Thursday, May 10, 2018

New Beginning 1078

I am sick. Sick from getting messages from the other side. I am not special but I see things and stuff. Dead people I’ve never met. Relatives of friends, I feel their joy, see the brightest colors and the cookies, so enticing and yummy. They smell of vanilla and ginger and nutmeg.

And my great great grandmamma. When I am still and quiet she kind of whispers to me. I made great fruit pies she says. And I loved my garden and chickens and that old goat who butted me when I was bent low weeding. Bloody Billy I called him. His ass butting when I bent down to weed the garden toppled me so much I told my husband he goes or I go. You pick.

So goat stew it was. Never enjoyed a meal so much in my life. No curry, just meat, earth root veg and Bloody Billy. Yum and my buttocks never felt his horns again. We cooked him fresh, hung and root cellared parts and hung his horns on our door, on the outside of the porch.

That son of a gun was better in a pot than on the hoof.

Although I guess you could say that goat did get in one last attack on my buttocks, since the aftermath of my Bloody Billy feast was like a three-day bender fueled with whiskey and Taco Bell.

Opening: Wilkins MacQueen.....Continuation: Khazar-khum


P1: Delete the first two sentences. You don't follow up the claim that you're sick. Get rid of things or stuff, no need for both.

P2: Change "And" to "I see." Delete "kind of." Quotation marks around what Grandmamma whispers, or italicizing it if it's not really happening would help. "I loved my garden and chickens and that old goat" followed by making goat stew seems contradictory. Why didn't she just tie the goat to a tree while weeding? She wouldn't give a goat access to the garden anyway, weeding or not.

P3: "meat, earth root veg and Bloody Billy." Aren't Bloody Billy and the meat the same thing? 

"hung his horns on our door, on the outside of the porch." = "hung his horns on the outside of the porch door."


khazarkhum said...

And I loved my garden and chickens and that old goat who butted me when I was bent low weeding. A simple 'even' before 'and that old goat' would help, unless she hated the bejeezus out of him.

I am confused by the setting. Is she reminiscing about staying at greatgrandma's? Is this from a few years ago? It's jumbled.

St0n3henge said...

Would she say "Son of a gun" and "buttocks?"I feel like the people who say "buttocks" are too prim to use phrases like "son of a gun." It's okay to use "ass" twice.

Do people say "my husband" when talking to relatives? If you use an old fashioned name, we'll infer it's her husband. "I told Henry he goes or I go. You pick."

Great great grandmamma ate curry? Was she Indian? She doesn't sound Indian.

Anonymous said...

Great questions.

Love the feedback.

K: she's an old woman.

Sorry jumbled. But that might be what I was going for. Maybe I should have written Turmeric instead of curry.

Thanks all, the comments are great.