Face-Lift 1273

Guess the Plot

Valor

1. For years Johnny Maxwell has dined out on the stories he tells of his time in Afghanistan: thrilling tank battles, narrow escapes, firefights . . . But when his girlfriend Lorna digs into his records, she learns the shocking truth: Instead of a front-line hero, Johnny worked the laundry detail in Alabama. Should she confront him with the truth, and break their son's heart, or stay quiet while Johnny sorts the socks from the panties?

2. One night, 16-year-old Elrican gives shelter to Harlequin, another 16-year-old of noble bearing, in the humble iron forge where Elrican works. Elrican forgets to put the grate over the fire and Harlequin falls into the fire pit in his sleep. The next morning when soldiers show up looking for their prince to lead them into battle against the Dragon-Trolls, Ellrican assumes Harlequin's identity. Thus begins his unsought life of valor.

3. While traveling to a video game tournament, the five members of Team Valor are struck by a lightning bolt that gives them radiation poisoning but also gives each of them the magical powers of the character they play in the video game. Sara uses her healing power to heal them all. Then they head for Iraq where they use their powers to rescue a battalion of Marines from terrorists.



Original Version

Valor Book One is 77,559 words. It's a fantasy story about five teenagers that receive the magic of their video game characters and what they decide to do with it. [Change the first sentence to Valor is a 78,000-word YA fantasy, and put it toward the end of the query. Dump the second sentence, which tells us nothing that isn't restated in the next few paragraphs.]

Charlie Hayes, Sara the girl of his dreams, and three [four] of his best friends are traveling to Japan to participate in a video game tournament. Lightning blows through the window Sara is sitting next to [Sara's window] and travels through her hitting [hits] all of them. Team Valor is knocked unconscious and the plane makes an emergency landing.

At first they seem to make a full recovery and go on to play [brilliantly in] the tournament where they play brilliantly despite becoming increasing ill. By the end of the tournament they are so sick they require hospitalization. The doctors determine it's radiation poisoning and they [They? The doctors?] are put in isolation and treated[comma] as investigators try to find out where they were exposed.

Charlie's heard the doctors talking while they thought he was unconscious and knows they [They?] are all dying. In a feverish delirium he tries to intercept the healer using the same spells as his video game character. He finds himself by Sara's bedside where he realizes what he just did and begs her to pray for them all.

She does. At first using traditional prayers and then at Charlie's urging her video game character[apostrophe]s prayers. She is able to heal them all. They realize they all can do the magic that their characters had [have acquired their characters' magical abilities]. They tell no one[comma] hoping to return home and explore their new abilities before others find out. [Those four paragraphs are the setup. In video game terms, the setup is the part where you slip the Final Fantasy XXVII disk into your Xbox and read a bunch of crap before you take control and start battling creatures. If you're writing a synopsis, you can spend four paragraphs setting up the situation. In a query letter you should condense the setup into one paragraph of three or four sentences.]

Unfortunately, Charlie's brother Rick and his entire Marine battalion go MIA in Iraq. [A battalion is 300 to 1200 marines. That's a lot of people to go MIA.] They [They? The battalion?] decide they will use their new abilities to sneak into Iraq and try to rescue him. They also decide to tell Charlie's mother[comma] who helps them reluctantly. [We don't need to know about Charlie's mother.]

They sneak on and off both ally and enemy bases searching for Rick. [If Rick is MIA, what makes them think he might be on an allied base?] Charlie knows hiding on Incrilik airbase in Turkey is no place to declare his undying love for Sara, but when he realizes she isn't as aloof as she seems he can't stop himself.

When they finally find Rick they have to fight the terrorists that have him to escape. Their secret is now out[comma] their abilities known.

At one time in my life I was an avid video gamer and a member of serious raiding guild. [You seem to think whoever reads this will surely know what you mean by "a member of serious raiding guild." Think again.] A common theme in guild chat was what would you do if you could cast the spells your character could. With over ten million people playing of all ages the answers always amazed me. [You kids think you're so special. Don't you know your parents and grandparents used to fantasize about what they'd do if they had the powers of characters in the Fantastic Four or the Justice League or the X-Men? Ancestors you never met fantasized about being the Invisible Man or Merlin or Hercules.] [When I was young I fantasized about being Superman. When I got older I fantasized about having sex with Wonder Woman. Nowadays I fantasize about having a good bowel movement.] I hope you enjoy reading Valor as much as I enjoyed writing it. [Fascinating that you were amazed by the answers of ten million other people, but what we really want to know is what were your answers?] [I was joking! We don't care about your answers or anything in that paragraph. Get rid of it. It's killing you.]

Thank you for your consideration.


Notes

The writing isn't polished. Possibly it's a rough draft, and you can whip it into shape. You use a lot of words to say what would be clearer in half as many.

You need a paragraph in which you tell us a video game team acquires the powers of their characters. and two paragraphs in which you tell us the story of the rescue, by which I mean what's their plan, how do their powers come into play, what goes wrong, etc.

Then wrap it up with the title, word count, genre. 

Also, some editing of the actual book may be in order. I have a feeling you can get this down to 65,000 words without losing any of the plot. 

Face-Lift 1272

Guess the Plot

Bending Livi

1. Sheena thought Latin was stupid. Then Bella brought that funny-looking scroll to class. Now they have Livi as Latin teacher, and Sheena can't wait for 6th period.

2. When cat burglar Livi is given court-ordered community service in a retirement home, she feels like a fox ordered to work in a hen house. Will the retirees win her over and help her straighten out her life, or will she rob them blind? Also, Russian acrobats.

3. Livi's strict kosher parents promise to stop ragging her about her taste for Daisy Dukes and halter tops and purple hair and McRib's if she spends a summer at the kibbutz. She agrees (anything to get out of the house) and packs off for a camp somewhere outside Tel Aviv. Then the vampires show up.

4. Olivia is a headstrong businesswoman with no family ties to slow her down. Matt is a soft-hearted midwesterner who just made partner in his law firm. But when Olivia is accused of murder and needs Matt to save her, he's got his hand full trying to make her likable to the jury. If only she'd bend just a little and stop wearing that "I kicked Satan's ass" t-shirt.


