Face-Lift 1278

Guess the Plot

Vagabonder

1. It's 1947, and former WAC Jill Avery has a rather adventurous plan for financing her trip from NYC to LA.

2. When Priscilla Porcupine's wood is lost in a forest fire, she narrowly escapes. But that is just the beginning of her odyssey. She must find another home-wood. She deals with rabid skunks, venomous snakes, ravenous coyotes, and clumsy bears in her desperate search for a safe home.

3. High-flying marketing exec Alex Stone has girlfriends all over the world. He's got a name for his habit: vagabonding. (Get it? He "bonds" with them, although it's always temporary.) When a freak accident leaves him in a state of amnesia, he has nothing but his little black book and a stack of travel records to piece together his identity. Hilarity ensues.

4. Dr K has a great idea for stopping sexual violence: A spray-on foam called vagabonder. Once the BDSM scene discovers it, though, it's used in all sorts of unintended ways. Porn shoots become...extended, as do honeymoons and date nights. Dr K will be rich . . . or will some lawyer claim a share?

5. After 23 years in captivity, a slave returns to his home in Uruguay and finds his father and sister were killed by robots. So he sets out on a journey to Kenya where he can take the space elevator to the moon and lead his people in rebellion against the mega-corporation that rules Earth.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

In 2238, Caen was removed from his childhood home in Uruguay as a member of OnyxCorp’s slave workforce. He doesn’t want to be a slave, but what choice does he have? He is Dua, a new species of hominid, the result of a worldwide plague that killed 80% of Earth’s population more than a century ago. While humans enjoy a life free from labor, [I'm sick of all these dystopian books; finally a book where humans are free from labor. And I'm not saying that just because I'm human.] the docile and easily manipulated Dua mine what remains of rapidly declining Earth and moon resources. [Moon resources: dust, rocks, golf balls, fast food wrappers, green cheese, one large monolith, three Lunar Roving Vehicles, and an abandoned potato farm.] In the absence of any real government, OnyxCorp reigns supreme, relentlessly pursuing power and profit at the expense of an entire species.

Twenty-three years later, Caen returns home [Slaves are entitled to two weeks unpaid vacation every 23 years. Hey, OnyxCorp isn't without heart.] to find his mother broken and terrified. She reveals his father and sister are dead, killed by Authority, OnyxCorp’s robotic military arm. What’s more, he’s in danger as well. For Caen is a Vagabonder, a legendary group of Dua who are smarter, stronger, and more humane than the humans who govern them. And OnyxCorp wants them eradicated. [He's smarter and stronger, but OnyxCorp never noticed this in the past 23 years?] 

The solution? Journey to the moon. Find the Vagabonders. Destroy OnyxCorp.

[The problem? There's no air on the moon. Or water. At least there's a Starbucks.]

Caen begins a perilous odyssey that will take him to Mombasa, where he can access the Vine, the space elevator that will transport him to moon. [To moon? So we finally decided, after naming the other 150+ moons in our solar system, to name our own, and the best name we could come up with was "moon"?] [Also, a 239,000-mile elevator ride? With a bunch of people who don't want to make any eye contact, so they just stare at the lights up above the door? And there's one guy who keeps farting?]

Buttons in space elevator

[It would be a drag to be running for the space elevator yelling, "Hold the elevator!" and the passengers just let the doors close and now you have to wait for it to go all the way to moon and back. Or if you miss your floor and have to get off at the next one, which is Mars.] [I hope the space elevator is faster than the one in my building, or by the time it reaches moon there'll be nothing inside but skeletons.] There, he will seek his ancestors, who are said to possess knowledge and wisdom that will end OnyxCorp’s repression of both human and Dua. [Knowledge that they have been keeping to themselves for decades.] [They are said to possess this knowledge and wisdom? What is it, a rumor? A myth? That's like finding out NASA spent trillions to put astronauts on moon just because they heard there was a really smart man up there.]

Sounds easy enough, but OnyxCorp will do anything to keep its malleable workforce intact. Lying, manipulation, subterfuge, murder: These are standard operating procedures. Even genocide. [Fortunately, Caen is strong, smart and humane, so he should have no trouble taking down an evil worldwide megacorporation.]

VAGABONDER is my debut science fiction novel of 160,000 words.


Notes

This is all backstory, setup. Condense the whole thing into one three-sentence paragraph, and then give us two more paragraphs about your actual story, which is how Caen plans to succeed, what goes wrong, what will happen if he can't overcome this obstacle.

Vagabonder means to wander (in French). Is that the title because Caen wanders around looking for Mombasa? I'd look for a title people will understand, like Moon Slaves vs the Robot Army.

160,000 words is two books. If you don't have two books, try cutting about 60,000 words of backstory and unimportant detail from your one book.

Here's a link to Dion singing his hit "The Wanderer," which is known as "Vagabonder" in France. Check out the people in the audience.

Face-Lift 1277

Guess the Plot

Illusion

1. Not really a manuscript. Nothing to see here. Move along.

2. Stage magician Harry "Whodunnit" must prove his assistant's live beheading was suicide, not murder, or his next escape act will be from death row.

3. Kate has her summer all planned out, until she's kidnapped by an organization of good magicians from another world. Then an evil band of magicians shows up, and it's up to Kate to thwart their diabolical plan to make human beings less creative.

4. When magician Kris Angle dies in an onstage stunt, it's considered an accident by Las Vegas PD. But LA homicide detective Zack Martinez was there, and he knows two things. One, a simple disappearing stunt shouldn't kill anyone, and two, 'Cirque de Soleil' puts out a better show anyway.

5. Life got you down? Truth hurts? Ask your doctor about Illusion (TM). Congressman Charlie Hahn has, and even though his fiance is cheating on him, his subordinates hate him, and he's five shades greyer and 15 pounds heavier than the guy being groomed to replace him, life is great. But what happens when he develops a tolerance for Illusion and his prescription runs out?

6. When Tom Bradley wakes up with a bloody knife in his hand and a dead clown in his bed, he's got a mess to clean up. But a witness comes forward and Detective Sophie Lamb is on the case. It's not the first time a hunky suspect claimed it was all an illusion. But will she fall for that again?

7. Debra Loughlin married too young. At least, that's her excuse why her husband is cheating, her kids hate her, and she just got fired from her job. But now she's got a plan. One evil magician, one deadly illusion, and her life will take a new turn.

8. Rupturio is a stage magician with a stage like no other, but when shapeshifting mobsters sieze his illusory platform and tweak it for their own nefarious purposes, rabbits gotta be pulled from hats. Big rabbits. Fluffy. Some of 'em babies.

9. Joey is a high functioning autistic savant. He sees things that aren't there, then shouts things these things at strangers. They all come true in some odd way. One day he tells a mob boss that he’s going fall to his death. Now Joey must run for his life because the boss’s henchmen try to kill Joey. Also voices in his head.

