Caption: StacyYour caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.
Why you don't get published.
Friday, September 04, 2009
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Face-Lift 670
Guess the Plot
Whiz-Bang Fantastic
1. Dashiell Colourful is an extraordinary gentleman: charming, refined, affable, a sharp dresser . . . in a word, whiz-bang fantastic. Yet he's bored with his life--until he finally meets someone who's neither whiz-bang nor fantastic. Also, a talking fox.
2. Egbert Ostlethwaite's Family Fireworks Company has been failing for years. Now it's on the verge of bankruptcy, and everything hinges on whether Egbert's sons, Toby and Trevor, can rediscover the secret recipe for their best firework, the Whiz-Bang Fantastic, in time for Guy Fawkes Night.
3. As Guppy Tweed, the neighborhood pot dealer, makes his rounds, he notices all the cats on Mrs. Finch's porch staring at him with giant glowing red eyeballs. Is he having one of his hallucinations? Or has he discovered the secret hideout of the witches who keep Ferndale safe from zombies? Plus, a psychic albino watchmaker and his dog.
4. Brenda is skeptical when her dating service sends pictures of a guy in a wizard suit, complete with some kind of Harry Potter wand and funky broom! Get real! Grow up! But women over 33 are all desperate, so she meets the guy anyway, and whoa! Discovers a wiz bang is fantastic!
5. Terry wanted to be a superhero all his life, but when he tours their headquarters, he discovers that the heroes are some of the most manipulative and conniving people he's ever met. If he dons a suit, buys some fireworks, and becomes the masked man known only as Whiz-Bang, can he provide a better sort of hero for the city?
6. When Norma Small finds a genie in her bottle of Whiz-Bang soda she uses her wishes to break into the bottling company. There she joins four other intrepid teens who had the same idea. Together they will uncover a plot so mysterious even they can't understand the implications.
Original Version
Dear Agent,
Dashiell Colourful is an extraordinary gentleman. He's charming, refined, street-smart, handsome, and a sharp dresser. He's intelligent, affable, strong and agile. To put it succinctly, he is Whiz-Bang Fantastic. [Why didn't you put it succinctly in the first place?] As such, he is the protagonist of Whiz-Bang Fantastic, an 83,000-word fantasy novel of perfect worlds, thrilling adventures, and discoveries that could change virtually everything. ["Everything" is a big vague word. Could these discoveries change the gestation period of the wildebeest? The number of planets in the solar system? What's the most important thing these discoveries could change? That's all I care about.]
Dashiell leads a charmed life in the vibrant town of The City, a gilded place where everything [There's that word again.] is grand and amazing. He works as a haberdasher, selling the most chic wares the High Street has to offer, he has a loving wife and a talking fox for a pet, his best friend is a flamboyant stage actor, [So far this query is a series of lists. Anyone can make lists. Tell me a story.] and he is admired and respected by all.
And he finds it endlessly boring!
He tries to lash out against his walk in life however he can, from soaring through the air on his aluminum "Gull" glider, to exploring the vast, untamed forest in his backyard [to reading his beloved thesaurus]. He's still in a rut, however, and he thinks nothing will ever change… until he meets Raleigh.
Raleigh is a young woman that Dashiell found wandering in the forest, lost and injured. She's not grand and amazing, and we probably wouldn't notice her on the street. To Dashiell, however, and to his world, she's like nothing they've ever seen before! [Instead of telling us what she isn't (grand and amazing), tell us what she is. What is it about her that makes it obvious she isn't grand and amazing?]
Raleigh's arrival in The City causes an astounding stir, [It's not the stir that's astounding; the stir is perfectly natural and to be expected given the circumstances.] and sends Dashiell and everyone close to him on a journey of perspective, realization, and self-discovery. [Vague. What do they do, specifically?] Some, though, believe Raleigh to be a corruptive influence due to her being the complete opposite to the way of things, and no one can be sure what else may change… [This is all vague. What happens when Raleigh arrives in The City? Who's the bad guy?]
Whiz-Bang Fantastic is my first completed novel. I work primarily as an animator, with experience in both traditional and computer animation. As such, I have an extensive knowledge of modern media. [How is that relevant?] My writing has won me the Seamus Flynn Memorial Award, a local scholarship for creative achievement. I've enclosed the full manuscript for your consideration. Thank you in advance for your time.
Sincerely,
Notes
This is similar to the September book chat book. It's a book about the far-reaching effects of one little change on a community. Except you're not showing us any concrete effects. Does someone try to run Raleigh out of town? Who? Does it lead to conflict between the townspeople? Is there danger to anyone? You're giving us the set-up, and we can infer the theme, but you don't tell us anything that happens.