Original Version

Seeing as how you represent mainstream fiction, I submit to you Bending Livi, It is a Southern woman’s tale mixed with humor and personal grit about becoming someone better. [Not the best opening to a business letter. "seeing as how" is too informal. Just say "Because." Or mention where you learned this information. Also, the first sentence needs a period at the end, not a comma. The second sentence is vague. We don't know what you mean by "personal grit" or "becoming someone better." It's information you can show with specificity in your plot summary. I recommend dumping the whole first paragraph.]

Who is Livi? A loving caretaker? Or a thief who preys on the city? [You can save some more space by starting with the answers instead of the questions.] Livi is a stubborn young woman who finds herself on the wrong side of the law, a cat burglar with extraordinary athletic skills. [Saying that a cat burglar "finds herself" on the wrong side of the law is like saying a chef "finds herself" in a kitchen. It's not an accident.] At the risk of losing her brother to the court, she is required to do service [to serve] in an [a] retirement community home, in Biloxi, Mississippi, in the late 90s. [Punishing a thief by making her work in a retirement community is like throwing Br'er Rabbit into the briar patch.] [Also, when the courts start ordering thieves into my retirement home, I start looking for a new retirement home.] Her boyfriend, E.J., is a negative force, drawing Livi deeper into a life of crime. Detective Woodard, whose father is at the home, believes that she’s more than just a caretaker. His logic says she’s one thing, his police intuition casting doubts on Livi, [Is it a secret from the police that she's there because of court-ordered community service?] but his heart says something else as he sees the care she gives his father. Will Sergeant Major, a family of Russian acrobats, a retired entertainer, and a broken-down boxer, the Groundskeeper, [No reason to capitalize "groundskeeper" . . .  unless it's the broken-down boxer's stage name. Which would make more sense if he were a professional wrestler. I wouldn't mind seeing a match between The Undertaker and The Groundskeeper.] [Also, isn't sergeant major a fish?] help Livi change her life? [Actually, I'm more likely to buy that she turns her life around because of a fish than by joining a Russian acrobatic troupe. Have her steal an aquarium from one of the retiree's, and then learn life lessons from watching the sergeant major deal with a broken filter and a pesky Siamese fighting fish.] The duality of emotions and morals is the conflict that Livi has to navigate.


Notes

You're not telling us your story. You're telling us the main character's situation and listing your other characters. Basically, this is the setup: When cat burglar Livi is caught in the act, she's given a choice:
perform community service in a retirement home or lose custody the little brother she's raised since their parents died. She makes the obvious decision, but Detective Woodard, whose father lives at the home, is wary . . . until he witnesses the loving care Livi gives his dad.

Now you have plenty of room for a paragraph in which you show us what happens when horrible E.J. enters the scene and how Livi deals with him, and what goes wrong. Then a paragraph in which you show us Livi at the crossroads and tell us what will happen if she takes the left fork or the right.

I don't think Tiffany's would put up with courts ordering convicted jewel thieves to work in their stores. I suppose there's an explanation of why the owner of this retirement home is okay with a convicted thief working there? Seems like a bad business decision.

Face-Lift 1271

Guess the Plot

Black Lick Creek and the City of Broken People

1. Sixteen-year-old Jenna James is leading a pack of teenagers hell-bent on getting out of their small town. There's only one problem. They can't get across the raging river ridiculously called Black Lick Creek. Then Jenna hatches a plan. They can break off branches from the trees and make a bridge. Only she doesn't realize those trees are magical people, and they don't take kindly to meddling kids breaking them. Bedlam ensues. Oh, and a praying mantis.

2. The Tarrant trio (father, son, and blonde, teenaged grandson) are taking a trip across country when they make a wrong turn off the I-10. They find themselves in a city that's populated with folks suffering from various mysterious, crippling symptoms. Then they discover that somehow they can't go back the way they came in and the town is NOT ON THE MAP -- but a cave with a water formation named Black Lick Creek is, and it seems to be the only way out of the town.

3. Undead backpackers converge on Hell Central to discover angels have split EVIL in two. Fiends line up along the creek, zombies team up in the City, every nightmare soul eager to battle to the death — or kiss and make up.

4. Carla, Dean and Lyle love to frolic down by Black Lick Creek, but when they aren't doing that they're a vigilante team of abused 10-year-olds out for revenge on their abusers and any abusers who would break the spirits of children.

5. The city of Black Lick Creek holds a writers convention. Unknown to the city fathers, Black Lick is also scheduled for the Semi-Millennium Demons' Convocation. Writers flock to the venue but due to a NYC snowstorm, few agents or editors are able to attend. The writers mistakenly sit in on Satan's black mass. Afterward, over drinks at the hotel bar, the writers decide it must have been Evil Editor's symposium.

6. ehosephat "Black Lick" Creek has been riding the wild canyonlands of the west for years, never staying in one place. In a side canyon of the Snake river, he runs into a town of...well, people, he guesses, even though so many are crippled and twisted it's a bit hard to tell. Can he help them secure their town from the raging flash floods? And will he be able to do so without having to marry all seven of the ugly, one-eyed Olsen sisters?


Original Version

Title - “Black Lick Creek and the City of Broken People”

Manuscript completed - about 96k words - dark YA fiction with dreams and a psychic [Most people care as much about fictional characters' dreams as they do about real peoples' dreams.] 

I am an attorney with a background as an assistant prosecutor in juvenile court. In an earlier career I was a clinical psychologist. I have drawn on experiences in both careers to formulate my storyline [in which the main character ditches a promising and lucrative career as a clinical psychologist for a low-paying, dead-end career dealing with drug-dealing, crack-smoking punks]. Thank you for your consideration

Overview: [No need to label each section of a business letter.]

