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Why you don't get published.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Thursday, May 07, 2009
New Beginning 635
In this house, on this night, a man is troubled, troubled by a recurring dream that seems to haunt him night after night. A dream that he tries to escape, whether by drowning himself in alcohol or by indulging in his never-ending supply of sleeping pills. He just can’t escape his constant visions of death. He is awakened by loud peals of thunder and the heavy downpour of raindrops beating on the roof of his new black Phantom, sitting in the driveway of his Virginia cabin. His pillow and sheets are soaked with cold sweat as he gets up, gasps for air, and sits on the edge of the bed to pull himself together. He reaches into the drawer of the night table to grab his favorite box of cigars, lights one, and takes a couple of pulls from it. He puts on his sweat suit and goes out for a three-am jog in the surrounding woods. When he gets outside, the thunder sounds louder to him, as if God himself was purposefully beating on a drum directly into his ear.
He takes a sip from the tube of his Camelback. The tequila goes down like liquid emery board, just the way he likes it. He coughs and sputters, but doesn't break stride. Taking a drag on the cigar every few steps, he scoops a handful of sleeping pills from his belt pouch and washes them down with another long pull on the tequila. When the pouring rain extinguishes his cigar, the man rips the sodden stogie into pieces and swallows them one by one.
He comes to the best part of the trail, a razor-sharp ridge with vertical drops on both sides, the highest point for five miles. It's his favorite place to take a nighttime jog in a raging thunderstorm.
But he can't enjoy it. The haunting vision refuses to loosen its grip.
His heart pounds louder than the thunder and sweat mats his hair and whiskers. Every night. Every night he wakes in a panic, sure that this time, this time he won't have anything funny to put on the blog.
Opening: Jeff Brown.....Continuation: John/Anon.
He takes a sip from the tube of his Camelback. The tequila goes down like liquid emery board, just the way he likes it. He coughs and sputters, but doesn't break stride. Taking a drag on the cigar every few steps, he scoops a handful of sleeping pills from his belt pouch and washes them down with another long pull on the tequila. When the pouring rain extinguishes his cigar, the man rips the sodden stogie into pieces and swallows them one by one.
He comes to the best part of the trail, a razor-sharp ridge with vertical drops on both sides, the highest point for five miles. It's his favorite place to take a nighttime jog in a raging thunderstorm.
But he can't enjoy it. The haunting vision refuses to loosen its grip.
His heart pounds louder than the thunder and sweat mats his hair and whiskers. Every night. Every night he wakes in a panic, sure that this time, this time he won't have anything funny to put on the blog.
Opening: Jeff Brown.....Continuation: John/Anon.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Face-Lift 629
Guess the Plot
Academics
1. As finals week approaches, Mark braves peer and family in his quest to remain drunk just a little bit longer.
2. Brenda has one complaint about the faculty of Shadyville U: they're all dead. It's vampire versus zombie versus small town girl in this thrilling story of love, intrigue, and English 101.
3. As test scores plummet, vice principal Josh Gregory realizes the problem lies with the school district's administration, but the administration is blaming white supremacists and Muslim terrorists. Will Josh have to talk them out of arming the students against a possible attack on the school?
4. After flunking out of six graduate degree programs, there's one thing left for Rachel Turner: collections consulting. She can help the untutored rich improve themselves with impressive selections of books, art and curios! It's all brilliant, until her first three clients die in mysterious circumstances and Detective Vince Spinelli, former art major, suspects she's the culprit.
5. Marcus is a doctor
In love with young Cherise
They share Roberta's outlook
On the subject of disease
Stanley plays the trumpet
At night in Larry's house
David draws some pictures
With the insides of a mouse
Leo likes the leather lash
Ginny loves her physics
They're all in love with money
Like most crazy Academics.
6. Doug has the school's worst case of spring fever, and there's still a month until summer vacation. Will he give up, drop out, stop trying? Of course not--even tenured professors don't get paid if they don't show up.
