Face-Lift 1465

Guess the Plot

Kingdom of the Dead

1. A quasi-non-fiction look at everything needed for a functioning society, brought to you by zombies, skeletons, wraiths, ghosts, vampires, etc. Also, politics, pest control, and what happens in sunlight.

2. When Stella accepted the Vampire King's marriage proposal, it was just because he could help her find her missing father. She certainly didn't expect to actually fall for the big [undead] lug. 

3. The Kingdom next to their own has always been ruled by the dead. Necromancer Gristly now just has to figure out if there is another necromancer in charge of the place or if something stranger has been going on.

4. When Willard finds a portal to another dimension, he's hoping for a vacation far away in a place without huge problems, and maybe some quaint talking animals. Instead he finds empty streets, empty houses, empty stores, an empty palace.... It's all pretty dead.

5. The zombies didn't have the foresight to realize that once they'd killed all the humans, there's be no more living human brains to feast on. But then they discover that dolphin, ape, dog and octopus brains are even more advanced than human brains--and more delicious.

Original Version

Dear Agent,

The following is the synopsis of Kingdom of the Dead. [This has the elements of a query letter, except it doesn't include the word count. A synopsis would include more plot elements. (No need to start by saying the following is a query letter for...)]

**A witch. An assassin. A Queen.**  [Who is the villain in Snow White?]

Stella Blackburn once feared monsters under her bed; now she is the nightmare every child dreads. A witch and an assassin, hunted by her own kin for crimes that forced her into hiding, she cloaks herself in shadows and enchantments. Years after believing her father dead, her dying master reveals he is alive. Now she has learned that he is imprisoned by the one spreading a malady [plague?] across kingdoms.

**The clock is ticking, the blood is running out.** [What was the last thing the Abominable Dr,                                                                                                Phibes said to Dr. Longstreet?]

The malady ravages the vampire kingdom, offering Stella her best chance to find its source. Yet, witches are loathed in those lands, and assassin or not, she won't survive long there. The Vampire King proposes a marriage, promising her safety within his castle and a joint effort to unearth the cause and the person responsible. But nothing is as simple as bargains, marriages, and blood. [I think that sentence says the opposite of what you think it says. Maybe just say she agrees to the marriage, though it means . . . What? What's the catch?] Stella would sacrifice anything to find her father, even confront the prophecy foretold to her at fifteen. For seven years, she has run from it, but now, it may be time to embrace her destiny. [She agrees to the marriage, though it means becoming/marrying a vampire, as foretold in a prophecy she's been running from since she was fifteen.] 

**Hearts are at stake, lies unravel.** [What happens in Interview with the Vampire?]

The Vampire King and his court defy her expectations. [What were her expectations? Are the king & court worse than she expected or better?] He has a manner with words that alone make her question her sanity, [Is it the words or his manner with them that . . . ? If the latter, the verb should be "makes."] that and his actions are worse. She refuses to accept that his behavior is anything more than vampire charm meant to unnerve her, because their marriage is a means to an end. So why does she have to remind herself not to waver at his words? Stella has no intention of staying with the King or living with the dead—or so she thought. Each day reminds her of her father’s agony, yet with the King and his court, those days are when she feels most alive. Every night she must remind herself that nothing—specially [especially] the Vampire King and his world of darkness that draws her in like vampire to blood—matters until she finds her father.

But unveiled secrets and a looming betrayal could shift her world even more than the King.

Kingdom of the Dead is an Adult Fantasy Romance, perfect for readers who like fast-pacing, secrets, dark elements, and swoon-worthy romance. 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

[I have never posted a query letter to an agent so I am wondering if the above will be enough  Also, should I be adding that it is Dark fantasy too? Or is adult fantasy enough?] Dark fantasy is probably a good description. Adult is assumed unless it's otherwise stated, or it's about cute talking bunnies. As for romance, while there are hints of romantic elements (She questions her sanity, wavers at his words, feels most alive with the King and his court) those don't seem strong enough to suggest to me that it's a romance, swoon-worthy or not.

Notes

Nothing matters until she finds her father, she would sacrifice anything to find him, but there's almost nothing in here about what she's doing to find him. What's her plan? What's preventing her from doing it? 

