Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1335 would like feedback on the revised version below.


REVISION:

I’m a friend of your client XXXXX. [Or, to save space, L.] She thought you might like a first read of SACRIFICE, the medieval fantasy novel I’ve just completed, and recommended I email you directly.


Marina’s husband is a smuggler. Strictly small-time. Turns out he has secrets even from her, though. The Duke’s men come for her - and her kids – and she bolts, eventually making a desperate bid for sanctuary. [Not clear why the Duke's men are coming for Marina and her kids or what that has to do with her husband. Did his smuggling operation interfere with the Duke's plans? Would it help us to know what the husband's secrets are?]When it fails, she must give her daughter Quirt up to the Order. [She must give her daughter up to the Order? Is this a law? What is the Order?]

The monks are the only true masters of magic – a force others find maddeningly unreliable. Quirt is fascinated. [How old is Quirt?] She even finds a friend or two among the brothers. But she sees hints that the monks’ creative power – and their mastery of bloody destruction – springs from a dark secret. [Are we talking about a religious order of monks? I only ask because monks are rarely associated with bloody destruction, and those who are are rarely trusted with the care of young girls.]  

Marina bluffs her way from the Order’s smoky cloisters to the sluggish backwaters of the great swamp. She can’t quite see how she - and Hap, the son who remains to her - are going to build a new life, and she increasingly regrets giving up her daughter.

Hedge-wizard Cremona has suffered through a painful education, in the course of trying – and failing - to reap rewards from his magical talent. Meeting Marina, he realizes her story holds clues to the riddle of power that has begun to obsess him.

When Hap is trapped in a fire, only Cremona’s intervention saves him. Marina realizes she must choose between an empty exile and the daunting prospect of reversing her sacrifice. [Is there a connection between this realization and Cremona saving Hap? I don't actually see why Cremona is in the query.] She risks running foul [afoul] of the Duke if she returns home, and the Order are an even more intimidating prospect. But she must face them both to reclaim her daughter, her family and her life. [Is her husband still a part of her family? He was the subject of the first sentence, which makes him seem important, but he quickly disappeared.]


SACRIFICE aspires to the tone, complexity, and moral ambivalence of KJ Parker. [Does K.J. know you consider him morally ambivalent?] At 166k words, it is the first installment in a trilogy. It will appeal to adult readers of fantasy. [The query's somewhat shorter now, but the book is still as massive as ever. That's gonna be a problem.]

I’ve attached a synopsis and initial chapters as per your guidelines. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

You seem to like using dashes. I don't think you'd lose anything by changing all of them to less-annoying commas.

We need better connections between ideas, and you need to assume we know nothing about your world. 

If Marina doesn't know why the Duke is after her, you don't need to try to explain it to us. If she does know, then what are the secrets her husband is keeping? If those secrets aren't important in the query, don't bring them up.

Face-Lift 1338

Guess the Plot

The Awakening

1. Sixteen-year-old Jonieal awakens to her usual, drab surroundings. She has not been transformed into a warrior princess, nor is she now in a magical realm. Nada. Will tomorrow be different?

2. They have slept thousands of years; in the dark caves, under the sheltering willows, and at the highest mountain top. Now they have awakened, and no human is safe from their wrath. Earth has been defiled, and what humans have known as myths prove themselves very real.

3. People at work didn't know what to tell Leslie when she described the strange gray slime that had appeared in her kitchen sink and shower drain. A few days later, Ben has the same problem. Soon everyone in town is afflicted with it. Plumbers can't eliminate it, exterminators are useless, bleach does nothing. It's strange, all right...and then the sludge starts talking on peoples' phones.

4. College student Jessica knew there was something unusual about the guy she'd fallen in love with, and now she awakens to the fact that he's actually an elf. And not just any elf, the elf destined to become king of all the elves. She never thought this would happen.

5. Every person who has ever died awakens all at the same time. Living humans are outnumbered 14 to 1 by zombies, mummies, ash creatures, mobile skeletons, and slimy ghosts. It's highly awkward for those who have indulged in cannibalism.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

College student Jessica Grove never expected an extraordinary life. Orphaned at a young age, Jessica is content to follow a conventional path until she meets Aiden, a handsome older student oozing with mystery. They’re drawn to each other, and Jessica soon finds her life filled with excitement and peril she never imagined. She knows there is something different about Aiden, but never would have guessed the truth—that Aiden is an elf, gifted with extreme physical abilities and a slowed aging process.

