Face-Lift 1261

Guess the Plot

Walls of Sakaret

1. Alsed's home city of Sakaret has been walled off from the rest of the world for thousands of years. Then a mysterious woman shows up and asks Al to help save her people from a psychotic demigod bent on destroying the entire world. And he agrees!

2. Tom is diabetic, going deaf, and getting a little crazy. When he hears the doll house his wife bought for their daughter has walls of Sakaret, he thought she said saccharine and he dives in. Well, at least it had fiber.

3. Every year the Fae people build a wall made of sakaret, their famous cheese made from deer milk. And every year, they join with the dwarves in a battle to see who can eat it first. It's all fun and games, until some local teenagers show up, demanding paternity tests.

4. What lies beyond the ancient walls surrounding the city-fort of Sakaret? No one knows. It is the Sakaret City secret. With plague ravaging Sakaret's citizens, one rogue warrior is determined to find the legendary tunnels beneath the Walls and lead his family to safety. What he finds is conspiracy and corruption. And . . . parakeets.

5. Judy Beckwith is the best interior decorator in town. Just ask the mob. When they hired her to get rid of Johnny Sakaret's body, she stuffed him in the kitchen wall and found the perfect daisy wallpaper to cover it up.

6. Joe Wolf has had enough from those three pigs he works for. Sure, his emphysema is acting up, but when they take credit for building that new high rise out of his experimental Sakaret material, he's gonna blow them away.


Original Version

Dear Agent,

Walls of Sakaret is a story of the creation and corruption of a world ruled by the seven children of Adeloste, the Eternal King. These demigods, called Ferloren, [You've lost me already.] are ageless and powerful and like the humans they created, they are deeply flawed. A great war that consumes both men and Ferloren alike comes to a fiery and bloody end when the Eternal King sacrifices himself while sealing off the city of Sakaret with a powerful and mysterious enchantment. ["Eternal" doesn't seem like the best adjective for a king who's dead in your first paragraph.]

The world outside has been silent for more than two thousand years. [You've spent 40% of your query talking about stuff that happened 2000 years before your story begins? That's like the query for The da Vinci Code starting with a lengthy paragraph about the life of Mary Magdalene.]

Alsed led a sheltered life completely isolated behind the walls of Sakaret [This is like the TV show Under the Dome. Except with demigods.] until a mysterious woman appeared from a world long thought dead. [What world? The world outside the walls?] Now the manipulations of an unseen hand force Alsed into a desperate fight for survival against man and monster alike while he seeks to help the enigmatic woman save her people. [Who and where are her people, and what makes anyone think Alsed can save them?] What he believed was ancient myth comes roaring to life as Alsed is thrust from the safety of his homeland into a world, [No need for that comma.] rich with a history of war and betrayal, and [Get rid of either the comma or the "and."] teetering on the brink of destruction. [You're stringing together a bunch of phrases that would probably sound good in a movie trailer, but are pretty vague when we don't have any pictures to look at.]

Ill equipped, outmatched, and assaulted at every turn, Alsed and his friends must discover the means to oppose [take on] a psychotic demigod who has held a festering grudge for two millennia, coming forth from exile to set in motion a complex game with one singular ambition: burn the world. [No demigod with the means to burn the world is going to be stopped by a few people who've spent two thousand years trying and failing to figure out how to get out from behind a wall.]

Walls of Sakaret, an 87,000 word epic fantasy novel that is the first of a trilogy titled Legacy of Sakaret. [The second book is tentatively titled Ceilings of Sakaret, to be followed by Sakaret 3: Bribing the Inspectors.] I welcome your feedback and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Warmest Regards,


Notes

Too many adjectives. The Ferloren are ageless and powerful and flawed, the enchantment is powerful and mysterious, the woman is mysterious and enigmatic . . . No need to tell us a two-millennia-old grudge is festering or that a myth is ancient or that a war is great and bloody.

Let's get to the main character ASAP, not in paragraph 3: 

Alsed has led a sheltered life in the city of Sakaret, which was sealed off from the outside by enchantment 2000 years ago. He and his fellow Secretions know nothing of the lands beyond their walls--until a woman appears asking for help saving her people from a psychotic demigod. The woman leads Alsed and his friends out of Sakaret and into a world teetering on the brink of destruction.