10. When Jonathan Holmes meets Cherry Lane, he projects his best possible image: Tall, dark, and handsome with just a touch of scoundrel. She buys it, of course, as have most women who've fallen under his magical spell. But when Jonathan realizes he actually loves her, he must decide whether to keep up the illusion, or reveal that he is, in fact, a troll. 


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Sixteen-year-old Kate Stillwell has her summer organized into a tidy list of bullet points and subheaders—until she’s abducted by Idina, her best friend.

Kate is taken to the headquarters of the Celestian Guard, an organization of magicians from another world. While at the Guard, Kate learns that she is the daughter of a Celestian and a human, which gifts her with a rare form of magic: her words can become reality. [They can? Or they do? Anyone's words can become reality. For instance, a while ago I said I was going to publish this blog post. Hey, I'm a magician!] [Has she ever noticed that her words become reality? Or did she think it was a coincidence that even her most outlandish words actually happened?] [If she says, Justin Bieber will walk into my bedroom, does she have to do something special to make it happen, or does it just happen?]

She also discovers that the magicians were commissioned to protect the delicate balance between humanity’s magic—creativity—and real magic, a task the magicians fulfilled effectively until an enemy band of magicians called Berserkers severed the pathway to Celestus. [I thought the Celestian Guard lived on Celestia, and the Celestusian Guard lived on Celestus. Guess I had that backwards.] 

Now the Berserkers are hunting for a lost sword that could be used to free their leader from his prison in the center of the earth. Intent on protecting creativity, Kate volunteers to join a hunt to find and destroy the sword—but if they can’t, then creativity will fall. [It seems like all Kate has to do is say, "The sword is in Mt. Doom." Problem solved. That would be too easy. What can make Kate's words not become reality?]

ILLUSION is a YA contemporary fantasy complete at 54,000 words that could be pitched as National Treasure meets The Kane Chronicles. ILLUSION does have series potential, but can stand on its own.

I am a member of the Florida Writers Association. ILLUSION is currently a finalist for the Royal Palm Literary Award (winners to be announced in October).

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

A sword doesn't sound like the best tool to free someone from a prison. Although even if it is, the hard part will be getting to the center of the Earth. Of course Kate can prevent the Berserkers from bringing the sword to the center of the Earth to rescue their leader by simply saying  The Berserkers' leader is now imprisoned in the center of Uranus.

If creativity exists on Earth and magic exists on Celestus, why are the magicians charged with keeping a balance? It's really hot on Mercury and cold on Neptune, but it wouldn't make sense to tell someone to keep a balance between their temperatures.

Kate has an unstoppable super power. We need to know her limitations.

As Idina is never mentioned again, do we really need to know she's involved in the abduction? Do you really need to abduct your best friend? Can't you just say Come with me to a magical world.? I'd go.
  

Face-Lift 1276

Guess the Plot

Me Against the World

1. When a black market deal goes bad, Perry Barker tries to run for his life. But no one can escape the over 5000 members of the nefarious American Pawnbrokers Association.

2. My husband is cheating, the kids are delinquents, and I'm getting laid off next week. Plus, I'm turning 40 and can't fit into my size 10 pants. I dare you to say you won't represent my book.

3. Mom channels the spirit of Sarah Bernhardt. Dad invents things. Rocky crawled into the pantry last week and covered himself with flour and red food coloring. Ten-year-old Dusti Rhoades (her real name!!!) secretly plans to win the Kidtastic Writing Contest and tells you all about her life in... Me Against The World.

4. I shot my old man to save my little sis from the drunk bastard. Now they'll probably throw me in juvie. No way I'm letting that happen, not when I can just pack up my pjs and my Gameboy and blend into the cutthroat streets of Bed-Stuy.

5. My parents suck and school sux and I totally wish I had never been born. All my clothes are sooo last year!!!! Like, should I just get a tattoo saying "I'm lame" on my forehead? And my car. My car!!!! It's brown!!! It is like soooo embarrassing. My parents must really hate me buying such a piece of sh*t like that.

6. Jason Poe Jr has accidentally unleashed a curse that turns nature itself against him. It's him against the world... he attacks at midnight.

7. The planet Earth has shrunk down to human size and now it's looking for a fight. It's up to Big Brad Little to give Earth an ass-whupping so severe it'll go back to big and quiet. But can he administer the beating before the oxygen runs out?




Original Version

Dear [Agent Name]

Tony will do anything to protect his little sister Leslie—shooting their father included. When the drunk bastard attempts to choke Leslie to death, that’s just what Tony does. [Luckily Tony's father keeps his loaded gun on a table in the same room where he's choking Leslie, so Tony doesn't have to go get it, which would take way longer than it would take a man to strangle a girl.]

Sirens sound in the distance, which means the police are on their way. If Tony doesn’t do something, the police find two orphan minors and report the incident to Child Protective Services. Tony will most likely end up in a juvenile facility and Leslie in a foster home. But CPS has to find them first. And [no one is better at hide and seek than Tony and Leslie.] CPS be damned. Tony will not let the government split them up.

Hiding out and blending in with others seems to be the only way to avoid separation. The question is where. Unfortunately, there aren’t too many places to go with no money—except the streets. However, running the streets of cutthroat northeast Bed-Stuy is just asking for trouble—trouble they certainly don’t need.

Tony has not one, but two lives to think about. He doesn’t have much time to decide. CPS is coming. And they won’t leave empty-handed. [Actually, it's the cops who are coming, and they're gonna find a bloody corpse and start looking for a shooter, so it'll be a while before CPS is coming. My guess is the kids would be taken to CPS.]

Me Against the World is YA fiction, complete at 78,000 words. [Shouldn't it be Us Against the World? Surely Leslie is going to be useful in the quest for survival.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Best,


Notes

This could be pretty funny if you put it in first person present and tell it like a film noir:

I walk into the kitchen in my pjs hoping my kid sister Leslie hasn't finished off the Froot Loops. And there's the old man, trying to choke Les to death. Lucky I'm packing heat. I pull out my 44 and blast the drunk bastard to kingdom come.

Sirens. Shit, already? Gotta move fast or they'll throw me into juvie for saving Leslie's life, and I'll never see her again. But where can we go? Maybe the brutal, merciless streets of northeast Bed-Stuy? Nah, that's just asking for trouble. But we got no moolah. Wait, I've got my gat. We can rob a Chucky Cheese.


The trouble with my version is the same as the trouble with yours. It could all take place on page one of the book. You need to tell us a story, not just describe the situation the main character is in when the story begins. So instead of just deleting the parts I colored red, condense the setup into one short paragraph, something like:

After Tony shoots his father to stop the drunk bastard from choking Tony's sister Leslie to death, he realizes Child Protective Services will soon swoop in and separate the siblings. No way he's letting that happen, not when he and Les can just blend into the streets. But how long can an eight-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl survive in cutthroat northeast Bed-Stuy?


That leaves room to tell us about the plot: what they plan to do, who stands in their way, what big decision they face, what will happen if they choose badly . . .