It's usually a waste of paper and postage to enclose the full manuscript at the query stage. If guidelines are available, send what they request. If not, hold off until they request the manuscript.
You say that Dashiell is the protagonist of Whiz-Bang Fantastic because he is Whiz-Bang Fantastic. But everyone else is also Whiz-Bang Fantastic, right? Dashiell is actually the protagonist because he's the first one to see Raleigh.
Which leads me to ask, as The City is just one town, why hasn't anyone in this town ever seen anyone who wasn't amazing? Is the town totally isolated and self-sufficient, or are all the delivery people who bring goods/mail/news from other towns also whiz-bang fantastic? Hasn't anyone ever visited another town? Is Raleigh the only person in the world who isn't amazing? In a children's book this wouldn't be an issue, and perhaps it isn't in yours, but if there's an explanation in the book, maybe slipping it into the query would be helpful. I'm not sure why people would consider themselves whiz-bang fantastic if they are no more amazing than the only people they've ever had to compare themselves to.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
New Beginning 680
Listen to me.
I jogged onto Main Street, into the chaos of ordinary life and away from the silent, empty suburbs. A yellow taxi blared its horn.
Listen to me.
I hummed a tune. Its name, its lyrics, its notes didn’t matter; all that mattered was the vibration in my throat and jawbone and ears. Some friends waved me over to where they sat outside a café, and I joined their circle. I swished tea through my teeth, laughed at clever jokes, and talked about nothing for upwards of an hour. A pigeon landed on the next table over and cooed at me.
Stop talking and listen to me.
A friend burped, and in the resulting bout of laughter and apologies, the pigeon fluttered away through the golden evening air.
Taking my leave, I wandered down the street again until I reached the movie theater. One ticket to an adventure—plenty of guns, a car chase or two, people shouting. Surround sound at top volume.
Listen to me!
After the movie, I went on to a rock concert; hundreds of people screaming and dancing while the band pounded out its rhythms on the stage. I got close to the speakers, so I could feel the music, literally, running through me, the bass line shaking my bones.
Listen to me, goddamnit.
I spent the night in a subway tunnel, with my ear pressed against the ground, hearing the trains as they rumble past.
Will you fuckin' listen to me?
In the morning, I went and found some roadworks. I stood five feet behind the guy with the pneumatic drill, watching as he cut out big slabs of tarmac, feeling the machine's pulsing in the soles of my feet.
Listen to me, jerkwad! You keep this up, you'll be stone deaf before you're thirty. I'm an ear specialist, for God's sake. I know what I'm talking about. LISTEN TO ME!
Opening: _*Rachel*_.....Continuation: Steve Wright
I jogged onto Main Street, into the chaos of ordinary life and away from the silent, empty suburbs. A yellow taxi blared its horn.
Listen to me.
I hummed a tune. Its name, its lyrics, its notes didn’t matter; all that mattered was the vibration in my throat and jawbone and ears. Some friends waved me over to where they sat outside a café, and I joined their circle. I swished tea through my teeth, laughed at clever jokes, and talked about nothing for upwards of an hour. A pigeon landed on the next table over and cooed at me.
Stop talking and listen to me.
A friend burped, and in the resulting bout of laughter and apologies, the pigeon fluttered away through the golden evening air.
Taking my leave, I wandered down the street again until I reached the movie theater. One ticket to an adventure—plenty of guns, a car chase or two, people shouting. Surround sound at top volume.
Listen to me!
After the movie, I went on to a rock concert; hundreds of people screaming and dancing while the band pounded out its rhythms on the stage. I got close to the speakers, so I could feel the music, literally, running through me, the bass line shaking my bones.
Listen to me, goddamnit.
I spent the night in a subway tunnel, with my ear pressed against the ground, hearing the trains as they rumble past.
Will you fuckin' listen to me?
In the morning, I went and found some roadworks. I stood five feet behind the guy with the pneumatic drill, watching as he cut out big slabs of tarmac, feeling the machine's pulsing in the soles of my feet.
Listen to me, jerkwad! You keep this up, you'll be stone deaf before you're thirty. I'm an ear specialist, for God's sake. I know what I'm talking about. LISTEN TO ME!
Opening: _*Rachel*_.....Continuation: Steve Wright
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
Face-Lift 669
Guess the Plot
Love Ya Mouse
1. Improve your computer's performance through romance! This handy manual will show you how to smooch your monitor, seduce your motherboard, and of course . . . love ya mouse.