The further Jessica delves into Aiden’s world, the more consumed she becomes with Aiden. Aiden tries to convince Jessica he’s bad for her, and even Jessica knows she should follow [live] the life everyone assumed she’d lead, graduating college and marrying Lucas, her hunky best friend since childhood. Jessica soon realizes, though, that passion and logic don’t always coexist and that her heart doesn’t necessarily lead her to [follow] the safest route.

Before meeting Jessica, Aiden never dreamed of deviating from his destiny. His entire life has been preparation for him to become the leader of his people, but when Aiden meets Jessica, he finds himself questioning how much he is willing to sacrifice for an ambition he did not select for himself. Aiden knows he cannot marry a human and still be king of the elves, but does he have the strength to choose his own course? [My guess is yes, but I'm not sure I want to read the book to find out, because you haven't told me much of anything that happens in the book. Does he tell her he's an elf or does she figure it out when she sees him picking up a car?]

Kingdoms: Book 1, The Awakening is an 84,000 word new adult fantasy romance that will have fans of Jennifer Armentrout, Stephenie Meyer, and J.K. Rowling [Here I'm thinking this is a take on the Wallis Simpson/Edward VIII story, and you're saying it's for fans of Harry Potter, boy wizard?] eager for the next installment of the Kingdoms Trilogy. [Will they be eager for it because nothing was resolved in this book? Or does this book have a satisfying ending? Convincing publishers to put out one book with the potential for a series is easier than convincing them to buy a trilogy.] The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

Jessica never expected an extraordinary life...   ...she never imagined a life filled with peril...   she never would have guessed the truth...  Aiden never dreamed he'd deviate from his destiny...  Is it necessary to continuously tell us a human and an elf are surprised they've met and fallen for each other? Back when L. Frank Baum queried me about The Wizard of Oz, he didn't say:

Dorothy never expected a tornado to transport her from Kansas to a magical world called Oz. And she never imagined she'd meet a living scarecrow and a talking lion. She never would have guessed a witch would try to kill her for her shoes. And the legendary wizard of Oz never dreamed all these characters would show up at his palace requesting favors.

He just told me these events happened in his book, and assumed I would realize they were unexpected, because nobody would expect them. By the way, the fact that the first two letters of L. Frank Baum are pronounced elf explains why the man insisted I call him Elfie. Though he never allowed anyone else to call him that. You might consider naming one of the elves in your book Rankbomb. Humans will call him Elf Rankbomb. An homage to Elfie.

It's a clearly written query. But it does little beyond introducing the characters and setting up their situation. Nothing here about what happens. There has to be more in 84,000 words than these two mulling over the pros and cons. What's all this excitement and peril Jessica experiences before she even realizes Aiden is an elf? Is elfdom (Faerie?) doing something to obstruct the romance? Is Lucas? Does something happen that almost ends their romance? What's their plan, assuming they're both on the same page? Are elves secretly planning to go to war with humans? Will Aiden still love Jessica when she's 80 and he's thirty in human years?

Condense the setup into one paragraph. Something like: Jessica and Aiden are in love, but Jessica just wants to graduate from college, while Aiden wants to become the ruler of all elves. Okay, that was one sentence, not one paragraph, so you can expand it with a couple more sentences. Then get to the plot.

Face-Lift 1337

Guess the Plot

Etherfall

1. An immortal guy kills Nolan's family, and is now hunting Nolan, when suddenly a crystal falls from the sky, granting Nolan magical powers. But will he use his powers for vengeance, or to do good works? 

2. Seems like the sky is falling at some point in every novel, but this time it's literally falling.

3. When a cabal of soulless politicians launches a scheme to anesthetize progressive voters before they can reach the polls, ace investigator Zack Martinez knows two things: This could be the answer to his chronic insomnia, and he'd better get his zzzzzzzzz... 

4. An exciting, fictionalized, very-approachable-without-a-technical-background narrative of scientific progress in physics in the late 1800s-early 1900s, including Maxwell's equations, general and special relativity, and, of course, the fall of luminiferous ether theory and the introduction of space as a(n almost) void. 

5. Ethan swears to get even with everyone who's ever dissed, harassed or bullied him. Using an old goat skull, he asks Satan to punish them all. No problem, as Satan possesses the Internet.

6. The green fairy descends from the heavens. Or rather it falls, smacks a few pedestrians with insanity, goes for a night on the town, and visits two sisters, giving them divine inspiration only to make them forget it all come morning. 



