Face-Lift 1334

Guess the Plot

Cruel Sacrifices

1. "We all have to make sacrifices" is what Kelsie's mom told her when she drastically limited her phone time. Well, mom, say goodbye to your dragon dildo collection.

2. An imp pretends to be a genie and convinces poor 39-year-old virgin Eddie that in order to finally get laid, he first needs to perform a spell that involves sacrificing his testicles.

3. A 1980's period piece, inspired by the infamous McMartin preschool trial, featuring a bitterly divorcing couple, a desperate-to-please 4-year-old, and an eccentric, free-spirited young teacher who may or may not actually be a sadistic bride of Satan.

4. When Indigo Aimes made a deal with the devil to rule the world, he knew he would lose his wife, his children, his friends, and his soul. On the bright side, he would be immortal, eternally young, and wealthy. He didn't count on the nuclear holocaust and becoming a cockroach.

5. Jason's life is not all its cracked up to be. After a terrible accident he is left unable to eat a majority of his favorite foods. Now he must subsist on a rainbow color of supplements . . . and human flesh.

6. Dar'qhart Raevyncloake just wants to rule the world...but in this vicious satire of grimdark fantasy, he finds himself constantly having to sacrifice virgins just to prove he's Really That Evil.

7. Shannon and Andrea are the best of friends, partly because they enjoy going to parties and concerts together, but mostly because Shannon doesn't know Andrea killed Shannon's brother. Awkward. Will Andrea reveal the truth and risk sacrificing her friendship?

8. 28-year-old basement dweller Cody has finally found romance. But when his online lover, Heavenlee, insists Cody murder her abusive fundamentalist parents and all 9 of her siblings, he begins to have second thoughts. Especially when he finds out she's twelve.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Andrea is hiding a dark secret. She and her classmates played a cruel prank on a new student and he later dies [died] from it. Shannon escapes her unstable family [Wait, who's Shannon? I thought we were talking about Andrea.] and painful past by settling down in Andrea’s hometown. Shannon was that new student’s sister. [Wait, Shannon wasn't already living in Andrea's hometown, but her brother was?] [And after the students at her brother's school cause his death, Shannon decides that's the school for her?] [A high school student has an unstable family, so she moves to a new town and settles down? How is she paying her bills?] [Shannon should be introduced in a new paragraph. Her sudden appearance in paragraph 1 is jarring.] [And provide both girls' last names.]

Andrea and Shannon meet coincidentally and become close friends. They go to concerts, parties, [and] games, etc. together [ . . . until] Andrea moves on and closes that chapter on her dark past. She meets a new guy and enjoys her pleasant life [starts neglecting her friendship with Shannon]. [But] Shannon can’t move on and she constantly obsesses over her past. She rekindles the relationship with her old boyfriend and despises her new life.

[Eventually,] Shannon uncovers Andrea’s dark secret about her brother. She snaps and now she wants revenge against her best friend.

CRUEL SACRIFICES is a 51,000 word YA contemporary novel, with thriller and mystery elements. This is a standalone novel with series potential.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

It doesn't flow like a story. It reads more like an outline, a list of things that happen. Once you boil the story down to about ten sentences, it's time to connect ideas with smooth transitions.

Some specificity would help. What was the prank? How can a kid just move alone to a new town and start attending school? What is this past Shannon obsesses over? What are the cruel sacrifices?

Andrea enjoys her pleasant life? That's vague and doesn't sound like a description of high school.

New Beginning 1058

In the brave, struggling world of irrational hope, Calle de la Congelacion was a refuge, a sequestered haven, a quarantined boneyard, a loved union, a hated community, an irresistible beauty, a ghastly dread, an eternal presence, a temporary thing, a home for the white robed, a home for the unapologetic sinner, a place where people stood tall, a place where people dropped to their knees, a home of understanding, and a home of confusion. It was far from unique.

Jack lived there because he could afford to.

Each house bore no resemblance to its neighbor. Each property was a thick forest. Each house stood alone. Each property displayed the uniformity of a renewing, continuous nature. Each house was poor and showed the deterioration of time. Each property was rich with a timeless patience, waiting for the predictable renovation of spring. It was far from unique.

Jack lived there because it was a good place to hide.

It was a confession booth. It was a denial of the pious. It was perverse. It was ordinary. It was isolated. It was in a crowd. It loved. It hated. It bought. It sold. It lived. It died. It was far from unique.

Jack lived there because it was near his job. 

One could easily go on and on with Calle de la Congelacion’s traits to tiresome perpetuity. However, it would merely be indicative of a total, tragic, comic and ludicrous disregard for the harsh reality now brutally manifested in the street’s world of today.