2. In a Disney World restaurant Dave witnesses a customer's complaint that the chicken hasn't appeared, by which he means Donald Duck isn't on the scene. Realizing something should be done about ignorant and obnoxious theme park patrons, Dave complains to Mickey Mouse. But Mickey just calls him a butthead.
3. In Cleveland, a single mom is raising twin daughters. One night a mouse dressed up as a king demands one of the daughters as a bride, claiming both girls will die if he is refused. So the mom gives him the "bad" sister. After a week he brings her back and demands the other. So the mom gives him the "good" sister. After a week he brings her back and demands the mom. So the mom goes with him and turns into a mouse, and they live happily ever after in an amazingly well-furnished little burrow in the backyard — until a cat in a cape takes over the 'hood.
4. Fuzz, a pacifist cat, protects a group of mice from other felines. Along the way his heart is stolen by the gorgeous mouse Clarissa Cheese. But when Clarissa betrays him to the cat mafia for three pounds of cheddar, can Fuzz shed his pacifist beliefs and get his revenge?
5. Brenda is skeptical when her new dating service sends pictures of a rodent, but desperate people must do desperate things, so she meets the mouse, and is delighted to discover he writes screenplays and has his own tiny penthouse with deluxe exercise wheel and a lifetime supply of nourishing seeds.
6. Somebody dropped a safe on Jerry's tiny little head and Tom wants to know who. Can Kojak crack the case in time to save Wile E. Coyote from the same fate? Who Loves Ya Mouse?
Original Version
Dear Evil,
Mild-mannered Dave Jevik had taken his family to Disney once before but it hadn’t been like this. He hated run-ins with pushy Disneyphiles like Nancy and Vinnie Zandanel, who eat the meek for lunch in Orlando. It isn’t long, however, before Dave sees how different life is on the other side of the decorum tracks. He watches and learns as Nancy works the system and plans military-style incursions designed to maximize efficiency in the parks. He cringes yet celebrates as she skillfully punishes line cutters and obnoxious children while overcoming obstacles like stroller people, oversized support teams for wheel chair guests, scooter maniacs and worst of all, helicopter parents. [If Dave is here with his family, why aren't they complaining about him following Nancy around? Even if he's alone, at the prices of tickets, would he really just watch another customer for tips on efficiently seeing the attractions?]
Dave learns that there is a right way and a wrong way to make it work, as evidenced by a customer tantrum he watches in a Disney restaurant:
“So where is he? Where’s the goddamned chicken?”
“What chicken, sir?”
“You know damn well what chicken! White feathers, big yellow beak, talks funny. My five-year old is screaming for his ass. When’s he coming out?”
“Do you mean Donald?”
“How the hell should I know his name? I’m a grown man!”
“Donald doesn’t appear in this restaurant, sir.”
“What? A hundred bucks for dinner and we don’t get to see the goddamn chicken?”
“Sir, Donald is a duck, not a chicken.” [Amusing dialogue, but it doesn't effectively make the point you claimed it does, and an excerpt isn't needed in a query letter.]
The story isn’t without intrigue, even if it is a flimsy, transparent plot device that’s clearly there only to give the protagonists a chance to shine. Dave and Vinnie bumble behind the scenes as they work to expose the seamy truth about a fraudulent lawsuit based back home in Indiana. Along the way they literally go underground where they encounter Mickey (who calls Dave “Butthead”), and Cinderella (who is cussing out a coworker while puffing on a cigarette) before witnessing an arm-wrestling match between Pinocchio and Aladdin. [It may be a flimsy, transparent plot device, but if exposing the fraudulent lawsuit is Dave's reason for being here, it's the only plot you've got. So fill us in on the lawsuit.]
If you don’t mind some political incorrectness and some good-natured bashing of Disney and its devotees (I’m one), you might enjoy this story for the laughs even if a satire about the most powerful entertainment force in America is a horrible and unmarketable idea. Parents who have visited Disney World will devour the accuracy and detail and will relish the discussions on the rule breakers that they’ve all come across.
The last time I visited Disney I knew I had to write this. “Love Ya Mouse” is a 60,000 word satire for the Disney fanatics who didn’t drink the Kool-aid. Please let me know if you’d like to take a look.
