Face-Lift 781

Guess the Plot

One Fang and Silver Dagger

1. Harvey Jones has seen it all: fights, murders, sex, love gone bad. But that's pretty much what you get when you run a bar that caters to vampires and werewolves. Also, a silver dagger.

2. Can't a girl catch a break? It was bad enough getting murdered and waking up as a vampire. But now someone's ripped out one of Hannah's fangs and transported her back in time to medieval days where a hunky knight in shining armor is all that stands between her and an ancient bloodsucker who wants to make her his mindless slave.

3. Ever wonder about the faceless monsters who inhabit fantasy novels with the sole purpose of being hacked to death or fireballed in elaborate battle scenes? One Fang and Silver Dagger are two kobolds trying to scrape out a living while avoiding dashing brigands, questing heirs and apprentice wizards.

4. Bensimon is a failure as a vampire--so bad Dracula broke off one of his fangs. Now he has to use a little silver dagger to feed. Trouble is, he gave it to Missy Stevens as a love token, and now she's dating hunky Jayden Saunders and won't return his calls. Does he swallow what's left of his pride and ask Dracula for help--or should he talk to Mr. Cobbs, the werewolf who teaches art?

5. Mikhail is humiliated when a broken fang sends him to Madeleine Schickelgruber, vampire dentist extraordinaire, for an implant. Madeleine thinks she's come up with an innovative new treatment...but then Mikhail comes around from the anesthesia and reminds her how vampires feel about silver. Malpractice suits ensue.

6. The trouble with being a thousand year old vampire is that while the flesh may not decay, the teeth do. One Fang lost part of his impressive dentition (and his heart) to a California political goddess with hardening of the arteries. Can One Fang win back "Silver Dagger" (so called for her elegant mastery of the subtle art of backstabbing) with only a lopsided grin and the ability to confer everlasting life?


Original Version

Dear EE,

Fate, once it gets you in its clutches, isn’t partial to happy endings. At least, not in Hannah’s case.

It was bad enough straying into the wrong London street [I once strayed into the wrong London street. I got talked into a Soho strip club. Cost me ten pounds to get in, and 200 pounds and my credit cards to get out alive. Which I wouldn't have minded so much if the "strippers" had actually shown anything. But enough about me.] and worse waking in the family vault. When she cut her lip with her teeth, [I hate it when I do that. Also when I bite my tongue. But the worst is when I bite the inside of my cheek, because if I bite it once, it swells up and I keep biting it. I suppose it would be even worse if I were a vampire or a werewolf. But enough about me.] and realized what she’d become, she’d [she] almost lost her mind. For five long years she fought to live a decent life and keep to a moral code, despite the blood lust. And then, Fate delivered another blow. [Put those last two or three sentences in present tense.]

One of her fangs is ripped from her gum [I had some teeth extracted once, because my mouth is too small. It's the size of a squirrel's mouth.] and she finds herself clinging to her assailant as the moon spins backwards across the sky. The familiar cobbled lanes of Tudor London are replaced by grassy fields and a rough dirt road – and not a soul in sight. The first traveler she meets is a parody of an etching in her childhood history book – a shining knight in tattered clothes. [When you come down to it, we're all parodies of etchings.] But he’s wary and strong, and before she can figure out how to get past the chain mail collar to sink her remaining fang into his neck, her problems worsen. [If he's wearing armor, how does she know his clothes are tattered?]

Trapped in a medieval world, hunted by an ancient vampyre and his vile kin, she must find a way to return to her own time [What is her own time? I can't tell if it's our time or the time of the Tudors.] before she’s turned into a mindless slave – or worse. The young knight could be the only one to save her but he isn’t what he pretends to be [What is he pretending to be? A knight?] and has troubles of his own. [For one thing, he needs to go to the bathroom, but his armor is rusted shut.] Their only chance of survival is find a way to work together – as long as they don’t kill each other first. [Is there a reason they'd want to kill each other? Or do they just have a stormy tempestuous relationship like Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd did on Moonlighting?]

One Fang and Silver Dagger is complete at 85,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

I don't see why the ancient vampire doesn't just turn a human into a vampire/mindless slave instead of insisting on Hannah. She wasn't even there a day ago, but now he has to have her as a slave?

I don't see how Hannah can find a way back to her own time. Where would she even look?

The title sounds weird. What's the silver dagger part?

It's not terrible, but that last plot paragraph could be more specific. The goal is to get home, but what's the plan? Does the knight figure in getting Hannah home?

Cartoon 660

Caption: Angie

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New Beginning 757

As the woman tumbled from the heavens a riot of colours and questions chased her. Was that the rainbow spectrum of the balloon? Where was the parachute rip cord? Would life flash before her eyes?

Around 700 feet, she resigned herself to the terror of a recurring drowning nightmare she’d had as a child. Her chest tightened and the panic rose like vomit in her throat. Wake up! Wake up! Her brain screamed, but no sound came out.

600 feet…

Seconds from impact a feeling of calm spread through her. Aware of a benevolent presence, she relaxed into familiar arms, arms that lifted her. And, instead of plummeting, her body now felt as though it were gliding, or maybe she was flying.

500 feet, 400 feet, 200 feet…

The woman who faced imminent death took one last look around.

To the right, the sky was the same blue as her mother’s eyes. In the foreground, gold trimmed puffs of cloud lingered next to the most luminous reds and oranges, as if birds were shedding their colourful feathers.

To the left, the trees were dancing slowly, half lit in red organza dresses.

The woman lurched to the right, missing the trees, and plunged into the frigid water. As her entire world turned to darkness, a final thought flashed through her mind: Freedom.

* * *

After twenty minutes, 24D hadn't returned from the restroom, so Chuck turned to 24F. "Howdy. My name's Charles, but most folks call me Chuck. What's your name? I'm going to merry old England to visit my grandchildren. Have you been to England? The motherland? I went once before on a training course. I'm in sales. Insurance, mostly. You got insurance? You should. Hm? Sure, go ahead. Might be a queue..."


Opening: Dina Desveaux.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 659

Caption: Evil Editor

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Face-Lift 780

Guess the Plot

Elitist Morals

1. Adultery? So last year. Drugs? Are you kidding? Illegitimate kids? Been there, done that. Starvation diet to stay thin? Don't make me laugh. Vote Republican? What--are you some kind of immoral beast or something?

2. In a world where a pantheon of gods kidnap soon-to-be-followers from the streets, Markus Mark attempts to prove he is the holiest of the holy by obeying every law ordained by every god known to man, elf, sylph, or otherling.