Original Version
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my one hour television drama – “Academics.”
Think high school meets “West Wing.” [I'm thinking that, and what I get is a high school student gets elected president of the United States; immediately drugs are all legalized, sex education is taught by porn stars, and we go to war with Canada just for laughs.]
High school vice-principal Josh Gregory wants to make public education make sense -- and make kids smarter at the same time. Unfortunately, test scores have been falling to record lows for five consecutive years, and it seems the District office is more concerned with public image than with building capable kids. [The falling test scores belong at the beginning of the paragraph. That puts the "unfortunately" closer to the district's attitude, which is what it describes.]
When an unfounded rumor begins to spread that white supremacists are planning to attack the high school, the staff is sent into a flurry of District-mandated overreactions. [Surely this rumor is based on the fact that white supremacists have a motive in attacking this high school. What is it?] Josh is overwhelmed by an attack of common sense and realizes he isn’t educating children anymore; he and his colleagues are sowing seeds of failure while pandering to the lowest common denominator. And that isn’t enough –- not nearly enough. [What isn't nearly enough of what? Is he saying we need to do more than just sow seeds of failure and pander to the lowest common denominator? "Not enough" implies that we need to do something in addition to sowing and pandering. Instead he should say, And that's immoral, or disgraceful, or reprehensible.] Like it or not, the kids aren’t going to wait for the school district to figure all this out. They’re growing up, and Josh knows the real threat to students isn't Muslim terrorists or white supremacists. The real threat to everyone -- is the education the kids aren't getting.
I am a certified Montessori Elementary teacher and have written a humor column for a local magazine for two years. In the past three years I have also written two novels and four screenplays. Please consider “Academics.” It is provocative and timely, yet most importantly it will make for a damn entertaining hour of television. [I agree--if the students are armed and the school is attacked by Muslim terrorists or white supremacists.] [That "yet" implies that provocative and timely usually = not entertaining. I'd make it an "and."] Thank you for your time.
Best regards,
Notes
You don't really see many stand-alone 1-hour dramatic TV shows in the U.S. Back in the 1950s maybe. Maybe if you got it up to an hour and a half it could be a Lifetime Network movie or a Hallmark Hall of Fame production.
I know little about who would handle this, but I'm guessing that as bad as the odds may be with novels, they're way worse with a television drama, especially if it's not a series. Now, if white supremacists and Muslim terrorists both happen to attack the same high school at the same time, and end up fighting each other, and the computer geeks and the jocks team up to save the school, you may want to put this in the mail to Oliver Stone.
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Tuesday, May 05, 2009
New Beginning 634
"Dorlee! Get to work, ye slattern!"
"I been working, Mam." Dorlee finished hauling the bucket from the well, steadying the crank with her bad arm as she reached for the bucket handle with her true hand to lift it off the hook. It was awkward and some of the water slopped over, wetting her thigh.
"Don't sass me, missy, or I'll blister that lazy hide of yourn."
Dorlee scowled as she bent to hook the yoke to the bucket. "No ma'am. Sorry."
Mam waved her apron at a crow landed near her pie on the half door's ledge, her foul temper finding something else to attack. "Gowway, ye mobbin! Scat! Our dinner's not yourn, ye hear?"
"If you brung it into the creamery it'd both cool and be left alone," the girl muttered as she settled the wood across her shoulders before straightening her knees to take the weight. She started moving, both hands on the yoke to steady it, her short arm with its half hand just able to grasp and steady the left side as she trudged up the slope to the big stone trough. This was her chore. Her younger brothers milked the goats and sheep, she hauled the water because her deformed hand made milking slow and awkward. Besides, Da said, Dorlee's bad luck soured the milk. Dorlee thought he didn't mind making her work their garden and root fields so much, no bad luck there for that foodstuff--or brewing, or making cheese, or especially weaving by smoky peat fire until her fingers bled and she could barely see for the headache. They sold her weaving and her lace for enough, no bad luck there, either.