Suppose an abused child fights back. [Good for her.] Suppose three of them, each 10 years old, form an unbreakable pact to protect each other from the depredations heaped on them by the adults who should have loved, nurtured and kept them safe. [Yes. I like it. What are their super powers?] They are more than close friends. Their lives meld into one entity and one purpose - to love, protect and succor one another through all adversities. [Screw love and succor. If you want this to become a blockbuster movie they have to form a vigilante team, kill their own abusers, and then go after all abusers.] Carla, the ostensible leader of the threesome, began her life in a home of privilege but was suddenly placed in the care of a selfish aunt and predatory uncle. Dean was forced to murder his psychotic mother [Now that's what I'm talking about.] to keep her from murdering him. Lyle, a skinny, introverted genius, harbored an obsession for revenge against his two half-sisters twins for their false accusation of sexual abuse by his father leading to his death. [Lyle doesn't seem to belong. You said there were three abused children, but Lyle wasn't abused, and apparently his sisters weren't either, and Lyle didn't have depredations heaped on him by adults (or are the twin sisters adults?)] Seeing and experiencing life in a way that at times resembles combat, only two of them survive. [Yes but how many baddies did they take out before one of them succumbed?] 


First three sentences:

Chapter 1
God how they played! All three of them, ten years old, ran as hard as they could through the field, jumped the ditch, vaulted the fence and scooted down the loose rock bank to the creek. Elmer Gantry was drunk. [Yes he was, often. But what's he got to do with your book? Is Elmer Gantry preaching down by the creek? Is he one of your characters? If only you had provided four sentences.]



Notes

Three sentences? Anyone who wants a sample included with the letter will want at least three pages, possibly three chapters. Check their submission guidelines.

I'm sure both of your previous careers required you to write business letters at times, and they probably didn't begin:

Salutation:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence,

Body:

I regret to inform you that your son Barry is a sociopathic delinquent.

Closing:

Sincerely yours,

This is the first example of your writing the reader will see, so use sentences and paragraphs.

This is just a list of your characters and their backstories. What led to their forming a pact is interesting, but your story is what happens after that. You need to tell us that story, providing specific information about the trio's goals, obstacles, plans, setbacks, dilemmas. Summarize the story in about ten sentences that connect logically to the each other.

I'd put the part about your careers at the end rather than the beginning.

Face-Lift 1270

Guess the Plot

Naturae

1. Only teenager Skye Briar can put an end to humans' destruction of Earth, for she is the daughter of the one and only Mother Nature. But those who profit from the devastation of nature will stop at nothing to destroy Skye. Plus she has a hunky boyfriend. We're doomed.

2. Before Mother Nature was a mother she was a dyslexic teen tormented by the other sprites -especially Jack Frost. When he writes her name wrong in the ice is he mocking her, or has she finally thawed his frozen heart? 

3. Clem has a pet Nutria named NATURAE, who needs a heart transplant. The vet wants payment in full before the operation and Clem sets off on a wild crime spree. He robs a health food store in Memphis and a laundromat in Murfreesboro. Can Clem come up with the money in time?

4. Alexia Brentwood is not about to grow old gracefully. Her seventy-five-year-old skin is as taut as a teenager's and her long brown hair as silky as a child's. But her secret to youth comes at a price. Every full moon she must find another dose of the magic elixir Naturae or she'll wind up looking like Keith Richards in a dress.

5. When attorney Sophie Bennet loses another high-profile case, she's forced to enter the Naturae Naturopathic Clinic or lose her job. She's supposed to get techniques on stress relief and a good night's sleep. But when she meets hunky Zach, the towel guy at the spa, she has her own ideas of "stress relief." Then Zach turns up dead in the mud bath and Sophie gets a blackmail note in her robe. Now Sophie needs more than just Naturae to help her sleep. She needs an Uzi.

6. Smaller than elves, tinier than fairies, the Naturae live close to the ground where their magic helps trees take root and flowers grow. Unfortunately, being so little and close to the ground makes them vulnerable to bustling beetles, curious cats, and weed-whackers.

7. Steve Hodgson persuades the new World Government to put his newly-invented AI in charge. After all, "Naturae," as it is called, is perfectly rational and omniscient and would be the best decision maker. The trouble is, Steve programmed it to be a bit too "natural," and it soon becomes red in tooth and claw and the world is once again on the brink of destruction. Now Steve has to deprogram the thing, with the assistance of the feisty, red-headed female journalist who was predicting this all along.


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Abandoned for unknown reasons by her mother as an infant, Skye Bryar grows up in the small town of Deep Cove, a uniquely beautiful girl with secret abilities that even she does not understand. It is not until she meets Holt, a mysteriously quiet and undeniably handsome out-of-towner, that she is led to the truth about her past, and finally learns who- and what- she really is.

When Holt rescues Skye from a strange encounter with some very dangerous men, he whisks her away to a world that she never knew about, but one where she truly belongs. This is the island of the NATURAE, where those who can control the pure elements- earth, air, fire or water- reside. They are ruled over by none other than Mother Nature, the Queen of the Earth. Skye is shocked to learn that this woman is in fact her own birth mother- making Skye the Elemental Princess, the only individual on earth who holds the power of [over] all four elements within. [Mother Nature doesn't hold this power?]

It is on this island that Skye discovers she is the key to something much greater than she could have ever imagined. Mother Nature brought Skye [her] into the world with a prophecy that her child by blood would be the only one who could [to] put an end to the humans destruction of the earth. But an elite group of people known as the Avarice, [If that's an  acronym standing for Association of Vile And Rapacious Individuals Consuming Earth, you don't need "the" in front of it, and AVARICE should be all caps.] who profit from the devastation of nature, have been searching for Skye since the day of her birth, and they will stop at nothing to prevent her from changing their ways. ["Changing their ways" doesn't sound so threatening. 

We must stop this child now, before she manages to change our ways. 

Come out with your hands up and we'll give you a chance to change your ways.

You'll never take me alive, copper. I'm too set in my ways to change them now.]

As Skye embarks on the journey to harness her powers, [What are her powers, exactly? For instance, can she turn into fire like the human torch and swim with the fishes like Aquaman? Are these powers useful in preventing ocean pollution and rainforest destruction?] she develops new friendships with those around her, and a deep connection to the earth and its elements. And a [blossoming] romance with Holt blossoms, she begins to question everything she thought she knew about the world she left behind. [Everything? There's not a single thing she doesn't question?]

But will Skye be willing to help Mother Nature, and the earth, even if it means betraying the humans she loves? [Does she love the humans who are causing the devastation of nature? How can protecting the planet from AVARICE be called betraying humans?] Or will the Avarice get to her before she even has a chance to choose sides?