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Nolan of Greenbrook has no hope of a peaceful death. The immortal Eldest hunts him, intent on finishing what he started when he killed Nolan's family and left him crippled. [#38 on the list of Things I Would Do if I Were an Evil Overlord, paraphrased: "If an enemy I have just killed has offspring anywhere, I will have them killed immediately, instead of letting them grow up to harbor feelings of vengeance toward me." Seems like if Nolan was left crippled, the Eldest's minions would have had no trouble finishing him off. Then again, no one ever said evil overlords were bright.] Now Nolan lives in the shadows, consumed by fear of the Eldest. His luck runs out when he stumbles across a mysterious glowing crystal. When the Eldest's genetically-engineered minions arrive to investigate the crystal, they find Nolan as well. They spirit him away to the Eldest's prison where he awaits an excruciating death.

Though it costs him his freedom, the crystal gives Nolan something in return - strange magical powers. [Did they let him keep the crystal? Can someone else get magic from the crystal now, or is it like an empty Cherry Garcia carton, emptied of its magical contents and ready to be discarded in the rubbish bin?] [Also, calling his magical powers "strange" forces me to wonder what's strange about them. Are there people who have magical powers that aren't strange?] They are weak at first, but in Nolan’s hands they become a formidable tool. After a daring magic-enabled escape, Nolan falls in with a band of fellow outcasts marked for death. They embark on a journey to a haven beyond the Eldest's reach.

The hopes of Nolan's companions grow along with his powers as he fights off the Eldest's repeated attacks, [I thought they were beyond the Eldest's reach. Are they still en route?] even defeating creatures thought to be invincible.  [Although you said his luck ran out when he found the crystal, it could be argued that his luck changed for the better when he found it. In fact, he's gone from being a disabled, frightened victim hiding in the shadows to a warrior protecting his friends and defeating invincible creatures. Finding the crystal was the luckiest thing that ever happened to him.] But Nolan is not the Eldest-slaying hero his allies want. His past still haunts him, and he desires only to live without fear and rebuild his shattered life. Even when he discovers that his powers can be spread to others, he refuses to trade peace and safety for an unwinnable war. [What peace and safety? He's being repeatedly attacked by the Eldest and the creatures.] [Also, if he doesn't want to fight, and his companions do, why not spread his powers to them, and let them go fight the unwinnable war.

Then the Eldest strikes again, and safety proves an illusion. Nolan flees once more, unable to save those he loves. Driven to despair and pursued to the very edge of the earth, he finally understands why he is being hunted. The Eldest is also afraid.

He fears what Nolan will become when he stops running. 

ETHERFALL is a 123K-word fantasy that will appeal to readers of Brandon Sanderson or E. E. Knight. Thank you for your time and consideration.


The title refers to the substance that lets the main character work magic, which falls from the sky in a crystal at the start of the book. [It just falls from the sky? If that happened right when he most needed it we'd call it a deus ex machina, so I guess it's good that it happens a couple chapters before he needs it. Still, is there an explanation of where it fell from?]


Notes

Why did the Eldest want Nolan dead even before he found the crystal? Was his entire family a threat to the Eldest? The guy has genetically engineered minions and invincible creatures under his command, and yet he's obsessed with wiping out one family? Did the Eldest's seer predict someone named Nolan of Greenbrook would one day rule the world?

It reads well. Maybe it goes back and forth more than necessary. He has no hope, but then he gets the crystal, but then he's captured, but then he escapes, but then he's attacked but then he reaches the safe haven, but then it's not safe after all and he flees...  If we had less of this we'd have room for a specific example of what Nolan's magic can (or can't) do. And what the Eldest's ultimate goal is. And what Nolan's plan is now that he's on the run yet again.

Death Submits

Click to enlarge.

Face-Lift 1336

Guess the Plot

Princes and Pawns

1. Darryl and Carl think they've got a sure thing in their new RPG, Princes and Pawns. But when their friend and play-tester Kyle runs to a publisher with a beta copy of the game and gets it accepted, they'll be damned if they'll let this would-be game master rook them.

2. It's time to determine which of the princes is to be heir to the throne, through a series of trials. But one of the princes is trying to sabotage the other, and a  notorious gambler is trying to rig the trials, and someone on the Council is using dark magic to kill both princes. Christ, this is worse than the FIFA World Cup.

