Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1536 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

I would like you to [Please] consider representing my novel THE LIE-BOUND LEGACY, a dual-pov high fantasy, complete at 117,000 words. I am submitting to you because... 

Raised in the isolation of a vast forest, Jaycob has grown up on his father’s stories of the world beyond the Rive, the vast wall that divides the continent. When his father vanishes, Jaycob is certain he’s trapped on the other side, and he’s determined to follow. 

His chance comes when he rescues Tallia, a young diplomat from the other side, stranded after her mission ends in disaster. In exchange for his protection, she offers him passage across the Rive and help finding his father. But once they cross, Jaycob discovers her homeland is on the brink of ruin, locked in a ten-year war with a rival nation. 

As Tallia searches for allies, guided by the magic of an ancient relic, Jaycob hides his human identity in a land where discovery means death - not to mention never seeing his father again. [Why does Jaycob think his father is stupid enough to go to a place where being discovered means death?] But their fragile alliance is threatened when Tallia unearths a devastating truth: her empire was built on the violent exile of the Lakersh, concealed for centuries. [Is Jaycob a Lakersh?] [It's hard to read the word Lakersh without thinking of the Los Angeles Lakers.]

Jaycob longs to act on the truth, [By doing what? For all I can tell he's a 16-year old kid. And he's gonna go to war against half of the continent? A half that has magic?] but doing so would mean betraying Tallia, the only companion he’s found since his father vanished, and his only hope of finding him again. Yet as she pulls him deeper into her fight to save her empire, Jaycob begins to see that he matters beyond his father’s shadow, and that his choices could reshape a world on the brink. [Give an example of a choice he has to make that could reshape a world.] 

Now, with an empire’s fate in the balance, Jaycob and Tallia must decide whether to uphold the lies that built their world, or risk everything to end a cycle of bloodshed that’s lasted a thousand years. 

A story of familial duty, self-determination, and the weight of inherited legacy, The Lie-Bound Legacy stands alone but leaves room for continuation. It combines the moral awakening and buried truths of M.L. Wang's Blood Over Bright Haven with the high fantasy adventure of Victoria Aveyard's Realm Breaker.

Where were the Lakersh exiled to? Jaycob's side of the Rive? I get the impression this continent has only two places: the side of the Rive with humans, and the side with no humans. Can you convince us that Jaycob has any chance of doing anything that will affect the side with no humans? I mean, if this were two sides of a small island nation, and he were Superman, maybe, but a continent?