NATURAE is a YA paranormal romance novel. The novel has a unique focus on the current and important issue of how humans are impacting the environment, intertwined with extraordinary magic, a heart wrenching love triangle, [Who's the third side of this triangle?] unwavering friendships and betrayal. This is intended to be the first in a 3 or 4 part series. [Does it have a satisfying ending or are we left hanging, waiting for the next installment? Are you querying the whole series or just this book? ]

NATURAE is my first novel, inspired by my travels and experiences around the world. With a bad case of wanderlust and a love for animals, I have lived in many countries including Australia, Canada, Dominican Republic and Mexico, and have worked with animals including dolphins, sea lions, horses, penguins and sharks [, the latter of which explains my two missing limbs]. My intimate connection with nature world-wide has only further highlighted the many issues our earth faces and I hope this novel will inspire the younger generation to make a difference. [If we want our planet to be respected, we can start by capitalizing its name, as we do every other planet and every ocean, country, city, mountain, etc.]

Thank you for your consideration of this query. At your request, I would be happy to send along part of the story, which is complete at 50,000 words.


Notes

It's a bit long. I've pointed out some phrases that you can afford to lose. You can also shorten the paragraph about you to something like: My experiences working with animals and nature around the world have touched on many issues our planet faces, and I hope this novel with inspire young people to make a difference.

Not sure how hot the love interest gets, but I tend to think a book in which a girl gets whisked off to an island where Mother Nature lives would be more appealing to a younger audience than YA.

I'd like to know more about what happens in the book. This is mostly the situation. What does Skye actually do? And perhaps more about the betrayal and the love triangle would reveal aspects of the story we're not getting.

Face-Lift 1269

Guess the Plot

Antonov's Diamonds

1. Ruthless Russian Colonel Antonov makes off with a fortune in gems from a diamond mine in the Ural Mountains. It's a case too tough for the FBI, so they call in pawnbroker Flynn Christopher to help them devise a plan. Also, a pair of nitwits.

2. Sixteen-year-old Cam has seen a lot as the daughter of an unorthodox archeologist. To keep him out of trouble, she travels with him on his latest quest to find Antonov's Diamonds. Cam is concerned this will turn out like the times when he went searching for those damned yellow moons, pink hearts, orange stars, and green clovers.

3. Joe Singleton is struggling mightily to start his own jewelry shop in St. Louis. His fast-talking brother-in-law points out that every other successful jeweler has an exotic foreign name. Joe googles "Russian boy names" -- and he doesn't even need to search beyond the A's for a new business name. The trouble is, "Antonov's Diamonds" is also the code term for a super-secret remotely-guided nano-weapon that the CIA has been tracking, and Joe is sucked into a world of international intrigue.

4. When four-time World Chess Champion Vladimir Antonov is involved in a fatal car accident, he doesn't think twice about challenging Death to a game with eternal consequences. He couldn't have known that Death would pick bridge instead of chess and partner up with Satan, or that his own partner--a 206-year-old babushka--would promise to make his death a living hell if his incompetence ruins her winning streak.


Original Version


Dear Evil Editor,

For your consideration:

Pawnbroker Flynn Christopher is enlisted by the FBI to help ensnare the cold blooded and ruthless Russian Colonel Alexei Antonov and recover untold millions in stolen diamonds. [On the off chance that the cold blooded and ruthless Russian Colonel Alexei Antonov comes in here to pawn millions in diamonds, we need you to stall him until we get here, okay?]

Flynn's pawnshops are entertaining, you never know what's coming through the door. Stun guns, diamonds, sharks teeth or a pair of nitwits. Hey, it's a job... [Usually it's after describing a crappy job that you make the comment Hey, it's a job. Not after describing a job as wildly entertaining as Flynn's.] 

Flynn meets a mysterious FBI agent while playing golf who asks his help in recovering a diamond once owned by Peter the Great. [Were they playing golf with each other, or was the FBI agent waiting on the 5th tee when Flynn got there?] [Also, you might want to mention why the FBI wants Flynn's help. Was Flynn chosen at random or because he's a pawnbroker or for a reason you're ill-advisedly keeping from us?] Mayhem ensues at Baltimore's Inner Harbor when Flynn comes face to face with the thief. [And? Does he get the diamond?] Meanwhile the FBI is running a sting on Colonel Antonov in Philadelphia that ends with two dead[.] Antonov returns home to his store, Satchels and Sandals, a mecca for ladies shoes and handbags, [You pretty much have to be cold-blooded and ruthless if you're a ladies shoe salesman.] but their [there] is an evil secret in the backroom. Once again the irreverent Flynn is recruited, [Is there no case the FBI can solve without the aid of Flynn the Pawnbroker?] [Also, when did Flynn become "the irreverent Flynn"?] this time it’s more deadly. [This time he must try to get Mrs. van Pilson's size nine feet into a pair of size eight pumps.] Antonov orchestrates the takeover of a secret diamond mine [Secret from whom?] deep in the Ural mountains of Russia. [He orchestrates this from Philadelphia?] He makes off with incredible wealth and the death toll rises. Back in Baltimore, Flynn and the FBI devise a plan to outwit the maniacal Antonov [The FBI agents need a Pawnbroker to help them devise a plan to outwit a maniac?] and recover the diamonds before the unsuspecting Flynn becomes [one] of Antonov's victims.

I managed jewelry stores in the Baltimore Washington area for twenty years before becoming a pawnbroker, owning and operating my own stores for fifteen years. [So this is autobiographical. How much will you give me for my VHS player?] I am a jewelry expert, a certified diamontologist, gemologist and appraiser. [If Flynn is a diamond expert and the FBI needs his expertise to outwit Antonov, say so. I would expect the FBI, if they don't have their own expert, to seek one at a jewelry store rather than a pawn shop (or golf course).]

ANTONOV'S DIAMONDS is a thriller of 95,000 words.

Evil Editor, thank you for your consideration and time, I can be reached at ____________.

Warmest regards,


Notes

Not clear why the FBI is involved in recovering diamonds taken from a mine in the Ural Mountains. Or what Flynn brings to the table. Or why Flynn is approached on a golf course. Actually, this is so all-over-the-place that nothing's clear. Maybe you should focus the query on one case, either recovering Antonov's diamonds or Peter the Great's.

No need to waste space with a one-sentence summary of what we're about to read.