3. Very impressive and intense events occur that illustrate the point of the story. The point is all about Elitist Morals and how bad they are. In the end, the reader will be disgusted with the Elitists and their bad Morals. The innocent victims may or may not be saved, but anyway you'll get the point. Elitists have bad Morals or no Morals.

4. All the little mushrooms in the forest like to clump together in haphazard harmony except for one clan--the Morchella, who have created their own enclave girt with pine branches . . . or has Big Agri-Business infiltrated even this sylvan paradise?

5. In the 41st century a World War breaks out between humans and Elytes. Elytes are vampires, but note that vampires is spelled with an "i" rather than a "y." On the other hand, Elytes is spelled with a "y" instead of an "i" so you probably all hate me anyway.

6. Cassie is the new girl at a school where the entire population of students and teachers is divided into two groups: those who are elitists and couldn't give a care about what's right and wrong; and those who have actual morals and know right from wrong. Which side will Cassie choose, knowing that once she does, she's stuck there for her entire elementary school life?


Original Version

Dear EE,

Elitist Morals

It's over two thousand years in the future and the world has been torn into another world war. [World War MCDLXXVIII. When will humanity ever learn? When will we stop the senseless numbering of wars in Roman numerals, forcing everyone to spend several minutes trying to translate the numbers into the international language, American?] [I'm not familiar with the expression to be torn into a war. Torn apart by a war or plunged/descended into a war are more common.] Except this one is between the two dominant species on the planet-- [sharks and cockroaches.] vampires and humans. The humans are fighting for their lives against one species of vampires called Elytes. [They actually have nothing against the Elytes except for the pretentious way they spell "Elytes." They'd have surrendered long ago, but they're afraid if they do, the Elytes will force them to call themselves Humyns.] The Elytes are fighting because they only consider humans as animals. [Didn't you ever take zoology? Humans are animals. We only consider ourselves superior to other animals because we dine on them.] [When vampires enter a World War with humans, don't they risk destroying their food supply? If they wipe us out, whose blood will they drink, given that in 2000 years chimpanzees will be extinct?] [The Elytes must have a better reason to fight than that they consider humans as animals. We consider horses animals, but we don't fight them.]

Riley Zvei is a vampire, but not an Elyte. [She'll drain the occasional human of his blood, but it's not for political reasons, it's because she's thirsty.] She is what is known as a Moralle vampire. [When you start spelling moral with an extra le, you're more Elitist than the Elytes.] She along with her twin brother, Sean, work for the humans on the largest front of the war as spies. The humans pay them to spy on the Elytes who pay them to just fight in the war. Now, though, after meeting a mysterious, mute Moralle by the name of Simon, Riley begins to wonder if she's actually playing for the right team. [She's playing for both teams.] [If you're so loyal to your cause that meeting a mute is enough to make you switch sides, your heart was never in it.]

After an argument with the human general, General-- [I would say "the human known as 'General.'"] [Did General always go by General, or did he used to go by Colonel?] he won't tell anyone his name-- over battle tactics, Riley decides to switch sides and convert to being an Elyte. [Her first act is to change her name to Rylë.] Her brother is appalled, General is dead, Simon still loves her, and Riley is an Elyte. What more can go wrong? [It's not clear that any of this is "wrong." Now that Riley's an Elyte, General being dead is a good thing. And what woman wouldn't want to be in a relationship where she gets to do all the talking?]


Notes

Does Riley get information from the mute by playing charades?

How does she know Simon is a mute and not a mime?

Elytes were claimed to be a species of vampire. To convert to being an Elyte, wouldn't Riley have to change her species?

I assume you know a query letter needs word count, genre, some kind of closing.

Just because we're human doesn't mean we think humans are the good guys. Apparently Riley believes humans are the bad guys, and as she's the main character, we may think she's on to something. Thus we need to know what makes her switch sides. You don't join the other team just because you met a mysterious mute or because you disagree with your side's battle tactics. What's the real reason?

Switching sides isn't necessarily healthy when you've been a spy. When you go to the Elytes and say "I've been spying on you for the humans all this time, but now I wanna work with you. So . . . what's our plan?" you can't expect to be welcomed into the fold.

And what difference does it make which side Riley is on in a World War? If she's the key to victory you need to explain why.

Cartoon 658

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Caption Match

Sometimes a cartoon doesn't inspire any captions that measure up to the high standards that have been set here. I used to just delete them, but as an experiment I've saved the most recent ones. Your job is to match each cartoon with the captions that were submitted for it. Note that there are more captions than cartoons. Some cartoons have more than one caption.

1
a. Not quite what I had in mind when Grisham invited me to his premiere party.



2
b. The difference between us? I can afford to do this.







3
c. The EE Millionth Rejection Party. Host: Me. Guestlist: Me. Music: Kevin McLeod






4
d. So, is this a simile or a metaphor, you twerp!


e. Don't SHOW me, TELL me...just for once!


f. When I said I wanted zombie cows, I meant in the stories!



5


g. I've mastered the grip, now let's see if I can get me a strike...










6

h. Trailer trash? Hey — that's my latest euphemism for queries...


i. I wonder if writing about bacon qualifies as a "slice of life" story...



7


j. How in the hell do you plug this thing in?










Answers below:

(At least I'm pretty sure these are right.)




1: d & f
2: e
3: h & i
4: j
5: b & c
6: g
7: a

Face-Lift 779

Guess the plot

God's Play

1. Hermes wants a new theater production in his honor--there hasn't been one for over 1,000 years. He bribes a muse to inspire rap artist Suu-Yuu with Greek fantasies and hires on as a roadie. Odin, Thor, and Zeus want in on the action. Storms ensue.

2. God’s greatest desire was to write a play. He’s created his perfect cast of characters coupled with enough strife to last a few millennia. Dress rehearsal was a disaster, but opening night ends with nary a hitch. The real action will come after God reads Evil Editor’s scathing review.

3. Sister Melba Peter thought she had it bad when the other nuns would make up words during their weekly Scrabble game. But that's before the Almighty himself shows up for a round or two and starts creating actual things represented by the words. Can Sister Mel fwelge this eueuro?

4. To get revenge on the mortals who imprisoned them, a race of insane gods plan to cleanse and repopulate the world. Standing in their way: seventeen-year-old Rachell. But will she find time to save the world when her father insists she slop the pigs first?

5. Mike can't believe that being hit by a meteorite has given him godlike powers. Now his wife Megan has triple-E breasts, his house is 1800 rooms, and everything he touches turns to gold . . . which kind of defeats the point of giving Megan humongous knockers.

