Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1477 would like feedback on the following version of the query:

I seek representation for Songs of the Empaths, a 75,000-word science fiction/fantasy novel blending historical intrigue, futuristic adventure, and rich ensemble storytelling.

It is the 23rd century in the authoritarian League. Sixteen-year-old Kati lives a miserable life, bullied at school and friendless. After Kati has a grand mal seizure in the lunchroom, her mother reveals that it wasn’t a true seizure: Kati is an empath with dormant but powerful time-splitting abilities that threaten the League's already tenuous grasp on its citizens. Her mother urges Kati to escape to the Western Territories, where empaths can train freely and use their supernatural abilities.  [I don't like the first sentence of this paragraph. If I said it's the 23rd century in the National Football League, you'd wonder what century it is in the NBA. More specific to your book, I'm wondering what century it is in the Western Territories. Maybe it would help if I knew what the League is. Country? Empire? State? Union of the Eastern Territories? Is it on planet Earth? Does it have a name, like we call France "France" instead of "the Country"? If you start: It is the 23rd century. Sixteen-year-old Kati lives a miserable life in the authoritarian League, bullied etc., I'll no longer wonder if the League is the only place where it's the 23rd century. I still don't know exactly what the League is, but you can sneak that in somewhere if you want to.]

Once in the Western Territories, Kati forms telepathic connections with a group of empaths from different historical eras. Together, they create a "coterie," a mental network that enables them to share thoughts, emotions, and supernatural empathic abilities across time and space. Kati's powerful coterie includes a 14th-century Franciscan monk with the power of persuasion, a brilliant polyglot with the near sight, a boy-wonder physicist, and an epilepsy and empath researcher. [I Googled "the near sight." Google thinks I mean nearsightedness. Maybe I should have tried Bing. You could say with the ability to . . . whatever]

The timeline faces an existential threat: rogue 21st-century time splitter Jaya teleports [in]to the League, inadvertently causing dangerous "time quakes." Only another time splitter backed by a powerful coterie can return Jaya. Kati—her coterie telepathically in tow[, and her time-splitting power now awakened,]--and a small band of Western Clansmen embark[s] on a dangerous journey to the League. Their mission: is clear: they must rescue Jaya from League territory,[and] return her to her rightful era, and prevent [before] the timeline from unraveling[s]. 

Even as the team assembles for their mission, Kati is insecure and deeply conflicted. She longs to prove herself to her coterie, [and] the [Western] Clanspeople, and the bullies from school, but she worries that the Western Clans have overestimated her powers and the mission will fail. When the time quakes intensify, Kati must decide whether to cast her doubts aside, trust her abilities, and lead her team—or risk losing everything. [Or? She risks everything either way. It seems to me the choice is between letting the timeline unravel or trying to prevent it. Assuming the unraveling is a bad thing, the choice is obvious. Of course, if the unraveling could lead to a new timeline in which empaths aren't treated like dirt, maybe she does have a dilemma.]

The narrative unfolds from the perspectives of five main characters, including the coterie members and Jaya. [The coterie plus Jaya = 6. Which one doesn't get to be the POV character?] Immersive backstory chapters illuminate each character's journey and desires. Songs of the Empaths will appeal to those interested in Jimenez's The Vanished Birds ensemble storytelling and the hero's journey found in Kingfisher's A Wizard's Guide to Defensive Baking. 

I am a retired XXX professor who lives in XXX, near XXX, with my husband and our toy poodle. I am currently enrolled in Stanford's Memoir Certificate program. Thank you for considering my work; I look forward to hearing from you.

 

It's an improvement, though a bit long. You could drop the last paragraph. 

I made a lot of suggestions, but they're mostly minor things. 

Are the coterie members (besides the monk) 23rd-century people? If so, are they going on the mission? If not, what do they do? Give Kati advice? Are they all in Kati's head, arguing with each other about what she should do next, until the monk finally persuades her to go with his ideas?

Face-Lift 1479

Guess the Plot

The White Rabbit

1. I'm late! I'm late! I'm late! But why was the rabbit so late? Find out in this gripping tale of foxes, turtles, and doves.