That leaves plenty of room to tell us how these people plan to take down a demigod with the means to burn the world, what obstacles they encounter besides the fact that they're weaponless farmers fighting an ageless, powerful demigod, and what will happen if they ultimately fail.

Man of Many Centuries

Admiral Komack, Admiral Westerviliet

Those who are more into science fiction than whodunits may have recognized Byron Morrow, the judge at the top of the gallery below, as the actor who played two different admirals on the original Star Trek series.

The Judges of Perry Mason

After painstaking hours of research, I've created a gallery of the 11 actors who appeared most often as judges on the Perry Mason TV show, which ran from 1957 to 1966. I've been watching the show on a local classic TV channel, and decided the judges deserved more credit than they got in their day. There were several other judges on the show, but these are the 11 with the most appearances.

11

Byron Morrow, 7 Episodes



10

Frank Wilcox, 8 Episodes


9

Nelson Leigh, 9 Episodes



8

Charles Irving, 11 Episodes

7

Richard Gaines, 14 Episodes

6

Grandon Rhodes, 16 Episodes

5

John Gallaudet, 20 Episodes


4

Morris Ankrum, 22 Episodes

3

Willis Bouchet, 23 Episodes

2

Kenneth R.MacDonald, 32 Episodes


1

S. John Launer, 33 Episodes


Special Recognition

Lillian Bronson, 3 episodes
(Only female judge)

Daniel Elam, 2 episodes
(One of two Black judges)

Vincent Townsend, Jr., 1 episode
(One of two Black judges)

Face-Lift 1260

Guess the Plot

When You Wish

1. ...upon a star, your dreams come true. But if you wish for the death of the emperor, is the star obligated to grant your wish? It's the philosophical quandary at the heart of this book.

2. Bing Crosby has been gone awhile, but when fifteen-year-old Allie listens to his old vinyl records, he comes to life in her room. And for a few romps in the hay, he's willing to do what she wants—like murder that nosey bitch at school. After all, ghosts can't get the death penalty. 

3. It's the year 2062 and genies are a dime a dozen. Alan Blakeman needs a get out of jail free card so he can bust the nuts of the man who put him there. But when Alan happens upon the genie.com website, he may be in over his head.

4. If wishes were fishes, twelve-year-old Lilly would have a whole lot of smelly on her hands. Sure, she can wish for more wishes, but since her wish-granting genie is twelve-year-old boy with a fart-joke sense of humor, she never knows what she'll actually get.

5. Jack is pretty sure the make-a-wish-and-blow-out-the-candles-on-your-cake deal is a scam just like Santa and the tooth fairy--until he looks around and sees that his parents and friends have all turned into dogs. Now he's glad he didn't wish for a new tricycle.



Original Version

Dear [Agent],

I am seeking consideration for my YA fantasy novel, When You Wish.  [If you ask an agent to consider your novel when she wishes, you may have a long wait.] At 100,000 words the story takes the reader on a multi-point-of-view fantasy adventure. [Easy enough to cram this info into one sentence: I am seeking representation for When You Wish, a 100,000-word YA fantasy adventure.] [Also, as you have a paragraph describing the book toward the end of the query, it's a waste of valuable space to put this up front. Start with the next paragraph.]

Stars are born to grant wishes, never to question their duty. [Tell that to Penelope Cruz. She refuses to do anything I ask of her.] [I would change "never to question their duty" to "without argument."] This is the truth that fallen-star-turned-human-girl Pisces has long since come to terms with. [If you're gonna name her Pisces, I think instead of a human girl she should be a mermaid. Wait, make her Aquawoman!] When her first wish lands her with the task of [charges her with] ending a war, she approaches her mission with a healthy measure of pragmatism. ["Her first wish" sounds like she's doing the wishing rather than the granting. Something like "When the first wish she's a charged with granting is stopping a war... might be more clear.] [Now that she's a human girl rather than a star, how can she grant wishes? Does she have magical super powers, or does she just have to stop the war with her wiles and her charm? This is why she should be Aquawoman.]

General Brise would like her to remove the evil emperor standing in the way of his king's unchallenged reign. [It sounds like his reign is challenged--by the evil emperor.] As the man who wished on her star, he has every right to demand she knock off whatever warlord he please [pleases]. Nevermind [Never mind] that Brise treats her like a slave and doesn't consider ruthless invasions to be off the table. To secure his self-righteous king's rule, no means are too far [any means are justified].

