Guess the Plot
Love Entombed
1. When Yondell's fiancé disappears, she searches high and low, until she finally finds him . . . in his coffin. Luckily, he's a vampire, so he's not dead. He's undead.
2. Maurice and Heather are convicted of adultery. Their sentence: being buried alive. Pretty harsh, but at least they're buried in the same casket.
3. Collier and Bertoll thought it would be romantic to make love in a cave. Then a landslide blocks the entrance, trapping them in darkness. And what's that growling?.
4. Rumpelle has had it with her husband's nagging, so she tells him his Valentine's Day gift is buried in the woods behind their house. Little does he know, as he tries to unearth it, that he's digging his own grave.
Original Version
I’m pleased to submit Love Entombed, a 93,000-word Gothic novel with a dual timeline, where passionate love and dark family secrets converge in the wilds of northeast Florida. [I googled a map of northeast Florida. The only things converging there are so many highways and beaches and cities it looks like a giant spider web. Change your setting to the wilds of Borneo.] The story will appeal to readers who enjoyed the lush, shadowy atmosphere of Mexican Gothic as well as fans of the rich prose and obsessive love found in Dowry of Blood. (Some fans perhaps will be reminded of the cult, 1960s soap opera—Dark Shadows.) [Most people who were watching soap operas 60 years ago are now 90+ years old.]
In the main timeline, twenty-eight-year-old Yondelle Dixon returns to her family’s home, where her estranged father, Gilbert, is caretaker of the El Fuente mansion. [Is this mansion her family's home?] She reconnects with her father who is in hospice. [How can he be in hospice and still be caretaker of this mansion?] Yondelle insists that Gilbert reveal why their family is bound to the El Fuente and why her fiancé, Ambrose El Fuente, mysteriously disappeared. Yondelle agrees to take the Vow to serve the El Fuente, in exchange for the information she desires. [I can't imagine her agreeing to that, unless she's not planning to keep her end of the bargain.] Unfortunately, her father dies before revealing the answers, so Yondelle must unravel the mystery herself. Since Ambrose disappeared, whispers plague Yondelle, and they’ve only grown stronger since her return. [The strength of a whisper is limited by the fact that it quickly becomes talking, as shown by this depiction of the range of human voices:
Yondelle enjoys the support given by her cousin Reina, with whom she shares a shotgun-style house on the estate. It’s eventually revealed that Yondelle gave birth to Ambrose’s son, and Reina passed him off as her own, since Yondelle was too young and heartbroken to raise a child.
Led by Nadira, a sea witch and housekeeper of the mansion, Yondelle realizes that she is the reincarnation of Ambrose’s wife from the 1500s. [When you called her a sea witch, I immediately thought of Sea Witch in Popeye, who had a vulture familiar, but then I Googled it and discovered she was called Sea Hag, not Sea Witch. Another example of why the internet is so valuable in modern times.] [If I'm in the mansion where my father is the caretaker, and the housekeeper pulls me aside to tell me I'm the reincarnation of a woman who lived 500 years ago, I'm slowly backing out of the building.] Whispers lead her to discover Ambrose, one of the Undead, in a sealed coffin under the chapel. [Pssst, Yonny....look in the coffin under the chapel.] Ambrose is one of the Royal Vampyre, second in line to the throne of the El Fuente dynasty. He has waited for Yondelle to reincarnate for five hundred years. [Wait, Ambrose, her fiancé, goes missing from wherever they were living, so she travels to this mansion in Florida to ask her dying father why Ambrose went missing, as if he would know, and it turns out Ambrose is right there, sealed in a coffin under the chapel, and has been, for 500 years?] [If he's been in that coffin for 500 years, how did he get Yondelle pregnant? Is their son 500 years old? Or does Ambrose come out of the "sealed" coffin at night?] [When she opens the coffin and finds her fiancé, the guy whose son she gave birth to, does she recognize him? I think if I'm her, and I open a coffin that's been sealed for 500 years, and the body in there opens his eyes and says Hi, Honey, I'm running like hell.]
A conclave of Royal Vampyre Houses meets on the El Fuente estate. Yondelle is desperate to conceal her son, since being in the line of succession is dangerous. Despite Yondelle’s best efforts, Van is discovered. A battle ensues. In the end, [Spoiler alert.] Van is saved. Ambrose and Yondelle are reunited. [The guy waits 500 years to get back with his wife, only to find she's been sleeping around . . . with his son?] [Since Ambrose is 2nd in line to the throne, Van is 3rd, which makes me wonder why antone's trying to kill Van.]
Thank you for your consideration.
Notes
It's a bit confusing, which explains why I probably got some of the facts wrong. It's undoubtedly less so in the book, but we don't want any of that in the query. Fewer characters would help. We probably don't need Nadira or Reina in the query. The first plot paragraph could be shortened to:
Twenty-eight-year-old Yondelle Dixon returns to her family’s home, to ask her estranged, dying father, Gilbert, why their family has long been bound to the El Fuente family. Yondelle's fiancé, Ambrose El Fuente, has recently disappeared. Unfortunately, her father dies before revealing the truth, so Yondelle must unravel the mystery herself.
When her investigation reveals that Ambrose, one of the Undead, lies in a sealed coffin under the chapel, and that she is the reincarnation of Ambrose's wife from the 1500s, she's in disbelief--until she opens the coffin.
Something like that provides more room to clarify what's going on and who's who.
I don't see why Yondell is quizzing her father about why her family is bound to the El Fuentes, when she's agreed to marry one of them.