2. The notorious terrorist known only as the White Rabbit is killing top executives at major corporations. It's up to one disillusioned ad agency employee to stop the killer . . . but should he wait till after the Rabbit takes out Elon Musk? 

3. Having accidentally lured one unsuspecting girl down into Wonderland, the white rabbit now seeks to do so on purpose, not for human trafficking, but because.... Ok, technically it is human trafficking, but not in a bad way. 

4. It was just a sweet white rabbit, couldn't hurt a fly, but Carrie's dad said she couldn't keep it. Of course Carrie keeps the rabbit anyway, hiding it in her closet when her dad's at home. When a fire breaks out, the rabbit makes scratching noises to alert the family. Will dad admit to being a jerk and let Carrie have her bunny?

5. When a hookah-smoking caterpillar gives Bob and Bev the call, they drop their rabbit-chasing quest just in time to avoid falling off a cliff. Also, a talking dormouse.

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Former adjunct professor turned copywriter Ennio Mastroianni has been sentenced to advertising. Trapped in the office of a cult-like ad agency where employees resign by jumping out the window to their deaths, he spends his days contemplating a “no smoking and no suicides” sign in the bathroom, suffering through a Sisyphean revision process of the company blog, and clashing with coworkers in virtual meetings where the other party is [parties are?] only a few steps away. [You've described my day, except I don't have the bathroom sign or meetings with coworkers.] [I googled ad agency blog, and pretty much everything that came up was for "marketing" agencies. Apparently that's how they now prefer to market themselves. Also, I went to few random websites, and found Facebook, X, Instagram, and YouTube links, but nothing about blogs. By the time your book is published, company blogs may be extinct. Even if they aren't, the sign and virtual meetings are enough to get the point across, and we need to shorten a few sentences, so let's drop Sisyphus and his blog. (I got your second sentence down to a nice round fifty words.)]

When a client is exposed for waterboarding and illegally detaining US citizens, [In that order? If they're waterboarding people, it goes without saying that they're detaining them. Plus we just saved another three words.] the agency asks Ennio to clean up the client’s image while a mysterious anti-capitalist terrorist known as the White Rabbit wages war on business, gunning down corporate executives and causing stock prices to plummet. [Just because they're happening at the same time doesn't mean they belong in the same sentence. End the sentence after "image," and change "while" to "Meanwhile."] To calm the market, the agency insists that Ennio carpet bomb the airwaves with a militant ad campaign to counterattack the terrorist. 

[CEO 1: This ruthless terrorist is basically a savage serial killer. We need to stop him.

 CEO 2: I suggest an ad campaign designed to ruin his reputation.]

[For someone who was complaining about his boring job, Ennio seems to get a lot of big-time assignments.] ["Counterattack" seems like the wrong word to me, or maybe I just feel like the military comparisons are being overworked. How about "neutralize" or "retaliate against"? Actually, no word will convince the reader that an ad campaign is an effective response to a murder spree. Which may be the point in the book, but not be clear in the query.] Caught between his paycheck and his moral integrity, Ennio questions his role in rebranding war crimes, [Perhaps I was wrong to promote waterboarding as the most eco-friendly form of torture.] growing disillusioned and desperate for termination. 

However, after a jealous coworker’s sabotage backfires, Ennio is ironically promoted to the agency V-suite, sinking him deeper into a bizarre and corrupt company culture. Now in the White Rabbit’s crosshairs, he must escape before advertising takes his soul—and the White Rabbit takes his life.   

Complete at 72,000 words, The White Rabbit is a work of literary fiction that appropriates conventions of thrillers and action, satirizing the absurdities of modern jobs while exploring the moral compromises we make for our careers. The novel examines the power (and limitations) of language and storytelling. It would appeal to readers who appreciate Kafkaesque anti-work stories like Ling Ma’s Severance and Hilary Leichter’s Temporary. [I wonder what Kafka and Sisyphus would think about their names being turned into adjectives. Once your book becomes a classic, people who quit their jobs to take on terrorists will be described as Mastroiannical.]