Start with a brief setup of Flynn's situation: You never know what's going to come through the door of Flynn Christopher's pawn shop. Stun guns, shark's teeth, banjos . . . But even Flynn is surprised when a pair of nitwits try to pawn a diamond that once belonged to Peter the Great.

Then tell us what happens: Turns out the diamond is the real thing, and the FBI is using it in a sting operation against Ruthless Russian Colonel Alevei Antonov. They want Flynn to take the stolen diamond in hopes that Antonov will be lured into the pawn shop. Antonov has his sights set on bigger game--a fortune in newly mined diamonds--but he can't resist a diamond that's part of his homeland's history.

Then finish with Flynn's decision, the one that determines whether he wins or loses. I'm not sure what he wins or loses, maybe a job as an FBI consultant or the reward money for recovering the diamond.


Focus on Flynn, what he wants, what's keeping him from getting it, how he plans to overcome this, what happens if he screws up.

 Also, I recommend using the details of my plot summary rather than yours.

Dear Literary Agent...

...is now available in digital format.

At last. The book that collects the funniest query critiques from this blog (and improves many of them with new laughs and artwork), is available in a format you can afford. You get the werewolf popes, the pay phone occlusions, the ruthless vigilante sorcerers... 50 in all.

Whether you've been here for the whole 9+ years and want the book as a memento, or you got here recently and don't have time to slog through 1200+ query letters on your computer screen, you want this book.

Of course you'd rather have the 8 by 10 full-color book, but if you don't want to spring for the higher cost, this is the next-best thing.

Click on "bookstore" in the sidebar. Then click on the picture of the book, and order the version you want. The digital version is $2.99. I'll send you the code that allows you to read it on your tablet. Or on your computer screen.

Also available in digital format: 

Schliegelman Saves the Universe (EE's award-winning novelette transformed into a graphic novel starring EE as Schliegelman)

The History of the World in Tweets (What happened, when it happened, and what's so funny about it, in 140 characters)

Face-Lift 1268

Guess the Plot

Misgivings of Pawns

1.  We're supposed to move forward little by little, but what's the point? We almost never make it to the other side. Those rooks and bishops and knights would eat us for lunch. No, we're staying put, it's too dangerous out there.

2. They are treated like pawns by their government. Yet even a lowly pawn can become a knight. Well, in chess anyway. But not in the Valnesian Empire. where they are squashed like bugs.

3. In the nightmarish not-so-distant future, humans have voluntarily subjugated themselves to a ruling elite called the Overseers. One day, 16-year-old Atricia gets too inquisitive about the hierarchy and finds herself in a Correction Camp. A mysterious, barely communicative boy rescues her and takes her to the Outlands, where rebels are preparing to restore humans as rulers of their own destiny. The fate of mankind rests on Atricia's shoulders. But first, she must figure out whether she is a Suzanne Collins character or a Stephenie Meyer character.

4. When the young wife of chess champion Feodor Wadzyk is found strangled in the family garage, homicide detective Zach Martinez knows two things. One, the 80-year-old chess master didn't use his own jock strap to kill the 20 year old model; and two, tonight is family game night, so when his Dad says the goddamn top hat is a hotel, the goddamn top hat is a hotel.

5. It was a mistake to come this close to shore. We could get caught in a net. What? Oh, I thought you said Misgivings of Prawns.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

My name is ________, and I am a recent high school graduate living in ________ in a town called ________. [I know it's unfair, but almost all of the people to whom you might send your query will lose interest after reading the phrase "recent high school graduate. Solution: Omit this sentence. They don't care where you live and if they want to know your name, it's at the bottom of the letter.] [By the way, I haven't been able to figure out what belongs in your second blank. My best guesses:

1. my parents' basement
2. a material world
3. Walmart ]

I am searching for an agent to represent my first book, Misgivings of Pawns, which is a 120,000-word epic fantasy story following a boy named Roland Traske on his journey through The Valnesian Empire. Within this book, I wanted to relate the mental hardships that losing one’s family, home, and way of life can cause while still telling an entertaining story. I ended up with a book that I’d love to read. [Excellent. That's one copy we can count on selling.] Roland, however, is an unwilling adventurer, and although his actions will decide the outcome of a conflict no one in his world saw coming, he’s nowhere near happy about it. Here’s what he has to say…

Hello, my name is Roland Traske, and this book is all about me...

…and how my life collapsed into fire and rubble.

Here, you’ll find the people, places, and events that started everything. I was barely a man in these pages, [Earlier you called him a boy. Tell us his age. Also, if he's a teen we'll be wondering whether you intend the book for a young adult audience or middle grade, or adults.] and The Valnesian Empire was being torn apart by conflicting beliefs and politics that I thought I understood. It only took one day for everything to come to a head and leave me broken, homeless and wandering.

That day and the days after doubtless had the makings of a good story, but as I ran from my ruined home and my ruined life, that was the last thing on my mind. When I fled across The Empire in the backs of wagons and on bleeding feet, I wasn’t worried about the plot. When I arrived in Watching and was sent on a hopeless errand by a desperate Lord, I wasn’t thinking about style. [I'm more interested in whether you were thinking about those things when you wrote the book.] When Fate revealed its own twisted plans for me in a place of death and darkness, I wasn’t dwelling on grammar. When I was gifted and cursed with powers I didn’t understand, I never considered symbolism. When I stood in defense of a city that wasn’t mine, I couldn’t care [have cared] less about character. [However, now that I'm trying to make a buck off my story, I'm told that all this crap I never cared about actually matters. Who knew?] [This is just a list of things that happen in the book (You left your ruined home, fled across the empire, attempted to run an errand, developed a super power and defended a city.) which you appear to be using to explain why your book isn't well-written. It also goes on too long. Three items is the most that should be on a list. Did you notice that my list of places you live had three items? Sure I could have continued:

4. luxury
5. Westeros
6. the psych ward
7. Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood
8. sin
9. a double-wide trailer
10. the funk

but you would have gotten bored.] 