6. George Callaghan is a seminary student struggling with doubt, forever tantalizingly close to the experience of God he craves, only to be unfulfilled. Eventually he comes to the conclusion that God is playing hide and seek. What's alarming is that God's next game may well be marbles--with the planets.


Original Version

Being a god isn’t all roses and virgin sacrifices.

For the Creator Gods, a race of insane immortals trapped behind a wall of ice, divinity stopped being fun a long time ago. To get revenge on the mortals who imprisoned them, the Creators plan to remake the world in their own image. Step one: cleanse the other “impure” races. [Wrong. Step one: get out from behind this damn wall of ice.]



[Ten ways gods can get out from behind a wall of ice (having confirmed that there's no door in the wall):

1. Melt the wall. Actually, just melt an opening big enough to crawl through. Should be a piece of cake for a god of fire.
2. Fly over the wall. All you need is one god who can fly over the wall and go get a rope ladder.
3. Walk around the end of the wall. You don't even have to be a god for this one, and it's so obvious.
4. Break the wall down. Is Thor one of the gods? Because his hammer could turn the wall into ice cubes. Lightning bolts would also work.
5. Global warming. When you're immortal, waiting until ice no longer exists is like a human waiting until his eyes reopen while in the process of blinking.
6. Tunnel under the wall. There's always a god of the underworld. How do you think they get to the underworld?
7. You've heard of a human pyramid? How about a god pyramid? And if you don't have enough gods to reach to the top of the wall . . .
8. Grappling hook. The god on top of the pyramid tosses the hook over the wall.
9. Travel in a straight line away from the wall. Once you've circumnavigated the globe, Voila! You're on the other side of the wall.
10. Magic. Turn the wall into a staircase. Turn a seagull into a helicopter. You're gods, for Christ's sake.]

Step two: repopulate with new and better breeds—twisted creatures that literally live on fear.

The only thing that stands in their way [besides that infuriating wall of ice] is Rachell aehl-Darenn, the seventeen-year-old heir to a dying race of non-human sorcerers [Assuming there's a good reason the gods couldn't get out from behind the wall for years or millenia, how is it they're suddenly not behind the wall?] Her grandfather was once crown prince in the conquered land of Amor Dal, but Rachell can only find time to plot against the human usurpers after she's slopped her father's pigs. All her life, Rachell has been trying to prove she's worthy of her grandfather's love despite being a half-human bastard. But when the Creators’ twisted children invade her homeland, Rachell must bridge the gap between her people and the humans she despises, [The only humans in the book are evil usurpers, and the main character despises humans. You do realize that if this book gets published your main audience is going to be humans, right?] even if that means serving the Emperor who enslaved her race.

Because things are never simple when the gods come out to play…

GOD’S PLAY is a 120,000-word completed fantasy novel set in a world of tattooed slave sorcerers, drug-addicted dragon riders, and one-eyed gods. [Your description of the world sounds more exciting than your description of the plot.] I’m an award-winning journalist and newspaper editor, and a piece of mine was published in [REDACTED].

I’m querying you because you've nurtured some incredible talent [AGENT SPECIFICS GO HERE]

Thanks for your consideration,


Notes

Based on the plot, I would expect the first word of your title to be either Gods or Gods'. Why is it God's?

Why is this pig-slopping teenager the only obstacle facing the gods? What can she do, and how does it involve serving the emperor? The gods are out from behind the wall and plan to destroy the world. Rachell wants to save the world so Gramps will like her. That's the setup. Now we need a few specifics on what happens.

Cartoon 657

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 756

What was I, Danielle Crupp, doing on a flight to Tokyo? Especially with a name like Crupp?

My name had always been unremarkable until Japanese I class my freshman year at Rock Creek U. Taking roll, Murata-sensei got to me and stopped. “Uh, Crupp is not a good name in Japanese,” she announced. “We don’t have the u sound like in up, so we say your name with an ‘a’ like in ‘Cr-Ap.’” She shook her head. “You cannot be ‘Ms. Crap.’”

No kidding.

But then Murata-sensei gave me a real Japanese name, Kurohara-san, a lucky pick because, now as a “K”, I was seated alphabetically next to Megan McCarthy. Within weeks, Megan and I were sweating over dialogues, testing each other on Kanji, and cursing our classmates who had the advantage of being part-Japanese. By our second year in Japanese II, Megan and I were best friends.

At decision time for junior year, I fully expected to go for Japanese III, but Megan had other plans. “I’m applying to study abroad at Kowa University in Tokyo,” she told me. “It’d be awesome if you did too…”

“Me? Go to school on the other side of the world? Not happening."

But as I followed her Facebook posts that first semester, it sounded so great I just had to go.

The Japanese businessman in the seat next to me gave a kindly smile and said, "I hope you will have a wonderful time in Japan. By the way, what do you plan to do after you graduate? Will you use your Japanese?"

"Oh yeah. I want to work for the Convention and Visitors Bureau in my hometown, marketing to Japanese tourists."

"And where is your hometown?"

"I'm from Gary, Indiana," I said and sang him a few lines of the "Gary, Indiana" song from The Music Man. By the time I finished he was laughing so hard green tea was spewing out his nose.

That's how I learned that Gary sounds like the Japanese word for diarrhea. I start Norwegian next semester.

Opening: MC.....Continuation: John

Cartoon 656

Caption: EE, inspired by Marissa Doyle

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Face-Lift 778

Guess the Plot

Bound and Fallen

1. Anatoly Green's meteoric rise to the top of his sport and his plummet into drugs, sex, and gambling are recounted in this shocking exposé on professional three legged racing.

2. When dominatrix Katherine goes too far with one of her subjects, she is ostracized by the BDSM community. Can she redeem herself by holding the best spanking-for-orphans charity event that downtown Seattle has ever seen?

3. A Fallen god has tasked Ki with training De, but Ki is bound to fail because the Sister gods and the Rising gods both want De. But Ki doesn't want anyone else to have De because . . . he's kinda cute. Confusion ensues.

4. Mountaineer Raymond Hastings falls to his death just short of the summit of Annapurna. His expedition battle their way to his body and discover that some practical joker tied his bootlaces together.

5. The Dark Angel Cywhythyn has been cast into cyberspace as punishment. One night he appears to Narissa on the other side of her screen while she's on Facebook. She discovers that by pressing CTRL-3 she can join him, which is a good thing because she hates high school, her baby stepbrother, and days that end in "Y."

6. When Lucifer and his clan piss off God, heads start to roll and wings get clipped. God rounds up all of his best--Michael, Gabriel, Raphael--for a battle against the forsaken angel. After losing, Lucifer the Fallen is bound to hell--a condo in Toledo.