Thanks,
Notes
It's good that you recognize that the Mouse will have you killed if you publish this,
just as I will be killed for posting the photograph to the right (They didn't mind selling me the overpriced ears, as long as I lock them in a safe and never let anyone see them.), but the key to satirizing an entity that will sue your pants off is to change all the names. The Simpsons don't visit Disney World, they go to Itchy and Scratchy Land or Krusty World or whatever. National Lampoon's Vacation was in Walley World. Make up your own theme park and characters. It's not like obnoxious people don't visit theme parks other than Disney. For maximum comic effect, exaggerate the obnoxiousness of the guests at your park.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Success Story
D Jason Cooper, author of numerous openings, several of which have been made into Evil Editor Films, reports: Ruthless Peoples Magazine has published my flash fiction, "Zombie Consciousness". It's free to download.
I'm sure the muttonchopped editor whose brains get eaten isn't based on anyone in particular.
New Beginning 679
July 1304
Bishop Lamberton grasped his squire by a shoulder, pushing him toward the open doors at the end of the long, high-arched hall. James twisted out of Lamberton's grasp and whirled to face him. A youth of sixteen, dark-eyed and slender as a knife, James flushed with anger.
“I won’t swear fealty to him."
Lamberton sighed. For an obedient lad, James was being amazingly difficult. "James, do you want your lands back? Your father's title?"
James drew himself up. "You know I do. I must have them.” He shoved shaking fingers through the black tumble of his hair. "My people need me, and it's where I belong. I've sworn to get back what was stolen from my father--a sacred oath."
"Then you must bend a knee to King Edward."
James reluctantly advanced. He knelt not on the crimson carpet directly in front of the King - as a mere squire he didn’t dare presume such an honor - but on the black stone floor slightly to the side. Even as his knee touched the cold granite, it occurred to him that from this position he could strike the King down with one thrust.
To the side of the hall stood silently Sir Crispin, an ally of James’s late father and like James, clad in the black livery of James’s house. If only James were already a knight like Sir Crispin, he would fight for his birthright rather than serving as a pawn in the struggles of the powerful.
The King rose from his throne, advanced to where James knelt, and raised his sword. But instead of accepting James’s oath, he lopped the young squire’s head off with a deft stroke. Sir Crispin, livid with outrage, moved two steps to the right and one ahead, his sword menacing the King and cutting off all escape.
“Checkmate.”
Thus did Myron Finkbiner, for the third year in a row, retain his title as the Association of Historical Fiction Writers’ chess champion.
Opening: J.R. Tomlin.....Continuation: John
Bishop Lamberton grasped his squire by a shoulder, pushing him toward the open doors at the end of the long, high-arched hall. James twisted out of Lamberton's grasp and whirled to face him. A youth of sixteen, dark-eyed and slender as a knife, James flushed with anger.
“I won’t swear fealty to him."
Lamberton sighed. For an obedient lad, James was being amazingly difficult. "James, do you want your lands back? Your father's title?"
James drew himself up. "You know I do. I must have them.” He shoved shaking fingers through the black tumble of his hair. "My people need me, and it's where I belong. I've sworn to get back what was stolen from my father--a sacred oath."
"Then you must bend a knee to King Edward."
James reluctantly advanced. He knelt not on the crimson carpet directly in front of the King - as a mere squire he didn’t dare presume such an honor - but on the black stone floor slightly to the side. Even as his knee touched the cold granite, it occurred to him that from this position he could strike the King down with one thrust.
To the side of the hall stood silently Sir Crispin, an ally of James’s late father and like James, clad in the black livery of James’s house. If only James were already a knight like Sir Crispin, he would fight for his birthright rather than serving as a pawn in the struggles of the powerful.
The King rose from his throne, advanced to where James knelt, and raised his sword. But instead of accepting James’s oath, he lopped the young squire’s head off with a deft stroke. Sir Crispin, livid with outrage, moved two steps to the right and one ahead, his sword menacing the King and cutting off all escape.
“Checkmate.”
Thus did Myron Finkbiner, for the third year in a row, retain his title as the Association of Historical Fiction Writers’ chess champion.
Opening: J.R. Tomlin.....Continuation: John
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Lie to Me 11
“How the hell does this lie-detector-shitting-thing work, anyway?”
“Rhetorical question?” An eyebrow goes up, a friendly kind of a smirk appears, but she doesn’t see it.
“Yes…” She looks up, semi-distracted and annoyed with herself, annoyed with him. “Hell yes, rhetorical. You didn’t actually expect me to expect you to tell me how to get the machine to work that would help me find out what the hell’s really going on with you, right? I mean, come on, give me some credit, Sparky.”
He smiles again. This time it looks genuine. Maybe.