Success Story

Carrie Ryan's book The Forest of Hands and Teeth (Book Chat 46) is, at long last, being made into a movie. It'll star, from Game of Thrones,  . . . Well you can read about it here.

Two Short Films for Talk Like a Pirate Day

Face-Lift 1275

Guess the Plot

Mission of Terror

1. It's gonna be scary, but if it means being free once and for all of diapers, Bobby's gonna use the big people's toilet.

2. Sixteen-year-old Faye has a mother who's a spy and a father who's a chemist. Both of them are missing and Faye is the only one who seems to be looking for them. Her clues lead her to Disney World and one ride that may be her last clue: Mission of Terror. But does she have the chops to take on that rollercoaster to find her parents?

3. While fourteen-year-old Bryan trains in outer space for mankind's first interstellar colonization mission, fundamentalist terrorists launch an attack on the flagship in order to gain positive publicity for their anti-genetic engineering agenda. 

4. For Janella, it looks like junior year is going to be another loser -- until the dark new boy summons her to the life she didn't know was hers. It turns out that she's actually a spirit from the Nightmare Realm, where human nightmares are hatched and delivered into people's brains every night. Janella isn't sure she wants to go there. But dang, that boy is cute.

5. Conlynn "Corky" Smith is at a Ugandan Christian mission school for girls when terrorists attack. Can she use her martial arts training, hunting skills, and psychic connection to Jaunty the Leopard to get her and her girls to safety? Also, crazy, drunken chimps.



Original Version


Dear Evil Editor,

Fourteen-year-old Brian thinks nothing could be worse than moving just before starting high school. Then he wakes up in the hospital after a bullying incident. [There's bullying, and then there's assault with intent to kill.] [The first sentence has me thinking he hasn't moved yet. The second sentence has me wondering if the bullying happened before or after he moved (If you change "thinks" to "thought" it might help, assuming the move already happened.). The third and fourth sentences make me wonder if we're in the same book.] He learns his rare Cryosleep genetic modifications, developed for the first interstellar colonization mission, saved him from drowning. He’s stunned to learn that his mother was killed eight years ago in a bombing by fundamentalist terrorists opposed to genmods. [Then he discovers that his father is a cyborg from a planet in the Sombrero Galaxy and his siblings are super villains named Beetlegirl and Creep.] [I'm starting to think the plot about the Nightmare Realm was the real one.] [Wait, he's fourteen, his mother was killed when he was six, and he's stunned to learn this? Or is he just stunned to learn how she died? As in: He’s stunned to learn that his mother's death eight years ago was caused by fundamentalist terrorists opposed to genmods.] [Bad enough that the American infidels don't give us the respect we deserve, now they're genetically modifying themselves so they can sleep hundreds of years in space. We must destroy them all.] [Now that I've read the whole query, I'm wondering if we shouldn't just start with paragraph 2.] 

Brian has always been fascinated by the 300-year-long, 20 light-year mission and he’s happy to join it, although the anti-genmod prejudices the terrorist’s [terrorists'] propaganda has created worries him. When he learns the mission is critically short of pilots for its Dragonfly one-person support spacecraft, he and some new friends work hard to qualify for Dragonfly pilot training. Their teenage adaptability helps them do well, despite attempts of jealous older cadets to discredit them. But the terrorists, angry over the positive publicity surrounding the teenagers, attempt to kidnap and eliminate them [These teenagers are getting too much positive press; we must eliminate them.] – which they barely escape.

Their parents are worried, but the teenagers are more determined than ever, and go into space to finish their training at the starships nearing completion in the Earth-Moon L5 Lagrange point. [Even if that sentence makes sense to you, (changing "at" to "on" would help) I'd cut it off after "training" to accommodate idiots like me.] But while they’re drilling in their Dragonflies, the terrorists launch an attack to destroy the flagship. [These fundamentalist terrorists have spacecraft? Just so they can attack other spacecraft?] Brian and his friends are the only ones in a position to stop it, although the attempt could cost them their lives. But if the flagship and everyone on it are lost, it will be the end of humanity’s first attempt to reach the stars – and all their hard work and sacrifice will have been in vain. [How much hard work and sacrifice are we talking about? Their first semester of high school?]

Mission of Terror is a young adult science fiction novel with series potential, complete at 95,000 words. Its use of human genetic engineering for frozen sleep, and fundamentalist terrorist opposition to genetic engineering, are unique elements that drive much of the stories’ conflict.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

Most of this is setup. If you limit the setup to one paragraph, you'll have more room to tell us what actually happens. A paragraph similar to this:

When fourteen-year-old Brian Smith learns that Earth's first interstellar colonization mission needs Dragonfly pilots, he and some of his friends enlist. Their teenage adaptability helps them excel, and soon they go into space to complete their training with the mission starships. But fundamentalist terrorists, opposed to the genetic modifications needed for Cryosleep, will do anything to sabotage the mission--including launching an attack on the flagship.


I tend to think of terrorists opposed to genetic engineering blowing up Monsanto factories, not starships. They should be happy we're sending our genetically engineered humans off to some other planet where they can't destroy planet Earth.

Our fleet of starships being unable to squash an attack by some tree-hugging environmentalists is like (choose one):

a. The starship Enterprise being vulnerable to the Goodyear blimp

b. The Death Star being vulnerable to a puny X-wing.

Inconceivable.

Evil Editor to Not Appear on Dancing with the Stars...Again

The new Dancing with the Stars Cast has been announced, and once again Evil Editor is not among them. The cast includes four people I've heard of: Chaka Khan and Gary Busey, who are both so old they couldn't do a slow dance without needing to crawl inside an oxygen tent: Paula Dean, who agreed to appear only if they didn't stick her with an African-American partner; and seventeen-year-old Mindi Erwin, whose claim to stardom is that her father was killed by a sting ray about a decade ago.

The other eight cast members I won't bother naming. Trust me, they aren't as famous as Evil Editor. I know this because I've never heard of them and I'm pretty sure everyone's heard of Evil Editor. So what gives? Do they just not want to risk that an editor wins the mirror ball trophy instead of a no-talent celebrity? Not a problem. There's little chance I would even make it to the final four, and if I did, I'd throw the match and let someone who actually needs the publicity win. Screw 'em. If they don't want me, I know someone who will: American Ninja Warrior.

Synopsis 45

The Actaids are the four gods who keep order in the world. The Lord of Life keeps domain over all life on Earth. The King of Corpses dwells over death. [Does "dwell over" mean what you think it means?] The Baroness of Balance keeps order and harmony among the people. The Girl of Gifts gives humans their animal forms by their eighth birthday. [Change their name to The Actaids of Alliteration.] Rae, the half-dog, and his sister Arella, the half-coyote, break every law trying to survive while their father leads the rebellion against the weasel King Nalvero. [Is King Nalvero a weasel or half weasel? (I assume there are full weasels on this world.)] The two cause as much trouble for Nalvero’s soldiers, the Red Guards, as they can.

