. You never want to do anything fun. You never have any good ideas or suggestions. Plus, you look like a pig with a serious dental problem.

2. Little Boar has a problem: no one wants him in the neighborhood. Apparently, rooting, wallowing, and trampling are frowned upon by the domesticated hoity-toity farm animals, not to mention Farmer Brown. When the old man revs up the ATV for a feral pig hunt with the more than 5000 members of the American Pawnbrokers Association, it’s every hog for himself!

3. The true, tragic story of Edward of Middleham, Richard III's legitimate heir.

4. Little Boar is a pilot with the Red Army in WWII. Her career seemingly ended in a dogfight with Luftwaffe pilot Gerhard Rademacher, Little Boar becomes addicted to morphine. But she vows she won't rest until she gets reinstated and takes her revenge, even if it means flying missions while numbed out of her mind on drugs.

5. After the forest fire, Priscilla Porcupine leads the woodland creatures into Green Valley. Farmers chase them away until Priscilla and her friends rescue prize-winning piglet Little Boar. When Farmer Jack sells him to a new bacon restaurant, Oink's, Priscilla organizes a protest and Oink's switches to turkey-bacon. But the local gobblers protest so Oink's settles on tofu-bacon which everybody agrees sucks. After the restaurant's failure, it is replaced by Jim's Southern Bar-B-Que'd Ribs.

6. Little Boar lives in the prairie. Little Boar eats carrots. Little Boar plays with his baby brother. Little Boar gets hit by a truck on Ranch Road 2243.

7. Tommy is seven, over-privileged, and never has anything interesting to say. One day, he fails his spelling test, and as a punishment, his mother orders him to pen a sign to wear around his neck, identifying him as a 'Little Boar.' Then he joins the circus.

8. Little Boar has been separated from his family and must find his way home with the help of new friends that he meets along the way. He and his friends must out-wit the hunter and his pack of dogs to reunite with his family.

9. When a missile hits a Midwestern farm, the animals are bathed in gamma rays. A newly foaled pig is shrunken to microscopic size, and he wants revenge! It begins to crawl into human's bodies, eating them inside and out. Only his former master can find a way to stop . . .  Little Boar.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Nadezdah “Little Boar” Buzina, a pilot with the Red Army’s 586th all-female fighter regiment, dreams of becoming an ace. Those dreams shatter after a dogfight with Gerhard Rademacher, a crack Luftwaffe pilot, leaves her as the sole survivor from her flight and too badly burned to fly in combat.

Struggling with survivor’s guilt, Nadya vows to shoot down Rademacher and give peace to her fallen sisters-in-arms. To that end, she secretly starts using morphine to manage her pain and succeeds in being reinstated as a pilot. Her drug use, however, turns into addiction, and she soon realizes she can’t safely fly while numb, but she also knows if she quits [without] the morphine, the returning pain will keep her forever on the ground [grounded] and Rademacher out of her sights.

To complicate matters, the skies are vast, making Rademacher impossible to find. [Trying to find the specific plane of the guy who shot you down by flying through the sky is like trying to find the specific whale that bit off your leg by sailing through the ocean.] Nadya, fearing she’ll never cross paths with the man again, takes her wingman on increasingly dangerous patrols deep into German territory where the Luftwaffe reign supreme. [You'd think a crack pilot like Rademacher would be flying missions over enemy territory, not defending the homeland. Apparently not.] After a few brushes with death, Nadya has to decide if killing Rademacher is worth not only sacrificing [risking?] herself but also the girl flying at her side. [Few are aware that the term "wing nut" originally referred to any wingman who agreed to fly with a drugged-up vengeance-obsessed pilot.]

While there are numerous World War II novels, none focus [focuses] on any of the all-female flying regiments of the Red Army Air [Force?] . [Not necessarily true, depending on whether you count this novel.] [Agent specifics, pub creds].

LITTLE BOAR is completed at 90k words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

Are there nonfiction books about the 586th? 

Did you make up the nickname "Little Boar"? Seems like a strange nickname for a fighter pilot.

That one sentence at the end may not be enough to clarify that the Red Army’s 586th all-female fighter regiment was the real deal. You don't want readers thinking you made the whole thing up. Perhaps if you began the query:

Few Westerners are aware that the Red Army’s 586th all-female fighter regiment played a major role in preventing Nazi Germany from adding Russia to its early conquests.  My novel Little Boar is the story of Nadezdah Buzina, a pilot with the 586th, who dreams of becoming an ace. These dreams are shattered when Gerhard Rademacher, a crack Luftwaffe pilot . . . 

In searching to see if Nadezdah Buzina was a real person, I discovered real people named Nadezhda Buzina. I also was directed to a Goodreads Beta reader request in which you say:

Through the last half of 1942, she struggles against crack Luftwaffe pilots, a vengeful political commissar, and a new addiction to morphine, all the while questioning her worth and purpose in a world beyond her control. It’s not until the Soviet counter-offensive at Stalingrad that she finds her unlikely answers, and only then after she’s saved the life of a mortal enemy and fallen in love with another who tried to kill her.


To me, some of that seems more interesting as a wrap-up than the decision of whether to risk her wingman's life in dangerous patrols (I assume if you became a member of the 586th, you expected to fly dangerous patrols) especially if the person she saves or falls in love with is Rademacher. 

Does Nadia consider the possibility that her enemy had been killed in a dogfight or that his plane took enough damage that he's now flying a different one? She could shoot him down and not even know it.