 3. Annoyed at eight princes lined up to inherit, eight peasants hash out a plan to get out from under their collective thumbs and bump them all off. Starting off with creating a game on a checkered board with a hidden message, and nary a prince in sight.

4. The Prince family's pawn shop faces closure after four generations due to plunging profits. But when William Prince finds a rusty old lamp containing a genie, he might hold the solution to their problems. In your face, E-bay, your days are numbered.

5. The heir to the underwater throne is annoyed with a local crustacean for altering the tidal pattern and starts a turf war and . . . what? Oh, pawns, not prawns? Never mind.

6. Drytown is a dystopian hellhole in the desert, where the people are controlled by a fascist military dictator. Philip, son of the last of the desert's true monarchs, wants to fight for his kingdom as the rightful heir, but he's just sixteen and secretly loves the niece of the dictator, who is secretly in love with Philip. But to prove himself worthy of her he must complete an obstacle course that virtually guarantees his death and Jesus Christ, haven't we seen enough of these murder the teenager novels yet?
  
7. Prince--that's his given name--Phillips joins the chess club in an attempt to spend some one-on-one time with the girl he likes. They're so desperate for members that they don't care if he sometimes forgets how horsey pieces move. But then Prince's father wants him to prove it's not a sissy activity, or he'll ship Prince off to military school.


Original Version

Dear Name-Spelled-Correctly Agent,

Fifteen-year-old Prince Kyan has been preparing to become Creftenbaugh’s next king for as long as he can remember. A skilled debater with a gift for charming even the stodgiest of diplomats, he knows he can keep the kingdom peaceful and prosperous. But his quick-tempered identical twin brother, Sayled, wants the crown just as much as Kyan, and he’s been preparing just as hard. Kyan fears that if Sayled becomes king, he’ll lead the kingdom into war.

When King Rowden and his Council announce a series of five trials will determine Creftenbaugh’s next ruler, Kyan sees an opportunity to prove he deserves the crown. But there’s a twist – each prince will compete with nine criminals from the prisons, ordering them through the trials as a general would his troops. The trials will be dangerous, and as far as the King is concerned, criminals are expendable.

With Sayled trying to sabotage him at every turn, Kyan struggles to gain his prisoners’ loyalties. Sayled motivates his men with fear and violence, while Kyan offers his their freedom – and riches – if they work with him to win.

Enn, a twelve-year-old boy with sharp eyes and quick feet, plays a key role in Kyan’s first two victories. [Sayled gets nine prisoners on his team while Kyan gets nine prisoners plus a twelve-year-old kid? That's cheating, and Kyan should be disqualified.] But Kyan doesn’t know Enn is hiding two secrets – ‘he’ is really a ‘she’ named Enna, and before the third trial a notorious gambler blackmailed her with her sister’s life to ensure long-shot Sayled wins. Her ‘mistakes’ in the third and fourth trials bring Sayled even with Kyan. 

As the final trial begins with only a few survivors on each side, Kyan learns that Sayled is not his most dangerous enemy – someone on the Council wants both princes dead, and they’ve used dark magic to sabotage the trial. Unable to warn his father or stop the competition, Kyan must fight not only for the crown, but for his life.

Told in alternating points of view between Kyan and Enna, PRINCES AND PAWNS is a 70,000-word upper-middle-grade fantasy. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

This is clear and well-written, but a bit long. What can we do without? For starters, you provide information that sounds like it might be important in the book, but whose importance isn't shown in the query. For instance, Kyan is a skilled debater with a gift for charming even the stodgiest of diplomats; the boy Enn is really a girl, Enna.

The two longest paragraphs introduce the characters and tell us their situation. They can be combined into one short paragraph, leaving more room for the plot: 


King Rowden has announced that a series of five trials will determine the heir to Creftenbaugh’s throne. Fifteen-year-old Prince Kyan will compete against his twin brother, the quick-tempered Sayled. Each prince will lead a team of nine criminals from the prisons, ordering them through the trials as a general would his troops.

There seem to be an unnecessarily large number of people involved in sabotaging the trials, considering that it could be decades before the winner actually becomes king. (Or is the king dying?) You've got Sayled trying to sabotage Kyan at every turn, a notorious gambler trying to rig the trials, someone on the Council wanting both princes dead, plus the gambler's pawn, Enna. It's almost as bad as the US presidential election. For the query, it's enough to tell us that someone's trying to rig the trials. Even in the book, maybe it's better for Sayled, rather than a gambler, to blackmail Enna.