“I do give you…some credit, as you say. But I’ve also known you long enough to know you have to be walked through anything technology-based.” He pauses, waits for memories to start whirring. “Remember learning to italicize in the comments? That took quite a walk-through, did it not?”
“Yes…” She doesn’t want to say it, but there you go. It’s the truth.
“And who walked you through that one?”
“You know damn well, it was you.”
“Yes.”
“But that’s just it.” She fiddles with the straps and the gears until a fuckit and a frown, coming both from her and to her, stop her cold. But he’s still smiling. Dammit. Yah. He’s all happy. So she says: “Who the hell are you? I wouldn’t haveta mess with all these wires and clip deals and buttons…and who knows, one of them could shock you or something, and we couldn’t be having any of that.” She turns the machine off. “So just say it.”
He’s still smiling.
“Look. I’ve had more substantive conversations with you then I ever had with The Sperm Depositor a/k/a my ex, but these knowledge epiphanous ‘talks’ are feeling pretty pretend now. So….who are you?”
“Do any of us really know who we are?”
“Don’t try that shit on with me, Sparky.” She smacks her hands together. “That’s it. No more Googling. No more lie-detector crap. I’m goin’ for the masculine jugular. I’m gonna get in your pants.”
That eyebrow of his really shoots up this time, and she sees it, and this time, she’s the one smiling.
“Your ID’s gotta be in your wallet…in your back pocket. Am I right?”
--Robin S.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Writing Exercise
Tired of never knowing what's really going on, you've kidnapped Evil Editor and hooked him up to a lie detector. Once you complete your interview and publish the findings, the world will know the sordid truth about the publishing industry . . . and EE.300 words max, deadline Sunday, 10 AM eastern.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Synopsis 21
In the year 2012, Satan rose from Hell to install his infernal kingdom on Earth, but mankind thwarted him with the help of Heaven't most powerful forces. Jesus Christ's second coming revealed the truth of Christianity, and a thousand years later there is no other religion on Earth. [Jesus is the Grover Cleveland of religious figures--he gets a second term years after his first term ended.] The world’s united government operates by means of two power-sharing entities: the Church, who rule the economy, [They volunteered.] and the Sword of God, the Earth’s holy army. [What does Earth's holy army do, now that there aren't any non-Christians to kill?]
In 2993, Earth is challenged by a hostile alien race called Perfirians. The Sword responds violently despite the Church's protestations. The resulting war sets the Church and the Sword irreperably at odds, and the Sword's conscription initiative causes a firestorm of discord between war supporters and peace advocates worldwide. [If the world has one united government and one religion, how big an army do they need? Aren't all wars caused by differences between governments and religions?]
Seraph begins by following a few conscription letters to their young addressees. Matthias, a poor boy in the slums of Lesser New York, vows to personally end the war so he can return to his ailing mother. Kenneth enlists to escape a criminal trial after killing a man in self-defense. [If anyone who is about to go on trial can get out of it by joining the holy army, the holy army must be full of serial killers and other sinners.] [Is killing in self-defense a crime in the future?] The scrappy urchin Sic [Anagram: Sin Church.] embraces the opportunity to flee poverty and boredom, and the once-celebrated pianist Kate reluctantly accepts her best career option in a world increasingly disenchanted with the arts. [Historically, Christianity has inspired great music and art almost as much as it's inspired war, murder and injustice, so I find it hard to believe the arts are out now that Christianity has no competition. Didn't Jesus, during his second term in office, say anything along the lines of, "Lay down your weapons and learn to play the organ."?] Clement, a brilliant scientist and Kate's fiancé, wants a first-hand look at the Perfirians, and Genny, a statuesque and haughty blueblood, foresees a glorious future in the military.
After their training, these six youths proceed to the space station Seraph and into frothing conflict, where they are joined by Tib, an enigmatic outsider with something to prove. Months of side-by-side danger and excitement draw Sic and Matthias closer together. [What is this frothing conflict? Battling the Perfirians? Their war ships haven't defeated our measly space station after months? Klingons they ain't.] Clement, far removed from the action on a Sword research station, [You said all six were on the Seraph station.] fears for Kate's life. He consequently makes feverish progress on a weapon powerful enough to conclude the war before it claims her. [Did Jesus sign off on the policy of making more powerful weapons? Why didn't he ordain that all disputes be settled with rock, paper, scissors? I guess he could have said, in 2012, keep that weapon research going, you're gonna need some big guns when the Perfirians show up in a thousand years.]