I hold an MFA in creative writing from Wilkes University and teach American literature at Thomas Jefferson University. My short fiction has appeared in Pithead Chapel, The Big Click, and Mulberry Fork Review. 

Please find the first ten pages of the manuscript below.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

Notes

I suppose if you're trying to sell literary fiction it's not a bad idea to demonstrate that you can  coherently handle 45- and 60+-word sentences, but a few 10-worders thrown in for variety and to give the reader a break are also a good idea.

This seemed okay as it was, but you aren't paying Evil Editor for praise, you're paying him for nitpicking. Which leads me to wonder whether an adjunct professor-turned-copywriter isn't, by definition, a "former" adjunct professor. For purposes of the query you could just call him copywriter Ennio Mastroianni. Another 4 words saved.

Face-Lift 1478

Guess the Plot

Wild Lines

1. The election was Tuesday, but some voters are still waiting in lines that extend for miles, hoping to cast votes they think might change the outcome they heard about on their i-phones.

2. When fifteen-year-old Edigailia notices wrinkles by her eyes, she panics. Is it a curse? Too much partying? Only the commoner witch Ephenero holds the answer, but Edi can't directly contact her, because royals and commoners do not mix.

3. In the post-apocalyptic world, America has fractured into numerous countries separated from one another by "lines" of wilderness patrolled by brutal, depraved monsters who destroy anyone who enters their domain. Captured by these savages and taken to their capital, one man can save the continent from being destroyed by a powerful ancient weapon . . . if he can first escape from the clutches of . . . The Emperor!

4. One year after graduating law school, Jason is overworked and under-appreciated at a top law firm. His housemate convinces him that cocaine will help him get through the rough times. One

month later Jason is unemployed and miserable, and wondering if heroin will help him get through the rough times.

5. When Earth's lines of latitude and longitude mysteriously vanish, it's up to one teenaged cartographer to prevent chaos in the shipping and travel industries.

Original Version

Dear [AGENT],

First Lieutenant Bear Blakely crosses the Lines for a living. Lawless post-apocalyptic borders surrounding the former states of the now defunct USA, these thin strings of wilderness are home to the Liners; [:] savages who rule from their captured capital of Cincinnati and devote their lives to destroying those who intrude upon their domain.

Motivated in unequal parts by patriotism and the promise of extreme hazard pay, Bear volunteers to transport technology with the potential to reunite the fractured continent. He must lead a group [squad? team?] of soldiers from Roanoke, Virginia across the verdant ruinous landscape to The Republic of Chicago, crossing through and into countries that push both his ability to survive and to lead to the limits. [I wouldn't describe a landscape as "verdant ruinous." One of those words suggests grassy meadows, and the other has me thinking war zone rubble.] 

Far from both the beginning and the end of their journey, Bear and his soldiers are waylaid by Liners armed with technology beyond anything they’ve ever seen. [When you're transporting crates of slingshots to your allies, only to find your enemies have bazookas and machine guns, it's time to abandon the mission.] Captured and brought to the Liner stronghold in Cincinnati, Bear confronts the man responsible for the brutality and depravity of the monsters haunting the dark spaces between the countries: The Emperor of the Lines. [I guess that's a better title for him than Head Linesman. Actually, it sounds like a good name for that machine that calls the lines in a tennis match.] [He confronts him? That's like Batman confronting Thanos with a batarang.]

Held captive in the rich and deadly metropolis of Cincinnati, Bear learns of unexpected forces wielding an ancient biological weapon potent enough to threaten the entire continent. All he has to do is escape the city nobody ever leaves. [I don't see why that's all he has to do. Shouldn't he also have to destroy the weapon, or steal the advanced technology? Save the continent?]

Complete at 130,000 words, WILD LINES is a science-fiction thriller and is the first book in a trilogy. It combines the vehicular insanity in Mad Max, the darkly relatable protagonist's humor from The Murderbot Diaries, and the surreal horror in The Dark Tower series.

