Face-Lift 1214

Guess the Plot

Cry for Mercy

1. Mercy Martin sacrificed everything to pay her fiance Paul's way through medical school. Then he dumped her for a nursing school freshman. But don't cry for Mercy; she's bought a Glock and pretty soon Paul's the one who'll be crying for mercy.

2. After Mercy is kidnapped, raped and tortured and nine other people are murdered, she decides that the killer is the cop investigating the crimes. No one's likely to believe her so she must solve the case herself. But can she survive a rigged death match and bring in her quarry before the Afghan War veteran trying to avenge his slain grandma does?

3. It's been 10 years since Percy Jackson came on the scene. Now he's married and has two children, but he can't fight anymore. He threw his back out in that last battle. His daughter Mercy knows about his past and is ready to take on the Gods herself. But whens she picks up a bazooka and trips as she heads out the door, it's time for Percy to . . . Cry for Mercy.

4. Mercy Jones thought yesterday was bad when the bank repossessed his truck. Then his girlfriend left him after she shot his dog. Everyone thinks he's a callous, red-eyed SOB because he won't cry, so they heap crap on him. He can't cry--no lacrimal glands. So Mercy goes on a mission to find that perfect country record to play backwards. Then everything will be right in the world. Or will it?

5. No one knows how Mercy Lewis died, but some say her ghost can be seen wandering the track around the abandoned sex toy emporium after hours. When young, attractive and well-endowed ghost hunter Longley Hardcastle steps into town hoping to disprove the existence of this spook, he instead finds himself confronted by something he doesn't understand, but is irresistibly attracted to. But what happens when the best sex of your life is with someone already dead? Either way, Longley can't constrain his orgasmic cries...for Mercy!

6. Mercy was a lock to be next year's prom queen, so when her dad announces that they're moving across the country and she'll be attending a new school full of strangers, she's heartbroken. Will she spend her senior year frantically making friends in hopes of realizing her dream, or will she wallow in self-pity and blame her father for the miserable rest of her life?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

I am seeking representation for CRY FOR MERCY, a [an] 80000-word Commercial [commercial] fiction [novel] set in NYC where fifteen-year[-]old prostitute Mercy has carved out a nest [niche?] for herself and her tight-knit street family of three boys. Too bad, there is a contract on her life, and Mercy is kidnapped, raped and tortured. [Does the person doing this know there's a contract on her life? If so, why not just kill her and collect?] She manages to buy her way out of the death trap, [If you'll untie me and let me go I'll give you all my money. Just hand me my purse over there.] but her street family isn’t so fortunate. The boys are murdered one by one, and the killer is not done yet: six more people die in a seemingly senseless killing spree. [Then an elementary school is bombed and an Ebola outbreak kills millions in this upbeat romcom.] Mercy is the only one who can tie the murders together and guess the killer’s identity. [If the killer is the person who kidnapped, raped and tortured her, why is it a guess? Was he wearing a goalie mask during all this?] Unfortunately, she can’t go to [the] police, for the killer is a cop in charge of the investigation. [Also, the police prefer actual evidence to a guess.]

Mercy is not the only one with the clues to [the] killer’s identity. [You just said she was the only one, two sentences ago.] An Afghan War vet with PTSD seeks to avenge his slain grandmother. However, he’s not interested in helping Mercy to crack the nefarious plot, but uses her as a bait to get to the killer cop. Outmatched and outnumbered, Mercy either has to flee and start from scratch in a new city or defend her hard-earned place on the Streets [streets] of New York. [She's fifteen. You talk like she's spent the last decade establishing her current position.]

The killer cop is not waiting for anyone to make a move. He nurtures [Has? Holds? Harbors?] a secret worth millions, and he’s not gonna let a little ho derail his beautiful plan. In the rigged death match, Mercy will either avenge her boys or fall down the latest victim. [What a drag to buy your way out of a death trap only to land in a rigged death match.]

Thanks for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

So killing a bunch of street people and some guy's grandmother is part of the cop's beautiful plan that will bring him millions? If you want us to buy that, you'd better tell us what the cop's "secret worth millions" is.

Fifteen is kind of young to have a contract on your life. Is it the cop who wants her dead, or someone else?

Readers are more likely to root for a young prostitute who's trying to start from scratch in another field than one who's trying to avoid starting from scratch by defending her hard-earned turf.

I mean, I have as much sympathy as the next guy for someone who's been raped and tortured, has contract killers after her, had her street family murdered, and is being used as bait to lure a serial killer, but can you give me a reason to like her?

The errors may be minor, but this many in a one-page letter will suggest to the reader that the manuscript has a similar density.

Face-Lift 1213

Guess the Plot

Damnation's Blade

1. Baelzebub, Hell's metalsmith, creates a sword for Satan that can slice through any angelic beings. Yes, 'Saint' Michael, this time it's ON!

2. Kerwyn Thunderstone finds a magical ax blade and embarks upon a perilous quest to get the blade to the capital city. It's perilous because every time he touches the blade it burns his hand.

3. Polishing Satan's? butter knife collection three hours a day in a luxury suite beats working retail ten hours a day. Is Lucy on the top level of Hell, or the lowest level of Heaven? Should she risk losing her job to find out what's outside her chamber door?

4. Sixteen-year-old Jenna is sick of the abuse. Worse than that, she's sick of her father calling screaming out, "Damnation, child! What have you done now?" Well this time, she'll show him what she's gonna do. She grabs the knife off the kitchen table and marches into the living room...
 
5. Spanish swordsmith Carlos Rodriguez Martinez has had it with fat nerds demanding 'combat ready swords'. After a long night of drinking, he sets out to make the ultimate fighting weapon: a rotating, six-bladed, laser-firing chunk of steel with bombs and grenades. Suddenly Hollywood is calling, the armies of two dozen nations are at his door, and fat nerds still demand 'combat ready swords'.

6. Mentally unstable artist Marcy is excited to host her very first exhibition, a display of sharp objects with abstract nouns attached to their names: Curiosity's Knife, Brutality's Axe, Redemption's Letter Opener. But when a snarky art critic slams her work in the local paper, he'll soon come face-to-face with Marcy's favorite piece, Damnation's Blade.



Original Version

The Three Altars, Book I: Damnation's Blade, 98,719 words, adult fiction that may appeal to readers of Joe Abercrombie's The First Law Trilogy, Patrick Rothfuss' Kingkiller Chronicle or George R. R. Martin's A Song of Ice and Fire. Synopsis below as per your format. [If you put that first sentence below the synopsis, you won't have to say "synopsis below." Actually, even here you don't have to say "Synopsis below" unless you fear the agent will read your first sentence and then struggle to find your synopsis.]

After killing a small army of murderous escaped slaves outside the small town of Hammerdale, exiled faerie Kerwyn Thunderstone and gruff slave-catcher Haon Kellbrack [If your job title is slave-catcher, I'm pretty sure killing an entire army of escaped slaves is gonna look really bad on your resume.] discover a mysterious magical ax-head that burns at the touch and turns bodies of water into a deadly magical poison. [If you want us to like your main characters, you might have them help an army of slaves to escape rather than kill an army of escaped slaves. Just sayin'.] When the local priestess offers them a fortune to bring the ax to the capital city for inspection by higher authorities within her worldwide church, they assume they have it made.

However, the ax is too dangerous to take without magical preparation, and while Kerwyn and Haon are waiting, they find themselves distracted from their journey [Has their journey begun?] by the mysterious disappearance of local children. Upon solving this mystery, they also find themselves at the center of a desperate local power struggle between Rhydion Warlowe, a nobleman's son desperate to save his ailing father, and the sinister physician calling himself Father Miracle, whose methods seem at once too good and too horrific to be true. Will they be allowed to leave Hammerdale alive? [Do these "distractions" before they begin their journey constitute most of the book, or are they subplots? I was thinking the main plot would be what happens when they get the ax to the capital. In which case the disappearing kids and Father Miracle can be left out of the query.] [And I say that reluctantly, as I'm sorely tempted to suggest focusing the entire query on the sinister physician Father Miracle.] Will the ax leave in more malevolent hands? [Almost, but no.] Who is the childlike figure who follows them at every turn? [Cricket Buttonhole.] And who, in the end, will be left holding Damnation's Blade? [My money's on the beautiful country lass Glory Glittermoon. I hope she has asbestos gloves.]

Damnation's Blade is the first of a planned six book series [Now I'm worried that it takes six books to get the ax to the capital, like it took three books to get the ring to Mt. Doom. You don't want me worrying about that.] entitled "The Three Altars," a dark epic fantasy told through the eyes of the mysterious exile Kerwyn Thunderstone, the magically gifted and impetuous Viscount Rhydion Warlowe, the petulant, penniless and amoral former nobleman Victor Touinkcelot, the bitter former priestess Bara Ironthatch and the tragically naive faerie princess Sarna Mourningdell. Each of these five characters find themselves drawn into a cosmic cold war between rival Gods, and the ruthless religious leaders so devoted to those Gods' worship that they would sacrifice their own souls. Yet this religious war itself may be a distraction, as a potentially world-ending threat rises in the centuries old, impenetrable desert to the West. As these five characters confront that threat, they will also be confronted with questions on the nature of redemption, justice, divinity, and ultimately, creation itself. [No need to list characters whose role isn't important enough to warrant telling us anything they do other than confront (possibly in book 6) some vague threat.]

