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Success Story

Jenna Glass (pen name of long-time minion) reports that her feminist epic fantasy The Women's War was released today. The novel has received starred reviews from Publishers Weekly and Booklist, and is one of Amazon's Best Books of the Month: Science Fiction and Fantasy.

Link to publisher's page.

Feedback Request

The author of the book whose query was most recently featured here would like feedback on the following version:

Dear Evil Editor,

Eighteen-year-old Mea Gwen is a 22nd-century dynasty kid (basically, she was born into a billionaire family). She has all the tools to thrive in a power-hungry society consumed by money, booze, and virtual realities. But she couldn’t care less. She would rather join America’s first Intragalactic Pioneer Program and spend the rest of her life [in] space. 

But before she can reach the stars, Mea’s kidnapped by the Reformers, a terrorist group led by the creators of an annoyingly popular VR game. To prove that the elite aren’t untouchable, the Reformers force the richest of the rich to compete in their newest game, and the only way to survive is to win. Determined to get back home, Mea promises to do whatever it takes to reach the number one spot. 

Soon Mea discovers that the Reformers are being exploited for a larger political conspiracy, and they’re only [at?] level one toward the ultimate goal — authoritarian control of America. Level two: starting a war that would break an already divided country. Now Mea could either follow their rules to save herself, or she could risk her life trying to expose who’s really out to destroy America. 

A PAWN OF SEDITION is a 90,000-word Young Adult science fiction novel with culturally diverse characters. It will appeal to fans of Warcross by Marie Lu and The Thousandth Floor series by Katherine McGee. 

Thank you for your consideration,

Notes

Saying they're only at level one doesn't mean much unless we know how many levels there are. More compelling would be to say they are only one level from their ultimate goal. But apparently they are more than one level away? 

So level 1 of the conspirators' plan is to convince the creators of a video game to kidnap billionaires and force them to play The Hunger Games, and level 2 is to start a new American civil war? I can sort of buy level 1 if the Reformers were already a terrorist group before the conspirators decided to exploit them, but level 2 seems like a huge escalation from level 1. Like there would have to be a few levels in between.

Of course the book may make all of this seem more believable than the query can.

Feedback Request

The author of the query most recently seen here would like feedback on the following version:

Ratman, a giant rat with mind control abilities and an annoying habit of turning invisible, is on the loose. That’s not exactly what twelve-year-old Cody was expecting when he snuck into a secret underground city.

But why is that freaky fur-face attacking him--and only him?

Maybe it’s because Cody’s from the surface, and outsiders are absolutely not allowed. Or maybe it’s because everyone else down there has awesome paranormal abilities like reading minds and levitating objects.

Cody suspects it’s because he’s been searching for the missing Detectors, the underground people who protect the city from natural disasters and invading beasts. If he finds them, he’ll be a hero and he’s sure the city leaders will let him stay. [Why should a 12-year-old kid who's unfamiliar with this place be able to find the Detectors when the people with awesome paranormal powers who live there can't?] 

Whatever the reason, Ratman has already pushed Cody down the Devil’s Mouth hole, roasted him with a hot crystal, and tried to drown him in the river. But since Cody is the only one who ever sees the giant rat, no one else believes Ratman even exists.

Now Cody’s determined to hunt down Ratman in order to find the Detectors and save the city from whatever this whiskered weirdo is plotting--or at least before Ratman’s next attack actually kills him.

Notes

Not clear why Cody wants to stay in a place where he's absolutely not allowed to be and where he's already been attacked three times by a creature that wants him dead.

In any case, this is mostly setup. We know Cody's situation and his goal but how does he plan to achieve this goal? What goes wrong when he puts his plan into action? If he's choosing to be here instead of going home, why? What will happen if he fails to find the Detectors?

If you trim your query down to:

Ratman, a giant rat with mind control abilities and an annoying habit of turning invisible, is on the loose. That’s not what twelve-year-old Cody was expecting when he snuck into a secret underground city whose residents all have awesome paranormal powers.

But why is that freaky fur-face attacking him--and only him?

Cody suspects it’s because he’s been searching for the missing Detectors, the underground people who protect the city from natural disasters and invading beasts. If he finds them, he’ll be a hero and he’s sure the city leaders will let him stay, instead of sending him back to his horrible abusive parents.

... you'll have room  to tell us something that happens. For instance:

Cody figures the Detectors are being held captive by Ratman. If he can follow the creature, to his lair, he might be able to free them, but so far he almost dies every time he gets near Ratman. Obviously he's gonna need help from . . . who else? Batman!

If the other people are also looking for the Detectors, why is Ratman only attacking Cody? If they aren't looking for the Detectors, why not?

Feedback Request

The author of the opening featured in New Beginning 1029 would like feedback on the following revision:



The trees didn’t say a word. They never did. They watched.

Well today, I watched them right back. I stood in the middle of the dog park, staring at the woods in the distance. The sun roasted my shoulders right through my Green Lantern t-shirt, but I didn’t move.

Every day those freaky trees huddled along the back of the dog park like giant green aliens studying me for some crazy experiment. But today, their leaves flickered in the breeze as if a million green fingers were reaching out, begging me to come inside.

What were those trees hiding in there?

Of course Mom’s warning blared in my brain. I mean it, Cody, she’d said a bazillion times. It’s too dangerous. Gangs and drug addicts hang out in those woods. I don’t care what the other boys do. You’re never to go in there. Understand, Cody? Never.

Never? C’mon. Is never supposed to mean not ever for the rest of my life?


Notes

I'm not crazy about the trees as aliens simile. Why would the trees behind the dog park look any more like aliens than the trees he sees hundreds of other places?

Cody is probably smart enough to know that even if "never" doesn't mean for eternity, it also doesn't mean he can go in right now.

You don't lose much of anything if you start:

I stood in the middle of the dog park, staring at the trees in the distance. Mom’s warning blared in my brain: I mean it, Cody. It’s too dangerous. Gangs and drug addicts hang out in those woods. I don’t care what the other boys do. You’re never to go in there. Understand, Cody? Never.

Never? Come on. "Never," I decided, didn't mean never. It's just a word grownups say when they mean "not today."