If you could condense the first two paragraphs, which set up the situation, into one, and get rid of the Jeopardy answers, something like:

When Stella Blackburn, assassin and witch, learns that her missing father is imprisoned in a nearby kingdom, she wants to rescue him. But she'll need help from the Vampire King, who agrees to help only if she'll marry him. It's a big ask, but Stella would sacrifice anything to find her father.  

. . . you'd have more room to talk about where her dad is, and what's involved in rescuing him, and how she can't help being attracted to the hunky king. 

If you want to emphasize the romantic elements she could almost swoon at his words, rather than question her sanity, which could be interpreted as negative.

Face-Lift 1464

Guess the Plot

Stormbound

1. None of the last seven skiers at a Colorado resort was concerned when a blizzard rolled in, trapping them. After all, there was plenty of food and drink to last a week. Then the murders started.

2. The Proctor family ignored orders to evacuate their home with a massive hurricane approaching, because they knew their brick house could withstand the storm. What they didn't know was that Grubhub, Door Dash, and Uber Eats would all shut down for weeks.

3. The Osborne family ignored orders to evacuate their home with a massive hurricane approaching, because they knew their brick house could withstand even a category 5 hurricane. What they didn't know was that thanks to global warming, hurricanes now also come in categories 6, 7, and 8.

4. When teen sisters Georgie and Lia find their parents went missing during a storm, they mount a rescue operation that brings them into conflict with secret agents and pirates hunting for a treasure that could change the course of history. Luckily, it's summer, so they won't miss any school.

5. For Jack "Twister" Tate, chasing tornadoes isn't just science, it isn't just a hobby--it's an extension of a childhood obsession with The Wizard of Oz. Okay, it's also science. That's how he gets funding. But can he keep his true motivation secret from his girlfriend Dorothy? Only his dog Toto knows.

Original Version

Dear Literary Agent, 

Sisters Lia and Georgie Covington thought spending their summer in Key West was going to be a breeze, with the biggest of worries being tan lines and becoming bored poolside at their family’s vacation house. 

With her final summer ahead of her before going to college, Lia knew she would be miserable and alone. [Wait, what? You just said both of them expected a worry-free breeze of a vacation, now you say one of them knows she'll be miserable. Or did you mean she knew she'd be miserable and alone in college?] Georgie saw it as her opportunity to finally brag to her prep-school friends about her tropical home, despite it being abandoned for the past six years. [If you have a vacation home you aren't using, you hire some rental company to keep it occupied and send you money. Not that I ever owned one, but what if the roof leaks or squatters move in or a violent storm destroys it?]

When their parents who work as history professors continuing a research project go missing during a violent storm, the sisters realize they are their parents' only hope for rescuing them [of rescue]– and protecting their research. [Why are they the only hope? Have the people with experience rescuing people given up on them?] [Are they already at the summer house when the parents go missing? In which case the parents are doing this research project in their beach house?]

Following the clues left behind by their mom and step-dad, Lia and Georgie begin to unravel the secrets held within [the?] Florida Keys. They become entangled with secret government agents, pirates, and a hunt for a treasure that could change the course of history. [Whoa. The last sentence of the plot summary may not be the best place to reveal that the course of history is at stake. Maybe your first paragraph should be something like:

Sisters Lia and Georgie Covington thought spending their summer in Key West was going to be a breeze, with the biggest of worries being tan lines and becoming bored poolside at their family’s vacation house. They certainly didn't expect to get involved with secret government agents, pirates, and a hunt for a treasure that could change the course of history.]

STORMBOUND is a young adult urban adventure-mystery complete at 65,000 words, the first in a planned trilogy. I have loved the beach as well as historical mysteries for my entire life, and knew that Key West, with its vast history and coastal culture, was the perfect place for a swashbuckling adventure to play out. 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The first pages have been attached for your review. I’d be delighted to send you sample chapters or the full manuscript at your request.

Notes

Good clear writing, but it does inspire questions about the plot. And I'm not sure it wouldn't appeal more to upper middle grade readers.

If it's college Lia thinks will  be misery, you could combine the first two paragraphs into:

With her final summer ahead of her before going to college, where she knows she'll be miserable, Lia Covington is looking forward to spending summer in Key West at her family’s vacation house. Her sister Georgie sees the summer vacation as an opportunity to finally brag to her prep-school friends about the tropical home, which has been abandoned for six years.