A monarchy that decides the heir through trial rather than date and time of birth seems progressive, but it seems like if they're that progressive, they'd hold off on the trials till the princes were in their twenties. Again, is the king's death imminent?

Each prince has a team of adults to command in the trials. I don't see how a twelve-year-old kid ends up being the key to who wins each of the first four trials. Is Enna one of the prisoners? If not, what are the rules with regard to recruiting additional team members? If Kyan can recruit someone capable of influencing the outcome of every trial, Sayled should be allowed to recruit a brigade of mercenaries.

To me, the trials themselves are the most interesting part. If we eliminate Enna from of the query entirely (which also eliminates the root of my annoying questions), making the evil councilperson and Sayled the only villains, there'd be room to tell us what a couple of the trials are like.

Is the point of making the princes twins to give them the same birthday, thus requiring a means to choose an heir? Because monarchies are prepared for such an eventuality. Or did you make them twins so that one can easily impersonate the other?

Face-Lift 1335

Guess the Plot

Sacrifice

1. Everything is perfect in Evelyn's life except for one thing: she has no soulmate. After meeting the perfect candidate, will she sacrifice everything for a chance to catch his eye? Including her soul?

2. Verrin, the keeper of the holy goats, is horrified to find  the animals have been slaughtered by a traitor, days before the annual sacrifice for the kingdom's prosperity. And he's even more horrified when the priests decide Verrin is a close-enough substitute.

3. Ray sells his Xbox to get money to buy Ellen a Netflix subscription, only to discover that Ellen sold her Roku to get money to buy Ray Assassins Creed III. It's like that other story, but for millennials.

4. Cremona wants to become a powerful wizard, so he's looking for clues to how. Marina keeps uncovering clues, but ignores them because she has no interest in magic. If only these two lovable kooks would meet, they might live happily ever after.



Original Version

Dear Ms. XXXXXXX [x7]

I’m a friend of YYYYY [one of the agent’s clients]. She thought you might like a first read of SACRIFICE, the mdieval [medieval] fantasy novel I’ve just completed, and recommended I email you directly.

Cremona [Cremona looks too much like Cremora. It's like calling a character Coffeenate or Nudella or Coca-cota. Also, there's no such name as Cremona in any language.] thought he’d [He'd? Cremona is a girl's name.] managed to spin his straw into gold. Problem is, magic doesn’t work more than one time in two. Or maybe one in five. It can’t bail you out of every scrape you blunder into. A little overconfidence, a couple of lapses in judgment, and Cremona’s payday slips though his grasp. [What do you mean he thought he'd spun straw into gold? Can't he tell whether his straw is still straw or has changed to gold? You suggest that he failed to spin his straw into gold, but you then say magic doesn't work more than half the time, which suggests he has spun straw into gold, but doesn't succeed every time he tries. So why doesn't he just keep trying until it works? Also, when you refer to his payday I can't tell whether you mean the gold itself or the money someone paid him to spin some gold. Also, what lapses in judgment contributed to his plight?]

Cereal Reversal

Now he’s stumbling through serial reversals and disasters. Nailed into a barrel and dropped off a dock. Mugged by thugs in uniform. [AKA police.] A nasty hangover. [Somehow that hangover doesn't seem to belong. It's like saying Jesus was whipped by Roman soldiers, nailed to a cross and left to die, and had an ingrown toenail.] And it’s downhill from there. A more plausible [familiar] fate for a hedge-wizard, perhaps, but that doesn’t mean he has to like it.

Hedge-wizard

Marina’s husband is a smuggler. Strictly small-time, as far as she knew, but his secrets have the Duke’s enforcers twitchy, and they try to grab her - and her kids. She sees no choice but to run. Worse, she must give up her young daughter to save her. [If a group of them try to grab one woman and a couple kids, and fail, they forfeit the right to call themselves Enforcers.]

She leaves Quirt in the hands of the monks of the Order, the only true masters of magic. Quirt will penetrate their mysteries, they promise. The girl is eager to learn, and she finds a friend or two among the monks. [What ever happened to whatshisname? Are we in the same book?]  But she’s alone, and there are hints of shadow in their power. [Penetrate their mysteries, hints of shadow: pretty vague.]

Marina bluffs her way from the smoky halls of the Order’s monastery to the sluggish backwaters of the great swamp, uncovering clues to the riddle of controlling power as she runs . [She'll be able to run faster if the Duke makes good on his campaign promise to drain the swamp.] She’s oblivious, though. Increasingly bitter over giving up her daughter, she’s got to figure out how she - and the son who remains to her - are going to survive in exile.