You know, like the rest of this introduction.


Opening: SumCan.....Continuation: Khazar-khum



Notes

This reminds me of A Tale of Two Cities, in that both have three Jacks. Okay, in A Tale of Two Cities it's three Jacques, but . . .

The sentences starting with Jack keep taking me out of the voice. Possibly it's the name "Jack." Go with Sebastián.

Repeating the "It was far from unique" sentence annoys me. 

I would go with a condensed version, and without the contrasts/contradictions:

In the world of irrational hope, the community bordered on the east by Calle de la Congelacion was a refuge, a sequestered haven, an irresistible beauty, a home for the unapologetic sinner. It was far from unique.

Sebastián lived there because he could afford it and it was close to his work. And because it was a good place to hide.

That kills a lot of your babies, but since this place is far from unique, most of what you say could be said about hundreds of places. I'm more interested in what is unique about it, as I assume that's why you're starting the book here. 

Face-Lift 1333

Guess the Plot

Illustrated Desert Under the Elms

1. This lovely, lively book features dozens of ideas for your next quick pick-me-up with desserts under that big tree in your yard, where--wait--DESERT? Never mind.

2. Political corruption involving garbage contracts. In the suburban desert. With pictures. Think The Sopranos, but with camels.

3. Anna has always visited the elm trees at her family's farm, gazing out at the wasteland, imagining a new life. When the local Native American boy is found babbling about the "Darkness", she discovers her imagination is the only thing protecting her home.

4. In a post-apocalyptic future where random words from ancient scraps of paper are used as names, 13-year-old Illustrated Desert, on an everyday scavenging mission with her friend Mortgage Knife, stumbles upon a sealed dome containing a magical world of towering green things and unimaginable lushness.

5. A delicate yet subversive kunstlerroman featuring sensitive, alienated young landscape painter Celeste, who despises the manicured suburban greenery around her, and longs only to create scenes of parched mesas and barren dunes.

6. A scrapbook-obsessed helicopter mom maintains an extensive photojournal of her 3-year-old's stunningly precocious Lego and Polly Pocket tableaux, all crafted in their backyard sandbox.

7. A 1,000-word picture book explaining ecological devastation and the world as it will be when young readers grow up. Don't worry, there's one cuddly bunny that doesn't die.


Original Version

A noir vision of a former southwestern rural which has been turned into a suburban community. It's [Its] newer residents have effectively taken over and want the reminders of the past de-facto obliterated; but are not fully aware of that. Themes include political corruption, widespread duplicity, young love, garbage contracts, and gangsta wannabees told through the lives of eleven people who live there. It's a total of 150,000 words and a 259,000 word version also exists; the former being stripped of many digressions. it's difficult to fully describe, but if one can see the main theme of "Infinite Jest" being a symbolic apocalypse brought about by the cold; then this is one brought about by the heat. [I see the main theme of Infinite Jest as tennis, which would make your main theme . . . short-track speed skating.]

I write in many fictional genres ranging from literary to a crappy short dalliance with bizarro; and have about thirty titles completed. So, if you have a heightened interest in one area please specify. [Alternate history haiku. With ducks.] Also, be aware that at age 67 I am not open to touring or book signings. [67 is the new 43. Get off your ass and promote.] My only interest is your indicated seven-figure-deal- negotiating skills. [I knew it. You're like Citizen Kane if he was a character in Plutarch's Lives (volume 2).]

Synopsis 56

 In 1995 Waxahachie, Texas, PAULA HARRIS, her husband TRAVIS, and their children--MELINDA, ANTONIO, and TASHA move into an allegedly haunted house. They are informed by the realtor and neighbors that a family named the Watsons were brutally murdered in 1970 in the house.

A couple of months later, the family finds the Watsons’ evil spirits are trying to force them out of their home. The spirits still think the house belongs to them and they want to retake ownership of the house. The deceased wife/matriarch of the Watsons [Watson?] family murdered her entire family and committed suicide after she discovered her husband, the love of her life, had an ongoing affair with their children’s nanny. 

Paula and her family learn that [all] the previous owners either fled, disappeared or were murdered. The deceased wife possesses Paula’s older daughter, Melinda. Paula gradually notices that [her eldest daughter] Melinda is acting very unusual. She finds out that [Turns out] the deceased wife is controlling [has possessed] Melinda. For a while, they [the Harrisses (or is it Harrises?] ponder whether to stay or leave the house. They decide to stay and get rid of the spirits. 