If the parents were abducted, I'm wondering what kind of clues they would leave behind. Clues like a post-it note that says If you can't find us, we were probably kidnapped and taken to Moscow.?

If secret agents are interested in the research project, I'm guessing it involves something beyond history. As your plot summary is only six sentences, you have room to add a couple explaining what's at stake if the research falls into the wrong hands, i.e. how might the course of history be changed?

Feedback Request

Dear agent

I am seeking representation for my thriller ALL THE MEMORIES COME TO KILL (89,000 words.)

Jack Foster, British accountant extraordinaire, [When you decide to make your main character an accountant, you have to do more than add "extraordinaire" to his job title to hook your reader.] is tired of busting the books of the Hong Kong Triad. [I don't know if busting the books means managing the books or cooking the books or something else.] Now he’s starting a new job in Los Angeles while waiting for his wife, Mara, to wrap up their affairs. Alone and lonely, he develops debilitating nightmares of a woman being tortured to death, her face masked by shadows. When his shrinks can’t help, he dulls the nightmares with alcohol and is fired from his job. [He just moved to LA and he already has more than one shrink?] 

Desperate to shape up before Mara arrives, Jack scours the internet for a way to cure his nightmares. He’s surprised to notice a series of similar murders spanning the globe, the most recent one only a few miles from his Chinatown condo. [I Googled "How to cure nightmares," and there was nothing about any worldwide murder conspiracies. Any accountant who doesn't know how to properly use Google is not extaordinaire in my book.]  Posing as a reporter, Jack digs into the local underworld, finding rumors of a vicious Triad enforcer newly arrived from Hong Kong. When Jack sets up surveillance on a Triad sweatshop, [This seems unreasonable for an accountant, but I forgot that he's an accountant extraordinaire.] he confirms the enforcer is the torturer in his dreams, but is forced to kill a gang member in self-defense. [Not clear what the part after the "but" has to do with the part before the "but."]

Now the police are after Jack. The Triad is right behind. And the woman in his dreams is growing more familiar with each sleepless night. Jack really needs to find some big guns, a good lawyer, and an even better shrink. ["even" better suggests his current shrink is pretty good, but you earlier said his shrinks can't help.] That and convince Mara to stay in Hong Kong until he can sort this out.

Now, if only she’d answer her damn phone.

Notes

This was going to be a new query critique, but then I realized we'd already seen two versions of it under a different title, and only two fake plots had come in anyway, so here is the most recent version, and the author would like feedback on this new one.

This isn't bad, but comparing it to the previous version, I'm wondering if there've been major changes in the plot, or just in what parts of the plot you're revealing in the query.

I don't think the title was part of the problem in the other versions.

Face-Lift 1463

Guess the Plot

The Secondaries

1.  The Secondaries are the ghosts/spirits of the dead. Their ranks have split into two factions fighting for control of the afterlife. And the only person who can bring peace and stability to the afterlife is a teenager who's already juggling her freshman classes while trying to keep her jealous street-performer boyfriend happy. 

2. After the primaries end in catastrophe when the Republican party realizes that all of its candidates are hot garbage, the state of Arkansas scrambles to acquire new candidates by kidnapping the ten democratic people who live there and putting them through a hunger-games-esque tournament, where only the last one standing doesn't have to apply for candidacy.

3. All sale items after the initial sale become secondaries, sold in the cellar. Joany will admit working in the cellar is a rather dull job, but it is at least a job. That is, until an unusual sale item goes unsold and an intrigue between a goat, a boat, and 10 yards of human hair make things complicated.

4. Phil Philmont II is tired of living in his father's shadow. He joins force with his childhood friends Rich Richardson II, and Dan Dianton II, to prove they are not simply children of self-made billionaires, that they have what it takes to out-party, and out-spend their parents and do it even better. They just need to rewind history 50 years first.

5. Maeve starts an odd-job company which mainly provides backup for important positions: kings, presidents, magistrates, etc. But when Claude, back-up to the archetype hero finally reaches the evil overlord's domain, he discovers Sorsha, back-up to said overlord. Will they do their duty and fight, or talk shop until their shift is over?

Original Version

I'm pleased to submit THE SECONDARIES, complete at 89,000 words.

Besieged with visions of the dead, Seren hopes for a normal life with a new boyfriend, Jackson. But a tangle with an immortal soul drags her into a battle between two groups of spirits for control of the afterlife.