The seven soldiers meet the evil Perfirian generals, among them Diomedes, who seizes a Sword ship in an attempt to infiltrate Earth's atmosphere. [Infiltrate the atmosphere? If you're saying he needs a Sword ship so Earth will think he's one of them when he lands, I find it hard to believe that you can seize a ship without anyone on Earth knowing it. Even our primitive communications are good enough to prevent that deception.] Kenneth is captured in the ensuing battle. After neutralizing Diomedes on Earth, Tib is absorbed into the Sword’s excavation of a sacred relic, headed by Genny. There he learns that the Pope has organized his supporters into a rabid militia. [Is the Pope on the Sword side or the pacifist side?] It’s only a matter of time before the Church and the Sword descend into all-out war, but Genny obliviously digs on. [What should she be doing?] A supernatural force compels her to the prize buried beneath the site. [It's the ring of power.] [Too much going on in that paragraph. Change it to a paragraph about what Genny's doing, and mention no one else.]
Sic is killed rescuing Kenneth, and it takes the shock of her death for the devastated Matthias to realize how much he loved her. While undercover, Tib sees the Church supporters' mobilization firsthand, but his desperate calls to Genny go unanswered. He returns to the dig to find everything destroyed...and a terrifying demon flying off into the distance. Thinking Genny dead, he pursues the creature, which leads him across North America to the Gates of Hell. [California.]
In her tireless search for peace, Kate discovers a conspiracy: the Sword is actively perpetuating the war in order to preserve its livelihood [Did we learn nothing from Halliburton?] and curtail the Church's power. Kenneth is ordered to silence her, but he cannot countenance the heinous act, so he performs a mock assassination and sends her safely to Earth. Kate then meets up with Tib, and the two soldiers battle the demon to prevent the Gates' reopening. In vanquishing him, they learn the Perfirians' true purpose: infiltrate Hell to establish an unholy trinity with Satan, their god. With Earth on the brink of civil war, Kate and Tib must persuade the Pope that peace is not an option. [This is going on too long. It feels like a list of things that happen, with little focus on the thread that ties everything together. Maybe we need to know earlier what the enemy wants.] [The only thing shorter than an editor's attention span is an agent's, so cut, cut, cut.]
Unbeknownst to Tib, Genny returns to Seraph with a shard of the demon corrupting her soul. Clement has at last perfected a weapon capable of neutralizing the Perfirian fleet, but the demon (using Genny's body) attempts to murder him in order to subvert its activation. Clement destroys the demon, killing Genny in the process. With her dying breath, Genny thanks Clement for freeing her. Clement [, using the transporter,] then sends the vengeful Matthias into the Perfirian mothership bearing the weapon, and Matthias sacrifices himself to cripple the enemy. Sic is the last thing he sees before he dies. [Why didn't he transport out at the last second?] [Lemme guess . . . He tried, but the transporter malfunctioned again.]
With their generals killed and their mothership captured, the beleaguered alien army retreats. Kenneth and Clement cooperate to bring down the Sword's corrupt higher-ups. Kenneth then recovers Tib and leads a contingent to pursue the fleeing enemy, while Clement joins Kate on Earth in the arduous task of reuniting the human race. [This time they decide to try it with zero religions.] Seraph's epilogue summarizes their success, and the novel ends with their long-awaited wedding.
Notes
You'd think once there was concrete proof that heaven exists, sinning would be almost nonexistent, except for adultery. Yet Kenneth has to kill someone who's trying to murder him? How stupid do you have to be to attempt murder when you know there's a heaven?
On the other hand, since there are people who think the Holocaust never happened after only sixty years, how is it that everyone believes the second coming happened after a thousand years? I guarantee there'd be second coming deniers within a century.
If the militant Sword goes to war against the pacifist Church, isn't the war over in about ten minutes?
What did Jesus do after vanquishing Satan's demons? You'd think he would have stuck around a while and straightened people out. With the crime and weapons manufacture and slums and civil war, Earth doesn't seem any better. Guess we'll have to wait for the second coming of Buddha.
How do the aliens plan to infiltrate hell? Can you go there when you're alive now?
Thursday, August 27, 2009
New Beginning 678
Across the river from stately downtown Lafayette, Purdue University’s bell tower rang out alone: five o’clock.
The elevator in the Agricultural Administration Building carried a man and two women from the first floor to the third floor, sank to the second floor, and carried three men down to the first floor, where they clattered down a half-flight of steps and out the door.
The elevator hefted itself up to the second floor to pick up a woman carrying her grandchild and took them to the third floor.