Sincerely,


Notes

Partial list of adjectives used in the twelve sentences of the plot summary: murderous, mysterious, magical, deadly, magical, dangerous, magical, mysterious, [Maybe you should change the title to Magical Mystery Tour.] desperate, desperate, sinister, horrific, malevolent, dark, mysterious, magically gifted, amoral, petulant, bitter, ruthless, world-ending.

Partial list of adjectives I didn't put on the first list: small, small, gruff, ailing, childlike, penniless, naive, impetuous, cosmic, centuries-old. impenetrable. The point being, cut down on adjectives. You can delete a half dozen adjective from your first plot sentence without losing anything important. Try rewriting the plot summary limiting yourself to ten adjectives. It's not that adjectives can't be useful, but it's nouns and verbs that tell the story. You don't want to give the impression that every noun in the book has an average of two adjectives attached to it. To put it another way, if a clown rides a unicycle past your window every twenty seconds, pretty soon you're gonna start ignoring the clown.

I can see how you would figure out that the ax head you found burns to the touch; less clear is why you would dip the ax head into a body of water.

You're better off declaring this book is a standalone novel with the potential to become a series than to hint that you're looking for someone to publish six books.

It's well-written, and the character names are cool, but the query needs to focus on the main plot of this book. What happens if they fail to get the ax to the capital? What happens if they succeed? Who is trying to stop them, and why?

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Threads of Control

1. Saylor dreams of being a fashion designer, but to break in she must untangle the cords of cronyism, unzip the bags of investor cash, and cut through the layers of bullshit. Is Saylor's dream sewn up, or will she be trimmed?

2. When the Puppetmaster threatens to wipe out the human trees on the planet Ulfitron, Earth teenager Jimmy Ranfaz is chosen as their savior.

3. When the body of fashion mogul Jonny Street is found under a mountain of bolts at his Downtown LA sweatshop, detective Zack Martinez knows two things: One, this year's fashions are damned ugly, and two, Jonny wasn't simply killed by a bolt from the blue.

4. Needlework expert Alice Bobbin only wanted to see if that new craft store in town had embroidery floss in Dusky Rose. Little did she know that the sign meant a different kind of "craft." Now her cross stitches of houses and flowers have the power to harvest souls.

5. Jane is a seamstress who tailors clothes for her husband Dan. But when she notices Dan ogling her best friend, she secretly cinches the crotch of Dan's pants tighter and tighter.

6. All Janet wanted was to open a nice little quilting store. But monolithic sewing chain SewItUp! will not tolerate any competition. Sabotage, arson, and murder ensue.

7. Mayhem breaks out at Mary's Merry Marionette Show when her wooden puppets rebel, massacring three puppeteers and half the attendees of the Kanoma County Fair.



Original Version

Dear [Literary Agent],

AVERAGE – the word burned him. Superpowers had not changed the one thing he hated; Jimmy Ranfaz [, alias Aqualad,] was still average.

Jimmy, a daydreaming teenager from Earth, thinks he has been given a new lease of [on] life when the tree-descendant humans from Ulfitron [Hang on. They're humans whose ancestors were trees? Just because you have limbs doesn't make you human.] pick him to be their new saviour from a returning nemesis [, the supervillain known as . . . Lumberjack!]. But his training in cranial abilities [He's being trained by trees? When you're choosing a champion to lead you against your arch nemesis, it's a good idea to choose someone who's already smarter than a tree.] is rudely interrupted by an attack which also wipes out everyone he knows on the planet, [How many people did he know on the planet? He just got there.] all except Juvall Spelding – a powerful native [You should give the natives tree-inspired names. Like Juvall Spelding could be Shadbush Hawthorn. Which actually sounds more like a person's name than Juvall Spelding.] whose determination to save his race is only outstripped by his disdain of Jimmy’s powers. [So . . . Jimmy is Aqualad?] [It's bad enough when you're a kid who wants to be a superhero and you get your wish, except you get stuck with the same powers as Aquaman. But to make it even more humiliating, instead of Shark or Barracuda, they call you Aqualad.] [I suppose Robin was always a little pissed that Batman didn't give him a cool name like Condor or Raven.] [Also, if Spelding's determination to save his race is outstripped by his disdain of Jimmy's powers, he needs to examine his priorities.] [

Outmatched by the might of their foe, their only hope of saving Ulfitron lies in tracking down a legendary source of knowledge. [Unfortunately, this source of knowledge is a book and its owner refuses to give it up, believing it's his great-grandfather.]  But within the journey lies a deception so deep, it rocks the very beliefs of the Ulfitronians about the previous battle and also questions Jimmy’s own true origins. [Ironically, it turns out Jimmy's descended from the notorious Northern Hackberry clan.] With limitless power within his grasp, Jimmy must decide where his priorities lie; the heroism in saving countless people or finally emerging from the shadows of mediocrity he has always been consigned to. [I don't see how that's an either/or decision. Saving countless people leaves him in the shadow of mediocrity?]

EVOLUTION: THREADS OF CONTROL is a 90,000 word YA high fantasy novel with a scientific flavour.

The complete manuscript is available on request. [I have attached the first five pages for your perusal.]

Thank you for your time and consideration, and I look forward to hearing from you.

Kind Regards,


Author's note: The title is chosen because of the nature of the MC's journey and the hidden puppetmaster.


Notes

If Jimmy fails the willows will never stop weeping. If he succeeds he'll be the most poplar person on Ulfitron.

There's too much vagueness. Who is the nemesis? Why is Jimmy chosen as the savior? What are Jimmy's powers? What is this deep deception? What is this legendary source of knowledge? What is Jimmy's superhero name? (I suggest Treehugger.)

Who is this hidden puppetmaster? Is he the nemesis? "Puppetmaster" is a cooler-sounding name for the villain than "returning nemesis."

It's not clear why Jimmy is still considered average after he has superpowers. Or why using his superpowers to save countless people still leaves him average. What does he have to do to be above average?

What's with the title? Is Evolution part of the book's title, or is that the series name? I don't like anything about the title.

Selected Comments

Tk said...OK, the tree thing was so funny it was hard to read the query.

I liked the burning hatred of averageness. It's a strong emotion, which is good. But it can't work in isolation. You have to tie it into the query - show (clearly - I understand the last paragraph attempts to do this) how this motivates him.

Echoing EE, what *are* Jimmy's powers? What the heck is a cranial ability? And if he has superpowers, why is he average?

Third, the whole thing feels Avatar-derivative. I'm sure it's not, but this is an example of where more specifics would really help. Specifics unique to your world would prevent the reader from seeing "trees", "human", "planet" and "native" and instantly thinking of Avatar.

BTW, calling people "native" is something that always burns me, personally. The word is so loaded with privilege and its distancing and makes your MC unsympathetic. What's wrong with "Ulfitronian" or "general" or "janitor" or "skull-polisher"?


PLaF said...Superpowers had not changed the one thing he hated: (insert new dilemma here).
Average is too vague a description. What’s Jimmy’s real problem. Why does he think he’s average?
I thought of Peter Parker as he first became Spiderman. For him, superpowers did not change the fact that he still couldn’t get up enough nerve to ask Mary Jane out. Superpowers did not win him any friends and ultimately could not bring back Uncle Ben. What about Jimmy is interesting enough to catch my attention? And what fun stuff will he do with his superpowers?


AlaskaRavenclaw said...Fun with language dept.: People with a "determination to save [their] race" tend to end up in armed standoffs with the Feds. ("Race" and "native" are both fairly laden. You can find less loaded words easily. I suggest "people" and "local".)

Fun with science dept.: I assume you explain in the book how humans can evolve from trees. But the query just raises the question and doesn't answer it. Trees are plants. Humans are critters.

And yeah, the whole paragraph beginning with "Outmatched" is very, very vague. Vague with a side of superlatives. And it does beg the whole "average" question.

(Would not personally start a query with "AVERAGE". It invites the agent to think "I'm not looking for
AVERAGE.")


sarahhawthorne said...I am concerned about your word choices. How can you describe a boy plucked off Earth and trained to be a superhero as "average"? He may not be a good superhero, but he is definitely not normal.

Also, this sentence:
With limitless power within his grasp, Jimmy must decide where his priorities lie; the heroism in saving countless people or finally emerging from the shadows of mediocrity he has always been consigned to.

1. The phrasing is awkward ("the heroism"?) and it ends in a preposition.
2. Again, word choice. Jimmy has been chosen as the future savior of Ulfitron. He may be mediocre, but he certainly has not "been consigned to mediocrity."
3. This is a false dilemma - the stakes are so wildly uneven that it's obvious Jimmy will choose to save Ulfitron.