Emperor Aisel Fei Shiang has no right to ask anything of Pisces, save a quick demise. That doesn't stop him from trying to steal a kiss from his would-be assassin. Bent on avenging the death of his father and keeping a firm hold on the imperial throne, Aisel isn't about to go down without a fight. [Is stealing a kiss supposed to be an example of how he's not going down without a fight?] [Is Brise asking her to knock off a warlord or the emperor? If the latter, I would change "whatever warlord" in the previous paragraph to "anyone" or "whomever."]

Although Aisel hasn’t been shy in declaring his intentions to become a first rate villain, Pisces isn’t sure that a fight is what she wants. [When you're already being described as an evil emperor, you don't go around bragging that you aspire to become a first-rate villain. You put to death anyone who dares refer to you as a second-rate villain.] Despite their obvious differences of opinion, Aisel and his minions come to befriend her. [These differing opinions . . . are you talking about their opinions on whether she should assassinate him?] [If Pisces has any freedom of choice at all, she's not gonna go back to the place where she's treated like a slave, whether Aisel befriends her or not.]

Awkward.

Especially when her wish depends on knocking off the vegetarian villain.

Especially when said villain decides to get a couples tattoo without asking her. [Is it a tattoo of the Pisces symbol? Because I don't think a vegetarian would want a picture of a fish on him. I suppose she could have the fish tattoo and he could have the chips tattoo.]

And most especially when her own people may be the greater evil. [Those people don't know her from Adam. Suddenly they're her people?]

Now Pisces must choose between granting her [Brise's?] wish and betraying the kingdom she’s sworn service to. Happy endings just got a whole lot more complicated. [All she's sworn to do is remove Aisel. Has she also sworn service to Brise's kingdom evermore?]

When You Wish is set in a high fantasy world complete with political intrigue, fierce battles, and magical mishaps. Although it is a self-contained novel, I have written and completed two sequel books which ultimately conclude the saga. My novel is similar in spirit to Megan Whalen Turner's The Thief quartet, with a Mongolian/Chinese influence along the lines of Romance of the Three Kingdoms.

I live in Bozeman, MT, where I work as a writer for an environmental consulting firm. I have been published through Montana State University’s journals, Confluence (2009) and Read This (2010). I served as president of the university’s creative writing club and vice-president of the English club. In addition, I co-authored a North American wildlife field guide, published through the USDA Extension Branch. From 2011-2012, I worked as a freelance writer for Keystone Conservation under [Editor]. I continue to be involved in a speculative fiction writing/critique group.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

I'm not clear on the political situation. There's a kingdom and an empire? Separate from each other? Are they enemies, or have they been coexisting peacefully up till now? Is one of them threatening the other? Which one?

Pisces's first wish-mission is to end a war. This implies that she will be granting more wishes. Were these other wishes made by other people who wished on Pisces when she was a star, or does Brise get to make unlimited wishes?

Why didn't Pisces assassinate the emperor at her first opportunity, before getting to know him? Can she just wish him away, or does she have to physically kill him?

How can you say Pisces has "long since come to terms with" the truth that a star never questions her duty to grant a wisher's request, and then have her question the very first wish that comes her way? She obviously hadn't come to terms with it.

Does anyone who wishes on a star in this world get his wish granted? Seems like everyone would be out staring at the sky all night every night if that's the case. And if they all get unlimited wishes it would be chaos.

There are too many paragraphs. Give us one paragraph in which you introduce your main character, her situation, and her goal.

Then a paragraph telling us about her plan to achieve her goal and about the main obstacles she faces, i.e. who is trying to stop her, what goes wrong.

Finally a wrap-up paragraph explaining her dilemma. What will happen if she fails? If she succeeds?

Keep each of those paragraphs about three sentences long. Once you have them, go back and polish them, giving them a voice appropriate to the book, whether that be light and snarky or filled with gravitas.

Synopsis 44

Guess the Plot

Bliss

1. Ice cream. Sweet puppy kisses. A glorious trail ride on a good horse. Knowing they'll never find that cheating bastard's body.

2. A big piece of warm gingerbread with lots of whipped cream on top. Having a second helping, this time with vanilla ice cream. Weighing yourself the next morning and finding you lost a pound.

3. Forget about ecstasy and cocaine. JJ and his classmate George have developed Bliss, a super drug that's going to make them rich . . . if they can steer clear of the drug kingpin known as Smurf.