At first, Paula and her family think they defeated the spirits after they [arranges to] have the house blessed by a priest. [and]  All of the paranormal activity stops. The house is peaceful for a while[--] until the spirits come back with a vengeance and try to kill them all. Later, the deceased wife possesses Paula and forces her to attack her family. After getting [she gets] into a fight with Travis, he acts as if he is going [feigns trying] to kill Paula which in turn scares the deceased wife and she leaves Paula’s body. 

Everything in the house begins to move as if an earthquake hits it. When the Harris family sees that the evil spirits have come back and grown stronger and that there is no way to get rid of them, they decide to leave their dream home permanently. Weeks later, they buy a new house in the same neighborhood. [Good idea. Let's live down the street from the spirits who want us dead.] Instead of destroying the [haunted] house, the realtor sells the house [it] and the new owners turn the house [it] into a museum. [Presumably a museum that isn't open at night.] [On second thought, nighttime is the only time anyone would want to go.] [So that's it? After resolving to fight for what's theirs, they give up and leave? It seems like the ghosts are the main characters, and they learn to be careful what they wish for, as they were better off with the Harris family than with all these tourists visiting every night and demanding a horror show.]

Finally, the story flashes to the present and at this time, Paula, Travis, and their now grown children dine at their favorite restaurant and reminisce about everything that happened to them over the years. They talk about all of the latest events in their lives before they leave separately for a planned get-together. [This isn't needed in the query. It probably isn't needed in the book unless something startling happens at the dinner, like the waitperson turns out to be Mrs. Watson.

Notes

On the TV show Supernatural, now in its twelfth season, when a house is haunted, it's almost always haunted by ghosts of people who were murdered there. Which I mention only because this book is called The Supernatural. (See previous post.)

I've suggested some lines I think you can do without; whether you want to replace them with other lines may depend on how long a synopsis you need.

Face-Lift 1332

Guess the Plot

The Supernatural

1. Yet another house in which people were murdered. Yet another family willing to move in because the price is right and ghosts aren't real. Why should this one turn out any different?

2. Since people believe ghosts aren't real, it's incredibly easy for John and Shirley--who are ghosts--to go about their daily lives. Until those meddling kids show up.

3. Between the panhandlers, the drug dealers, and the wanted criminals, there's no room for ghosts or poltergeists in the subways of New York, and it's about time they did something about the situation. Also, a plague of rats.

4. Organic superheroes Kale Man and Flax Woman range freely until GMOnster teams with Gluten Beast in a diabolical scheme to sabotage free trade agreements throughout the world. The ensuing battle will determine whether Earth is transformed into a syndrome-free paradise or is plunged into a black hole under the weight of 16 billion obese people.

5. Haunted houses and ghosts aren't real, Martin reminds himself again while watching the half-transparent woman in the blue dress drink tea in the old family room. And he's not seeing her male companion, their maid, or their black Poodle either.

6. Blair purchases a book on how to summon the dead online so she can berate her girlfriend for dying so young. After seeing the thousand-page length, she decides to use the CliffsNotes version. Things go very wrong, and that's only in the first twenty pages.


Original Version

Dear...

Twenty-five years ago, a woman brutally murdered her cheating husband, his mistress, and her two kids, before killing herself in her home. Flash forward to the 1990s, [No need to flash forward; twenty-five years ago was the 1990s.] Waxahachie, Texas, a new family has moved in.  [That sentence is two sentences with a comma between them. Also, when you say "Flash forward to the 1990s, Waxahachie, Texas," a reader could get the impression we weren't in Waxahachie to begin with. How about: Waxahachie, Texas, 1970: a woman brutally murders her cheating husband, his mistress, and her two kids, before killing herself. Flash forward to the 1990s. A new family moves into the murder house.]

Paula Harris is determined to start a new life with her family in the town [Waxahachie], after fleeing her cruel mother before the poisonous relationship harms her husband and children. The realtor and neighbors warn Paula and her husband of the tragedy and rumored hauntings, but the couple pegs [write off? discount?] the stories as small-town gossip and moves in anyway. [Deciding whether to treat "the couple" as singular or plural can depend on the context or even the country you're in. I usually decide based on what pronoun I would use to replace the noun. Since I would use "they" rather than "it" for couple in this sentence, I would use "discount" and "move" rather than "discounts" and "moves." Does that make me British?] 

Weeks later, evil spirits torment them. It starts with voices, footsteps, shadows, and the actual apparitions themselves [progresses to apparitions of the murder victims]. The family is [are] horrified when the evil spirits try to kill them in their home. The matriarch of the spirit family transports Paula to 1970 to witness the long-ago murders. Paula is appalled and determines to exorcise the evil spirits. [Are there five evil spirits? Or do only those who were evil in life become evil spirits in death?] 