Dorlee slowly lowered the heavy buckets to the ground, released her weary frame from the yoke and eased the crick in her back. "Carbon Credits be damned," she cursed. "Tomorrow I'm turning the machines back on."
Opening: Writtenwyrdd.....Continuation: Anon.
"I been working, Mam." Dorlee finished hauling the bucket from the well, steadying the crank with her bad arm as she reached for the bucket handle with her true hand to lift it off the hook. It was awkward and some of the water slopped over, wetting her thigh.
"Don't sass me, missy, or I'll blister that lazy hide of yourn."
Dorlee scowled as she bent to hook the yoke to the bucket. "No ma'am. Sorry."
Mam waved her apron at a crow landed near her pie on the half door's ledge, her foul temper finding something else to attack. "Gowway, ye mobbin! Scat! Our dinner's not yourn, ye hear?"
"If you brung it into the creamery it'd both cool and be left alone," the girl muttered as she settled the wood across her shoulders before straightening her knees to take the weight. She started moving, both hands on the yoke to steady it, her short arm with its half hand just able to grasp and steady the left side as she trudged up the slope to the big stone trough. This was her chore. Her younger brothers milked the goats and sheep, she hauled the water because her deformed hand made milking slow and awkward. Besides, Da said, Dorlee's bad luck soured the milk. Dorlee thought he didn't mind making her work their garden and root fields so much, no bad luck there for that foodstuff--or brewing, or making cheese, or especially weaving by smoky peat fire until her fingers bled and she could barely see for the headache. They sold her weaving and her lace for enough, no bad luck there, either.
Dorlee slowly lowered the heavy buckets to the ground, released her weary frame from the yoke and eased the crick in her back. "Carbon Credits be damned," she cursed. "Tomorrow I'm turning the machines back on."
Opening: Writtenwyrdd.....Continuation: Anon.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Face-Lift 628
Guess the Plot
Holy, Texas
1. When the great town of Holly, Texas is renamed Holy, Texas after a sign painting accident Bow Bradshaw returns to set things right for her great-grandmother Holly for whom the town was named after she single-handedly choked three attacking Apaches to death with one strand of Christmas ribbon and a baby on her hip in the 1880s.
2. Some said it was time to go when the waters ran dry in Holy, Texas, but ten year old Tim Dawson knows his friend the old medicine man on the reservation down the road has all the answers they need. But can Tim help the holy man remember the old ways in time to save the town?
3. Callie Palmer experiences first love while standing in the intersection between murder and revelation. Welcome to Holy, Texas; where the dead whisper secrets through hymns and Beatles’ songs.
4. Holy, Texas: home to 228 different cults. Great for tourism, but each cult has its own dubious agenda. The only thing they all agree on is that Holy isn't the right name for the town.
5. Janette didn't want to be one of those girls who drops out of school because she's pregnant, but prom happens. Things get difficult when it turns out her boyfriend is an angel, and he might not be the kind who can still fly...
6. Evelyn, the world's biggest Dante fangirl, decides to go on a trip similar to her hero. She's already visited Hell, Michigan, and Purgatory, Rhode Island, so now it's off to Holy, Texas! Add in a bizarre preacher, a chili cookoff, a ten gallon hat, and what is either a divine vision or a peyote-induced haze, and Evelyn is assured of an eventful time.
Original Version
Dear Evil Editor,
Seventeen year old Callie Palmer has a lot on her mind. Her dad is dead. Her mother is moving her across the country to Frye, a tiny East Texas town. While Callie and her mother pick through the wreckage of loss, their extended family grapple with issues of their own. Uncle Duke and Aunt Mary are raising their grandchildren, nine year old Cody and sixteen year old Chrissy. Duke and Mary’s efforts to shield them from a drug abusing mother push Cody into a permanent state of make-believe and drive Chrissy down the road of the prodigal.
