I was in a taxi in Asia and my foot hit a bag on the floor. I opened it after pulling it up on my lap. OMG. Money, money and more money. Stunned, I shut it quickly. I did NOT want the driver to see/notice this frigging huge windfall and get killed for it. I live in a third word (emerging?) country. Emerging from what? Wish I knew.
I left the taxi after fighting over the over charge these countries pull. 50 HK dollars for each bag in HK taxis. Taxi drivers in China taking off with your bags still in the trunk. Laos (pronounced Low as in allowed) enough.
I had a huge bundle of free money. A fortune. Enough for a year or more in the shit hole I was in. Five years in Nepal, oh God can I really get to Katmandu? Landing there is pretty tricky by plane. Too old to walk to first base camp, but with dough I could hire a Sherpa team of men to haul my stuff and afford to buy or rent a yak I could ride to my one bucket dream. With all this cash, should I live out that part of my bucket list or try and find the person whose money it was and give it back.
So I prayed a lot and…
For once, God answered me, saying, "That's My money. I left it in the cab while I ran into Starbucks for a decaf latte, and the frigging driver took off with My luggage in the trunk. Damn Asian taxi drivers, they'll all burn in hell if I have My way. And I do have My way. Anyway, do Me a solid and drop it off at the nearest SPCA chapter.
Oh, and forget your bucket list. If you can't get to the first base camp without a yak, you won't make it fifty meters up Everest, you moron.
Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuatioin: EE
Notes
P1: Sounds like you're saying you don't want the driver to get killed for the money.
Third world
P2: Last sentence doesn't make sense. No need for pronunciation lesson.
P3: Kathmandu. Question mark after last sentence.
Oh, and forget your bucket list. If you can't get to the first base camp without a yak, you won't make it fifty meters up Everest, you moron.
Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuatioin: EE
Notes
P1: Sounds like you're saying you don't want the driver to get killed for the money.
Third world
P2: Last sentence doesn't make sense. No need for pronunciation lesson.
P3: Kathmandu. Question mark after last sentence.
6 comments:
Sorry, but this opening does not grab me at all. I don't mind unlikeable characters if they're interesting, but your narrator is simply unlikeable -- whining about his life and nattering on about what to do with an undeserved pile of cash (like the guy next to me on the bus last week who droned on about his shitty life and what he'd do if he won the lottery). Your job as an author is to make me care about what happens to the character, what happens next in the story -- and right now I don't.
Second strike for me is that the details sound off. Like, if the money is only enough for a year in a 'shit hole' country, it's not 'a fortune'. Or, if the narrator is well-traveled in Asia, they will know getting to Kathmandu by air is done by thousands of tourists every day, on dozens of international flights. The landing is no trickier than many other international airports.
In my humble opinion, as always.
If your goal is to see how many readers you can offend on page one, you're hitting it out of the park.
The problem with this approach is it's going to leave you with a paucity of readers for page two.
"I was in a taxi in Asia"...This is strange. Most people would just say where they were. It's sort of like saying, "I was in a taxi in North America..." It doesn't really set the location. It could be Manitoba or Death Valley.
I, also, thought the driver was going to get killed for it. Took me a minute.
"Emerging from what? Wish I knew." You don't really wax philosophical when you find a buttload of money. Generally your mind is racing.
"after fighting over the over charge..." Try not to use the same word two different ways in the same sentence. It confuses the mind. It's like saying, "The teacher bought a sub for himself and the sub."
"a Sherpa team of men" Sherpa teams are generally men. You can just say Sherpa team.
"Laos (pronounced Low as in allowed) enough." I don't understand this, and it is not technically a sentence.
I feel this is the weakest of your recent openings.
Bob Seger spells it Katmandu. Of course it could be Catman do. As in, what does Catman do? And does Catwoman know?
StOn, We were in Death Valley last year. Didn't see any Taxis.
I think most people know how to pronounce Laos anyway.
Thanks all for comments.
Most people in Asia don't know where/what Laos is unless you say Low. As in bow (from the waist), not bow like in a hair thingy.. Small point. Mr. F - very cool.
Wilk/Mac
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