It sang with a sweet high pitch then tore into my shoulder.
"Oh God, I'm hit!"
I fell into the pool, clutching my bleeding shoulder, then sank under. It was peaceful under the water.
My wife must have dove in after me,she pulled my head above the water, screaming "911 911! NOW!"
She dragged me to the pool edge where my half tanked neighbors reached out dragging me over the hard tile and applied pressure to the wound.
There I lay poolside, stunned, wanting to stay conscious. I was failing. I needed to stay on this plane.
My wife screaming, "Stay with me, don't you close your eyes!"
The paramedics arrived. Fast and efficient they determined I was in no threat of death.
I was hearing laughter, someone offering them a drink.
The big paramedic, the one in charge, leaned over me, slapped my face lightly and with a big grin informed me I was fine. I had been hit with a red paint ball.
I sat up. Looked at my shoulder. Apart from a bruise I was fine. The pool party continued with great hoots, slaps on the back as I scanned the house wanting to hurt the kid inside who hit me with the red paint ball.
He was lucky his father got to him before I did. When I heard the kid over the paddling he was getting I smiled and asked for an ice filled glass of club soda. You know, it is best served cold. That would be revenge.
“Oh God, it’s a heart attack!”
I fell into the pool again, clutching my aching chest, then sank under. It was still peaceful under the water.
My wife must have dove in after me, she pulled my head above the water, screaming, “Are those paramedics still here?!”
The big paramedic, the one in charge, leaned over me, slapped my face lightly and with a big grin informed me I was fine. It was indigestion.
I sat up. Opened my mouth and let loose a loud belch. Instantly I felt better.
I was hearing laughter again, but I ignored it. I was more concerned with the smoke from the barbecue grill, which wafted into my face, sending me into a coughing fit. Holy Crap! I had lung cancer!
Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: JRMosher
My wife screaming . . . is present tense. The rest is past tense. was screaming or screamed or I heard my wife screaming.
Several nitpicky errors: Hyphen needed in "half-tanked" and "ice-filled." Comma after "efficient." Change "threat of death" to "danger of dying." Change comma in "My wife must have dove in after me,she pulled my head above to a period or semicolon.
Not crazy about the last two sentences. Revenge, I believe, is achieved by the person wronged. This is more like justice. Also, the "revenge" is the paddling, not the club soda, and the paddling is not cold, though I suppose that's the joke? If you insist on revenge, I'd just say, "It's true what they say: revenge is best served cold. (Although I'd go with ice cream instead of club soda.)
I have a reservation about the passage - an adult wanting to hurt a kid is possibly not a the best opening gambit. Sure, the fellow's dignity was hurt and he nearly drowned...but I wonder whether that's the best intro to your MC...unless you want him to come across as having little self restraint and a vindictive streak? I sincerely hope that he just walks away and forgets the silly kid.
Otherwise, perhaps make the paintball thrower an adult, his buddy, and then all bets are off...let the games begin!
Thanks, all points well taken.
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