Two laughing young men jogged up the main stairway and disappeared behind a rarely-used door. Though nobody used the steps behind—they were 60 degrees from the horizontal—nobody had thought to turn the lock.
The air conditioning hummed and thrummed overhead as people locked their doors and walked past the unsightly demolition of St. Thomas Aquinas to the parking garage across the street.
The bell tower finished chiming its melodies and left the air silent and humid as before.
On the ground floor of the Ag Admin Building, Aliya pondered the coke machine. Coke, cherry coke, diet coke, coke zero. The only people she could hear left in the building were the janitors; she left the machine for the elevator.
The Coke machine shuddered and sighed. Sure, he could invite the chicks for a drink, but in the end, they always got high with, or went down on, the elevator. Lucky bastard.
Opening: _*Rachel*_.....Continuation: Anon.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Face-Lift 668
Guess the Plot
The Accident
1. The inner dichotomies of modern America and the intricate knotwork of complex exigencies at the heart of small-town life are explored in a story which begins in Tatum, New Mexico, with a fender-bender between two uninsured vehicles.
2. After a UFO crashes in Washington D.C., strange things start happening: one couple makes the inexplicable decision to move into a condominium. A young man finds himself unable to describe a door. Is the alien from the UFO responsible? Will things get worse before they get better?
3. John is a four year old trapped in the body of a man seven times his age. He's getting through the day all right, with help from his helicopter mother, but can he get through the big board meeting this afternoon without having . . . the accident?
4. Little Jimmy Hines is getting mighty tired of being called "the accident" by his mom and dad, so he convinces his seventeen older siblings that life would be much more fun without parents.
5. When David Butterfield learns, at the tender age of 11, that he, meaning his very corporeal existence on earth, was 'an accident', caused by some kind of mysterious botch-up by his wanker of a father on a day when his poor mother had drunk all the ale in the village, not only is his mood altered, but his entire outlook on life spins around, leading to unforeseeable circumstances of reckless activity, crime, drug addiction, and eventually a shocking revenge on evil Mrs. Piggott, the heartless gossip who spewed the 'truth'.
6. Erica hadn't meant to dribble meat juice all over her brother Joe's Levis. Or leave the door to the family pitbull's run open. Besides, it was Joey's own fault; he should have fed Fluffy last night. He forgot. Oh, no, hang on; it had been her turn. Oh well...
Original Version
Dear Agent:
I am writing to introduce you to my science fiction/fantasy novel THE ACCIDENT, which has a plot twist that has never appeared in any other novel or movie. [Say no more. I'm putting a six-figure contract in the mail at this exact moment, and if anyone offers more, I'll double it. I must have this book.] [Just kidding. Actually, all plot twists can be traced to The Game, Ender's Game, House of Games, or The Crying Game. I guarantee you subconsciously stole your twist from one of those.] [The only reason an agent would read beyond that sentence is in hopes that the query is a hoax and will be full of laughs.] The novel is complete at 87,500 words.
Three couples cross paths with a mysterious UFO that crashes in Washington, D.C.'s Rock Creek Park: a student, falling in love with a friend, discovers the UFO with her, but when her brother gets trapped inside the saucer, no one believes them; [Is the UFO still there? Because if someone tells me her brother's trapped in a flying saucer, once she shows me the flying saucer I'm not going to be all that skeptical about the brother part.] a bickering married couple move into a condominium with a strange neighbor; [What does that have to do with the UFO?] and a man keeps seeing a door in the sky, but doesn't know how to explain his vision to his fiancee. [I can explain it. He's watching a Twilight Zone marathon.] [Also, what does that have to do with the UFO? You were supposed to be telling how the couples crossed paths with the UFO.] While the alien adapts to the city with frightening consequences, [Apparently an alien survived the crash. I hate it when aliens pop up in the last sentence of the plot summary.] [Yes, even when, as in this case, the plot summary has only two sentences] one person stumbles upon the UFO's unique purpose.
I have enclosed an endorsement from award-winning writer XX, who read the novel and called it "wonderful." [Have you ever noticed that the more awards an author wins, the less talkative he is when describing anyone else's writing?] As for myself, my background is in advertising. I was born in Washington, D.C. and lived in the area where the novel takes place while I worked for a newspaper. Right now I am writing a sequel.
This is a simultaneous submission to several agents, but I hope to hear from you first because of your excellent reputation. [My other queries went to agents who, frankly, are likely to defraud me.] You represent the authors of several fine science fiction and fantasy novels set in ordinary cities on Earth, [It's worth noting that of the cities on Earth, Washington D.C. is among the least ordinary.] such as YY's [book title in italics] and ZZ[Top]'s [book title in italics]. Please let me know if I may send a partial or full manuscript. Thank you for your time.