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Ki is fifteen years old and a reluctant Fallen Servant. A trainer she is not.

Unfortunately, her trickster god -- the worst of the Fallen gods -- insists her random new mission is to train a child nicknamed 'De'. And, like [as] usual, her god fails to mention that the 'child' is actually two years older than herself and is an annoyingly attractive boy. Ki would rather face a hundred demons than deal with one cute boy. [What kind of YA female MC is this?]

But in De's house, Ki finds the strangest combo: De's mother [Ma] is a follower of the Sister gods, yet his father [Pa] is possessed by a demon [Oy]. The Sister gods' power protects the entire house but neglects the intruding demon. [That seems contradictory, assuming the demon is a threat.] To make matters worse, De is a Genius, [Are you sure his name isn't Ee?] wanted by both the Rising and Sister gods. A god-war is brewing and Ki's trickster god [Zq] has happily put her in the middle of it. Each god prefers a specific action from Ki, ensuring their exclusive victory. However, Ki wants no one to get De [I need six ibuprofin tablets right now.] -- a budding first friend -- since a god-war is exactly what ruined her own life, four years earlier.

Complete at 80K, BOUND AND FALLEN is a YA fantasy novel. I would be pleased to send it for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

This can all be boiled down to one sentence: There's a bunch of gods.

Things I want to know: Is this set on Earth? Are Ki and De human? What's a reluctant Fallen Servant? What is training? Is it like training a dog? Any girl who'd rather face 100 demons than one cute boy must be pretty confident she can defeat demons, so what are Ki's amazing super powers?

We need to know what your main character wants and what's stopping her from getting it. That way we'll care about her and her predicament. The only characters in the query who want anything are the gods, each of whom wants something different from Ki, but we don't even know what. Except that Zq wants her to train De, but we don't know what that means, and it's a random task anyway, so maybe he doesn't really want it.

Start over. Focus on Ki's goal and obstacles. We don't need to know about Fallen and Sister and Rising gods. Just start with a setup statement like: In a world where the gods would rather go to war with each other than watch over their devoted followers, 15-year-old Ki must train De to cook for the Big Kahuna or they'll both be turned into yaks.

Now there's plenty of room to tell us how De can't boil water, and Zq keeps sabotaging Ki's souffles, and all the other hilarious things that lead to god-war.

The main characters' names are distractingly long. If you shorten them to K and D, it will save a lot of space, and possibly a lot of trees. Wait, you can also save ink by changing their names to ` and ~.

Cartoon 655

Caption: Anon.

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

New Beginning 755

No one in the Seven Villages had ever seen the dragon. They knew it by the quickening of the wind and the sudden purity of the light before its coming, and by the gifts it gave them—fire, death, rain, fertile soil, dragon-children. Their small lives rose and fell through its great one like sparks in a wildfire or tears in the sea.

When the wind warned of its coming most folk ran for the shelter of spring or cave. There were always a few who waited in the open, drinking in the rich colors of earth and sky until the dragon-light overcame them and they closed their eyes until the fire struck, or until the wind died down and the bright rain fell. In the following years these saw always the richness hidden deep in things, waiting for the dragon-light. And sometimes two opened their eyes and saw one another. If the two were man and woman the woman often bore a child nine months after. This was no shame to her or to her husband.

Such was the birth of Semon and Anele, twins born to Nese of Corle.

"Nese of Corle, huh?"

"Yes."

"And that's what happened to you?"

"Yes . . . "

"Dragons? You were knocked up by a dragon?"

"Uh, yes. Dragon. Just like Nese of Corle."

"Dammit, Mary. Fool me once, shame on you..."


Opening: Joanna Hoyt.....Continuation: Anon

Cartoon 654

Caption: Whirlochre

Your caption on the next cartoon! Link in sidebar.

Face-Lift 777

Guess the Plot

Alamandine's Song

1. Alamandine has a beautiful soft voice. Unfortunately, the opera house only accepts singers who can be heard by those in back of the upper balconies. Can a creepy mask-wearing stalker teach her to scream loud enough to be heard?

2. When promising three-year-old filly Alamandine's Song disappears from her stall at Santa Anita, detective Zack Martinez knows two things: the filly didn't shoot the guard and drive herself away, and he'd better pick up some almond milk for his wife's new diet.

3. Alamandine is mute from birth, and also possesses a perfect ear for music. When a wandering mystic offers her the chance to finally sing, what price will she be willing to pay?

4. World cup fever has swept the world (except the US) and Brazilian playboy and superstar Alamandine is wild on and off the field. But the night before the big final he is visited by an angel who tells him he must mend his sinful ways and give up soccer to become a choir singer.

5. Alamandine never really could sing; she's mute. But one day she notices a song she's been composing at the back of her mind being played and sung, and realizes that the voice is her voice and the guitar is that of a handsome street performer. You can guess the rest.

6. Alamandine has nothing more important to worry about than what to wear to her tenth high school reunion--until she learns that her father was murdered, and goes on a quest to find his killer, armed with a sword forged by a dragon. When her quest is complete, her brother performs a song about it.



Original Version

I am seeking a publisher for a finished 92,000 word Urban Fantasy manuscript called Alamandine's Song. It is a story about a woman caught in the middle of Faery politics, and her learning that growing up doesn't stop at eighteen. [Boil this paragraph down to: Alamandine's Song is a 92,000-word Urban Fantasy about a woman caught up in the tangled web of Faery politics. And move it to the end of the query.]

At twenty seven, Alamandine “Mandi” Croach doesn't know a lot of things. She doesn't know that her mother is alive, that she has a younger brother, that her father's drowning was a murder, [I'm starting to think it would be faster to list what she does know.] or that she is in line for the Star Court's crown. She is about to find out, and with love and life on the line, she learns what being a Faery Princess really means. [Boil this paragraph down to: At twenty seven, Alamandine “Mandi” Croach doesn't know that she has a younger brother, that her father's drowning was a murder, or that she is in line for the Star Court's crown. She is about to get a crash course in what it means to be a Faery Princess.]