In the meantime, Callie finds herself caught between a hot mess and hard place. Tuck Easton, her cousin’s vainglorious boyfriend, can’t keep his paws off her. Cole Pritchard, the Sheriff’s inscrutable son, won’t spare two words on her. [I got the impression from sentence 3 that Callie and Mom were on the road; apparently they've been in Frye quite a while.] [The sheriff's son should be "enigmatic"; "inscrutable" is reserved for Fu Manchu and Keanu Reeves.]
The town down the road has been controlled since the 1850s by fundamentalist extremists. Folks in Holy, Texas are hell-bent on keeping the faithful. [What does that mean?] Reverend Adler not only shepherds the Church of the Atoned; he makes sure its [it's] always washed in the blood. Innocent blood. [You're being too inscrutable.]
Rock Point, Holy's local hangout, is breathtaking. It’s drop dead gorgeous. Just ask Judith and Dane, the star-crossed lovers who died there thirty years ago. [You're having trouble deciding where your focus should be. Each paragraph is about something different; they need to connect logically to each other.]
Each move Callie makes pulls her closer to an acceptance of her father’s death, but also closer to the terrible truth about Judith and Dane. [What are these moves she's making? We haven't seen her do anything since she got to Frye.] Sometimes love turns into obsession, exacting a deadly price. In Holy, Texas, Callie experiences the blinding tunnel vision of first love while standing in the intersection between murder and revelation. One hundred fifty years of mayhem and mystery threaten to collide with the present, altering Callie’s life forever. [This is all vague. We want clear specific information.]
Welcome to Holy, Texas; where the dead whisper secrets through both hymns and Beatles’ songs. [Pssst! I was the walrus.]
Holy, Texas is a Young Adult novel of approximately 83,000 words which combines elements of mystery, romance, and suspense with a coming of age story.
I am a school librarian (version 2.0; no shushing!). Always a perpetual reader, [Don't you just hate those occasional perpetual readers?] I’ve bathed in the written word for so long that my toes are wrinkled with story. [Then I'll assume your library has all of Evil Editor's books.] As a result, my novel tumbled out after my last semester of graduate work in library science.
Evil Editor, thank you for your time. If you are interested in Holy, Texas, I would be delighted to send all or a portion of it. [I hope you'll be sending it on paper, as I don't particularly care to read it off your wrinkled toes.]
Best Regards,
Notes
What are Uncle Duke and Aunt Mary doing here? Besides taking up most of your crucial first paragraph? Possibly they have a role in the book, but they don't do anything in the query. Focus on Callie.
By telling us a little of everything, you tell us too little of what's really important. Your story.
Either of your very short plot paragraphs would make a good first paragraph. Either can lead you into Callie stumbling onto the Judith/Dane mystery, which I'm guessing is the main plot. Duke, Mary, Cody, Chrissy and Tuck aren't needed. Callie, Callie, Callie.
Wouldn't it be easier if they moved to Holy instead of Frye? I know almost nothing about the next town over, and I didn't just move here.
Saturday, May 02, 2009
Saturday Film Series
There are repeat performances in Evil Editor's Shorts all week; if you all come at the same time it'll be chaos.
Friday, May 01, 2009
New Beginning 633
If Ana had seen how I got my nickname we could have been friends. She might have thought I did the wrong thing, but she would have understood why I did it. Or maybe if Ana had been there she would have stopped Bruce with her eyes and her voice, the way I tried to and couldn’t, and I wouldn’t have gotten that name.
Of course, if I had minded my own business and left Bruce alone I wouldn’t have gotten that name either. But if I had been that kind of person I wouldn’t have cared about being Ana’s friend. And I wouldn’t have learned anything from that week of summer camp except how to steer a canoe and identify sensitive fern.
I was proud, then, of being someone who tried to put things right. I wouldn’t be able to vote for five more years, but I bombarded the President, our Congressmen and the editor of the local paper with letters.