Seren is a college freshman majoring in physics so that she can decipher her dead father's discoveries about consciousness. Since she was orphaned at the age of six, visions of spirits and their tragic human deaths have tormented her. Seren wants nothing more than to be normal, but the visions won't let her.

When she meets Jackson Meins, an alluring clairvoyant, Seren starts to believe [he convinces her] that her strange visions might actually be a gift. But just as she begins to fall in love with Jackson, a long-dead spirit named Finn tells her about the afterlife power struggle threatening the natural order. Finn is part of a group, which he claims includes Seren's father, fighting against the Ascendants, malicious spirits bent on taking control [of the afterlife]. Showing Seren her world through his eyes, Finn tries to convince persuades her that Jackson is helping the wrong side.

When Jackson finds out about Finn, he becomes enraged with jealousy and kidnaps her, keeping her prisoner at the compound where he is planning a mass suicide of his followers to infuse the Ascendants with an army of strong new recruits. [Speaking from experience, kidnapping and imprisoning your ex-girlfriend never results in reconciliation.]  Seren must learn to harness her own power to defeat Jackson's plans and restore the stability of the afterlife. [We know she has visions, but can we get a hint of what this power is that she can harness to affect the afterlife?]

THE SECONDARIES can be compared to Twilight (supernatural love triangle) meets Sixth Sense [I see dead people.] and Fight Club. [I'd declare the genre of the book before comparing it to other titles. According to my Internet research, the genre of Twilight is young adult fantasy romance, while The Sixth Sense is a psychological thriller. Your book sounds like an urban fantasy or a blend of that with paranormal romance. If all you provide is those comp titles, you may be giving the wrong impression.]  

Notes

Nice. Even if you ignore my comments, I can see this getting requests for the manuscript. 

Face-Lift 1462

Guess the Plot

No Alternatives

1. When Bob shows up at the diner five minutes before closing, they're out of everything except the end slice of meatloaf. He was hoping for the chicken and dumplings, but is this worth killing someone over?

2. Tadi just discovered that he isn't unique. There are a dozen more versions of himself, and only the version who is most beneficial to the empire will be allowed to live. Now Tadi has no choice but to do good deeds while avoiding being killed by the Tadis who are bad seeds.

3. The multiverse has been known for a long time. But now, rookie dimension cop Jim, has discovered that in five days time, after a singular event, the multiverse reduces to a singular verse. Can he figure out what caused the event, or will he end up erased? And what will they call this singular verse?

4. Elizabeth Parker feels compelled to go along with the boyfriend she just can't bring herself to dump, even when he decides to commit robbery, then armed robbery, then go on a killing spree. The only thing she can do after that is make murdering him look like suicide and claim to be yet another victim who he intended to murder. But will Hunky (married) cop Frank Hammer believe her?

Original Version

Tadi is a mistake. [I meant to say Tardis.] At least, that’s what the High Magistrate tells Tadi after he’s dragged into a room full of twelve other versions of himself who grew up scattered throughout the country. [One extra Tadi is carelessness; two or three is a mistake; four to seven is a colossal blunder.; any more than that is intentional, and someone's up to no good.]

They’re an accident, and over the course of three months, twelve will have the pleasure of being hurled straight into the jaws of an Underworld monstrosity. Only the version most beneficial to the Empire of Aughtlock will earn the privilege of existing.  [Is the winner the one who's most beneficial over the next three months, or is it going to take three months to decide which one has been most beneficial since they were created?]

But Tadi’s got this contest in the bag. Sure, his day job isn’t exactly heroic—he basically acts as a human lantern for travelers, keeping away the soulless wraiths that haunt the wastelands between villages. [Wait, why is that considered low on the heroism and beneficialness scales? Unless the Avengers are among the other candidates, I've got Tadi leading the field.] Sure, he’s got a grand total of zero kids, since he still hasn’t figured out how to be attracted to anyone despite his childhood best friend Lanlin’s increasingly obvious attempts to court him. And sure, his competition includes a highly decorated paragon knight and a renowned political assassin… [Assuming politicians are deciding which candidates get thrown to the monstrosity, I'm guessing the political assassin will be the first to go.] but Tadi’s dry wit and friendly smile will definitely be enough to tip the scales in his favor.