From her high school reunion to the fields of Faelyn, Mandi has to face her own demons as well as more than a few beings that are trying to kill her. [Not clear whether the beings who want to kill her are monsters or Fae or women at her reunion who've put on more weight than she has.] [That sentence can go somewhere else or away. It doesn't lead into the next one.] With help from her fairy guard, and armed with a blade forged for her by a dragon, she goes on a quest to find out who murdered her father. [If more than a few beings were trying to kill me, I think I'd put off finding out who killed my father for a while.] [Finding a murderer sounds more like an investigation than a quest with a sword. Quests are for epic fantasies.] When it becomes clear that her half-brother's kidnapping and her father's murder are connected, she decides that in the tangled web of politics that she finds herself in, having the prince might give her some leverage. [Not clear whether the prince is the brother she didn't know she had or the half-brother who was kidnapped.] [Also not clear whether "having the prince" means having him on her side or having him as a prisoner.] [Also not clear against whom she wants leverage. When you have a sword forged by a dragon, do you really need any more leverage?] [Get rid of "in the tangled web of politics that she finds herself in,"]

Adding to the action is a complicated love story, pitting Mandi's long time infatuation with her gorgeous, but distant, fairy guard against a new flame. Can Mandi trust her heart to someone she has known practically all her life, when she learns that he has been keeping secrets? [Is the fact that he's her fairy guard one of the secrets? Did she know he was her guard, in which case, what did she think he was guarding her against, or did she think he was this handsome guy who's been stalking her for twenty-five years?] Is the chance at love worth putting an innocent man in danger by getting him involved in politics he can know nothing about?

Thank you for your consideration.


Note from author (not part of query): The title comes from the faery tradition of having a person's story told by singing it. At the end of the book, her brother sings her song for the Court.


Notes

I see that we have Faery politics and Faery Princess. If this is the world of the Fae, isn't it spelled Faerie? And what about the fairy guard? Is the guard Fae? Or just a fairy?

It's not clear whether Mandi has always known she's Fae but didn't know what happened to her family, or whether she believes she's a normal human until she's twenty-seven. If the latter, it seems like if a guy you've known forever shows up one day and says, "Guess what, I'm your fairy guard, here's a sword forged for you by a dragon, let's go on a quest," that you would not take him seriously.

Either eliminate the high school reunion and the new flame, making this all about the quest, or give us a little more about the life Mandi is leaving behind.

Political intrigue, assassins, a murder investigation, seem like they belong in urban fantasy; fighting off beings with a sword forged by a dragon seems like it belongs in a different genre.

Mandi seeks her father's killer. Someone doesn't want her to find him. Focus on that. What's at stake? What happens if she succeeds, and what happens if she fails?

Cartoon 653

Caption: Anon.

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Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 776

Guess the Plot

Third Rainbow

1. Abstract painter Jefferson Polak's creation Third Rainbow sells for a cool million, but when it's revealed that his medium was excrement produced on a diet of Skittles, he drinks himself into oblivion before he ever reaches his pot of gold.

2. Madeline hasn't had much luck with the kittens her single father has been buying her. Rainbow I got run over; Rainbow II died of sudden respiratory failure. Will Madeline find out about her father's crush on pretty pet store owner Helen before the same fate befalls the . . . Third Rainbow?

3. Sophomore Amy cares for her alcoholic mother, tries out unsuccessfully for school plays, and secretly crushes on uber-popular Madison. She feels invisible--until an assignment to write a letter to the local paper thrusts her into the gay rights spotlight, and she finds that being heard can be even harder than being ignored.

4. Enshaya is in an uproar. The unicorns' legendary Third Rainbow soccer championship has gotten so out of hand (what with the scandals, gorings and rioting) that the Queen might cancel it altogether! Their solution: kidnap shy, sports-hating Patrick from Earth to referee the game. And they thought things couldn't get any worse?

5. The first time a wolf pup whined, a rainbow was created between the north star and Earth. The first time a kitten meowed, a rainbow formed between Earth and the big dipper. Now another rainbow has formed after the first cry of a penguin chick. No one knows where it leads . . . or what will come to Earth.

6. Three rainbows appear in the corner of a man's vision, rainbows that only he can see. They slowly stretch across the sky. Years pass. The man takes a wife, they have a child, and still the rainbows slowly stretch further across the sky. The man can't help but wonder, What will happen next?


Original Version

Dear Evil Ed,

I am sending you this query letter because I hear you are evil, much like my best friend Ed, so I figure this must be fate, which just happens to be what my novel is about. So here's my query:

The Narrator’s first memories are of hell, of being transformed into a demon, made into a slave, living life from one beating to the next. This all changes when Raven appears in his life. She awakens in the Narrator [I see we're capitalizing "Narrator." Is that because his real name is never revealed and he's referred to in the book as "the Narrator"? Wait, is the Narrator a superhero or villain, like The Punisher or The Joker or The Wayfarer? My first memories are of hell, of being transformed into a demon, made into a slave, living life from one beating to the next. Now I battle the forces of evil to protect mankind from the fate I endured. I am . . . the Narrator!] a desire for something more, however vague that sense of something may be, and together they devise their plan to escape hell.

The Narrator is forced to escape on his own when Raven’s preserved head ends up strategically placed on the floor of his cave. [Maybe it's just me, but when I find a severed head on my floor, I never consider whether its placement is strategic.] Now he has one demon chasing him across hell and another planning to crucify him.

In another world, Beta is plagued by nightmares – nightmares of demons chasing each other through hell. He has written a program to stop his dreams, but the program isn’t working any more. [Guess he should have done more Beta testing. Ba dum ching.] [Sometimes you people make this job too easy.] He tries seeing a doctor. The doctor helps, until the demons start appearing in his waking life. When Beta’s friends end up dead he has to go into hiding.

Three rainbows appear in the corner of Beta’s vision, rainbows that only he can see. They slowly stretch across the sky. Years pass as Beta spends his life in hiding. He has a wife, a newborn child, a home. But still the rainbows stretch across the sky. Soon they will have completed their journey. [This part of the book where rainbows take years to stretch across the sky doesn't sound as exciting as the part with demons. Is there some way we can speed up the rainbows so they spread across the sky instantaneously?] What will happen then, Beta can’t help but wonder. [Possibly nothing will happen then. Didja ever think of that?]

THIRD RAINBOW is a completed, 97,000 word science fiction novel about man-made demons and time travel. [Time travel? If it's about time travel, maybe time travel should be mentioned in the plot.]

Thank you for your time and consideration,


Notes

Why isn't it called Three Rainbows? Is there something special about the third rainbow?

What happened to the Narrator? I was looking forward to his battles with the demons of hell. Although I think he needs a better name. Son O' God is already taken, but how about The Redeemer? Or Deliveryman?

Is Beta the Narrator and the part about being in hell was one of his nightmares? Opening with a dream sequence is bad enough, but opening with six chapters battling out of hell and then declaring it a dream is a nightmare. Especially when reality turns out to be six chapters of rainbows slowly stretching across the sky over the course of a decade.

In other words, don't expect us to figure out what's going on. Spell out how your two worlds are connected. And if the only cliffhanger you've got is What will happen when the rainbows finally stretch all the way across the sky, I recommend just telling us what will happen.