Someone like Cremona might fit the puzzle pieces together, if he heard her story. He’s a bit distracted just now, though. Someone’s cottoned on to his magical abilities. They want to catch him, exploit his power. [Wouldn't it be better to catch a monk, since the monks are the only true masters and Cremona is a bungler?] They’ve set some surly bastards on his trail, 

[We've cottoned on to a guy who sucks at magic. 

Great. But how do we catch him?

It's too big a job for us. Let's hire some bastards.

Good idea. But not just any bastards. Surly bastards.]

who are proving hard to shake. Along the way Cremona encounters magic of perceptive subtlety, and of lethal power. It’s more than he thought possible. So now, he’s looking for clues. [Clues to what? Is he looking for the same clues Marina uncovered in the previous paragraph? Too bad he's distracted and she's oblivious and they never meet.]

SACRIFICE is 166k words. It’s the first book of a trilogy (AN UNCERTAIN POWER), and will appeal to adult readers of fantasy. It aspires to the tone, complexity, and moral ambivalence of KJ Parker or Joe Abercrombie. There’s considerably less mayhem, though – it’s more personal and political, as in Robin Hobb’s books. [Wait, you consider less mayhem a selling point?]

I’ve attached a synopsis and initial chapters as per your firm’s guidelines. YYYYY also suggested I mention I have other books planned. I’ve outlined the rest of the trilogy, and have ideas for additional projects, both independent and set in the same world as SACRIFICE. [I hate to disagree with YYYYY, as she seems wise, but telling us this is part of a trilogy is plenty; no need to bring up other books and projects.]

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yours,


Notes

The query and the book would both be better at half the length.

Specific examples are preferable to general statements.

If you are going to compare your book to someone else's I recommend choosing one author rather than three.

If Marina and Cremona are co-main characters, I'd open with Marina, as the gold-spinning/barrel/thugs/hangover paragraphs don't tell us what the book is about. Once you tell us what Marina's problem is, get to the part where they meet and what they hope to accomplish together and what's stopping them.

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New Beginning 1060

July 4, 2015/Baton Rouge, Louisiana


“Please don't do it! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to!” the girl cried.

“Oh really, now?” I calmly stated.

“Yes, I am so sorry! Please don't kill me!”

I looked into the girl's eyes and saw only fear and misery. Then glanced down at the girl in disgust. Perfect. Whiny little bitch probably never imagined the day would come when she’d be on her knees, begging for her pathetic life. This girl used to hold her head up high, played guys and then threw them away like trash. She cared for absolutely no one but herself. Her whimpers meant nothing. After what she’d done, how could she expect mercy? The girl's whimpers brought me back to the present.

“I'm sorry, okay, I didn't mean to hurt him!” her tears fell onto the ground. She tried to get up but slipped again on the hard concrete.

I cocked the pistol, aiming it with perfection on the girl's face. “Get up!”

The girl got up. She shook all over. A violent tremor went through her. She glanced around at the fireworks in the distance. She yearned to scream for help. She knew what would happen if she did.

It happened anyway. "Sorry, Liz," I said as I fired.

I looked at the crumpled body of my sister. Sixteen years I'd put up with her bullying me, moving my things, teasing me and my friends. I could deal with that. But she'd busted my lego Darth Vader, and there's no coming back from that.

Opening: Chaunalea Tricia.....Continuation: Khazar-khum

New Beginning 1059

Frigid northern night winds coldly kissed the summer gardens goodbye. Inch by inch, joy by joy, they howled an eternal song, while happily and viciously introducing time. He went inside the classically columned, one story stone building, hoping to find some warmth and illumination, willing to settle for either.

He briskly walked down the dark, unpopulated, stark hallway glimpsing the doors closed to him and had no interest in them. At the end he encountered one of the oak variety stained a dark brown, with a black, rectangular sign, containing golden brass letters which said “S-U-P-R-E-SPACE-E-SPACE-C-O-U-R-T”. The tarnished “M” lay on the plushy light brown carpet, which covered a floor of indeterminate substance. The “M” was now companion to other debauched debris, rubbish, trash and junk. The inch deep undisturbed dust suggested long term abandonment. He picked up and pocketed a 1793 large cent, half buried in the grime, which displayed a woman’s head with long flowing hair on the obverse and a wreath on the reverse, thinking it appropriate. He then tried the loose knob on the door and was surprised how easily it swung open. The room was lit with buzzing overhead tubular lights. The walls, ceilings and floors were painted an irregular, but strangely equalized cream shade of white.