Weirdly enough, Facelift 1021 from a couple weeks ago also ended with the same choice: save the world or get magic powers. Is this a new thing, protagonists willing to let the world be destroyed in exchange for being special?

khazar-khum said...I lost it at EE's Aquaman reference.
The elimination of an entire planet full of life seems kind of--casual.


AlaskaRavenclaw said...Sarah, at the risk of offending the Anonymouse who doesn't want us to talk to each other: A preposition is a fine thing to end a sentence with! The rule that we can't (like the rule that it is wrong to occasionally split an infinitive) comes to us from classical Latin, where you really can't, apparently.

The earliest English grammar books took their rules straight from Latin, willy-nilly, on the theory that Latin was somehow purer than English or whatever. And it wasn't till the last generation or so that anyone went in for a second look at the situation.

/fun with prescriptive vs. descriptive grammar

Besides, if J.K. Rowling can mix up lay and lie then there ain't no rules no more.


arhooley said...I've got problems with the writing overall.

AVERAGE – the word burned him. Superpowers had not changed the one thing he hated; Jimmy Ranfaz was still average.

"AVERAGE" looks to me like a dateline. For instance, BAGHDAD - Iraqi leaders are debating whether to etc.

Also, I wasn't sure the "he" in "he hated" is Jimmy. Maybe "he" is Jimmy's creator and he's burned that after he's imbued Jimmy with superpowers, Jimmy is still average?

I went snagging through the whole query like that.

Other examples:

- wasn't sure whether Jimmy was still on earth or another planet

- he's only a teenager but he needs a new lease on life?

- humans from Ulfitron? Humans are from earth

- Jimmy is the new saviour. Was there an old saviour?

- who trains Jimmy? If someone could train him to beat the nemesis, couldn't that trainer beat the nemesis themselves?

- cranial abilities?

- the foe is unbeatable because of its "might," but the key to beating it is "knowledge."

That's just a little bit. I really think you need to look at every word and phrase and ask if it's the right one.


JimmyRanfaz said...The author here! Sigh....back to the drawing board...again (millionth time)..

Anyways, EE's comments were just plain hilarious. I might do a spoof on my own novel if it ever gets famous (or published for that matter).

I know my query is supposed to answer all the questions and hence I will rewrite it, but I just had to throw in some clarifications.

The part about Aqualad was bang on! I didn't think of him when creating the MC but he feels the same way. He's got superpowers (cranial abilities mean he can control a bunch of things with his brain) but he's average at using them as well. He was chosen because he looked like the Ulfitrons previous saviour, but that did not change the fact that he was in fact mediocre at everything he did.
His dilemma is that after he learns the truth about the deception, he feels less obligated towards the Ulfitronians. If he goes back to save them he might not get the power he desires. If he gets the powers he desires, he will no longer be ordinary.

I hope that clarifies things a bit. But again tons of thanks to EE and the helpful comments.I will redraft this one and maybe what I wanted to say will filter through better next time!


arhooley said...And oh, yikes. I can easily believe that J.K. Rowling mixed up lay and lie, but her EDITOR?


AlaskaRavenclaw said...Author, between you and me and Webster's Dictionary, "cranial abilities" would mean he could control things with his skull.

Arhooley, the lie/lay thing would have had to slip past several editors, and on two continents (since US and UK editions were coming out simultaneously).

I've seen lie/lay mixed up a lot in adult books too, but kids' books do seem to come in for more editorial scrutiny.

(Actually TTTT it's my HO that this is an example of language change in action, and in 50 years the difference between lie and lay will no longer be an issue.)


Faceless Minion said...Controlling stuff with the brain usually gets classified as some form of psionics. Even if it's not referred to that way in the book, I would suggest using either 'psionics' (if the abilities are extremely varied) or 'psychokinesis' (if that's the type of powers you're talking about) or another of the normal terms for those type of abilities rather than 'cranial abilities' for ease of understanding by agent/editor in the query


AA said...If you want to know what I'm getting stuck on, here they are in random order:

First of all, you just shouldn't say, "Superpowers had not changed the one thing he hated; Jimmy Ranfaz was still average." That's because it makes no sense. It's like saying, "Matilda, the dinosaur-egg-laying chicken, just couldn't stand being the most average hen in the barnyard." Any superpowers at all= above average.

"tree-descendant humans" Humans are us. You could say people or sentient beings.

Others have mentioned "cranial abilities."

Actually, all of these sentences are kind of awkward. I agree that the one Sarah picked is awkward, preposition notwithstanding. Then there's:

"But his training in cranial abilities is rudely interrupted by an attack which also wipes out everyone he knows on the planet, all except Juvall Spelding – a powerful native whose determination to save his race is only outstripped by his disdain of Jimmy’s powers."

This is very long. Also, I tend to be annoyed by the "everyone/everything except" phraseology. You wouldn't say, "I hate absolutely every kind of ice cream that was ever invented. Except Cherry Garcia." You would say, "The only kind of ice cream I like..."

I would write:
"But his training in psionic abilities is interrupted by an attack which wipes out almost everyone he knows on the planet. Only Juvall Spelding is left standing. A powerful Ulfitronian, Juvall is disdainful of Jimmy's powers and is determined to save his people without Jimmy's help."

This is clearer, and it sets up a sort of rivalry or conflict between the two characters which adds interest.

I'm not going to rewrite Sarah's favorite because it doesn't make sense. With limitless power, I'm sure I could save the Ulfitronians, show up that smart-ass Juvall, and never be average again. What dilemma, where?
I see what you mean in your response but not in the query.

Remember you're not fighting with the language, you're working WITH it. It's like the story about the tiger and the river.

Rework this and I'll come back and look again.


batgirl said...What I noticed was a number of tired and not-quite-right phrases. The 'new lease on life' is a cliche, and usually refers to someone older having a new interest or improved health. For a teenager? Not so much.
Then 'rudely interrupted' is a tired phrase, and seems too trivial for an attack that results in tragic deaths.
The 'tree-descendant humans' - should be 'tree-descended' (unless their descendants will be trees?) and as others have observed, you don't want to use 'humans'. Try 'humanoids', or 'entities', or 'beings', or 'creatures'.
Some unnecessary words, too. Do you need 'the might of' their foe, or just Outmatched by their foe? Do you need 'very' before 'beliefs'?
Oh, and apparently it's not them that are outmatched, it's their only hope that's outmatched.

I know this is horribly picky, but if I were an agent, I'd worry that the awkwardness in the query reflected awkwardness in the writing.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Shifted

1. Moto the car can't seem to get his speed over ten miles per hour. If his owner notices, he'll be sent to the junkyard for sure. But wait! No wonder! The idiot's been so busy yacking on his cell phone he hasn't . . . Shifted.

2. When an accident at Oak Ridge nuclear plant threatens a meltdown, Dr. Jack Johnson bravely volunteers to pitch in, receiving what should have been a fatal dose of Gamma radiation. Instead, a shift has occurred. On NASCAR race days, the mild mannered doc becomes the champion avenger of all things rural, the superhero known as . . . the HICK!

3. Stephenie Meyer addict Zoe Dewson always thought it would be cool to be a shape-shifter -- to become an animal that is large and crafty. When she awakens one day to find she shares the fate of Gregor Samsa instead of Jacob Black, her life and her views change.

4. Drake Langdon hates his job mining coal but he loves the chief's daughter Lily. Chief Randal puts Drake on a swing shift in order to keep the lovers apart. When an earthquake traps him a mile below the hills of West Virginia, the only way out is through a condemned mine shaft. But has the trembling earth shifted the shaft?

5. As soon as teenager Kaia arrives in Paris she's arrested as a terrorist. Fortunately, a team of superheroes who have the ability to shift elements want Kaia for her ability to shatter glass. They kidnap her from the police and she joins the team. But will she use her power for good, by shattering the Louvre's glass pyramid?.

6. When a team of shapeshifters all change to look like the president during a White House tour, it's up to tour guide and amateur sleuth Prissy Figbottom to prove which woman is the real president and which ones are imposters. Luckily, Prissy is the one person who knows about the president's new tattoo.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Kaia Davis: Painfully shy high school student. Suspected terrorist. And unknowing wielder of an elemental power that could turn the White House into an outhouse. [That outhouse would be big enough for Godzilla. Although I question whether Godzilla would use an outhouse rather than just take a dump in the street.] [On the other hand, maybe the fact that you never see Godzilla dropping logs indicates that he does like a little privacy.] [Then again, whether you like privacy or not, when you discover you're under attack by King Ghidorah and the entire Japanese army, who wouldn't shit their pants? Plus, dropping logs the size of actual logs would be an effective weapon]

Kaia's Monday starts out pretty good. [That sentence would be okay, if a bit blah, if this were the opening of the query, but once you've introduced terrorism and super powers, there's no turning back.] Leaving Pennsylvania for Paris on a foreign exchange program? Terrifying, but exciting, especially when it means getting away from an unloving foster family. Being arrested as a terrorist upon arrival, though, will bring anyone down. Getting rescued by a cute (but cocky) British boy who can control the wind itself? Weird, yes, but an improvement. However, Kaia's day is finally, completely ruined when he drugs and kidnaps her.