4. Connor falls for Annie and Annie falls for Connor and they live happily ever after with neither one getting a fatal disease, no fights, no problems with their kids, and no bad people making their lives miserable.  

5. Mary and Mike are on vacation for their 30th wedding anniversary. Mary hates everything about the hotel they're staying in: the "farm" food, the confusing coffee maker, and the just okay spa experience. Michael will file for a divorce Thursday, as soon as they get home.

6. 14-year-old Carley has to hide in the shadows, away from the sun. Even a single ray will burn her skin causing mounds of blisters. But if she pops the blisters, she releases a gooey slime that becomes a genie named Bliss who grants her wishes. And since Carley has her eye on the hot new guy in school, blisters are about to become . . . Bliss.


Original Version

BLISS

Welcome to a world that everyone desires, many pursue, and only few succeed. [...a world that "only few succeed" doesn't make sense.] Where sex is typical, [Find a better word than "typical." Not even sure what that means.] loyalty is tested, bonds are broken, money flows like water and pain is inflicted. [Why would everyone desire a world where bonds are broken and pain is inflicted? I'd drop the whole paragraph. Besides its other problems, it's vague ]

JJ is a college student who comes up with an idea to become famous and powerful by creating a new designer drug. [Have a lot of designer drug creators become famous? Seems to me that if you're creating illegal drugs, the last thing you want is fame.] [Is JJ a chemistry wiz or is he just the idea man in this project?]

Smurf is a gangster from South Chicago. He hates school, but loves money and is always up for making it. [Is "gangster" what they call students who are in gangs these days? In my day, guys we called "gangsters" didn't attend school.] 

JJ after finding out he won’t be able to pursue his dream. Turns his ambition towards the development of the new super drug. [Development of the drug is his dream.] [Also, neither of those sentences was a sentence, but if you combine them you might have something.]

Smurf while facing a triple homicide and beating it on a count of a technicality, gets out of jail and goes back into the drug game, this time with the intent of becoming the biggest kingpin in Chicago. [I assume the technicality is that technically the three people aren't dead.]

JJ and his classmate George, pair up to create the super drug with funds they raise by making and selling a high grade Ecstasy powder. [The money is rolling in, but the fame isn't.]

Smurf once re-establishing himself in the Cocaine game, sets out to settle the score against the people involved in the triple homicide and accidental death of a close friend. [He was involved in the triple homicide. And he got off scot free. And boy is he pissed.]

Once finding out the drugs JJ left with his roommate to sell was [were] fronted to a friend and never paid for, JJ decides to take [takes] his roommate to the buyer’s house and proceeds to beat and rob the man, further embracing the drug dealer mentality. [Actually, beating and robbing people who screw you was a mentality long before drug dealing came along.]

As money starts to roll in from their Ecstasy racket. JJ and George establish money laundering and shell company schemes. As they continue to work on their super drug, JJ comes up with the street name for their product “Bliss”.

With the new found sense of confidence, JJ now starts to believe that the world is theirs for the taking and no one will be able to stop them! [But he didn't reckon on . . . Smurf!] [Was it beating and robbing the guy or coming up with the name "Bliss" that gave JJ the new-found sense of confidence?]


Notes

Reading synopses is even worse than writing them, but they are samples of your writing, and this one is not a sample you want a prospective agent or editor to see. 

A synopsis needs to summarize the whole book. In this one, JJ hasn't yet developed the drug or encountered Smurf, which are the two main plot drivers. This is all setup. 

Ten paragraphs, and all you've said is College students JJ and George start dealing drugs to finance creating a new drug that will make them famous. And there's a cocaine kingpin named Smurf who presumably won't want competition from these upstarts.

Too many comma problems. Too many one-sentence paragraphs. 

I don't see a guy named Smurf lasting two days in prison. Did he tell the other inmates his name was Borgo?

Face-Lift 1259

Guess the Plot

A Fearful Brew

1. Was it a heart attack that killed that dinner party guest? Or was it poison in his soup? Inspector Snow is on the case, but can his scientific investigation reveal the truth before the society ladies' gossip destroys lives? Also, women's suffrage.

2. When amateur microbrewer Joe Bona creates what may well be the best beer in the world he's ecstatic - until he realizes that his creation is sentient . . . and it's got stage fright.