Notes

Most of what I've said is nitpicking. Possibly what I've written below is too, but here goes:

Bear has two goals. First, make it to Chicago with some sort of technology. He fails; he may get there eventually, but not with his technology. Second, escape from Cincinnati, a place no one ever leaves. Now that he's been captured, and the Liners are laughing at his obsolete technology, we don't much care if he escapes. He needs a third goal we can root for him to accomplish.

How can no one ever leave Cincinnati? What about truck drivers who deliver food and fuel? What about Liners who bring their captives to the Emperor? What about the Bengals and Reds when they have road games?

I'm thinking you can have Bear imprisoned in Cincinnati within 25,000 words. Some hints about what goes on the the next 1o5,000 might be helpful. Maybe he has a decision to make after he escapes: on to Chicago empty-handed, or back to Roanoke for more slingshots. Also 130,000 is a lot of words. Maybe you could cut out 40,000 words worth of vehicular insanity.

In post apocalyptic America, soldiers trying to get from Virginia to Chicago are captured by savages and imprisoned in Cincinnati, never to be heard from again. That's everything I know about the plot, though I may have left out something important. Oh yeah, both sides have some "technology."

The most dangerous part of any trip in your world is crossing Lines. You seem to have them crossing lines into West Virginia, Ohio, Indiana, and Illinois. Four Lines. They could travel from VA to southern Kentucky, then go west all the way to southern Illinois. Two Lines. Takes longer, but better to be late than to never arrive because you're stuck in Cincinnati. 

These Liners who "devote their lives to destroying those who intrude upon their domain" don't seem like the type to transport Bear and his crew to Cincinnati when they can just kill them.

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Face-Lift 1477

Guess the Plot

Songs of the Empaths

1. "If you could read my mind," by Gordon Lightfoot. "Feel me" by Selena Gomez. Read My Mind," by The Killers. "I feel you," by Depeche Mode. "See me, feel me," by The Who.

2. Tired of humanity treating them like aliens, four empathic women form a Spice Girls tribute group, and tour Europe seeking acceptance. 

3. On a distant world, an exploration party comes across weird ruins with alien music playing over and over. The melody spreads throughout humanity driving everyone mad--not crazy, no, humans are used to ear worms. It's the aliens who will pay the price.

4. In a future where everyone is either normal or an empath, one empathic teenager is tasked with preventing time from unraveling--if she can avoid being thrown into the infamous Prison for Empaths. Also, a 14th-century Franciscan monk.

5. The empaths from the planet Torkon V are known for their mesmerizing voices. Also for their delicious organ meats. Will the newly arrived explorers from Earth treat them as entertainment? Or as dinner?

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

I seek representation for Songs of the Empaths, a 75,000-word science fiction novel.

Kati is a 16-year-old empath living in the 23rd century. In a world split between empaths and neurotypicals, empathic activities—like emotion and mind reading and mental persuasion—are banned by the authoritarian League. [If "emotion and mind reading" is one thing, I'd change it to "mind and emotion reading," as "mind reading" is often interpreted as a magic trick, like when a magician says think of a playing card and you think of the five of clubs, and then he cuts open a lemon, and there's a playing card inside and it's the five of clubs. Maybe just go with mind penetration and mental persuasion, which has the added bonus that it rhymes.] [If the empaths / neurotypicals split is about 50 / 50, the empaths could argue that they are the neurotypicals.]

Kati escapes the League's capital, Patriot City, to the Begelah tribe in the Western Territories. [If she hasn't been using banned empathic activities, why would she need to "escape"? Seems like the more empaths who leave the capital willingly, the happier the neurotypicals would be.] Here, empaths can openly develop and use their abilities. She forms deep mental connections with a diverse group of empaths from different historical eras, including Bernard, a 14th-century Franciscan monk skilled in the power of persuasion, [I wouldn't mind forming deep mental connections with a 14th-century Franciscan monk.]  [Just kidding.] and Anna, a brilliant polyglot from the 21st century. Together, they create a super mind called a "coterie," sharing thoughts, emotions, and, most importantly, their supernatural empathic abilities. 