Kaia wakes up to find she's been dragged into a covert group made up of teenagers from around the world, all of whom possess the ability to manipulate the elements themselves [Adding "herself," "yourself," etc after a word rarely does anything useful, or at least I, myself, don't think so.] – "shifting" them from gas to liquid [Condensation Boy], altering their structure [Alchem-Miss], or just moving them around really fast and whacking people with them [The Nunchuks Kid].

At first, Kaia feels (for some odd reason) a little out of place. Until, that is, she discovers a silicon-based power of her own which lets her do little things like shatter glass with her mind. [Every team of superheroes needs a member who can shatter glass. Otherwise criminals would be safe hiding in buildings with windows.] [Shattering glass with your mind may be amazing, but doing it with a brick is equally effective.] [Wait, shattering glass can turn the White House into an outhouse?]

While it sounds kind of cool to join them and become a real-life superhero, Kaia hasn't yet realized there's more to this world than having fun and saving the day. Powerful people have their hands [ladles] in the pot and are cooking up a dangerous soup of [spicy] intrigue, [fishy] conspiracies, and [cheesy] action, laced with a dash of death and a pinch of betrayal to taste. Kaia will have to break out of her [clam] shell – and maybe break some windows [eggs] too – if she's going to [avoid this recipe for disaster.] make it out alive. [An abundance of cooking cliches might be cute if you were trying to sell Murder at Le Cordon Bleu, but here it seems misplaced.] [Also, this way of telling us about the villains and the danger Kaia faces is too vague. It's like opening a menu and reading: 

Entree 1: Ingredients are combined lovingly and cooked to perfection, then spooned onto a plate and served.

Entree 2: A medley of items from our kitchen prepared stovetop by our chef and brought to your table.

Entree 3: Stuff, cooked.

Some specifics about these powerful people: who they are, what they want, what happens if they get it, how the superheroes plan to stop them, would be helpful.]  

Fortunately, she has some powerful new friends on her side, including her original rescuer, Connor – that cocky, irritating, sarcastic [windbag] Brit… who also happens to be annoyingly attractive when he risks life and limb to protect those he cares about. [For instance, the time he protected his best friend from being mugged outside the Louvre by causing a tornado, he looked annoyingly like Brad Pitt.] [On the bright side, the tornado destroyed the glass pyramid.]

SHIFTED is a YA sci-fi novel with a multicultural cast, complete at 115,000 words. It stands alone but is the first of a planned series of three books.

I am a legal assistant/graphic designer/resident IT… Jill-of-all-trades at a small law firm in Atlanta, Georgia, but I have finally decided not to let my Literature degree and all those Creative Writing courses go to waste. This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

I don't see the need for Kaia being arrested as a terrorist in the query. The kidnapping gets her to the superhero team quickly without raising questions that you don't answer.

You could combine the first two paragraphs into:

Painfully shy high school student Kaia Davis is thrilled to leave behind her unloving foster family for a foreign exchange program in Paris--until she's kidnapped outside Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport by a cocky (but cute) British boy named Connor.

This has the added advantage of telling us Connor's name so that when you mention his name in paragraph 6 you don't have to explain who he is.

Apparently the team know about Kaia's power even though she doesn't?

Just make the part about what happens after the kidnapping as specific as the setup and this'll be 100% better.

Selected Comments

OpenID collectonian said...Being able to shatter glass with her mind does not seem like much of a super power at all, if that is all she can do. Seems like any of the other folks can already do it with their own powers. Also not sure if saying they can "manipulate the elements" is good in this case. Most people would automatically think of elemental powers, i.e. fire, water, etc.


Author said...Here's a little extra info for everyone:

Kaia can control silicon in its pure form and in compounds (the "compound" angle is unique to her and plays a role in the book).

Therefore, she can:
1. Shatter glass and manipulate the shards as weapons
2. Control sand to create flesh-gouging whirlwinds
3. Manipulate quartz (found in rocks, watches, etc)
4. Mess with the semiconductors in many microchips

I only mentioned one ability to keep it short, but it looks like I might have to elaborate a little :-)

Hmmm...I'm not really sure off-hand how I can describe their powers other than "manipulate the elements" - each one has a literal element they control (oxygen, iron, copper).

Do I need to specify this? In some sort of "they manipulate the elements - not the old earth, wind, or fire, but the literal building blocks of nature" way?


Evil Editor said...Just changing "...teenagers from around the world, all of whom possess the ability to manipulate the elements" to "...teenagers from around the world, each of whom possesses the ability to manipulate one element should be enough.

I don't think people in the 21st century automatically assume the classic elements when they see that word. Perhaps the problem stems from the kid who controls the wind, which is not far from the air. As air is made up of nearly 80% nitrogen, I assume Connor can manipulate nitrogen? In any case, note that in my suggested reworking of the opening I left Connor's wind manipulation out.


150 said...Go with "chemical element".


AlaskaRavenclaw said...
1. Anybody can shatter glass.
2. You are all over the place with the metaphors and wordplay, and it will get you nowhere. Turning the White House into an outhouse just distracts and raises questions, and makes it sound like an attack on DC is planned, which it apparently isn't.
3. Call me old fashioned, but if a guy had drugged and kidnapped me I'd find his sex appeal to be absolute zero.
4. Bios are generally unnecessary. I have a lit degree and a buncha creative writing courses in my past too, but find it far too embarrassing ever to mention to my editors or agent. Saying you don't want them to go to waste makes it sound like that's your actual motivation for writing. Please tell me it isn't.
5. To become an exchange student while in foster care is probably rather difficult. I was an exchange student, back in the Pleistocene. The application was quite rigorous. It involved, among many other things, a home visit and an essay from my parents.
6. Focus, focus, focus. Decide what's at the center of the story. Sum that up in one sentence. Build your query from that and do not try to impress the reader with your writing.

(IOW: don't raise questions in the query that the query doesn't answer. Maybe it makes sense in the manuscript.)


Rachel6 said...The story, especially given your clarification in the comments, does sound interesting, but there isn't enough of it. I definitely want to know more about the "powerful people" and the problems they bring to Kaia.

One other thing: super-irritating but adorable love interests are cliche. That said, I do enjoy a snarky love dynamic. I think mentioning that he's cute and cocky is enough, that we can infer "attractive" and "annoying" from that, but I could be wrong.

Looking forward to the rewrite!


BuffySquirrel said...You flag up right at the start that Kaia is very shy, yet this hardly recurs in the query--is the shell thing supposed to imply she needs to overcome her shyness to defeat...whatever? If her shyness is an important obstacle to her goal (which is...?), you need to come back to it. If not, don't lead with it.

Goal, Stakes, Obstacles, Dilemma. That's what we need.


Author said...Alaska:

The foreign exchange question is answered in the book. You're right, it would've been too hard.

I still feel I need to mention it, though - overcoming her shyness is a big part of Kaia's character arc. If I mention it then say she's leaving for Paris, it seems to me everyone would be asking, "Wait, why is this shy kid going by herself to Paris?" Maybe not, but it just feels that way to me.

Rachel6: "super-irritating but adorable love interests are cliche"

This made me laugh, but not for any reason you'd think. I absolutely know what you mean, but it never occurred to me it sounded that way for one very simple reason - Connor's based off my dad. Or rather, what I imagine my dad was like as a teenager.

So the random thought that made me laugh? "Gosh, my dad's a cliche!" Even worse...everyone says I'm my dad made over :-)

Thanks to EE and everyone who's replied already - I will definitely have a rewrite soon.


Author said...Question for EE if you have a second:

I really appreciate the rewrite on the beginning (it works beautifully at freeing up plot space further down) but was concerned about one thing - in the opening phrase, is it clear to the reader that her desire to leave her foster family is enough of a motivation to visit a foreign country in spite of her shyness? It's clear to me, but I have a hard time judging what fresh eyes might think.

I'm just afraid of someone saying, "Well, if she's so shy, why is she going to live with a strange family?" I thought adding "Despite her fears" to the beginning would clarify it but was hesitant to begin my first sentence with a clause.

Your opinion/advice is, as always, greatly appreciated :-)

 Evil Editor said...You could just delete "Painfully shy." Her shyness may not be as important to the query as it is to the book.

Then there's the point that if you're in the foster care system you might have gotten used to going to live with strange families.


Maureen said...My main problem is that it is very foggy who the villain is. We know where she is and who she's with, but what's the actual problem? Also is there anything else at stake? What about the exchange actually, does that end at some point, and then what? Are people looking for her? I realise that there might not be room for this in the query, but I think you definitely need to elaborate on the problem/obstacles. What makes them actually DO something in the end? And why is she important to this?


Author said...Here's my rewrite of the story description:

High school student Kaia Davis is thrilled to leave behind her unloving foster family for a foreign exchange program in Paris – until she's kidnapped outside Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport by a cocky (but cute) British boy named Connor.