One day, however, they go too far. [Not clear what that means. What did they do?] The Red Guards trap them in a forest and set it on fire. The pair is rescued by a strange, young girl who resides in the forest. This stranger however, turns out to be more than she appears; she is the only human teenager on earth. [Wait, we're on Earth? And there's only one human teenager?] Rae and Arella plan to use the girl’s unique fighting skills and frightening appearance to help break their father out of jail. [The father is leading the rebellion from jail?] The young girl agrees to go, under the impression they know of someone who can help her obtain her animal form and become normal. Having lived alone in the forest for quite some time, she refuses to even give the pair her name. [I don't see the connection between having lived alone and refusing to give her name.] The group encounters Red Guards, a bounty hunter, curses, and several battles on their journey. Throughout their adventures [Meanwhile], King Nalvero consults with the King of Corpses through black magic and places numerous obstacles to stop the group on their mission. The King’s plans fail as the young girl begins to open up as she slowly bonds with Rae and Arella. [I don't see the connection between the plans failing and the slow bonding,] On the night before their father’s execution, [If Nalvero wanted to stop their mission, he should have moved the execution time up to immediately.] the group finds shelter with a canine tribe. The young girl even reveals her name -Ana. However, she quickly retracts her trust as she learns of Rae and Arella’s plan to use her. [Unfortunately, it's too late to retract the crucial revelation that her name is Ana.] The tribe is then captured by King Nalvero, who pretends to care for Ana as a part of a scheme devised by the King of Corpses. The whole setup turns out to be a trap as Nalvero reveals his malicious plan to kill them all. Just when Rae is about to be executed, [Rae? What about the father? Was he executed?] Ana realizes she does care about them and a great power surges up from deep inside her. [It is the Custodian of Colons.] She levels Nalvero’s army with just a wave of her hand. The trio realizes Ana’s great power and appearance must be a part of a well-known prophecy. They decide to travel together and push forward towards their destinies as a team. [What about the Dogs of Defense? Did they get killed? If so, change it. No one will want to read about dogs or even half-dogs being killed.]


Notes

I don't see the point of starting with the Actaids. First of all, only the King of Corpses gets mentioned as part of the plot, so he's the only one worth mentioning. Secondly, his role in the plot is minor, so even he isn't worth mentioning. And thirdly, the name "King of Corpses" sounds so silly that even if he were worth mentioning, mentioning him would kill your chances of selling the book. In fact, all the Actaids have silly deal-killing names. If they play a big role in the book, give them real names. We don't say God of Thunder, God of the Sky, God of the Sea. We say Thor, Uranus, Aquaman.

I realize that Superman often teams up with Batman, but that's just because he feels sorry for the guy. He doesn't need Batman. Likewise, if Ana can level armies with a wave of her hand, she doesn't need to be part of a trio with Dogbert and Wile E. You've given Ana unlimited power, without showing anything the other two can do beyond annoying the Red Guards.

You could condense this into the brief summary you include within your query letter. Once you get rid of the Actaids and the unnecessary information (e.g. The girl refuses to reveal her name. The girl reveals her name.) it should be about the right length for that. I recommend querying those who want you to include a synopsis only as a last resort. Better to focus your efforts on your book than on a synopsis.

Face-Lift 1274

Guess the Plot

Keeper of the Woods

1. The woods are lovely, dark and deep, but I have promises to keep, so someone else can take over my job as . . . keeper of the woods.

2. In a woodsy world where all the people are half-animals, a half-dog and his half-coyote sister must rescue their father from the half-weasel's soldiers. It seems hopeless until someone who is 100% human arrives and saves the day, thus demonstrating the universal truth that humans are better than animals.

3. Margot asks too many discomfiting questions, so she's expelled from her coven of teen witches-in-training. As she wanders deep in the woods, she meets a hoary old character who has some answers for her. His dark, brooding grandson with pointy ears and a wicked aim with a cross-bow is also kinda cute.

4. Alexis Hightop has had her fill of random men and sloppy sex. Now she's determined to find a worthy substitute in the local sex shop. After months of research, she's got a box full of "toys" and she's ready to share her knowledge with other women.

5. As man continues expanding his domain at the expense of other creatures, soon there is only one who stands between nature and humanity's encroachment: the superhero known as  . . . Keeper of the Woods.

6. Priapica is flushed down the Schwongo. But who killed the curator of the Boner Museum? And what species of testosterone-devouring gnat inspired the murder weapon?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

My name is X. I was born and raised in New Jersey [I am completely objective when reading queries; no need to try to win my sympathy.] and am currently working as a middle school Special Education teacher. I would like to send you my novel, Keeper of the Woods, for your consideration. It is a 56,000 word middle grade fantasy novel. The story takes place in a world where by the age of eight everyone takes on physical characteristics of an animal which mirrors their personality, all except for one person. [Just for my own enlightenment, would someone whose personality mirrors that of an elephant simply become larger than most people, or would he grow a trunk? Or maybe I should ask if he would have an elephant's head on a man's body or a man's head on an elephant's body.] [Also, do animals take on the physical characteristics of people who mirror their personalities? Like you could have one bear that looks like Russell Crowe and another that looks like Stephen Colbert.] [Wait, I have an even better idea. People who take on the physical characteristics of whichever vegetable mirrors their personalities. Boring people would look like iceberg lettuce and sexy people would look like jalapeños. Ideally you would want to look like an ear of corn.]

Rae the half-dog and his sister Arella the half-coyote [She's very coy.] break every law [Is that an exaggeration? Are there laws against murder, rape, kidnapping, child abuse?] trying to survive while their father leads the rebellion against the weasel King Nalvero. [I assume he's the king, and half weasel, rather than the king of the weasels, right?] When word comes that their father has been captured the two quickly devise a plan to get him out [Out of what? Is he in a cage, a prison, a POW camp?] with the help of the strangest creature ever found-a human girl named Ana. Ana rescues the two from Nalvero’s soldiers, [Wait, last I heard "the two" were devising a plan to rescue Dad. Suddenly it's the two who are being rescued?] the Red Guards, [so named because they have taken on the physical characteristics of cardinals,] and joins them under the impression they can make her part animal like the rest of the world. [Making her part animal would be dangerous if her personality is shark-like.] Red Guards, a panther bounty hunter, curses, [a polar bear dentist,] prophecies, and Rae and Ana’s constant arguing [Sounds like Rae should be half cobra and Ana should be half mongoose. Consider making the change.] complicate the journey further. [What journey? Where are they going?] In the end Ana must choose who to trust in order to fulfill a destiny far beyond her choice. [Is it truly her destiny if she has to make the right choice to fulfill it?]