3. John Longstein has had a good run as a serial killer. Now it's time to toss back a few brewskies. Just one last step. His last victim-to-be watches him prepare a batch of home-made brew with those "special" ingredients still to come.

4. Celebrity, actress, chef, writer, model and lifestyle guru Gwen Patronal has a new beverage for the health-happy Hamptons set: a gluten-free, GMO-free, sodium-free, cruelty-free, fat-free, calorie-free, cholestoral-free, free range, organic, vegan beer she calls "Good". Will she clean up at the Sag Harbor Brew Fest, or will she fall to a *gasp* traditional ale? Also, hipsters.

5. High school student Taylor inherits her late grandmother's recipe collection and it includes a recipe for witch's brew. Is this the secret to getting that new boy Josh to finally notice her? Or will the concoction kill everyone who drinks it? Only one way to find out.


Original Version

A Fearful Brew

Inspector Snow thinks there is more to the death of Sir Atwood than the hasty verdict of heart attack. ["Hasty" because Atwood was a young man, and an athlete, and his head is missing.] [Assuming Atwood isn't the guy's first name, that should be Sir John or Sir John Atwood, but not Sir Atwood. I know this because on golf telecasts they always refer to Nick Faldo as Sir Nick.] ["Heart attack" sounds more like a diagnosis than a verdict. Has there been an inquest or was Atwood merely examined at the scene by a doctor?]

The hostess of the fatal dinner party fears the gossip will damage her social position. [Already there are whisperings that Sir Atwood's heart attack was caused by the Clams Casino.] Her guests, obligate [obligated] to attend, find their secrets at risk. 

[Guests: He had a heart attack. What do you want from us?

Inspector Snow: I want to know all of your secrets.]

Charlotte Magnolia, observes sagely from her husband's side, [Observes what?] with a flask of bourbon to keep her warm. [Is Charlotte Magnolia the hostess? A randomly chosen guest? I was convinced we were in London; now I'm thinking Mississippi.]

Jane Bradford, [no comma needed there.] fights her fear. She convinces her widowed sister, Lady Harrington, to help her start a suffrage group, [What is this "fear" Jane is fighting? I can't think of any fears that can be overcome by starting a suffrage group.] despite Aunt Edith's warning that it will ruin their chances of marriage. [Wait, are we in the same book?]

With only three recruits, her sister wavering, and Aunt Edith's smug reaction to their lack of members, Jane makes the radical decision to include the household servants in their group. The only one to object [decline?] is the cook, to everyone's surprise. [The surprise isn't that the cook didn't want in; it's that the butler did.] 

When news of the death of Sir Atwood reaches the group, the servants prove to be more than mere prop . The cook's knowledge of herbs, Maisy's determination to help a sacked maid, [Who is Maisy?] and tidbits of gossip from the society ladies, spark a transformation in an era that demand [demands] social correctness. 


Notes

What does Sir Atwood's death have to do with the servants in Jane Bradford's home?

Characters named in query: Inspector Snow, Sir Atwood, Charlotte Magnolia, Jane Bradford, Lady Harrington, Aunt Edith, Maisy. Add to that the hostess, the guests, Charlotte's husband, the cook, Jane's other household servants, and the society ladies, and we have a cast bigger than Downton Abbey. Which is okay for a novel, but way too many for a query letter.

Stating the title at the top isn't enough. We want a couple sentences in which you give the title, genre, word count, and anything else that might convince the reader to request your manuscript.

The first name mentioned is Inspector Snow, but he's never mentioned again. If Jane's cook solves the murder, we don't need the inspector in the query. 

You need to decide whether the main plot is Inspector Snow's murder investigation or Jane Bradford's quest for suffrage. The latter seems to get more attention, but as the suffrage group comprises only Jane and her sister (maybe) and her household staff, maybe the suffrage group is a subplot.

If the investigation is the main plot, tell us why Snow thinks there's more to Atwood's death than a heart attack, and name some suspects and their possible motives.

If women's suffrage is the main plot, open the query with Jane, tell us about her struggles to interest others in the cause, and mention Atwood's death only if you can explain how it's connected to the cause.

Don't name characters without also telling us who they are.

Face-Lift 1258

Guess the Plot

The Witch of Albright

1. Zinia lives near a haunted forest where Locals buy her herbal cures and psychic services. When the king is poisoned, the bishop declares it a work of witchcraft and many old ladies are prosecuted as witches. But she knows they aren't guilty because she's the kingdom's only witch. Now Zinia cannot hide but must use her powers to capture the assassin and free the innocents. 