Kaia wakes up to find she's been recruited into a covert unit made up of teenagers calling themselves "Shifters." Hailing from around the world, each of them possesses the ability to manipulate one of the earth's elements – transforming them from gas to liquid, altering their structure, or just moving them around really fast and whacking people with them. At first, Kaia's convinced they've made a terrible mistake.

Until, that is, she discovers she has a silicon-based power of her own which lets her do little things like shatter and manipulate glass or create flesh-gouging whirlwinds of sand with her mind.

Joining up with this ragtag "family" turns out to be dangerous and terrifying but still pretty cool. Stopping terrorists, busting up drug cartels, saving people's lives – becoming a real life superhero. Unbeknownst to Kaia, however, the secretive backers of their group have been feeding all of them misinformation and carefully controlling their missions for one purpose: to use the Shifters to help the very criminals they believed they were stopping.

Finding out the truth is one thing, but finding a way out is another – especially when the shadowy cabal you've been working for is willing and able to eliminate its assets the instant they stop being of value.

Fortunately, Kaia has some powerful new friends on her side, including Connor, that irritating Brit… who also happens to be annoyingly attractive when he risks life and limb to protect those he cares about.


Evil Editor said...This is much better.

The last paragraph isn't needed; we already know all of that. I'd change the end of the previous sentence from stop being of value to lose their value (or usefulness).

So . . . the criminal mastermind says, Iron Lad, we need you to melt the door to that bank vault in order to prevent a crime. Then you can be on your way, we'll take it from there. ?

This cabal is able to eliminate the superheroes, but they're unable to do their own dirty work?


Author said...Thanks! I was rethinking that last line, too ("the instant they stop behaving" is what I had penciled in).

Yeah, it's hard to explain in short form :-). Here's some extra info (if you're interested).

One mission example: they're sent in to rescue some hostages being held by rebels in the jungle. Only they're not rebels, they're refugees fleeing genocide and the "guards" with guns are just men protecting their families - the "hostages."

The cabal can (and does) do a portion of its dirty work, but it has its fingers in many pies - including genetic manipulation to create humans with supernatural abilities. Besides using the Shifters as enforcers, their actions serve as advertising to criminals or unscrupulous governments - "look what we can make! Don't you wish you had soldiers of your own like this?"

Also, as their creators, they're well equipped to eliminate them even if they're not "on their level" power-wise.

I just wasn't sure what (if any) of that needed to be included in this form. Decisions, decisions :-)


BuffySquirrel said...Okay, leaving aside the strange assumption that Stockholm Syndrome strikes instantly, or perhaps that women don't really mind being kidnapped so long as the kidnapper is fanciable....

High school student Kaia Davis is thrilled to leave behind her unloving foster family for a foreign exchange program in Paris – until she's kidnapped outside Paris Charles de Gaulle Airport by a cocky (but cute) British boy named Connor.

As you've already said she's going to Paris, you probably don't need to add Paris to the name of the airport. I realise EE did that, but it's not how CdG is commonly referred to. Apart from that, and the objectionable assumption aforementioned, this is much better imo. Although I would change program to visit.

Kaia wakes up to find she's been recruited into a covert unit made up of teenagers calling themselves "Shifters."

'Recruited' sounds too voluntary. How about conscripted?

Hailing from around the world, each of them possesses the ability to manipulate one of the earth's elements

Each of them hails from around the world? That's not what you meant but it's a valid reading. Dang participles.

– transforming them from gas to liquid, altering their structure, or just moving them around really fast and whacking people with them. At first, Kaia's convinced they've made a terrible mistake.

After some thought, I realised you meant the mistake is forcibly recruiting Kaia, but at first glance it reads as if their mistake is thinking they can do these things, or perhaps doing them. In any case, I think that needs a new paragraph.

I would like some explanation as to how it is that Kaia doesn't know she has powers, but these people apparently do.

Until, that is, she discovers she has a silicon-based power of her own which lets her do little things like shatter and manipulate glass or create flesh-gouging whirlwinds of sand with her mind.

Which is fine, except discovers doesn't feel like the right verb. Learns, maybe. This is presumably something she finds out from the Shifters?

Joining up with this ragtag "family" turns out to be dangerous and terrifying but still pretty cool. Stopping terrorists, busting up drug cartels, saving people's lives – becoming a real life superhero.

Okay (reservations about 'joining' and why she isn't mad as hell at being kidnapped aside).

The next bit again needs a new paragraph imo.

Unbeknownst to Kaia, however, the secretive backers of their group have been feeding all of them misinformation and carefully controlling their missions for one purpose: to use the Shifters to help the very criminals they believed they were stopping.

Is it only Kaia who doesn't know, or is it all the Shifters who don't know? Or is it only some of them who don't know, and others have known all along?

Unbeknownst to the Shifters, however, their secretive backers are deceiving and manipulating them so they can use the group to assist the very criminals they think they're fighting.

Finding out the truth is one thing, but finding a way out is another – especially when the shadowy cabal you've been working for is willing and able to eliminate its assets the instant they stop being of value.

C'mon, there has to be some emotional response to this discovery. They've been lied to, they've been used, everything they think they stand for has been perverted, they've put drugs on the street and they've helped terrorists to bomb, maim and kill. Where's the emotion?

(continued on next rock)


BuffySquirrel said...Next rock.

--especially when the shadowy backers they've been working for eliminate their assets the instant they lose their value.

Fortunately, Kaia has some powerful new friends on her side, including Connor, that irritating Brit… who also happens to be annoyingly attractive when he risks life and limb to protect those he cares about.

What's Kaia's dilemma? Again, it's not here. Is it in the book?


Evil Editor said...Not wanting to include an error anywhere on my blog, I Googled Paris airport, and found the official name to be Paris Charles de Gaulle. How it's referred to by frequent travelers may differ from how it's referred to by a kid whose only point of reference is the name of the airport on her ticket. If the name of the airport is on her ticket.

In any case, I had no idea when I wrote that whether the abduction took place in, outside, or miles from the airport, so maybe the airport doesn't need to be mentioned at all.


BuffySquirrel said...I sit corrected :). Anyway, we don't need Paris twice. (yes, no face saved)


Author said...From BuffySquirrel:
"Okay, leaving aside the strange assumption that Stockholm Syndrome strikes instantly..."
I think this is a victim of shortening the intro. Here's the order of events: Kaia is arrested upon landing (it's a set-up). Connor breaks in and says "I'm here to rescue you!" Kaia thinks, hey, he's pretty cute. As they're leaving the airport, she starts seeing the holes in the story he's been spinning. He drops the pretense and kidnaps her, at which point she no longer thinks he is cute. She retains that opinion for quite some time, in fact ;-)

Perhaps "High school student Kaia Davis is thrilled to leave behind her unloving foster family for a foreign exchange visit in Paris – until the cute (if cocky) British boy who helped her in the airport up and kidnaps her."

Participle question:
How about flipping it to "...a covert unit made up of teenagers hailing from around the world. Calling themselves 'Shifters,' each of them possesses..."

A terrible mistake? How does Kaia not know she has powers? Discovers?
These questions might be fixed by this edit:
"At first, Kaia's convinced they've made a terrible mistake in choosing her.
Until, that is, they help her tap into a silicon-based power of her own which lets her do little things like shatter and manipulate glass or create flesh-gouging whirlwinds of sand with her mind."

"What's Kaia's dilemma?"
I'd probably sum it up as: She doesn't want to continue being used as a "bad guy" but doesn't want to get killed either. I'm not sure if I just didn't convey that idea clearly, or if there's something else you're asking for that I'm not understanding properly. Please elaborate.

P.S. to Buffy and EE: I honestly didn't think anything of calling it Paris Charles de Gaulle since I speak French - and Kaia speaks French, too. I actually use both its shortened and full name in the book. EE, you inadvertently hit it exactly - it takes place right outside.


Author said...Sorry, Buffy, missed these:

Okay (reservations about 'joining' and why she isn't mad as hell at being kidnapped aside).
This additional sentence might help that:
"Despite her traumatic introduction to their world, Kaia finds the possibility of having a place to belong – a family – too appealing to resist. Joining up turns out to be dangerous and terrifying but still pretty cool..."

C'mon, there has to be some emotional response....Where's the emotion?
"As sickening as it is to realize they've been used as weapons and thugs – that innocent people have suffered at their hands – finding a way out won't be easy.

Especially when the shadowy cabal they've all been working for is willing and able to eliminate its assets the instant they stop behaving."


Maureen said...I love the additional detail about the 'bad guy' and the twist you've set up. This version of the query really makes me want to read more, and I'm sure you're on the right track.

Of course you can't include every detail about how she was helped in discovering her power or how she hones it. I'd cut the last line about Connor - it's already clear that you're setting him up to be the love interest, or something similar anyway.

Anyway, I like it, and I'd read the book based on this. You've made it clear even within the query that finding this new family is preferable to her old family, even if she got there ... um... involuntarily.


AlaskaRavenclaw said...Author, you've got a lot to learn, as we all do. But the one thing which absolutely and completely separates the published from the unpublished is this:

Do you respond to a critique by 1. rewriting, or by 2. answering the critique point by point?