Keeper of the Woods will fit in well with audiences who enjoyed the spirit of friendship in the Percy Jackson series or the unusual world of the popular TV series Avatar: The Last Airbender. The main character will also appeal to those who related to Frozen's Queen Elsa and her fear of being a monster and subsequent isolation. [In addition, those who admire Wile E. Coyote's persistence will identify with Arella, Rae will appeal to fans of Scooby Doo and Mr. Peabody, and the weasel King Nalvero should remind those who enjoyed Lord of the Rings and The Wizard of Oz of those works' villains.] Your website indicates you are seeking projects with animal stories and a multicultural aspect. I believe my series contains these by demonstrating universal truths in unusual circumstances [If we knew more about your plot we might have an idea what universal truths are demonstrated.] and the amusement of animal behavior [Are you saying the book has cat videos? If so, count me on board.] combined with average people. Per your website's instructions I have attached the synopsis below. This is my first novel for submission and it is the first in a series of three books, which have all been written [completed]. If you do become interested my contact information is as follows: cell phone X and e-mail: X [Having an email address that's the same as your phone number could be confusing. Like the phone rings and you answer, but there's no one on the line because it was an email.]

Sincerely,


Notes

It may seem reasonable to devote much of the query to yourself and movies and TV shows instead of your story when you're also attaching a synopsis, but that's only because you have somehow convinced yourself that the recipient will read the synopsis. Once the recipient reads the query there are three possibilities:

1. This plot doesn't appeal to me, so I'm sure as hell not gonna plod through the synopsis.

2. This plot sounds exciting, original and brilliant, but I'd better plod through the synopsis to make sure it doesn't turn into another Harry Potter ripoff.

3. I'm on the fence with this plot; should I plod through the synopsis or . . . Hmm, that next query on the pile has an intriguing font.

As you can see, the best you can hope for is #2. So you need to tell us a good story that will leave us reluctantly resigned to having to plod through your synopsis.

Is their main goal to rescue Dad? To overthrow the weasel king? To complete their journey to wherever? To turn Ana into an animal? What happens if they fail? 

Why are weasels always the bad guy? Just once I'd like to see a book where weasels are enslaved by evil kittens.

Face-Lift 1273

Guess the Plot

Valor

1. For years Johnny Maxwell has dined out on the stories he tells of his time in Afghanistan: thrilling tank battles, narrow escapes, firefights . . . But when his girlfriend Lorna digs into his records, she learns the shocking truth: Instead of a front-line hero, Johnny worked the laundry detail in Alabama. Should she confront him with the truth, and break their son's heart, or stay quiet while Johnny sorts the socks from the panties?

2. One night, 16-year-old Elrican gives shelter to Harlequin, another 16-year-old of noble bearing, in the humble iron forge where Elrican works. Elrican forgets to put the grate over the fire and Harlequin falls into the fire pit in his sleep. The next morning when soldiers show up looking for their prince to lead them into battle against the Dragon-Trolls, Ellrican assumes Harlequin's identity. Thus begins his unsought life of valor.

3. While traveling to a video game tournament, the five members of Team Valor are struck by a lightning bolt that gives them radiation poisoning but also gives each of them the magical powers of the character they play in the video game. Sara uses her healing power to heal them all. Then they head for Iraq where they use their powers to rescue a battalion of Marines from terrorists.



Original Version

Valor Book One is 77,559 words. It's a fantasy story about five teenagers that receive the magic of their video game characters and what they decide to do with it. [Change the first sentence to Valor is a 78,000-word YA fantasy, and put it toward the end of the query. Dump the second sentence, which tells us nothing that isn't restated in the next few paragraphs.]

Charlie Hayes, Sara the girl of his dreams, and three [four] of his best friends are traveling to Japan to participate in a video game tournament. Lightning blows through the window Sara is sitting next to [Sara's window] and travels through her hitting [hits] all of them. Team Valor is knocked unconscious and the plane makes an emergency landing.

At first they seem to make a full recovery and go on to play [brilliantly in] the tournament where they play brilliantly despite becoming increasing ill. By the end of the tournament they are so sick they require hospitalization. The doctors determine it's radiation poisoning and they [They? The doctors?] are put in isolation and treated[comma] as investigators try to find out where they were exposed.

Charlie's heard the doctors talking while they thought he was unconscious and knows they [They?] are all dying. In a feverish delirium he tries to intercept the healer using the same spells as his video game character. He finds himself by Sara's bedside where he realizes what he just did and begs her to pray for them all.

She does. At first using traditional prayers and then at Charlie's urging her video game character[apostrophe]s prayers. She is able to heal them all. They realize they all can do the magic that their characters had [have acquired their characters' magical abilities]. They tell no one[comma] hoping to return home and explore their new abilities before others find out. [Those four paragraphs are the setup. In video game terms, the setup is the part where you slip the Final Fantasy XXVII disk into your Xbox and read a bunch of crap before you take control and start battling creatures. If you're writing a synopsis, you can spend four paragraphs setting up the situation. In a query letter you should condense the setup into one paragraph of three or four sentences.]

Unfortunately, Charlie's brother Rick and his entire Marine battalion go MIA in Iraq. [A battalion is 300 to 1200 marines. That's a lot of people to go MIA.] They [They? The battalion?] decide they will use their new abilities to sneak into Iraq and try to rescue him. They also decide to tell Charlie's mother[comma] who helps them reluctantly. [We don't need to know about Charlie's mother.]

They sneak on and off both ally and enemy bases searching for Rick. [If Rick is MIA, what makes them think he might be on an allied base?] Charlie knows hiding on Incrilik airbase in Turkey is no place to declare his undying love for Sara, but when he realizes she isn't as aloof as she seems he can't stop himself.

When they finally find Rick they have to fight the terrorists that have him to escape. Their secret is now out[comma] their abilities known.

At one time in my life I was an avid video gamer and a member of serious raiding guild. [You seem to think whoever reads this will surely know what you mean by "a member of serious raiding guild." Think again.] A common theme in guild chat was what would you do if you could cast the spells your character could. With over ten million people playing of all ages the answers always amazed me. [You kids think you're so special. Don't you know your parents and grandparents used to fantasize about what they'd do if they had the powers of characters in the Fantastic Four or the Justice League or the X-Men? Ancestors you never met fantasized about being the Invisible Man or Merlin or Hercules.] [When I was young I fantasized about being Superman. When I got older I fantasized about having sex with Wonder Woman. Nowadays I fantasize about having a good bowel movement.] I hope you enjoy reading Valor as much as I enjoyed writing it. [Fascinating that you were amazed by the answers of ten million other people, but what we really want to know is what were your answers?] [I was joking! We don't care about your answers or anything in that paragraph. Get rid of it. It's killing you.]

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

The writing isn't polished. Possibly it's a rough draft, and you can whip it into shape. You use a lot of words to say what would be clearer in half as many.

You need a paragraph in which you tell us a video game team acquires the powers of their characters. and two paragraphs in which you tell us the story of the rescue, by which I mean what's their plan, how do their powers come into play, what goes wrong, etc.

Then wrap it up with the title, word count, genre. 