I picked Allison out as a kindred spirit as soon as she arrived at camp. Her mother’s car was newer than ours but its bumper was crammed with stickers from groups like Greenpeace and Doctors Without Borders.
But just as Allison got out of the car, clutching her organic hemp backpack, Bruce sauntered by, grinning.
"Hey, Seal-clubber," he said.
Allison looked at me with horror, and hurried after her mom. I glared at Bruce.
He shrugged. "You still don't like that nickname? How about I change it to BJ?"
Opening: Joanna.....Continuation: Batgirl
Of course, if I had minded my own business and left Bruce alone I wouldn’t have gotten that name either. But if I had been that kind of person I wouldn’t have cared about being Ana’s friend. And I wouldn’t have learned anything from that week of summer camp except how to steer a canoe and identify sensitive fern.
I was proud, then, of being someone who tried to put things right. I wouldn’t be able to vote for five more years, but I bombarded the President, our Congressmen and the editor of the local paper with letters.
I picked Allison out as a kindred spirit as soon as she arrived at camp. Her mother’s car was newer than ours but its bumper was crammed with stickers from groups like Greenpeace and Doctors Without Borders.
But just as Allison got out of the car, clutching her organic hemp backpack, Bruce sauntered by, grinning.
"Hey, Seal-clubber," he said.
Allison looked at me with horror, and hurried after her mom. I glared at Bruce.
He shrugged. "You still don't like that nickname? How about I change it to BJ?"
Opening: Joanna.....Continuation: Batgirl
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Auction Underway
The Brenda Novak Auction, which raises money for diabetes research is now underway and will run throughout the month of May. There are numerous opportunities to get your manuscript in front of specific agents or editors, to meet authors, to buy vacations, jewelry, autographed books, and lots more. All for a good cause. You can view all the stuff up for auction by clicking here and then on the categories on the left of the page.
Today is your chance to bid on Evil Editor's items without the fear of actually winning them, as the bidding starts very low. A lot of early bids will convince others that the items are among the most desirable ones available, leading to a frenzy of late bidding.
Here are links to the EE items:
Today is your chance to bid on Evil Editor's items without the fear of actually winning them, as the bidding starts very low. A lot of early bids will convince others that the items are among the most desirable ones available, leading to a frenzy of late bidding.
Here are links to the EE items:
| | |||||
 | 1294602 |  Your Book Featured in Evil Editor's August Book Chat [preview] |  | $ 2.00 | 30 days 23 hrs |
| | 1294600 | An Amusing Book Trailer (created by none other than Evil Editor) for Your Book! [preview] | | $ 2.00 | 30 days 23 hrs |
| | 1294591 | Your book (up to 100,000 words) edited by Evil Editor [preview] | | $ 2.00 | 30 days 23 hrs |
| | |||||
| | 1306198 | Complete EVIL EDITOR Library PLUS CD, All Autographed [preview] | | $ 2.00 | 31 days 01 hrs |
| | 1306199 | YOUR BOOK Featured in an EVIL EDITOR FILM [preview] | | $ 2.00 | 31 days 01 hrs |
Face-Lift 627
Guess the Plot
Dark Visions
1. Teenager Brenda Nockworth discovers a pair of shades on a shelf in the bus station bathroom and puts them on to complete her swank rebel look. She soon realizes they reveal the unseen -- dozens of ghosts and ghouls among the weary travelers.
2. Mariana's family are fortune-tellers by trade, but all she sees in the crystal ball are visions of disaster... And the latest one is about her own future! Also, a talking fruitbat.
3. John knew he shouldn't have bought those cursed sunglasses; now he can't get them off, and he has to fight off a zombie invasion while wearing shades that practically blind him. Good thing his geeky best friend Alvin is around to tell him what's going on... if only Alvin can stop being distracted by the hot zombie leader.