2. Gwendolyn is tired of cleaning up after her and her sister's messy love spells . . . and their broken hearts. A mysterious love curse has troubled them for years. Maybe the solitary witch who only practices black magic will help them, but at what price? Who cares? Gwen is desperate!

3. One witch, one college, 2.5K students all wanting a little (non-literal) magic in their lives. When interacting spells open a portal for the elder gods, a love/party potion witch will need to crack open books that have been collecting dust for decades. Also, tunnels. 

4. All the kids at Madeleine Albright Elementary School know that there's something off about Principal Smith. One, she has a bunch of cats that hang around her office. Two, she has a skull on her desk. And three, no kid sent to see her ever returns. It's up to Rosa Garcia and the kids from the Drama Club to find out what's really going on.

5. Emily is studying to be a witch at  Albright Magic Academy. But she's a total klutz and they're so afraid she'll kill herself they won't let her do anything even mildly dangerous. So she sneaks away and enrolls at a rival school where she becomes a force to be reckoned with. But will she return to Albright now? And if so will it be for love or revenge?

6. When Mertil O Halloran's online Christmas illumination bazaar is faced with liquidation, the dogged entrepreneur enlists the aid of sorcery. It's broomsticks and 28W 2D GR10Q 4 pin Energy Saving Light Bulbs all the way in this Harry Potter meets Sage Accounts For Dummies rollercoaster ride of thrills.



Original Version

Dear [Agent]

I am seeking representation for THE WITCH OF ALBRIGHT, a completed 79,000 word YA fantasy novel with series potential. In a statement in [venue], you said that [personalized details], and so I believe you may be interested in this work. [In other words, either request my novel or admit that everything you say in [venues] is bullshit.] 

Emily Holland is a witch studying at Albright Magic Academy whose greatest desire is to fight monsters and evil mages alongside her friends. [Once I finish the sentence I know that "whose" goes with Emily rather than the Academy, but I can create a sentence in which it goes with the Academy: Emily Holland is a witch studying at Albright Magic Academy, whose claim to fame is being ten stories tall. We expect "whose" to go with the closest noun. Try two sentences: Emily Holland is a witch studying at Albright Magic Academy. Her greatest desire is to fight monsters and evil mages alongside her friends.] However, as the weakest person on her team, she finds herself relegated to unimportant positions in the field while her teammates shoulder all the danger. After a catastrophic failure of hers [Why not tell us specifically what she does wrong?] allows witches from the evil Shadow Institute to steal many powerful magic charms and artifacts, [I don't see how her duties can be described as unimportant if failing at them can also be described as catastrophic. In fact, protecting those charms and artifacts from the Shadow Institute may well be the single most important task of any Albright student.] she is removed from field missions entirely and is even forbidden [banned] from combat training out of concern that she will injure herself. Her goal of becoming strong enough to rejoin her teammates and battle evil seems forever out of reach. [No need to state the obvious.]

But rather than give up, a desperate Emily sneaks away from Albright and infiltrates the Shadow Institute by enrolling as a student. [That was easy. Wonder why no one else ever tried it.] Her goals are twofold: to recover the stolen equipment, and to take advantage of Shadow’s intense training to become capable of holding her own in a fight. She initially struggles just to survive her new lessons, [What exactly is she learning that's so hard to survive? Is she training in magic or as a ninja?] but as the months go by [She sneaks away for months? Has Albright reported to her family or the police that she's missing?] and her abilities improve, she starts to question whether she should really leave a school which is enabling her to grow far stronger than would otherwise be possible. Ultimately, she must decided whether she now supports Shadow… or whether she is, at heart, a witch of Albright. [I don't think Albright wants her back. Have they gone looking for her?]

I have sold short stories to [regional genre magazine] and [upcoming anthology]. Additionally, I have published several technical articles in peer-reviewed journals and conference proceedings, including [IEEE journal] and [international conference]. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

I assumed the Shadow Institute were the bad guys. If it's just another school, if staying at Shadow is like changing high schools, she should stay at Shadow. If you want us to see her choice as a dilemma, you have to show some advantages of returning to Albright. Like Albright trains good witches and Shadow trains evil witches. 

There has to be more at stake than whether she's an Albright girl at heart. What terrible thing will happen if she makes the wrong decision?