Through painstaking research, Paula learns that every family who has ever lived in the home has either fled in terror or mysteriously disappeared [Or were killed by Mom.] During the day, the home sits quiet and peaceful, but at night the evil spirits possess one of their kids [Paula's children]. Unable to leave because the evil spirits attached themselves to her family, Paula desperately tries to destroy them because if she doesn't find a way to do so, [If she fails,] her family will die. [Is the possessed child still possessed in the daytime? If not, why don't they run for it?]

Complete at 70,000 words THE SUPERNATURAL is a Paranormal/Thriller Adult novel.


Notes

While it's good that you have a strong female lead taking charge of the situation, it's hard to believe Dad is sitting idly by. Is he arguing that there's no such thing as ghosts? Or is this a team effort?

Do they try leaving the house in hopes that the spirits just want them gone, and the ones that possessed a child will stay behind with the other spirits when Paula's family leave? Worth a try. Staying in a house where evil spirits try to kill you at night seems kind of stupid. In fact, after a visit to Waxahachie's Facebook page, I've decided that I'd be scrambling to get out even if my house weren't haunted.

This is mostly setting up the situation. I would replace the last sentence of paragraph 3 with the line about one of the spirits possessing one of the children. Then dump the rest of paragraph 4 and use it to tell us what Paula plans to do to destroy the spirits, what goes wrong, what decision she must make (abandon her possessed child to save the rest of the family?)

Transporting Paula to 1970 to witness the murders seems like something the spirit would do to make a point or to show Paula how to free the spirits from their earthly prison. Here it sounds like it's just to torment Paula. Is it supposed to accomplish something?

I don't know about books, but this plot's been done dozens of times on screen, so if there's something that sets this apart from all the others, emphasize it in the query.

Face-Lift 1331

Guess the Plot

Worlds Collide

1. Tiffani is a ballet dancer; Brandon is a stevedore. She loves arts and crafts pottery. He loves NFL football. They meet by happenstance and discover a mutual passion: both are serial killers.

2. Anna finds a mysterious cave that pulls her into a world inhabited by strange creatures who think her appearance represents the beginning of an invasion. Which is pretty much how Anna felt when the Roman Empire first invaded her country.

3. Something is headed straight toward Earth, with the resulting crash enough to wipe out all of humanity. However, unlike an asteroid, this is another planet with life of its own. Hey, if we all gotta die, we might as well take someone with us.

4. When a portal opens between earth and fantasy land, it's not young teens who move through, it's the whole planet. To set things right, Grandma McCurdy must face increased gravity, tidal anomalies, climate change, invasive species, etc. Oh, and cataclysmic magic. 

5. When opposing candidates for the office of mayor meet at the Worlds Collide bar, sparks fly, leading to a whole nother level of heat in their respective campaigns.

6. When a world of (really hot) vampires, werewolves and mummies collides with a world of discontented (and also really hot) high school students, the results are predictable yet strangely compelling.

7. The studios want something "new, but familiar," so Harvey writes a dystopian version of the 1950s classic When Worlds Collide that sees scientists murdered by mobs of zombies, a rocket crashing into the sun, and another ship piloted by Jennifer Lawrence and Lady Gaga making it to safety. Sure, Harvey gets a contract, but will he get a date with Jennifer?

8. The land of rainbows and sunshine collides with the world of zombies and darkness when a mishap with a happy-smile potion goes terribly wrong. Can Sparkles and Kazoo find a cure before their home is irrevocably changed forever?

9. Minky Flint wants to marry a hard working farm boy instead of the foppish prat her parents engaged her to before she was born. Fortunately, she has a fairy godmother. Unfortunately, the godmother agrees with her parents! What's a girl gotta do to get the right fairy tale ending?


Original Version

Worlds Collide is the first book in a Mid-Grade fantasy series complete at 35K words set in the time period of [during] the Roman occupation of the Britons. [My sources (Wikipedia) tell me the occupied area is known as the Britains or Roman Britain. The Britons are the people. Also, you might manage to say the book is 35K words, rather than the series is 35K words, and that the series is set during the occupation, rather than the words are set then. It'll be easier if you use two sentences to convey the information.] 

Anna starts her life as a happy child with loving parents. She and her family live in a small village that goes unnoticed by both the Romans and the Saxons who are fighting with each other for control of the land. Anna's happiness is cut short by the death of her father and shortly after that, the death of her mother. [when her parents die and she must move in] She lives for several years with her drunken uncle. until the day fate crosses her path.