Also, some editing of the actual book may be in order. I have a feeling you can get this down to 65,000 words without losing any of the plot. 

Face-Lift 1272

Guess the Plot

Bending Livi

1. Sheena thought Latin was stupid. Then Bella brought that funny-looking scroll to class. Now they have Livi as Latin teacher, and Sheena can't wait for 6th period.

2. When cat burglar Livi is given court-ordered community service in a retirement home, she feels like a fox ordered to work in a hen house. Will the retirees win her over and help her straighten out her life, or will she rob them blind? Also, Russian acrobats.

3. Livi's strict kosher parents promise to stop ragging her about her taste for Daisy Dukes and halter tops and purple hair and McRib's if she spends a summer at the kibbutz. She agrees (anything to get out of the house) and packs off for a camp somewhere outside Tel Aviv. Then the vampires show up.

4. Olivia is a headstrong businesswoman with no family ties to slow her down. Matt is a soft-hearted midwesterner who just made partner in his law firm. But when Olivia is accused of murder and needs Matt to save her, he's got his hand full trying to make her likable to the jury. If only she'd bend just a little and stop wearing that "I kicked Satan's ass" t-shirt.


Original Version

Seeing as how you represent mainstream fiction, I submit to you Bending Livi, It is a Southern woman’s tale mixed with humor and personal grit about becoming someone better. [Not the best opening to a business letter. "seeing as how" is too informal. Just say "Because." Or mention where you learned this information. Also, the first sentence needs a period at the end, not a comma. The second sentence is vague. We don't know what you mean by "personal grit" or "becoming someone better." It's information you can show with specificity in your plot summary. I recommend dumping the whole first paragraph.]

Who is Livi? A loving caretaker? Or a thief who preys on the city? [You can save some more space by starting with the answers instead of the questions.] Livi is a stubborn young woman who finds herself on the wrong side of the law, a cat burglar with extraordinary athletic skills. [Saying that a cat burglar "finds herself" on the wrong side of the law is like saying a chef "finds herself" in a kitchen. It's not an accident.] At the risk of losing her brother to the court, she is required to do service [to serve] in an [a] retirement community home, in Biloxi, Mississippi, in the late 90s. [Punishing a thief by making her work in a retirement community is like throwing Br'er Rabbit into the briar patch.] [Also, when the courts start ordering thieves into my retirement home, I start looking for a new retirement home.] Her boyfriend, E.J., is a negative force, drawing Livi deeper into a life of crime. Detective Woodard, whose father is at the home, believes that she’s more than just a caretaker. His logic says she’s one thing, his police intuition casting doubts on Livi, [Is it a secret from the police that she's there because of court-ordered community service?] but his heart says something else as he sees the care she gives his father. Will Sergeant Major, a family of Russian acrobats, a retired entertainer, and a broken-down boxer, the Groundskeeper, [No reason to capitalize "groundskeeper" . . .  unless it's the broken-down boxer's stage name. Which would make more sense if he were a professional wrestler. I wouldn't mind seeing a match between The Undertaker and The Groundskeeper.] [Also, isn't sergeant major a fish?] help Livi change her life? [Actually, I'm more likely to buy that she turns her life around because of a fish than by joining a Russian acrobatic troupe. Have her steal an aquarium from one of the retiree's, and then learn life lessons from watching the sergeant major deal with a broken filter and a pesky Siamese fighting fish.] The duality of emotions and morals is the conflict that Livi has to navigate.


Notes

You're not telling us your story. You're telling us the main character's situation and listing your other characters. Basically, this is the setup: When cat burglar Livi is caught in the act, she's given a choice:
perform community service in a retirement home or lose custody the little brother she's raised since their parents died. She makes the obvious decision, but Detective Woodard, whose father lives at the home, is wary . . . until he witnesses the loving care Livi gives his dad.

Now you have plenty of room for a paragraph in which you show us what happens when horrible E.J. enters the scene and how Livi deals with him, and what goes wrong. Then a paragraph in which you show us Livi at the crossroads and tell us what will happen if she takes the left fork or the right.

I don't think Tiffany's would put up with courts ordering convicted jewel thieves to work in their stores. I suppose there's an explanation of why the owner of this retirement home is okay with a convicted thief working there? Seems like a bad business decision.

Face-Lift 1271

Guess the Plot

Black Lick Creek and the City of Broken People

1. Sixteen-year-old Jenna James is leading a pack of teenagers hell-bent on getting out of their small town. There's only one problem. They can't get across the raging river ridiculously called Black Lick Creek. Then Jenna hatches a plan. They can break off branches from the trees and make a bridge. Only she doesn't realize those trees are magical people, and they don't take kindly to meddling kids breaking them. Bedlam ensues. Oh, and a praying mantis.

2. The Tarrant trio (father, son, and blonde, teenaged grandson) are taking a trip across country when they make a wrong turn off the I-10. They find themselves in a city that's populated with folks suffering from various mysterious, crippling symptoms. Then they discover that somehow they can't go back the way they came in and the town is NOT ON THE MAP -- but a cave with a water formation named Black Lick Creek is, and it seems to be the only way out of the town.

3. Undead backpackers converge on Hell Central to discover angels have split EVIL in two. Fiends line up along the creek, zombies team up in the City, every nightmare soul eager to battle to the death — or kiss and make up.

4. Carla, Dean and Lyle love to frolic down by Black Lick Creek, but when they aren't doing that they're a vigilante team of abused 10-year-olds out for revenge on their abusers and any abusers who would break the spirits of children.

5. The city of Black Lick Creek holds a writers convention. Unknown to the city fathers, Black Lick is also scheduled for the Semi-Millennium Demons' Convocation. Writers flock to the venue but due to a NYC snowstorm, few agents or editors are able to attend. The writers mistakenly sit in on Satan's black mass. Afterward, over drinks at the hotel bar, the writers decide it must have been Evil Editor's symposium.

6. ehosephat "Black Lick" Creek has been riding the wild canyonlands of the west for years, never staying in one place. In a side canyon of the Snake river, he runs into a town of...well, people, he guesses, even though so many are crippled and twisted it's a bit hard to tell. Can he help them secure their town from the raging flash floods? And will he be able to do so without having to marry all seven of the ugly, one-eyed Olsen sisters?


Original Version

Title - “Black Lick Creek and the City of Broken People”

Manuscript completed - about 96k words - dark YA fiction with dreams and a psychic [Most people care as much about fictional characters' dreams as they do about real peoples' dreams.] 

I am an attorney with a background as an assistant prosecutor in juvenile court. In an earlier career I was a clinical psychologist. I have drawn on experiences in both careers to formulate my storyline [in which the main character ditches a promising and lucrative career as a clinical psychologist for a low-paying, dead-end career dealing with drug-dealing, crack-smoking punks]. Thank you for your consideration

Overview: [No need to label each section of a business letter.]