AA said...AlaskaRavenclaw: I don't see that. This author isn't even arguing. It's just a more transparent way of seeing the author's thought processes to be sure the rewrite addresses major problems. He/she obviously wants to be careful not to misunderstand anybody's comment.

I assumed a rewrite was forthcoming after all the problems were addressed.


Author said...Maureen: Thanks for the kind words! EE suggested I cut those lines as well - I'm glad it's still clear Connor is the love interest (it's hard to tell things like that when I'm so close to the story).

Alaska:
"Do you respond to a critique by 1. rewriting, or by 2. answering the critique point by point?"

Well, I definitely have a bit to learn about making my intentions clear ;-)

AA has it right: I was rewriting in response to the critiques and posting those rewrites in sequential order to make sure I was addressing the listed problems.

All of my responses were rewrites, not rebuttals.

I was thinking it would be better to say "Is this what you meant?" or "Does this address the problem you saw?" in small doses instead of posting an entire rewrite when I wasn't sure if more comments were forthcoming.

I certainly was not intending to belittle any criticisms. Quite the contrary - I came here for your opinions, and I am doing my best to incorporate your suggestions.

I will post the next version (with the changes I noted incorporated) very shortly.


Author said...Okay, here's the second rewrite, incorporating the changes I had mentioned yesterday. See if this fixes the issues mentioned. (I kept the word recruited because it actually is accurate to the way the story plays out - if it still sounds odd, please let me know. "Pulled into" is another possibility.)


High school student Kaia Davis is thrilled to leave behind her unloving foster family for a foreign exchange visit in Paris – until the cute (if cocky) British boy who helped her in the airport up and kidnaps her.

Kaia wakes up to find she's been recruited into a covert unit made up of teenagers hailing from around the world. Calling themselves "Shifters," each of them possesses the ability to manipulate one of the earth's elements – transforming them from gas to liquid, altering their structure, or just moving them around really fast and whacking people with them.

At first, Kaia's convinced they've made a terrible mistake in choosing her. Until, that is, they help her tap into a silicon-based power of her own which lets her do little things like shatter and manipulate glass or create flesh-gouging whirlwinds of sand with her mind.

Despite her traumatic introduction to their world, Kaia finds the possibility of having a place to belong – a family – too appealing to resist.

Joining up turns out to be dangerous and terrifying but still pretty cool. Stopping terrorists, busting up drug cartels, saving people's lives – becoming a real life superhero.

Unbeknownst to the Shifters, however, their secretive backers have been manipulating them for one purpose: to help the very criminals they believed they were stopping. As sickening as it is to realize they've been used as weapons and thugs – that innocent people have suffered at their hands – finding a way out won't be easy.

Especially when the shadowy cabal they've all been working for is willing and able to eliminate its assets the instant they stop behaving.


AA said...This is definitely better. It's clear what's at stake. The plot pretty much makes sense. The conflict is obvious. Shaping up.


Author said...I seem to be suffering from "too many cooks with this query. In hopes of getting a final polish on it, I let another group look at the final version from here, and they criticized me for adding all of the details you guys advised me to. I just want something solid to represent my book but can't get a "yeah, this works" to save my life.

Here's the version they "approved" of (not really, they just hate it a little less). It makes some things vague again but is punchier in parts. Does this seem like an improvement or a step in the wrong direction?

QUERY:
High school student Kaia Davis is thrilled to leave behind her unloving foster family for a foreign exchange visit – until the cute (if cocky) British boy who helped her in the airport up and kidnaps her.

Kaia wakes up to find she's been recruited into a covert unit made up of teenagers from around the world. They call themselves "Shifters," and each possesses the ability to manipulate one of the atomic elements – transforming them from gas to liquid, altering their structure, or just moving them around really fast and whacking people with them.

Kaia's convinced they've made a terrible mistake… and then they help her tap into a silicon-based power of her own. With it, she can shatter and manipulate glass and create flesh-gouging whirlwinds of sand with her mind.

Despite her traumatic introduction to their world, Kaia finds the possibility of having a place to belong too appealing to resist. Plus, she gets to take out terrorists, bust up drug cartels, and save people's lives. She is a real life superhero.

If only the secretive backers of their group weren't so darn evil.

SHIFTED is a YA sci-fi novel with a multicultural cast and complete for your review. It stands alone but is the first of a planned series of three books.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Evil Editor said...This is the same as the last version you submitted here, except that instead of telling us what the villains are up to you just tell us they're darn evil.

I generally prefer specificity over vagueness. I don't see that's there's much of a downside in this new version. She's a superhero, she has a family. If we don't know the evil people are a threat to Kaia's job/family/life, why should we care about them?


BuffySquirrel said...Obviously we are right and they are wrong. Uh, I mean, well.

I like the revision you posted much better than the original. It's pacier and it seems to me I understand what's going on. In the version the other group liked, you still need a but rather than an and in the terrible mistake paragraph.

You could always fling this at QueryShark for a casting vote. Although she's meaner than we are.


AlaskaRavenclaw said...I think the last version works better than the previous one. Yes to details but no to excess verbiage explaining said details.

Trouble with QueryShark is she's got a huge backlog and your chances of actually getting critiqued, esp. in a timely fashion, are slim.

I'm not sure anyone is meaner than we are.


Author said...@EE

"I generally prefer specificity over vagueness...If we don't know the evil people are a threat to Kaia's job/family/life, why should we care about them?"

I was thinking the same thing but found it hard to maintain my confidence in the face of a stream of negative Internet bombardment. I definitely value your input on this - thank you.

@Buffy

I see what you mean about the "but." Thank you.

I actually did send the final version from here to the Shark but she hasn't bitten :-)

@everyone

Sorry if it looks like I was asking about really insignificant changes, but I've been staring at this so long it seemed like every word has earth-shattering importance.

I really need to get outside a bit, don't I? ;-)


Author said...@Alaska

Thanks for the feedback - I'm glad it's improving! :-)

I get in such a negative internal loop on this sort of stuff I can't tell if it's better, worse, or if starting my own version of "All work and no play makes me a dull girl."

Yeah, I don't hold up much hope for the shark but figured "what they heck." :-)


AlaskaRavenclaw said...QS seems to have critiqued one query a month for the last few, and that's against a reported backlog of hundreds. If I was gonna go up against those kinds of odds, I'd rather just be submitting the damn thing and see what happens.

If it's any help, the plot description in the query with which I landed my agent was four sentences long.

Not long-ass sentences. Just ordinary sentences. Less is more.


Evil Editor said...Hundreds? And we have zero? Of course, if I'd been doing one a month for the past six years, I'd have a backlog of about a thousand.


AlaskaRavenclaw said...[shrug] That's what she sez. I have not seen her inbox, of course.

Probably the speed at which they get sharked is largely responsible for the backlog. Maybe also that she's unanonymous and an agent, so folks are hoping to get a foot in the door via the shark tank...


Rachel6 said...I liked your second rewrite best, with the details about the villains. You had my attention. You had my full, I-bet-my-sister-would-like-this-too attention, which means I'll actually get the book.

Brava, author! Please let us know when you sell the book, because I'll be watching the stores!


Author said...@RachelDefinitely :-) (fingers -and toes- crossed)

@Alaska
Yeah, I sent it to her mostly on a whim - and I'm definitely not waiting on her to send out my letter.

@EE
Maybe you shouldn't be so darn efficient and hard-working - then you could have a backlog, too ;-)


Anonymous said...I have a problem with mc being kidnapped by a cutie at the end of first 'graph and waking up at the start of the second.

??? That leap needs a connection or progression that I couldn't detect.

Also "Shifters" hit me as the wrong word in this query. Preconceived notions.

On "every word has earth-shattering importance", I believe that to be true in the query.


Good luck. Maybe set it aside for a bit.

New Beginning 1029

The trees didn’t say a word. They never did. They watched. They always watched. Well, today, I watched them right back. I stood in the middle of the dog park, staring at the woods in the distance. The trees huddled together like giant aliens, studying me for some crazy experiment. The leaves flickered in the breeze as if a million green fingers were reaching out, begging me to come inside.

So weird.

Sure, Mom’s warning blared in my head for the millionth time. I mean it, Cody. It’s too dangerous. Gangs and drug addicts hang out in those woods. You’re never to go in there. Understand? Never.

I stared at the trees. Never? Like never ever? But my friends would be stinking jealous if I went in the woods without them. This time, I’d have all the great stories to tell when they got back from summer camp.

Sweat dripped down my face and I wiped it with my t-shirt. Matt and Zach left for camp yesterday. They were probably swimming in that freeze-your-toes-off lake right now. Lucky turds. The only water I’d get to swim in was in the bathtub.