Cartoon 652

Caption: Anon.

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Face-Lift 775

Guess the Plot

The Nightmare Dragon

1. A lesser-known nocturnal legend vies for popularity with the Tooth Fairy.

2. Vanessa's new pillow allows her to physically enter the dream realm where a sulking dragon threatens to turn all dreams into nightmares unless someone gives it a pony.

3. As a dragonling Billy was teased unmercifully by the other dragonlings at Waverly School for Dragons. Now he's grown up to be Bilrazbullah, Lord of Nightmares, and those other little bastards are gonna pay.

4. High school freshman Jennifer learns that she is the chosen one who must save the world from a great evil. Knowing she cannot go into battle alone, she recruits Nikki and Naomi, the twin girls she used to babysit. We're pretty much doomed.

5. Nightmare and his middle school classmates love to frolic in the autumn mist. But when their good friend Puff is accused of dealing narcotics, the band of immature dragons must grow up . . . and quick. Puberty ensues.

6. Dragon's life is bad enough; then he mysteriously turns into an actual dragon one day. Dragons are hated by the people of his village so much that he can't even set foot in his home. He travels the world searching for some way to turn back into a griffin. I never said he was originally a human.



Original Version

Jennifer Moraine was a semi-average girl [As may be seen clearly in the chart below, neither boys nor girls come in "semi-average." And if they did, we wouldn't know whether that was on the average/below average border or the average/above average border.]


that only had to deal with visions given to her by a necklace that was passed down in her family for millennia. [Are these unpleasant visions? Because it seems like someone would have pawned the necklace by now if they are.] That is she was until her first day of high school, where she met a mysterious boy by the name of Abasi. Now she's learned that she has to save the world from a great evil that happens to be in the form of Abasi's cousin, Jibade. Along with the twin girls, Nikki and Naomi, she used to babysit and Abasi, she travels the world, preparing for a battle against Jibade and her entire family. [If they know where Jibade is, why don't they go directly there instead of traveling the world? And if they don't know, how likely is it they'll happen upon her while traveling the world?] [What means of transportation do these children use to travel the world?] Things can't get much worse for her. [How do the parents of Nikki and Naomi feel about their children traveling the world with a high school freshman, and preparing to do battle with a great evil?]


Notes

That's it? I'll assume this is just the plot portion of the letter, but even so, there's plenty of room to expand on this. What kind of visions does Jennifer have? Does she learn that she must save the world in a vision, and if not, how does she learn this? Why Jennifer? And if it's because she has the necklace, why didn't any of the previous necklace possessors take out Jibade? Is Jibade a dragon? How can these kids possibly defeat Jibade?

Cartoon 651

Caption: Whirlochre

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Face-Lift 774

Guess the Plot

Beauty for Ashes

1. John's faith in God was unshakable until God let John's beautiful wife burn to death. Now John has a new religion based on alcohol, gambling, and sex with strangers. Can anything save this man's soul?

2. Carlo Frumi is a student archeologist working at Pompeii. When he pours plaster into an ash mold of a former citizen, the woman whose face emerges from the past haunts him. But is she also visiting him in his room?

3. Norma Jean Walker, white trash stage mother extraordinaire, becomes the prime suspect in a string of arson cases involving the homes of rival child beauty pageant contestants. Can Norma Jean elude the police long enough for her little baby to reach the Little Miss Sweet Corn crowning?

4. On a world where death is as curable as your common hangnail, it's not your body up for judgment, but your urn. To win enough money for "permanent resurrection", Lavidia Clomesty must survive the beauty pageant of the dead. Too bad her murderer also happens to be the chief judge.

5. Elke has always been unattractive, so when Satan offers to make her beautiful if she'll burn down a nunnery, she agrees. Hey, she's not even Catholic. But when she discovers that her long-lost twin sister is living in the nunnery, will she go through with the deal or try to con Satan into letting her renege?

6. Sculptor Christobal's latest project is an enormous statue of Aphrodite made entirely from cigarette ashes. But anti-smoking campaigns have limited his raw materials, so he moves to Greece, which has the highest per-capita smoking rate in the world. Will the real Aphrodite take kindly to being portrayed in ash?



Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

Jonathon Douglas’ future looked bright- he had a beautiful young wife, a job he loved, and a faith in God that couldn’t be shaken- what more could he want? [A smoke alarm.] But his life goes into a tailspin when a deadly fire claims the lives of his wife and infant daughter.

Stripped of everything he ever held dear, he turns his back on the God who betrayed him and embraces a life of sin, [Perhaps you'd like to go back and rephrase your earlier claim that his faith in God couldn't be shaken?] turning to alcohol to escape his pain. Jonathon hits bottom in the seedy underbelly of the Las Vegas strip, when he wakes up in the bed of a stranger. Broken and repentant, he finds that the Lord had been with him all along. [Wait, you're saying he woke up in the Lord's bed?]

[If I woke up with a hangover in the bed of a stranger, I wouldn't conclude that the Lord has been with me all along. What really clues Jon in to this fact?]

John begins to rebuild his life and discover a new future in California, where he meets and falls in love with Jenni, a young Christian woman. But his days of hard living catch up with him in the form of a very pregnant April, his one-night-stand from Vegas. Will his faith crumble again [I'm starting to think this man's faith is about as unshakable as a James Bond martini in a paint shaker.] and can his relationship with Jenni survive? Everything good in his life is threatened once again, but this time he chooses to cling to his faith and trust in God to carry him through. [Thus when God cometh to him in a vision and telleth him April must be killed and buried in the woods, he doth.]

John must be willing to give up everything to do what is right- and perhaps a soul will be saved in the process. [I hope "what is right" isn't getting married to a crack-addicted prostitute he's known for a few hours and who's pregnant with a baby that might be his, so the child can be raised by two idiots who'll resent each other for the next twenty years.]

Beauty For Ashes is a Christian Fiction novel complete at 93,000 words. Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,


Notes

It sounds weird to say he falls in love with a Christian woman. If she were another religion it would be worthy of remark, given his faith--which is shakable only occasionally, like when God is letting his wife and daughter burn to death--but in this case you could be more subtle and say he falls in love with a woman he meets at a church potluck dinner.

I'm thinking a character losing faith in God in the face of tragedy is standard fare in inspirational books, and perhaps seeking solace in sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll is too. But when that fails, why not try Buddhism or marathon running or the Peace Corps? In other words, tell us what brings John back to the God who betrayed him.

Cartoon 650

Caption: Anon.