[Years later,] Anna finds [stumbles upon] a mysterious cave that pulls her into a new world inhabited by strange creatures, who are just as surprised to see her as she is to see them. [It would be nice to know whether Anna is ten or thirteen or sixteen.]

There is a priestess among the people of this new world who is able to help[s] Anna to understand them and them her. [Are the "people" of this world the same beings you described as "strange creatures"? If so, calling them people may give the wrong impression. If not, then I don't see the arrival of one girl causing as much distress as it does in the next paragraph.] 

They are the people of Suan and many of them are very disturbed by her presence. Anna is unable to [claims she can't] explain how she came to be there but many of the Suan believe she is lying. Some believe that she [her arrival] could be the beginning of [portend] an invasion from her world.

Anna is brought before King Maaz of the Suan’s [Suans] and after she tells her story, the king decides that she is telling the truth and is no threat to his people.

With all societies in this world or another, things aren’t always as they seem. Saban, one of the kings [king's] closest generals had [, has] been working for a long time to steal the loyalty of the kings [king's] rangers, and seize power for himself,[.]  [He] sees Anna as a tool he can use to further his ambitions.

With the help of the kings [king's] treacherous oldest son[,]  the general is able to overthrow[s] King Maaz and have [has] him arrested.

 Anna finds herself a fugitive on the run with a small group of Suan’s [Suans] who are loyal to King Maaz. They desperately need help but don’t know who they can trust, so they attempt something that may cause two worlds to collide in war. ["Attempt something" is too vague. What's their plan? This is more important information than anything about Anna's parents and her drunken uncle and the priestess.]

Notes

Sentences that logically belong together should be in the same paragraph. Using a lot of one-sentence paragraphs gives the impression you're listing ideas without connecting them. Your plot summary could easily be organized into three paragraphs. 

As the Roman occupation lasted about 370 years, telling us the story is set in that time period is like telling us a story is set in the time between the pilgrims reaching Plymouth Rock and the debut of The Simpsons on Fox. We have a right to know whether this is set at the time Hadrian's Wall was being built or closer to when the self-proclaimed emperor Carausius was assassinated by his treasurer.

New Nobel Literature Prizes.

The news that Bob Dylan has won the Nobel Prize for Literature for his songwriting (only a few years after Evil Editor won the same prize for my blogging), has me wondering if there might be Nobel Prizes in the futures of other authors of less-conventional works. For instance, Victor Mizzy, composer of the theme songs of both The Addams Family and Green Acres. Who doesn't get one of those running through their head at least once a week? Which is a lot more often than I think about anything by John Steinbeck.

What about commercial jingles? A lot of famous musicians have written commercial jingles, including Barry Manilow, Randy Newman, and The Rolling Stones, but the Nobel Prize would have to go to Richard Trentlage for the Oscar Mayer Wiener Song. Trentlage's body of work also includes the Buckle Up for Safety jingle.

I, myself, produced a line of greeting cards that would probably be worthy of a Nobel, though I don't think they give them to people who already have them:





I'm rightfully proud of some of my tweets, and in this day of short attention spans, it could be argued that tweets are to novels as haiku are to epic poems. In other words, Nobel Prize-worthy. Just look at these excerpts from my book The History of the World in Tweets, and tell me I don't deserve another Nobel:

1809: Embargo Act of 1807 repealed in the US; the Non-Intercourse Act replaces it. Name is quickly changed to quell mass rioting.
_____________________________________________
1814: USS Enterprise reaches Wilmington, North Carolina. Must have been one of those time travel episodes.
_____________________________________________
1818: Mary Shelley's Frankenstein published. Anonymously, as female authors were often attacked by mobs with torches and pitchforks.
_____________________________________________
1821: Astronomer Alexis Bouvard detects irregularities in orbit of Uranus. Hey, anytime there's irregularity in Uranus, it needs to be looked into.
_____________________________________________
1831: Charles Darwin embarks on historic voyage aboard HMS Beagle. But only after asking God not to create a sea monster that sinks him.


Other writing forms that will one day be Nobel-worthy:

Billboards.
Bumper stickers.
Signs held up by football fans.
Tattoos.

Now Available!

Face-Lift 1330

Guess the Plot

Developing the Work Force of You

1. You can't do anything about the deadbeats and assholes you work with and under, but this book will show you how to make your own workday more efficient, productive, and fun. Plus it'll inspire you to reflect on how you ended up stuck in the rut you're in and might even help you get a date with Janice in accounting.