But that wouldn't be so bad if it was the giant alien trees' bathtub, cause it would have to be as big as the lake, only deeper and there'd be whales I could ride and I'd have my own personal submarine with torpedoes to blow up sea monsters and save the world from Aquaman's enemies now that he's too old to be fighting underwater supervillains like The Malignant Amoeba and The Human Flying Fish and Aquabeast. Plus I'd have my own enemies like Sharkwoman and The Electric Eel, and Captain Piranha. And there'd be pirates, of course, and crocodiles and daily sharknadoes and my weapons would be spear guns and rubberduck grenades and I'd have a sidekick named Squirt and they'd call me--

"Cody," Mom yelled. "Time to go home for your bath."

Crap.

Opening: Diane Adrian.....Continuation:Evil Editor

Synopsis 41

Ratman's Revenge

When eleven-year-old CODY feels left out and alone [abandoned] by his too-busy divorced parents and his off-at-summer-camp friends, he ventures into the woods for the first time. There he meets two kids who claim to live in a city deep below the surface of the earth where everyone has amazing paranormal abilities. Of course, Cody doesn’t believe them. [Of course. But later when no one believes Cody about seeing a man-sized rat, he won't understand how they can be so dense.]

The next day, Cody’s mom bails on him when she starts dating a new guy, and Cody’s dad says he’s moving to across the country with his giggly girlfriend. Cody has had enough and storms off to the woods. This time, he begs the kids to take him to their underground city. Even though [when] they warn him [that] once he goes down, he can never go home again, Cody is all-in. [He can never go home because it's against the rules or because it's physically impossible?]

With strange caves to explore and plenty of new friends with crazy abilities, Cody thinks he’s scored the perfect new home. Except outsiders from the surface are not allowed. [So the kids who brought him down and the plenty of new friends he's made are unaware that surfacians aren't allowed?] But when Cody is discovered by the Council of Elders, instead of executing him, they ask for his help. [If execution is the usual penalty for being there, you'd think that would have been mentioned by the kids who brought him down.] With his knowledge of the surface, he may be able to find out what happened to their missing Detectors, the citizens who protect the underground city by patrolling the surface.

As a way to find the Detectors, the council wants to teach Cody paranormal abilities and create a psychic link between Cody and the Detectors. [Have they tried creating a psychic link between the two kids Cody met in the woods and the Detectors?] Cody is determined to help his new home [friends]. The problem is, he’s failing his simplest paranormal classes, and a man-sized rat, RATMAN, attacks [him] every step of the way by using paranormal abilities to create Cody’s dangerous “accidents.”

Since Cody is the only one who sees the giant rat, no one [else] believes Ratman exists. So while Cody struggle[s] to find the Detectors, he wants to figure out who or what Ratman is and why he’s attacking him.

When Cody finally develops visions in his meditation class, he gets glimpses into the mind of Ratman. He discovers [that Ratman is usually thinking about cheese.] there’s a real man behind the rat illusion, [If you're gonna create the illusion that you're an animal, you oughta be able to come up with something better than a rat.] and that man is a vengeful council member, KIRK, who has been using the missing Detectors to locate a mysterious power source that can create an earthquake. Cody fears Kirk is about to get his revenge for the death of his family by destroying the city with a man-made earthquake. [This is the plot of that Star Trek episode where Kirk destroys the planet Romulus as revenge for some Romulan woman digging Spock more than she digs Kirk.] [Also, how did this Elder's family die? Unless everyone in the city was responsible, destroying the city seems like overkill.]

But when the entire Council of Elders is the next to disappear, it’s up to Cody and his friends to stop Kirk. [I see we've decided to call him Kirk instead of Ratman. If Ratman is an illusion and is actually Captain Kirk in a rat costume, maybe the title should be Kirk's Revenge. You'd see huge sales to Trekkies who think it's fanfic.] Despite their best efforts, one of Cody’s friends is killed [The one in the red uniform shirt.] and the remaining friends are held under Kirk’s hypnotic spell.

As the earth begins to shake, Cody is left to face Kirk’s wrath [The Wrath of Kirk] alone and save his new home. Cody draws on the simple talents he had on the surface—quick thinking and telling a convincing lie—to deceive Kirk and refocus the power source to kill him. [Quick thinking and lying may be useful talents, but do they allow you to refocus a power source that's causing an earthquake so that it kills one wererat?] The council and the Detectors are then freed from Kirk’s control.


Notes

If these other kids are able to come to the surface, why wouldn't Cody be able to come back and go home?

Are the people who were unable to see Ratman able to see Kirk?

Hard to believe they pin all their hopes on an eleven-year-old stranger who fails even the simplest paranormal classes, just because he has some familiarity with the planet's surface. It would be easier to have Cody teach someone who aced his paranormal classes about the surface.

Face-Lift 1212

Guess the Plot

Ratman's Revenge

1. When Batman's latest movie is turned into a laughing stock thanks to a typo, the caped crusader goes on the rampage, clad in garments sourced from the gutter. Can the Joker persuade his nemesis to get real for the good of comics buffs worldwide? Or will he too run afoul of the errant wordsmith, and forever be cast as...the Poker? Or the PUKER?

2. When he discovers an awesome underground city with crystal caves and super-powered friends, Cody is thrilled. He's ready to make it his permanent home. Now, if only that mutant man-sized rat would quit trying to exterminate him.

3. In a damp cave where all God's creatures used to scurry and play, one lone rat hides. With one arm in a sling and two whiskers singed to the nubs, he waits, plotting his revenge.

4. Detailing Andrew Ratman's lifelong campaign to wreak vengeance on anybody who does so much as snicker at his name when introduced.

5. Ratman has successfully defeated the Diddler, Shoe-Face, and Gnatwoman. But when DC Comics lawyers coming knocking at the Ratcave door, can he convince them that he's not infringing on their copyrights? Or will Ratman meet his end at the hands of Cease-and-Desist Man?

6. Exterminator JC Bardley hasn't had a good day. His wife left him for the deli guy; his daughter called from Swarthmore, telling him she needs more money; and his son got thrown off the track team for something that happened in the showers. So when his accountant calls to say the tax man cometh, he heads for the company truck. It's time for the . . . Ratman's Revenge.



Dear Evil Editor:

When eleven-year-old Cody sneaks into an underground city, he battles a giant rat with paranormal powers determined to exterminate him. [We don't need this sentence; it's all repeated later on, except Cody's age, which can be added at the start of the next sentence.]

Cody is fed up with feeling [feels] left-out when his friends go off to summer camp and his too-busy-to-care divorced parents bail on him again. He ventures into the woods for the first time and discovers a tunnel leading to a city hidden underground with crystal caves, slugs-and-bugs soup, and new friends with awesome abilities like reading minds and seeing visions. [In some cities, seeing visions is considered less an ability than an affliction.]

Best. Home. EVER. [A place where people can read my mind doesn't sound so great to me, but of course when I was an eleven-year-old I probably didn't constantly imagine my teacher naked.]

But Cody’s new adventures take a pants-wetting turn when the people who protect the city, the Detectors, start disappearing. [That doesn't sound like a pants-wetting turn. More like a mere downturn or setback.] Without their warnings, the city could get blind-sided by earthquakes, floods, or invasions by deadly beasts. Using their psychic abilities, the city’s leaders discover someone is controlling the minds of the Detectors, but they have no idea who or why.

Cody isn’t about to let his new home come crashing down around him, but every time he tries to help, a mutant man-sized rat attacks him. Ratman roasts Cody with a hot crystal, pushes him down the Devil’s Mouth hole, and tries to drown him in the river. [Now those sound like pants-wetting turns.]

But Cody can’t stop. His clues point to Ratman as the one controlling the Detectors. And since Cody is the only one who sees the giant rat, no one else believes the freaky fur-face even exists. [Not that it matters, but is Ratman invisible to others, or does he attack only when no one else is around?]

It’s up to Cody to trap Ratman in time to save the Detectors and the city from whatever this whiskered weirdo is plotting. Or at least before Ratman’s next attack actually kills Cody.

RATMAN’S REVENGE, 76,000 words, may appeal to readers of Brandon Mull’s Fablehaven and Jeanne DuPrau’s The City of Ember. I am enclosing the synopsis below per your guidelines.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best regards,

(my info)


Notes

Usually when you seek revenge, it's on someone who's wronged you. If no one even believes Ratman exists, how will anyone know why he wants revenge? How satisfying will Ratman's revenge be if no one knows what they did to incur his wrath? In Revenge of the Nerds, the revenge wouldn't have been nearly as sweet if the Nerds had simply bombed the jocks' frat house and the jocks all died never knowing what hit them. In Revenge of the Sith . . . well, I never saw that one, having given up on Star Wars after the Jar Jar Binks episode.

All of which is why you should change the title to Cody Cooper and the Mutant Man-sized Rat. This makes it easy to name all the sequels, i.e. Cody Cooper and the Mutant Man-sized Porcupine.

Other than that, it does sound like something kids would dig. Although it's often said that kids like to read about older kids, so if you want your audience to include 11-year-olds, you could make Cody 13.

Evil Editor Classics

Guess the Plot

Forever

1. Bored with the other vampires in the nest, Lisle goes hunting for fresh companions. Soon she's swarmed by hipsters and wanna-be's. Will she have to bite them all to find the one she wants to keep . . . forever?