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New Beginning 754

When my mother was a kid her older sister used to tell her, “For somebody so smart, you sure are dumb.” My mother would tell me about that at particular times; it wasn’t really like her calling me dumb, but I took the point. She didn’t say that when I told her about that week at summer camp. She didn’t have to; I’d already told myself, when I first realized the difference between what I meant to do about Anna and Sheila and James and what I had actually done.

It’s been five years now, and it’s getting harder to remember what it was like to be that gangly earnest thirteen-year-old, full of ideas about being a hero and without a clue about what that really meant. I don’t feel nearly as angry with her as she was with herself. If I had her here to talk to, like a scrappy younger sister, I don’t know what I could tell her. She’d read books that said all of it better than I could say it now. The rest I guess she had to learn by living through it. Of course, she’d have hated that answer.

But then again, she really did seem overjoyed when I turned up on our doorstep; her "dead" son, miraculously reborn. She made me grilled cheese and PB-n-Js with the crusts cut off. She sat on the sofa with me watching the midnight movie. Things were just peachy . . . until she had to go snooping around the backyard shed.

To say the least she was disappointed in her young man when she found my goalie mask spattered with entrails and the brand new Husqvarna 240e, its blade caked with the congealed blood of Anna and Sheila and James. And I think that’s when she realized I wasn't exactly resurrected with some divine purpose in mind.

At first she was shocked, but then she thought about it, and hugged me and said, "You're kind of smart for someone so dumb." I guess she agreed with me . . . that's what those counselors deserved for playing hide the salami in the cabin instead of manning the lifeguard station at the lake.


Opening: Joanna Hoyt.....Continuation: Angie

Cartoon 649

Caption: Anon.

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Success Story

Stacia Kane's novel Unholy Ghosts should be hitting bookstore shelves today. Minions may remember the query from Face-Lift 469.

Ms. Kane, known here as December Quinn (Deece for short), has contributed several openings and continuations to this blog (including this opening to her now-published novel, Personal Demons). Most impressively, she's one of a select few authors to have material in all three volumes of Novel Deviations.

Face-Lift 773

Guess the Plot

Genevieve, Return to Aefre

1. Genevieve was totally psyched to finally be inducted into the ways of the mind speakers. Until she realized that her mother now had an infallible way to tell her to come home for dinner.

2. Orphaned Genevieve was taken in and raised by the nuns of Aefre Convent. She ran away at thirteen, dreaming of lipstick, iPods and boys. Now sixteen and living on the streets of Las Vegas, she has rediscovered God. But is it too late?

3. Nuclear winter and despair have besieged the planet Aefre for 20 years, but Daniel has hope now that the space rocket Genevieve has returned with the crew promising a cure for the planet. The only catch: providing a daily human sacrifice to the alien deity they brought with them.

4. In a post apocalyptic world, Aefre, the center of the remainder of human civilization, has degenerated into lawlessness. Genevieve, the last sheriff to uphold the old law wanders the wastelands, hunting for outlaws. The time has come: Genevieve, Return to Aefir.

5. Starship Captain Rick Weathers intercepts a cryptic intergalactic message. Who is Genevieve, and why would anyone return to Aefre, a godforsaken lifeless planet of constant meteor storms? The mystery deepens as Weathers begins to suspect that he is Genevieve, and that someone has tampered with his memory...among other things.

6. Destin finds a book that could make him the most powerful magikian. The book is named Genevieve (Jenny for short). Destin wants to test his new abilities at the wizard duel tournament in Aefre, but can he protect Genevieve from those who would steal her?


Original Version

Dear Evil Editor,

When Genevieve, an 800 year-old potions book, happens into the hands of a non-magikal man, Destin Darious, [Is Genevieve the book's title or the name Destin uses when he introduces the book to his friends?] the joining sets in motion a group of events that bring Destin to a place of power and thrill. Although the book, thought to be a myth, will place him in the gravest of danger. [That last sentence would be an actual sentence if you removed "although."] [Although, a better idea would be to dump the sentence and change "power and thrill" to "power . . . and grave danger."]

Destin lived a straightforward life, until [he began] experimenting with a home remedy book that brought forth the truth that magik exists. With a whole realm of practitioners and magikal users resting just beyond a thin veil of protection, keeping it hidden from everyone. [No need to say "keeping it hidden from everyone; that's what we assume the veil does.] [Is the distinction between "practitioners" and "magical users" so important that both must be mentioned?] [If that was supposed to be a sentence, it lacked a verb. If it was supposed to be a fragment, it's too long for that. By the time we get to the comma, we assume there's an independent clause coming. You could change the period after the previous sentence to a dash.] [How does this book bring forth the truth that there's a whole realm of hidden practitioners of magik? Does it have an introduction that reads: Congratulations! By purchasing this book, you have joined a whole realm of hidden practitioners of magik?] His book wields unknown power granting abilities of magik; abilities that any practitioner, powerful or frail, could only dream of controlling. [I would condense this paragraph to: Destin is living a straightforward life until he begins experimenting with a home remedy book he found on a dusty shelf in Bookstore of the Occult. The book grants him magikal powers beyond those of even the most powerful practitioners.]

After an attempt on Destin’s life occurs [No need to say "occurs"; it's assumed.] he is escorted by Frank Dune, [Is that an homage to Frank Herbert, author of Dune? Whether it is or not, I'd change it.] a Nerian Inquisitor (magikal cop), to the magikal practicing realm of Aefre, [If you must spell "magic" with a "k", try not to use the word a hundred times.] where he encounters all manners of the unreal. ["All manners of the unreal" tells us nothing. What does he encounter?] His experiences are marred by a growing, unknown threat and random attacks; [Vague. And I doubt the attacks are random.] with one practitioner seeking to steal and possess Genevieve. [No need to say "and possess." That's assumed from "steal."] With a budding romance, new friendships, and an upcoming wizard duel tournament close at hand, Destin must seek to understand his new powers and learn about his surroundings without giving away the one secret that could destroy the balance between the magikal and non-magikal realms.

“Genevieve, Return to Aefre” is an 88,000 word, contemporary fantasy, set between the realms of non-magik/true reality and the unbelievable world of Aefre. [Don't advertise your inability to make a world you've created believable.] [It was my impression the story was set in Aefre and in our world, not between these two places.] This is the first installment of a planned trilogy.

I have had various novel excerpts, and poems rated in the top 10% of their individual creative writing categories on Helium.com. [This is not worth mentioning.] This is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.


Notes

The name Destin and spelling magic with a "k" might appeal to a younger audience--and might annoy the audience you're after.

Your description of Aefre (unknown threats, random attacks) doesn't lead one to expect Destin has time for a budding romance and new friendships.