 

Jokes aside, Tadi isn’t stupid enough to think he’ll win this competition, but damn it, he’s going to try anyway. [If he can try to win, I'll assume the winner is the one who's most beneficial to the empire over the next three months. But then why would the fact he has zero kids matter?] If Tadi can use his light to reach the Underworld Wells and somehow stop the flow of wraiths up to the surface, it would have to be enough. [I disagree. Once he stops the flow of wraiths to the surface, his day job becomes superfluous. He goes from highly beneficial to no longer needed.] But for that journey, Tadi needs Lanlin’s help to interpret the runes on the Wells, even though she’s determined to move their relationship further than friendship and he hasn’t determined what to do with that. [If he has to hit the sheets with Lanlin to save himself, I don't think it'll kill him.]  And obviously, Tadi will need to figure out the deal with the assassin version of himself. The one who follows Tadi at knifepoint and promises to steal credit for his achievements before immediately injures himself saving Tadi from the zealots who attack Tadi for being an “abomination.” [That sentence is an abomination.]  [If Tadi is an abomination. wouldn't all the other "Tadis" be as well? How is he different from the others?]

And even if Tadi wins and doesn’t end up as a monster’s dinner, all of it will be in favor of  [fealty to?]  a country which shackles Tadi, erases his other selves, and calls him a mistake. [Is he currently shackled while doing his day job?]

NO ALTERNATIVES is a Fantasy novel of 94,000 words, mixing the wasteland adventure vibe of Hana Lee’s Road to Ruin with the smooth approachable prose and twisted social systems of Robert Jackson Bennet’s The Tainted Cup.

I am a second-year MFA fiction candidate at [place], and I served as the managing editor for the [magazine]. My short fiction has appeared in [magazines]. This story is heavily inspired by my own experiences as an asexual man, struggling with the lines between affection and romance and coping with the expectation that men ought to be sex-driven beings. 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 

Notes

Do all the Tadis look alike and are they all named Tadi? Are they the same species as the High Magistrate? Are they androids? How do you accidentally end up with 13 of the same  . . . person? And shouldn't you be eliminating the monster instead of feeding it?

I can see throwing the least beneficial Tadis into the jaws of an Underworld monstrosity, but the 2nd, 3rd, & 4th most beneficial Tadis should be allowed to just change their names to Toto, Toodles, and Shemp.

Aughtlock sounds like the noise my neighbor makes when he hacks up phlegm.

Technically, is the one who "follows Tadi at knifepoint" holding the knife, or is someone behind him holding a knife?

If Tadi doesn't win, who's gonna hold the wraiths at bay from now on?

Is this like The Hunger Games or Survivor, with periodic eliminations, or do they just announce the winner after 3 months? 

I have too many questions. Try to describe the plot without inspiring me to ask them.

 

Face-Lift 1461

Guess the Plot

I Am Online

1. The harrowing tale of being lured in and then dragged to the surface against your will, as told by a mackerel.

2. The game "I am Online" started as a way to distract Sheila from her dull life. Except now what she thought was an AI in the game has turned out to be something all too real.

3. An anonymous teenager gets sucked into social media, doom scrolling, and sundry other activities, and their parents, siblings, concerned neighbors, and other persons can only watch helplessly as said teenager endures their compulsory education failures, lack of a job or any prospects, and finally no ability to achieve internet.

4. Nigel Werzen is inside the internet in a Philip K. Dick meets Ghost in the Shell sort of way. If he wants to kiss an actual human being before he dies he'll need to find out how, and possibly why, who and what. And his body. He'll need to find his body.

5. A teenager becomes an overnight internet sensation after his erotic encounters are broadcast online without his knowledge. Is this the ultimate humiliation? Or is it the big break he's been waiting for?

Please find my Query below. I hope you can give me feedback as I have not been too successful submitting it. 

Title: I am Online

Lenght: 240,000 words 

[Okay, I think I see your problem. Your book is actually three books. You just haven't figured out where the first two end. If you want to be able to sell a really long book like Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, you should first try selling a normal-sized book like Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone. Then make each successive book you write a little longer than the previous one. For instance, your first book could be titled I Am in My Neighborhood. Then you write a book called I Am in Barcelona, followed by I Am in Spain, I Am in Europe, and then this book, I am Online. Eventually you will write I Am in the Universe (Length: 50 billion words).] 