4. Tina has been cast in a new TV show about London vampires. Funny thing is, the male lead never comes out of his trailer unless he's on set. Tina's sure he's a real vampire. Can she confront him without getting bitten?
5. When Jasmine has a psychic vision of her rival Marissa dying at the hands of a serial killer, she's tempted to say nothing, but eventually she tells hunky police detective Eric. Now Jasmine's having visions that indicate she should have kept her mouth shut. Has she become the killer's next target?
6. When Ned founded the Dark Visions sunglasses company he didn't expect it to become popular with the dead-doesn't-mean-gone crowd, but if they're not after his blood, he's not going to complain about the extra publicity. Then he finds out what his sunglasses enable the living-impaired to see...
Original Version
Jasmine Winters is psychic. She knows it is not normal to be psychic, but Jasmine likes to pretend she is normal. So, she does life’s normal things: [We're plodding along here like a tortoise. That story where the tortoise beats the hare? Fiction.] enjoying her friends, like Mark; hating her enemies, [How many enemies does she have?] like Mark’s wife Marissa; and ignoring the visions as best she can. She also tries to do the right thing, though she doesn’t always succeed. [Vague.]
When Jasmine's psychic vision shows Marissa murdered by a headline-making serial killer, she wants to ignore the vision and be done with Marissa once and for all. [Nice. What, exactly, did Marissa do to deserve this?] But Jasmine’s conscience won’t let her, and she warns her nemesis. [When my enemy who wouldn't mind seeing me dead tells me she had a vision in which I was murdered, my first thought is that she's planning to kill me. And I'd better kill her first.] [The first two paragraphs can be condensed to: Jasmine Winters tries to be normal--enjoying her friends, hating her enemies, hiding her psychic abilities--but when she "sees" her nemesis Marissa murdered by a serial killer, her conscience won't let her keep quiet.]
With that done, Jasmine is ready to move on. But, in Dark Visions, my 97,000-word thriller, moving on isn’t so easy.
Mark urges Jasmine to discuss her vision with police investigating the serial murders. [Because he knows the cops are always eager to have input from psychics.] Unable to refuse Mark’s request and trying to do the right thing, Jasmine reluctantly meets with handsome police Det. Eric Mathers. While Jasmine likes the close proximity to Det. Mathers, she’s not enamored of her new visions of the serial killer. [Don't be coy. What does she see in her new visions?]
Things get complicated when Jasmine’s involvement in the case makes the news, putting her on the serial killer’s radar. For a psychic who saw [could see] her own future, this might be alright, but Jasmine isn’t that kind of psychic. [She's more like Kreskin. She can tell you what number you're thinking of, assuming she planted you in the audience and told you what number to think of.]
.
Not liking the idea of a serial killer lurking in the one future she is blind to, Jasmine dedicates herself to helping Det. Mathers find the killer.
[Jasmine: Detective, I've decided to dedicate myself to helping you find the serial killer.
Mathers: Great. For starters, there's someone I need you to interview. He lives in the Australian Outback.]
As Jasmine and Det. Mathers get closer, new, disturbing visions emerge, but not of the serial killer, of Det. Mathers [dressed in a leather thong and holding a whip].
As Jasmine’s visions of Det. Mathers and serial killer increase, she realizes the killer may be closer than she thought. Jasmine must put the pieces together and find the killer, before the killer finds her. [Everything in this paragraph was already implied.]
Dark Visions is my first novel. By training, I am a journalist and have worked as a night general assignment reporter for The Kansas City Star, where I covered crime and spot news. After leaving the newspaper, I worked mainly in trade media, editing several publications, including Campus Crime.
I’d love to send you the complete Dark Visions manuscript. Thank you for your consideration.
Notes
Whether Mark's the serial killer or a love interest or neither, he isn't doing anything important in the query.
As Jasmine tries to live like a normal person and ignore her visions, I assume it's not known to Mark and Marissa and the cops that Jasmine's visions always come to pass (if they do). So why would anyone believe her?