Auction Winners

Among the auction winners are AA and RH, but I have no contact information for you. If you'll email me at evledtr@gmail.com, we'll arrange your donation and get you your winnings.

What happens when you accidentally shut your dog in the pantry and leave the house for a few hours.

Face-Lift 1257

Guess the Plot

The Burnt State

1. It's Mother's Day, and yet another ham-fisted attempt at romcom behavior sends Christine over the edge.

2. Billy was careless when trying to fry a few ants with a magnifying glass, and now California is going up in flames. Will Billy's father, a firefighter, save LA? And should he?

3. The nuclear holocaust hit Florida particularly hard. What used to be 'sunshine' is now 'gamma rays,' and Trevor Connors doesn't like it one bit. Join him as he battles radioactive alligators, glowing armadillos, and irate senior citizens for control of the state senate.

4. Oswald Pettigrew couldn't look away from his friggin toaster oven for two seconds without whatever he was trying to toast reaching . . . The Burnt State. Now he's fighting mad, and someone at Wal-Mart's gonna pay.

5. A centuries-in-the-making plot to incinerate an area the size of Texas is about to be put into action. Preventing it would be a challenge even for Indiana Jones, but it isn't Indy Jones who's been recruited to save everyone. It's Indy Ramsay's useless grandfather, Eldritch. We're all gonna burn.

6. A malfunction in the Hubble telescope turns it 180 degrees as it's hovering over Hawaii at noon. The magnified rays of the sun leave behind nothing but ash in what scientists dub "The Mother of All Luaus."



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Indy Ramsay has studied and trained and striven her entire life. Because she is a patriot.

All she has ever wanted is to serve her Empire. [How old is she?]

All she has ever wanted is for the Brothers to show up on her doorstep and induct her into the elite corps of the Empire-the Reverend Council. [I'd start the query with this paragraph. The rest was vague.] [Also, the elite corps of the Empire needs a more awesome name than the Reverend Council. The elite corps would be like the Marines or at least SEAL team 6. The Reverend Council is a bunch of old guys who sit around acting like they know it all.] [Maybe the Brothers need a cooler name, too.]

They do, show up, that is, and promptly whisk away her grandfather-Eldritch Ramsay, [I'd change the commas around "show up, that is" to parentheses. Better yet, change to: They do show up, but it's not Indy they want, it's her grandfather Eldritch...] a man of bemused amiability and little else-on a mission of the tightest, whitest importance, ["Tightest, whitest" sounds more like a description of underwear than an adjective that describes "importance."] leaving behind a shattered and rejected Indy. [There has to be a good reason they've rejected the highly qualified Indy and chosen the totally unqualified Eldritch Ramsay for this mission. They didn't get to be the elite corps by being idiots. Also, if the mission is so damn important, why aren't they recruiting Gordon Ramsay? 

Drawn into the upper echelons of the Reverend Council that runs the Aet-El Empire, a world Eldritch can scarcely imagine and barely understands comes into being in front of his eyes. [It just materializes out of nowhere?] Encounters with bibliothecal deities and soul-vampires notwithstanding, [Not sure what that means.] he realizes he is embroiled in events far beyond his ken. [This is all vague or unclear. And as it doesn't involve Indy anyway, we don't need it.]

As events of the malevolent kind begin to transpire, [Such as?] Indy, too, is determined to have her say in history. She will fight, and prove herself worthy of the Council and the Empire. [Whom will she fight?]

Her hero-worship of the embattled Brothers [In what way are they embattled?] leads her down a dangerous path, where she finds that morals and idealism are not the steel of which empires are forged. [She could have learned that by reading any history book. Or watching Game of Thrones.] 

And as a centuries-in-the-making plan to incinerate the Empire is revealed, [Who has been planning to incinerate the Empire for centuries, and why is it taking them so long to get around to it? For instance, is this a planet where it's always raining, so they've been waiting centuries for a dry spell?] Eldritch and Indy find themselves asking whether they are willing to sacrifice all, including their family, including each other, to ensure the Empire's survival.

THE BURNT STATE is a work of speculative fiction, complete at 112,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

You need to tell us the story. With specific information. The setup: Indy has long wanted to be inducted into the Reverend Council that runs the Aet-El Empire, but when the Brothers come calling, they reject Indy and recruit her incompetent grandfather. The plot: Tell us what she does to prove herself worthy. Does she fight soul vampires? Join the army and fight in a war? Who is trying to stop her? What goes wrong with her plan? The wrap-up: What big decision must she make? What will happen if she fails to get it right? 