As tensions rise between the League and the Begelah, a twist of fate brings Jaya, a 21st-century empath, into Kati's timeline. Jaya's arrival causes "time quakes" that threaten to unravel the entire timeline. Begelah spies discover that the League has coerced Jaya into using her powers as a shield against Begelah attacks. Merri, Seer of the Begelah, urges Kati to return to Patriot City and free Jaya from the infamous Prison for Empaths. Reluctant at first, Kati is driven to action when the League captures her mother. [No need to bring mother into the negotiation when you can just have Bernard persuade Kati to act.]

Kati returns to Patriot City with a small band of Begelah warriors, drawing on Bernard's powers of persuasion and her coterie's other unique abilities to outmaneuver the League soldiers along the way. 

[Soldiers: Hey, where do you empaths think you're going?

Bernard: I assure you it would be to your advantage to ignore these armed warriors.

Soldiers: What armed warriors?]

Their mission is clear: rescue Jaya from the Prison of the Empaths [In the previous paragraph it was called the Prison for Empaths. Not crazy about either name; considering the title of the book, you might call it Sing Sing.] and return her to her rightful time. This will stop the time quakes and give the Begelah the upper hand in the war. [What about freeing Kati's mom? Is that part of the mission?] 

The narrative unfolds through the perspectives of five main characters, including Jaya, Kati, and each member of her coterie. Immersive backstory chapters illuminate each character's journey. Songs of the Empaths will appeal to those interested in The First Law Trilogy's layered ensemble storytelling and the hero's journey found in Kingfisher's A Wizard's Guide to Defensive Baking. [Italicize these titles, including your own.]

I am a retired economics professor who lives in XXX, near XXX, with my husband and our toy poodle. I am currently enrolled in Stanford's Memoir Certificate program. Thank you for considering my work; I look forward to hearing from you.

Notes

Instead of empaths vs. neurotypicals, it should be polyglots vs. monoglots. 

So, if I have this straight, it doesn't affect the timeline if your thoughts and emotions go there, but if your body transports there, we could all be doomed? 

Are the neurotypicals okay with the timeline being upset? Aren't they worried they won't exist in the new timeline? Wasn't the timeline upset the moment Jaya disappeared from the 21st century?

Is this the only time a twist of fate has brought someone into a new timeline? And how can they send Jaya back, to the exact time she came from, if she only got here through a twist of fate? 

If they figure out how to send someone to another timeline, they'll start doing it all the time to change history or get rich.

Feedback Request

The author of the book featured in Face-Lift 1476  (just below this post) would like feedback on the following revision:

Dear [agent], 

I am writing to seek representation of my novel SALTFIRE, a 90,000-word Fantasy novel, which follows the alternating perspectives of Isolde and her painfully naive and hot-headed younger sister Noa.  

Life is bleak in West Vestia. War is looming, a violent theocracy has taken over the country, and Isolde Kylman cannot pay her rent. 

After her older brother dies, a nineteen-year-old Isolde is left to raise her three younger siblings, Noa, Eli, and Lilah. Isolde’s first priority is to either find a way to pay the rent or escape before they are separated in state-run shelters. Isolde, who has already resorted to prostitution, attempts to make one last desperate deal with her most powerful client in order to secure their housing. But her plan goes awry when he takes offence [offense, if you're in the USA]  to her offer and his resulting rage leaves Isolde injured and on the brink of death. A seemingly serendipitous rescue by Cassian, the Prince of the Kingdom of Tenney, allows Isolde and her siblings to reach safety in his neighboring lands. 

Recovered from her injuries and suspicious of Cassian’s generosity, Isolde wants to continue their journey, fleeing over the mountains; but Noa, who's been taking sword fighting lessons with Cassian, wants to follow him into battle. She is easily seduced by visions of glory and adventure, but not (to his annoyance) by Cassian--or any other man, for that matter.  