Which is more likely when a serial killer learns that the police are using the services of a psychic to track him down?
1. He immediately makes plans to kill the psychic.
2. He celebrates the obvious fact that the police don't have a clue to his identity by going on a new killing spree.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
New Beginning 632
So this was the place at last. The forbidden road ended in a small stone-paved yard surrounded by brambles. Beyond the yard was a high wall overgrown with dead vines that covered everything but the door.
The night before I had dreamed of that door as a black gaping mouth through which my younger sister Arli passed laughing with her daughter Suli cradled—prisoned—in her arms. It opened into a windowless chamber hung with tapestries. A gold-mailed serpent with human eyes uncoiled itself from a carved seat against the wall and reared above Arli. She reached out to caress it while Suli cried unheeded. I shouted to warn Arli, I who had been like a mother to her, but she did not hear. I tried to run after her, but I could not move.
At last the dream passed into blackness. But again the blackness shaped itself into that doorway, and Arli stepped through it into flames. She smiled as though she felt only comforting warmth, though Suli screamed.
And I woke in the other side of Arli’s bed, with the aftertaste of her sleeping-draught sickly-sweet in my mouth, and Arli and Suli were truly gone.
And I drifted into the realm of Morpheus once more until, seeing Arli and Suli tied up in a camper van driven by a one-handed former Bosnian war criminal who steered with a steel hook, I sat bolt upright and exclaimed: "Accipere quam facere praestat injuriam!"
The night before I had dreamed of that door as a black gaping mouth through which my younger sister Arli passed laughing with her daughter Suli cradled—prisoned—in her arms. It opened into a windowless chamber hung with tapestries. A gold-mailed serpent with human eyes uncoiled itself from a carved seat against the wall and reared above Arli. She reached out to caress it while Suli cried unheeded. I shouted to warn Arli, I who had been like a mother to her, but she did not hear. I tried to run after her, but I could not move.
At last the dream passed into blackness. But again the blackness shaped itself into that doorway, and Arli stepped through it into flames. She smiled as though she felt only comforting warmth, though Suli screamed.
And I woke in the other side of Arli’s bed, with the aftertaste of her sleeping-draught sickly-sweet in my mouth, and Arli and Suli were truly gone.
And I drifted into the realm of Morpheus once more until, seeing Arli and Suli tied up in a camper van driven by a one-handed former Bosnian war criminal who steered with a steel hook, I sat bolt upright and exclaimed: "Accipere quam facere praestat injuriam!"
Ike Beckman hit "save" and leaned back in his chair, grinning. Awesome, he thought. My first try at literary fiction and it's shaping up to be a classic.
Opening: Joanna.....Continuation: Anon.
Opening: Joanna.....Continuation: Anon.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Face-Lift 626
Guess the Plot
The Lonesome Isle
1. Searching a small island for her dead mother, Elizabeth crosses into a parallel universe. Is her mother somewhere in this universe? Before she can begin looking she must first defeat a malicious creature bent on world domination.
2. Oahu decides to relocate a little closer to the big island and sets off nonstop tsunamis and underwater volcanos as it makes the move. Only submariner Sonya Turner can save the day, but her propeller's broken.
3. Timmy didn't believe the babysitter when she said one more prank and he was going to the orphanage. Now he regrets sticking tape loops to the cat. He wishes he brought a toothbrush and more underwear. He knows his penmanship spelling and grammar are so bad his bottled HELPME! notes might be unreadable and the current might take them all the wrong way, but what else can he do?
4. Blinka realized all her childhood nightmares about plumbing monsters were real, as the hand emerged from a mess of gunk burbling out the sink drain. Thank God for cutlery! But now -- what to do with the grisly parts? She'll be safe if the fog clears so Captain Wiggins can see the distress flag and sail to her rescue before the Thing comes back...