Original Version

Dear Literary Agent,

I am thrilled to present “I am Online,” my debut novel that chronicles the unexpected rise of Sebas, an eighteen-year-old who inadvertently becomes an erotic webcam sensation. [Your title should be italicized. The 2nd half of your first sentence should not.] [Wait, inadvertently? It sounds like he didn't know the erotic stuff he was doing was going out via webcam. If that happened to me, I'd be angry and mortified, but Sebas is apparently thrilled to have finally found purpose in his life.] This narrative explores his journey of self-discovery, the complexities of human relationships, and the dichotomy between virtual fame and real-world anonymity. [That's pretty vague. Work it into paragraph 4 if you must have it, but right now we want to know what happens in your book. Plot specifics.] 

Thirty-eight euros in his pocket, all his life savings, was everything Sebas had on him when he stepped out of the last night train at Barcelona’s central station. Probably Sebas [Maybe he] should have planned his home runaway [getaway] better. But he didn’t. He just could not stand his oppressive home life anymore.  The city, poised to swallow him whole, instead becomes the backdrop for his meteoric rise in the adult industry. 

As the number of his webcam followers grows into the thousands, Sebas grapples with the stark contrast between his online celebrity and his offline struggles.      

“I am Online” weaves through genres, one could say this novel is for “Fifty shades of Grey” what “Pose” is to “Sex and the City”: a kinky story narrated by those whose kinkiness is not mainstream or often understood. It is the antithesis of “Heartstopper,” away from gay-mimicking-straight relationships in a sugar-coated plot, I don’t hold back: Sebas goes through a lot and he gets to see [experiences] the cruelty of human nature and how relationships are often driven by desire and selfishness rather than by love and feelings. Set in the year 2014, this tale also serves as a modern coming-out story, far away from those early-00 cheesy stories, this one reflects a contemporary time when the lines between hetero and homo are more blurred than ever. [2014 was modern and contemporary in 2014. It's now as much ancient history as the early 00's were in 2014.] 

My own experiences as an LGBTQ individual growing up in Barcelona and living across the globe have deeply influenced this work, infusing it with authenticity and a unique perspective.

So far, only few friends have read “I am Online”. [A few have told you they read it. They lied.] Feedback is diverse: “the world is a very f*** up place”, “I am ashamed to admit I wish I had been Sebas” or “this story will make readers disgusted and horny at the same time”. But maybe the best one was “it’s hilarious, it reads itself”. 

I have chosen to query you because your reputation for championing bold, boundary-pushing literature aligns perfectly with the essence of “I am Online.” I believe this novel not only entertains but also opens a dialogue about the evolving landscape of sexuality and identity.

Thank you for considering my submission. I am eager to discuss the potential of “I am Online” and look forward to the possibility of working together.

Notes

You must either convert this into a three-book series, or whittle it down to 80,000 words by getting rid of massive amounts of wordiness, repetition, chapters that don't advance the plot, rambling musings about life, etc. Did I say whittle it down? You need an industrial buzz saw.

While I imagine webcams draw far fewer viewers than websites, (Pornhub: 750 million visits per week; Me, Sebas, in my Motel Room: 2000 visits/month), I wouldn't call  a few thousand followers a meteoric rise toward becoming an online celebrity. Maybe you should lie and say he's got half a million followers.

Here's all I know about what happens in your 240,000 words: Guy with oppressive home life catches train to Barcelona, hits the sheets with someone who failed to mention he was broadcasting their activity online, and becomes an overnight sensation. (My version: 29 words.)

Are there any other characters? A close friend, a traitor, a lover, a murderer, a joker, a thief?

What's the most important event in this book? What is Sebas's goal? What's his plan to achieve it? What's standing in his way? What decision must he make to succeed? What if he fails? That's the kind of stuff we want in the query. If you get rid of the red words and my comments, you might have room to answer some of those questions. Even literary fiction needs a story.

On the bright side, it seems like three fourths of all literary agents are desperately looking for books by LGBTQ+ authors, so you have a leg up if you do have a story and characters.

Face-Lift 1460

 

Guess the Plot

The Dirt Wars

1. It'a about a war. Over dirt.

2. Her kids and husband have been tracking dirt into the house for years. Marge has finally reached her breaking point. She's stockpiling military-grade vacuum cleaners.