Isolde is not willing to leave her seventeen-year-old sister behind, especially after she learns of Cassian's plans when he comes of age and becomes King. Despite his moral opinion of the clergy and the Kylman’s family’s plight, Cassian intends to side with West Vestia in their war against the Southern nations in order to secure a lucrative trade deal for his kingdom and a piece of the disputed lands they’re fighting over. As Cassian’s birthday approaches and the war becomes more imminent, Isolde learns of a conspiracy to stop Cassian from joining the war. Unable to change her sister’s mind about leaving, Isolde must decide whether to get Eli and Lilah to safety, or to join the conspiracy [conspirators] and keep the war as far away from her sister [Noa] as possible.   

SALTFIRE  is the first entry in a planned duology, though it could function as a standalone work. It will appeal to fans of T. Kingfisher's "Nettle and Bone" and Hannah Whitten's "For the Wolf.” 

[bio] This is my first novel.  

I believe SALTFIRE would be an excellent addition to your list, as your [agent specific] indicates a preference for [agent specific]-- all of which my novel offers.  

 Thank you for your consideration.  

Best,

Notes

It's a big improvement. It's still longer than ideal. I think the threat that the kids will be separated (not to mention the war and and violent theocracy) is sufficient motive for the flight from West Vestia, so we don't need the prostitution/ enraged client in the query. Just say Isolde gets injured before they can cross the border. That, plus eliminating the red words would get it to the preferred length. (Not that anyone is likely to reject it solely for this reason.)

Does this world have magic or supernatural elements or fantastical creatures or whatever makes a fantasy a fantasy? If you changed the place names to countries in medieval Europe, would you call it a fantasy, or historical fiction? Just asking.

Face-Lift 1476

Guess the Plot

Saltfire

1. Did you ever wonder why table salt burns yellow and epsom salt burns white? This book of experiments covers the different color flames produced by various salt additives, from red all the way to violet. Also, basic fire safety. 

2. When the Utah Salt Flats catch fire, three teenaged environmentalists spring into action. If they can put out the fire, it'll look great on their college application resumes.

3. During the Salt War of 1540, between Perugia and the Papal States, Italy's salt merchants stand up to the pope, and pay the price. But will they gain sainthood?

4. With war imminent in their homeland four young Asperians try to escape death and having to pay the rent. They succeed in the latter goal.

5. The El Paso Salt War, which began as a local quarrel but lasted 12 years, is a little-known event in American history. But to the 25 men who died in that war, it was no laughing matter. This is their story.

Original Version

Dear [agent],

Life is bleak in Apser. War is looming, a violent theocracy has taken over the country, and Isolde Kylman cannot pay her rent. [When you put it like that, I find I'm not as sympathetic as you may want me to be about Isolde Kylman's housing situation. Though at least you didn't say . . . and Isolde Kylman just got a paper cut.]

SALTFIRE, an [a]  90,000-word Romantasy novel, follows the alternating perspectives of Isolde and her painfully naive and hot-headed younger sister Noa. 

[Isolde: We need to cut back on groceries. There's no money for the rent.

Noa: SCREW THE FRIGGIN RENT! I JUST GOT A PAPER CUT!!!]

After kicking their abusive father out, Isolde has taken control of the family finances and is acutely aware that they’re on the brink of eviction--even after their eldest brother Benji has joined the army to pay the family debts. [Is the person who's taken control of the finances contributing anything to them?] Her younger [youngest?] siblings Eli and Lilah are grateful to be rid of their father, but Noa, a favorite of their father’s and unaware of his cruelty, blames Isolde for both their lack of money and Benji’s absence. 

[Isolde: Dad was cruel and abusive to Eli, Lilah, and me. He had to go.

Noa: I HATE YOU! YOU'RE JUST MAD CAUSE DAD LIKED ME BEST!!