Suppose an abused child fights back. [Good for her.] Suppose three of them, each 10 years old, form an unbreakable pact to protect each other from the depredations heaped on them by the adults who should have loved, nurtured and kept them safe. [Yes. I like it. What are their super powers?] They are more than close friends. Their lives meld into one entity and one purpose - to love, protect and succor one another through all adversities. [Screw love and succor. If you want this to become a blockbuster movie they have to form a vigilante team, kill their own abusers, and then go after all abusers.] Carla, the ostensible leader of the threesome, began her life in a home of privilege but was suddenly placed in the care of a selfish aunt and predatory uncle. Dean was forced to murder his psychotic mother [Now that's what I'm talking about.] to keep her from murdering him. Lyle, a skinny, introverted genius, harbored an obsession for revenge against his two half-sisters twins for their false accusation of sexual abuse by his father leading to his death. [Lyle doesn't seem to belong. You said there were three abused children, but Lyle wasn't abused, and apparently his sisters weren't either, and Lyle didn't have depredations heaped on him by adults (or are the twin sisters adults?)] Seeing and experiencing life in a way that at times resembles combat, only two of them survive. [Yes but how many baddies did they take out before one of them succumbed?] 


First three sentences:

Chapter 1
God how they played! All three of them, ten years old, ran as hard as they could through the field, jumped the ditch, vaulted the fence and scooted down the loose rock bank to the creek. Elmer Gantry was drunk. [Yes he was, often. But what's he got to do with your book? Is Elmer Gantry preaching down by the creek? Is he one of your characters? If only you had provided four sentences.]



Notes

Three sentences? Anyone who wants a sample included with the letter will want at least three pages, possibly three chapters. Check their submission guidelines.

I'm sure both of your previous careers required you to write business letters at times, and they probably didn't begin:

Salutation:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence,

Body:

I regret to inform you that your son Barry is a sociopathic delinquent.

Closing:

Sincerely yours,

This is the first example of your writing the reader will see, so use sentences and paragraphs.

This is just a list of your characters and their backstories. What led to their forming a pact is interesting, but your story is what happens after that. You need to tell us that story, providing specific information about the trio's goals, obstacles, plans, setbacks, dilemmas. Summarize the story in about ten sentences that connect logically to the each other.

I'd put the part about your careers at the end rather than the beginning.

Face-Lift 1270

Guess the Plot

Naturae

1. Only teenager Skye Briar can put an end to humans' destruction of Earth, for she is the daughter of the one and only Mother Nature. But those who profit from the devastation of nature will stop at nothing to destroy Skye. Plus she has a hunky boyfriend. We're doomed.

2. Before Mother Nature was a mother she was a dyslexic teen tormented by the other sprites -especially Jack Frost. When he writes her name wrong in the ice is he mocking her, or has she finally thawed his frozen heart? 

3. Clem has a pet Nutria named NATURAE, who needs a heart transplant. The vet wants payment in full before the operation and Clem sets off on a wild crime spree. He robs a health food store in Memphis and a laundromat in Murfreesboro. Can Clem come up with the money in time?

4. Alexia Brentwood is not about to grow old gracefully. Her seventy-five-year-old skin is as taut as a teenager's and her long brown hair as silky as a child's. But her secret to youth comes at a price. Every full moon she must find another dose of the magic elixir Naturae or she'll wind up looking like Keith Richards in a dress.

5. When attorney Sophie Bennet loses another high-profile case, she's forced to enter the Naturae Naturopathic Clinic or lose her job. She's supposed to get techniques on stress relief and a good night's sleep. But when she meets hunky Zach, the towel guy at the spa, she has her own ideas of "stress relief." Then Zach turns up dead in the mud bath and Sophie gets a blackmail note in her robe. Now Sophie needs more than just Naturae to help her sleep. She needs an Uzi.

6. Smaller than elves, tinier than fairies, the Naturae live close to the ground where their magic helps trees take root and flowers grow. Unfortunately, being so little and close to the ground makes them vulnerable to bustling beetles, curious cats, and weed-whackers.

7. Steve Hodgson persuades the new World Government to put his newly-invented AI in charge. After all, "Naturae," as it is called, is perfectly rational and omniscient and would be the best decision maker. The trouble is, Steve programmed it to be a bit too "natural," and it soon becomes red in tooth and claw and the world is once again on the brink of destruction. Now Steve has to deprogram the thing, with the assistance of the feisty, red-headed female journalist who was predicting this all along.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Abandoned for unknown reasons by her mother as an infant, Skye Bryar grows up in the small town of Deep Cove, a uniquely beautiful girl with secret abilities that even she does not understand. It is not until she meets Holt, a mysteriously quiet and undeniably handsome out-of-towner, that she is led to the truth about her past, and finally learns who- and what- she really is.

When Holt rescues Skye from a strange encounter with some very dangerous men, he whisks her away to a world that she never knew about, but one where she truly belongs. This is the island of the NATURAE, where those who can control the pure elements- earth, air, fire or water- reside. They are ruled over by none other than Mother Nature, the Queen of the Earth. Skye is shocked to learn that this woman is in fact her own birth mother- making Skye the Elemental Princess, the only individual on earth who holds the power of [over] all four elements within. [Mother Nature doesn't hold this power?]

It is on this island that Skye discovers she is the key to something much greater than she could have ever imagined. Mother Nature brought Skye [her] into the world with a prophecy that her child by blood would be the only one who could [to] put an end to the humans destruction of the earth. But an elite group of people known as the Avarice, [If that's an  acronym standing for Association of Vile And Rapacious Individuals Consuming Earth, you don't need "the" in front of it, and AVARICE should be all caps.] who profit from the devastation of nature, have been searching for Skye since the day of her birth, and they will stop at nothing to prevent her from changing their ways. ["Changing their ways" doesn't sound so threatening. 

We must stop this child now, before she manages to change our ways. 

Come out with your hands up and we'll give you a chance to change your ways.

You'll never take me alive, copper. I'm too set in my ways to change them now.]

As Skye embarks on the journey to harness her powers, [What are her powers, exactly? For instance, can she turn into fire like the human torch and swim with the fishes like Aquaman? Are these powers useful in preventing ocean pollution and rainforest destruction?] she develops new friendships with those around her, and a deep connection to the earth and its elements. And a [blossoming] romance with Holt blossoms, she begins to question everything she thought she knew about the world she left behind. [Everything? There's not a single thing she doesn't question?]

But will Skye be willing to help Mother Nature, and the earth, even if it means betraying the humans she loves? [Does she love the humans who are causing the devastation of nature? How can protecting the planet from AVARICE be called betraying humans?] Or will the Avarice get to her before she even has a chance to choose sides?