Best regards,
Author
Enclosures:
Manuscript sample
Synopsis
Endorsement
SASE
Notes
Seeking an agent who represents books with a similarity to yours makes sense, but can you come up with a similarity more specific than it's set on Earth? It's a rare agent who hasn't represented a few such books.
Not only is your plot summary a mere two sentences; it's mostly just a list of characters. What's the story?
How many aliens were on that ship? One?
If a UFO crashed in D.C., there would be far more interesting goings-on than the ones you describe. Why are you focusing on these three couples?
Unless you've read all books and seen all movies, I don't see how you can claim your plot twist has never appeared anywhere. Wouldn't it be better to describe the plot twist and let the agent think, Wow, that plot twist has never been used? I mean, if you've come up with something truly unique to all literature, is that not your main selling point? Is that not the one thing that should be in your query above all else?
Start over from scratch. Tell us what happens. Leave out everything else.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
New Beginning 677
It’s a long way from the gutter to the back seat of a limo, Chuck Mallory thought as he sat in the back of the stretch Lincoln. Recessed lights cast a discreet glow and a hint of sandalwood lurked in the climate-controlled air. It’s not my limo, but still, it’s a long way from the gutter.
Mallory looked at the two men sitting across from him. They were dressed in dark suits and wore serious faces. He didn’t know why he’d been asked -- summoned, really -- to meet Seth Davies, Chairman of the Board of the Port Authority, and Bill Donovan, a fellow board member. Or why he’d been instructed to make sure he wasn’t followed to the rendezvous point.
“This conversation is to be kept in the strictest confidence, Mr. Mallory,” Davies said. “We must have your word on that.”
“Mr. Davies, anything you choose to tell me will be treated with the utmost discretion,” Mallory said. “But you already knew that, or you wouldn’t have contacted me.”
The man stiffened. "How did you know my name?"
"Everyone knows who you are, sir." Mallory leaned back, making himself comfortable. "Your name's all over the papers, what with the . . . unfortunate allegations."
"Yes, well," Donovan huffed, cutting to the point with an admirable lack of bull. "That's why we're all here. This is a photograph of the detective in charge of the investigation. We need it to look like an accident."
And here it came, the familiar manila envelope that everybody seemed to use for these things. Mallory upended it, tactfully setting aside the cash to count later in favor of studying the photograph. An unpleasant frisson went down his back when he saw the familiar face staring up at him. The woman next to him must be the fabled wife.
"Is there a problem, Mr. Mallory?" snapped Davies.
"No, sir."
But as Chuck snapped the folder shut he knew two things: one, this was going to be the hardest hit of his career and two, ace homicide detective Zack Martinez's wife was actually pretty cute.
Opening: Wonderwood.....Continuation: Sarah from Hawthorne
Mallory looked at the two men sitting across from him. They were dressed in dark suits and wore serious faces. He didn’t know why he’d been asked -- summoned, really -- to meet Seth Davies, Chairman of the Board of the Port Authority, and Bill Donovan, a fellow board member. Or why he’d been instructed to make sure he wasn’t followed to the rendezvous point.
“This conversation is to be kept in the strictest confidence, Mr. Mallory,” Davies said. “We must have your word on that.”
“Mr. Davies, anything you choose to tell me will be treated with the utmost discretion,” Mallory said. “But you already knew that, or you wouldn’t have contacted me.”
The man stiffened. "How did you know my name?"
"Everyone knows who you are, sir." Mallory leaned back, making himself comfortable. "Your name's all over the papers, what with the . . . unfortunate allegations."
"Yes, well," Donovan huffed, cutting to the point with an admirable lack of bull. "That's why we're all here. This is a photograph of the detective in charge of the investigation. We need it to look like an accident."
And here it came, the familiar manila envelope that everybody seemed to use for these things. Mallory upended it, tactfully setting aside the cash to count later in favor of studying the photograph. An unpleasant frisson went down his back when he saw the familiar face staring up at him. The woman next to him must be the fabled wife.
"Is there a problem, Mr. Mallory?" snapped Davies.
"No, sir."
But as Chuck snapped the folder shut he knew two things: one, this was going to be the hardest hit of his career and two, ace homicide detective Zack Martinez's wife was actually pretty cute.
Opening: Wonderwood.....Continuation: Sarah from Hawthorne
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