5. Gibraltar never gets any respect. Even his best friends, Japan and Madagascar barely acknowledge him. But when global bully Australia floats a plan to reform Pangaea, Gibraltar finds itself turning to outcasts like Greenland and Baffin Island in an effort to prevent continental assimilation.
6. The story of a sad little island, marooned in the middle of the ocean, who hatches an unlikely scheme to join a larger land mass. But even if he can teach the nearby pod of whales to sing at just the right frequency, will he really find happiness as a fjord?
Original Version
Dear Agent,
Elizabeth Milton accepted her mother’s death years ago. [Now if only it would hurry up and happen.] As a writer investigating her first feature length assignment, she is faced with the knowledge that not only is her mother alive, [Make the connection between the assignment and learning her mother's alive--if there is one. If there isn't, don't put both in the same sentence.] but she’s been held captive and now doesn’t want to leave this parallel universe [What parallel universe? Is that what Liz is investigating? How does Liz know what her mother wants if she's in another universe?] that’s so much like, yet so much unlike their home. [In my experience, if a place is vastly unlike my home, I don't even notice the ways it's like my home. For instance, when I think back on my trip to Jamaica, I remember the river rafting and the waterfall climbing and the paragliding, but barely recall getting robbed by a knife-wielding hoodlum.]
Elizabeth’s love of writing takes her to the small island, [What small island? You haven't mentioned an island.] [Again, what's the connection? Millions of people love writing, but that doesn't take them to small islands.] but it’s her compassion for others and her intense longing for the mother that she once knew that makes her cross the threshold into the parallel universe. [I don't see the connection between compassion for others and crossing into a parallel universe.] Once there she finds that the devilish creature Dominic and his plans of world domination are the captivating force that holds many prisoners. [I tend to think "mischievous" when someone is described as "devilish," so while there's nothing wrong with "devilish," if he's planning world domination, you might want to call him evil or demonic or satanic.]
In this paranormal, mysterious tale Elizabeth finds her mother, her true love, and herself as she battles Dominic to gain everyone’s freedom.
The Lonesome Isle is complete at 140,000 words.
I have done some ghostwriting of internet articles and have two poems published in anthologies. [Ditch the credits and consider shortening the book.]
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Notes
A twenty-something woman versus a creature set on world domination? That's like Hannah Montana taking on the Borg. Has Liz got anything going for her besides spunk?
The title sounds more like a children's book.
You must connect your ideas in a logical progression. Something like this:
While investigating the sudden appearance of an island off the coast of Uruguay, reporter Liz Milton discovers a map that leads her to a portal to a parallel universe. A hunky clerk at the ticket counter gives Liz a quick look at the portal's passenger manifest, which reveals that her supposedly dead mother "crossed over" six years ago.
Longing for a reunion with her mother, Liz bribes the clerk to provide her mother's email address: Lizsmom@gmail.unv. But in their initial correspondence, Liz learns that her mother, despite being held captive by the devilish creature Dominic, who has plans for world domination, doesn't want to come home. Has she been brainwashed? Only one way to find out. Liz books passage on the next portal trip.
Arriving in the parallel universe, not only does Liz quickly find her mother; she also falls in love with a young juice merchant named Rolf, and single-handedly battles Dominic. Liz emerges victorious; then she and Rolf move in with Mom, get married, and await the inevitable sequel.
Here, each sentence follows from the last, thus giving the feel of a coherent, cohesive story. Feel free to use my summary if its details are accurate.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Success Story
Bill Highsmith reports that a flash fiction piece inspired by Dialogue Scene 21 on this blog has been published by AbyssAndApex.com in the flash fiction section.
Bill also reports selling a humor/SF piece called "Discerning Women," to FlashFictionOnline.com in the current edition (April), and an SF story, "Qubit Slip" to an online anthology, Thoughtcrime Experiments (Thoughtcrime.crummy.com).
After three stories sold in April, Bill anticipates a lengthy lull.
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