NATURAE is a YA paranormal romance novel. The novel has a unique focus on the current and important issue of how humans are impacting the environment, intertwined with extraordinary magic, a heart wrenching love triangle, [Who's the third side of this triangle?] unwavering friendships and betrayal. This is intended to be the first in a 3 or 4 part series. [Does it have a satisfying ending or are we left hanging, waiting for the next installment? Are you querying the whole series or just this book? ]

NATURAE is my first novel, inspired by my travels and experiences around the world. With a bad case of wanderlust and a love for animals, I have lived in many countries including Australia, Canada, Dominican Republic and Mexico, and have worked with animals including dolphins, sea lions, horses, penguins and sharks [, the latter of which explains my two missing limbs]. My intimate connection with nature world-wide has only further highlighted the many issues our earth faces and I hope this novel will inspire the younger generation to make a difference. [If we want our planet to be respected, we can start by capitalizing its name, as we do every other planet and every ocean, country, city, mountain, etc.]

Thank you for your consideration of this query. At your request, I would be happy to send along part of the story, which is complete at 50,000 words.


Notes

It's a bit long. I've pointed out some phrases that you can afford to lose. You can also shorten the paragraph about you to something like: My experiences working with animals and nature around the world have touched on many issues our planet faces, and I hope this novel with inspire young people to make a difference.

Not sure how hot the love interest gets, but I tend to think a book in which a girl gets whisked off to an island where Mother Nature lives would be more appealing to a younger audience than YA.

I'd like to know more about what happens in the book. This is mostly the situation. What does Skye actually do? And perhaps more about the betrayal and the love triangle would reveal aspects of the story we're not getting.

Face-Lift 1269

Guess the Plot

Antonov's Diamonds

1. Ruthless Russian Colonel Antonov makes off with a fortune in gems from a diamond mine in the Ural Mountains. It's a case too tough for the FBI, so they call in pawnbroker Flynn Christopher to help them devise a plan. Also, a pair of nitwits.

2. Sixteen-year-old Cam has seen a lot as the daughter of an unorthodox archeologist. To keep him out of trouble, she travels with him on his latest quest to find Antonov's Diamonds. Cam is concerned this will turn out like the times when he went searching for those damned yellow moons, pink hearts, orange stars, and green clovers.

3. Joe Singleton is struggling mightily to start his own jewelry shop in St. Louis. His fast-talking brother-in-law points out that every other successful jeweler has an exotic foreign name. Joe googles "Russian boy names" -- and he doesn't even need to search beyond the A's for a new business name. The trouble is, "Antonov's Diamonds" is also the code term for a super-secret remotely-guided nano-weapon that the CIA has been tracking, and Joe is sucked into a world of international intrigue.

4. When four-time World Chess Champion Vladimir Antonov is involved in a fatal car accident, he doesn't think twice about challenging Death to a game with eternal consequences. He couldn't have known that Death would pick bridge instead of chess and partner up with Satan, or that his own partner--a 206-year-old babushka--would promise to make his death a living hell if his incompetence ruins her winning streak.


Original Version


Dear Evil Editor,

For your consideration:

Pawnbroker Flynn Christopher is enlisted by the FBI to help ensnare the cold blooded and ruthless Russian Colonel Alexei Antonov and recover untold millions in stolen diamonds. [On the off chance that the cold blooded and ruthless Russian Colonel Alexei Antonov comes in here to pawn millions in diamonds, we need you to stall him until we get here, okay?]

Flynn's pawnshops are entertaining, you never know what's coming through the door. Stun guns, diamonds, sharks teeth or a pair of nitwits. Hey, it's a job... [Usually it's after describing a crappy job that you make the comment Hey, it's a job. Not after describing a job as wildly entertaining as Flynn's.] 

Flynn meets a mysterious FBI agent while playing golf who asks his help in recovering a diamond once owned by Peter the Great. [Were they playing golf with each other, or was the FBI agent waiting on the 5th tee when Flynn got there?] [Also, you might want to mention why the FBI wants Flynn's help. Was Flynn chosen at random or because he's a pawnbroker or for a reason you're ill-advisedly keeping from us?] Mayhem ensues at Baltimore's Inner Harbor when Flynn comes face to face with the thief. [And? Does he get the diamond?] Meanwhile the FBI is running a sting on Colonel Antonov in Philadelphia that ends with two dead[.] Antonov returns home to his store, Satchels and Sandals, a mecca for ladies shoes and handbags, [You pretty much have to be cold-blooded and ruthless if you're a ladies shoe salesman.] but their [there] is an evil secret in the backroom. Once again the irreverent Flynn is recruited, [Is there no case the FBI can solve without the aid of Flynn the Pawnbroker?] [Also, when did Flynn become "the irreverent Flynn"?] this time it’s more deadly. [This time he must try to get Mrs. van Pilson's size nine feet into a pair of size eight pumps.] Antonov orchestrates the takeover of a secret diamond mine [Secret from whom?] deep in the Ural mountains of Russia. [He orchestrates this from Philadelphia?] He makes off with incredible wealth and the death toll rises. Back in Baltimore, Flynn and the FBI devise a plan to outwit the maniacal Antonov [The FBI agents need a Pawnbroker to help them devise a plan to outwit a maniac?] and recover the diamonds before the unsuspecting Flynn becomes [one] of Antonov's victims.

I managed jewelry stores in the Baltimore Washington area for twenty years before becoming a pawnbroker, owning and operating my own stores for fifteen years. [So this is autobiographical. How much will you give me for my VHS player?] I am a jewelry expert, a certified diamontologist, gemologist and appraiser. [If Flynn is a diamond expert and the FBI needs his expertise to outwit Antonov, say so. I would expect the FBI, if they don't have their own expert, to seek one at a jewelry store rather than a pawn shop (or golf course).]

ANTONOV'S DIAMONDS is a thriller of 95,000 words.

Evil Editor, thank you for your consideration and time, I can be reached at ____________.

Warmest regards,


Notes

Not clear why the FBI is involved in recovering diamonds taken from a mine in the Ural Mountains. Or what Flynn brings to the table. Or why Flynn is approached on a golf course. Actually, this is so all-over-the-place that nothing's clear. Maybe you should focus the query on one case, either recovering Antonov's diamonds or Peter the Great's.

No need to waste space with a one-sentence summary of what we're about to read.

Start with a brief setup of Flynn's situation: You never know what's going to come through the door of Flynn Christopher's pawn shop. Stun guns, shark's teeth, banjos . . . But even Flynn is surprised when a pair of nitwits try to pawn a diamond that once belonged to Peter the Great.

Then tell us what happens: Turns out the diamond is the real thing, and the FBI is using it in a sting operation against Ruthless Russian Colonel Alevei Antonov. They want Flynn to take the stolen diamond in hopes that Antonov will be lured into the pawn shop. Antonov has his sights set on bigger game--a fortune in newly mined diamonds--but he can't resist a diamond that's part of his homeland's history.

Then finish with Flynn's decision, the one that determines whether he wins or loses. I'm not sure what he wins or loses, maybe a job as an FBI consultant or the reward money for recovering the diamond.


Focus on Flynn, what he wants, what's keeping him from getting it, how he plans to overcome this, what happens if he screws up.

 Also, I recommend using the details of my plot summary rather than yours.