Sunday, October 12, 2008

Opening Statement 8

Minions, Minionettes, Mennonites, lend me your ears. Seriously. At my age, the hearing starts to go.

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, Bill Clinton gets a million dollars for a speaking engagement. Donald Trump gets over $200,000. Hell, even John Grisham gets over $50,000. Why are you practically giving yourself away, EE?

It's like this. When you listen to a speech by one of those hacks, you just sit there and relax. It's like being on vacation, only without the fun. Here, you'll work to earn your reduced fee. Lock it down boys!

The exits are all being sealed and locked. Now if each of you will look under your seat, you'll find a large pile of slush. This stuff's been building up for years, and today we're going to get rid of it. If you leave your seat, a piercing, ear-splitting siren will blare until you return. If you remain in your seat but refuse to cooperate, you'll receive a 2000-volt shock every thirty seconds. Show 'em, boys!

Zzzzzzzzzttttttttttt!

I know what you're thinking. You didn't sign up to read slush. Relax. You're not going to read the slush. Even Evil Editor isn't that cruel. No, you're going to eat it. Environmentalists get on me whether I burn it or ship it to a landfill or dump it in the ocean. So I'm going green, with your help.

Ushers will be around with salt, condiments, cheese sauce and salsa. I'm off to the beach. I'll leave this sign-up sheet for next year's Meet Evil Editor event on the stage. Hope to see you all back.

--Evil Editor

7 comments:

Dave F. said...

It's going to take more than one bran muffin to move that out!
Very funny.

WouldBe said...

EE, slush goes well with mole jerky.

Robin S. said...

If you leave your seat, a piercing, ear-splitting siren will blare until you return. If you remain in your seat but refuse to cooperate, you'll receive a 2000-volt shock every thirty seconds.

My preference would be to skip the noisy part and go for the jolt.

Do-able?

EE, you kill me when you try 'going mean'. (Get it? Get it?
Mean insteada green?)

Sarah Laurenson said...

Yummy! And it's vegetarian, too!

Thanks, EE!

writtenwyrdd said...

And no chilled beverages to wash that crap down? You truly are evil.

Whirlochre said...

This is so evil, you should be ashamed of yourself.

fairyhedgehog said...

You are so cruel. I don't know why we hang out with someone who hates us so much.