What?! No Auction?

It's May, the month the Brenda Novak Charity Auction always runs, except that Ms. Novak is taking this year off. As I normally spend my May and June editing stuff for auction winners, it looks like I have to auction off my own services and products.

I've chosen Farm Sanctuary as the recipient of the auction proceeds. They work to prevent cruelty to farm animals and rescue abused farm animals, providing them with happy lives on three sanctuaries totaling 500 acres.

The winners of auction items will have the option of donating directly to Farm Sanctuary (possibly best if you need a receipt for tax purposes) or, if you don't trust them not to sell your info to other animal rescue organizations, paying me, in which case I will make the donation and back you up with my receipt if you get audited.

The items up for bid are those I would have been offering in the BN Auction. Possibly the list will grow if any agents, editors or authors see this and decide to join in.

To bid, go to comments, give the item number, your maximum bid, (You can always raise your maximum bid if someone tops it) and the name you which to be identified by on the blog. Also, tell me who you really are. No matter what your maximum bid is, your actual bid will be $5.00 more than the previous high bidder's maximum bid. So if the current high bidder made a maximum bid of $100.00 and you bid $120.00, your actual bid will be $105.00. If someone else bids $115.00, that becomes your actual bid because you got there first. Someone would have to bid more than $120.00 to oust you from the high bidder position. If no one ousts you, you pay your actual bid, not your maximum bid. Even if you don't want any of the items, this is your chance to annoy the people who do want them by making them pay more.

Bidding closes Monday, the 11th at 6 PM eastern on any item that hasn't been bid on in the previous 15 minutes. If an item has been bid on in the previous 15 minutes, auction on that item closes at 6:15. Unless there's again been a bid in the previous 15 minutes. Etc, etc.

Your comments and real name won't be posted. Only the current high bid and the fake name of the high bidder.



Items up for bid:

Item # 1. Your complete book (up to 70,000 words) edited by Evil Editor, the world's most famous editor, and back to you by the end of May.

Current bid: $200.00 (DF)

Item # 2. Your complete book (up to 100,000 words) edited by Evil Editor, the world's most famous editor, and back to you by the end of June.

I'm starting the bidding at $300.  This item has never gone for less than $1100 in the other auction, and twice went for more than 10 times $300.










Item # 3. Your book's first 10,000 words edited by Evil Editor, the world's most famous editor, and back to you by the end of June.

Current bid: $10.00 (Barbara)












Item # 4. Signed ARCs of both Evil Editor color comic strip collections.

Current Bid: $10.00  (MBG72)

Item # 5. Dear Literary Agent...   A collection of the funniest query critiques from nine years of the Evil Evil Editor blog. Illustrated, color, 8 by 10.

Current Bid: $5.00 (JB 65)

Item # 6. Signed ARC of Schliegelman Saves the Universe

Evil Editor's prize winning story now a graphic novel starring Evil Editor!

Bidding starts at $5.00.

Item # 7. Both volumes of Why You Don't Get Published, the only writing books anyone has ever read from start to finish. Autographed.

Current bid: $5.00 (AA)

Item # 8. All 3 Novel Deviations books, signed. Hundreds of novel openings and hilarious continuations provided by EE and his minions.

Current Bid: $5.00.  (Zombie)

Item # 9. Evil Editor Teaches School: The funniest of the writing exercises we used to do on this blog. Most of them by EE. Autographed.

Bidding starts at $5.00.

Item # 10. My autographed copy of Immodest Proposals, collected short stories by the late science fiction author/satirist William Tenn (1920 - 2010).

600+ pages. Hardcover.

Current Bid: $5.00.  (Evil Minion #1)

Item # 11. My signed copies of Katherine Neville's novels The Eight (trade paperback) and The Fire (hardcover).

Bidding starts at $5.00

Item # 12. Box of four trade paperback books that I edited, cover prices total over $60.00. Two story collections, two novels. Contemporary fantasy.

Bidding starts at $5.00.

Item # 13. Autographed copy of Kiersten White's YA historical novel Illusions of Fate.

Current bid: $5.00. (R.H.)

Item 14. Jenna Black's 4-book Guardians of the Night paranormal romance series.

Autographed. Bidding starts at $5.00.