There were only two distractions from the two paintings hung on the wall straight ahead. One was a lavender blue marble fountain, which sprayed water two feet in the air, in which the light from the one and only small window near the ceiling gave the moisture laden bouquet a rainbow effect on occasion. The other was a stable black masonry composite bench, on which he sat and beheld the shadows of life.

His posterior pushed against the unyielding obsidian bench in accordance with all the laws of physics, as his eyes wandered curiously around the starkly barren room. They alit one more time on the small window: what little light it passed danced around a sturdy set of bars. He leaned forward for a better vantage and discerned the material of manufacture. Over-wrought iron. That explained it.


Opening: SumCan.....Continuation: Anonymous

Face-Lift 1334

Guess the Plot

Cruel Sacrifices

1. "We all have to make sacrifices" is what Kelsie's mom told her when she drastically limited her phone time. Well, mom, say goodbye to your dragon dildo collection.

2. An imp pretends to be a genie and convinces poor 39-year-old virgin Eddie that in order to finally get laid, he first needs to perform a spell that involves sacrificing his testicles.

3. A 1980's period piece, inspired by the infamous McMartin preschool trial, featuring a bitterly divorcing couple, a desperate-to-please 4-year-old, and an eccentric, free-spirited young teacher who may or may not actually be a sadistic bride of Satan.

4. When Indigo Aimes made a deal with the devil to rule the world, he knew he would lose his wife, his children, his friends, and his soul. On the bright side, he would be immortal, eternally young, and wealthy. He didn't count on the nuclear holocaust and becoming a cockroach.

5. Jason's life is not all its cracked up to be. After a terrible accident he is left unable to eat a majority of his favorite foods. Now he must subsist on a rainbow color of supplements . . . and human flesh.

6. Dar'qhart Raevyncloake just wants to rule the world...but in this vicious satire of grimdark fantasy, he finds himself constantly having to sacrifice virgins just to prove he's Really That Evil.

7. Shannon and Andrea are the best of friends, partly because they enjoy going to parties and concerts together, but mostly because Shannon doesn't know Andrea killed Shannon's brother. Awkward. Will Andrea reveal the truth and risk sacrificing her friendship?

8. 28-year-old basement dweller Cody has finally found romance. But when his online lover, Heavenlee, insists Cody murder her abusive fundamentalist parents and all 9 of her siblings, he begins to have second thoughts. Especially when he finds out she's twelve.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Andrea is hiding a dark secret. She and her classmates played a cruel prank on a new student and he later dies [died] from it. Shannon escapes her unstable family [Wait, who's Shannon? I thought we were talking about Andrea.] and painful past by settling down in Andrea’s hometown. Shannon was that new student’s sister. [Wait, Shannon wasn't already living in Andrea's hometown, but her brother was?] [And after the students at her brother's school cause his death, Shannon decides that's the school for her?] [A high school student has an unstable family, so she moves to a new town and settles down? How is she paying her bills?] [Shannon should be introduced in a new paragraph. Her sudden appearance in paragraph 1 is jarring.] [And provide both girls' last names.]

Andrea and Shannon meet coincidentally and become close friends. They go to concerts, parties, [and] games, etc. together [ . . . until] Andrea moves on and closes that chapter on her dark past. She meets a new guy and enjoys her pleasant life [starts neglecting her friendship with Shannon]. [But] Shannon can’t move on and she constantly obsesses over her past. She rekindles the relationship with her old boyfriend and despises her new life.

[Eventually,] Shannon uncovers Andrea’s dark secret about her brother. She snaps and now she wants revenge against her best friend.

CRUEL SACRIFICES is a 51,000 word YA contemporary novel, with thriller and mystery elements. This is a standalone novel with series potential.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

It doesn't flow like a story. It reads more like an outline, a list of things that happen. Once you boil the story down to about ten sentences, it's time to connect ideas with smooth transitions.

Some specificity would help. What was the prank? How can a kid just move alone to a new town and start attending school? What is this past Shannon obsesses over? What are the cruel sacrifices?

Andrea enjoys her pleasant life? That's vague and doesn't sound like a description of high school.