2. Theo is an under-performer in the machine empire. When he's assigned a personal life coach, he suddenly has incentive to learn all he can about repairing machines . . . and destroying them. 

3. Mark Candoleso buys an audio self-help book, Developing the Work Force of You to play while he's stuck in LA traffic. At first it's just a standard, self-motivational type of book, no different from some others he's heard. But when it starts to suggest ways of 'eliminating your supervisor without retribution', 'how to change management without involving others', and '10 chemicals that eat flesh', he begins to wonder if maybe he should try some of these plans on that goddamned bastard McReedy.

4. Two words: clone army. If Anya Belifonte can clone herself, her fashion line will never lack a dedicated workforce. Too bad human cloning is illegal, and the only shady scientist for hire would rather have her as his date than as his employer. 

5.  Joe's self help guide ends up a bestseller. Only it turns out he accidentally brainwashed anyone who read it to become an evil henchman. Can Joe undo the damage with a sequel before he takes over the world? 

6. Nobody else in her company knows what they're doing. Evelyn's solution: fire everyone under her and kill everyone over her. The place'll run way more efficiently. Hell, she'll probably get a promotion for coming up with this.

Original Version

I am writing to you today because you represented [inserted similar work that the agent represented} and I feel my book is similar. [Put this at the end of the query.]

DEVELOPING THE WORKFORCE OF YOU is a business book designed to help individuals obtain the most of [from] the working experience by providing guidelines that help an individual identify and correct counterproductive behavior that would preclude them from receiving the maximum benefit from their working experience.  [That sentence is so wordy and vague, the drudgery of my miserable job sounds rather enticing compared to slogging through this book. So in a way, you've already accomplished your purpose by showing me things could be worse.] [You've used the words "individual" and "working experience" twice each in one sentence. More efficient would be to say the book will help workers maximize X, (where X is . . . what? Efficiency? Pleasure? Size of their paycheck?)] The book is structured with guidelines to help aid in this process of understanding and analyzing ones on [one's own] behavior in the workplace.  [That's the second time you've mentioned behavior. Is your target audience people who behave badly at work?] [Also, are there really that many people interested in analyzing their behavior in the workplace?]  At the end of most of the guidelines, [Is each guideline a chapter? If so, use "chapter."] there is a reflection section.   This is where I ask the reader a question that they must ask themselves.  [For example, if I ask the reader, "Are you happy with your crappy job?" the reader must ask himself, "Am I happy with my crappy job?"] This enables the reader to be introspective [Maybe you should call it the introspection section instead of the reflection section. Actually, I wouldn't call it any kind of "section" if it's just a question. And if you do call it something, try to make it something that doesn't rhyme.] and will prompt the reader to consider his/her own actions.  [Sample reflection questions:

1. How many hours did I have to work to pay for this book?
2. Where does my boss get off ordering me around? 
3. Is it time for my coffee break yet?
4. Was I wrong to punch Cheever for laughing at my tie?
5. Why didn't I go to film school? I coulda been another Frankenheimer.
6. Uh oh, did I hit "reply all" when I sent Janice in accounting that DicPic?
7. Who you lookin at?
8.  Is daydreaming about Janice in accounting really that unproductive?
9. Who would win a fight between a kangaroo and a goat?
10. Hey, what's Cheever talking to Janice about? I'll kill the bastard.

[Start a new paragraph here.] This book is geared towards young professionals between the ages of 21 to 37 years of age, [First of all, 37 is a strange number to choose as the upper limit to your range. Second, when you say "between the ages of," you don't have to also say "years of age."] whom [who] have obtained at least a bachelor’s degree and are either starting out in the workforce or looking to obtain more value from their work experience.  My book is comparable to various titles such as The Outward Mindset: Seeing beyond ourselves: The Arbinger Institute, Making Work Work: The Positivity Solution for any work environment and The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. [You've already mentioned one title of a book yours is similar to; that's plenty.] 

Thank you for taking the time to consider my work and I look forward to hearing from you.

Notes

This is horrible. Assuming you've already completed the book, say so and tell us how many words are in the book.

Also, tell us what qualifies you to write it. Are you an expert in some business field or a psychologist? What business experience do you have?

What does your book have that the other books you've mentioned don't have? Provide a sample chapter or two so we can see one or two of your guidelines and what accompanies those guidelines in the book.

If you haven't completed the book, you still need to include samples, and perhaps an outline of the rest, or at least a proposed table of contents. 

This query letter hasn't done the job of showing specifically what's in your book or demonstrating that you can organize a lot of information into a cohesive work. 

Start over and be specific.