When Benji dies, [What? Benji was my favorite character.] and with him any hope of making rent, Isolde embarks on a desperate plan to secure their housing. The plan backfires disastrously, leaving a body in her wake [She murdered her landlord? Blew up a bank? Whose body?] with nowhere to go—but, a seemingly serendipitous rescue by Cassian, the Prince of the Kingdom of Tenney, and his royal advisor Rian allows the Isolde and her siblings to escape North Vestia. [And, conveniently, the rent.] Isolde nearly dies on the journey and Noa, who believes the whole family shouldn’t pay for her sister’s mistakes, has to be dragged across the border kicking and screaming.  

As Isolde recovers from her injuries, Noa, angry, bored and distrustful of the locals, takes an interest in Cassian’s sword fighting lessons and manages to weasel her way in. While her initial animosity turns to friendship, it soon becomes clear his feelings run deeper. Isolde recovers and learns not only of Cassian’s relationship with her sister, but also of Cassian’s plans to join forces with West Vestia when he becomes King. Isolde wants to flee over the mountains and leave Vestia [You've now mentioned Vestia, North Vestia, West Vestia, Tenney, and Asper. And whatever country or kingdom Cassian is going into battle against. Are you planning to include a map with the query? Are any of these places going to be on opposite sides in the war?] once and for all, but Noa, has already decided to follow him into battle. [How old is she?] She is easily seduced by visions of glory and adventure, though, distressingly, not by Cassian- or any other man, for that matter.

Isolde, not willing to leave her sister behind, enlists Rian to help her drag Noa across borders once more;  [There has to be a better way to get a kid across borders than always dragging her. Also, with all these place names, I'm not sure which borders are being crossed.] but, Rian refuses, and instead reveals a conspiracy to undermine the war before it begins. Isolde is left with a choice: escape with Eli and Lilah or stay and fight. [Fight in the war?]

SALTFIRE  is the first entry in a planned duology, though it could function as a standalone work. It will appeal to fans of Ursula Vernon's "Nettle and Bone" and Hannah Whitton's "For the Wolf.”

[insert bio] This is my first novel.  

I believe SALTFIRE would be an excellent addition to your list, as [insert agent specific info].  

 Thank you for your consideration.

Notes

The name "Benji" doesn't seem to belong in here. 

You call it a romantasy, but the only hint of romance is Cassian's unrequited romantic interest in Noa. 

Isolde and Noa may share main-character roles in the book, but the query should focus on one of them.

This is too long. Here's a version that's possibly a bit short, but leaves room for you to add whatever's crucial that I left out.  [I dropped the father, the dead person, and Rian. Eight or ten characters is a lot to cram into one page. Also dropped the border crossings. I couldn't tell which borders were being crossed anyway. Presumably from Aspen or one of the Vestias to Tenney the first time? But what border Isolde wants to cross after she recovers isn't clear.]

After her older brother dies, Isolde is left to raise her three younger siblings, Noa, Eli, and Lilah. And priority 1 is getting them out of Asper before the coming war breaks out. But before they can reach their destination--any destination--Isolde is injured and nearly dies. A seemingly serendipitous rescue by Cassian, the Prince of the Kingdom of Tenney, allows Isolde and her siblings to reach safety.

Recovered from her injuries, Isolde wants to continue their journey, fleeing over the mountains, but Noa, who's been taking sword fighting lessons from Cassian, wants to follow him into battle. She is easily seduced by visions of glory and adventure, but not (to his annoyance) by Cassian--or any other man, for that matter. 

Isolde is not willing to leave Noa behind, especially after she learns of Cassian's plan to whatever. But as the war becomes more imminent, she must decide whether to get Eli and Lilah to safety, or stay and fight. 

[It's not clear whether the conspiracy is Cassian's or just Rian's, or whether that's an issue in Isolde's decision. Nor which characters have a romance.]

What also isn't clear is whether the king is on his deathbed or 40 years old. Cassian’s plans to join forces with West Vestia when he becomes King seem irrelevant if he won't become king for 30 years. We don't know if joining forces with West Vestia is a good thing or a bad thing, in Isolde's view, because she's from  Asper, and we don't know where Asper is, or anything about West Vestia's politics. 

I can't tell how old any of the characters is. Eli & Lilah could be toddlers or teens. Isolde could be 18 or 30.