3. The world owes their livelihood to the top six inches of soil. Janus has become involved in a war with the neighboring kingdom over who has the better soil. How does it go? The grass is always greener?

4. The mud slinging in an election year has gotten so bad it's become a national sport, with referees, scoreboards, and cheerleaders. Can 2nd grader Winslow Walsh defeat his arch-nemesis the school principal in this battle of the dirty on the school playground? Or will Mx. Roberts Jr. (3rd grade) succeed in getting the ice cream man elected to the school board?

5. The land in the valley separating two mountainous kingdoms is the only place with arable soil. For years this land was shared, but with population growth, both kingdoms now want it all. Can mediator Eleanor Panko find a way to prevent a war that could destroy the valley?

 

Original Version

Title: The Dirt Wars*

Backstory: It's about a war. Over dirt.

*Hey, it worked for "Star" 

[Presumably that was not part of the query, but as the title isn't revealed anywhere else (nor the word count) I'll assume you're providing us with only the plot summary so you won't get comments like "It's too short (or long)" or "leave the word 'The' off the title."] [That was a pretty long sentence, but nothing compared to your first sentence.] [In any case, thanks for providing me with the real guess-the-plot, as the plot summary below doesn't hint at where the title comes from.]

Newlywed and recent Genesis graduate, Bobby Gallagher lives a life of privilege as a True Born citizen in Centre 3:2:1 (formerly Dallas, Texas) within Section 2 of New Elysian, twenty years after The Final War, at the behest of watchful [thanks to his] benefactor Sectional Ambassador Jeremy Barnes. Ambassador Barnes’ affinity for Bobby is cultivated before the boy takes his first steps. [I don't like "affinity" or "cultivated" in this context. I'd say "his interest in Bobby began . . . " Note that I also think you should use past tense when talking about Bobby's childhood.] Ambitious and cunning, Barnes takes Bobby under his wing and heralds him as a shining example of what The State can produce; someone who might one day rule the world.

Bobby’s life is going to plan [Barnes's plan?] until he meets Gramps, a mysterious old man from the Before Times who also takes an early interest in Bobby, but from the shadows. Equal parts smart and smart-ass, Gramps is well connected both within New Elysian and with those on The Outside, or as The State refers to them, Ticks. Gramps portends [warns] of evil lurking within The State and accuses [declares] Barnes of being a murderous sociopath. He urges Bobby to disregard the poisonous teachings of Genesis and escape [abandon] the trappings of a life given and embrace his destiny on The Outside. Bobby listens to the old man’s sermons but cannot decide if he is mad or prescient.

As Bobby’s allegiance to Barnes wobbles, his wife, Caroline finds herself torn between her loyalty to The State and to her husband. In the end, only one will survive. [I can't tell if you mean only one of her husband and the State or only one of Bobby and Caroline.] [Perhaps dump this paragraph, as Caroline doesn't figure much in the rest of the plot summary.]

Bobby rejects [suspects] Gramps as [is] a traitor but does not report him. Bobby buckles and agrees to go with him on a mission to The Outside where he discovers a world that makes him question everything he has ever known. Section 2 leadership learns of Bobby’s treachery and, with the help of an unlikely ally, unleashes the full force of Section 2 upon Bobby and anyone who stands in their way. [That's the end? While I see no way Bobby can withstand an unleashing of the full force of Section 2, I expect you to provide a glimmer of hope. Instead of that last sentence, give some specifics about what he finds in the Outside. Then say he realizes Gramps was right all along, but it may be too late because he's now being hunted by the all-powerful State.] 

Notes

Elysian is an adjective, at least here in the Before Times. Elysium means paradise, and is more likely to be the name of a place.

It's not clear why everyone thinks Bobby is the key to everything. He seems like just an average naive kid. Are Gramps and Barnes the main characters? If Bobby's the MC, focus on what he wants, how he plans to get it, what will happen if he fails.

Why does the State want with Bobby now that he's shown his treachery? They probably don't want him as the ruler of the world anymore, so they should look for a new potential ruler of the world. Not waste time and resources chasing down this kid. I'm surprised Barnes doesn't want the position.

Getting rid of the red words or whichever ones you can do without would leave a little space for some more information. Maybe something about the geography of this world. I can't tell whether the Outside is everything surrounding New Elysian, or if New Elysian is the old USA or the old Texas.