Synopsis 55

Guess the Plot

Betrayal

1. Immortals can hold a grudge for a very long time. Helen knows this very well as all her previous incarnations were killed by the same immortal guy for some betrayal millennial ago. Can she convince the guy to forgive her before she is killed off too?

2. Queen Adile back-stabs King Thume since she'd been sleeping with Duke Iolae (who's also sleeping with the king), but is in turn betrayed (as is the Duke by one of his other mistresses). It's up to head goon Schultz to stop the kingdom from dissolving.

3. Problem: Lonely, plain Ellen has a crush on super-popular, super hot Martin. But she'll never get him to go to the prom with her, not when there's gorgeous Kelsie to be had. Solution: Have her cute friend Molly ask him to go, then change at the dance! There's just one more problem, though: Kelsie has also asked Molly for the same favor. Will hilarity ensue--or murder?

4. Diamond betrays Kimberly, by starting a relationship with Joaquin. Abraham becomes interested in Piggy, but Piggy likes Javier. I could go on and on. So many women sleeping with their friends' men that you can't keep up with it all, and eventually you don't care anyway. Also, murder, Colombian drug lords, and baseball.

5. Private detective George Furtzman is hired to prove Jane Quaintly is embezzling from Judge Readmann. Jane, formerly Readmann’s trusted secretary, is hired as his household manager upon his retirement. The heirs are certain she is stealing him blind. George pretends to be an antiquarian interested in the Judge’s rare books. Then he falls in love with Jane. Should George betray Jane’s affection, sending her to prison, or the heirs who trust him? 

6. When she finds out her husband and her sister have been sleeping together for the past six years, Marion has some decisions to make, namely which one to murder (or rather which one to murder first), and which country with no extradition treaty with the US to move to before the bodies are found.

7. Comprehensive step-by-step instructions to show how you, too, can become a master in backstabbing, divulging sensitive information about your employer, cheating on your spouse, releasing compromising photos about your bestie to the press and drowning your most loyal pet. A must for all aspiring politicians! 


  
Original Version

Blue Orchids: Betrayal is about 6 wealthy black families. They live in Atlanta, at the fictional Lake Garnett. Blue Orchids: Betrayal is the first installment to an intended series. The color blue is a symbolic representation of the emotional themes explored in this book young. ["This book young"? Possibly you should have read this before submitting it.] Flowers always represent women. Orchids in particular represent luxury as the young women of this book come from wealthy families. [Not clear why you're explaining this symbolism. The synopsis is supposed to summarize the plot, i.e. what happens in your book.]

The families on the surface have built their wealth legitimately. The family matriarch Romanda, is a talk show legend with a media empire. [She's Oprah Winfrey. Got it.] But her brother in law Dante Harris who is a retired two sport athlete who grew his fortune drug smuggling with his adopted brother Prescott Stiller. Prescott is a wealthy, well connected, and a ruthless criminal lawyer. Prescott happens to be best friends with a Colombian official that has connected Dante to the world of international drug trading and his two sons Joaquin and Javier and nephew DeMarco. Prescott and Dante disguises their illegal practices through the Harris Warehouse that wholesales appliances. Between Romanda’s success and Dante’s illegal practices, the family’s wealth has connected them with top businessmen, attorneys, and politicians.

The family’s success [Which family? You said there were six families.] in this book however is highlighted [shown? revealed?] through the extravagant lifestyles of their high school aged daughters. The family matriarch’s niece is the main character, Diamond, she is the antagonist. The first line of conflict in the book is a relationship torn apart by Diamond’s lack of respect for her matriarch aunt’s daughter, Imanni. Imanni is in a relationship with the much older Wesley. Diamond learns that one of her best friend’s [friends] Christina is sleeping with him, and does nothing about it. [Is this matriarch aunt the matriarch of one family or all six families or some other number?]

Diamond and Imanni lead their best friends. Imanni’s best friends are Maciesha and Ambi. Diamond’s best friends are Piggy, Christina, and Chantrelle. Both groups have a mutual friendship with Kimberly. [No one can keep track of this many characters in such a short space. Kimberly has a relationship with Black Colombian Joaquin, who is a Harris Warehouse employee. Diamond betrays Kimberly, by starting a relationship with Joaquin. Because of this relationship Kim loses the affections of her money hungry mother and gets thrown out of the family home, leaving Kim pregnant and homeless. While sleeping in her car she becomes a victim of a brutal rape and drugging, causing her to lose the baby.

