Wednesday, April 06, 2011
Guess the Plot
When Writing About Sex Is Better Than Actually Doing It
3. Rosie O’Donnell’s ex-girlfriends compile their experiences in this joint memoir.
4. When Lucy's husband dies, she copes by writing sexually explicit short stories and reading them at an open mic night. Luke catches her performance one night and decides he'd like to get Lucy in the sack, but can he convince her that writing about sex isn't as much fun as actually doing it?
5. Marie D’Lyones, courtesan to the King of France, flees to a convent and becomes a nun when the king dies. One of the most educated women there, she is assigned to work in the scriptorium copying texts. One day a new text comes in, a copy of the Kama Sutra. Will writing about sex send Marie back to her old life?
6. A recovering sex addict enters the world of cross dressing, adding hilarious consequences to a life on the run from one encounter to another. But when his mother catches him in her paisley shirtwaist, he is forced to claim he's just researching a book, and enters the sexless but lucrative world of nonfiction.
Dear Evil Editor,
Lucy Halloran lost her beloved husband to a car crash. Her way of convincing herself that she's still alive is to write well-crafted, sexually explicit short stories. And read them monthly at an adults-only open mic night. [When an open mic night is adults-only, I assume it's because alcohol is served or off-color comedy is performed. Reading sexually explicit stories in a room filled with naked horny guys sounds like a recipe for disaster.]
When Luke McMelley’s sister drags him to an open mic night, hearing these x-rated words stream forth out of his high school crush’s mouth is overwhelming. Shocking. And most of all, enticingly obscene. [He leaps onto the stage, rips off Lucy's sheer tubetop, and once again open mic night devolves into a frenetic orgy. Just once, event coordinator Mildred Prood thinks, I wish we could get through more than half of the first story before this happens.] Even more than in high school, she is the girl of his dreams.
Lucy hasn’t had sex since her husband died. [That doesn't seem so odd. How long has it been since the crash?] But as maddening and egotistical as she finds Luke, he also awakens this need inside of her, a need [to hit the sheets with a maddening egotistical guy.] for more than just writing and performing. It scares her.
Luke is persistent. Like any good lawyer, he refuses to take no for an answer. [Is he a lawyer, or is he a plumber who won't take no for an answer, like any good lawyer?
Lawyer who never takes No for answer: Objection!
He knows Lucy is the right woman, the one who can tame his tomcat ways and make a respectable man of him. No matter how many times she retreats, or throws up a wall, he knocks it down. [Run, Lucy, run. Move to another state, change your name, and get a reliable taser.]
But when Lucy takes drastic steps to pick up the pieces of her slowly crumbling world, [I had no idea her world was slowly crumbling.] she instead turns to the arms of her husband’s best friend, Jonathan, who has waited patiently for this very turn of events. [Waiting patiently for your best friend to die so you can move in on his widow. Nice. Are we sure he didn't engineer the car crash?] As comfortable and easy as life is with him, will it be enough? Is comfortable and easy how Lucy wants to spend the rest of her life, especially after knowing fire and passion with Luke? [I had no idea they'd gotten to the fire and passion stage.] When Writing About Sex is Better Than Actually Doing It is an adult contemporary novel [By "adult" do you mean erotica?] of 75,000 words full of chance encounters. [Outside of Luke encountering Lucy at open mic night, what chance encounters are there?] But sometimes one deliberate action is enough to change the course of two very different lives. [Vague. What one deliberate action are we talking about?]
The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
A guy who doesn't take no for an answer is a guy who insists on getting his way. Would he let himself be dragged to an open mic reading night that he didn't want to attend? By his sister?
There are any number of ways to deal with the tragic loss of one's beloved spouse, but for some reason writing sexually explicit short stories and reading them at an adults-only open mic night has this ring of absurdity to it. You're thinking, I gotta get out in the world instead of sitting around the house feeling sorry for myself, so you look through the independent newspaper for some activity where you can meet people, and you reject book clubs and golf lessons and contra dancing and church potlucks and settle on reading erotic stories to a roomful of strangers. Which is not to say you should change the plot. Just make it sound more reasonable. Like maybe it's Lucy's sister who drags her to the open mic night.
The title sounds like a chapter in a nonfiction book. You need something like Memoir of an Eroticist or How Lucy Got Her Groove Back. But not those. So I Write Porn; Live with It.