New Beginning 1058

In the brave, struggling world of irrational hope, Calle de la Congelacion was a refuge, a sequestered haven, a quarantined boneyard, a loved union, a hated community, an irresistible beauty, a ghastly dread, an eternal presence, a temporary thing, a home for the white robed, a home for the unapologetic sinner, a place where people stood tall, a place where people dropped to their knees, a home of understanding, and a home of confusion. It was far from unique.

Jack lived there because he could afford to.

Each house bore no resemblance to its neighbor. Each property was a thick forest. Each house stood alone. Each property displayed the uniformity of a renewing, continuous nature. Each house was poor and showed the deterioration of time. Each property was rich with a timeless patience, waiting for the predictable renovation of spring. It was far from unique.

Jack lived there because it was a good place to hide.

It was a confession booth. It was a denial of the pious. It was perverse. It was ordinary. It was isolated. It was in a crowd. It loved. It hated. It bought. It sold. It lived. It died. It was far from unique.

Jack lived there because it was near his job. 

One could easily go on and on with Calle de la Congelacion’s traits to tiresome perpetuity. However, it would merely be indicative of a total, tragic, comic and ludicrous disregard for the harsh reality now brutally manifested in the street’s world of today.

You know, like the rest of this introduction.


Opening: SumCan.....Continuation: Khazar-khum



Notes

This reminds me of A Tale of Two Cities, in that both have three Jacks. Okay, in A Tale of Two Cities it's three Jacques, but . . .

The sentences starting with Jack keep taking me out of the voice. Possibly it's the name "Jack." Go with Sebastián.

Repeating the "It was far from unique" sentence annoys me. 

I would go with a condensed version, and without the contrasts/contradictions:

In the world of irrational hope, the community bordered on the east by Calle de la Congelacion was a refuge, a sequestered haven, an irresistible beauty, a home for the unapologetic sinner. It was far from unique.

Sebastián lived there because he could afford it and it was close to his work. And because it was a good place to hide.

That kills a lot of your babies, but since this place is far from unique, most of what you say could be said about hundreds of places. I'm more interested in what is unique about it, as I assume that's why you're starting the book here. 

Face-Lift 1333

Guess the Plot

Illustrated Desert Under the Elms

1. This lovely, lively book features dozens of ideas for your next quick pick-me-up with desserts under that big tree in your yard, where--wait--DESERT? Never mind.

2. Political corruption involving garbage contracts. In the suburban desert. With pictures. Think The Sopranos, but with camels.

3. Anna has always visited the elm trees at her family's farm, gazing out at the wasteland, imagining a new life. When the local Native American boy is found babbling about the "Darkness", she discovers her imagination is the only thing protecting her home.

4. In a post-apocalyptic future where random words from ancient scraps of paper are used as names, 13-year-old Illustrated Desert, on an everyday scavenging mission with her friend Mortgage Knife, stumbles upon a sealed dome containing a magical world of towering green things and unimaginable lushness.

5. A delicate yet subversive kunstlerroman featuring sensitive, alienated young landscape painter Celeste, who despises the manicured suburban greenery around her, and longs only to create scenes of parched mesas and barren dunes.

6. A scrapbook-obsessed helicopter mom maintains an extensive photojournal of her 3-year-old's stunningly precocious Lego and Polly Pocket tableaux, all crafted in their backyard sandbox.

7. A 1,000-word picture book explaining ecological devastation and the world as it will be when young readers grow up. Don't worry, there's one cuddly bunny that doesn't die.


Original Version

A noir vision of a former southwestern rural which has been turned into a suburban community. It's [Its] newer residents have effectively taken over and want the reminders of the past de-facto obliterated; but are not fully aware of that. Themes include political corruption, widespread duplicity, young love, garbage contracts, and gangsta wannabees told through the lives of eleven people who live there. It's a total of 150,000 words and a 259,000 word version also exists; the former being stripped of many digressions. it's difficult to fully describe, but if one can see the main theme of "Infinite Jest" being a symbolic apocalypse brought about by the cold; then this is one brought about by the heat. [I see the main theme of Infinite Jest as tennis, which would make your main theme . . . short-track speed skating.]

I write in many fictional genres ranging from literary to a crappy short dalliance with bizarro; and have about thirty titles completed. So, if you have a heightened interest in one area please specify. [Alternate history haiku. With ducks.] Also, be aware that at age 67 I am not open to touring or book signings. [67 is the new 43. Get off your ass and promote.] My only interest is your indicated seven-figure-deal- negotiating skills. [I knew it. You're like Citizen Kane if he was a character in Plutarch's Lives (volume 2).]