Are the State and the Outside at war? Over dirt? How can there be a war if the last war was the Last War?

Face-Lift 1459

Guess the Plot

Christophina's Wings

1. Fallen angel Christophina joins the air force for the opportunity to fly once more ... just in time for Armageddon. Christophina must pick a side before her past catches up with her. But she really only wants to fly. Also kiwis. 

2. Christophina gets a full back tattoo of a beautiful pair of wings covering the entirety of her back. She's sure her boyfriend will love it . . . until she finds the feathers under her shirt.

3. Thanks to Christophina's prize-winning barbecue sauce recipe, Christophina's Wings is the hottest restaurant in town . . . until Bud Wilkins opens his hot wings and drumsticks joint right across the street. Now Christy must decide: add thighs to her menu, sabotage Bud's sauce . . . or murder him.

4. Invited to a swank party, Christophina, a working-class woman, creates a pair of wings to wear. Maybe the wings will get her noticed by a rich, famous guy, who'll sweep her off her feet. It works! But what will happen when the guy returns to his home on planet Earth?

5. Angel Christophina is tasked by God to lead the three kings to Bethlehem. Along the way she gets lost and separated from the kings, leaving them to navigate by looking at a star, which is obviously impossible, but luckily Christophina finds them just in time to complete their journey. 

Original Version

Dear Evil Editor:

Christophina lives on Celestia, a luxurious playground for the spacefaring wealthy, miles above the surface of the Earth. For people like her who work the menial jobs to support that luxury, it’s not so glamorous. In her tiny apartment in the heaviest of gravities, she escapes her service worker life by immersing herself in StarCity, a virtual world where she can create and explore without limits.

Through her creations on StarCity, Christophina earns a ticket to a swank party on Celestia where the elite mingle. There she meets Ethan—rich, famous, gorgeous, and with a British accent she can’t resist. One stolen kiss later, she’s swept off her feet into a world of sumptuous pleasures beyond her wildest imaginings. [Wait, exactly what kind of "service worker" is she?] [Also, I don't think the menial job workers at fancy resorts have any trouble imagining the sumptuous opulence enjoyed by those whose dining tables and bathrooms they clean. They're surrounded by it.] Ethan inspires and encourages her to take her creativity out of StarCity and into places she hadn’t dared to try. [That suggests she could have tried them if she had dared. Which seems unlikely. I'd call them places she never dreamed she'd experience.] [I doubt a maid (or whatever) could get away with skipping her work shift to partake of the paying customers' luxuries. I mean, if I spent $200,000 for a vacation on Celestia, I'd be pretty pissed if I couldn't get into the orgasmatron because all the janitors were lined up to use it.]

It would be easy to fall in love with Ethan, but Christophina knows she mustn’t. He won’t be on Celestia for long, and when he goes back to Earth, she won’t be able to follow. [Why not? Does he want her to?] But how will she go back to her modest life just as she’s learning to spread her wings? [That's not the dilemma she should be having. She and Ethan have bonded, and they need to find a way to be together on Earth or Celestia. Which may mean she needs to find a way to make him realize this.]  

CHRISTOPHINA’S WINGS is a 63,000-word science fiction romance for your consideration. Thank you for your time.

Note: The title comes from the wings that Christophina creates both virtually for her StarCity shop and physically for her to wear to the party. 

Notes

I'm sure it's explained in the book how something done in a virtual world earns you a ticket to a party with the rich and famous, but in the query it feels like a gimmick to get Cinderella to the ball. Maybe if we leave StarCity out of the query there'll be more room for the romance aspect, which seems more important than the science fiction aspect. (Maybe call it a futuristic romance, rather than a science fiction romance.) Here's a shorter version of the first two paragraphs, leaving you room for building up the romantic angle.

Christophina lives on Celestia, a luxurious playground for the spacefaring wealthy, miles above the surface of the Earth. For people like her who work the menial jobs to support that luxury, it’s not so glamorous. So she's thrilled to receive an unexpected invitation to a swank party where the elite mingle. There she meets Ethan—rich, famous, and gorgeous, with a British accent she can’t resist. One stolen kiss later, she’s swept off her feet into a world of sumptuous pleasures. 

The third paragraph starts off okay, but the last sentence could be something more like: Unless . . . dare she hope Ethan wants/feels/will . . . whatever.