Thursday, October 22, 2015

New Beginning 1049


The darkness was overwhelming. It made his entire world. There was no way to anticipate where the next pain, probe or pinch would come from.

His attacker never spoke, except through actions. Caresses ended with pain. Bite marks covered his entire body but were then covered with kisses.

Love and hate combined as one; becoming neither.

His world of darkness hides a bundle of rags for a bed and a couple of dishes for food and water, similar to a dog’s. They were always full of fresh food and water; yet no one appeared to fill them. There were four walls and what felt like a door that had no handle on this side of the room. No matter how high he reached or jumped, he could not touch a ceiling or window.

He knew of these from his last life, when he had a family, or so he imagined in the darkest moments.

He seems to remember a mother; all loving and warm with kisses and hugs and peanut butter cookies and pushing him high on the swing. He remembers or imagines being tucked into bed and cuddled with stories of dragons and knights in shining armour who conquer all evil. THEY WERE LIES!

"Excuse me!" He shouted. "Can anybody hear me?" No one replied.

"A blanket," he said. "I just need a blanket! It's so, so cold in here." But his pleas went unnoticed as the room hummed and shook around him.

He brought his knees up to his chin, tried to make himself as small as possible, tried to ignore the pain. It was to no avail. There was to be no release, until... Until the journey was over.

And as though this were not punishment enough, he'd had to pay $30 to check his suitcase.


Opening: DW.....Continuation: ril



7 comments:

Evil Editor said...

Unchosen continuation"


It was those very emptiness and lies that causes him to have came here to seek the truth. But instead of confronting the lies, and exposing the flaws, his subject toyed with him. The captor taunts him for power and entertainment, coarse spoken and lion maned. But it is for the mother he barely remembers that he endures this. It is the quest for truth that brought him from the bright warmth of CNN to the dark coldness of Trump Tower.

--Anon.

Evil Editor said...

This is mostly in past tense, with at least three sentences in present. I think it would work better all in present, but that may not be viable for the entire book. In any case, I'd be consistent.

I do want to read on to see what's up.

Not crazy about "pinch" on the list with pain and probe. I can't respect a villain who slips in just to pinch the narrator.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't read on unless this was from an author I trusted with this sort of scene. Anyone else, I don't know the character well enough to want to be trapped in a dark room with them. From a new author, it smacks of White Room Syndrome.

If I was in the mood to read on anyway, I'd be looking for the current situation to be changing. If it descends into more backstory, I'd probably walk away.

With no visuals, you have an opportunity to give us more visceral description. What does the place smell like? Unwashed human? Is there a chamber pot? What's the character wearing? What kind of food is it? Porridge? Kibbles? Do the walls feel like stone? Wood? Concrete? What about the floor? What's the ambient temperature? How big is the place? If the character's been here long enough, he probably knows by heart how far he can pace without bumping into the walls. That's not to say list those things, but maybe interact with them as you explain the predicament.

There seems to be a certain amount of repetition. If you're doing this for stylistic reasons, carry on. Otherwise, I'd suggest tightening up what you have and adding a bit more.

Anonymous said...

I think you can make a stronger beginning than "Noun was adjective" as your first sentence. Continuing, "There was no way to anticipate..." could be improved with a more active construction.

The shifts in tense are clumsy.

I can't say I wouldn't read on, but that's because of my tastes, not yours.

AlaskaRavenclaw said...

Here is the problem.

I don't know who "he" is.

I don't know where he is, nor why's he's there, nor what he's doing.

This gives me absolutely nothing to invest in.

There's an old saying that a story should open with someone interesting doing something interesting. It's possible you've got that here, but in order to show it, you'll have to tell us who it is and what he's doing.

davefragments said...

I like some of what I read. I think it just isn't dramatic the way you arranged it.
I would keep most of it but with rearrangements. The first paragraph is his immediate surroundings. The second is hit attacker (who is very odd and not what the reader expects). The third paragraph is his memories and doubts.

His world {…} hides a bundle of rags for a bed and a couple of dishes. They were always full of fresh food and water; yet no one appeared to fill them. There were four walls and what felt like a door that had no handle {…}. No matter how high he reached or jumped, he could not touch a ceiling or window.

The darkness was overwhelming. It made his entire world. There was no way to anticipate where the next pain, probe or pinch would come from. His attacker never spoke, except through actions. Caresses ended with pain. Bite marks covered his entire body but were then covered with kisses.

He {...} remember a mother; all loving and warm with kisses and hugs and peanut butter cookies and pushing him high on the swing. He remembers or imagines being tucked into bed and cuddled with stories of dragons and knights in shining armour who conquer all evil. He knew of these from his last life, when he had a family, or so he imagined in the darkest moments. THEY WERE LIES!


The {...} are deletions. I didn't touch tense or change your words. I only altered the order of the words.
I do agree that past paragraph should be consistent tense.

Mister Furkles said...

This is just one reader's view:

The prose is good enough; it's the story telling that needs attention.

It's 200 words and 120 words could cover it better. Alaska is right, there is nothing here for the reader to feel invested. We don't even know the character's species, except for mother's peanut butter. Until the last paragraph, it could be a blind dog at a vet clinic.

As Anonymous says, if the character is in pitch dark, there are still four senses to consider.

If I were in a bookstore, and read this as my only info on the novel, I'd put it back on the shelf and move on to some other book.

Paragraph three is devoid of useful information; this is not the place for philosophical narrative. Combine the first two paragraph into one of no more than fifty words. Delete the third. Then start telling a story. Readers like mysteries but only in some context. Context-free mysteries are of no interest.