One of Imanni’s friends, Maciesha is in love with a stupid criminal named Abraham. Abraham becomes interested in Piggy. But Piggy likes Joaquin’s younger brother Javier. [Is this a gag query?] Piggy and Abraham do not carry on a love affair. But Abraham however shows Piggy his stash of one million dollars, and large amount of cocaine and marijuana. She tells Javier who tells Joaquin. Diamond learns of Joaquin’s plans of robbery, and doesn’t care, only requesting him not to murder her lifelong friend. Maciesha who is almost nine months pregnant is shot in the head. Abraham dies, as well as the baby. Maciesha clings to life. [Everyone dies except the one who was shot in the head?] She awakes with no memory, clearing Joaquin.

Diamond does face some consequence when Imanni learns of Christina and Wesley’s relationship. She brutally beats the two of them, and goes to confront Wesley. [She brutally beats him and then goes to confront him?] He however turns the tables by brutally beating her. Imanni is rescued by Javier. They fall in love, leaving Piggy heart broken, because she has lost her virginity to Javier. Piggy rages war against Imanni, they battle the entire book.

Christina who has now turned against Diamond, but fears of telling her, invites them all to her pro- baseball player brother’s wedding in New Orleans. While the family is away Joaquin, who is feeling guilt and sorrow about all that happened to his former girlfriend Kimberly decides to rekindle his romance with Kim despite still being in a very serious relationship with Diamond. Diamond however finds herself at the wedding in New Orleans in the arms of a mystery man who is much older and married, but equally captivating dancing with me him [her] all night long. They do not exchange names. [This is going on too long. You've had sex, drugs, crime, murder, and Oprah, but it's not grabbing us because it's presented as a list of characters and events with no focus and very little elaboration.]

Diamond returns home and finds things to be odd in her relationship. Joaquin is moody, distant, and disappears frequently. They do their best to rekindle but end up breaking up after a concert. Joaquin runs to Kim, they make love. Diamond’s mother accidently re-introduces the mystery man, from the wedding back into Diamond’s life. His name is Victor Monroe. They begin a friendship that has a much deeper and honest connection than Diamond has ever experienced. But Diamond knows their love is forbidden, so she lies about her age. The family also hates Victor Monroe. Victor once worked for Prescott Stiller’s law firm. Victor stole his best attorneys and four of his largest corporations to start his new and highly successful law practice.

Unannounced to Diamond the readers and Diamond’s family learn that Kim is pregnant. While Diamond desperately clings to the hope of having another shot at love with Joaquin. Kim’s pregnancy is revealed to Diamond at Diamond’s 17th birthday party. Diamond also finds out her family, minus her mother and best friend Piggy knew that Kim was pregnant by Joaquin her entire pregnancy.

Kim attempts to apologize to Diamond at a local restaurant. Here Kim observes Victor Monroe in the lobby of the restaurant. She does not know who he is and he does not know her. She observes his wedding band, hears him lying to his wife on the phone, and smells his cologne. The same cologne she smells at the table where Diamond is sitting. Kim does apologize, they have a heated argument, where Kim reveals that she knows that Diamond is there with a married man. Kim leaves and tells Diamond’s aunt Romanda. Romanda reveals that Victor Monroe is married to her best friend Pamela Monroe.

The Harris Warehouse begins to fall apart. Shane, Diamond’s mother hires Victor Monroe and his firm to defend Dante, Joaquin and his brothers. Dante, Joaquin and his brothers are all indicted on a federal level. After the arrests Diamond decides to stay with Joaquin. Joaquin falls for Kim more and more as he anticipates the arrival of his baby girl. He continues to cancel dates and neglect Diamond. But Diamond stays busy with her friend Victor. Falling for him despite all the reasons not too. [to] The night Joaquin and Kim’s daughter, Justice Micaela is born, Diamond decides to make love to Victor. Diamond finds out making love to a man 18 years older can be addictive. They decide to take their friendship to the next level. While the family minus Shane and Piggy are in love with Kim and Joaquin’s baby girl. The family also learns that Victor has negotiated a plea deal that sends Dante to prison for 10 years and advises Joaquin and his brother to return to Colombia.


Notes

This is why I request that synopses be no longer than 400 words. If someone shows interest in your book and requests a longer synopsis, fine, but they will learn to be careful what they wish for. 

Start over. Diamond is your main character, so get to her in paragraph 1, not paragraph 3. Tell us her story. What does she want, what's keeping her from getting it, what's her plan, what goes wrong, what does she do about it? Make us care about her. Don't just list things that happen.  

Unfortunately, a more concise synopsis won't help if there are lots of errors--missing commas and hyphens, run-on sentences, etc.--because we will assume the book has the same problems. I'm pretty sure the book does have the same problems.