All the way, I carried Pity at my side and a legacy on my back, but I also had a city of death on my conscience. I brought an end to ally and foe alike as I ran from my guilt, and it stung me each time, but I pressed on regardless. Now, looking back, I see that it had to be me. I was the only one who could have done what needed done [doing] and shouldered the weight that brought on. Looking back, I see that it was a good story, but I was the one who had to live every second of it. All I ask is that, as you read, remember that a good story does not always make for a good life and that I lived this one…

Because I’d give anything to change it all. [That whole section is vague. We want to know what happens in your book. What is Roland after? Who is trying to prevent him from getting it? What's his plan? What goes wrong?] 

Roland is a little morose right now, but there may still be hope for him down the road. Included are the ______ of Misgivings of Pawns, the beginning of his story. If you’re interested in the full manuscript, please contact me at this email and let me know. I’m currently preparing for college and working on my second book, Trials of a Knight.

Sincerely,


Notes

I couldn't tell if the section from Roland's point of view was the book's prologue or was an attempt to do something clever. Most agents would rather hear the story from you than from your character. If writing queries from the POV of a character in the book led to frequent success, everyone would do it, and agents would . . .  Well, actually, they would accept it because otherwise they'd have to go back to being editors. But the point is, agents don't want you to be clever, they want to know if you have a good story. Therefor, I recommend boiling your book down to three paragraphs:

1. The setup. Who's the main character and what's his situation when the plot begins to unfold? For instance: As war, pestilence and natural disasters consume the Valnesian Empire, sixteen-year-old Roland Traske watches as a marauding army destroys his home and kills his parents. He flees on foot, hitching an occasional ride on a wagon, and finds his way to the town of Watching, where a podiatrist cures his bleeding feet.

2. The Story. What does he want? Revenge on those who killed his family? To reach Pleasantville? To save his new home from an approaching danger? What's the biggest obstacle to attaining this goal? What's his plan? How does he go about it? What's this power that presumably gives him a chance of succeeding?

3. The Dilemma. What choice must he make when the chips are down? What's the downside of each choice? 


Focus on Roland. Within each paragraph connect ideas with transitions/cause and effect. Each sentence should lead logically to the next. You're telling a story, not making a list. 


Come up with a more intriguing title. I recommend Leon Trotsky: A Life 

New Beginning 1048

Sir Lancelot Knights Academy, New Camelot. Final examination for junior level of knighthood. Please, answer the following questions with clear and short sentences. You have two hours to complete the test.

Cedric took a deep breath and looked at the parchment with the academy’s emblem, a golden dragon wielding a sword.

This is it.

His last written exam as a cadet. If everything went fine, he’d be a knight in a few days. Well, not exactly a knight but a junior one, which meant more years of training. Not that he would complain. He looked forward to it.

He dipped the quill into the ink bottle and wrote in big, bold letters:

Name: Cedric William of Locksbay.

He skimmed through the long parchment. It contained sixty-three questions about every subject he’d studied at Sir Lancelot’s in the past five years. A test easy only for those cadets who had spent the last few weeks cramming. Not Cedric. He’d had other things to take care of.

The first question was about weapon-keeping. Good. Not a problem.

1. Weapon-keeping: The sword of a knight is his most precious ally.

Yes, true enough. Except that for now Cedric used one of the standard blades of the academy. Not a proper one. Anyway. Question number one…

A princess is trapped in a gaping cavern, beset by filthy orcettes, demon women, and dragon ladies 45 miles away. You and your horse can travel eighteen miles per hour. How long before you thrust your sword into hot, throbbing flesh? Show your work. 


Opening: BA.....Continuation: khazar-khum

Face-Lift 1267

Guess the Plot

A Knight's Quest

1. In a vaguely Arthurian setting, Gawain, a newly-knighted lad of 17, sets forth on a knightly quest and does not encounter a sassy princess who must ally with her old enemies, the fae, in order to save her land from the evil Troll-people. He also doesn't need to capture a legendary weapon. Complete at 400 words.

2. When his parents threaten to throw him out, degenerate Kevin reluctantly takes a job at the local medieval fair as their newest knight. Standing in stinking armor all day is hardly "Sir" Kevin's idea of a good time, but after hearing a rumor that Allison, the fair's big-breasted princess wants to puff the magic dragon. Kevin finds himself in a desperate quest to find the sacred herbs.

3. To save his family from bankruptcy, Cedric must rescue the princess from an evil wizard and save the city from an attack by an army of immortal creatures. Hey, no one said being a fifteen-year-old was gonna be easy.

4. The dragon has captured a damsel, and it's up to Sir John to rescue her. Trouble is, his horse is afraid of dragons, his squire suffers from narcolepsy, and his shield had to be duct taped together after the last jousting match. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Sir Lancelot Academy, New Camelot, isn’t for faint hearts. It’s a place where aspiring knights are trained, and fifteen-year-old Cedric is one of them. After years of sparring and archery lessons, he has only one more test to pass to become a knight: the Quest. If he rescues Princess Rhiannon, kidnapped by the dark wizard Mordred, [Change his name to Krissbroun.] Cedric will become a knight and receive an award of three hundred thousand crowns– enough to save his family from bankruptcy. [How did his family manage to get 300,000 crowns in debt?] [Ironically, today one crown would be enough to get them out of bankruptcy, as long as it's an 1847 Queen Victoria "Gothic" crown in mint condition.] 

Problem is Rhiannon might be a [beautiful (like diamonds in the sky)] damsel in distress, but she can deal with it. She escapes from Mordred’s dungeon and in the process saves Cedric’s life too. [I'd get rid of "Problem is."] Well, Cedric is annoyed. Knights are supposed to rescue damsels. Not the other way round. On top of that, Cedric and Rhiannon discovers Mordred’s plan to steal one of the most powerful magical artefact [artifacts] in Britannia: the Grail. Mordred needs it to build an army of dark, immortal creatures and attack the city. [It's always a good idea when building an army of creatures, to give them a three-week life span rather than immortality.]

When Cedric and Rhiannon warn the New Camelot knights, unfortunately they don’t take them seriously. The Grail is protected by state-of-the-art spells, [The term "state of the art" originated in the 20th century.] and stealing it is considered impossible. Not even Mordred can succeed. Determined to protect the city even without the knights’ help, Cedric has to work with Rhiannon to stop Mordred’s plan. [So you're saying Mordred can succeed? Does Cedric know how Mordred can overcome state-of-the-art spells? How does he plan to defeat a powerful wizard?] But if he can deal with a self-rescuer, warrior princess, fighting an evil dark wizard should be a piece of cake. [That's like saying, If he can deal with a perky kitten, a Tyrannosaurus should be a piece of cake.]

