Saltfire
1. Did you ever wonder why table salt burns yellow and epsom salt burns white? This book of experiments covers the different color flames produced by various salt additives, from red all the way to violet. Also, basic fire safety.
2. When the Utah Salt Flats catch fire, three teenaged environmentalists spring into action. If they can put out the fire, it'll look great on their college application resumes.
3. During the Salt War of 1540, between Perugia and the Papal States, Italy's salt merchants stand up to the pope, and pay the price. But will they gain sainthood?
4. With war imminent in their homeland four young Asperians try to escape death and having to pay the rent. They succeed in the latter goal.
5. The El Paso Salt War, which began as a local quarrel but lasted 12 years, is a little-known event in American history. But to the 25 men who died in that war, it was no laughing matter. This is their story.
Original Version
Dear [agent],
Life is bleak in Apser. War is looming, a violent theocracy has taken over the country, and Isolde Kylman cannot pay her rent. [When you put it like that, I find I'm not as sympathetic as you may want me to be about Isolde Kylman's housing situation. Though at least you didn't say . . . and Isolde Kylman just got a paper cut.]
SALTFIRE, an [a] 90,000-word Romantasy novel, follows the alternating perspectives of Isolde and her painfully naive and hot-headed younger sister Noa.
[Isolde: We need to cut back on groceries. There's no money for the rent.
Noa: SCREW THE FRIGGIN RENT! I JUST GOT A PAPER CUT!!!]
After kicking their abusive father out, Isolde has taken control of the family finances and is acutely aware that they’re on the brink of eviction--even after their eldest brother Benji has joined the army to pay the family debts. [Is the person who's taken control of the finances contributing anything to them?] Her younger [youngest?] siblings Eli and Lilah are grateful to be rid of their father, but Noa, a favorite of their father’s and unaware of his cruelty, blames Isolde for both their lack of money and Benji’s absence.
[Isolde: Dad was cruel and abusive to Eli, Lilah, and me. He had to go.
Noa: I HATE YOU! YOU'RE JUST MAD CAUSE DAD LIKED ME BEST!!
When Benji dies, [What? Benji was my favorite character.] and with him any hope of making rent, Isolde embarks on a desperate plan to secure their housing. The plan backfires disastrously, leaving a body in her wake [She murdered her landlord? Blew up a bank? Whose body?] with nowhere to go—but, a seemingly serendipitous rescue by Cassian, the Prince of the Kingdom of Tenney, and his royal advisor Rian allows the Isolde and her siblings to escape North Vestia. [And, conveniently, the rent.] Isolde nearly dies on the journey and Noa, who believes the whole family shouldn’t pay for her sister’s mistakes, has to be dragged across the border kicking and screaming.
As Isolde recovers from her injuries, Noa, angry, bored and distrustful of the locals, takes an interest in Cassian’s sword fighting lessons and manages to weasel her way in. While her initial animosity turns to friendship, it soon becomes clear his feelings run deeper. Isolde recovers and learns not only of Cassian’s relationship with her sister, but also of Cassian’s plans to join forces with West Vestia when he becomes King. Isolde wants to flee over the mountains and leave Vestia [You've now mentioned Vestia, North Vestia, West Vestia, Tenney, and Asper. And whatever country or kingdom Cassian is going into battle against. Are you planning to include a map with the query? Are any of these places going to be on opposite sides in the war?] once and for all, but Noa, has already decided to follow him into battle. [How old is she?] She is easily seduced by visions of glory and adventure, though, distressingly, not by Cassian- or any other man, for that matter.
Isolde, not willing to leave her sister behind, enlists Rian to help her drag Noa across borders once more; [There has to be a better way to get a kid across borders than always dragging her. Also, with all these place names, I'm not sure which borders are being crossed.] but, Rian refuses, and instead reveals a conspiracy to undermine the war before it begins. Isolde is left with a choice: escape with Eli and Lilah or stay and fight. [Fight in the war?]
SALTFIRE is the first entry in a planned duology, though it could function as a standalone work. It will appeal to fans of Ursula Vernon's "Nettle and Bone" and Hannah Whitton's "For the Wolf.”
[insert bio] This is my first novel.
I believe SALTFIRE would be an excellent addition to your list, as [insert agent specific info].
Thank you for your consideration.
Notes
The name "Benji" doesn't seem to belong in here.
You call it a romantasy, but the only hint of romance is Cassian's unrequited romantic interest in Noa.
Isolde and Noa may share main-character roles in the book, but the query should focus on one of them.
This is too long. Here's a version that's possibly a bit short, but leaves room for you to add whatever's crucial that I left out. [I dropped the father, the dead person, and Rian. Eight or ten characters is a lot to cram into one page. Also dropped the border crossings. I couldn't tell which borders were being crossed anyway. Presumably from Aspen or one of the Vestias to Tenney the first time? But what border Isolde wants to cross after she recovers isn't clear.]
After her older brother dies, Isolde is left to raise her three younger siblings, Noa, Eli, and Lilah. And priority 1 is getting them out of Asper before the coming war breaks out. But before they can reach their destination--any destination--Isolde is injured and nearly dies. A seemingly serendipitous rescue by Cassian, the Prince of the Kingdom of Tenney, allows Isolde and her siblings to reach safety.
Recovered from her injuries, Isolde wants to continue their journey, fleeing over the mountains, but Noa, who's been taking sword fighting lessons from Cassian, wants to follow him into battle. She is easily seduced by visions of glory and adventure, but not (to his annoyance) by Cassian--or any other man, for that matter.
Isolde is not willing to leave Noa behind, especially after she learns of Cassian's plan to whatever. But as the war becomes more imminent, she must decide whether to get Eli and Lilah to safety, or stay and fight.
[It's not clear whether the conspiracy is Cassian's or just Rian's, or whether that's an issue in Isolde's decision. Nor which characters have a romance.]
What also isn't clear is whether the king is on his deathbed or 40 years old. Cassian’s plans to join forces with West Vestia when he becomes King seem irrelevant if he won't become king for 30 years. We don't know if joining forces with West Vestia is a good thing or a bad thing, in Isolde's view, because she's from Asper, and we don't know where Asper is, or anything about West Vestia's politics.
I can't tell how old any of the characters is. Eli & Lilah could be toddlers or teens. Isolde could be 18 or 30.
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