2. While gazing at her latest painting, artist Alysse is literally drawn into the fantastical world she created in her head. For the first time ever she's happy. But will she be happy when she finds out she may be trapped inside her head . . . forever?

3. Jack Miller is living a normal life in the suburbs of America until his wife receives a call that will change everything. Her mother has been bitten by a vampire and cast out of her neighborhood. Now the mother-in-law-turned-undying-demon must live in Jack's guest bedroom . . . forever.

4. Katie Holloway always signed her love letters to her hockey goalie fiance Malcolm Daley “Forever yours”. The words take on a new meaning when Malcolm dies in a freak Zamboni accident and is buried in the newly opened Eternal Springs cemetery where the residents don’t rest peacefully. Can Malcolm prove his undying love, or will Katie convince him once and for all that “forever” doesn’t mean spending the rest of her days as a zombie bride?

5. High school seniors Katherine and Michael hook up, make the beast with two backs, and believe they are destined to be together "forever". Then Katherine gets a job at a summer camp, meets a hot tennis instructor, dumps Michael, and finds herself destined to live on the ALA list of Most Challenged Books... forever.

6. The diary of a leprechaun. Complete details of his interest in milkmaids, his campaign to rid the isle of wee pesky elves, his fear of vampires. Plus, a pot of gold, two dozen silly sheep, and an unreliable talking fish.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Alysse is expected to do well at everything she does, all because she is an only child. Her parents are very strict, claiming that they gave up everything for her to be successful. Nevertheless, as much as Alysse tries she cannot understand Maths, speak Greek or run a marathon. [We give up everything for you, and you crap out after twenty miles?!] The only thing she can do is paint. Her favorite thing in the world is drawing out whatever is in her mind, usually resulting in what looks like scenes from a different world, which are so fantastical, you cannot help but stare. When her mother discovers that she was not accepted to any college but the Academy of Art, Alysse realizes what people mean when they say words can kill. [The Academy of Art? You pathetic no-talent fool, we wanted you to go somewhere where you'd learn to do something useful. Like speak Greek. How are you gonna survive if you move to Greece and don't know how to say, "Where's my government handout?] She finds herself staring at her latest drawing, the most absurd [Bizarre? Wondrous? Awesome?] of them all. After a few minutes a strange force begins pulling her towards the painting. [I once wrote a short story in which a strange force was pulling me toward Carthage. Or was it Corinth? The cool thing about strange forces is that anytime you need a character to go somewhere (like into a paining) but you can't think of a logical way to get them there, you can just have a strange force draw them there, and no one can complain that you have a plot hole because strange forces override everything.] Her body crosses the portal between the real and the invented when she finds herself in the little world originated in her mind. She thinks she is happy for the first time, but it is not long until she realizes that she can never leave that place again. [At long last I've found true happiness. Get me the hell outta here!] She is stuck inside her head, [If this were a Twilight Zone episode, which is what it sounds like, it would end here with Alysse either horrified as she realizes she's stuck inside her head forever or happy as she sits in a padded room humming a tune and playing with finger paints as her doctors look through the window and shake their heads.] and she has less than a day before the exit is closed FOREVER. [You just said she could never leave. One sentence later you say she can.]

I look forward to hearing from you.


Notes

Presumably you are merely seeking feedback on whether your plot is hooking us, and are aware that a query letter needs word count, genre, and a more obvious indication of what the book's title is.

Paragraphing would be nice. It shows that you have some basic organizational skills. Plus some editors would rather reject you without reading your query than slog their way into a paragraph that they might be trapped in . . . FOREVER.

This is all setup. We know who Alysse is and we know what her situation is. We want to know how she handles her dilemma. Are there people in her new world? Does anything bad happen there? What are the consequences of staying versus getting out? If staying is bad, is there a villain trying to keep her there? The main character is in her happy place; why should she (or we) care if she never gets out?

What is her body doing when she's stuck inside her head? Is it in a coma? Does she have any control over it?

Selected Comments

T.K. Marnell said...If Alysse's parents are immigrants, I would mention that before the disappointment that she can't speak Greek (and if they're not, then I'm very confused). I'm also a little confused by the "words can kill" bit...you can be poetic in the novel, but here the point is that she and her parents fight. You can easily tidy up the whole thing and leave more room for what happens after being sucked in with something like this:

"Alysse is expected to do well at everything she does. As her immigrant parents' only child, she's supposed to be brilliant at maths, run marathons, and speak Greek fluently, but the only thing she can do is paint. When she's rejected by every college but the Academy of Art, her parents are sorely disappointed. Alysse escapes to her room to work on her latest painting, a fantastical scene that looks like it could be from another world. Suddenly, as she stares at her canvas, she's pulled into the absurd world created in her mind...[rest of query here]"

No offense intended, but this sounds like the stories I wrote in high school. I tried the trapped-in-her-head track for my first novel in senior year, and it was a total bust. I'm not sure there's enough material here for a full-blown book. If there is, it isn't presented in this query. Is Alysse the only person in her made-up world? Or does she develop alter egos? Is there some magical being responsible for the mystical force that she can fight or fall in love with? I can't tell whether I'd like the story yet because you haven't told us anything substantial about it.


BuffySquirrel said...It's hard to work out what's wrong with this query--aside from, as EE says, it being nearly all setup. I think I find much of the setup hard to accept. Yes, there are such pushy parents, but I think we don't need much beyond 'Alysse has two very pushy parents who expect her to excel in all subjects'. It's not because she's an only child. It's because they're barmy.

Further, children learn. They can't help it. Why then is Alysse unable to learn? What's wrong with her? What happens when she tries to learn Greek or to run? Or does she literally spend all her time drawing? In which case, I'd think her parents have bigger problems than a lack of college places.

The questions raised by the early part of the query make it hard to engage with the story that's being presented. It's not about answering those questions; it's about preventing them being asked.

Alysse has two very pushy parents who are never satisfied, and when they learn that the only college prepared to give her a place is the Academy of Art, they freak. Then Alysse gets drawn into the fantasy world. Then...whatever happens then.


PLaF said...What is Alysse’s real problem – her parents? Failure to excel? Accidentally uses magic paint? I assume she’s in high school, so where is the drama? How does crossing the portal between the real and the invented change this problem? Who does she meet that can help or hurt her in trying to solve this problem? What does she learn? How does she apply what she has learned to solve the problem? Is Forever the real title? Are there vampires in her artsy wordl?


khazar-khum said...Once she's in the happy place, does she find out that this is really where she was supposed to be? Is there a changeling, a fantasy Alysse who only speaks Greek and is the bane of her Flawenty-speaking parents? Do they change places? Can Alysse paint changelings into their proper homes?

I'd read that.


sarahhawthorne said...This is an old story, but one that can still work - IF Alysse's surrealistic world is amazing enough.

Compare your story with "Coraline," "Spirited Away," "Labyrinth," or even "The NeverEnding Story." The 'real world' problem is only a framing device to the fantasy world, which is where the heroine must complete her quest.

Start over: Alysse's parents expect her to excel at everything - sports, academics, languages - but all she's really good at is painting. After another epic fight with her mother, Alysse sits down in front of her canvas... and suddenly finds herself transported into the world of her imagination.
And then what happens?


vkw said...I thought the premise was good, but it is all set-up. Alysse's parents are expecting her to be something she is not. She escapes her shame/guilt/anger by allowing/being/ pulled into a painting where she is happy.

she soon finds out (how? tell me its a changeling. I just don't think we have enough changleing stories out there) that if she doesn't escape her fantasy world by tomorrow at midnight, she will never be able to leave. And, the problem with this is? (If someone lives in heaven, why do they want to leave?)


khazar-khum said...Maybe her real parents in her new land have been desperately searching for her for years, and this is an answer to their prayers.


Jo-Ann said...Ancient and Modern Greek are very different languages, and I suspect she's being pushed to learn Ancient Greek to read classical literature in the original, a skill which screams "expensive education" but has no practical application in the real world... other than to impress others with an expensive education, and therefore fast-track her to a managerial career in the British civil service (yes, minister). In which case, living in her own head sounds like a much nicer alternative and I can hardly blame her for choosing this option.

The classical Greek stuff might tie-in nicely with the world-in-head if its inhabited by the pantheon. Except she flunked Greek and can't converse with them, but that's ok, it's in her head and they kindly learn English for her benefit. Or speak in tongues, hey, they are gods, after all.

Ok, that was a diversion... what was I going to say? Yep, what the rest said, your story has potential but it's all set up.

Dont give up, start over and have some fun with Alysse and her paintings.


Mister Furkles said...Every story needs a main story problem that the MC will try to resolve. Other than being in a dream world, she doesn't appear to have a main problem to solve.


A. M. Perkins said...My biggest question was definitely at the end: she has a terrible life with terrible parents who verbally abuse her, yet, when she's pulled into a world of pure happiness, she freaks out that she might be trapped there.

Color me confused.

While it may make sense in your book, I'm not understanding the truncated version. Here it sounds like a choice made to further the plot, not a choice your character would actually make.