What is Destin's goal? Does he want to get back to reality? Is he planning to live in Aefre? What would happen if the balance between the magikal and non-magikal realms were destroyed? Why is Destin the only one who knows the secret that could destroy this balance? We need to know what's at stake.

Cartoon 648

Caption: Anon.

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Saturday Film Series

Face-Lift 772

Guess the Plot

A House Divided

1. Conjoined twins Johnny and Billy have always found it amusing that the Mason-Dixon Line runs smack under the middle of their bedroom. But it isn't so funny the day the fateful news comes from Fort Sumter.

2. The Robertsons' messy divorce gets even messier when their lawyers convince them both to demand the house in the settlement. The situation is at a standstill -- until George buys the Acme M-3600 chainsaw.

3. As the end of the world draws nigh, miracles are on the rise. So when Jesus Reyes’ modest two-story colonial shows the ability to do long division, a skill long lost to the general populace, no one takes notice. How can they, with zombies wreaking havoc on the town?

4. Jeremy Thatchett is in love with his black servant in a world where the South won the Civil War, splitting up Jeremy's family. His two cousins live in the Republic of Texas and the North. And a mad scientist is plotting to destroy the world. Actually, he may have the right idea.

5. Cassi can't get into her own home, because she was turned into a vampire so she can't enter unless someone invites her, but her family is in a huge fight and no one will leave their bedroom and Cassi knows if she doesn't do something her parents will get a divorce, but what can she do if she can't get inside?

6. They've hired the divorce lawyers, they've filed the papers, they've split up their assets. But when Sue and Graham can't sell their house, they decide to do the next best thing - turn it into a duplex. Hilarity ensues.



Original Version

Your Evilness,

Growing up in a 21st-century Confederate States of America, Jeremy Thatchett believes that his only problems lie in his dwindling [deteriorating?] relationship with Alyshea, his colored servant and childhood friend. That is, until his free-wheeling cousin from an estranged Texan branch of the family appears to show him how wrong he is…

My first novel, A House Divided, is a YA alternate history about three cousins whose family was separated when the Confederacy won independence in the American Civil War. When Teresa, from the recently-reformed Republic of Texas, uncovers an out-of-place scientist’s apparent plot to destroy the world, ["Out-of-place" is a good description.] she hops borders and social boundaries to escape her pursuer [Who's pursuing her?] and enlist her cousins’ help.

Her presence forces Jeremy, already uncertain about his dictated place in Southern society, to come face-to-face with the social injustices that threaten [to] consume his beloved Alyshea. [What does Teresa's presence have to do with Jeremy's problem?

Teresa: Help, I'm your estranged cousin, and I'm on the run from a mad scientist who wants to destroy the world.

Jeremy: In that case, I have no choice but to address the social injustices threatening to consume this other woman, Alyshea.]

A civil rights rally gone horribly wrong sets them on the run as well. When they finally arrive in the US, their northern cousin Kyle, a recent high-school graduate already dedicated to his dream of flying in the US air force, must decide where his loyalties lie: with his family, or with the devious Benjamin Acker, an ally of Teresa’s mad scientist, who holds sway over Kyle’s entire future? [Teresa, in the Republic of Texas, uncovers a mad scientist's plot and runs to her cousin in the United States, only to find that his future is tied to the mad scientist's ally? Can you make that sound less like a billion-to-one coincidence?]

The recent success of other YA novels in this genre, [the genre of science fiction thriller/family saga/civil rights novel,] especially Scott Westerfeld’s Leviathan, inspired me and instilled the confidence that alternate history can work in teen-oriented fiction. Though my novel is less fantastical than his, [it's almost as ridiculous, and] I believe the strong teenage main characters and their struggle to realize themselves in a complicated world will resonate with readers.

A House Divided is complete at 75,000 words. Thank you very much for your time and consideration.


Notes

Too many characters have been deemed important enough to make it into the query. Jeremy, Alyshea, Teresa, Kyle, Benjamin, the mad scientist. Cut two or three of them. The mad scientist plotting to destroy the world seems out of place in the query (if not the novel).

If a family is separated after the Civil War, and it's now the 21st century, it's hard to believe members of the separated families consider themselves cousins. My cousins are the children of my parents' siblings. Is that the relationship of your cousins? Because it feels like they're related only because they're descendants of the family that separated 150 years earlier.

Unless your Civil War lasted until the 21st century, I'd minimize that aspect of the query. Just say, In a world where the American Civil War was won by the South, and slavery has endured into the 21st century, three cousins . . . This should also guard against readers missing the 21st-century line and thinking the story is set in 1865.

It's not clear whether the main plot is the attempt to prevent the mad scientist from destroying the world, or Jeremy and Alyshea trying to make it in the Confederacy. Even if they're equal plot threads, you might want to focus on one of them in the query, as they don't blend together seamlessly. You also might focus the query on one character. It's easier to make us care about someone if you concentrate on that person.

Cartoon 647

Caption: Evil Editor

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New Beginning 753

My father drove me to camp. My mother couldn’t drive, and someone had to stay home with Pete and Sarah. And it was easier going with my father. He didn’t notice that I was nervous, so I could tell myself that nobody else would notice. We drove past a marsh with twisted cedar trees growing in it and a bird soaring over it, high and lonesome—an osprey, probably, because of the long wings. That was a good sign.

“It’s good to see you looking so pleased.” my father said. “Some people would be nervous, but you’re always been so confident. Just like your mother.”

“It sounds like fun.” I said. “Hiking, and canoeing, and fern identification, and other people who want to learn about nature...” I sounded fake too, like a dumbed-down version of the Conservation Leadership Camp brochure. He didn’t seem to notice.

We got there five minutes before registration opened. That suited me. For one thing, there was just time for me to get my stuff out of the car before my father’s favorite news-quiz show came on the radio, so he would probably be willing to say good-bye quickly and then drive home.

As I threw my rucksack onto my back, I noticed a girl running towards us. She was perhaps two years older than me, with long, tanned legs in cutaway shorts and a cute, tight-fitting camp tee shirt. I noticed my dad staring, open-mouthed.

"Hi!" she shouted, out of breath, as she reached the car. "I'm one of the camp counselors." She tucked a strand of soft, blond hair behind one ear and smiled. "Don't worry, sir, I'll be taking real good care of your son." She bent over and picked up my heavy duffel bag, then grabbed my hand. "Come on, let's find a bed for you. My name's Fern."

I was identifying already.


Opening: Joanna Hoyt.....Continuation: Anon.

Cartoon 646

Caption: EE, inspired by several submitters

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