A KNIGHT’S QUEST is an upper middle grade fantasy novel, complete at 70,000 words.

Thanks for your time and consideration.


Notes

The query isn't bad, but I'm not sure I buy Cedric's ability to defeat Mordric when he couldn't even rescue Rhiannon.

According to a website I just consulted, titled "Becoming a Knight," the apprentice knight period (aka squire) was ages 14 to 21. Of course that was the real world rather than a fantasy world, but it still seems like 15 is rather young to be going into battle against adult men, much less wizards and dragons. 

If I were the king of New Camelot and my daughter the princess had been abducted by an evil wizard, I wouldn't be sending a kid who wasn't yet a knight to rescue her.

Possibly instead of calling Mordred a dark wizard and his army dark creatures, you should go with evil wizard and savage creatures. I'm not sure what "dark" means when applied to a creature or a wizard. I do know it's good when applied to chocolate.

Face-Lift 1266

Guess the Plot

One Day I Will

1. ...finish that goddamn novel I started for Nanowrimo five years ago, because I always liked that one character but could never quite find the right plot to fit, and now I think I have finally found one that will work.

2. Morton is five. You're five. Right now, Mommy is reading you a book about Morton's mommy telling him he'll do all kinds of cool and big things someday. It feels like you're going to be stuck at five forever. Yes, it's metafiction for the kid lit crowd.

3. Faye has a loveless marriage, hates her friends, and works at Kmart. Understandably, she's suicidal. Then she remembers her longtime dream of becoming a published author and starts working on a novel. If that doesn't push her over the edge, nothing will.

4. ...be a big movie star. Or a professional golfer. Or president. Or at least rich. Or popular. But not today. Today I'm just gonna surf the Internet for cat videos.

5. ...find a husband and start a family. That's what Marion's been telling herself for two decades as she's climbed the corporate ladder while working twelve-hour days. Is it too late?



Original Version

Dear Mr. Evil Editor:

Please consider representing my 70,000-word Women‘s Fiction book [, title]. I’ve researched your agency through Writer’s Market and saw [see] that you handle women’s and literary fiction. [I'd dump this paragraph, put the word count with the title in the next paragraph and change "a mainstream novel" in the next paragraph to "women's fiction."]

One Day I Will is a mainstream novel in a similar vein to Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar or the movie The Good Girl. It is the story of a young woman who must find a way to correct the mistakes she has made in order to improve her life and to save herself from a path of irreversible decline. [I'd move this paragraph to the end. It's general. We're much more interested in the specifics in your plot summary. Also, when you compare your book to Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar or the movie The Good Girl, all I think is: Suicidal poet and romantic comedy actress Jennifer Anniston. If you must compare to something, choose one, preferably a book.]

Faye Harris, a neurotic but cynical and sharp-tongued woman, witnesses a horrific car accident that nearly kills four teenagers. This catalyst leads Faye to question the course of her own life. [Those four teenagers nearly died; I never should have majored in English.] She realizes that it’s been ten years since she graduated high school. Back then she was eagerly ready for anything. Anything but how her life turned out. The bad choices she made over the last decade plague her: marrying young, forgoing college, and relinquishing her dream of being a published novelist. [Aha! So this is autobiographical.] [You have to be a novelist before you can be a published novelist. Has she written a novel?] Her indecision has left her poor, unsuccessful, and complacent. [Bad decisions aren't indecision.]

She now struggles through a loveless marriage to Aaron, the insecure and jealous type, whose idea of a good time is a night of binge drinking and video games. She suffers at a menial and hellish retail job at Kmart, unappreciated by her bitter and chain-smoking boss Mary. The friends she has she hates: her next-door neighbors Matt and Nikki Sweeney, their epic, drunken fights worthy of the show Cops. [If nothing else, reading an entire book about this miserable dispirited woman is sure to make anyone feel better about their own life.] Plus, she feels alienated from her family: her shallow mother Jaclyn and her drug-addled brother Zack--the closest person Faye has to a confidant. 

Faye becomes desperate to find meaning in her life again. She returns to night school and bonds with a fellow classmate who later breaks her heart. Eventually she falls into a suicidal depression [I'm starting to fall into a suicidal depression. Maybe some binge drinking and video games will cheer me up.] and endeavors the cathartic task of finally writing her novel. [Uh oh. I was hoping for at least a mildly uplifting ending, but this is looking bad.] But if she can’t find a way to set things right, [What things?] she will lose herself forever and be doomed to live and die in her small, sheltered town and within her dismal marriage. [Please don't kill yourself. Many of the Evil Minions have been where you are. Tell her, people.]

Set against the backdrop of rural Maryland, One Day I Will explores the strength found in following one’s dreams and in the redemptive powers of art. Female readers will especially enjoy this book and relate to Faye’s universal hardship of a marriage gone bad and of finding love again after years of numbness. [Females who can relate to a marriage gone bad are those who've been in a marriage gone bad. Not a small number, but hardly universal.]

Thank you for your consideration.



Notes

The whole query is about how miserable Faye's life is. You can do that in one paragraph. I can do it in one sentence (After a decade of bad decisions, Faye Harris now struggles through  a loveless marriage and a hellish retail job at Kmart, friendless and alienated from her family.) but you shouldn't try that at home. 

Condensing the misery leaves room to show us how the book explores the strength found in following one’s dreams and in the redemptive powers of art and finding love again after years of numbness. Was the night school classmate an example of finding love again? Or is there a new love you haven't mentioned? Because that first fling didn't exactly turn out well. Is writing her novel an example of the redemptive powers of art? In what way? What's the novel about? Does she try to get it published? If so, how can that possibly make her any less depressed than she already is?

Writing a novel while also holding down a job is going to take a lot of time. She's in a suicidal depression now. I hope she gets some help to get her over the low points.

Maybe it should be called literary fiction. Do you have a story? In which things happen? Basically, a woman tries to find meaning in life by writing a novel? Unless there are some major events you haven't mentioned, I think you need to focus more on what it is Faye has to set right and how she plans to do that. 

