Face-Lift 1471

Guess the Plot

The Cineres Incident

1. When his New Latin website garners a DDOS handle, Vox goes out and buys whiskey, tinfoil, and a sheet and becomes Tinhat Toga-man, saver of lost kittens, capturer of escaped balloons, and garnerer of 100K views on a viral video of his antics.

2. High school senior and international superspy Lydia Summers must stop the evil Dr. Cineres from incinerating the planet with his giant space laser, or she'll never get asked to prom by her crush.

3. A revolutionary organization kidnaps a high school class and feeds them food containing the magic-giving cineres plant. Their plan: convince the kids to use their new magical abilities to help them change the world. But for good or evil?

4. When the cruise ship Cineres is lost at sea, carrying 9,000 passengers, conspiracy theorists blame pirates or some mystical portal like the Bermuda Triangle. When it eventually drifts ashore on the coast of Chile, everyone is relieved . . . until they discover it's empty.

5. Starship captain Jannic Dinic crash lands his scout pod on the planet Cineres, where all the planets in the galaxy exile their most dangerous criminals. Now Dinic must convince hundreds of thousands of serial killers to accept him as their leader before they accept him as their dinner.

Original Version

I am seeking representation for 99,000 word THE CINERES INCIDENT, a standalone YA contemporary fantasy with series potential. It provides a more youthful spin on The Project by Courtney Summers and will appeal to readers of All of us Villains by Amanda Foody and Christine Lynn Herman in the arcs of morally conflicted characters. [It's usually best to put this stuff at the end of the query. Also, on the off chance the person reading your query hasn't read The Project, you might mention something specific about that book that  is getting a more youthful spin. Some theme or plot point, for instance. Not sure I like "the arcs" as the appealing aspect of the second comp title. "Its empathetic treatment" (if accurate) sounds better.]

Fifteen-year-old Eloise May will stop at nothing to escape the revolutionary organization Disconformity. She may have chosen to go with them, but that doesn’t mean she agrees with their plans to change the world, forcing those able worldwide to gain magical abilities. [Why do people need to be forced to gain magical abilities? Nobody doesn't want magical abilities.] She went only in order to save a friend, as the other one  [a member] of her kidnapped class whose abilities hadn’t yet developed. Disconformity didn’t require allegiance but rather that she [Eloise] be willing to go, and she is willing – willing, that is, to get everyone home. [Apparently everyone in Eloise's class was  kidnapped, except Eloise, who announced to the kidnappers that she would willingly go along for the ride, but that she was not officially kidnapped. And they agreed to this.]

Along with her group of other kidnapped kids, she tries again and again to escape Cherith, their group's leader, and again and again they’re stopped. [Apparently the kidnappers have now decided that Eloise was officially kidnapped.] In the middle of their closest escape yet, Ellie comes to realize that leaving isn’t possible. She has to join them as they want, stay forever, or bring down Disconformity itself -that, or be hunted for the rest of her life. [That's four choices. More than most characters get in these books.

Choice 1. Join Disconformity, the ones who kidnapped her class. The bad guys.]

Choice 2. Stay forever. As Disconformity's hostage? She'd be a burden eventually, they'd have to kill her.

Choice 3. Bring down Disconformity. I vote for this one, assuming she has a viable plan.

Choice 4. Be hunted for the rest of her life. [I find it hard to believe an organization with plans to change the world would drop everything to hunt down a 15-year-old girl for the rest of her life. Although, as she's determined that leaving is impossible, I don't see why they would need to hunt her at all. They already have her.] She decides that, if her suspicions are correct and others in Disconformity are planning a revolt, they are the only way to truly free everyone. However, Ellie knows that her group may not believe in such an uncertain hope or have the patience to wait, so she chooses to go against the plan she formed, betraying everyone. 

Choice 5. Betray everyone and do nothing, hoping some members of Disconformity revolt and take her with them.] She must give up on the loyalty she once believed defined her if she hopes to make it out of Disconformity. [Is that Choice 6?]

__________

[The Cineres Plant is the magic-giving plant Disconformity uses to cause so much drama.] [If it's the plant that gives the magical abilities, and Disconformity provides the plant, then none of the students' abilities had developed when they were kidnapped. Yet you claim Eloise and her friend are the only ones whose abilities haven't developed. Unless . . . was she attending a school for kids with genetic proclivity for magical ability?]

Notes

I'm guessing everyone else in the class went willingly, presumably because the idea of acquiring magical powers appealed to them? Which suggests that the students were duped rather than kidnapped. The duping part being that Disconformity told them they were gaining powers for the good of the planet, but it was actually for the good of Disconformity. If I'm wrong, change the book to make me right.

I must admit your heroine's decision to betray everyone, go against her plan, and give up on the loyalty that once defined her, wasn't my guess as the choice she would ultimately make. Kudos for not being predictable. Of course, if she eventually saves the day and brings down Disconformity, you may want to hint that this is a possibility so she doesn't come across as a selfish quitter who abandons her friends.

I don't find this query clear at all. How does Disconformity want to change the world? Are they the only ones who have cineres plants? How do they choose the people they recruit? What do they want people with magical abilities to use them for? Is Eloise the only person trying to stop them? Is there hope for us now that Eloise has betrayed us? What would it take to bring down Disconformity? What will happen if no one brings them down? 

Start like this:

When three buses pull up outside Eloise May's school during recess, and a loudspeaker announces that anyone who wants to can ditch school, board the buses, and go to a special place where they'll develop magical abilities, the buses immediately fill to capacity. The students are whisked to a remote, walled-in encampment run by evil overlords calling themselves Disconformity. This organization plans to use their captives' magical abilities to rule the world. 

Realizing they've been duped, the students attempt to escape, led by Eloise. But the moat surrounding the encampment is filled with sharks and crocodiles, and escape proves impossible.

You can take it from there.