Help Wanted

Dear Evil Editor,

The thing about the guess-the-plots is that there are a lot of gems that get missed, since they're not the plot the query is about. This one is from Face-Lift 1222, Kidblog:

Eight-year-old Ricky starts a blog dealing with life at Fontana Elementary school. Tough tests, tough teachers, Tough-Luck Bobby (Maria likes Finn). Meanwhile, mommyblogger Cindy Sharon starts a blog about raising her home-schooled genderneutral child Moon as a vaccine free, gluten free, and religion free vegan. Everything's fine until Ricky and Moon email each other.

I thought this one would be a pretty cool MG novel if the characters were aged up a bit. (Say, from eight to eleven/twelve.) Thing is, realistic fiction is not my forte. So, if the blog readers have any suggestions for a plot I'd be really thankful.

Sincerely,
Minion #621

Q & A

Hey Evil--

Instead of just query letters for novels, maybe you should request that people float their writing ideas in general past the Minions. Got an idea for a story, book, screenplay, Nanovel? Give it a query and send it out for the minions to chomp on. Maybe it will get more material incoming.

Not sure if you mean people should write the query letters for works they haven't finished (or even started), in order to get feedback on the concept rather than the query letter, while also getting feedback on what would be a rough draft of the query letter assuming the book turns out the way they currently envision it--in which case they would be sending standard query letters, or if you mean they should just lay out the concept (not in query-letter format) to get our opinions on how they can improve it or whether they should even bother trying.

I'm okay with either. Anyone who wants input from EE and his minions about anything you're writing or considering writing or have no intention of writing, don't be shy. 

EE is not responsible for anything that happens to anyone as a result of this policy. 

Face-Lift 1265

Guess the Plot

A Byte of Happiness

1. R2D2 and C3PO finally consummate their forbidden love, now that droid marriage is legal on Endor.

2. The adventures of Carl, the Carnivorous Computer.

3. 7 bits was not enough, so Meka-R17 goes on a quest to the Citadel of Code to finally achieve a full byte of happiness. 

4. Lonely Gerald Haney constructs a robot he hopes to mass-market as a nanny, chef, or ???? As he's preparing to meet with investors, his beloved cat dies. His tears fall on a porous surface of Prototype 2.0, a chemical reaction takes place, and suddenly 2.0 is begging Gerald not to duplicate or sell her.

5. When Esmerelda sneaks into her brother's room to find out why he's so obsessed with his old computer from 1998, she gets sucked into the monitor, and ends up trapped in one of his games. Will her brother make her stay, or help her bring home a hidden treasure?

6. Harry Cuza has nearly broken the code for hacking the Bank of Romania database. He only needs one more character, but with 256 choices, he's afraid the wrong value will bring Interpol to his door. Instead it brings the Vampire Apocalypse.

7. As the only woman in her software engineering department, Morgan gets no respect from her coworkers or her boss. Well, except Roger. How can she justify bringing down the company with a sexual harassment lawsuit when she can barely keep her clothes on when Roger's around?  



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

In 1998, with Internet technologies gaining momentum, Morgan Turner discovers that her recently acquired electrical engineering degree is enough to get her unexpectedly reassigned to a software department on her first day of work. [What department was she originally assigned to? Did they hire her not knowing she had this degree?]

She is the only female engineer in the entire department, and her new coworkers’ reactions range from apathetic to hostile regarding her lack of programming knowledge and, not that they would admit it, her gender. [Being apathetic about her gender is a good thing, right?] Her oppressive boss, Dave, makes it clear from her first day that he views her as the team’s secretary, which forces her to fight for every scrap of technical work she gets. [No one wants her there, and it's not even her field, and presumably the department she was originally hired by needs her. Whose decision was it that she should be reassigned?] One of the established software architects, Roger, becomes her advocate, and what begins as a mentorship evolves into a deeper connection.

Morgan is determined to be accepted in her male-dominated team, and to keep her clothes on around Roger. If she succumbs to temptation, she might find her promising career [You haven't made her career sound at all promising.] over before it even begins. [The first rule of the software department is: You don't take your clothes off around Roger. The second rule of the software department is: You don't take your clothes off around Roger.]

A BYTE OF HAPPINESS is a completed, fun, [If you want us to know it's fun, show is in your plot summary.] coming of age, [What age is Morgan "coming of"? She's already an adult. Does the book begin when she's a kid? Even if it does, I wouldn't call it this unless you show the arc of her growth in the query.] 108,000 word women’s fiction novel. It will appeal to fans of Sophia Kinsella [Sophie. Not knowing how the author you're comparing your book to spells her name may suggest that you've never actually read her books.] and Jennifer Weiner, while adding the comical, collegial interactions reminiscent of The Office. [If the book is comical, showing it with an amusing event or a lighter tone is better than mentioning a TV show.] It features a strong female protagonist in a STEM field. [You've shown us this; no need to tell us. Though you could make the "strong" part more obvious. She does fight for work and she's determined and she resists, but I worry that Roger will be instrumental in her success. What does she accomplish through her strength?] Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

It's well-written, but it's not exactly compelling. All you've done is describe the situation Morgan finds herself in at the beginning (I assume) of the book. We want to know some of the important things that happen. Aka the plot. Do you have a story to tell? 

What's Morgan's main goal? To change the mindset of the company so other women don't experience what she has? To gain the acceptance of the men in her department? To punish the sexists who are making her miserable? What's her plan for achieving her main goal? What goes wrong? Does she have a Plan B? What will happen if that fails?

Condense your entire summary into one three-sentence paragraph (possibly starting with the first sentence of my Guess the Plot). That'll leave room for two more paragraphs telling us what happens in your book.

Pluto!!

This image of Pluto you've probably seen by now.

But thanks to relatively primitive technology known as the magnifying glass, 

I've been able to take a closer look at the photograph. 

Specifically I zoomed in on the rectangular area marked below.

What I found looks like more than the expected rock formations and desert tundras.

In fact, using a microscope set on low power, I managed to get the following shot from near the center of the previous shot:

Looks like some kind of crystal formations.

This next one was on medium power:

And on high power:

I photographed this image, then blew up the section in the upper right corner:

Another zoom into that upper right corner, plus photo enhancement, revealed: